A midnight chat on the radio

Well, for some reason I couldn't go to sleep tonight. As I laid in bed I listened to the ABC radio as usual with Tony Delroy. Tonights topic was mental health and psychiatric issues. So many people were ringing in and talking of how they had struggled to get family members assessed and admitted, and so many of them had been told to go away, one man was even admitted himself after calling the crisis team to assess his psycho-depressive mother because the staff thought that he was the delusional one, not his mother - purely because background checks weren't done. Another man was charged with assult or whatever after he had called the police when his son was trying to murder him during the night, all because his son had injured himself when he went to get another knife to stab his father.

So I rung. I had to say my bit. I talked about the issues of being re-admitted after being discharged, how your story has to be retold for every staff member you come across, how even when you are reentering the system through the same emergency ward as before, your history is not looked at - that you are assessed as you are at that time. And then, after telling your story to the triage nurse, the case worker who comes to see you, the doctor on duty who comes to do your obs and then the psyc registrar, you are then assessed, told to wait until there is a bed available and if one is not available you are told to go home and seek help via that route.

No matter what area you turn to, if humans are involved, there are going to be mistakes, problems and is never going to be fail-proof. So what needs to happen to fix what is there already?? I dunno! Lots....start with how you are admitted for a start - having to go through the emergency department is a joke! When I was suicidal and had to wait in the waiting room for a while (until a waiting room became available) was so horrible. I could have easily walked out without anyone noticing and even though its not the case, you feel like you have 'Im suicidal / Im a mental case' written all over your face, you are socially phobic, you go from heights of hyper to the lows of hypo where you are back to your suicidal state. 

There are never enough beds available. There will never be enough beds available. But one thing that needs to happen is those patients who are STILL in mental wards who are not being discharged because family will not take responsibility for them are clogging the system. Where have all those support places gone for these people - who are over 18 and need consistent monitoring because of their mental health issues???? In the Shoalhaven there is NO specific mental health ward WHATSOEVER! NONE!!!! And how many people live in the Shoalhaven?? 83,000 and that was 10 years ago. The closest mental health wards are in Wollongong - Shellharbour which has 3 (Mirrabook, Eloura East and Eloura West) and then Wollongong Hospital. Each have from what I can assume is approx 20 beds each....so say that they do have 20 beds each...thats a total of 80 beds to cover the 83,000 people in the shoalhaven and the 293,000 in the Illawarra. So add that up.... 376,000 and 80 beds = 4700 people PER BED!!!!! 

A Mental Health Clinical Nurse Consultant is available for mental health Assessments during business hours at the Shoalhaven Hospital Emergency Department. But what happens if you go in after hours?? YOU HAVE NOONE...they may as well say to you 'oh how inappropriate of you to become suicidal at such an hour'. Go Figure!!
These are excerps taken from the Illawarra Mental Health Forum:

Psychiatrists –The Illawarra and Shoalhaven have a serious shortage of
psychiatrists similar to the rest of regional Australia.
 
Hospitals – There are lengthy waiting times in Emergency Departments,
inconsistency in care, and a lack of follow-up care when people are discharged.
 
Community Mental Health Team – This crisis service operates only in weekday
business hours. After hours people use Emergency hospital services or in crises
have the intervention of police. 

There is a lack of support services and infrastructure for people
living in the community with mental health issues. Carers report that their voice is not heard in designing treatment nor in improving the mental health care system. Many people with mental illness and their carers are simply falling through the system, the most vulnerable ending up in jail or living on the streets and too often the police are involved in the management of mental health care issues.

In saying all this though, the Shoalhaven is going to be one of the recipients of a new Headspace Centre which provide mental health and wellbeing support, information and services to young people and their families. The centres are able to help with general health, mental health, drug and alcohol use, education and employment. 


So what can we do in the meantime?? Support those out there that you know have a mental illness, if you know someone who you THINK may be in this category - talk to someone at the local community health centre. And IF you need to, call the police - they can take that person to emergency and the process can happen a lot quicker than it can if you 'walk in'.


Recognise the signs of someone who is not taking medication, or who is having a relapse.


And in saying this - we also cannot be responsible for someone elses decisions - something I was told by a psychiatrist.


nighty nighty!!

My journals from yr9....

