11-13/9/09 day 25-27

11/9/09 Day 25
There's a new patient here, G, and ALL yesterday afternoon and night, and again this morning from 5.30, he has been carrying on that he isn't delusional and that he is being locked up to ruin his good name. He is so rude to the staff and loud!! He even apologised last night to us. (He was so loud last night that we couldn't even watch the telly in the dining room. Of course I gave him a small amount of lip - knowing that if I gave him anymore he could flip and take it out on me....) Yet, he woke us up so early this morning! Real sorry isn't he!! It got so loud, this argument between him and N, that I popped my head out of my room and suggested to him that he keeps quiet. Drew was there too, asking N if she was ok. This guy is an asshole!!
Well, G has been in lock up for nearly an hour and he is trying to get out - smash the door and window. (dont think he realises its bullet-proof glass!) He's gunna knock himself out before he gets out! Everyone has been moved into the dining room for 'safety reasons' (according to M - my most hated nurse!!) So here we all are, its 6.45am and brekky is more than an hour away!
I didnt sleep well last night night even with taking Tamaz. I didnt get to sleep until after 10.30 and then awake at 2am, and then again at 4am. I hope I can see X today to start sorting out my meds. Im not sure what I want to happen. I think I want something like zyprexa, but my poor liver!!
(That day of all the blood tests, I was getting ready in the morning and thought that my tan was starting to get really good and even Em thought that I was looking quite tanned too - neither of us put it down to being my liver...and she's even worked in aged care and picked it up all the time!)
I like Dr Z more than X. X always has her lip turned up where he is soft and gentle and listened and helped me make sense of everything. Z helped me remember things, he was gentle and sat back on the lounge and was genuine with his questions. X would just say ' but why?'. And she sits on the edge of her seat!
As I spoke to him about my life he listened and took things in. Z kept asking about what I felt about things, why I didnt question myself, why did I think I was normal when I had all these issues.
I dont know who I am and he even said that himself. I want to know who I am but dont know where to stat.
Do I start grieving for Stephen? I think that process has begun.
Thinking of Stephen makes me tired, all of a sudden I have heavy eye lids. Its like my mind is worn out with the memories, the emotion, anything to do with it so it wants to sleep. Is it my way of not wanting to face all that stuff? Do I not want to deal with my memories, my emotions of it?
Did I really mask deal with his death with ventolin abuse? And can someone so young understand that it got you high? I obviously did! Deep down did I know what was wrong with me? How did I know? I was 10!! I remember having lots of ventolin and feeling dizzy and it made me feel good!
And this went on until I was nearly 16. But during this time I never really tried to remember Stephen. Yes, I thought about it but I never, never tried to process what had happened. He had become an angel - simple wasn't it!
And remember Cobain's death. I remember I felt strong, proud, like I felt stronger knowing he took death on even though he lost. And in yr 11 when K hung himself. I didnt even know him and it affected me big time. I remember feeling sad and depressed around that time. Yet I never talked to anyone about it.
Why couldn't I have dealt with all that before? Like when it happened? Why now all these years later?
Why am I so scared of death? I understood what suicide was when cobain died but why did I feel proud of him? Why did I feel stronger? Why did I feel sad or even worse when that happened? Its not as if he was a close family member or a friend.
Why didnt someone talk to me about it? All I remember was Mum telling me he was an idiot!
...They have moved G up to West. (Eloura West - on the other side of the carpark here). It took 4 doses of sedatives to do something. You should see the damage he did around the door. The wall is cracked and the render has come off up the top. So glad he has been moved!! Nothing like some excitement to start the day off - and a long day it will be!!
...Just had a quick chat with Annie about yesterday. Maybe just saying it, having it out, remembering it all might be enough, maybe I dont need to process everything. But she said that X will want to talk about it this arvo in the meeting.
I hope I have the strength for that! I feel like I do. today I feel lighter like a huge load has lifted from me! Apart from being tired i feel good. I weighed myself..72kg. Wonder what I would be on Mum's scales..got down to 69kg on hers.
So far I haven't had anything stolen hey! Pretty good seeing that its Kly's little hobby. Ive still got my mobile - amazingly. Thought they would have found it by now with the amount of bed strips and gear searches they do. Ive come close soooo many times. My ipod is still here (listening to it now actually) and even my clothes haven't been touched. Not that she would fit into them, although, going off the clothes she wears she would give it a shot!!

