7-9/9/09 day 21-23

7/9/09 Day 21
I hope today is a good day. I dont want yesterday to be a big deal, I dont want them to keep me here longer because of it. I need to be home. I dont want the nurses, or the doctors, to be concerned about me to the point that they say I have to stay here longer.
I want to be home, I need to be home. I am feeling heaps better than what I was before. Just 'cos Ive had one bad day doesn't mean Ill have to stay does it? I hope not 'cos if thats the case Ill never get home, ever!
I still cannt believe I cried yesterday! Thought that was a good thing, yeah?
I really really hope the meeting with X, Mum and Nathan goes well this arvo but I dont think it will. Fingers crossed for some good news for once!!
....Annie said that I have a lot of the staff concerned, that is a good thing in a way but at the same time its not - they need to know that Im safe before they will let me home and if lots of the nurses are concerned about my safety then they obviously thing Im not safe. I told her that I dont want to think these things about harming myself but I do think them. She said she has finally been able to see what Im feeling instead of me saying 'I want to kill myself' with a smile on my face. She saw me crying yesterday, so did C and another nurses. My barriers have come down, the real Laura is shining.
Just played piano for everyone, they really enjoyed 'Sarabande'. Its the only one I dont struggle with.
Its raining today.
Dad just came to visit, was nice! He is so worried about me, everyone is. He feels helpless, like, he wants to help but doesn't know how.
We had the meeting this arvo for an hour. It went pretty good, I think. Mum told X about my childhood and the issues I had in yr 11 & 12 and they both agree that I had depression those 2yrs and also a hint of it after Jonty was born, and definitely after Bridie was born although she hasn't come to the final decision on my diagnosis. Mum and Nathan have a plan with how things will be dealt with when I get home and Sinclair likes it. So I get to go home for the day on Wednesday and if Im up for it, Friday too and if they are successful then I get to spend Sunday night at home so that I can talk to X on Monday arvo and if Sunday night is a fizzer then I can do Monday night and talk to them on Tuesday arvo.
It was really distressing having to talk about my suicide ideas and I cried a bit and had to take deep breaths. It was really stressful being the centre of attention but now a few hours later I have calmed down and feel good. Cannt wait to see the kids.
But, Im basically going to be here for another couple of weeks, just to have more leave - bigger leave!
It sucks 'cos Ive been here for 3 weeks, so you do the maths - 5 weeks is insane!! I feel like Im really slack, like Im having a holiday and Nath isn't getting one.
I so need to think about getting a new journal - hopefully the same look. Might have to send Em on a trip or see if I can go with her tomorrow for a bit.
I think I might have a shower, I think it will help me relax.
Oh yeah, efexor is being put up to 300mg (from 225) and zyprexa is staying the same.

Yesterday's Fear
Yesterdays fear and happiness
is todays strength.
Surviving yet again
like the fish in a drought.
The smallest of life
is the largest in life
Today is yesterdays
sun on the horizon,
tomorrow is todays future
and the past is gone.
The present is here and is gone,
moving two steps forward
one step back.
Survival is not just for
the fittest,
its for the weak,
the scared and for the lost.

8/9/09 Day 22
Just need to fill in time today and rest before tomorrows big day out at home. I feel a little tired this morning but I think thats because I didnt go to bed til 10pm, my latest night by a long shot in here!
Gotta get another blood test done this morning to check my cholesterol levels, I hope it isn't too high, otherwise zyprexa will be changed to something else. But Im actually hanging for some toast hey! Wish I could eat - I have to fast for the test.
....Went out with Em for a bit this morning. I still got really anxious! I bought a few CD's (one being a 10pk of country music!!!), nail polish and face wash. We had lunch at the shops but gee I tell ya what Im feeling really worn out. It is just such hard work being in public with all those demands on you. I dunno how Im going to handle being at home tomorrow. I guess Ill find out soon though. Im looking forward to it hey!!

For J and A - Im not sure if I sent them this or I wrote it in my journal knowing that one day they would read it....

