11/9/09 Day 25
There's a new patient here, G, and ALL yesterday afternoon and night, and again this morning from 5.30, he has been carrying on that he isn't delusional and that he is being locked up to ruin his good name. He is so rude to the staff and loud!! He even apologised last night to us. (He was so loud last night that we couldn't even watch the telly in the dining room. Of course I gave him a small amount of lip - knowing that if I gave him anymore he could flip and take it out on me....) Yet, he woke us up so early this morning! Real sorry isn't he!! It got so loud, this argument between him and N, that I popped my head out of my room and suggested to him that he keeps quiet. Drew was there too, asking N if she was ok. This guy is an asshole!!
Well, G has been in lock up for nearly an hour and he is trying to get out - smash the door and window. (dont think he realises its bullet-proof glass!) He's gunna knock himself out before he gets out! Everyone has been moved into the dining room for 'safety reasons' (according to M - my most hated nurse!!) So here we all are, its 6.45am and brekky is more than an hour away!
I didnt sleep well last night night even with taking Tamaz. I didnt get to sleep until after 10.30 and then awake at 2am, and then again at 4am. I hope I can see X today to start sorting out my meds. Im not sure what I want to happen. I think I want something like zyprexa, but my poor liver!!
(That day of all the blood tests, I was getting ready in the morning and thought that my tan was starting to get really good and even Em thought that I was looking quite tanned too - neither of us put it down to being my liver...and she's even worked in aged care and picked it up all the time!)
I like Dr Z more than X. X always has her lip turned up where he is soft and gentle and listened and helped me make sense of everything. Z helped me remember things, he was gentle and sat back on the lounge and was genuine with his questions. X would just say ' but why?'. And she sits on the edge of her seat!
As I spoke to him about my life he listened and took things in. Z kept asking about what I felt about things, why I didnt question myself, why did I think I was normal when I had all these issues.
I dont know who I am and he even said that himself. I want to know who I am but dont know where to stat.
Do I start grieving for Stephen? I think that process has begun.
Thinking of Stephen makes me tired, all of a sudden I have heavy eye lids. Its like my mind is worn out with the memories, the emotion, anything to do with it so it wants to sleep. Is it my way of not wanting to face all that stuff? Do I not want to deal with my memories, my emotions of it?
Did I really mask deal with his death with ventolin abuse? And can someone so young understand that it got you high? I obviously did! Deep down did I know what was wrong with me? How did I know? I was 10!! I remember having lots of ventolin and feeling dizzy and it made me feel good!
And this went on until I was nearly 16. But during this time I never really tried to remember Stephen. Yes, I thought about it but I never, never tried to process what had happened. He had become an angel - simple wasn't it!
And remember Cobain's death. I remember I felt strong, proud, like I felt stronger knowing he took death on even though he lost. And in yr 11 when K hung himself. I didnt even know him and it affected me big time. I remember feeling sad and depressed around that time. Yet I never talked to anyone about it.
Why couldn't I have dealt with all that before? Like when it happened? Why now all these years later?
Why am I so scared of death? I understood what suicide was when cobain died but why did I feel proud of him? Why did I feel stronger? Why did I feel sad or even worse when that happened? Its not as if he was a close family member or a friend.
Why didnt someone talk to me about it? All I remember was Mum telling me he was an idiot!
...They have moved G up to West. (Eloura West - on the other side of the carpark here). It took 4 doses of sedatives to do something. You should see the damage he did around the door. The wall is cracked and the render has come off up the top. So glad he has been moved!! Nothing like some excitement to start the day off - and a long day it will be!!
...Just had a quick chat with Annie about yesterday. Maybe just saying it, having it out, remembering it all might be enough, maybe I dont need to process everything. But she said that X will want to talk about it this arvo in the meeting.
I hope I have the strength for that! I feel like I do. today I feel lighter like a huge load has lifted from me! Apart from being tired i feel good. I weighed myself..72kg. Wonder what I would be on Mum's scales..got down to 69kg on hers.
So far I haven't had anything stolen hey! Pretty good seeing that its Kly's little hobby. Ive still got my mobile - amazingly. Thought they would have found it by now with the amount of bed strips and gear searches they do. Ive come close soooo many times. My ipod is still here (listening to it now actually) and even my clothes haven't been touched. Not that she would fit into them, although, going off the clothes she wears she would give it a shot!!
Got a message off A this morning telling me they talk about catching up with me, my writing, my music and my perfectionism like J. I haven't heard from J but thats ok. She has lots of uni and stuff to do. Hope she is ok. I dont let on but Im always thinking of them, wondering what they are doing, how they are coping with their day (whether J is going to cook dinner or get take-away lol). I wonder what the kids are doing. She seems to be taking #1 and #2 everywhere but never mentions taking #3 anywhere other than tennis on Thursdays.
Mum should be here in a while.
...Just had a couple of hours with mum which was nice. I explained yesterday to her and Annie did a little too. It was nice just us 2 having a mum-daughter chat.
Im still kicking myself about hurting J. I never like hurting people, not people who mean a lot to me, not J of all people. I dunno what has got into me lately. Im never this selfish, I always put other peoples needs first and mine second. Never did I for one second think just how much all this has effected her when I know full well that she is deal with her own shit. I miss her messages and its all because of my selfishness! Ive a friend instead of saving her from her own life. I wish i could say sorry in person to her!!
everything
It was like a choir of angels
in the realms of
unknown territory;
soft and gentle like
mist in the
morning light;
Autumn leaves falling
from heaven like
snowflakes in winter.
As the sun sets and
makes streets
look like fire,
a day ends where
I know everything
will be alright.
Totally describes how I feel about today. yesterday was good. I feel that even though Im not sure what to do that talking about it was enough! I dont have to have answers to everything but getting it out was good!
Had a quick meeting with X and she is really happy with how things went yesterday. Hopefully I get leave over the weekend hey. Mum is bringing the kids up 2mrw - yay!!
Poor Amy though, if your not careful she flies under the radar. She thinks everyone is lying to her about me. She doesn't believe anything they tell her. She is staying at Mums tonight and she was crying cos she didnt want to leave Nathan. Poor thing!! She wont tell you what she is thinking or feeling until its too late. My little Amy is so precious!!
12/9/09 Day 26
Having a nice morning. We're listening to some music C (patient) bought yesterday. Still in my PJ's but should think about getting dressed soon, kids will be here this morning with Mum. I keep thinking Ive got to get dressed early 'cos I have things to do but I dont!
Ive taken a liking to drinking hot water instead of tea or coffee 'cos I was having so many with 2 sugars, figured out I better cut the sugar out so I didnt put on too much weight with no exercise.
I feel so ready to go home. I know my anxiety needs to be under control when Im out but nearly 4 weeks in here is insane! I miss my kids, Nath. I miss my friends, my life. I want to be home so we can go camping!! That is what im aiming for at the moment. I just need to be able to sleep so that I dont feel so drained and tired. So, I have to fight through another today and tomorrow then get reviewed on Monday with Sinclair and go from there.
Ive written up my action plan so I can tell them and show them that I can try and that Im ready.
.....new sheets and gear search today - THEY FOUND MY PHONE damn it!! I walked in just as they were about to strip my bed so I said that I would do it - my phone was on charge under my pillow. So I looked after that and put my phone in my bag. But when I had made my bed I forgot to put my phone back under my pillow. I went on as usual and then quite a while later, Annie came into the court yard holding my phone and charger!!! lol. I instantly said 'Oh yeah, I forgot they were there!' she was ok with that though - cos Im one of the nice, quiet, well behaved ones ;) and didnt think I had been using it cos I had been using the patients phone on the wall (little does she know I was using both hahahahaha).
The visit with the kids went well. Amy is very hard to deal with at the moment, doesn't take much for her to cry and carry on. she is pulling her hair out a lot and has a big massive gap on the right side towards the back. Jonty has a bit of a cold, Kasey is good and Bridie is being a little trooper as usual. Cannt wait to get home. We leave for St George in 2 weeks tomorrow so we will be cutting it fine. I so hope we still go. I gotta get good on day leave and Ive gotta prove I can deal with this!
What a boring afternoon hey! I am seriously soooo bored!! But the weather is beautiful and its hot although we only have the courtyard to sit in.
I keep coming down to my room to check my phone. Ah well, I guess its a sign not to talk to J and A anymore.
Joh reckons, more like hopes, that J will be mature enough to realise that Im not myself at the moment. Im trying to be mature enough to handle the rejection of someone who is/was a friend. I realise what I did wrong. (My writing is messy right now 'cos Im walking)
Ok, on the verandah now, the sun is setting on what has been a relaxing day. Its nearly dinner time, goodo! Ann of green Gables is on tonight at 7.30. Hope we can watch it.
What a beaut day!!
Everyone keeps saying I have a gift with writing and with how I describe things. Heaps of people, here and on facebook, ask if Im writing a book or my autobiography. I keep having this thought of somehow helping people understand suicide and how people can do it. Im not clever enough to write a book but I wonder where life wll take me. Im wondering who Im able to help. Suicide is something noone can understand unless you've been close to it, been in depression or suicided - but then thats not possible unless it was a failed attempt. But first I need to help me get better.
I feel lost without my phone. I keep wanting to check it. I wonder what my friends are doing; whether Joh when to the doctor yesterday and whether Trina had a good time with Ethans party, wonder if there is a message from J or A. I wonder what I would write for my status on facebook and wonder how many people wonder what has happened to me....Ive disappeared lol....aka got my phone confiscated!!
Its quiet here right now. Everyone has gone to their room or just sitting quietly watching telly.
I wonder what J or A are doing right now? Wonder if they are cleaning up after dinner, the kids watching telly, A could be working (hope not!) and J doing uni. I wonder how Joh is tonight and whether she is going to get a goodnight sleep, I wonder how Eden is going and if she is still sick. I also wonder if she will visit tomorrow? she has on other Sundays, I wonder what J said to her.
Gee Im tired! Im so sick of waking up all night long. Its basically every 2hrs. Tonight I wont have my phone to check the time and wont be able to go on fb when I wake up too so with that gone I might start to sleep better. I hope so. If I could do some exercise then I might sleep better. Tamaz (20mg) does nothing and is a waste of time!
There's a domestic going on in the courtyard. The new ** woman and 2 others are going at it in a screaming match. Oh now she's crying. Poor diddums!!
Bc's asleep in the adolescents room right now. I can hear Audry in the background (you cannt escape her!) and the windows are open to their max. (all of a whopping 2 inches!!) but its still nice and quiet. The room feels empty like there are no angels, no evil spirits, no God. feels like there is space for once around me and its enjoyable. I know Im dribbling crap now in here but its nice. Im not even listening to music. Not going to have a shower either. Just going to sit and enjoy my own company!
13/9/09 Day 27
Depression is the thread of continuity - its the link between what I was to what I am.
Woke up early again this morning. Didnt take Tamaz last night and really struggled going to sleep. I just want a good solid night sleep. I wish they would give me something to sleep other than Tamaz. Wish I had one of mums restavit's!!
So here we are for another day in this place. Wonder what will happen today - I hate Sundays in here!! Not much will happen, as usual I guess. I wish I could hear from Joh, maybe she will just rock up, probably not though.
I know when you have depression that your not yourself and sometimes say things that you wouldn't normally say. I wonder what things I have said that isn't me? Are the things Ive said about ******, things to J and others not me?? I wish Joh was here so I could ask her. Maybe Ill try to remember for when I see her again.
