This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
A Massive Year Almost Complete!!
There has been so much going on this year and yet we survived. I can almost taste the freedom that a new year may bring. So what hasn't happened this year?
Amy started school and then the house went on the market which sold in a matter of weeks which meant moving sooner than we thought and missing out on our Cape York trip.
So we moved 1200km north into QLD and moved in with the inlaws which turned out to be chaotically and emotionally draining which saw us moved out weeks later into the house in the clouds.
Nath got a job almost instantly which was amazingly great!! What a change to Nowra where you couldn't get another job worthy of leaving such a stable one.
The girls settled into school without much of a drama. Amy settled in really well but Kasey took a little longer.
Amy's hair pulling continued to increase and eventually ended up with her being so stressed with everything that one particular day she was constipated, then had the runs....it was far too much for her coping with change that I had her assessed over the phone with the USQ psychology clinic. They accepted her a couple of days later and the weekly sessions with her psychologist started. She wasn't too sure at first and of course 'Red-Ted' came as he did everywhere. It started out with me staying in the session with her but we (her psyc and I) both realised that when she wasn't sure of how to answer she would look at me to help her. So that lead her to having sessions without me. Over the time, she learnt about emotions, calming and relaxation, stress, who she is, what makes her special but one thing I believe it has done is made her more susceptible to change. Her clothes, socks, shoes, hair, routine for brekky, bed....you name it, it cannot change! every single day its the same clothes for school and I have to either wash them at night and have them dry by the morning or buy 2 or 3 of everything (which works wonders!!!!!).
As for Kasey, she got sick, nothing intense but sick nonetheless and never seemed to get better so 3mths later I took her to the GP who thought her symptoms suggested glandular fever. The medications weren't relieving the symptoms, it didn't matter what we did so bloods were done and it came back saying that she did have GF but NOT within 2mths of the blood test.
So it was off to a paediatrician who charged a fortune to say "She doesn't exercise enough....don't know what it is so go see this guy...". How furious could that make me!!??!! So a 3wk wait saw us in Brisbane at The Wesley Medical Centre seeing a paediatric rheumatologist (who charged almost dbl of the paed back home). He was brilliant and tested her mobility.....she doesn't have the worse case of hyper extension but she has it along with weak muscles that are struggling as they work like normal muscles but also trying to keep her joints from over extending. She has rehab 6 times weekly where she has to be doing low impact exercise like walking, bike riding and swimming. We are not anal about it as she is super active, always chasing the dogs, climbing trees, running, playing....
It was during these months that she had almost every day off school. My aunt also had a blood test organised for her in regards to IgG food intolerance's which came back with a slightly impressive list. She still needs to bloods done to rule out Lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and to also check her connective tissue health. Poor kid has been pocked and prodded but its worth it despite the amount of "I hate you's" I get from her!
Her symptoms use to vary from headaches, earaches, sore throat, swollen glands, unreadable fever )feels very hot yet temp was in normal range), lethargy, fatigue, body aches particularly wrist and ankles.
She has been a hard case to deal with but we are starting to get answers.
Her food intolerance's are hard to remember.....this is some of them :)
Wheat, gluten, dairy, beetroot, peanuts, oranges, cane sugar, cocoa, yeast, pork......
Her diet is very restrictive and she is starting to get used to it, and so are we. Ive come off gluten, wheat, dairy etc to support her, as is the others just without knowing it. I'm making more and more things from scratch, the bikky and slice recipes are trial and error but we are getting there!
Then there has been my health. Just after glandular fever came into the diagnoses for Kasey, I got ripper sick with this cough. As normal I fought it with asthma meds which didn't help and because so much of my attention was focused on Amy, Kasey, uni and then just normal very day life I just figured I would let it go away.....but only a month ago I started getting seriously sharp pains in my chest - serious enough for me to go to the GP the next day. So to confirm my suspicion, he said it was Pleurisy. I was put on prednisone for 5 days which worked a treat! Until a week ago (I had been off prednisone for a week) when the coughing started and the phlegm was coming up every single time.....its only time for the sharp pains to come back so Ive put myself back on the prednisone. If it doesn't work for good this time, or the next time I will go back and organise a chest xray. And as usual its my right lung suffering the most 0 the lung which had the peanut in it as a kid.
Uni exams are over and I managed credits!! Which part of me is a little disappointed despite knowing I did what I could. The other bit of me is knowing that despite all that has been going on Ive done good and should be happy!!
Naths had a rough time with work always on strike or having stand down days cos they cannt get the stock in with road closures etc from all the rain. He starts a new job tomorrow at a farm equipment welding mob out there. Starts off as full time and is being paid for his time off over Chrissy despite not having holidays, so it sounds good - fingers crossed it stays good. He will get paid more and there is plenty of overtime....wooooohoooo!!
My mind is feeling great, I dont feel lost, lonely or anything. So many people wanted it to not work out for me just to prove a point that it was a bad decision moving, but its been great. Bloody hard yakka, but great. I live on a mountain with the best view!! Surrounded by farms....its cool!! Yeah Im still on antidepressants but life has been that chaordic (chaotic/orderly) that it would be silly to even think of coming off them.
Ive come across some hard times with friends some old school friends and new friends. One went missing only to be found to have suicided, another in a serious case of trouble in the supreme court system on some serious charges, and also domestic violence. Its opened my eyes and really hit me the reality of shit out there.
Its been a tough year, its seriously been tough, but Ive fought through with no drama's really. My kids are on the mend, both girls have long term health problems/issues that will always need attending to and then the mental stability as I deal with the rest that life has thrown us.
I miss my dreads but this is a new chapter with a new hair style. Maybe I need a new tattoo to symbolise a new start somewhere too.....what a shame that would be :) Would love the southern cross, the boxing kangaroo, fed flag.....rm williams horns would be the ultimate I reckon.....or all of them....!!
So cheers to 2011, you my dear friend have been a test of true character. May 2012 be little less crazy and testing!!
Amy started school and then the house went on the market which sold in a matter of weeks which meant moving sooner than we thought and missing out on our Cape York trip.
So we moved 1200km north into QLD and moved in with the inlaws which turned out to be chaotically and emotionally draining which saw us moved out weeks later into the house in the clouds.
Nath got a job almost instantly which was amazingly great!! What a change to Nowra where you couldn't get another job worthy of leaving such a stable one.
The girls settled into school without much of a drama. Amy settled in really well but Kasey took a little longer.
Amy's hair pulling continued to increase and eventually ended up with her being so stressed with everything that one particular day she was constipated, then had the runs....it was far too much for her coping with change that I had her assessed over the phone with the USQ psychology clinic. They accepted her a couple of days later and the weekly sessions with her psychologist started. She wasn't too sure at first and of course 'Red-Ted' came as he did everywhere. It started out with me staying in the session with her but we (her psyc and I) both realised that when she wasn't sure of how to answer she would look at me to help her. So that lead her to having sessions without me. Over the time, she learnt about emotions, calming and relaxation, stress, who she is, what makes her special but one thing I believe it has done is made her more susceptible to change. Her clothes, socks, shoes, hair, routine for brekky, bed....you name it, it cannot change! every single day its the same clothes for school and I have to either wash them at night and have them dry by the morning or buy 2 or 3 of everything (which works wonders!!!!!).
As for Kasey, she got sick, nothing intense but sick nonetheless and never seemed to get better so 3mths later I took her to the GP who thought her symptoms suggested glandular fever. The medications weren't relieving the symptoms, it didn't matter what we did so bloods were done and it came back saying that she did have GF but NOT within 2mths of the blood test.
So it was off to a paediatrician who charged a fortune to say "She doesn't exercise enough....don't know what it is so go see this guy...". How furious could that make me!!??!! So a 3wk wait saw us in Brisbane at The Wesley Medical Centre seeing a paediatric rheumatologist (who charged almost dbl of the paed back home). He was brilliant and tested her mobility.....she doesn't have the worse case of hyper extension but she has it along with weak muscles that are struggling as they work like normal muscles but also trying to keep her joints from over extending. She has rehab 6 times weekly where she has to be doing low impact exercise like walking, bike riding and swimming. We are not anal about it as she is super active, always chasing the dogs, climbing trees, running, playing....
It was during these months that she had almost every day off school. My aunt also had a blood test organised for her in regards to IgG food intolerance's which came back with a slightly impressive list. She still needs to bloods done to rule out Lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and to also check her connective tissue health. Poor kid has been pocked and prodded but its worth it despite the amount of "I hate you's" I get from her!
Her symptoms use to vary from headaches, earaches, sore throat, swollen glands, unreadable fever )feels very hot yet temp was in normal range), lethargy, fatigue, body aches particularly wrist and ankles.
