Hello 2yrs

Its 2yrs since I was admitted to hospital today. 2yrs since I was suicidal. 2yrs since reaching out and getting help. 2yrs since the real me came out. 2yrs since i met Ally. 2yrs since medication started. 2yrs.....and gee has that gone fast.

Im not going to go back and read my journals, not going to reflect on the past, not going to talk about it after this little stint, not going to give it another thought.

But I am going to continue to fight, continue to help others, continue to make it known the struggle of MDD, PTSD, BPD, FM, CFS and every other non-visual syndrome out there, continue on with life as I know it.

My motto in every day life for depression is that "I own it, it doesn't own me. I dont suffer from it, it lives with me, it will not bring me down to that place I was 2yrs ago".

I wish for so much in my life and only some of it can come true, but my next step in helping those with depression is looking at TRD (Treatment-Resistant Depression) and how neuroscience can help understand their way of thinking and processing so that their psychotherapy can be more beneficial.

I need to be humanised - coffee. My head feels like it is full of fog with a brick being pushed into my forehead. I have sat down and watched some telly - that felt good while it lasted. But alas, housework will not get done by itself (if only we could work that mystery out....we'd be millionaires!!). So as you go about your day, think of those around you who MAY be suseptible to depression and the like. Think about whether they are going on as if life is normal, yet hiding the deepest, most horrible desease inside them that is eating them away. Why is it that there is so much stigma on people getting help for depression, those who speak up about their feelings and thoughts yet those who are suffering in silence are the ones who are at most harm. Im not dissing those who are out getting help, but they are 'in the system' and can be followed up on.....its those who are suffering in silence, who feel they cannt open up that are in danger. How will you approach that 'taboo' topic?? How will you help them?? What can you do?? What would you do??

I compare Snowy to Mark Priestly (Dan from "All Saints"). Mark was open about his depression and suffering, the ups and downs of being good, then going through bad patches. Its been a few years since his suicide now. Then there's Snowy, who, from what I know, was not open about is agony, about what was killing him on the inside.....2 different events leading to suicidal action.....who is the one you look upon with more sadness?? Who needed more help??

Depression is so much like cancer....it eats at you, stops your body from working properly, you see the effects it has on a person and BOTH are treatable and BOTH can come back time and time again, but treatment is always there, help is always there, support is always there.

If you feel like your at the bottom of your deep dark hole.....just think, if you feel getting further and further down your hole....you'll end up at China.....there is ALWAYS a way out!!

xoxox

The House in the Clouds

Oh wow, where on earth has the last 2 months gone?? So much has happened, yet so little. Kids have been sick, Nath's had pretty bad carpel tunnel syndrome from working on the 'fat sucker' at the abattoir, Kasey turned 8yrs and Amy 6yrs just 2 days ago, and Ive just been here, being the glue that I am. And my most precious dog Benson who has been living with my grandfather for 5yrs died. That was so hard knowing I was up here and couldn't go see either of them. Before we moved I gave Benny one last cuddle :(

So, The House in the Clouds. The name kind of says it all, right? Damn straight it does!! We have moved out of the out-laws place. We should have rented from the beginning so that we wouldn't have to go through what we have gone through. It was ridiculous trying to live in a house where we were expected to feel at home, live as if it were our home yet live by another's rules. Dealing with the stresses of living there, plus having exams for uni and looking for somewhere to rent made emotions pretty edgy but we have survived another move 12km from there to a little slice of heaven on earth.

To get to our little slice of heaven you gotta go by dirt road. What a shame!! Dirt roads!! And red dirt too!! After driving past a few farms, a few left turns here, a right turn there, you get to a tiny little place called Glencoe. The census in 2006 said there was 600 people living here, sounds pretty high to me considering....we'll see what this year's census says. This 'town' isn't a town, it doesn't have a pub, corner store, doesn't even have a school. Its a tiny pocket of houses amongst the local farms. The local shops are 20mins or more away, but there is a pub about 14km down the road and a servo 5km on from there. Its not like a city out here where one suburb leads into another. Our posty comes in a 4wd not on a posty bike. Our 4wd struggles to get up our driveway in the dry (well, not struggle but its bumpy and far from an easy drive!), we have 180 degree view of Toowoomba in the horizon which is south so Ive worked out, Oakey and Dalby out west. As far as the eye can see its farm, after farm, after farm. Ive been able to see Nath about 8km away coming around the 'Birdswood Sanctuary' mountain SE of here. We're the first to get the sun rise and the last to see it go down. We have 14 steps up to the front door, once inside there is another 14 to go upstairs. We live at the very top of a mountain out in the country on an acre or so. Other than electricity, the rest is up to us.....water tank is it, there's no town water....but we do get the garbo truck and mail.

Looking pretty much south. Over the next lot of mountains is Toowoomba. In the middle of the photo is a tiny white bunch of 'stuff'. That is the Lutheran church that is well and truly over 130yrs old. One day I'll wander through the cemetery there.

Down the road a couple of km from our place.