Got a message off A this morning telling me they talk about catching up with me, my writing, my music and my perfectionism like J. I haven't heard from J but thats ok. She has lots of uni and stuff to do. Hope she is ok. I dont let on but Im always thinking of them, wondering what they are doing, how they are coping with their day (whether J is going to cook dinner or get take-away lol). I wonder what the kids are doing. She seems to be taking #1 and #2 everywhere but never mentions taking #3 anywhere other than tennis on Thursdays.
Mum should be here in a while.
...Just had a couple of hours with mum which was nice. I explained yesterday to her and Annie did a little too. It was nice just us 2 having a mum-daughter chat.

Im still kicking myself about hurting J. I never like hurting people, not people who mean a lot to me, not J of all people. I dunno what has got into me lately. Im never this selfish, I always put other peoples needs first and mine second. Never did I for one second think just how much all this has effected her when I know full well that she is deal with her own shit. I miss her messages and its all because of my selfishness! Ive a friend instead of saving her from her own life. I wish i could say sorry in person to her!!

everything
It was like a choir of angels
in the realms of
unknown territory;
soft and gentle like
mist in the
morning light;
Autumn leaves falling
from heaven like
snowflakes in winter.
As the sun sets and
makes streets
look like fire,
a day ends where
I know everything
will be alright.

Totally describes how I feel about today. yesterday was good. I feel that even though Im not sure what to do that talking about it was enough! I dont have to have answers to everything but getting it out was good!

Had a quick meeting with X and she is really happy with how things went yesterday. Hopefully I get leave over the weekend hey. Mum is bringing the kids up 2mrw - yay!!
Poor Amy though, if your  not careful she flies under the radar. She thinks everyone is lying to her about me. She doesn't believe anything they tell her. She is staying at Mums tonight and she was crying cos she didnt want to leave Nathan. Poor thing!! She wont tell you what she is thinking or feeling until its too late. My little Amy is so precious!!


12/9/09 Day 26
Having a nice morning. We're listening to some music C (patient) bought yesterday. Still in my PJ's but should think about getting dressed soon, kids will be here this morning with Mum. I keep thinking Ive got to get dressed early 'cos I have things to do but I dont!
Ive taken a liking to drinking hot water instead of tea or coffee 'cos I was having so many with 2 sugars, figured out I better cut the sugar out so I didnt put on too much weight with no exercise.
I feel so ready to go home. I know my anxiety needs to be under control when Im out but nearly 4 weeks in here is insane! I miss my kids, Nath. I miss my friends, my life. I want to be home so we can go camping!! That is what im aiming for at the moment. I just need to be able to sleep so that I dont feel so drained and tired. So, I have to fight through another today and tomorrow then get reviewed on Monday with Sinclair and go from there.
Ive written up my action plan so I can tell them and show them that I can try and that Im ready.
.....new sheets and gear search today - THEY FOUND MY PHONE damn it!! I walked in just as they were about to strip my bed so I said that I would do it - my phone was on charge under my pillow. So I looked after that and put my phone in my bag. But when I had made my bed I forgot to put my phone back under my pillow. I went on as usual and then quite a while later, Annie came into the court yard holding my phone and charger!!! lol. I instantly said 'Oh yeah, I forgot they were there!' she was ok with that though - cos Im one of the nice, quiet, well behaved ones ;) and didnt think I had been using it cos I had been using the patients phone on the wall (little does she know I was using both hahahahaha).

The visit with the kids went well. Amy is very hard to deal with at the moment, doesn't take much for her to cry and carry on. she is pulling her hair out a lot and has a big massive gap on the right side towards the back. Jonty has a bit of a cold, Kasey is good and Bridie is being a little trooper as usual. Cannt wait to get home. We leave for St George in 2 weeks tomorrow so we will be cutting it fine. I so hope we still go. I gotta get good on day leave and Ive gotta prove I can deal with this!
What a boring afternoon hey! I am seriously soooo bored!! But the weather is beautiful and its hot although we only have the courtyard to sit in.
I keep coming down to my room to check my phone. Ah well, I guess its a sign not to talk to J and A anymore.
Joh reckons, more like hopes, that J will be mature enough to realise that Im not myself at the moment. Im trying to be mature enough to handle the rejection of someone who is/was a friend. I realise what I did wrong. (My writing is messy right now 'cos Im walking)
Ok, on the verandah now, the sun is setting on what has been a relaxing day. Its nearly dinner time, goodo! Ann of green Gables is on tonight at 7.30. Hope we can watch it.
What a beaut day!!