So I thought that before they got packed away for who knows how long that I would add some of my journals from a long time ago. Most of them have been destroyed but I have saved a couple of them. I use to write them to Sara....the name I had picked out for my daughter, but that hasn't happened lol.

Tueday 12th March 1996

Dear Sara, this morning when Brooke and I went for a walk , we were just about near the shop to g on Rouse Ave and this guy who was heading to work hit a dog. Charles come out and went right off at the guy. Ros H was just where we were walking too, she didnt really know what had happened but said she would ring the police. The dog is ok. We thought it actually got run over but it got hit. The poor dog was in pain though. It was Charles' dog (Charles use to own the shop in Cambewarra and use to cook the best hot chips for $2!!).
Nothing fab happened today, in P.E we played this game like cricket but we had 17 minutes for each team to get as many runs as we could. We won 75-74!!
Training was good. Cannt wait til the competition this weekend.
Gran came down just before I went to training.

Wednesday 13th March
Dear Sara, Brooke and I didnt go for a walk today. School was ok again. We talked about the excersion for a while and then we started a new topic - bushrangers.
Piano was excellent. We fixed up 'Man From Snowy River'. On the bus, jess had this absolutely thick book full of classical pieces, it even had 7th grade pieces in it so she is going  to photocopy some for me.

Friday 15th march
Dear Sara, this is how my day went:
Science
Art
recess
Listening to this guy in assembly on how to understand your teenager
lunch
sport - bowling - got 2 strikes!!
We all went to Di's and looked at the results from Sunday. The fastest runner ran 5km in 13min, He must have cheated! They came 5th out of 500 or more!!
I just cut mt thick stockings for training to make them a whole boot stocking.

Saturday 16th March (hot and stormy)
Dear Sara, Steven went skating today. Kaylee liked my thick stockings too. I had an orange juice and a chocolate sundae for lunch.
All my axels on my skates are broken. Bruno told me to leave them here over night so he could fix them for tomorrow. Mum doesn't know they are borken.
Gary, Steven, Jay and Joel kept hanging around us all arvo. Gary kept telling me not to go psycho over my skates being broken. I got blisters from Bedelia's skates cos Bruno was putting in one of the axels for me.
I told Gary I had a black belt in karate and that mums got a yellow belt in judo (that part is true!). he told me that if I did do karate to show him something but I said that you only do something when you need to so he had my arm twisted and I kicked him in the shin with my skates hahaha.
Jay said he would come and watch tomorrow. Hope my skates feel the same.

Sunday 17th march
Dear Sara, I got up at 7am to get ready for the comp. I couldn't sleep last night.
Bruno has made my skates worse! They more wobbly and he's done them up so tight that noone can loosen them to do something to 'em. If Bruno tells me that I still have to pay $20 well he's not getting it. Id rather get a new plate (I need new ones anyway cos my skates are 12-13yrs old).
My figures were really wobbly cos of my skates. My routine was good but I didnt place. Steven and Gary were there for the presentation. I wasnt allowed to stay for the session. I watched the rest of the cricket from Thursday night then I watched 'The Silver Brumby'.

Monday 18th March
I told Kylie that I like Joel (my goodness me I had the biggest crush on him hey!!). I kinda like Jared too but I never get to see him, but I know he lives in Panania. You shoulda seen Kylies face. Shes going to ring Steven tonight to ask him out for me. Renee was talking to Cameron on the bus and I heard her say that 'Joel and his gf were there' (her older brother Sean was friends with that bunch of guys). Not sure if she was talking about my Joel or the joel from her school. Kylie said she will ring tonight,
Ive had a science test, It was ok.
Jess Beaver pierced her own nose. Musta hurt like crazy!
Wrote a 4 page letter to Martene too.

Tuesday 19th March
Dear Sara, still love Joel. We won cricket by 1 run!!
Nothing much happened at school.
I cannt wait to see Joel again on Saturday. Hope he's there.
Piano was good. 'My from Snowy River' is my best extra for the exam.

Ok, so I wrote in my diary every day about Joel, joel, Joel.....far out! I think I might skip a few hundred pages lol.