She has been a hard case to deal with but we are starting to get answers.
Her food intolerance's are hard to remember.....this is some of them :)
Wheat, gluten, dairy, beetroot, peanuts, oranges, cane sugar, cocoa, yeast, pork......
Her diet is very restrictive and she is starting to get used to it, and so are we. Ive come off gluten, wheat, dairy etc to support her, as is the others just without knowing it. I'm making more and more things from scratch, the bikky and slice recipes are trial and error but we are getting there!
Then there has been my health. Just after glandular fever came into the diagnoses for Kasey, I got ripper sick with this cough. As normal I fought it with asthma meds which didn't help and because so much of my attention was focused on Amy, Kasey, uni and then just normal very day life I just figured I would let it go away.....but only a month ago I started getting seriously sharp pains in my chest - serious enough for me to go to the GP the next day. So to confirm my suspicion, he said it was Pleurisy. I was put on prednisone for 5 days which worked a treat! Until a week ago (I had been off prednisone for a week) when the coughing started and the phlegm was coming up every single time.....its only time for the sharp pains to come back so Ive put myself back on the prednisone. If it doesn't work for good this time, or the next time I will go back and organise a chest xray. And as usual its my right lung suffering the most 0 the lung which had the peanut in it as a kid.
Uni exams are over and I managed credits!! Which part of me is a little disappointed despite knowing I did what I could. The other bit of me is knowing that despite all that has been going on Ive done good and should be happy!!
Naths had a rough time with work always on strike or having stand down days cos they cannt get the stock in with road closures etc from all the rain. He starts a new job tomorrow at a farm equipment welding mob out there. Starts off as full time and is being paid for his time off over Chrissy despite not having holidays, so it sounds good - fingers crossed it stays good. He will get paid more and there is plenty of overtime....wooooohoooo!!
My mind is feeling great, I dont feel lost, lonely or anything. So many people wanted it to not work out for me just to prove a point that it was a bad decision moving, but its been great. Bloody hard yakka, but great. I live on a mountain with the best view!! Surrounded by farms....its cool!! Yeah Im still on antidepressants but life has been that chaordic (chaotic/orderly) that it would be silly to even think of coming off them.
Ive come across some hard times with friends some old school friends and new friends. One went missing only to be found to have suicided, another in a serious case of trouble in the supreme court system on some serious charges, and also domestic violence. Its opened my eyes and really hit me the reality of shit out there.
Its been a tough year, its seriously been tough, but Ive fought through with no drama's really. My kids are on the mend, both girls have long term health problems/issues that will always need attending to and then the mental stability as I deal with the rest that life has thrown us.
I miss my dreads but this is a new chapter with a new hair style. Maybe I need a new tattoo to symbolise a new start somewhere too.....what a shame that would be :) Would love the southern cross, the boxing kangaroo, fed flag.....rm williams horns would be the ultimate I reckon.....or all of them....!!
So cheers to 2011, you my dear friend have been a test of true character. May 2012 be little less crazy and testing!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Im drunk off 2 rums ;)
I feel tipsy off one rum!! Whats wrong with me!! Im onto my second and boy does that feel good. I don’t think my head can cope too much more drama anymore. Life is suppose to be busy with kids and all that and doing uni at the same time but my head feels like its going to explode!!
ps. I cannt be f'd going through looking for spelling mistakes, even though Ive had 2 rums, its 1/4 of a bottle!!
Kasey has been super sick for years, just ask Trina. She has said to me for so long that Kasey isn’t right, that something is going on with her. I saw it but thought ‘maybe tomorrow she will be slightly better’ or ‘if she isn’t better by next week Ill take her to the doctor’. Im so over trying to find out what is going on with her. An innocent heart murmur was found – no biggy, same with a bladder and kidney infection, other stuff along the way, and I vaguely remember glandular fever a long time ago explaining why she was so sick…but that was a loooong time ago. So the latest ‘glandular fever’ is really not gf but a massive flair up of what is thought to be chronic fatigue (which could also include Fibro Myalgia) and /or Juvenile Arthritis. Argh! Another lot of things to try and see if they fit her. Im so over her whinging about headaches, body aches, being tired, her sore throat, sore ankles, sore wrist….its constant. Paracetamol doesn’t help, neither does ibuprofen, the childrens version on panadeine (pain stop) kind of took the edge off this arvo, but was still whinging. Im over it!! But so is she!! The poor kid is missing so much school because of it. Too much!! She has been given work to do and Ive bought heaps of work books for her to go through …. And cos she is from nsw going to qld education system she is ahead of everyone so that isn’t an issue.
Amy has been good, apart from a serious meltdown the other day….well, it went all weekend but its ok, she is ok now and she has only 1 more sesh with her psyc. She is doing much better according to her teacher, at home she is much better too but she is still definitely on a rollercoaster….its evened out though …bonus!!
As for me…well….can you see why my head is struggling to keep up with life? I feel strong though…but cannt deal with too much more in my life. The thought of anything other than my familys wellbeing is hard to comprehend.
I went back ‘home’ in the school holidays for 10 days…that was awesome catching up with everyone, especially my family and Trina…to sit on her lounge and go off into la-la land and know that all is well is just perfect!!
And as good as it was to go back, Im happy that we have moved. Would life be any different if we hadn’t moved?? Nope!! Life is good up here…sure its got its bad parts but ‘celebrate the small stuff’ is my moto (with many others lol).
I went and saw my darling R!! She had archived me, I couldn’t believe it!! I had to have the ok from her that I was going ok, that I was doing everything as I should be…which I was, I am. Im doing more than just ‘well’. Boy was that a relief!! I know Im not feeling like I was 2yrs ago so I must be ok but I just needed her to tell me that I was ok, that I wasn’t heading in the wrong direction. She asked why I hadn’t got a new psyc – I haven’t felt like Ive needed one yet. Which I haven’t, honestly, but I thought ‘why not, Im in nowra, might as well go see her’ . And because she encouraged me to try a new doctor, I didn’t go see Mikey to renew my scripts….which I now need to do cos Im gunna run out super soon.
Oh guess what happened the other day?????
I was in the local shop and the other 2 women there – one working there, were whinging about their kids, yada yada yada, so I said ‘strike, Ive got ages to go til that happens then’ and then explained how our eldest is 8, youngest is 2. Then the one that got some fuel said ‘seriously mate, you need to get ya hubbys gun and shoot yaself cosy a gunna be better off’. And boy was she serious about it. Her kids must have been giving her hell hey!! But I instantly thought “holy ****, lucky Im not suicidal!!”. This woman was deadest serious!! If I was where I was 2yrs ago, that would have confirmed my need to top myself!! How powerful can words be huh!!
Just a simple sentence like that in a serious tone….or even joking one…can have a major impact on someone…people like that need a swift kick in the ass and a stay in a psyc ward to teach them a few things!! All I could say was ‘fark me dead woman!!’ as I walked out.
We take words for granted so much, because we don’t remember the time in our life when we didn’t have words but gee, sometimes we need to watch what we say, things like that woman said could have made a person at risk to suicide. Silly woman!!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Did I really just do that??
I cannt believe what I did this arvo!! Did I really just do what I think I did?? I was in a tute (Im at an intensive/res school for uni til Monday arvo for my psyc206 cognitive psyc unit) and it was a debate on the validity of recovered memories.....basically, there is lots of evidence saying that recovered memories are valid - whether they are real or false memories is not the problem - they are real for that person and we need to respect that. Afterwards we had a discussion about it. I told them my memory of being in hospital getting the peanut out of my lung, how Stephen died and wasn't there when I got back....yada yada yada....(if you dont know the story go to one of my very first blogs - all the details are there) and how that session with Dr W (I think it was...well thats his initial anyway...) the psychiatrist probed me enough to talk about it. And this is something I never went through with Ruth, not sure why, I just didnt. My memory is warped. My memory is tricking me, or maybe its not. The problem is that I dont think Stephen died, I know he existed - I can clearly picture his name on top of his bed on the wall, and was in that bed....but I have no recollection of him after my operation. I dont know if he died, I dont know if we had brekky together again. Maybe he didnt exist and is a fabrication of my 'fantasy'. But I know he was real. Maybe its a classic trauma repressed memory that has been retrieved wrongly. I question anything and everything about memory now. But I cannt believe I did it - I said it out loud that I dont know....all that I know is that he is/was a real kid in that bed.
I feel like such a flipping idiot, that a false memory that was repressed for soooooo long was killing me on the inside. What is worse is that I have bottled it up for the last 18mths. I remember in a session with Ruth we were talking about something and I instantly knew my memory was warped about Stephen. It was a light bulb moment - aha! I got it - I was wrong all along!! Stupid!!