I also noticed last night talking to M (patient) about bikes that I cannt remember details that I would normally remember about bikes that dad has had over the years. And its not just about bikes that I have a vague memory, I forget the names of shops, items, how to get to places, names of streets, The biggest thing is Jonty's first 6 months!! Thats just huge!! (Stress is actually known to kill brain cells and therefore shrinking the size of your prefrontal cortex which is involved in working memory and also your hypocampus which is involved with your long term memory.....).
Been thinking hey. Back in May I think it was when A lost a patient to cancer made me remember my childhood and being in the cancer ward as a kid. I think (vaguely thinking though) that that may have been the start of me falling apart.. But more so with the 14yr old suicide in Melbourne., I should be thanking A in a way hey. I wish this never happened though - I would be home with my family - but with all these issues still masked.
...Just had the kids, Mum and Dad, Em and C visit. Was good fun. Jonty took a while to take up 'cos he had been asleep in the car. Amy was pretty good. As much as she is stressing she is still coping. Kasey was 'bored'. She sat on my lap and I had a nice cuddle with her.
I rang Nath to see if he was going to visit with Bridie but he is building something for me but its a secret and he wants to do it today while the kids aren't there. He told me I could eat it ( you wont get it....its just between us that joke!!)
...The fire alarms went off too this moring while everyone wa here visiting! I reckon it was the bag lady - she's been asking everyone how you get to the shops and taking her bag with her everywhere she goes. She has escaped and IF they find her she'll be put in West. (they never find her). She even tried starting a fire in her room - sharing with Ml but Ml gave it to her!! We aren't allowed in our rooms and if we do go we have to be escorted so for now its just sitting, writing and waiting another 17 minutes til lunch time.
For lunch we can have the following:
Veal and Gravy
Sausages in Gravy
Cannelloni
Jacket Potatoes
Zuccini
Sweet Potato
Apricots
I think I might have a sandwich.
Might find a spot in the sun later and read my book a bit more. Its a beautiful 30 degrees today. Summer is here! Not that we had much of a winter, wasn't really that cold. 10 minutes til lunch. Gee Im tired, its like I haven't slept!!
This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
10/9/09 day 24
I have been struggling with writing this next post. It comes from a day where everything was falling apart. I still believe I lost 2 friends this day, I lost the connection we had. I grieved so much that even now I feel extremely angry. I spent many sessions with my psychologist talking about this particular day and the action that 2 friends took. I dont think I will ever get over this, ever! But here it is. Please, dont feel like you HAVE to read it if you feel you will be offended. Just understand that this day was huge for me. More than huge....I lost a piece of me this day.....
10/9/09 Day 24
Last night was worse than the night back when I first rang A. I was sitting here on my bed when that fog, that other thing, that urge took over my body and I wanted to hurt myself. Not that I wanted to hurt myself but thats what it felt like. I was scared - that know that feeling! I tried to do some breathing, I turned my music up but it got worse. But I remembered by promise to Ally, to J and A, to Joh and most of all to Nathan that I wouldn't do it. I got up and tried to find Marie but I couldn't so I went into the courtyard crying and pacing around out there. I kicked the brick wall and the trees (and now the top of my feet hurt and are bruised). I came inside and started pacing the corridors. After a few lap the brown haired uni student started walking with me knowing something was wrong. Then the blonde one took over. After a while he made me a cuppa and we sat down and chatted. I told him that either they give me something to kill my liver or I will kill myself or they can put me in seclusion. Eventually Marie came and told me she had organised seroquel and Tamaz for me because they are broken down by my kidneys and not my liver (or something like that).
I was so fatigued, so worn out from fighting the anxiety all day that I couldn't keep on top of it anymore. It got too much by the end of the day and I hadn't had a good night sleep last night.
I didn't even have a good sleep last night after the seroquel and tamaz. I woke at 2.30am and eventually fell back to sleep at 6am for a while.
I feel like such a failure because of last night. I feel like Ive let myself down , but more so Nath and the kids. They are who I keep thinking about. Its them that this is effecting. I reckon we wont get to St. George after last night. Yeah, it was a set back but a huge one! Ive had to start all over again! I have failed my first day out! I had 2 suicidal moments with the 2nd being the worst ever!! Im drained today, I just want to be left alone in peace so I can somehow sort myself out. How on earth can I stop these urges?? My stupid liver!! I was doing really well until that blood test! What else can I take?? Seroquel is good as a PRN and thats about it. Largactil made me worse and zyprexa is screwing my liver up!!
I have let everyone down by last night and Ill have to stay here longer because of it. It means being longer away from recovery and longer stay here and longer till I get to be home where I belong. I just want to find something that doesn't nearly kill me and works!!
Im not going to eat much Ive decided. Just going to eat fruit and drink water - either cold or hot, no more sugar and no more coffee. Im going to focus on something else and its going to be losing weight. And seeing that Im eating healthy and still putting weight on - cos Im not exercising - Im going to slow my eating down. Dunno how long I will last doing this but I need to focus on something else!
Im back to thinking that the kids will get over it eventually if I die, trying to convince myself, or justify, suicide. I dont want to but its like your possessed with something evil. It takes over your body and you lose control of your normal thinking.
I feel tired from being awake so much last night. Not a good thing cos when I tired I lose the ability to fight the anxiety which brings on the urges.
I did ok yesterday driving over the bridge (well, Em was driving...then Nath on the way back) but it was worse in the arvo with Nath. I didnt feel like I wanted to drive off it, not that I was driving.
I've lost the want to write poetry too. Not that its an issue but in a funny way I feel like I can express myself in it, like the right words can come out more.
If God is there, why is he putting me through this?? So his character is better known to me?? So I can grow strong?? What crap!! His character isn't depressed, it isn't suicidal. he doesn't swear.
And strong?? I feel weak! Lost! I dont feel him guiding me! Maybe Im not letting him, maybe I dont want to let him. Ah who cares!?!
I feel like I have just lost a friend. I turn my phone on to have a look at facebook and there is a message from J. I feel like ive been left out in the desert without a map, without water. Im grieving because today I have lost 2 friends who dont realise their worth to me. They dont realise the pain and the tears that this is bringing me!
Hi Laura
I have just read your message that Joh passed on to me. I am feeling very sorry that you are still not well and that last night was horrid for you. All I can do is strongly encourage you to speak to the nurses, even the ones you dont like, and let them know straight away what it is that you are feeling. I am feeling very powerless from here, you must be exhausted too.
A and I have been talking and we think that you need to really use the staff up there, the trained carers, to help you. It is in your best interest (although you wont see that yet) that we need to just reduce contact, because contact with me, with A, is possibly making you fly under the radar in hospital. They are the ones to help you get well....we can support you just like all your other friends and you know you are in our thoughts.
I have messaged Joh too 'cos she sent through the message at 4am with an upset 3yr old on her lap...Please, please allow the staff there to help you to get well again, so that you can go home with your family and friends, so you can get to St George. I know how much that means to you.
J xx
This is what I replied:
Dont you get it? I talk to the staff! They know whats going on!! Im NOT flying under the radar at all. It was a nurse that I hadn't met before and so she would have had to leave me to go read my notes or wait for me to finish my story! I talk J!! I TALK!!!!
So if I dont hear from you again best of luck with uni. Maybe one day we can chat again. Your love and support has been life saving
xoxoxox
And to A:
J has just sent me a message telling me what you have spoken about. I have lost 2 friends today who mean alot. Tear are pouring out of my eyes and they aren't stopping.
Thanks for your love, support and help A. I owe you more than what could ever be repaid.
Laura
He then messaged back:
Please dont say that you have lost 2 friends. We are friends. Why dont you ask J how she is doing with exam prep and coping with life in general. We have some really tough things at the moment that are nothing to do with you and you dont know about. We are friends but our life is very hard at the moment and J is trying to study for her exams so please be gentle with us.
A
So I messaged back:
I do ask her. Yes Im selfish I know at the best of times!! I understand you are busy!! And yest I feel Ive lost 2 friends!
A:
You may feel like you have lost 2 friends but you have not. We are friends for ever. You are not selfish. I have had a big staff issue at work that has traumatised me. I am not sleeping well. I have disturbed J's sleep. She is exhausted from study etc. We are trying to hang in there as in 1 month this should settle - exams over, holidays etc. This is not about contact - it is about us being a friend and not trying to be a therapist to you.
from me to A:
Im sorry I haven't given more conversation to you and J about your life. I wish I knew more about your life more so I could help you more,. I do more thinking of your life then I let on. I know all about uni. I know that holidays are coming up soon. I know its exam time because I should be doing my god-damn fucking exams. I have never wanted to think of you guys as my 'therapist'. Im sorry if I have come across that way. Yest Ive asked you medical questions and maybe I crossed the line doing that and Im sorry!! I can tell you guys everything 'cos you were there from the start of all this shit!! Yes Ive told you pretty much everything but I dont talk about EVERYTHING!! There is a lot that I don't talk to you about. Ive been too intrusive into you busy lives and trust me - Im kicking myself for being so rude!! Im lost for words right now so Im just going to let the tears toll a little longer. I feel like Im grieving.
from me to J:
Im sorry if I haven't given as much care to you as what I should have J. Hope you are going ok, really ok, and if your not then I hope you get through it ok.
xoxoxoxox
(But before all this happened......)
I had a meeting with Dr Z this morning. he kept asking me to explain how I felt and what I remembered as a child. He made me remember Stephen, the boy in the bed next to me, who had cancer - he died. I remember his blue eyes and that his name was spelt with a 'ph' and not a 'v'. He made me explain my childhood, remembering when Kurt Cobain died - I remember knowing what suicide was and I remember being proud of K.C. I had to explain my ventolin, the alcohol. He wanted to know what I remember about everything.
I cried and cried because he made me remember Stephen! He things that the ventolin, the alcohol, kids, uni, sport, everything has been my way of coping with death because I have stared it in the face as a child, not just me but Stephen. Why did he have to die??
Im still on care level 2 because of the thoughts I was having yesterday. DOH!
I feel so drained and tired! My head feels heavy and I dont have much energy.
...Ally just rocked up to get her meds. Im so glad I got to see her again. She is having a much better time at home, I can tell! She is smiling! I cannt wait til we catch up with the kids at the park or somewhere.
I have had to deal with so many things today. J and A have pulled the pin on me and Ive had to deal with Stephens memory. So many issues were brought up in the meeting. (X had wanted a second opinion on me).
Annie just came and said that she thought I had dome really well to talk about so many issues, to bring more memories out into the open, to cry uncontrollably. All that brought a tear to her eyes and she gave me a hug!
So has all this started with my memory of Stephen not being in his bed, my memory of death which I masked with my ventolin from yr 4 - yr 10. then 2yrs depressed, then masked with alcohol, then masked with baby after baby after baby after baby until now.
So much has happened today, unbelievably!!
Im not allowed out on leave so my chance to get home tomorrow and I reckon Sunday night might be a fizzer too!
There are 4 or 5 new patients here and this arvo has been chaotic with one bloke yelling abuse at the staff all arvo, and Kly too I think, cos I heard a yelling match this arvo with her involved. Its so quiet here now. R's not here (rehab) and Ally now gone. Its like I all of a sudden have noone to sit with, talk to etc. Just me and my tears!
I cannt wait to go to sleep tonight. I feel so drained, so tired. Ive had enough of today. I want to sleep and stay asleep. I dont want to wake up, not for a long time!!
Got a message from J tonight
Hey, sorry to hear of your friend, memories are good things to have.
I am struggling at the moment with heaps of stuff...uni is draining me completely, I am not sleeping or eating much and am trying to sort through some of my own unresolved grief...so I am exhausted....A has issues at work, I am really just wanting to 'hop on a slow boat to China' as my mum use to say. I will be ok though and get through it.