Saturday 23rd March
Dear Sara, only 4 days til our Sovereign Hill excersion including today!
i got that RipCurl shirt I wanted. It was $44.60.
Went skating, Kylies dad was putting the plates for her new skates. Gary kept calling me fat albert so I told him I was going to become anorexic and it would be his fault. He kept saying sorry after that and hugging me.
I did the routine that I made up on cardboard and it made me heaps thirsty so Gary got me a drink from the canteen. I was leaning over the counter and we almost kissed hey. He asked me why I was going to be anorexic and I said 'I dont know' I told Gary, who told Steven, who told Jay that I like Joel. Gary was heaps jealous and kept getting real close to me. Hes kinda hot hey. Kinda real hot and gives me heaps more attention than Joel.
Joel came! When kylie and I went to maccas I told Gary to tell Joel that I like him. Gary put his hands on my hands cos i was holding on to the rail. He was looking at me like he was thinking 'no way i want ya'.
At Mcdonalds I bought an orange juice and a chocolate sundae, my 2 fave things.
I ate half my undae cos it tasted gross and I had to go to the dunny, Gary asked me if I was going to go throw up cos hes heaps worried now and made Kylie follow me to make sure I was good. Kylie reckons he likes me. Gary asked Joel out for me but he said that he likes older girls and doesn't really know me.
When I was taking my skates off to leave Gary asked if I was going to give him a goodbye kiss! He asked if I was going to karate but I said I had to babysit.

So Im going to leave it there. Far out man....15yr old girls and their crushes on guys!!!!! I soooo remember all this happening too. Can still remember the look in Gary's eyes. Kinda glad I never got involved in that group too much. Jay was on heroin, Gary and Steven ended up big drug addicts, who knows what happened to Joel. Ive seen Gary around town since these days but not for a long time. he looked really messed up. Ive seen Sean too, he spent some time in Jail for stuff and looks slightly messed up too.

Maybe Ill try my next journal another time....or find another part of this journal that isn't so boy orientated, or maybe its all like this. Im not pre-reading before I type away....Im typing as I read it lol.

16th April 2011

I havent written much about depression or anything like that in ages, so I thought I'd better do something huh!
I cannt believe its been nearly 2yrs since my life turned upside down. I think back at when A and J would say to me that this would pass, that I would survive. I never believed them and even to this day I still hate hearing those words ' this too shall pass'. Am I passed it?? Yeah i think I am, I dont classify myself anymore as having depression. I classify myself as a healthy, non-depression sufferer who is still on her original medication. I have survived. Or am I still surviving? I dont have days anymore where I just want to curl up and not face the day in a depression kind of way, I do just out of pure tiredness though. Depression is something that will always be apart of me whether Im 'suffering' from it or not. But I will not let it define me nor will I ever let it own me. Like dr m said to me last week, Ive come a loooong way. Its funny though, because for sooooo long I would not let myself think or even believe that I would get passed it, I didnt want to get passed it because I was scared of being free from it. Looking back over my life, Ive had massive bouts of depression, just undiagnosed at the time. I was so scared because I wasn't sure what it was like to live without depression or a feeling of absolute self hatred. But even though I dont want depression to own me a part of me wants people to see me and think 'hey she's the one who had depression so bad that she was suicidal and ended up in hospital for 5wks because of it'. Weird or what hey??!! As much as I like people not knowing that part of me, I like it at the same time. I want people to know my story and tell me that they know it. I want people to tell me they are reading this, that they are telling others about my story. I want people to understand what its like to be so close to death without having to live through it.

Im moving to QLD this time next month, to a place where I know one person other than the inlaws (or outlaws as I sometimes call them lol ....!). My family wont be there - my mum, dad, my sister or my brother. I have become so close to my mum, dad and sister in the last 10 yrs or so....more so in the last (almost) 2yrs. Im going to miss seeing them every Saturday. I started the Saturday ritual just after Nath and I got married, Kasey was only 15mths old and each Saturday I would take her over to mum and dads, and although at first I think they were looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing on Saturday mornings, they now looove it and everyone looks forward to it. I look forward to it...its my day out. The kids love being at 'close nan and pops' and playing with Dessy and Belle (Chelsea and Chloe, my sisters 2 girls). Although we dont always see each other during the week, we are always there for each other when we need it. Having them close by is great. And even though Im excited about moving, Im also a 'little' sad that Im going - as anyone would be. I wont have them there to see, to have d&m's with (deep and meaningfuls), to debrief, to chat with, to 'take tea' with using mums china cups with her dajeeling teas. Im trying really hard to not be excited about moving in front of them because I know they are taking it really hard that we're gunna be moving so far away, that Ill be taking the grandkiddies away from them. My sister told me the other day that I should just move now instead of in a months time so that she doesn't get any more attached to our kids....that made me sad :(  I know they are hurting but Im hurting too, just in a different kind of way....

