2-3/9/10 Day 16-17

2/9/10 Day 16
Slept ok during the night. I seem to wake up from 4am onwards. Had to go get a blood test done early this morning because I had to fast for it. D (the HASA - health and security assistant) took me up to the main part of shellharbour hospital. Was nice getting out for a while.
Its amazing, I cannt think through the thoughts of driving off the bridge or hanging myself, like that part of my brain is switched off. I can still picture it etc but its not intrusive like before.
Nath is bringing the kids up this morning - will have to put a flanny on so they dont see my arm.
....Im sitting in the sun at the moment and its really nice. Its quiet here today, nice and peaceful. The sun is shining, there isn't much wind for a change either. Theres lots of young people here at the moment - about 4 of them under 18yrs. They have to have toa nurse with them all the time and aren't allowed to interact with usl
I cannt wait till the kids turn up, going to go outside with them for half an hour. Kasey wont be coming though cos she is at school.


Days beginning are where the waters flow
trickling gently over the rocks
and down the gully to where
they join in the opening.
Birds singing and leaves rustling
Its peaceful there.
Down the fresh stream in
the opening waters,
where cattle are drenched
by the waters that flow.
Dry mouths, not here,
while it is fresh.
The cool morning mist
brings a breath of fresh air,
the wind carries whispers
to those that will hear.


the resting place
where the sandy dunes yield
to the ocean, with
windswept mountains,
where leaves carry whispers.
That is where the soul of her bring rests.
Its quiet down there down on the flats
where crystal clear waters
lat at the dunes.
Her soul is at rest
knowing the hard dark days are gone,
carried away on the last king tide,
with only the fear that they may return,
like a haunted echo from the
old lighthouse.



Leave me still in the
quiet mornings sun,
where I can ponder my
future with my loved one.
Where I can bask in
the cool mornings sun.
To wish upon the future
is to know what you want,
to ask for forgiveness
is to know what youve done.
leave me to be quiet
as I look at the view,
taking it in like a breath
of fresh air.


J tells me I have to want to get better not just for Nath and the kids and not just for them but also for myself. Doesn't she get it? I dont care about me! I only want to live for them, not me. I know I have to learn that Im precious and that I matter but I just dont care, Im only living for everyone elses sake, so that I can be their wife and their mother and a friend who doesn't break promises.
If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here 0 I would have nothing to live for.

There is no way that I can do what i use to do. Its draining to think of it! I have admitted defeat to myself. My body, my mind and my soul has had a meltdown - hit the wall so to speak.
The thought of having to cook, clean, do the washing and look after the kids is just too hard. My mind wouldn't be able to keep up with everyones demands. I dont have the love for cooking anymore, nor piano or uni. I dont even think Ive got the energy to play with the kids, its draining when they are here for a short time.
Ive let the team down, Ive failed at what I should be able to do best.
I really hope my anidepressants kick in soon and lifts my mood so that I can have the love again for my life.

The visit with Nath and the kids went well, got to go to the park down at the harbour and then went to Hungry Jacks for lunch. I got a little anxious - it was that feeling we get after being in the desert for 6wks and then having to come home to being around lots of people - where everything feels weird.
I haven't needed meds cos of the anxiety - just been listening to music.
Saw Dr Se and he is going to keep my Zyprexa the same for now. He will put it up if Im not getting 6 - 7hrs sleep which Im only JUST getting.
.....Just got head CT donw. Should get results tomorrow.
Been listening to country music on my ipod - been nice hey!
The doctor also said today that I should start going over to the shops to see how I go with getting back to being around people. Mum is going to take me shopping on Friday to buy some new clothes. I just hope my anxiety and nerves stay pretty calm. If Em comes over tomorrow I might be able to go with her - gotta get nath a fathers day pressy.

A day spent outside
was like a rainbow after a storm
-a promise of what is to come.
The waves lapped at the sand,
boats afloat waiting to sail.
While the birds chirped,
children played,
and the wind whispered.
The freedom came
and felt as soft oas sil
again the harsh emotions
that flow through her veins.
But as quickly as it came
it pulled up to a hault
but the memories remain
of the day that was.


A million tears fall
as I weep for my life
to bring it back again.
Now Im here
so lets drink to the
madness that made me
this way.
My eyes have cried
a million tears.
Take these tears of mine
and out them on
the box cart of an
ever-rolling train.
Im having trouble breathing
so carry my soul far away,
leave all my troubles behind.

I felt a little nervy tonight. I feel a bit anxious and figgety but Ive had my meds early and they haven't kicked in yet. I took them at 7pm  so nearly and hour ago. Today I feel I had another successful step, and even though I did feel anxious outsude I wasn't a mess. Bring on Friday so mum can take me shopping.
Hopefully we can still go to St George, the plan is to get there - fingers crossed we do hey!! Everyone is looking forward to it!!