So I replied:
Ill buy you a ticket hey :) A slow boat to China sounds like good medicine.
Now Im the one feeling helpless. I wish i could fix A's staff problems, fix that hole in your heart called grief. I wish I was doing uni for you, the sleep that I do get is yours for the taking! I wish you weren't hurting physically, I wish you weren't in such a need for a break so desperately. You are strong J. Maybe not what you want to hear but you are a survivor and you will keep on going. I understand the drowning feeling but that is a thing called love that is a life rope. Remember you are loved, appreciated, wanted and needed. Just a little longer and you can rest. And if your a perfectionist like me with uni remember "P's get degrees".....easier said then done though hey!
I feel so bad for taking up so much of their time. I know they are busy and worn out. They mean so much to me and Ive pushed them away even though they say we are still friends - I can read between the lines, I know they are just being nice. They might as well say "bugger off leave me alone". But a true friend knows when to back off so that is what I will do. back off!! It is one thing though that makes my day exciting - finding I have a message from them and getting a phone call., I have nothing else in my day to look forward to in here. I love getting a message full stop!! Doesn't matter who its from!!
I cannt believe how much Ive cried today!! K (nurse) would ask me how Im going and I would tear up, I would think of J and A and I would tear up. Anything got me crying today! I cannt wait til bed time, till I can go to sleep!!
I cannt stop the tears anymore...I just want to let my tears flow and someone to talk to.
My head is sore and my eyes are red, my foot is sore from kicking the tree last night and I want someone I know here. Its so lonely here, I wish Joh was here to talk to.
I wish I was asleep forever!! I want to be somewhere quiet where noone will bother me, somewhere so I can see the stars, see the sky without anyone to pester me!
Ive spent most of today writing it seems, apart from the long time with the psychiatrists. I just cannt get over how much Ive cried. I thought I was all cried out til now. Maybe they are tears of exhaustion now!
Just got a message off A:
Hi Laura,
J's gone to bed - hope she sleeps tonight. She is not practised at switching off. She hears that you are thinking of killing yourself and it sticks in her head where I see lots of people like that and I dont dwell on it. we do value your friendship but I think she needs just to hear the lighter stuff as being as student the heavy suicidal traumatic stuff is weighing her down and doing her head in. We really want to be your friend though....Take care,
from me to A:
Im glad she has font to bed early, hope she sleeps! I get what your saying, it was too much. Im sorry ok! really sorry. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Staff issues are always there I guess but this sounds like a real doozy for you to be losing sleep over. I see what mum goes through with staff issues there and it sure does her damage. Im always thinking of you guys during the day, hoping that your coping ok. From now on I will only tell you guys about my day in minor detail and only when you really want to know. Im sorry A I really am and wish i never dragged you guys into this and can understand your wanting to pull out. So I will only tell you if you ask and will keep it simple. Sorry.
from A, who replied very quickly:
Arrrghhh!! We dont wanna pull out!! J identifies with your pain too deeply and she takes on board your feelings and is getting dragged down herself. If you feel suicidal, she is feeling weighed down the whole day. For me, I can switch to my next 'patient' and focus on them. We think and talk about you morning, noon and night and if we didnt hear anything we would stress but I hope for J so she can study and not to worry so much...take care!
I feel slightly better now talking to A but I feel so bad that my suicidalness really plays on J's mind. If I had realised that earlier then I wouldn't have dont so. The last think I want to do is ruin her life!!
(not that I wrote it in my journal but I remember the feeling well because I still feel it now. All I wanted to do was yell at them and tell them how dare they do this to me!! Of all days to do it too!! I wanted to tell them 'I hate you!!!' even though I didnt really....I hated their action. I hate how they made me feel, I hate how I made them feel, I hate everything about that day and what they said. I feel like it started off as a lie....contact according to J, not according to A.....J busy lots on, A says she gets weighed down - I KNOW its from the time when she lost *baby girl* at 26wks in the car accident. i was soooooo angry at them. How dare they!! Yet, I know exactly why and can totally understand their reasoning.....which sucks cos all I wanted to do was tell them to go to hell)
10/9/09 Day 24
Last night was worse than the night back when I first rang A. I was sitting here on my bed when that fog, that other thing, that urge took over my body and I wanted to hurt myself. Not that I wanted to hurt myself but thats what it felt like. I was scared - that know that feeling! I tried to do some breathing, I turned my music up but it got worse. But I remembered by promise to Ally, to J and A, to Joh and most of all to Nathan that I wouldn't do it. I got up and tried to find Marie but I couldn't so I went into the courtyard crying and pacing around out there. I kicked the brick wall and the trees (and now the top of my feet hurt and are bruised). I came inside and started pacing the corridors. After a few lap the brown haired uni student started walking with me knowing something was wrong. Then the blonde one took over. After a while he made me a cuppa and we sat down and chatted. I told him that either they give me something to kill my liver or I will kill myself or they can put me in seclusion. Eventually Marie came and told me she had organised seroquel and Tamaz for me because they are broken down by my kidneys and not my liver (or something like that).
I was so fatigued, so worn out from fighting the anxiety all day that I couldn't keep on top of it anymore. It got too much by the end of the day and I hadn't had a good night sleep last night.
I didn't even have a good sleep last night after the seroquel and tamaz. I woke at 2.30am and eventually fell back to sleep at 6am for a while.
I feel like such a failure because of last night. I feel like Ive let myself down , but more so Nath and the kids. They are who I keep thinking about. Its them that this is effecting. I reckon we wont get to St. George after last night. Yeah, it was a set back but a huge one! Ive had to start all over again! I have failed my first day out! I had 2 suicidal moments with the 2nd being the worst ever!! Im drained today, I just want to be left alone in peace so I can somehow sort myself out. How on earth can I stop these urges?? My stupid liver!! I was doing really well until that blood test! What else can I take?? Seroquel is good as a PRN and thats about it. Largactil made me worse and zyprexa is screwing my liver up!!
I have let everyone down by last night and Ill have to stay here longer because of it. It means being longer away from recovery and longer stay here and longer till I get to be home where I belong. I just want to find something that doesn't nearly kill me and works!!
Im not going to eat much Ive decided. Just going to eat fruit and drink water - either cold or hot, no more sugar and no more coffee. Im going to focus on something else and its going to be losing weight. And seeing that Im eating healthy and still putting weight on - cos Im not exercising - Im going to slow my eating down. Dunno how long I will last doing this but I need to focus on something else!
Im back to thinking that the kids will get over it eventually if I die, trying to convince myself, or justify, suicide. I dont want to but its like your possessed with something evil. It takes over your body and you lose control of your normal thinking.
I feel tired from being awake so much last night. Not a good thing cos when I tired I lose the ability to fight the anxiety which brings on the urges.
I did ok yesterday driving over the bridge (well, Em was driving...then Nath on the way back) but it was worse in the arvo with Nath. I didnt feel like I wanted to drive off it, not that I was driving.
I've lost the want to write poetry too. Not that its an issue but in a funny way I feel like I can express myself in it, like the right words can come out more.
If God is there, why is he putting me through this?? So his character is better known to me?? So I can grow strong?? What crap!! His character isn't depressed, it isn't suicidal. he doesn't swear.
And strong?? I feel weak! Lost! I dont feel him guiding me! Maybe Im not letting him, maybe I dont want to let him. Ah who cares!?!
I feel like I have just lost a friend. I turn my phone on to have a look at facebook and there is a message from J. I feel like ive been left out in the desert without a map, without water. Im grieving because today I have lost 2 friends who dont realise their worth to me. They dont realise the pain and the tears that this is bringing me!
Hi Laura
I have just read your message that Joh passed on to me. I am feeling very sorry that you are still not well and that last night was horrid for you. All I can do is strongly encourage you to speak to the nurses, even the ones you dont like, and let them know straight away what it is that you are feeling. I am feeling very powerless from here, you must be exhausted too.
A and I have been talking and we think that you need to really use the staff up there, the trained carers, to help you. It is in your best interest (although you wont see that yet) that we need to just reduce contact, because contact with me, with A, is possibly making you fly under the radar in hospital. They are the ones to help you get well....we can support you just like all your other friends and you know you are in our thoughts.
I have messaged Joh too 'cos she sent through the message at 4am with an upset 3yr old on her lap...Please, please allow the staff there to help you to get well again, so that you can go home with your family and friends, so you can get to St George. I know how much that means to you.
J xx
This is what I replied:
Dont you get it? I talk to the staff! They know whats going on!! Im NOT flying under the radar at all. It was a nurse that I hadn't met before and so she would have had to leave me to go read my notes or wait for me to finish my story! I talk J!! I TALK!!!!
So if I dont hear from you again best of luck with uni. Maybe one day we can chat again. Your love and support has been life saving
xoxoxox
And to A:
J has just sent me a message telling me what you have spoken about. I have lost 2 friends today who mean alot. Tear are pouring out of my eyes and they aren't stopping.
Thanks for your love, support and help A. I owe you more than what could ever be repaid.
Laura
He then messaged back:
Please dont say that you have lost 2 friends. We are friends. Why dont you ask J how she is doing with exam prep and coping with life in general. We have some really tough things at the moment that are nothing to do with you and you dont know about. We are friends but our life is very hard at the moment and J is trying to study for her exams so please be gentle with us.
A
So I messaged back:
I do ask her. Yes Im selfish I know at the best of times!! I understand you are busy!! And yest I feel Ive lost 2 friends!
A:
You may feel like you have lost 2 friends but you have not. We are friends for ever. You are not selfish. I have had a big staff issue at work that has traumatised me. I am not sleeping well. I have disturbed J's sleep. She is exhausted from study etc. We are trying to hang in there as in 1 month this should settle - exams over, holidays etc. This is not about contact - it is about us being a friend and not trying to be a therapist to you.
from me to A:
Im sorry I haven't given more conversation to you and J about your life. I wish I knew more about your life more so I could help you more,. I do more thinking of your life then I let on. I know all about uni. I know that holidays are coming up soon. I know its exam time because I should be doing my god-damn fucking exams. I have never wanted to think of you guys as my 'therapist'. Im sorry if I have come across that way. Yest Ive asked you medical questions and maybe I crossed the line doing that and Im sorry!! I can tell you guys everything 'cos you were there from the start of all this shit!! Yes Ive told you pretty much everything but I dont talk about EVERYTHING!! There is a lot that I don't talk to you about. Ive been too intrusive into you busy lives and trust me - Im kicking myself for being so rude!! Im lost for words right now so Im just going to let the tears toll a little longer. I feel like Im grieving.
from me to J:
Im sorry if I haven't given as much care to you as what I should have J. Hope you are going ok, really ok, and if your not then I hope you get through it ok.
xoxoxoxox
(But before all this happened......)
I had a meeting with Dr Z this morning. he kept asking me to explain how I felt and what I remembered as a child. He made me remember Stephen, the boy in the bed next to me, who had cancer - he died. I remember his blue eyes and that his name was spelt with a 'ph' and not a 'v'. He made me explain my childhood, remembering when Kurt Cobain died - I remember knowing what suicide was and I remember being proud of K.C. I had to explain my ventolin, the alcohol. He wanted to know what I remember about everything.
I cried and cried because he made me remember Stephen! He things that the ventolin, the alcohol, kids, uni, sport, everything has been my way of coping with death because I have stared it in the face as a child, not just me but Stephen. Why did he have to die??
Im still on care level 2 because of the thoughts I was having yesterday. DOH!
I feel so drained and tired! My head feels heavy and I dont have much energy.