And my friends, my lovely Trina! We have become soooo close, her kids are like my kids, my kids are like her kids. I can walk down to her's in my pj's and walk in the back door, make myself a cuppa and sit in front of her fire before she is even out of bed. She can walk into our place and do the same. We can drop our kids off to each other without a minutes notice and know that it will be ok. Our kids play together so well. She makes sure she has some long life cows milk around and I always make sure Ive got soy milk (or soil milk if you ask our kids). I cook using dairy free butter, most times soy milk and make sure there are no nuts about when I know she is coming or the kids are coming up. When we had our bbq last weekend I made sure that people knew not to bring nuts so that she would be safe. I get annoyed when people forget...it will kill her!!
And Maja, who will I harrass to get out of the shower on Friday mornings after the school run?? I wont be able to rock up to her place unexpected and demand a coffee lol.

Im going to miss all my friends, they know who they are! But Trina and Maja the most I reckon! And Jenine, Megan....Christine, who Ive become quite close to. Thank goodness for facebook! Ive said it 1000 times but Ill say it again.....facebook is the best invention ever! Thanks Zuckerberg, you little champion!!

so who is going to look after my friends for me?? Who will I make friends with up there?? I tell ya what though...my future friends have high expectations to meet thats for sure lol. Noone will ever replace my friends, noone! Noone will get close to me like my friends here!!

And school teachers too....Ive known 2 of Kaseys 3 teachers prior to school. I wont have that luxury up there. And apart from that, bloody backwards queenslanders have a different school system....aaaagh!!!

I am soooo going to miss friends and especially family but that is life and this is what we have to do, and you know what....its just going to mean a knew way of communicating. Instead of rocking up to Maj's on Friday mornings Im just gunna have to get skype working and bombard her on that instead lol.

friends come and go. Some become closer and others drift apart a little, but that is life. We take so much for granted with people in our lives that when the time comes you look back and think 'wow, Ive got some awesome people in my life'.

There is so much on my list of things to do before I leave that may never happen but in reality....Im not going forever, I WILL be back, and boy are those times when I do come back going to be busy!!

And my grandfather, bill. Im going to miss him. He is my only grandfather (well, technically not, but I have nothing to do with the other one). I worry about his health and never get over to see him as much as I should and I now wish that I had, but I will do it even more over the next few weeks. Seeing kasey curled up on his lap this morning was precious as gold and neither of them wanted it to end (but thanks to Bridie being cranky it had to!).

I could dribble on forever but there is a mopoke owl in the tree in front of me and I think its time for a cuppa.

I love my friends and I love my family, I just hope they know just how much.

xoxoxox

Just a random thought

At what point in time do you say enough is enough?? Our house has sold - it only took 2wks, so we are in the process of getting ready to move interstate, Im studying psychology part time and our little Bridie girl is pushing my buttons. She doesnt speak yet apart from the odd word or 2 and she is constantly needing me - she HAS to sit on my lap to eat her brekky, her lunch, dinner, anything in between, if I say no and try to make her sit at the bench or table with the other 3 kids she spits the dummy big time. She pushes her bowl or plate away so that it will land on the floor, she cannt go to sleep unless Im there with her and getting her to do as she is told is so flaming hard. Mind you, she isn't like this ALL the time, she is happy and is content but gee, is she clingy!!

Ive always had our kids in daycare from when they were around 2 for 1-2 days a week purely for their benefit but she isn't in one yet cos we're moving. I take them to a few kids activities during the week - playdate and mainly music, where there focus is on her and Jonty, we spend time doing things during the day today - its not always about me doing things, although some days its just them following me cos of errands that need doing. She is independent and fiesty! Mind you, she has 3 older siblings to deal with and because she cannt tell them 'no' or 'give it back' or 'stop' or anything like that, she screams and comes chasing me to do it for her. She tries sooooooo hard to stand up to them and I dont want them to be on egg shells around her and do everything she wants them to do but that is just such an easy way out of it. Its like when its brekky time and having to sit on my lap. Its just easier to give in.....but when do I say enough is enough??? Mornings are hectic, trying to get the older 2 girls off to school and Jonty, who just doesn't want to do anything for himself like getting dressed or even getting his clothes out of his draw....Just doing what Bridie wants makes life just that little bit easier.