Maybe as a child we perceive things differently. They dont know what the right words are to use to explain things, they cannt see everything with the big picture in mind - they dont have that life experience us adults have (well, most have!). So Ive somehow made up this fabrication that I have told myself over and over and over and over again so many times that I believed it. Or is that what I really remember about hospital - friends and death???? Maybe it was the girl in the bed opposite to me that died, maybe not. And what about that ghostly figure I saw??? That nurse who looked as if her feet were through the floor and I could only see her from the ankles up - the one in the old style nurses uniform - hat and all. She came to my bed and told me everything would be alright. Was that a figment of my imagination???
Memories suck ass!! Is what we remember really real?? Is what we see real or is our brain tricking us?? Is what Im seeing out my window real?? Or is it what my brain knows to be real so its there for me to see?? Am I getting too deep?? I think I am :P
So where do I go from here?? Nowhere - to bed I guess!! I wish so very much that I could remember what 'really' happened when I was 8yrs old.
I feel like such a flipping idiot, that a false memory that was repressed for soooooo long was killing me on the inside. What is worse is that I have bottled it up for the last 18mths. I remember in a session with Ruth we were talking about something and I instantly knew my memory was warped about Stephen. It was a light bulb moment - aha! I got it - I was wrong all along!! Stupid!!
Maybe as a child we perceive things differently. They dont know what the right words are to use to explain things, they cannt see everything with the big picture in mind - they dont have that life experience us adults have (well, most have!). So Ive somehow made up this fabrication that I have told myself over and over and over and over again so many times that I believed it. Or is that what I really remember about hospital - friends and death???? Maybe it was the girl in the bed opposite to me that died, maybe not. And what about that ghostly figure I saw??? That nurse who looked as if her feet were through the floor and I could only see her from the ankles up - the one in the old style nurses uniform - hat and all. She came to my bed and told me everything would be alright. Was that a figment of my imagination???
Memories suck ass!! Is what we remember really real?? Is what we see real or is our brain tricking us?? Is what Im seeing out my window real?? Or is it what my brain knows to be real so its there for me to see?? Am I getting too deep?? I think I am :P
So where do I go from here?? Nowhere - to bed I guess!! I wish so very much that I could remember what 'really' happened when I was 8yrs old.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Hello 2yrs
Its 2yrs since I was admitted to hospital today. 2yrs since I was suicidal. 2yrs since reaching out and getting help. 2yrs since the real me came out. 2yrs since i met Ally. 2yrs since medication started. 2yrs.....and gee has that gone fast.
Im not going to go back and read my journals, not going to reflect on the past, not going to talk about it after this little stint, not going to give it another thought.
But I am going to continue to fight, continue to help others, continue to make it known the struggle of MDD, PTSD, BPD, FM, CFS and every other non-visual syndrome out there, continue on with life as I know it.
My motto in every day life for depression is that "I own it, it doesn't own me. I dont suffer from it, it lives with me, it will not bring me down to that place I was 2yrs ago".
I wish for so much in my life and only some of it can come true, but my next step in helping those with depression is looking at TRD (Treatment-Resistant Depression) and how neuroscience can help understand their way of thinking and processing so that their psychotherapy can be more beneficial.
I need to be humanised - coffee. My head feels like it is full of fog with a brick being pushed into my forehead. I have sat down and watched some telly - that felt good while it lasted. But alas, housework will not get done by itself (if only we could work that mystery out....we'd be millionaires!!). So as you go about your day, think of those around you who MAY be suseptible to depression and the like. Think about whether they are going on as if life is normal, yet hiding the deepest, most horrible desease inside them that is eating them away. Why is it that there is so much stigma on people getting help for depression, those who speak up about their feelings and thoughts yet those who are suffering in silence are the ones who are at most harm. Im not dissing those who are out getting help, but they are 'in the system' and can be followed up on.....its those who are suffering in silence, who feel they cannt open up that are in danger. How will you approach that 'taboo' topic?? How will you help them?? What can you do?? What would you do??
I compare Snowy to Mark Priestly (Dan from "All Saints"). Mark was open about his depression and suffering, the ups and downs of being good, then going through bad patches. Its been a few years since his suicide now. Then there's Snowy, who, from what I know, was not open about is agony, about what was killing him on the inside.....2 different events leading to suicidal action.....who is the one you look upon with more sadness?? Who needed more help??
Depression is so much like cancer....it eats at you, stops your body from working properly, you see the effects it has on a person and BOTH are treatable and BOTH can come back time and time again, but treatment is always there, help is always there, support is always there.
If you feel like your at the bottom of your deep dark hole.....just think, if you feel getting further and further down your hole....you'll end up at China.....there is ALWAYS a way out!!
xoxox
Im not going to go back and read my journals, not going to reflect on the past, not going to talk about it after this little stint, not going to give it another thought.
But I am going to continue to fight, continue to help others, continue to make it known the struggle of MDD, PTSD, BPD, FM, CFS and every other non-visual syndrome out there, continue on with life as I know it.
My motto in every day life for depression is that "I own it, it doesn't own me. I dont suffer from it, it lives with me, it will not bring me down to that place I was 2yrs ago".
I wish for so much in my life and only some of it can come true, but my next step in helping those with depression is looking at TRD (Treatment-Resistant Depression) and how neuroscience can help understand their way of thinking and processing so that their psychotherapy can be more beneficial.
I need to be humanised - coffee. My head feels like it is full of fog with a brick being pushed into my forehead. I have sat down and watched some telly - that felt good while it lasted. But alas, housework will not get done by itself (if only we could work that mystery out....we'd be millionaires!!). So as you go about your day, think of those around you who MAY be suseptible to depression and the like. Think about whether they are going on as if life is normal, yet hiding the deepest, most horrible desease inside them that is eating them away. Why is it that there is so much stigma on people getting help for depression, those who speak up about their feelings and thoughts yet those who are suffering in silence are the ones who are at most harm. Im not dissing those who are out getting help, but they are 'in the system' and can be followed up on.....its those who are suffering in silence, who feel they cannt open up that are in danger. How will you approach that 'taboo' topic?? How will you help them?? What can you do?? What would you do??
I compare Snowy to Mark Priestly (Dan from "All Saints"). Mark was open about his depression and suffering, the ups and downs of being good, then going through bad patches. Its been a few years since his suicide now. Then there's Snowy, who, from what I know, was not open about is agony, about what was killing him on the inside.....2 different events leading to suicidal action.....who is the one you look upon with more sadness?? Who needed more help??
Depression is so much like cancer....it eats at you, stops your body from working properly, you see the effects it has on a person and BOTH are treatable and BOTH can come back time and time again, but treatment is always there, help is always there, support is always there.
If you feel like your at the bottom of your deep dark hole.....just think, if you feel getting further and further down your hole....you'll end up at China.....there is ALWAYS a way out!!
xoxox
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The House in the Clouds
Oh wow, where on earth has the last 2 months gone?? So much has happened, yet so little. Kids have been sick, Nath's had pretty bad carpel tunnel syndrome from working on the 'fat sucker' at the abattoir, Kasey turned 8yrs and Amy 6yrs just 2 days ago, and Ive just been here, being the glue that I am. And my most precious dog Benson who has been living with my grandfather for 5yrs died. That was so hard knowing I was up here and couldn't go see either of them. Before we moved I gave Benny one last cuddle :(
So, The House in the Clouds. The name kind of says it all, right? Damn straight it does!! We have moved out of the out-laws place. We should have rented from the beginning so that we wouldn't have to go through what we have gone through. It was ridiculous trying to live in a house where we were expected to feel at home, live as if it were our home yet live by another's rules. Dealing with the stresses of living there, plus having exams for uni and looking for somewhere to rent made emotions pretty edgy but we have survived another move 12km from there to a little slice of heaven on earth.
To get to our little slice of heaven you gotta go by dirt road. What a shame!! Dirt roads!! And red dirt too!! After driving past a few farms, a few left turns here, a right turn there, you get to a tiny little place called Glencoe. The census in 2006 said there was 600 people living here, sounds pretty high to me considering....we'll see what this year's census says. This 'town' isn't a town, it doesn't have a pub, corner store, doesn't even have a school. Its a tiny pocket of houses amongst the local farms. The local shops are 20mins or more away, but there is a pub about 14km down the road and a servo 5km on from there. Its not like a city out here where one suburb leads into another. Our posty comes in a 4wd not on a posty bike. Our 4wd struggles to get up our driveway in the dry (well, not struggle but its bumpy and far from an easy drive!), we have 180 degree view of Toowoomba in the horizon which is south so Ive worked out, Oakey and Dalby out west. As far as the eye can see its farm, after farm, after farm. Ive been able to see Nath about 8km away coming around the 'Birdswood Sanctuary' mountain SE of here. We're the first to get the sun rise and the last to see it go down. We have 14 steps up to the front door, once inside there is another 14 to go upstairs. We live at the very top of a mountain out in the country on an acre or so. Other than electricity, the rest is up to us.....water tank is it, there's no town water....but we do get the garbo truck and mail.