...Ally just rocked up to get her meds. Im so glad I got to see her again. She is having a much better time at home, I can tell! She is smiling! I cannt wait til we catch up with the kids at the park or somewhere.
I have had to deal with so many things today. J and A have pulled the pin on me and Ive had to deal with Stephens memory. So many issues were brought up in the meeting. (X had wanted a second opinion on me).
Annie just came and said that she thought I had dome really well to talk about so many issues, to bring more memories out into the open, to cry uncontrollably. All that brought a tear to her eyes and she gave me a hug!
So has all this started with my memory of Stephen not being in his bed, my memory of death which I masked with my ventolin from yr 4 - yr 10. then 2yrs depressed, then masked with alcohol, then masked with baby after baby after baby after baby until now.
So much has happened today, unbelievably!!
Im not allowed out on leave so my chance to get home tomorrow and I reckon Sunday night might be a fizzer too!
There are 4 or 5 new patients here and this arvo has been chaotic with one bloke yelling abuse at the staff all arvo, and Kly too I think, cos I heard a yelling match this arvo with her involved. Its so quiet here now. R's not here (rehab) and Ally now gone. Its like I all of a sudden have noone to sit with, talk to etc. Just me and my tears!
I cannt wait to go to sleep tonight. I feel so drained, so tired. Ive had enough of today. I want to sleep and stay asleep. I dont want to wake up, not for a long time!!
Got a message from J tonight
Hey, sorry to hear of your friend, memories are good things to have.
I am struggling at the moment with heaps of stuff...uni is draining me completely, I am not sleeping or eating much and am trying to sort through some of my own unresolved grief...so I am exhausted....A has issues at work, I am really just wanting to 'hop on a slow boat to China' as my mum use to say. I will be ok though and get through it.
So I replied:
Ill buy you a ticket hey :) A slow boat to China sounds like good medicine.
Now Im the one feeling helpless. I wish i could fix A's staff problems, fix that hole in your heart called grief. I wish I was doing uni for you, the sleep that I do get is yours for the taking! I wish you weren't hurting physically, I wish you weren't in such a need for a break so desperately. You are strong J. Maybe not what you want to hear but you are a survivor and you will keep on going. I understand the drowning feeling but that is a thing called love that is a life rope. Remember you are loved, appreciated, wanted and needed. Just a little longer and you can rest. And if your a perfectionist like me with uni remember "P's get degrees".....easier said then done though hey!
I feel so bad for taking up so much of their time. I know they are busy and worn out. They mean so much to me and Ive pushed them away even though they say we are still friends - I can read between the lines, I know they are just being nice. They might as well say "bugger off leave me alone". But a true friend knows when to back off so that is what I will do. back off!! It is one thing though that makes my day exciting - finding I have a message from them and getting a phone call., I have nothing else in my day to look forward to in here. I love getting a message full stop!! Doesn't matter who its from!!
I cannt believe how much Ive cried today!! K (nurse) would ask me how Im going and I would tear up, I would think of J and A and I would tear up. Anything got me crying today! I cannt wait til bed time, till I can go to sleep!!
I cannt stop the tears anymore...I just want to let my tears flow and someone to talk to.
My head is sore and my eyes are red, my foot is sore from kicking the tree last night and I want someone I know here. Its so lonely here, I wish Joh was here to talk to.
I wish I was asleep forever!! I want to be somewhere quiet where noone will bother me, somewhere so I can see the stars, see the sky without anyone to pester me!
Ive spent most of today writing it seems, apart from the long time with the psychiatrists. I just cannt get over how much Ive cried. I thought I was all cried out til now. Maybe they are tears of exhaustion now!
Just got a message off A:
Hi Laura,
J's gone to bed - hope she sleeps tonight. She is not practised at switching off. She hears that you are thinking of killing yourself and it sticks in her head where I see lots of people like that and I dont dwell on it. we do value your friendship but I think she needs just to hear the lighter stuff as being as student the heavy suicidal traumatic stuff is weighing her down and doing her head in. We really want to be your friend though....Take care,
from me to A:
Im glad she has font to bed early, hope she sleeps! I get what your saying, it was too much. Im sorry ok! really sorry. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Staff issues are always there I guess but this sounds like a real doozy for you to be losing sleep over. I see what mum goes through with staff issues there and it sure does her damage. Im always thinking of you guys during the day, hoping that your coping ok. From now on I will only tell you guys about my day in minor detail and only when you really want to know. Im sorry A I really am and wish i never dragged you guys into this and can understand your wanting to pull out. So I will only tell you if you ask and will keep it simple. Sorry.
from A, who replied very quickly:
Arrrghhh!! We dont wanna pull out!! J identifies with your pain too deeply and she takes on board your feelings and is getting dragged down herself. If you feel suicidal, she is feeling weighed down the whole day. For me, I can switch to my next 'patient' and focus on them. We think and talk about you morning, noon and night and if we didnt hear anything we would stress but I hope for J so she can study and not to worry so much...take care!
I feel slightly better now talking to A but I feel so bad that my suicidalness really plays on J's mind. If I had realised that earlier then I wouldn't have dont so. The last think I want to do is ruin her life!!
(not that I wrote it in my journal but I remember the feeling well because I still feel it now. All I wanted to do was yell at them and tell them how dare they do this to me!! Of all days to do it too!! I wanted to tell them 'I hate you!!!' even though I didnt really....I hated their action. I hate how they made me feel, I hate how I made them feel, I hate everything about that day and what they said. I feel like it started off as a lie....contact according to J, not according to A.....J busy lots on, A says she gets weighed down - I KNOW its from the time when she lost *baby girl* at 26wks in the car accident. i was soooooo angry at them. How dare they!! Yet, I know exactly why and can totally understand their reasoning.....which sucks cos all I wanted to do was tell them to go to hell)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
7-9/9/09 day 21-23
7/9/09 Day 21
I hope today is a good day. I dont want yesterday to be a big deal, I dont want them to keep me here longer because of it. I need to be home. I dont want the nurses, or the doctors, to be concerned about me to the point that they say I have to stay here longer.
I want to be home, I need to be home. I am feeling heaps better than what I was before. Just 'cos Ive had one bad day doesn't mean Ill have to stay does it? I hope not 'cos if thats the case Ill never get home, ever!
I still cannt believe I cried yesterday! Thought that was a good thing, yeah?
I really really hope the meeting with X, Mum and Nathan goes well this arvo but I dont think it will. Fingers crossed for some good news for once!!
....Annie said that I have a lot of the staff concerned, that is a good thing in a way but at the same time its not - they need to know that Im safe before they will let me home and if lots of the nurses are concerned about my safety then they obviously thing Im not safe. I told her that I dont want to think these things about harming myself but I do think them. She said she has finally been able to see what Im feeling instead of me saying 'I want to kill myself' with a smile on my face. She saw me crying yesterday, so did C and another nurses. My barriers have come down, the real Laura is shining.
Just played piano for everyone, they really enjoyed 'Sarabande'. Its the only one I dont struggle with.
Its raining today.
Dad just came to visit, was nice! He is so worried about me, everyone is. He feels helpless, like, he wants to help but doesn't know how.
We had the meeting this arvo for an hour. It went pretty good, I think. Mum told X about my childhood and the issues I had in yr 11 & 12 and they both agree that I had depression those 2yrs and also a hint of it after Jonty was born, and definitely after Bridie was born although she hasn't come to the final decision on my diagnosis. Mum and Nathan have a plan with how things will be dealt with when I get home and Sinclair likes it. So I get to go home for the day on Wednesday and if Im up for it, Friday too and if they are successful then I get to spend Sunday night at home so that I can talk to X on Monday arvo and if Sunday night is a fizzer then I can do Monday night and talk to them on Tuesday arvo.
It was really distressing having to talk about my suicide ideas and I cried a bit and had to take deep breaths. It was really stressful being the centre of attention but now a few hours later I have calmed down and feel good. Cannt wait to see the kids.
But, Im basically going to be here for another couple of weeks, just to have more leave - bigger leave!
It sucks 'cos Ive been here for 3 weeks, so you do the maths - 5 weeks is insane!! I feel like Im really slack, like Im having a holiday and Nath isn't getting one.
I so need to think about getting a new journal - hopefully the same look. Might have to send Em on a trip or see if I can go with her tomorrow for a bit.
I think I might have a shower, I think it will help me relax.
Oh yeah, efexor is being put up to 300mg (from 225) and zyprexa is staying the same.
Yesterday's Fear
Yesterdays fear and happiness
is todays strength.
Surviving yet again
like the fish in a drought.
The smallest of life
is the largest in life
Today is yesterdays
sun on the horizon,
tomorrow is todays future
and the past is gone.
The present is here and is gone,
moving two steps forward
one step back.
Survival is not just for
the fittest,
its for the weak,
the scared and for the lost.
8/9/09 Day 22
Just need to fill in time today and rest before tomorrows big day out at home. I feel a little tired this morning but I think thats because I didnt go to bed til 10pm, my latest night by a long shot in here!
Gotta get another blood test done this morning to check my cholesterol levels, I hope it isn't too high, otherwise zyprexa will be changed to something else. But Im actually hanging for some toast hey! Wish I could eat - I have to fast for the test.
....Went out with Em for a bit this morning. I still got really anxious! I bought a few CD's (one being a 10pk of country music!!!), nail polish and face wash. We had lunch at the shops but gee I tell ya what Im feeling really worn out. It is just such hard work being in public with all those demands on you. I dunno how Im going to handle being at home tomorrow. I guess Ill find out soon though. Im looking forward to it hey!!
For J and A - Im not sure if I sent them this or I wrote it in my journal knowing that one day they would read it....
I owe you my life my dear friends. You were there for me when so many others weren't. You gave me no choice but to let you care and love me when I least deserved it.
When I look to the sunrise I think of the day in which I was not suppose to see, the day I was to turn into an angel.
You are teaching me that I am loved, that I matter. And as each day ends and starts another I more and more believe that I am strong and that I am a fighter.
If only we weren't so far apart.
Thank goodness for phone and computers!! :)
Winds Whispers
The freedom blew to her in
the winds whisper
coming at a gentle pace
so as not to scare her.
It was a welcomed relief
that she was to take
in her hands,
familiarity was finally
in reach of her finger tips.
The breeze brought her
a simmer of hope,
a longing for forgiveness,
peace within.
She felt triumph, courageous
at what had been achieved
as the whisper took away
her painful heart.
Sweet Child
As sweet as a lolly on a childs lips
so life is in the day of sunshine.
The air is a freshness that
only mountains know
during the morning mist.
Time runs smoothly,
the clock with never a jolt
passes from past to future
with an ease that an eagle knows.
The wings span the sky casting
a Shadow of relief on
the harsh cracked red dirt track.
and at the end of the track
is a pot of peace, sweet and innocent
as the child with the lolly
in ones hand.
Intersection
Looking forward
not looking back
not knowing which track to take
leaves a taste of uncertainty
in the mouth of the traveller.
She is strong
she knows hard work
she knows rest
but this pack of sticks
is a heavy burden,
like a choice between
daughters and sons.
Not knowing
not thinking
not feeling
is fear, hope and uncertainty.
Conscious waiting for help
she stands at lifes intersection
with a choice, with a fear
many have felt before her.
Looking left
looking right
it almost frightened her,
but not quite.
my heart is warm
my hope is alive
the delicious fragrance
of life is the ocean
of my soul.
The horizon glistens
like a ring with one
thousand diamonds.
