19/8/09 day 2 in Mirrabook

19/8/09 Day 2 Mirrabook

To break this cycle of depression I need to put myself first. But to do that I need to admit Ive failed at being selfless, failed at caring for everyone else, failed at being something I should be able to do.
Im a f&%^$ing supermum. Dont you get it. Im not suppose to fail. To admit to this is to admit defeat. I dont lose, I dont fail. Im not perfect, but I dont lose control. I control everything, but whats happened now? Ive lost control of me, the one thing I should be brilliant at controlling!!
To be at the peak of life, to come crumbling down, to be on top of the world, to not have the answers, to have no god to turn to, to be breathing is like death itself.
"Oh wow! Your a supermum" was like a dagger to the heart. "Your coping really well" was like a spear in the heart. Its fake I yell!! But noone hears me. Noone flinches, its like a whisper of wind.

Today I held my beautiful babies! I kissed my strong husband and my heart felt at ease for those few moments together.
I feel guilty for being here.
I feel frustrated at myself for yesturdays efforts.
I feel anger at my thoughts.
I feel stupid for my ability.
I feel embarrased at my efforts.
I feel lost in space with no landing place.
I feel anxious of the future.
I feel worries of the outcome.
I am scared!
I am failing my family!
I am guilty of selfishness!!
I want to know who I am without all the achievements.

To soar through the clouds,
an eagle feels at home,
so I at the depths of dispair.
As a bear reaches his catch
his face is showing his future
so I as I look to the grave.
For every sense out body thrives,
For every sense our body dies.
There is no more height
there is no more depth
there is only me
There is only nothing.


For who am I?
Who am I to say?
I have no claim of my own.
I have what has been given.
I have no purpose.
What is my purpose?
For I am in existance,
no merit of my own.

After
I rest at hills feel
I am in comfort with the dead
for noone could hear me
I am in hell, in the heat.
For you say you are with me
but where oh where are you?
Oh, I know!
You are on land while Im out to sea.

The waves crash,
the foam engulfs its prey.
And when it settles,
there isn't any evidence of the giant splash.

Under the water,
away from the air
I am at peace,
with you,
with me.
I see them.
I see you.
I see what was and what will be.
I rest at hills feet.
I am in comfort with the dead.
I am in hell.
There was no light.


HILL, SPLASH, REST, PEACE, PREY...There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Moon
By the light of the moon
By the heat of the sun
the prey is swallowed in full.
It is engulfed by its chaser,
in the light of the moon.
The prey who was chased
could only fight for so long,
It became too hard
It had to give in,
Gone.
Dead.
Its life is complete
by the heat of the sun.

3 Seasons
In the summer the ground is dry, cracked, thirsty for quenching.
Not a cloud in sight
no rest for the weary.

But oh look, a speckle of shade.
It must be a change.
Yet there is no quenching.
Mother Earth's sole is crying for rain.

Its here.
The dark clouds are here.
But where is the rain?
That thirst quesnching relief?
Is it felt, Its here!
Mother Earth is feeling the clouds
But where is the rain?
Where are the couds?
The earth is still, not a sound, not even a whisper of wind.

The mother earth is here, still
with nothing to sooth her soul.


Antichrist
Stop it!
For once, just stop.
I heard you today
and yesturday
and last week.
I know it, i dont want it.
I hate the thought.
I hate Him.
Dont give me you speel.
Dont give me more guilt
when I have enough.
What did I do to deserve this?
Oh I know your answer,
theres no need.
He's still there, I know
but I dont care.
Im going first, not Him
not like you want.
Oh yes, poor me, woe is Job
but that was then
this is now.
There is no answer to satisfy me
You can go to hell.
Go on,
on you high-horse.


To remember:
My funeral plans:
I want to be buried at Bangalee (at the hills feet)
Music: Instrumentals of nothing else matters, time to say goodbye, amazing grace.
eulogy: anyone. maybe someone special who knew my pain like Joh, Andrew or Jen.

My death by suicide. Almost half way across the bridge heading north, veer west and plunge. i will drown. seat belt on. there will be no pain, only love. the pain will stop.

(These were words from A or J.....I wrote them down so that I could re-read them over and over and try to believe them)

Laura Matters!!
I am not going to suicide!
To do so will admit defeat.
I am a fighter
I am a survivor

I am a mum
I am a wife
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I an an aunty
I am a friend
I am important
I am wanted
I am needed
I am a very important person
I am special
I matter.




Why is there no emotion? Why do I see their pain yet have no feeling? My mum is teary and I have nothing. My dad asks questions - I can answer them, mostly. My hubby is beautiful, he doesn't want to hang up the phone when talking to me, he is almost in tears as he walks away, leaving me hear.
I feel nothing, I laugh and I dont know why! Can you answer me? I miss them, I love them, I want to be with them but I have to be here.

I can only cry when I talk to J. Why? I can tell Jen my inner thoughts and feelings. Nathan? I am still trying to protect him, but I will get home, thats the main thing!!

For my Nathan
as flowers thirst for water
so my sould longs for your voice.
you are my strength, my shelter in my lifes storms.
When I left you out at sea and didnt invite you in
I paid for it. I lost a little more time with you.
Time is what we have,
the ticking reminds me of that.
Its a peace within that ticking,
a peace that only time can give us.
we are a team
just as flowers and bees are a team.
We work, you and me, real good.
my soul, your soul.
we're flowers thirsty for
each others quenching love.
Its our time to be one.


SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR BACK!! WHO CARES IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A DOCTOR CON!! WE DONT SO SHUT UP!!!!
GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!!! ITS BEEN 40 MINUTES ALREADY.

Joh - You are important because you care!
J - You are important because you listened!
A - You are important because you were there!

(This next bit are some of the little things that Andrew and Jen said to me that I will never ever forget. I wrote them over 2 pages in my journal....but they are in my heart forever.)

You did it girl!
Love you heaps
Take care xoxox
i am missing our chats
we are thinking of you
chat tomoz!
kids need their mums and dads
i remember you sitting in the dirt at innamincka
i love that about you
love ya
you are doing really well
i loved the way you were a mum involved with you kids
you have come a long way
take care, love Jen xoxox
would be good to see you in melbourne
glad we still have you here
remember what a lovely girl you are
we are itching to catch up with you in person
hope you had a good night sleep
i am so proud of you!
you are brave
take care xox
we are thinking of you all the time
Rise & shine!!!
wanna come to the farmers markets with us - will buy you a coffee!
sweet dreams
ring me ring me ring me!!!
you being open with us has made us so connected
thinking of you often during the days & at night.
I feel privileged that you have allowed me into your life.
we love the person we see
lots of hugs xxoo
hope you had a good night sleep
love you heaps, wanna see you well.
well done!
will talk again!
laura the person will re-emerge oneday
ps. you are really good at talking to doctors
well done laura!
big step today laura
keep up the good work
xxoo
and i am proud of you for doing that!
good luck tomorrow
wish you weren't so far away!!
look after yourself today!!
u just gotta believe it!
you wouldn't be admitting failure
and all that is normal too!
we'll check on you in the morning!
hi there :)
jen xx
how did you go today?
i hope it goes ok for you!
take care my friend
so the laura journey has begun!
you are a special person laura
you mean as much to us!
just checking your ok
take care xxx
if i was closer i would join you!
its ok to be fake
was thinking of you :)
you can look for reassurance this way any time you like :)
you wouldn't be admitting to failure
strength comes from deep within
chat soon
you are a special person laura