Our Place....which now has a fire pit in the middle of the photo
So why have we named her The House in the Clouds?? Because we were silly enough to not call her The House Above the Clouds. When there is fog, which is quite often - most mornings, its pretty rare for us to be IN the fog, we are usually above it. Some mornings we've woken up to a sea of white fluff. And its been cold up here, the wind gets icy too but we have now warmed up. The nights now are usually about 5 degrees and the days are getting up to almost 20 degrees. One particular week, or a few weeks....we had the usual -3, -5 nights/mornings and up to 10 degrees during the day. I would wash up in cold water because it was warmer than the air and hot water was far too hot! Blistering!!
So as I sit here watching some show, I think about my lab reports for uni on psychological phenomena's, think of what to write here and while pondering the thoughts of having another cuppa I'm looking out the window and see a great big massive country town on the horizon glowing with her lights. I'm using the internet via mobile because we cannt get broadband and satellite is a possible option but right now I do not care, what we have works and that is fine. We are truly blessed to live here in the clouds, on top of a hill with a view noone would tire of.
Its been almost 3 months since we moved to sunny QLD. Its so good living in an ear with Skype, facebook, mobile phones.....you little ripper!! I can still talk face-to-face, its just 1200km apart!! My biggest heartache though has been friends. I went to a lady's house for dinner with about 18 other women. I had been invited by a lady from the church we had gone to on the previous Sunday. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I was the 'new kid', conversations didnt go past an introduction and the basic family run down, where we moved from, why the big move......the typical stuff. I met some lovely people. But as soon as I got home the anxiety kicked in and I started to fall apart - the shallow breathing, racing heart, sweaty hands, jittery, couldn't shut my brain off, I was teary and really felt like crap. I did the next day too and a little the day after that and gradually the rest of the week got a bit better each day. Ive caught up with another Ali, a friend who moved up here a few years ago so its nice knowing she's 30min away. And Jen, who is a family friend. Same age, 4 kids, done psychology. We get along. Same parenting style, same boundaries, expectations, trials and tribulations yet 2 very different upbringings. Its nice being able to talk to someone who knows your more than the introduction crap!!
This arvo I had a ripper of an anxiety attack for no reason at all, it just came and grabbed me like a heart attack. Since moving up here Ive had them more often and more severe than before the move, which is understandable and can totally understand the why behind it all and good ol' Laura just keeps on trudging along as she always does. Since its been cold my scars have begun to 'shine'....well, they've turned purple lol. I've got some on my fingers from picking at them so much, as soon as I get a sore I pick at it. Ive taped my fingers up on the odd occasion which has helped cos I pick at that instead. I think its just a fidgeting thing.
One thing I'm really struggling with is trying to find who I am up here. I REALLY miss my dreads, so much that I want to grow my hair long and get them again (not that I would - it would take about 3yrs or more to get my hair the right length). I don't feel lost but, I dunno, starting a whole new life is hard. I spent so much time talking to R about it and she warned me that this would happen - that i would have to find who I am, who I want people to know me as. It is good I guess, the people I meet don't know my baggage and that is kind of nice having that part of me they don't know.
Amy has been going to see one of the doctorate students at USQ about her hair pulling and anxiety. She really likes her. I don't want to go into it too much but we are trying new things to encourage development of new self soothing skills other than the hair pulling, thumb sucking and the little personality traits that really kick in when she is stressed out. Her psychologist is happy that I have brought her in though because its something that definitely needs dealing with now, not later. Childhood is such an important time to get things right, what she learns now at this age will either make her or break her in the years to come.
This week is the National Missing Persons Week. The lady who runs the AMPR (Australian Missing Persons Registry), Nicole, has done an amazing job at hi-liting all those people who are missing in our country. Ive spent so much time over the past 4 days reading through almost all of the cases she has shared on facebook this week. With every person who goes missing, at least 12 people are affected, from family, friends, colleagues etc. But it goes so much further than that too. Being apart of Nicole's group on fb has brought me heartache with one particular case lately, one I followed daily, one I prayed over, one that I was hoping for a good outcome. Sadly, like so many it didnt end well. So how about the people who follow these stories, the police involved, other rescue workers, the person who comes across a 'body'.What about the person who was the last one to have contact with that particular person and to find that they were.
So many people go missing for so many different reasons. What if I have come across someone who is 'missing'?? What if Ive come across someone and I was the last person to have contact with them?? What makes a person deliberately disappear and never return?? I know 2 yrs ago I really struggled with this and had to stop myself so many times from doing it.
Anyway, Ive procrastinated enough about having a shower and going to bed. Procrastination is an amazing thing!!
So, The House in the Clouds. The name kind of says it all, right? Damn straight it does!! We have moved out of the out-laws place. We should have rented from the beginning so that we wouldn't have to go through what we have gone through. It was ridiculous trying to live in a house where we were expected to feel at home, live as if it were our home yet live by another's rules. Dealing with the stresses of living there, plus having exams for uni and looking for somewhere to rent made emotions pretty edgy but we have survived another move 12km from there to a little slice of heaven on earth.
To get to our little slice of heaven you gotta go by dirt road. What a shame!! Dirt roads!! And red dirt too!! After driving past a few farms, a few left turns here, a right turn there, you get to a tiny little place called Glencoe. The census in 2006 said there was 600 people living here, sounds pretty high to me considering....we'll see what this year's census says. This 'town' isn't a town, it doesn't have a pub, corner store, doesn't even have a school. Its a tiny pocket of houses amongst the local farms. The local shops are 20mins or more away, but there is a pub about 14km down the road and a servo 5km on from there. Its not like a city out here where one suburb leads into another. Our posty comes in a 4wd not on a posty bike. Our 4wd struggles to get up our driveway in the dry (well, not struggle but its bumpy and far from an easy drive!), we have 180 degree view of Toowoomba in the horizon which is south so Ive worked out, Oakey and Dalby out west. As far as the eye can see its farm, after farm, after farm. Ive been able to see Nath about 8km away coming around the 'Birdswood Sanctuary' mountain SE of here. We're the first to get the sun rise and the last to see it go down. We have 14 steps up to the front door, once inside there is another 14 to go upstairs. We live at the very top of a mountain out in the country on an acre or so. Other than electricity, the rest is up to us.....water tank is it, there's no town water....but we do get the garbo truck and mail.
Looking pretty much south. Over the next lot of mountains is Toowoomba. In the middle of the photo is a tiny white bunch of 'stuff'. That is the Lutheran church that is well and truly over 130yrs old. One day I'll wander through the cemetery there.
Down the road a couple of km from our place.
In Tamworth, NSW, all roads lead to Gunnedah. Out here, all roads lead to another dirt road!
Looking almost west. That is another town down there (middle of photo) which actually has a pub, school and a doctors surgery.
This house is our next door neighbour to the right. Its for sale, $375k.
The House in the Clouds. I took this photo from half way up the driveway and held the camera straight.
Its pretty darn steep!!
Myself and Kasey, who hates having photos taken!
So why have we named her The House in the Clouds?? Because we were silly enough to not call her The House Above the Clouds. When there is fog, which is quite often - most mornings, its pretty rare for us to be IN the fog, we are usually above it. Some mornings we've woken up to a sea of white fluff. And its been cold up here, the wind gets icy too but we have now warmed up. The nights now are usually about 5 degrees and the days are getting up to almost 20 degrees. One particular week, or a few weeks....we had the usual -3, -5 nights/mornings and up to 10 degrees during the day. I would wash up in cold water because it was warmer than the air and hot water was far too hot! Blistering!!
So as I sit here watching some show, I think about my lab reports for uni on psychological phenomena's, think of what to write here and while pondering the thoughts of having another cuppa I'm looking out the window and see a great big massive country town on the horizon glowing with her lights. I'm using the internet via mobile because we cannt get broadband and satellite is a possible option but right now I do not care, what we have works and that is fine. We are truly blessed to live here in the clouds, on top of a hill with a view noone would tire of.