Soaked in smiles
my eyes are looking
for something familiar,
something to
remind me of a life that
once existed,
where happiness flowed
over the boulders
of Micalong creek,
but for now its glarey,
hazy and Misty
yet calming
with the ocean of hope,
that surrounds the
island of life.
To wish you were here
instead of me;
you dont want to do that.
To be by my side through this
shows your true nature.
To visit, to talk, and be still
makes me feel special, loved.
A sister is what you are,
my sister is with me.
I count on you because I can
I believe in you when you say
this will pass.
You are a keeper,
my sister!
This is something that Emily (my sister, aka Mimim / Em) wrote in my journal when I wasn't looking:
To my sister and a good sister you are. I know I dont tell you enough but I love you and I wouldn't replace you for anyone. I wish I could explain to you the way I have been feeling lately but I cannt. I hurt for you. Seeing you struggle is breaking my heart and I feel nothing I say will ever be enough, but this hard time in you life will pass. We all love you for who you are and noone in your family is judging you even if at times you may feel we are. It doesn't matter what you do or say, nothing will change the fact that you rock and we are proud of you. You have no idea how much I respect you and wish I could be like you. You are the best mother ever and your kids are proof of that. God put you here on this earth for a reason and it was to make my life better which you do. So you just work on getting better so you can get home to those beautiful children. Just never forget that you are important and needed. Im sorry I dont tell you more often but your special to me and even in your hard times I wish I had your strength.
Anyhoo! before I cry Ill stop. Stay positive and when negativity creeps up just remember that you are special - that the most important thing, ok!
You'll be better before you know it and we'll be off to the Tea Club, yummy yummy!!
Love mimim xxx
ps, your a fab aunty!
Beside the Micalong
Be still a moment
and allow your heart to feel
and your soul to listen.
hear the birds sing
and feel their freedom
as they soar through the skies above.
Feel the water as it
flows over the Micalong.
The stillness of life,
the smell of life
is there in the open
paddock beside this creek.
The horses, the sheep
the cattle and their keepers
are still as the water flows
over the boulders,
while the birds sing for joy
among the clouds
where the wind whispers
lifes secrets.
be still and know that
life is good beside the Micalong.
(for those of you who dont know, Micalong is a creek at Wee Jasper - an hours drive west of Yass. Its my favorite camp, in the middle of a sheep station! Love it!!)
Ally and I have been swapping journals to read. Its like reading my own words. She is so cool and she has 4 kids too so we know how each other think and feel about kiddy things. And all our kids are the same age, pretty much! We've been keeping an eye on each other, she was real worried about me the other day when I wanted to hurt myself again. She keeps cutting herself to take the pain away. I know how she feels and can totally understand why she does it but I want her to stop and Im not sure if I can help - slap on the forehead for me!!
I hope we stay friends once she leaves and I leave. She wants to leave today but cannt so is going to try tomorrow. As much as I want her to go home, Ill miss her, but she needs to be home with her hubby and kids, not here with us loonies!!
My blood test from this morning shows my liver isn't working properly so they have taken more bloods, which my vein didnt want to give, and they are taking more in the morning again. They are hoping that its just a mix up. They thought that I had had an overdose on panadol or an extremely huge amount of alcohol the results were that bad. (And boy did they quiz me - there was Sinclair, her team of psych's and a stack of nurses quizzing me. I told them that Ive seen someone with a panadol overdose and if I was going to OD then panadol wouldn't be my choice! Its not going to kiill me - just make me need my stomach pumped - Im not that stupid!)
Just one more thing to deal with! depending on what the results are, they are going to send me to see the medical registrar tonight.
I need to rest my mind. Might go chill out to ACDC for a while.
I rang A to tell him 'cos I wasn't getting answers off Marie (she told me we would cross that hurdle when we get there). But now I feel real bad 'cos I interrupted him with a patient. I hope I can talk to him later, probably wont though - he will finish later cos he's working tonight.
The blood congealed in one of the samples so they had to take it again but one sample come back with normal panadol levels - dar!!
A tried ringing but I didnt see my phone light up (its on silent). feel heaps bad for interrupting him hey!
Might have a shower, that could fill in time til the results come back. Oh far out, how nerve wrecking is this - my liver has started to fail and they dont know why!!
I painted my nails a nice dark dark purple called 'deliciously dark'. Its a beautiful colour - matches my hair - minus the purple tint. I love my hair this colour.
Ok, so Im still waiting and still haven't had a shower - I wont be able to enjoy it. Although its nearly 8pm and 'Packed to the Rafters' is on tonight and I want to watch it.
C'MON MARIE!!!!
ok, my LFT is quite high so ANOTHER blood test needed in the morning. But it means no more zyprexa and cannt have Tamaz tonight either.
...its like 11pm and I cannt sleep hey! My mind is too busy so Im sitting on the toilet (lid down of course!) writing away cos my phone and ipod are flat.
A rang back and left a message saying that I dont (or shouldn't) need to worry about the blood test - although he didnt know the levels. He sounds like a typical doctor when he's in doctor mode leaving a message but get him away from medicine and he is cool and calm and relaxed. J is always cool and calm even though she says she loses it big time.
Im so scared about tomorrow. Im scared that for starters that Im not asleep yet and when I dont sleep I have a crap day. Secondly I haven't had zyprexa which, from what I gather, is a stabiliser and thirdly I have no PRN for tomorrow or at all anymore. And my anxiety levels are starting to climb through the roof and its not even tomorrow yet.
Im so worried that I will get hime and have a HUGE anxiety attack and not be able to cope. What if I have a seriously bad day?!? Im going to be nearly an hour away from here. Not good I tell ya!
What if Im so jittery tomorrow that I cannt enjoy being with Nath and the kids? I just want to be me but I dont know who me is anymore! Im a list of achievements, Im a human doing, I need to be a human being.
I cannt wait til tonight is over with and tomorrow is here.
I gotta hide my phone - its in here so might as well leave it here, might use the box room, maybe not. I could use the very top shelf at the back of the cupboard - noone would look there and Kly wouldn't be able to get her fat ass up that high ;)
Good old Harry Potter here! Did I write about him already? Anyway, he is an old bloke with Bi Polar and he introduced himself to me the other day looking down my dress. So I told him 'eyes up here harry potter' hahaha, he's a pain in the neck but I give him a bit of lip and its all good. he did a magic show yesterday for us and pur his video on today. He has bursts of tears all of a sudden and thinks he's dying!
Then, the same day, I think 2 days ago, Drew, another one with Bi Polar said something soooo random! "You have good boobs". What is it with my boobs??? drew came up yesturday and tearfully apologised for his behaviour. Other than this he is a nice guy. Kinda looks like , oh what do you call them....a pixi...yeah like a pixi lol.
My hands are sore from writing so quickly. Gotta write quick cos my thoughts will race away from me and Ill forget them otherwise.
Hang what they think - I think I need Tamaz. But X is right - she said Id be buzzing tomorrow and I am. Im so wide awake its crazy!!!
23/9/09 day 23
Well, its just gone midnight and Ive ended up having a Tamaz to put me to sleep but it wont kick in for a while. So Ill just sit and think and write hey!
Only a few odd pages left and I can start writing in my new journal. Its the same as this one. Going to try and keep getting the same ones and keep them bound for the future. Sounds good I reckon!
...finally fell asleep last night and its 6.30 now so not a lot of sleep but I got some. Im so excited hey!
I wanna jump out of bed now and get ready but seriously, wouldn't have anything to do. Im going to take my journal with me so I can escape into it if I need to. gotta take my ipod and the charger cos Im going to put more music on it - the CD's that I bought yesterday. I hope Ally wakes up feeling like she can cope. Im so worried about her. The cops cannt force her to return if she goes on leave and doesn't come back. She scares me when she is really down and gets the suicidal urges like Ive had. Fingers crossed she stays strong like I know she can be. She is a very cool friend and Im so glad we have met. She is my rock in here, we can sit still for 10 minutes and not say a word to each other, and thats ok. We know each others pain, its like looking into a mirror. If we swap journals again and she reads this I want you to know Ally that you are strong and you can fight this. Enjoy your babies at home and make sure you dont return to Mirrabook - as much as I will miss you, I dont want you back here xoxox
Im so tempted to get up and get dressed and get things ready for today. I cannt wait!
Blood test - check
breakfast - check
dirty clothes - check
me - check
meds - check
Yay now just to wait til Em gets here and away we go for the day!! Its going to hit me in the car I reckon. Ohh!! Im soooooo excited!!
Well Ive been at home and now Im back. It went ok, much better than what I thought really. My anxiety levels were up and down like a yo-yo all day. I had a wonderful time with the kids, Kasey didnt go to school so it was nice having her there. Bridie was great fun! But at about 3pm-ish I had a massive urge to stab myself with a knife and I started punching myself on the chest really hard. That urge is so bad!! Its like you become possessed and the devil takes over your whole body. nath was there and he took me outside and distracted me. I knew it was going to happen. It ruined the rest of the arvo though for me. We got ready to go soon after that because Nath has to work tonight and if I had stayed for tea then he wouldnt get home til 8.30ish and wouldn't have had a sleep before work. I wasn't very talkative on the way home but Nath understood why (home as in Mirrabook). He thinks i did really well today and that it was really successful and that I have come a long way. He reckons Im much better than I was. He was real positive the whole day.
Im negative about it. Yes, I enjoyed being with him and the kids, yes I was kinda cheerful, yes I managed to feel like I didnt have to do anything, but me - inside this body was feeling crap! It was like I was struggling again to keep control of myself. My anxiety was all over the place and I did lots of breathing to help it.
But when that urge to kill myself came over me was like nothing else! But it definitely wasn't as insane as that Thursday night. Maybe 'cos I could tell Nath straight away and he was there for me, unlike that Thursday night where it was me in the dark with noone other than A on the end of the phone.
I dont want to kill myself but now that all that is over I dont even feel like I have succeeded. I dont feel any better. I dont feel stronger for it. It took me by surprise , I didnt see it coming. It was like I smashed my head against a brick wall that has popped out in front of me from thin air!!
I feel so fatigued, so tired from today. I felt like I fought again eveil all day long. I dont want to sleep, I just need to escape this shit!
They took my belt off me!!!
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
END OF JOURNAL #1
I hope today is a good day. I dont want yesterday to be a big deal, I dont want them to keep me here longer because of it. I need to be home. I dont want the nurses, or the doctors, to be concerned about me to the point that they say I have to stay here longer.
I want to be home, I need to be home. I am feeling heaps better than what I was before. Just 'cos Ive had one bad day doesn't mean Ill have to stay does it? I hope not 'cos if thats the case Ill never get home, ever!
I still cannt believe I cried yesterday! Thought that was a good thing, yeah?
I really really hope the meeting with X, Mum and Nathan goes well this arvo but I dont think it will. Fingers crossed for some good news for once!!
....Annie said that I have a lot of the staff concerned, that is a good thing in a way but at the same time its not - they need to know that Im safe before they will let me home and if lots of the nurses are concerned about my safety then they obviously thing Im not safe. I told her that I dont want to think these things about harming myself but I do think them. She said she has finally been able to see what Im feeling instead of me saying 'I want to kill myself' with a smile on my face. She saw me crying yesterday, so did C and another nurses. My barriers have come down, the real Laura is shining.
Just played piano for everyone, they really enjoyed 'Sarabande'. Its the only one I dont struggle with.
Its raining today.
Dad just came to visit, was nice! He is so worried about me, everyone is. He feels helpless, like, he wants to help but doesn't know how.