I owe you my life my dear friends. You were there for me when so many others weren't. You gave me no choice but to let you care and love me when I least deserved it.
When I look to the sunrise I think of the day in which I was not suppose to see, the day I was to turn into an angel.
You are teaching me that I am loved, that I matter. And as each day ends and starts another I more and more believe that I am strong and that I am a fighter.
If only we weren't so far apart.
Thank goodness for phone and computers!! :)

Winds Whispers
The freedom blew to her in
the winds whisper
coming at a gentle pace
so as not to scare her.
It was a welcomed relief
that she was to take
in her hands,
familiarity was finally
in reach of her finger tips.
The breeze brought her
a simmer of hope,
a longing for forgiveness,
peace within.
She felt triumph, courageous
at what had been achieved
as the whisper took away
her painful heart.

Sweet Child
As sweet as a lolly on a childs lips
so life is in the day of sunshine.
The air is a freshness that
only mountains know
during the morning mist.
Time runs smoothly,
the clock with never a jolt
passes from past to future
with an ease that an eagle knows.
The wings span the sky casting
a Shadow of relief on
the harsh cracked red dirt track.
and at the end of the track
is a pot of peace, sweet and innocent
as the child with the lolly
in ones hand.

Intersection
Looking forward
not looking back
not knowing which track to take
leaves a taste of uncertainty
in the mouth of the traveller.
She is strong
she knows hard work
she knows rest
but this pack of sticks
is a heavy burden,
like a choice between
daughters and sons.
Not knowing
not thinking
not feeling
is fear, hope and uncertainty.
Conscious waiting for help
she stands at lifes intersection
with a choice, with a fear
many have felt before her.
Looking left
looking right
it almost frightened her,
but not quite.


my heart is warm
my hope is alive
the delicious fragrance
of life is the ocean
of my soul.
The horizon glistens
like a ring with one
thousand diamonds.
Soaked in smiles
my eyes are looking
for something familiar,
something to
remind me of a life that
once existed,
where happiness flowed
over the boulders
of Micalong creek,
but for now its glarey,
hazy and Misty
yet calming
with the ocean of hope,
that surrounds the
island of life.


To wish you were here
instead of me;
you dont want to do that.
To be by my side through this
shows your true nature.
To visit, to talk, and be still
makes me feel special, loved.
A sister is what you are,
my sister is with me.
I count on you because I can
I believe in you when you say
this will pass.
You are a keeper,
my sister!

This is something that Emily (my sister, aka Mimim / Em) wrote in my journal when I wasn't looking:

To my sister and a good sister you are. I know I dont tell you enough but I love you and I wouldn't replace you for anyone. I wish I could explain to you the way I have been feeling lately but I cannt. I hurt for you. Seeing you struggle is breaking my heart and I feel nothing I say will ever be enough, but this hard time in you life will pass. We all love you for who you are and noone in your family is judging you even if at times you may feel we are. It doesn't matter what you do or say, nothing will change the fact that you rock and we are proud of you. You have no idea how much I respect you and wish I could be like you. You are the best mother ever and your kids are proof of that. God put you here on this earth for a reason and it was to make my life better which you do. So you just work on getting better so you can get home to those beautiful children. Just never forget that you are important and needed. Im sorry I dont tell you more often but your special to me and even in your hard times I wish I had your strength.
Anyhoo! before I cry Ill stop. Stay positive and when negativity creeps up just remember that you are special - that the most important thing, ok!
You'll be better before you know it and we'll be off to the Tea Club, yummy yummy!!

Love mimim xxx
ps, your a fab aunty!

Beside the Micalong
Be still a moment
and allow your heart to feel
and your soul to listen.
hear the birds sing
and feel their freedom
as they soar through the skies above.
Feel the water as it
flows over the Micalong.
The stillness of life,
the smell of life
is there in the open
paddock beside this creek.
The horses, the sheep
the cattle and their keepers
are still as the water flows
over the boulders,
while the birds sing for joy
among the clouds
where the wind whispers
lifes secrets.
be still and know that
life is good beside the Micalong.

(for those of you who dont know, Micalong is a creek at Wee Jasper - an hours drive west of Yass. Its my favorite camp, in the middle of a sheep station! Love it!!)