Its been almost 3 months since we moved to sunny QLD. Its so good living in an ear with Skype, facebook, mobile phones.....you little ripper!! I can still talk face-to-face, its just 1200km apart!! My biggest heartache though has been friends. I went to a lady's house for dinner with about 18 other women. I had been invited by a lady from the church we had gone to on the previous Sunday. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I was the 'new kid', conversations didnt go past an introduction and the basic family run down, where we moved from, why the big move......the typical stuff. I met some lovely people. But as soon as I got home the anxiety kicked in and I started to fall apart - the shallow breathing, racing heart, sweaty hands, jittery, couldn't shut my brain off, I was teary and really felt like crap. I did the next day too and a little the day after that and gradually the rest of the week got a bit better each day. Ive caught up with another Ali, a friend who moved up here a few years ago so its nice knowing she's 30min away. And Jen, who is a family friend. Same age, 4 kids, done psychology. We get along. Same parenting style, same boundaries, expectations, trials and tribulations yet 2 very different upbringings. Its nice being able to talk to someone who knows your more than the introduction crap!!
This arvo I had a ripper of an anxiety attack for no reason at all, it just came and grabbed me like a heart attack. Since moving up here Ive had them more often and more severe than before the move, which is understandable and can totally understand the why behind it all and good ol' Laura just keeps on trudging along as she always does. Since its been cold my scars have begun to 'shine'....well, they've turned purple lol. I've got some on my fingers from picking at them so much, as soon as I get a sore I pick at it. Ive taped my fingers up on the odd occasion which has helped cos I pick at that instead. I think its just a fidgeting thing.
One thing I'm really struggling with is trying to find who I am up here. I REALLY miss my dreads, so much that I want to grow my hair long and get them again (not that I would - it would take about 3yrs or more to get my hair the right length). I don't feel lost but, I dunno, starting a whole new life is hard. I spent so much time talking to R about it and she warned me that this would happen - that i would have to find who I am, who I want people to know me as. It is good I guess, the people I meet don't know my baggage and that is kind of nice having that part of me they don't know.
Amy has been going to see one of the doctorate students at USQ about her hair pulling and anxiety. She really likes her. I don't want to go into it too much but we are trying new things to encourage development of new self soothing skills other than the hair pulling, thumb sucking and the little personality traits that really kick in when she is stressed out. Her psychologist is happy that I have brought her in though because its something that definitely needs dealing with now, not later. Childhood is such an important time to get things right, what she learns now at this age will either make her or break her in the years to come.
This week is the National Missing Persons Week. The lady who runs the AMPR (Australian Missing Persons Registry), Nicole, has done an amazing job at hi-liting all those people who are missing in our country. Ive spent so much time over the past 4 days reading through almost all of the cases she has shared on facebook this week. With every person who goes missing, at least 12 people are affected, from family, friends, colleagues etc. But it goes so much further than that too. Being apart of Nicole's group on fb has brought me heartache with one particular case lately, one I followed daily, one I prayed over, one that I was hoping for a good outcome. Sadly, like so many it didnt end well. So how about the people who follow these stories, the police involved, other rescue workers, the person who comes across a 'body'.What about the person who was the last one to have contact with that particular person and to find that they were.
So many people go missing for so many different reasons. What if I have come across someone who is 'missing'?? What if Ive come across someone and I was the last person to have contact with them?? What makes a person deliberately disappear and never return?? I know 2 yrs ago I really struggled with this and had to stop myself so many times from doing it.
Anyway, Ive procrastinated enough about having a shower and going to bed. Procrastination is an amazing thing!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
My heart had stopped beating.
My heart has sunk, it feels like there is a lump in my throat, I swear my heart has actually stopped for a few moments only to start beating again. Ive felt sick and Ive felt lost. Ive wondered and questioned what has happened in this past week. You see, last Tuesday night I was on facebook and saw that a friend from school hadn't returned home. He had left Sydney that morning, a few hours later he sent a message saying that he was an hour away from being home (which if you look at the map, he was about 6hrs). Snowy was a friend from school, from yr 4 - yr 10. It was a small school which meant a small class, everyone knew everyone. We may be 13yrs on in our lives since we were all together but when the time comes we band together like it was only yesturday we were at school.
Anyway, this isn't about details. This is about someone's life, his family, friends, old school mates, people who didnt know him or only knew who he was. Its about how a life that ended so tragically that noone suspected!! Its about a facebook page that had over 2400 followers, all supporting his family over Tuesday - Sunday. Some knew Snowy, some didn't. But one thing they all had in common was their eagerness to find him, to bring him home, to know that he was safe, to make aware his disappearance. With 1000's of kilometers between them, they posted on their walls links, new info, and anything else that could be passed on to others. And one thing all these wall posts had in common - 'pass it on' - the need to get his information out. When times get tough, us Aussie's come together, the racism, hate, religion, work, and anything else that stops people from getting along cease to exist for those short moments in time. Those who didnt know Snowy were passing the message on, people who knew Snowy were letting people know. Truckie's were being told which means the info was being passed along the UHF channels, journo's, radio stations - by people who wanted to bring a man home. Noone was giving up searching, noone was giving up on getting the message out there. Websites for travellers, mums n bubs, footy clubs and many more were getting the message out there that he had not returned home.
It's not my place to speculate on his relationship with his ex-wife, its not my place, but one thing I know is that their 2 children now have the rest of their lives without 'daddy' there.
So how does one come to the point in life where suicide is planned, becomes the only option and is carried out? How does one feel to know that this could have been intervened? How does one feel when they read that this disappearance is out of character and that there were no mental health issues?
What would go through your mind if you heard an old friend that you hadn't seen in 10yrs had suicided?? That noone suspected it?? That it was completely out of character?? Seriously - think about it - what is the first thing you think of?? Do you feel ashamed? Sad? Angry? Or do you feel like saying 'what a selfish thing to do'?
So to be found on his 30th birthday, imagine what his mother would be feeling? If you are not a mother, you probably wont understand the relationship that a mother has with her child - no matter of the childs age. Its a different relationship to a father/child relationship. She grew him in her womb, gave birth to him, fed him as a new born and nurtured him to become an independant human being. My heart bleeds for her loss. I cann't and will not ever imagine what they are feeling and thinking. But I do know the pain and agony that Snowy would have felt to get to such a point in time to end it. I dont know their side of the story but I can feel his. I relive it every time something like this happens.
And Im a female....Snowy, being a male, would have found it so much harder than I did to reach out, to get the help he needed. Its the male mentality that needs to be broken in this situation. Why is it that men feel like a poonce if they say they aren't coping? Why do they always have to be the 'strong ones'?
And in a country where there is more and more emphasis being put on the need to reach out and help someone with depression, things like this still happen. I just hope that the message is getting through to some people, that suicidal awareness is being made known.
Depression is a silent cancer - it eats at you, tries to kill you and eventually it can. You cannt just look at someone and say 'oh they have depression' like you can with someone who has crutches for a broken leg or a sling for a broken arm. But there are symptoms, slight hints in people's lives that there could be something going on that needs to be looked at by a professional. Its like cancer or something else that is internal - it radiates and, you get symptoms, you know something is wrong but you keep going on with your life thinking it will go away, but it doesn't, it gets worse, so bad that eventually there is nothing that can be done to help you.
But that is where depression and cancer differ - even at the very end of the line, someone who is only seconds away from suicide can be helped - their life can be turned around. Death can be held down and stopped. At any point in the cycle of depression can someone get help, it doesn't matter how depressed they are - there is help and there is hope. They may not feel it, think it or believe you but its true. You need to win their trust, just like I learnt to trust A & J. I didnt believe a word they said but I implicitly knew they knew what they were talking about and I trusted them.
So where do we go from here? How can friends support someone through such a week like this? How do we be real with each other how WE are feeling? Does such an event hit a raw spot that needs some vital attention? How do we move on in life while his family's and closest friends comes to a stand-still, to a place of isolation, loneliness, sadness and heartache? How do we learn from this? How do we ........ ???
Maybe instead of asking the why questions that go with such a tragic thing, we should ask ourselves the how?? How is this going to affect his family and friends? How can I support them? How can I get help? How can I offer help? How does someone get to the point of acting on suicide without anyone noticing something was wrong? How can I stop this from happening to myself, a family member, a friend, a stranger? How can I learn from this?
When I rushed out to Nath last night to tell him the news of Snows body being found, one thing he said was 'its such a waste of a life'. What does that mean? Is that suppose to mean that his life was a waste, or the rest of his life was wasted and his life should have been someone elses?? What does one mean when they say that?? I dont understand. A part of me wants to say 'no, its not a waste of a life'. His life had meaning, it had a purpose and just because it ended just shy of his 30th birthday doesn't mean that it was wasted. Or does it?