We had the meeting this arvo for an hour. It went pretty good, I think. Mum told X about my childhood and the issues I had in yr 11 & 12 and they both agree that I had depression those 2yrs and also a hint of it after Jonty was born, and definitely after Bridie was born although she hasn't come to the final decision on my diagnosis. Mum and Nathan have a plan with how things will be dealt with when I get home and Sinclair likes it. So I get to go home for the day on Wednesday and if Im up for it, Friday too and if they are successful then I get to spend Sunday night at home so that I can talk to X on Monday arvo and if Sunday night is a fizzer then I can do Monday night and talk to them on Tuesday arvo.
It was really distressing having to talk about my suicide ideas and I cried a bit and had to take deep breaths. It was really stressful being the centre of attention but now a few hours later I have calmed down and feel good. Cannt wait to see the kids.
But, Im basically going to be here for another couple of weeks, just to have more leave - bigger leave!
It sucks 'cos Ive been here for 3 weeks, so you do the maths - 5 weeks is insane!! I feel like Im really slack, like Im having a holiday and Nath isn't getting one.
I so need to think about getting a new journal - hopefully the same look. Might have to send Em on a trip or see if I can go with her tomorrow for a bit.
I think I might have a shower, I think it will help me relax.
Oh yeah, efexor is being put up to 300mg (from 225) and zyprexa is staying the same.
Yesterday's Fear
Yesterdays fear and happiness
is todays strength.
Surviving yet again
like the fish in a drought.
The smallest of life
is the largest in life
Today is yesterdays
sun on the horizon,
tomorrow is todays future
and the past is gone.
The present is here and is gone,
moving two steps forward
one step back.
Survival is not just for
the fittest,
its for the weak,
the scared and for the lost.
8/9/09 Day 22
Just need to fill in time today and rest before tomorrows big day out at home. I feel a little tired this morning but I think thats because I didnt go to bed til 10pm, my latest night by a long shot in here!
Gotta get another blood test done this morning to check my cholesterol levels, I hope it isn't too high, otherwise zyprexa will be changed to something else. But Im actually hanging for some toast hey! Wish I could eat - I have to fast for the test.
....Went out with Em for a bit this morning. I still got really anxious! I bought a few CD's (one being a 10pk of country music!!!), nail polish and face wash. We had lunch at the shops but gee I tell ya what Im feeling really worn out. It is just such hard work being in public with all those demands on you. I dunno how Im going to handle being at home tomorrow. I guess Ill find out soon though. Im looking forward to it hey!!
For J and A - Im not sure if I sent them this or I wrote it in my journal knowing that one day they would read it....
I owe you my life my dear friends. You were there for me when so many others weren't. You gave me no choice but to let you care and love me when I least deserved it.
When I look to the sunrise I think of the day in which I was not suppose to see, the day I was to turn into an angel.
You are teaching me that I am loved, that I matter. And as each day ends and starts another I more and more believe that I am strong and that I am a fighter.
If only we weren't so far apart.
Thank goodness for phone and computers!! :)
Winds Whispers
The freedom blew to her in
the winds whisper
coming at a gentle pace
so as not to scare her.
It was a welcomed relief
that she was to take
in her hands,
familiarity was finally
in reach of her finger tips.
The breeze brought her
a simmer of hope,
a longing for forgiveness,
peace within.
She felt triumph, courageous
at what had been achieved
as the whisper took away
her painful heart.
Sweet Child
As sweet as a lolly on a childs lips
so life is in the day of sunshine.
The air is a freshness that
only mountains know
during the morning mist.
Time runs smoothly,
the clock with never a jolt
passes from past to future
with an ease that an eagle knows.
The wings span the sky casting
a Shadow of relief on
the harsh cracked red dirt track.
and at the end of the track
is a pot of peace, sweet and innocent
as the child with the lolly
in ones hand.
Intersection
Looking forward
not looking back
not knowing which track to take
leaves a taste of uncertainty
in the mouth of the traveller.
She is strong
she knows hard work
she knows rest
but this pack of sticks
is a heavy burden,
like a choice between
daughters and sons.
Not knowing
not thinking
not feeling
is fear, hope and uncertainty.
Conscious waiting for help
she stands at lifes intersection
with a choice, with a fear
many have felt before her.
Looking left
looking right
it almost frightened her,
but not quite.
my heart is warm
my hope is alive
the delicious fragrance
of life is the ocean
of my soul.
The horizon glistens
like a ring with one
thousand diamonds.
Soaked in smiles
my eyes are looking
for something familiar,
something to
remind me of a life that
once existed,
where happiness flowed
over the boulders
of Micalong creek,
but for now its glarey,
hazy and Misty
yet calming
with the ocean of hope,
that surrounds the
island of life.
To wish you were here
instead of me;
you dont want to do that.
To be by my side through this
shows your true nature.
To visit, to talk, and be still
makes me feel special, loved.
A sister is what you are,
my sister is with me.
I count on you because I can
I believe in you when you say
this will pass.
You are a keeper,
my sister!
This is something that Emily (my sister, aka Mimim / Em) wrote in my journal when I wasn't looking:
To my sister and a good sister you are. I know I dont tell you enough but I love you and I wouldn't replace you for anyone. I wish I could explain to you the way I have been feeling lately but I cannt. I hurt for you. Seeing you struggle is breaking my heart and I feel nothing I say will ever be enough, but this hard time in you life will pass. We all love you for who you are and noone in your family is judging you even if at times you may feel we are. It doesn't matter what you do or say, nothing will change the fact that you rock and we are proud of you. You have no idea how much I respect you and wish I could be like you. You are the best mother ever and your kids are proof of that. God put you here on this earth for a reason and it was to make my life better which you do. So you just work on getting better so you can get home to those beautiful children. Just never forget that you are important and needed. Im sorry I dont tell you more often but your special to me and even in your hard times I wish I had your strength.
Anyhoo! before I cry Ill stop. Stay positive and when negativity creeps up just remember that you are special - that the most important thing, ok!
You'll be better before you know it and we'll be off to the Tea Club, yummy yummy!!
Love mimim xxx
ps, your a fab aunty!
Beside the Micalong
Be still a moment
and allow your heart to feel
and your soul to listen.
hear the birds sing
and feel their freedom
as they soar through the skies above.
Feel the water as it
flows over the Micalong.
The stillness of life,
the smell of life
is there in the open
paddock beside this creek.
The horses, the sheep
the cattle and their keepers
are still as the water flows
over the boulders,
while the birds sing for joy
among the clouds
where the wind whispers
lifes secrets.
be still and know that
life is good beside the Micalong.
(for those of you who dont know, Micalong is a creek at Wee Jasper - an hours drive west of Yass. Its my favorite camp, in the middle of a sheep station! Love it!!)
Ally and I have been swapping journals to read. Its like reading my own words. She is so cool and she has 4 kids too so we know how each other think and feel about kiddy things. And all our kids are the same age, pretty much! We've been keeping an eye on each other, she was real worried about me the other day when I wanted to hurt myself again. She keeps cutting herself to take the pain away. I know how she feels and can totally understand why she does it but I want her to stop and Im not sure if I can help - slap on the forehead for me!!
I hope we stay friends once she leaves and I leave. She wants to leave today but cannt so is going to try tomorrow. As much as I want her to go home, Ill miss her, but she needs to be home with her hubby and kids, not here with us loonies!!
My blood test from this morning shows my liver isn't working properly so they have taken more bloods, which my vein didnt want to give, and they are taking more in the morning again. They are hoping that its just a mix up. They thought that I had had an overdose on panadol or an extremely huge amount of alcohol the results were that bad. (And boy did they quiz me - there was Sinclair, her team of psych's and a stack of nurses quizzing me. I told them that Ive seen someone with a panadol overdose and if I was going to OD then panadol wouldn't be my choice! Its not going to kiill me - just make me need my stomach pumped - Im not that stupid!)
Just one more thing to deal with! depending on what the results are, they are going to send me to see the medical registrar tonight.
I need to rest my mind. Might go chill out to ACDC for a while.
I rang A to tell him 'cos I wasn't getting answers off Marie (she told me we would cross that hurdle when we get there). But now I feel real bad 'cos I interrupted him with a patient. I hope I can talk to him later, probably wont though - he will finish later cos he's working tonight.
The blood congealed in one of the samples so they had to take it again but one sample come back with normal panadol levels - dar!!
A tried ringing but I didnt see my phone light up (its on silent). feel heaps bad for interrupting him hey!
Might have a shower, that could fill in time til the results come back. Oh far out, how nerve wrecking is this - my liver has started to fail and they dont know why!!
I painted my nails a nice dark dark purple called 'deliciously dark'. Its a beautiful colour - matches my hair - minus the purple tint. I love my hair this colour.
Ok, so Im still waiting and still haven't had a shower - I wont be able to enjoy it. Although its nearly 8pm and 'Packed to the Rafters' is on tonight and I want to watch it.
C'MON MARIE!!!!
ok, my LFT is quite high so ANOTHER blood test needed in the morning. But it means no more zyprexa and cannt have Tamaz tonight either.
...its like 11pm and I cannt sleep hey! My mind is too busy so Im sitting on the toilet (lid down of course!) writing away cos my phone and ipod are flat.
A rang back and left a message saying that I dont (or shouldn't) need to worry about the blood test - although he didnt know the levels. He sounds like a typical doctor when he's in doctor mode leaving a message but get him away from medicine and he is cool and calm and relaxed. J is always cool and calm even though she says she loses it big time.
Im so scared about tomorrow. Im scared that for starters that Im not asleep yet and when I dont sleep I have a crap day. Secondly I haven't had zyprexa which, from what I gather, is a stabiliser and thirdly I have no PRN for tomorrow or at all anymore. And my anxiety levels are starting to climb through the roof and its not even tomorrow yet.
Im so worried that I will get hime and have a HUGE anxiety attack and not be able to cope. What if I have a seriously bad day?!? Im going to be nearly an hour away from here. Not good I tell ya!
What if Im so jittery tomorrow that I cannt enjoy being with Nath and the kids? I just want to be me but I dont know who me is anymore! Im a list of achievements, Im a human doing, I need to be a human being.
I cannt wait til tonight is over with and tomorrow is here.
I gotta hide my phone - its in here so might as well leave it here, might use the box room, maybe not. I could use the very top shelf at the back of the cupboard - noone would look there and Kly wouldn't be able to get her fat ass up that high ;)
Good old Harry Potter here! Did I write about him already? Anyway, he is an old bloke with Bi Polar and he introduced himself to me the other day looking down my dress. So I told him 'eyes up here harry potter' hahaha, he's a pain in the neck but I give him a bit of lip and its all good. he did a magic show yesterday for us and pur his video on today. He has bursts of tears all of a sudden and thinks he's dying!
Then, the same day, I think 2 days ago, Drew, another one with Bi Polar said something soooo random! "You have good boobs". What is it with my boobs??? drew came up yesturday and tearfully apologised for his behaviour. Other than this he is a nice guy. Kinda looks like , oh what do you call them....a pixi...yeah like a pixi lol.
My hands are sore from writing so quickly. Gotta write quick cos my thoughts will race away from me and Ill forget them otherwise.
Hang what they think - I think I need Tamaz. But X is right - she said Id be buzzing tomorrow and I am. Im so wide awake its crazy!!!
23/9/09 day 23
Well, its just gone midnight and Ive ended up having a Tamaz to put me to sleep but it wont kick in for a while. So Ill just sit and think and write hey!
Only a few odd pages left and I can start writing in my new journal. Its the same as this one. Going to try and keep getting the same ones and keep them bound for the future. Sounds good I reckon!
...finally fell asleep last night and its 6.30 now so not a lot of sleep but I got some. Im so excited hey!