 In Tamworth, NSW, all roads lead to Gunnedah. Out here, all roads lead to another dirt road!

Looking almost west. That is another town down there (middle of photo) which actually has a pub, school and a doctors surgery.

This house is our next door neighbour to the right. Its for sale, $375k.

The House in the Clouds. I took this photo from half way up the driveway and held the camera straight.

 Its pretty darn steep!!

Myself and Kasey, who hates having photos taken!

                                       Our Place....which now has a fire pit in the middle of the photo

So why have we named her The House in the Clouds?? Because we were silly enough to not call her The House Above the Clouds. When there is fog, which is quite often - most mornings, its pretty rare for us to be IN the fog, we are usually above it. Some mornings we've woken up to a sea of white fluff. And its been cold up here, the wind gets icy too but we have now warmed up. The nights now are usually about 5 degrees and the days are getting up to almost 20 degrees. One particular week, or a few weeks....we had the usual -3, -5 nights/mornings and up to 10 degrees during the day. I would wash up in cold water because it was warmer than the air and hot water was far too hot! Blistering!!

So as I sit here watching some show, I think about my lab reports for uni on psychological phenomena's, think of what to write here and while pondering the thoughts of having another cuppa I'm looking out the window and see a great big massive country town on the horizon glowing with her lights. I'm using the internet via mobile because we cannt get broadband and satellite is a possible option but right now I do not care, what we have works and that is fine. We are truly blessed to live here in the clouds, on top of a hill with a view noone would tire of.

Its been almost 3 months since we moved to sunny QLD. Its so good living in an ear with Skype, facebook, mobile phones.....you little ripper!! I can still talk face-to-face, its just 1200km apart!! My biggest heartache though has been friends. I went to a lady's house for dinner with about 18 other women. I had been invited by a lady from the church we had gone to on the previous Sunday. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I was the 'new kid', conversations didnt go past an introduction and the basic family run down, where we moved from, why the big move......the typical stuff. I met some lovely people. But as soon as I got home the anxiety kicked in and I started to fall apart - the shallow breathing, racing heart, sweaty hands, jittery, couldn't shut my brain off, I was teary and really felt like crap. I did the next day too and a little the day after that and gradually the rest of the week got a bit better each day. Ive caught up with another Ali, a friend who moved up here a few years ago so its nice knowing she's 30min away. And Jen, who is a family friend. Same age, 4 kids, done psychology. We get along. Same parenting style, same boundaries, expectations, trials and tribulations yet 2 very different upbringings. Its nice being able to talk to someone who knows your more than the introduction crap!!

This arvo I had a ripper of an anxiety attack for no reason at all, it just came and grabbed me like a heart attack. Since moving up here Ive had them more often and more severe than before the move, which is understandable and can totally understand the why behind it all and good ol' Laura just keeps on trudging along as she always does. Since its been cold my scars have begun to 'shine'....well, they've turned purple lol. I've got some on my fingers from picking at them so much, as soon as I get a sore I pick at it. Ive taped my fingers up on the odd occasion which has helped cos I pick at that instead. I think its just a fidgeting thing.

One thing I'm really struggling with is trying to find who I am up here. I REALLY miss my dreads, so much that I want to grow my hair long and get them again (not that I would - it would take about 3yrs or more to get my hair the right length). I don't feel lost but, I dunno, starting a whole new life is hard. I spent so much time talking to R about it and she warned me that this would happen - that i would have to find who I am, who I want people to know me as. It is good I guess, the people I meet don't know my baggage and that is kind of nice having that part of me they don't know.

Amy has been going to see one of the doctorate students at USQ about her hair pulling and anxiety. She really likes her. I don't want to go into it too much but we are trying new things to encourage development of new self soothing skills other than the hair pulling, thumb sucking and the little personality traits that really kick in when she is stressed out. Her psychologist is happy that I have brought her in though because its something that definitely needs dealing with now, not later. Childhood is such an important time to get things right, what she learns now at this age will either make her or break her in the years to come.

This week is the National Missing Persons Week. The lady who runs the AMPR (Australian Missing Persons Registry), Nicole, has done an amazing job at hi-liting all those people who are missing in our country. Ive spent so much time over the past 4 days reading through almost all of the cases she has shared on facebook this week. With every person who goes missing, at least 12 people are affected, from family, friends, colleagues etc. But it goes so much further than that too. Being apart of Nicole's group on fb has brought me heartache with one particular case lately, one I followed daily, one I prayed over, one that I was hoping for a good outcome. Sadly, like so many it didnt end well. So how about the people who follow these stories, the police involved, other rescue workers, the person who comes across a 'body'.What about the person who was the last one to have contact with that particular person and to find that they were.
So many people go missing for so many different reasons. What if I have come across someone who is 'missing'?? What if Ive come across someone and I was the last person to have contact with them?? What makes a person deliberately disappear and never return?? I know 2 yrs ago I really struggled with this and had to stop myself so many times from doing it.

Anyway, Ive procrastinated enough about having a shower and going to bed. Procrastination is an amazing thing!!