During the past week Ive visited the missing persons website (Australian) and also the missing persons register. There are so many people who have just 'vanished'. Reading the background of so many of the missing persons really hit home that anyone we know can just all of a sudden not be here anymore. I wonder just how many 'missing persons' we have in our lives. Surely we've come across someone who is declared missing and we just dont know about it. So from this moment on I intend to be more aware of those who are declared missing and be 'on the lookout' for anyone that looks familiar from the profile pictures. Its not much, only 10 minutes a week it will take, just to read through some of the stories and really look at the pictures. And you know what, as I did this yesturday some of the faces were actually familiar but I just cannt pin it on a particular thing. Some are familiar because tv shows and missing person posters etc, but some just seem a little too familiar and if I think of where these people have come from then I will follow up on it. Maybe more of us should be doing this too.
So as I sit here trying to rid the pain in my heart, the constant thoughts of the past week, I realise just how lucky I am. Lucky because I have survived the hell that suicide can give. I fought it so many times. I feel lucky because I can still look at my children's father. I sit here in the dark trying to think of what to write and the words I have written I question. Im trying to 'get on with life' so that I can study for my exams next week.
I dont know how to end this post. Do I say 'hooroo'?? I like hooroo but its not appropriate for this one. So Ill say this: Offer you heart and let the lost find their way back home. To help means to love and trust will bring peace. Hold close those who are near to your heart and never let a moment go by where you are truly in awe of the people in your lives. Never let a day go by where wrongs aren't forgiven and relationships aren't healed. Never go to bed with an angry heart. Ill leave it there.....
During the past week Ive visited the missing persons website (Australian) and also the missing persons register. There are so many people who have just 'vanished'. Reading the background of so many of the missing persons really hit home that anyone we know can just all of a sudden not be here anymore. I wonder just how many 'missing persons' we have in our lives. Surely we've come across someone who is declared missing and we just dont know about it. So from this moment on I intend to be more aware of those who are declared missing and be 'on the lookout' for anyone that looks familiar from the profile pictures. Its not much, only 10 minutes a week it will take, just to read through some of the stories and really look at the pictures. And you know what, as I did this yesturday some of the faces were actually familiar but I just cannt pin it on a particular thing. Some are familiar because tv shows and missing person posters etc, but some just seem a little too familiar and if I think of where these people have come from then I will follow up on it. Maybe more of us should be doing this too.
So as I sit here trying to rid the pain in my heart, the constant thoughts of the past week, I realise just how lucky I am. Lucky because I have survived the hell that suicide can give. I fought it so many times. I feel lucky because I can still look at my children's father. I sit here in the dark trying to think of what to write and the words I have written I question. Im trying to 'get on with life' so that I can study for my exams next week.
I dont know how to end this post. Do I say 'hooroo'?? I like hooroo but its not appropriate for this one. So Ill say this: Offer you heart and let the lost find their way back home. To help means to love and trust will bring peace. Hold close those who are near to your heart and never let a moment go by where you are truly in awe of the people in your lives. Never let a day go by where wrongs aren't forgiven and relationships aren't healed. Never go to bed with an angry heart. Ill leave it there.....
Saturday, June 4, 2011
June 2011
So we've made the move to Toowoomba, been here 2 weeks and 1 day. Well, to be exact, we're living in Meringandan which is NW of 'woomba and has a pub (which is brilliant of course!), a butcher and a real estate agent lol. The school now has 192 students thanks to Kasey and Amy.
All the usual things have happened - the girls started school and have settled in really well, Naths applied for a stack of jobs and got 2 and has now decided on which one he will take - Oakey Abattoir which is about 20min from here, employs 800 odd people and supplies the japanese market and also Coles supermarkets.
We've bought a Navman, now officially named 'Deidre'. Thank goodness we have Deirdre, Toowoomba is friggin' huge!! It has 3 main hwys running through it and a stack of 'main streets', not like Nowra which has 1!!
Living with so many people has its moments but is mostly good. Getting the kids ready in the morning is hectic - Katherine (my sister inlaw) and I have a 'production line' system, its quite funny to watch...actually, anything to do with the kids needs a production line process. The kids get along really well - except for this very minute.....they are playing hide n seek and Amy is getting a little whingey!!
As for me, Im doing ok really. I have all the skills I need to cope because of what R has taught me. I came here knowing that it would sink in at around the 2-3wk mark that this would be home and that I wouldn't be heading back (nowra) home anytime soon, that this would NOT be a holiday. So yesturday was a ripper of a crap day!!
All the typical depression symptoms had gradually built over a few days - the anxiety mostly but also the motivation. The need for my own space, my own home, my own bed, my own time to do stuff.....atleast I have my own undies :)
But yesturday really sucked, I wasn't talkative, unmotivated, tired, drained, I just wanted to curl up and not deal with life for the day - actually, I felt like that all week lol.
But today I feel ok, I always do that...especially when my depression was bad bad....like 18mths ago. It would build up for days and days, then hit real bad for a few days then I'd come good.....its just that now the bad days aren't anywhere near as bad or as long.......
anyway, Naths back with the firewood....
hooroo :)
All the usual things have happened - the girls started school and have settled in really well, Naths applied for a stack of jobs and got 2 and has now decided on which one he will take - Oakey Abattoir which is about 20min from here, employs 800 odd people and supplies the japanese market and also Coles supermarkets.
We've bought a Navman, now officially named 'Deidre'. Thank goodness we have Deirdre, Toowoomba is friggin' huge!! It has 3 main hwys running through it and a stack of 'main streets', not like Nowra which has 1!!
Living with so many people has its moments but is mostly good. Getting the kids ready in the morning is hectic - Katherine (my sister inlaw) and I have a 'production line' system, its quite funny to watch...actually, anything to do with the kids needs a production line process. The kids get along really well - except for this very minute.....they are playing hide n seek and Amy is getting a little whingey!!
As for me, Im doing ok really. I have all the skills I need to cope because of what R has taught me. I came here knowing that it would sink in at around the 2-3wk mark that this would be home and that I wouldn't be heading back (nowra) home anytime soon, that this would NOT be a holiday. So yesturday was a ripper of a crap day!!
All the typical depression symptoms had gradually built over a few days - the anxiety mostly but also the motivation. The need for my own space, my own home, my own bed, my own time to do stuff.....atleast I have my own undies :)
But yesturday really sucked, I wasn't talkative, unmotivated, tired, drained, I just wanted to curl up and not deal with life for the day - actually, I felt like that all week lol.
But today I feel ok, I always do that...especially when my depression was bad bad....like 18mths ago. It would build up for days and days, then hit real bad for a few days then I'd come good.....its just that now the bad days aren't anywhere near as bad or as long.......
anyway, Naths back with the firewood....
hooroo :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
May 2011 part 2
So there was a suicide in North nowra last night. He was a father of 2. But what would bring this man to do such a thing? How did things become so hard that he had to hang himself in the garage? Did his family know of his inner termoil? There are so many questions that I dont have the answer for, maybe his family cannt even answer these.
So what is your immediate thought of someone who suicides? Does your heart instantly sink? Do you think that they were weak doing such an horrendous act? Or do you think they weren't weak but something else? How does it make you feel knowing that someone took their own life? Does it challenge you to reassess yourself, your life, your problems?
So many people out there in this world will never know or experience the pain of someone suiciding. And even though this is a blessing, they are lacking so much in experience, in knowledge, in life! To have a new understanding of life, a new perspective on emotions, mental health and how life isn't really all that rosey is something that suicide brings to those left behind, as well as heart ache.
So is suicide selfish? How does it affect the ambulance officers? The police? The neighbours? What makes me so angry is when people dont listen to your story, your fight for survival. I didnt want to suicide yet I had to fight my body SO HARD not to. When you are in such deep dark horrendous depression you lose the concept of reality even though you think you've still got it. You lose insight. You lose good feelings. You feel anger, like death warmed up, worthless, like shit! You have no motivation, you cannt eat, you struggle with a simple task of cleaning your teeth, having a shower, changing your clothes. It became so hard for me to fight suicide that it wore me out so much that I just didnt have the energy to do it. I couldn't be stuffed!! Suicide required energy and I didnt have it. I didnt want to but .... I dunno, its hard to explain.
In the eyes of the people left behind, suicide can be seen as selfish, as the easy way out. They are the ones left to deal with the kids without a father or mother, they have to live with unanswered questions, why why why why why????????? Its the easy way out - but there are so many options. Is there?? When you are that depressed and overridden with the black dog...there is no other option. The option of waking up again and having the black dog at your heels, snapping, biting your energy out of you...thats not an option anymore. At some point you say 'enough is enough', 'Ive been strong enough for too long'.