I wanna jump out of bed now and get ready but seriously, wouldn't have anything to do. Im going to take my journal with me so I can escape into it if I need to. gotta take my ipod and the charger cos Im going to put more music on it - the CD's that I bought yesterday. I hope Ally wakes up feeling like she can cope. Im so worried about her. The cops cannt force her to return if she goes on leave and doesn't come back. She scares me when she is really down and gets the suicidal urges like Ive had. Fingers crossed she stays strong like I know she can be. She is a very cool friend and Im so glad we have met. She is my rock in here, we can sit still for 10 minutes and not say a word to each other, and thats ok. We know each others pain, its like looking into a mirror. If we swap journals again and she reads this I want you to know Ally that you are strong and you can fight this. Enjoy your babies at home and make sure you dont return to Mirrabook - as much as I will miss you, I dont want you back here xoxox
Im so tempted to get up and get dressed and get things ready for today. I cannt wait!
Blood test - check
breakfast - check
dirty clothes - check
me - check
meds - check
Yay now just to wait til Em gets here and away we go for the day!! Its going to hit me in the car I reckon. Ohh!! Im soooooo excited!!
Well Ive been at home and now Im back. It went ok, much better than what I thought really. My anxiety levels were up and down like a yo-yo all day. I had a wonderful time with the kids, Kasey didnt go to school so it was nice having her there. Bridie was great fun! But at about 3pm-ish I had a massive urge to stab myself with a knife and I started punching myself on the chest really hard. That urge is so bad!! Its like you become possessed and the devil takes over your whole body. nath was there and he took me outside and distracted me. I knew it was going to happen. It ruined the rest of the arvo though for me. We got ready to go soon after that because Nath has to work tonight and if I had stayed for tea then he wouldnt get home til 8.30ish and wouldn't have had a sleep before work. I wasn't very talkative on the way home but Nath understood why (home as in Mirrabook). He thinks i did really well today and that it was really successful and that I have come a long way. He reckons Im much better than I was. He was real positive the whole day.
Im negative about it. Yes, I enjoyed being with him and the kids, yes I was kinda cheerful, yes I managed to feel like I didnt have to do anything, but me - inside this body was feeling crap! It was like I was struggling again to keep control of myself. My anxiety was all over the place and I did lots of breathing to help it.
But when that urge to kill myself came over me was like nothing else! But it definitely wasn't as insane as that Thursday night. Maybe 'cos I could tell Nath straight away and he was there for me, unlike that Thursday night where it was me in the dark with noone other than A on the end of the phone.
I dont want to kill myself but now that all that is over I dont even feel like I have succeeded. I dont feel any better. I dont feel stronger for it. It took me by surprise , I didnt see it coming. It was like I smashed my head against a brick wall that has popped out in front of me from thin air!!
I feel so fatigued, so tired from today. I felt like I fought again eveil all day long. I dont want to sleep, I just need to escape this shit!
They took my belt off me!!!
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
END OF JOURNAL #1
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
4-6/9/09 day 18 - 20
4/9/09 Day 18
Im anxious already again this morning. My heart rate is 98 and Im quite shaky (although my hand writing is ok at this point). G (on of the RNs) suggested taking seroquel before I go out but I dont want to rely on it. Ill just take it when I get back.
I played the piano for a bit this morning to calm myself down but it didnt really work hey!
Im going to get them to put my ipod on charge while Im gone so i can listen to it when I get back.
Ive been sleeping ok at night. The last 2 mornings Ive woken up at 5am and eventually got back to sleep this morning. The zyprexa doesn't make me sleepy anymore at night like it use to the first time I had it. Ive been getting to sleep pretty well too. (although, this is all drug induced and no where near natural sleep). In the mornings I dont feel like crap like the seroquel made me feel. When I was taking that I wasn't getting out of bed til like 9am and now Im getting up at 7.30ish! Zyprexa is soooo much better than seroquel but seroquel is good for the nerves. I hope that when I do go home that Ill bee able to have a script for seroquel as well as zyprexa and efexor.
The world has got a little dizzy this morning just before so I did some breathing to relax and it has taken the edge off a little. Wish mum would hurry up and get here :)
....Shopping went ok with Mum. I felt pretty good when I got in the car but after all the shopping I was pretty anxious and it got worse when I got back here, so Ive had seroquel to calm me down. Mum bought me stacks of stuff. I got 3 nice tops from Rockmans, 2 dresses from Prototype, jeans from target (like I need more lol), 2 t-shirts and shoes frokm Colorado. For lunch we had a yummy spinach and ricotta sausage roll too . Oh and a handbag too from Colorado.
(I also had to go to IMB while I was there and do some transfering for the mortgage, which to Mums surprise, I was able to do - remember the access codes etc, knew what I was doing without a glitch - didnt think anything of it until I saw Mum looking at me quite suprised and when she told Sinclair about it - to which Sinclair thought that that was brilliant! A sign i was getting ready to go home - like Im going to forget numbers!! As if!! This is just one thing I DONT forget or fail at!!)
Im not as anxious as yesturday cos my handwriting isn't as bad and I had seroquel earlier into being back than I did yesturday.
Joh is coming up on Sunday and we are off to have a nice coffee - cannt wait!!
...Just had meeting with X, going to keep me on 2hrs escorted leave and she wants to see Mum on monday or tuesday arvo. She said my cholesterol was a little elevated but will check it again next week and if it has raised she will take me off zyprexa (damn!!) Hope my cholesterol is ok etc cos I dont wanna change meds hey, although zyprexa makes you crave carbs! (those little 2 pack of bikkies in the ice cream container next to the coffee machine never looked so good!)....so changing COULD be a good thing..
5/9/09 DAY 19
Have woken a little anxious again today. But Im sitting in the courtyard reading my new book.
....The nerves have gone for the time being and for the first time in a long time I feel happy and feel a lot less depressed. Today I feel like I can tackle whatever life has to offer. Today I feel like my smiles and my happiness is not a mask. Today I feel like I have conquered hell. I am strong and I am a fighter and I am a survivor. Ive put make up on and Im wearing a dress (OMG!!!!), my hair is a beautiful black (which X of course if analysing!! She is actually amazed I did it myself....I offered to do hers....and almost said yes lol). I wonder if being dressed up has helped??
I cannt believe Ive nearly filled this journal, must admit its used up 2 pens!! Ive managed to survive yet another bed strip!! They sooooooo cannt trust me hey!! They cannt trust us quiet, well behaved ones hey!! Dunno what I would do if I couldn't have full access to J and A. It would be an 'a' class nightmare!!
....The park was lots of fun and the kids really enjoyed it. I didnt even think about how I was feeling until mum asked me when we were getting ready to go - why did she have to do that for goodness sake!
Seed of hope
Somewhere deep in my heart
is a buried seed,
a seed of hope.
It isn't even a light,
I cannt see any light to
guide me out of this cruel
and unfair world.
But that seed of hope
has always existed,
and it implants itself
in my mind.
its power is strong,
it makes me feel that
one day everything will
be alright.
It is my escape
and my dream.
Ally and I have had a great afternoon laughing at Kly and stories of her, and Monik and my room mate Bc. who is noisy as all hell and a new patient, old bloke, who calls himself Harry Potter but he has managed to get himself into 'the bin' (seclusion, lock up, the bin.....) by S (HASA) so its been a really good and entertaining this arvo!
Mum didnt quiz me about having the arm flexi on today (or yesturday either). I told her it was to cover the hospital band; which it was too, but the cuts too.
My writing has got heaps messy lately huh! oh well!
Ive been heaps dizzy sort of lately, like the world is rocking and I get that moving feeling (like when your crossing the Tasman in massive swells!) when Ive been laying in bed with my eyes shut. So Ill need to tell the Dr's about that tomorrow. Mum is coming up too to see Sinclair - not tomorrow - Monday....
6/9/09 day 20
I woke up with MASSIVE chest pain during the night. It was like a stabbing pain! My Ob's were normal and my HR was 108BPM. I had an ECG which came back normal. They put it down to an anxiety attack! But in the middle of the night where I was in sheer excruciating pain??!!
This morning I just feel tired - maybe from a bad night sleep but its a different tired. I feel depressed tired. Ive only just become tight chested and I feel a little anxious. Its like Im worried about something, about going out in public this arvo with Joh. Im not sure what it is, I feel like curling up in my little hole and not coming out of it today. I just feel like shit!
Amanda (one of the patients) wants to me teach her some piano (god that girl can talk ya ear off hey!!) but I dont really want to, I dont want to think about piano or music or performance or teaching or even look at the piano! I just want to sit down and be able to play trouble free - not struggle and forget how a piece goes. Its frustrating and I hate it with a passion!!!!!
Im scared of going home and having to face reality. What if I cannt cope? what happens if I want to hurt myself, not that I want to but when the urge comes its so hard to hold back!
I want to cut my arm again and take the pain in my soul away and put it somewhere else. But Ive promised the psych's and J that I wont do it again. I hate making promises cos then I have to keep them, I hate breaking promises, HATE IT!!
I think I need to go talk to C or one of the other nurses. I just want this feeling to stop! I want to and need to focus on something else for a while.
I cannt cry still either. Its like my tears have gone on a holiday - Ive got no tears left it seems!!
....I cried!! All I want to do is die, I want to hang myself and end all this pain.
I want to use my bedsheets and jump from a balcony. Ive had to take a seroquel - Ally went and told one of the nurses. C asked if I have a plan, i said no, but I do - bed sheets and a balcony.
I just want all this pain to stop and depression to leave!! I want to be able to focus on something else. Ive picked at one of my scabs on my arm to make it bleed. I want to bleed, i want to die and I want to feel free.
But I dont want to hurt Nath and I dont want to hurt the kids. Suicide wont hurt me, it will hurt everyone else and that sucks!
I feel really weak today, like Ive got no muscle to help me walk. Even carrying this journal is hard work. I feel slightly dopey from the seroquel. Even writing is an effort right now. Lucky my body automatically breaths for me cos I wouldn't breath if I had to force myself.
Everything is taking all the energy that I have.
I cried a million tears
I cried with not only
with tears
but with my heart.
My tears came on
that box car of the
ever-rolling train.
The train that carries
my soul away.
Soaked in sadness
soaked in fear
drenched in depression
fails to bring hope
that the red dirt road
gives.
My heart bleeds
as my eyes cry
a million tears.
You made them do it
you twisted their minds,
you make my mind jolt
you twist my soul
so that it bleeds.
you wake me mid-night
you squeeze the life
out of me.
You wrap your barbed wire
hands around my soul
squeezing as tight
as you can.
You make me hate
you take my love
you have taken my life
no longer am I free
no longer can I breath.
The thoughts of killing myself are different to before. Im not laughing this time. Its like Ive become serious about it now and I wasn't before (although they will analyse this differently).
Im soooo tired from fighting my demons, I feel tired from having to live up to the expectation of being someone who 'should' be a fighter. I dont want to fight. I dont want to feel like crap!! Im only alive still because of my family. I know I should be foing htis for me but all I want to do is give up, not do this anymore!!
My body feels heavy, my arms weigh a tonne, and my head feels heavy. So are my eye lids, they just want to shut but my eyes sting when they shut.
Its sooo bizarre how I feel. One half of me is saying 'FIGHT' while the other half says 'GIVE IN' (these halves are not 50/50....more like 90/10 - bad/good). How is it possible to do one thing or think about it when you really dont want to ? How can I want to hang myself when I have a wonderful family - a beautiful hubby and gorgeous kids? Surely thats super wrong!!