Ally and I have been swapping journals to read. Its like reading my own words. She is so cool and she has 4 kids too so we know how each other think and feel about kiddy things. And all our kids are the same age, pretty much! We've been keeping an eye on each other, she was real worried about me the other day when I wanted to hurt myself again. She keeps cutting herself to take the pain away. I know how she feels and can totally understand why she does it but I want her to stop and Im not sure if I can help - slap on the forehead for me!!
I hope we stay friends once she leaves and I leave. She wants to leave today but cannt so is going to try tomorrow. As much as I want her to go home, Ill miss her, but she needs to be home with her hubby and kids, not here with us loonies!!
My blood test from this morning shows my liver isn't working properly so they have taken more bloods, which my vein didnt want to give, and they are taking more in the morning again. They are hoping that its just a mix up. They thought that I had had an overdose on panadol or an extremely huge amount of alcohol the results were that bad. (And boy did they quiz me - there was Sinclair, her team of psych's and a stack of nurses quizzing me. I told them that Ive seen someone with a panadol overdose and if I was going to OD then panadol wouldn't be my choice! Its not going to kiill me - just make me need my stomach pumped - Im not that stupid!)
Just one more thing to deal with! depending on what the results are, they are going to send me to see the medical registrar tonight.
I need to rest my mind. Might go chill out to ACDC for a while.
I rang A to tell him 'cos I wasn't getting answers off Marie (she told me we would cross that hurdle when we get there). But now I feel real bad 'cos I interrupted him with a patient. I hope I can talk to him later, probably wont though - he will finish later cos he's working tonight.
The blood congealed in one of the samples so they had to take it again but one sample come back with normal panadol levels - dar!!
A tried ringing but I didnt see my phone light up (its on silent). feel heaps bad for interrupting him hey!
Might have a shower, that could fill in time til the results come back. Oh far out, how nerve wrecking is this - my liver has started to fail and they dont know why!!
I painted my nails a nice dark dark purple called 'deliciously dark'. Its a beautiful colour - matches my hair - minus the purple tint. I love my hair this colour.
Ok, so Im still waiting and still haven't had a shower - I wont be able to enjoy it. Although its nearly 8pm and 'Packed to the Rafters' is on tonight and I want to watch it.
C'MON MARIE!!!!
ok, my LFT is quite high so ANOTHER blood test needed in the morning. But it means no more zyprexa and cannt have Tamaz tonight either.
...its like 11pm and I cannt sleep hey! My mind is too busy so Im sitting on the toilet (lid down of course!) writing away cos my phone and ipod are flat.
A rang back and left a message saying that I dont (or shouldn't) need to worry about the blood test - although he didnt know the levels. He sounds like a typical doctor when he's in doctor mode leaving a message but get him away from medicine and he is cool and calm and relaxed. J is always cool and calm even though she says she loses it big time.
Im so scared about tomorrow. Im scared that for starters that Im not asleep yet and when I dont sleep I have a crap day. Secondly I haven't had zyprexa which, from what I gather, is a stabiliser and thirdly I have no PRN for tomorrow or at all anymore. And my anxiety levels are starting to climb through the roof and its not even tomorrow yet.
Im so worried that I will get hime and have a HUGE anxiety attack and not be able to cope. What if I have a seriously bad day?!? Im going to be nearly an hour away from here. Not good I tell ya!
What if Im so jittery tomorrow that I cannt enjoy being with Nath and the kids? I just want to be me but I dont know who me is anymore! Im a list of achievements, Im a human doing, I need to be a human being.
I cannt wait til tonight is over with and tomorrow is here.
I gotta hide my phone - its in here so might as well leave it here, might use the box room, maybe not. I could use the very top shelf at the back of the cupboard - noone would look there and Kly wouldn't be able to get her fat ass up that high ;)
Good old Harry Potter here! Did I write about him already? Anyway, he is an old bloke with Bi Polar and he introduced himself to me the other day looking down my dress. So I told him 'eyes up here harry potter' hahaha, he's a pain in the neck but I give him a bit of lip and its all good. he did a magic show yesterday for us and pur his video on today. He has bursts of tears all of a sudden and thinks he's dying!
Then, the same day, I think 2 days ago, Drew, another one with Bi Polar said something soooo random! "You have good boobs". What is it with my boobs??? drew came up yesturday and tearfully apologised for his behaviour. Other than this he is a nice guy. Kinda looks like , oh what do you call them....a pixi...yeah like a pixi lol.
My hands are sore from writing so quickly. Gotta write quick cos my thoughts will race away from me and Ill forget them otherwise.
Hang what they think - I think I need Tamaz. But X is right - she said Id be buzzing tomorrow and I am. Im so wide awake its crazy!!!