Ive been strong enough for too long - have you ever thought of that? That someone who has suicided has been too strong for too long, that they cannt be the strong one anymore? I hope you do!
Its a fight, an inner fight with your deepest and darkest emotions. To fight takes everything you have and more. To die is gain!
To those of you out there living with depression, anxiety, BPD, chronic fatigue, PTSD and every other non visual illness, you dont need to be strong but you need to be real. Why be strong when you feel like its going to break you? You think people wont understand? Yeah, some wont but guess what - they can go jump for all I care cos the majority of people out there are compassionate and prefer real people. Fakeness sucks yet at the same time...being fake some days just to get through is ok!! If being fake helps get you through the day, then that is awesome, but be real at the same time.
So what is your immediate thought of someone who suicides? Does your heart instantly sink? Do you think that they were weak doing such an horrendous act? Or do you think they weren't weak but something else? How does it make you feel knowing that someone took their own life? Does it challenge you to reassess yourself, your life, your problems?
So many people out there in this world will never know or experience the pain of someone suiciding. And even though this is a blessing, they are lacking so much in experience, in knowledge, in life! To have a new understanding of life, a new perspective on emotions, mental health and how life isn't really all that rosey is something that suicide brings to those left behind, as well as heart ache.
So is suicide selfish? How does it affect the ambulance officers? The police? The neighbours? What makes me so angry is when people dont listen to your story, your fight for survival. I didnt want to suicide yet I had to fight my body SO HARD not to. When you are in such deep dark horrendous depression you lose the concept of reality even though you think you've still got it. You lose insight. You lose good feelings. You feel anger, like death warmed up, worthless, like shit! You have no motivation, you cannt eat, you struggle with a simple task of cleaning your teeth, having a shower, changing your clothes. It became so hard for me to fight suicide that it wore me out so much that I just didnt have the energy to do it. I couldn't be stuffed!! Suicide required energy and I didnt have it. I didnt want to but .... I dunno, its hard to explain.
In the eyes of the people left behind, suicide can be seen as selfish, as the easy way out. They are the ones left to deal with the kids without a father or mother, they have to live with unanswered questions, why why why why why????????? Its the easy way out - but there are so many options. Is there?? When you are that depressed and overridden with the black dog...there is no other option. The option of waking up again and having the black dog at your heels, snapping, biting your energy out of you...thats not an option anymore. At some point you say 'enough is enough', 'Ive been strong enough for too long'.
Ive been strong enough for too long - have you ever thought of that? That someone who has suicided has been too strong for too long, that they cannt be the strong one anymore? I hope you do!
Its a fight, an inner fight with your deepest and darkest emotions. To fight takes everything you have and more. To die is gain!
To those of you out there living with depression, anxiety, BPD, chronic fatigue, PTSD and every other non visual illness, you dont need to be strong but you need to be real. Why be strong when you feel like its going to break you? You think people wont understand? Yeah, some wont but guess what - they can go jump for all I care cos the majority of people out there are compassionate and prefer real people. Fakeness sucks yet at the same time...being fake some days just to get through is ok!! If being fake helps get you through the day, then that is awesome, but be real at the same time.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
May 2011
Oh what a month or so its been!! Our house has sold and we are pretty much all packed ot move to Toowoomba QLD this week. There are so many things Im going to miss but I dont think its going to hit me until a few weeks into being up there. Apart from family and Trina (who is like my bestest friend....she is my rock!!) there are things like:
Country music radio channel
Nick Reinberger on abc radio
The girls at Gloria Jeans who know what I order and tell me when Im walking in if Im not going to be able to get a chai latte.
Robyn, the check-out chick, from coles who knows my name and my kids names.
Getting Maja out of the shower on Fridays after the school drop off.
Walking down to Trina's in my pj's and making myself a cuppa.
The girls at IMB.
Our next door neighbours, Jim & Yvonne.
Driving out to Cambie along the mad-mile and checking out whats going on at the sale yards, seeing if Mr Taylors plane is in the hanger.
Driving over Good Dog Creek and seeing the tree that was uprooted in the 1988/9 flood that is still growing strong!
Driving past Jaspers paddock (the horse I use to ride as a kid. Nath bought me a professional photo of his paddock a few yrs back...!)
There are so many little things that Im constantly thinking of that Ill miss. I reckon Ill think of more once I press the 'post' button in a while.
My emotions have been all over the place lately. Im mostly excited about moving but missing my family will hit me in a few weeks once we've been up there for a bit. Wondering if my grandmother will be ok in the nursing home, and if the kids will ever see her again - or me, wondering who will mow Bill's lawn (my grandfather)...or who will eat lollies out of his lolly jar that has the kids names on it. I wonder what it will be like at mum and dads on Saturdays now that we wont be there anymore. Will the kids remember everyone when we come back for holidays??
Then theres the things like finding a solicitor, accountant, vets, pet shop, doctors and dentists...the list goes on...and a bank...ok, a building society...I dont do the big banks...they would have to pay me to walk into their buildings lol.
But lately, ive been going to church on a regular basis, its great and I feel so accepted, not judged, safe, relaxed and welcomed. Ive had my moments where I just dont want to go, cannt be stuffed going and just get lazy, but the church ive started going to has been a real wake up call. With being soooo suicidal and having severe depression I seriously hated God with a passion, I was angry....why would the Bible say he is with us always when the times where you needed him most he wasn't there? I would constantly think of that footprints story but that wouldn't help, I'd just get more angry. But going to this church has softened my heart, broken down that brick wall and resentment and I have started to accept things that I just couldn't get passed before. Even now I struggle with the reality that God is out there but studying biology at uni makes me remember just how amazing our bodies are and that is a reminder in itself. I dont need anything else - just a chapter of my bio textbook and Im back into thinking its ok. I haven't read my Bible (yes I have one....somewhere!) in over 5yrs...even at bible study I wouldn't take it. But now, its different. Just because I cannt 'feel' that he's there doesn't mean he's not. It just means that I have a long way to go and that my depression is still deep - with depression you lose all concept of what is good, God is good and therefore I cannt feel that goodness. I just 'know' he's there. Im not huge on telling people Im a christian....I find that most people ive come across are really put off by it, that they become closed to you like they are scared you are going to 'bible bash' them. And at the same time, I want them to know....
Anyway.....I need a cuppa, want one?? Ill go put the billy on!
Ive also cut my dreads off!!!! Why??? I dunno, maybe its like another part of me is ready to start a new chapter in my life and starting all over again. But Ive still dyed my hair black...I almost went a reddy brown colour but maybe next time. I feel different, but the same. Nath loves it, he hated cuddling me and feeling my 'toilet brush' hair. I miss them, they were my way of saying 'Im different'. Everyone thinks i look great with short hair but I feel like I look like a typical mum lol. Not that that is a bad thing, but I hate the 'typical' look. People saw me with dreads and knew I had a story to tell. Now, Im just normal.
Ive been fairly stressed too with the moving thing, dealing with my family's reaction to it, friends reactions....and my own feelings and thoughts. ive had a fair few moments lately that have stressed me out like driving over the bridge where I think of driving off - or the memory of it and that feeling comes rushing back of what I felt back then. Normally it wouldn't bother me but lately it has - I saw Ruth the other day and she said its cos my emotions are stretched at the moment and its becoming easier to feel those emotions. But Im ok, dont worry!! Its just bothered me more than usual.
Anyway, I have a bubble bath ready for me. Time to relax.....Nath leaves for QLD in the morning and he will be home in 25min from his last ever shift at work :)
Ill write more another time when I dont feel so tired, maybe when I feel like I can express my thoughts and feelings a little easier......
Country music radio channel
Nick Reinberger on abc radio
The girls at Gloria Jeans who know what I order and tell me when Im walking in if Im not going to be able to get a chai latte.
Robyn, the check-out chick, from coles who knows my name and my kids names.
Getting Maja out of the shower on Fridays after the school drop off.
Walking down to Trina's in my pj's and making myself a cuppa.
The girls at IMB.
Our next door neighbours, Jim & Yvonne.
Driving out to Cambie along the mad-mile and checking out whats going on at the sale yards, seeing if Mr Taylors plane is in the hanger.
Driving over Good Dog Creek and seeing the tree that was uprooted in the 1988/9 flood that is still growing strong!
Driving past Jaspers paddock (the horse I use to ride as a kid. Nath bought me a professional photo of his paddock a few yrs back...!)
There are so many little things that Im constantly thinking of that Ill miss. I reckon Ill think of more once I press the 'post' button in a while.