I cannt wait til Joh gets here, maybe going out for a while will cheer me up a little, maybe not! I need to be safe and I am with Joh.
......Had a good time with joh. Had a coffee at the shops, went for a nice long walk for 30min and then nipped into coles quickly so I could get a few things. She came back here for a while.
I didnt eat dinner tonight. I dont feel like eating, I dont want to put weight on and Ive already put some one since being in here. Plus I wasn't all that hungry either.
N just said my whole look has changed - that I look worse than before, like Ive let my wall down and they can see whats really going on - they really can see the depression now. (Take note - we are VERY good at hiding depression us humans....so much that even the professionals struggle to pick it up unless words are spoken!).
Thats probably because Ive cried today and they have seen it, Im not being fake anymore.
But at the same time Joh said I looked really good and that you cannt tell whats going on on the inside.
I wish I was a train
carrying my troubles.
My tears and fears
to worlds end.
I wish I was a train
for a train cannt weep
and a train cannt feel.
I wish I was a train
so my heart is warm
and my hope is alive.
Let my spirit ride
on that ever-rolling train.
leave all my worries behind
in the fire,
let the flames dance
oh how I wish I was a train.
The sun rises and the sun sets
the clouds move across the sky
the stars glisten on the dark backdrop
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
The wind whispers the secrets of life
the flowers blossom
and the trees lose their leaves
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
Spring comes and goes,
the snow falls and melts,
the desert sun ripples across the
horizon as a mirage forms
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
A baby is born and the elderly die
children play and daddy's work
the sun rises and the sun sets
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
Im anxious already again this morning. My heart rate is 98 and Im quite shaky (although my hand writing is ok at this point). G (on of the RNs) suggested taking seroquel before I go out but I dont want to rely on it. Ill just take it when I get back.
I played the piano for a bit this morning to calm myself down but it didnt really work hey!
Im going to get them to put my ipod on charge while Im gone so i can listen to it when I get back.
Ive been sleeping ok at night. The last 2 mornings Ive woken up at 5am and eventually got back to sleep this morning. The zyprexa doesn't make me sleepy anymore at night like it use to the first time I had it. Ive been getting to sleep pretty well too. (although, this is all drug induced and no where near natural sleep). In the mornings I dont feel like crap like the seroquel made me feel. When I was taking that I wasn't getting out of bed til like 9am and now Im getting up at 7.30ish! Zyprexa is soooo much better than seroquel but seroquel is good for the nerves. I hope that when I do go home that Ill bee able to have a script for seroquel as well as zyprexa and efexor.
The world has got a little dizzy this morning just before so I did some breathing to relax and it has taken the edge off a little. Wish mum would hurry up and get here :)
....Shopping went ok with Mum. I felt pretty good when I got in the car but after all the shopping I was pretty anxious and it got worse when I got back here, so Ive had seroquel to calm me down. Mum bought me stacks of stuff. I got 3 nice tops from Rockmans, 2 dresses from Prototype, jeans from target (like I need more lol), 2 t-shirts and shoes frokm Colorado. For lunch we had a yummy spinach and ricotta sausage roll too . Oh and a handbag too from Colorado.
(I also had to go to IMB while I was there and do some transfering for the mortgage, which to Mums surprise, I was able to do - remember the access codes etc, knew what I was doing without a glitch - didnt think anything of it until I saw Mum looking at me quite suprised and when she told Sinclair about it - to which Sinclair thought that that was brilliant! A sign i was getting ready to go home - like Im going to forget numbers!! As if!! This is just one thing I DONT forget or fail at!!)
Im not as anxious as yesturday cos my handwriting isn't as bad and I had seroquel earlier into being back than I did yesturday.
Joh is coming up on Sunday and we are off to have a nice coffee - cannt wait!!
...Just had meeting with X, going to keep me on 2hrs escorted leave and she wants to see Mum on monday or tuesday arvo. She said my cholesterol was a little elevated but will check it again next week and if it has raised she will take me off zyprexa (damn!!) Hope my cholesterol is ok etc cos I dont wanna change meds hey, although zyprexa makes you crave carbs! (those little 2 pack of bikkies in the ice cream container next to the coffee machine never looked so good!)....so changing COULD be a good thing..
5/9/09 DAY 19
Have woken a little anxious again today. But Im sitting in the courtyard reading my new book.
....The nerves have gone for the time being and for the first time in a long time I feel happy and feel a lot less depressed. Today I feel like I can tackle whatever life has to offer. Today I feel like my smiles and my happiness is not a mask. Today I feel like I have conquered hell. I am strong and I am a fighter and I am a survivor. Ive put make up on and Im wearing a dress (OMG!!!!), my hair is a beautiful black (which X of course if analysing!! She is actually amazed I did it myself....I offered to do hers....and almost said yes lol). I wonder if being dressed up has helped??
I cannt believe Ive nearly filled this journal, must admit its used up 2 pens!! Ive managed to survive yet another bed strip!! They sooooooo cannt trust me hey!! They cannt trust us quiet, well behaved ones hey!! Dunno what I would do if I couldn't have full access to J and A. It would be an 'a' class nightmare!!
....The park was lots of fun and the kids really enjoyed it. I didnt even think about how I was feeling until mum asked me when we were getting ready to go - why did she have to do that for goodness sake!
Seed of hope
Somewhere deep in my heart
is a buried seed,
a seed of hope.
It isn't even a light,
I cannt see any light to
guide me out of this cruel
and unfair world.
But that seed of hope
has always existed,
and it implants itself
in my mind.
its power is strong,
it makes me feel that
one day everything will
be alright.
It is my escape
and my dream.
Ally and I have had a great afternoon laughing at Kly and stories of her, and Monik and my room mate Bc. who is noisy as all hell and a new patient, old bloke, who calls himself Harry Potter but he has managed to get himself into 'the bin' (seclusion, lock up, the bin.....) by S (HASA) so its been a really good and entertaining this arvo!
Mum didnt quiz me about having the arm flexi on today (or yesturday either). I told her it was to cover the hospital band; which it was too, but the cuts too.
My writing has got heaps messy lately huh! oh well!
Ive been heaps dizzy sort of lately, like the world is rocking and I get that moving feeling (like when your crossing the Tasman in massive swells!) when Ive been laying in bed with my eyes shut. So Ill need to tell the Dr's about that tomorrow. Mum is coming up too to see Sinclair - not tomorrow - Monday....
6/9/09 day 20
I woke up with MASSIVE chest pain during the night. It was like a stabbing pain! My Ob's were normal and my HR was 108BPM. I had an ECG which came back normal. They put it down to an anxiety attack! But in the middle of the night where I was in sheer excruciating pain??!!
This morning I just feel tired - maybe from a bad night sleep but its a different tired. I feel depressed tired. Ive only just become tight chested and I feel a little anxious. Its like Im worried about something, about going out in public this arvo with Joh. Im not sure what it is, I feel like curling up in my little hole and not coming out of it today. I just feel like shit!
Amanda (one of the patients) wants to me teach her some piano (god that girl can talk ya ear off hey!!) but I dont really want to, I dont want to think about piano or music or performance or teaching or even look at the piano! I just want to sit down and be able to play trouble free - not struggle and forget how a piece goes. Its frustrating and I hate it with a passion!!!!!
Im scared of going home and having to face reality. What if I cannt cope? what happens if I want to hurt myself, not that I want to but when the urge comes its so hard to hold back!
I want to cut my arm again and take the pain in my soul away and put it somewhere else. But Ive promised the psych's and J that I wont do it again. I hate making promises cos then I have to keep them, I hate breaking promises, HATE IT!!
I think I need to go talk to C or one of the other nurses. I just want this feeling to stop! I want to and need to focus on something else for a while.
I cannt cry still either. Its like my tears have gone on a holiday - Ive got no tears left it seems!!
....I cried!! All I want to do is die, I want to hang myself and end all this pain.
I want to use my bedsheets and jump from a balcony. Ive had to take a seroquel - Ally went and told one of the nurses. C asked if I have a plan, i said no, but I do - bed sheets and a balcony.
I just want all this pain to stop and depression to leave!! I want to be able to focus on something else. Ive picked at one of my scabs on my arm to make it bleed. I want to bleed, i want to die and I want to feel free.
But I dont want to hurt Nath and I dont want to hurt the kids. Suicide wont hurt me, it will hurt everyone else and that sucks!
I feel really weak today, like Ive got no muscle to help me walk. Even carrying this journal is hard work. I feel slightly dopey from the seroquel. Even writing is an effort right now. Lucky my body automatically breaths for me cos I wouldn't breath if I had to force myself.
Everything is taking all the energy that I have.
I cried a million tears
I cried with not only
with tears
but with my heart.
My tears came on
that box car of the
ever-rolling train.
The train that carries
my soul away.
Soaked in sadness
soaked in fear
drenched in depression
fails to bring hope
that the red dirt road
gives.
My heart bleeds
as my eyes cry
a million tears.
You made them do it
you twisted their minds,
you make my mind jolt
you twist my soul
so that it bleeds.
you wake me mid-night
you squeeze the life
out of me.
You wrap your barbed wire
hands around my soul
squeezing as tight
as you can.
You make me hate
you take my love
you have taken my life
no longer am I free
no longer can I breath.
The thoughts of killing myself are different to before. Im not laughing this time. Its like Ive become serious about it now and I wasn't before (although they will analyse this differently).
Im soooo tired from fighting my demons, I feel tired from having to live up to the expectation of being someone who 'should' be a fighter. I dont want to fight. I dont want to feel like crap!! Im only alive still because of my family. I know I should be foing htis for me but all I want to do is give up, not do this anymore!!
My body feels heavy, my arms weigh a tonne, and my head feels heavy. So are my eye lids, they just want to shut but my eyes sting when they shut.
Its sooo bizarre how I feel. One half of me is saying 'FIGHT' while the other half says 'GIVE IN' (these halves are not 50/50....more like 90/10 - bad/good). How is it possible to do one thing or think about it when you really dont want to ? How can I want to hang myself when I have a wonderful family - a beautiful hubby and gorgeous kids? Surely thats super wrong!!
I cannt wait til Joh gets here, maybe going out for a while will cheer me up a little, maybe not! I need to be safe and I am with Joh.
......Had a good time with joh. Had a coffee at the shops, went for a nice long walk for 30min and then nipped into coles quickly so I could get a few things. She came back here for a while.
I didnt eat dinner tonight. I dont feel like eating, I dont want to put weight on and Ive already put some one since being in here. Plus I wasn't all that hungry either.
N just said my whole look has changed - that I look worse than before, like Ive let my wall down and they can see whats really going on - they really can see the depression now. (Take note - we are VERY good at hiding depression us humans....so much that even the professionals struggle to pick it up unless words are spoken!).
Thats probably because Ive cried today and they have seen it, Im not being fake anymore.
But at the same time Joh said I looked really good and that you cannt tell whats going on on the inside.
I wish I was a train
carrying my troubles.
My tears and fears
to worlds end.
I wish I was a train
for a train cannt weep
and a train cannt feel.
I wish I was a train
so my heart is warm
and my hope is alive.
Let my spirit ride
on that ever-rolling train.
leave all my worries behind
in the fire,
let the flames dance
oh how I wish I was a train.
The sun rises and the sun sets
the clouds move across the sky
the stars glisten on the dark backdrop
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
The wind whispers the secrets of life
the flowers blossom
and the trees lose their leaves
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
Spring comes and goes,
the snow falls and melts,
the desert sun ripples across the
horizon as a mirage forms
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
A baby is born and the elderly die
children play and daddy's work
the sun rises and the sun sets
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
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