3/9/10 Day 17
I got to sleep last night really easily. The Zyprexa doesnt make me sleepy either. I slept really well but as usual my room mate Bec was really noisey from 6am onwards. Everything she does is really loud!! And she kept coming and going and not shutting the door quietly too.
I feel ok this morning! Im a little apprehensive about going to the shops with Em if she turns up. Not quite sure how I will go but I have to do it. The sooner I do it the better I will feel about doing things, and the sooner I get home the better it can get.
Em just rang - she is going to be here at 10.30. Ive got one of those flexi grip things over my arm so I can hide the cuts - Ill just tell her its to hide my hospital band.

a new beginning
clouds hang low
voering the mountain tops,
mist rises from the lake.
Its a new day
of a new beginning
as the horizon peaks
through in the distance.
A gentle breeze
offers fresh air of hope
as the blue bird sings
a song of praise for the day.
The beauty that is on the lake
escapes to the land
to spread her wings
over all that are near.

the sad house
the sun sets giving the moon a haze
surrounded by pink, purple and blue.
the house stands alone
no friend in site
as the eyes look upon the day that was.
Iron as a shelter and solid timber
for support.
It has noone to love,
to call a place home.
The trees stand out back and afar,
to far away to give shelter in the heat.
The long grass rustles in the breeze,
hiding any enemies that dare to come.
Its the sad house that noone loves,
only passers-by give it a glance.
For once upon a time it gave hope
to the few
that once call it their house, their home.
The down turned corner can only
hope that one day someone
will smile back.

Its hard to explain how I feel today, excited that I get to go out. Its good because I feel like this is a glimpse of the future but at the same time I do still feel very depressed and low in spirit, which I guess will star for a long time yet.
Its confusing me all these bizzare feelings. I still dont feel motivated to do a lot of things but feel liek I could hadnle a little outing. I feel like I can smile but still feel really low and its confusing me in what I really am.
I cannt believe Im feeling anxious already before Im even out the door. Its insane!! I just feel nervous. My ipod has been charging so might go listen to some music while I wait for the safe to open so I can get some money.

Just got back a while and Im so shakey, can you tell? (my handwriting, if you look at it is extremely shakey)
It went really well though, bought lots of things - 2 new tops, shorts, lots of head scalves and a silver ring each for Em and me. We are calling them our sister rings. I cannt wait to go shopping with Mum tomorrow.
Bought Nath diesel aftershave for fathers day.
Im dyeing my hair at the moment - darkest brown its called.
I had such a good time with Em. It was great just us 2 (and chels of course).
Ive just had seroquel and feel less anxious and shakey.
my hair is almost black! looks alright though hey!!
....just did my music relaxation group with Amjat (our OT). I feel so light listening to rainforest bamboo flute music. I thought of things that i use to life, things that were fun, like special camping memories with Nath and the kids. I feel nice now - probably has a lot to do with seroquel too though.
(Just a thought momentarily - wonder why I was on zyprexa AND seroquel....I think the seroquel was my PRN and zyprexa was my 'all the time' one)
Its been a day of mixed emotions. Ive felt excited, happy, nervous, depressed and anxious all at the same time. I guess thats just how Im going to feel for a long time. I still feel very shakey in my arms and Im suprised my writing isn't worse than what it is. I feel very tired though and I think Ill be having an early night. I feel very drained and worn out!! Its doesn't seem much - going to the shopping centre for 2hrs but i reall am drained. It was a lot of effort to do it but I did it and it feels good to have done it. Whether I was successful of not I dunno. (Seeing that I was anxious by the time I got back and I couldn't make it go away 0 even seroquel is struggling to take the edge off).
just unstuck the ipod! Yay for figuring out that! Boo to technology being a bitch!!


my new routines
1) you cannot do 2 things at once and relax! Either enjoy your cuppa OR your tv show....
2) allow 30min to myself everyday. need to buy nice tea, teapot and cup for a daily 'teatime' routine.
3) perfume and makeup. make a small effort to feel girly (argh! no skirts please!!) even when you dont feel like it.
4) talk to nath. spend time together each day after kids go to bed with tv off.

every rolling train
the train pulls to a hault,
the passenger being fear
climbs aboard hoping
to carry the soul far away.
Roll on, into the dark night
carry the fear to the past;
past the dingo fence
and the red sand desert.
theres hope down the
line of the tracks
of the red desert.
Take these tears on the train;
the box car of that
forever rolling train.
let the sun set for ever
on the ever rolling train
of fears and tears.

today i feel stronger, I feel like I am an important person. I feel honoured to have friends who believe in me, love and are being strong for me.
I feel lucky to have the best familt ever, my sister rocks at shopping!!
I feel blessed to have the most beautiful husband who love me dearly and I love him with all my being. My kids are my life line and am honoured to have such well behaved kids that are gorgeous and adorable.
Today is a glimpse of what the future might be, or should I say will be (I can just imagine J shaking her head at me saying 'noooo not might be - WILL be!') I still feel very depressed but feel just a bit less foggy which is fantastic!

listening to some Enya at the moment.....'portrait'. Pure piano! love that one!!