Everyone keeps saying I have a gift with writing and with how I describe things. Heaps of people, here and on facebook, ask if Im writing a book or my autobiography. I keep having this thought of somehow helping people understand suicide and how people can do it. Im not clever enough to write a book but I wonder where life wll take me. Im wondering who Im able to help. Suicide is something noone can understand unless you've been close to it, been in depression or suicided - but then thats not possible unless it was a failed attempt. But first I need to help me get better.
I feel lost without my phone. I keep wanting to check it. I wonder what my friends are doing; whether Joh when to the doctor yesterday and whether Trina had a good time with Ethans party, wonder if there is a message from J or A. I wonder what I would write for my status on facebook and wonder how many people wonder what has happened to me....Ive disappeared lol....aka got my phone confiscated!!
Its quiet here right now. Everyone has gone to their room or just sitting quietly watching telly.
I wonder what J or A are doing right now?  Wonder if they are cleaning up after dinner, the kids watching telly, A could be working (hope not!) and J doing uni. I wonder how Joh is tonight and whether she is going to get a goodnight sleep, I wonder how Eden is going and if she is still sick. I also wonder if she will visit tomorrow? she has on other Sundays, I wonder what J said to her.
Gee Im tired! Im so sick of waking up all night long. Its basically every 2hrs. Tonight I wont have my phone to check the time and wont be able to go on fb when I wake up too so with that gone I might start to sleep better. I hope so. If I could do some exercise then I might sleep better. Tamaz (20mg) does nothing and is a waste of time!
There's a domestic going on in the courtyard. The new ** woman and 2 others are going at it in a screaming match. Oh now she's crying. Poor diddums!!
Bc's asleep in the adolescents room right now. I can hear Audry in the background (you cannt escape her!) and the windows are open to their max. (all of a whopping 2 inches!!) but its still nice and quiet. The room feels empty like there are no angels, no evil spirits, no God. feels like there is space for once around me and its enjoyable. I know Im dribbling crap now in here but its nice. Im not even listening to music. Not going to have a shower either. Just going to sit and enjoy my own company!


13/9/09 Day 27
Depression is the thread of continuity - its the link between what I was to what I am.

Woke up early again this morning. Didnt take Tamaz last night and really struggled going to sleep. I just want a good solid night sleep. I wish they would give me something to sleep other than Tamaz. Wish I had one of mums restavit's!!
So here we are for another day in this place. Wonder what will happen today - I hate Sundays in here!! Not much will happen, as usual I guess. I wish I could hear from Joh, maybe she will just rock up, probably not though.
I know when you have depression that your not yourself and sometimes say things that you wouldn't normally say. I wonder what things I have said that isn't me? Are the things Ive said about ******, things to J and others not me?? I wish Joh was here so I could ask her. Maybe Ill try to remember for when I see her again.
I also noticed last night talking to M (patient) about bikes that I cannt remember details that I would normally remember about bikes that dad has had over the years. And its not just about bikes that I have a vague memory, I forget the names of shops, items, how to get to places, names of streets, The biggest thing is Jonty's first 6 months!! Thats just huge!! (Stress is actually known to kill brain cells and therefore shrinking the size of your prefrontal cortex which is involved in working memory and also your hypocampus which is involved with your long term memory.....).
Been thinking hey. Back in May I think it was when A lost a patient to cancer made me remember my childhood and being in the cancer ward as a kid. I think (vaguely thinking though) that that may have been  the start of me falling apart.. But more so with the 14yr old suicide in Melbourne., I should be thanking A in a way hey. I wish this never happened though - I would be home with my family - but with all these issues still masked.


...Just had the kids, Mum and Dad, Em and C visit. Was good fun. Jonty took a while to take up 'cos he had been asleep in the car. Amy was pretty good. As much as she is stressing she is still coping. Kasey was 'bored'. She sat on my lap and I had a nice cuddle with her.
I rang Nath to see if he was going to visit with Bridie but he is building something for me but its a secret and he wants to do it today while the kids aren't there. He told me I could eat it ( you wont get it....its just between us that joke!!)
...The fire alarms went off too this moring while everyone wa here visiting! I reckon it was the bag lady - she's been asking everyone how you get to the shops and taking her bag with her everywhere she goes. She has escaped and IF they find her she'll be put in West. (they never find her). She even tried starting a fire in her room - sharing with Ml but Ml gave it to her!! We aren't allowed in our rooms and if we do go we have to be escorted so for now its just sitting, writing and waiting another 17 minutes til lunch time.

For lunch we can have the following:
Veal and Gravy
Sausages in Gravy
Cannelloni
Jacket Potatoes
Zuccini
Sweet Potato
Apricots

I think I might have a sandwich.

Might find a spot in the sun later and read my book a bit more. Its a beautiful 30 degrees today. Summer is here! Not that we had much of a winter, wasn't really that cold. 10 minutes til lunch. Gee Im tired, its like I haven't slept!!