My emotions have been all over the place lately. Im mostly excited about moving but missing my family will hit me in a few weeks once we've been up there for a bit. Wondering if my grandmother will be ok in the nursing home, and if the kids will ever see her again - or me, wondering who will mow Bill's lawn (my grandfather)...or who will eat lollies out of his lolly jar that has the kids names on it. I wonder what it will be like at mum and dads on Saturdays now that we wont be there anymore. Will the kids remember everyone when we come back for holidays??
Then theres the things like finding a solicitor, accountant, vets, pet shop, doctors and dentists...the list goes on...and a bank...ok, a building society...I dont do the big banks...they would have to pay me to walk into their buildings lol.
But lately, ive been going to church on a regular basis, its great and I feel so accepted, not judged, safe, relaxed and welcomed. Ive had my moments where I just dont want to go, cannt be stuffed going and just get lazy, but the church ive started going to has been a real wake up call. With being soooo suicidal and having severe depression I seriously hated God with a passion, I was angry....why would the Bible say he is with us always when the times where you needed him most he wasn't there? I would constantly think of that footprints story but that wouldn't help, I'd just get more angry. But going to this church has softened my heart, broken down that brick wall and resentment and I have started to accept things that I just couldn't get passed before. Even now I struggle with the reality that God is out there but studying biology at uni makes me remember just how amazing our bodies are and that is a reminder in itself. I dont need anything else - just a chapter of my bio textbook and Im back into thinking its ok. I haven't read my Bible (yes I have one....somewhere!) in over 5yrs...even at bible study I wouldn't take it. But now, its different. Just because I cannt 'feel' that he's there doesn't mean he's not. It just means that I have a long way to go and that my depression is still deep - with depression you lose all concept of what is good, God is good and therefore I cannt feel that goodness. I just 'know' he's there. Im not huge on telling people Im a christian....I find that most people ive come across are really put off by it, that they become closed to you like they are scared you are going to 'bible bash' them. And at the same time, I want them to know....
When little Chloe Abbott died in January, it was an even more of a wake up call. How dare I want to die when she fought so hard to live. Seeing Grant and Olly’s response to her death was even more of a wake up call. They were so amazingly strong (and Im sure they have their moments) and they were trusting in God so easily....geez, I would be curled up in a ball hiding in my room in an absolute mess screaming all sorts of colourful words at God. Even though He doesn’t seem real at the best of times, all I need to do is look at how our bodies are designed and I know he’s real. I struggle with handing everything over to God when it comes to me, like I cant let go of the controls, but when it comes to the house being up for sale – no worries with handing that over to God, no worries at all. I have spent my entire life coming and going from God and I wonder how long he will put up with that before he says, ‘enough is enough’. So when I look back to that Thursday afternoon in Aug ‘09 when I was heading to the doctors and about to drive off the bridge, when I was driving home again only 40 min later and almost driving off the bridge again, then that night when I was fighting so hard not to put that knife through my heart – he was with me, whether I felt it or not. I know he put Bridie in the car with me that day, that he made sure it was her face that I saw in the rear vision mirror as I checked to see if a car was coming up behind me so I didn’t hit them when I turned the steering wheel. I know he put my friend A in Melbourne on facebook that night so that I would be safe – that he put my friend Joh on facebook at the same time so that, even though we were all 1000km apart – I could be safe and action could be taken about my state of mind and that even though they had never met they could organise a plan of action. I know that God gave us Bridie (who was a week short of 6mths old at the time) so that I would live.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I just hope that if I ever relapse again that I will be able to remind myself of all these realities.
Anyway.....I need a cuppa, want one?? Ill go put the billy on!
Ive also cut my dreads off!!!! Why??? I dunno, maybe its like another part of me is ready to start a new chapter in my life and starting all over again. But Ive still dyed my hair black...I almost went a reddy brown colour but maybe next time. I feel different, but the same. Nath loves it, he hated cuddling me and feeling my 'toilet brush' hair. I miss them, they were my way of saying 'Im different'. Everyone thinks i look great with short hair but I feel like I look like a typical mum lol. Not that that is a bad thing, but I hate the 'typical' look. People saw me with dreads and knew I had a story to tell. Now, Im just normal.
Ive been fairly stressed too with the moving thing, dealing with my family's reaction to it, friends reactions....and my own feelings and thoughts. ive had a fair few moments lately that have stressed me out like driving over the bridge where I think of driving off - or the memory of it and that feeling comes rushing back of what I felt back then. Normally it wouldn't bother me but lately it has - I saw Ruth the other day and she said its cos my emotions are stretched at the moment and its becoming easier to feel those emotions. But Im ok, dont worry!! Its just bothered me more than usual.
Anyway, I have a bubble bath ready for me. Time to relax.....Nath leaves for QLD in the morning and he will be home in 25min from his last ever shift at work :)
Ill write more another time when I dont feel so tired, maybe when I feel like I can express my thoughts and feelings a little easier......
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A midnight chat on the radio
Well, for some reason I couldn't go to sleep tonight. As I laid in bed I listened to the ABC radio as usual with Tony Delroy. Tonights topic was mental health and psychiatric issues. So many people were ringing in and talking of how they had struggled to get family members assessed and admitted, and so many of them had been told to go away, one man was even admitted himself after calling the crisis team to assess his psycho-depressive mother because the staff thought that he was the delusional one, not his mother - purely because background checks weren't done. Another man was charged with assult or whatever after he had called the police when his son was trying to murder him during the night, all because his son had injured himself when he went to get another knife to stab his father.
So I rung. I had to say my bit. I talked about the issues of being re-admitted after being discharged, how your story has to be retold for every staff member you come across, how even when you are reentering the system through the same emergency ward as before, your history is not looked at - that you are assessed as you are at that time. And then, after telling your story to the triage nurse, the case worker who comes to see you, the doctor on duty who comes to do your obs and then the psyc registrar, you are then assessed, told to wait until there is a bed available and if one is not available you are told to go home and seek help via that route.
No matter what area you turn to, if humans are involved, there are going to be mistakes, problems and is never going to be fail-proof. So what needs to happen to fix what is there already?? I dunno! Lots....start with how you are admitted for a start - having to go through the emergency department is a joke! When I was suicidal and had to wait in the waiting room for a while (until a waiting room became available) was so horrible. I could have easily walked out without anyone noticing and even though its not the case, you feel like you have 'Im suicidal / Im a mental case' written all over your face, you are socially phobic, you go from heights of hyper to the lows of hypo where you are back to your suicidal state.
There are never enough beds available. There will never be enough beds available. But one thing that needs to happen is those patients who are STILL in mental wards who are not being discharged because family will not take responsibility for them are clogging the system. Where have all those support places gone for these people - who are over 18 and need consistent monitoring because of their mental health issues???? In the Shoalhaven there is NO specific mental health ward WHATSOEVER! NONE!!!! And how many people live in the Shoalhaven?? 83,000 and that was 10 years ago. The closest mental health wards are in Wollongong - Shellharbour which has 3 (Mirrabook, Eloura East and Eloura West) and then Wollongong Hospital. Each have from what I can assume is approx 20 beds each....so say that they do have 20 beds each...thats a total of 80 beds to cover the 83,000 people in the shoalhaven and the 293,000 in the Illawarra. So add that up.... 376,000 and 80 beds = 4700 people PER BED!!!!! These are excerps taken from the Illawarra Mental Health Forum:
Psychiatrists –The Illawarra and Shoalhaven have a serious shortage of
psychiatrists similar to the rest of regional Australia.
Hospitals – There are lengthy waiting times in Emergency Departments,
inconsistency in care, and a lack of follow-up care when people are discharged.
Community Mental Health Team – This crisis service operates only in weekday
business hours. After hours people use Emergency hospital services or in crises
have the intervention of police.
There is a lack of support services and infrastructure for people
living in the community with mental health issues. Carers report that their voice is not heard in designing treatment nor in improving the mental health care system. Many people with mental illness and their carers are simply falling through the system, the most vulnerable ending up in jail or living on the streets and too often the police are involved in the management of mental health care issues.
In saying all this though, the Shoalhaven is going to be one of the recipients of a new Headspace Centre which provide mental health and wellbeing support, information and services to young people and their families. The centres are able to help with general health, mental health, drug and alcohol use, education and employment.
So what can we do in the meantime?? Support those out there that you know have a mental illness, if you know someone who you THINK may be in this category - talk to someone at the local community health centre. And IF you need to, call the police - they can take that person to emergency and the process can happen a lot quicker than it can if you 'walk in'.
Recognise the signs of someone who is not taking medication, or who is having a relapse.
And in saying this - we also cannot be responsible for someone elses decisions - something I was told by a psychiatrist.
nighty nighty!!
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