23/9/09 day 23
Well, its just gone midnight and Ive ended up having a Tamaz to put me to sleep but it wont kick in for a while. So Ill just sit and think and write hey!
Only a few odd pages left and I can start writing in my new journal. Its the same as this one. Going to try and keep getting the same ones and keep them bound for the future. Sounds good I reckon!
...finally fell asleep last night and its 6.30 now so not a lot of sleep but I got some. Im so excited hey!
I wanna jump out of bed now and get ready but seriously, wouldn't have anything to do. Im going to take my journal with me so I can escape into it if I need to. gotta take my ipod and the charger cos Im going to put more music on it - the CD's that I bought yesterday. I hope Ally wakes up feeling like she can cope. Im so worried about her. The cops cannt force her to return if she goes on leave and doesn't come back. She scares me when she is really down and gets the suicidal urges like Ive had. Fingers crossed she stays strong like I know she can be. She is a very cool friend and Im so glad we have met. She is my rock in here, we can sit still for 10 minutes and not say a word to each other, and thats ok. We know each others pain, its like looking into a mirror. If we swap journals again and she reads this I want you to know Ally that you are strong and you can fight this. Enjoy your babies at home and make sure you dont return to Mirrabook - as much as I will miss you, I dont want you back here xoxox
Im so tempted to get up and get dressed and get things ready for today. I cannt wait!
Blood test - check
breakfast - check
dirty clothes - check
me - check
meds - check
Yay now just to wait til Em gets here and away we go for the day!! Its going to hit me in the car I reckon. Ohh!! Im soooooo excited!!

Well Ive been at home and now Im back. It went ok, much better than what I thought really. My anxiety levels were up and down like a yo-yo all day. I had a wonderful time with the kids, Kasey didnt go to school so it was nice having her there. Bridie was great fun! But at about 3pm-ish I had a massive urge to stab myself with a knife and I started punching myself on the chest really hard. That urge is so bad!! Its like you become possessed and the devil takes over your whole body. nath was there and he took me outside and distracted me. I knew it was going to happen. It ruined the rest of the arvo though for me. We got ready to go soon after that because Nath has to work tonight and if I had stayed for tea then he wouldnt get home til 8.30ish and wouldn't have had a sleep before work. I wasn't very talkative on the way home but Nath understood why (home as in Mirrabook). He thinks i did really well today and that it was really successful and that I have come a long way. He reckons Im much better than I was. He was real positive the whole day.
Im negative about it. Yes, I enjoyed being with him and the kids, yes I was kinda cheerful, yes I managed to feel like I didnt have to do anything, but me - inside this body was feeling crap! It was like I was struggling again to keep control of myself. My anxiety was all over the place and I did lots of breathing to help it.
But when that urge to kill myself came over me was like nothing else! But it definitely wasn't as insane as that Thursday night. Maybe 'cos I could tell Nath straight away and he was there for me, unlike that Thursday night where it was me in the dark with noone other than A on the end of the phone.
I dont want to kill myself but now that all that is over I dont even feel like I have succeeded. I dont feel any better. I dont feel stronger for it. It took me by surprise , I didnt see it coming. It was like I smashed my head against a brick wall that has popped out in front of me from thin air!!
I feel so fatigued, so tired from today. I felt like I fought again eveil all day long. I dont want to sleep, I just need to escape this shit!
They took my belt off me!!!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

END OF JOURNAL #1