So tomorrow I want to wake up feeling like I love her still. I want to wake up knowing how to deal with her for another day. I want to wake up knowing that Im strong enough to cope.

It feels like depression is biting at my heels again in a big way. Moving, studying, parenting....enough is enough...! Im just soooo thankful that I dont 'work'. I would be a serious mess if I did have to go to work as well. How can I tell the black dog is trying to make a come back?? I feel shaky, nervous, like my meds aren't working, lethargic, tired and sleepy, not wanting to face the world. Im looking for my hole again. I want to climb in it, Maybe I need a 'gone fishing' day or 2 again.

Do I need to go see R again to sort my head out over this?? Maybe I do, maybe I dont but I do know that patience is required, love is required and knowing how much stress Im under at the moment is NOT helping Bridie. Its amazing how kids sense how you are coping. I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass, just like everything else. Easier said than do though hey. What matters most is that I keep telling her (and the others) that I love her, show her that I love her and just be there for her. She 'knows' what is going on and its putting her out of sorts, but its so easy to forget that when she wakes up in one of those moods.

A friend told me not to burn out. When is burning out?? Can I recognise it before it happens??

And guess what else sucks!!??!! (And every other mum out there in NSW, Vic and SA will understand this....) the end of day light savings sucks big time!!!!! It was bad enough having to get up at 7.30ish but now its like 6am and all the kids are up and rearing to go for the day. Makes for a long day huh!!

Its raining at the moment, its cold and Im looking for my bed.

I need motivation, I need love, I need patience and I need space. One day these things will come but in the mean time, its having to do what I have to do and that is love my kids and be here for them.

But Im ok, just tired and drained from a 2yr old that is on edge, who knows something is up and is struggling how to deal with life itself.

Ive been thinking too of not having a journal .... just this blog, I write everything on here anyway. Im trying to cut down the amount of paper that Im using, all my uni notes are on here now....no more folders full of printed material, no A4 paper....except for my biology unit....havent figured out how to draw cells using microsoft word yet lol.

I thought too that Id dig out my 2 journals that I have left from when I was a kid and put them on here. I had kept every single one if them til my sister and I had a great big fight when I was pregga's with Kasey, now I only have 2 left. Ive always had journals. Maybe I just need to have the computerised type now.

I have the bestest hubby ever I reckon. Ever since my collapse with depression and admission to hospital he has become so supportive, our relationship has changed for the better. He recognises what Im feel lately and can see it before I admit it. Even the other day when I got a ripper of a cut off the tuna can that was left in the sink he was worried that I had done it with a knife, same with the other 3 cuts Ive managed to get lately. And they were accidents...and only 1 was from a knife....I still look at knives like I use to but in a different way. Ive come along way from then.

Even my dreams lately have been a sequel to ones Ive had before. Quite a while ago I had a dream that my family and I had gone on a trip past a great big dried up lake, turned left and done this really long walk - like we were walking the Great Wall of China. I would be constantly stopping and Mum was encouraging me to keep going. Well last night it was that dream again except that we didnt turn left, we kept going straight ahead, I looked up to where we had gone in my previous dream and recognised it and felt like I didnt have to be pushed to keep going. We ended up in some tunnel where there were people selling things, kind of like a market, I kept stopping to look at things people were selling. We never made it out of the tunnel though cos the tunnel turned into a great big stable with horses, I was cleaning the tackle and there was a bit of a party going on. Up on the wall were pictures of my past and everyone was saying 'remember when that happened'. My dreams are constantly about journeys and travelling, Im almost always in a train, or dealing with an airport, sometimes its been a cruise ship around Sydney Harbour - but not a relaxing one, its constantly stressful. My dreams are weird - aren't they all!! I know Ive come along way .....

Anyway, I need sleep but first stop is a nice hot shower. I need to feel revived so that I can continue on for another day. Isn't life oh so monotenous!!