26-27/9/09 Day 9-10

26/9/09 Day 9 Mirrabook
Today I see less fog,
Today I see less smoke.
In the distance I can see
Happiness, the future
of the person within.
Its not absolute
and its not crystal clear
but the outline is there,
its clearer than the day before.
On the horizon is hope,
and the dust cloud is small.
There's a long way to go
but its there,
in the distance.


Long hair,
flowing.
Its glistening in the sun.
Smiling
she sees
the future that is to come,
No one
can tell
what she will embrace.
For there
is one
that can tell her the whole truth.
But dont give in to the fear,
dont hold back on the sheer
agony you are in.
There is
a future,
out there, its out there,
out there.
Dust clouds will settle
on the horizon
which is hope.
There were
empty
spaces
within her soul.
Darkness
takes her
into a world of the unknown.
Its a pain that
no one else knows,
not even the closest love.
Its loneliness
that no one
else can see.
She breathes in
taking
a freshness that is clear
of fog.
For once
she feels
free from guilt and shame.
Dust clouds will settle
will settle
on the horizon
that is hope.
Dust clouds
will give way
to the future that
is in her.
there is a future out there
and she can
see through the dust
of the future to be embraced.
There is a future out there,
its out there,
out there
where dust clouds will
settle on the horizon
which is hope.



Strong and brave
and willing to fight,
no one can hold this
brave girl down.
She's like a dog with a bone
never going to give up.
Embracing and encountering
the future is her aim.
Happy and smiling
and willing to fight.
Everyone can see
this glow she has within.
Courageous and empowered
and willing to fight,
she will rebuild
that life that vanished
into thin air.
Yet she is haunted by echo's
of memories of the day
where she felt
powerless, weakened
by the breath that she took.
Its a train ride, an avalanche
of emotion that is here.
She wont be paralysed
by the fear of the
memories that come in
a tidal wave and quickly retreat.


I feel stronger today, like that fog has cleared a little. I feel like I can fight this, like it wont get the better of me. I can almost believe all the things that Jen has said to me. I do feel brave and I do feel strong but the fear of going backwards is so in my face its terrifying. I wish my hardest that I wouldn't have another bad day. I cannt handle bad days, what if they get the better of me? What if I give up fighting? Its so hard to fight on bad days, its so hard to think that it isn't the end. I dont want anymore bad days but I know Im going to have them which sucks!!
But for today at least Im going to just enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the day. I feel less foggy, less depressed and a little more brighter.
I just have to allow myself to feel bad on bad days and remember that the sun will shine and my soul will sing again. I have to believe everything that Jen and Andrew say to me. Apparently its true.
The doctors said the other day that Im a very self driven person and for whatever reason its like my body has hit the wall. My body cannt take it anymore, it wants me to have down time, to rest.
Just cos Ive got kids doesn't mean that I cannot rest, I cannot have 'Laura' time. I have to not feel guilty about not doing housework and doing things for myself. Ive got to stop feeling guilty about that!
Had lunch with my beautiful hubby today out on the grass. What a fantastic half hour that was! Sitting in the sun, talking about me and us and the kids. It was so invigorating, so refreshing to think that we can talk about 'stuff'. He came inside and we had a cuppa before he left. He's doing medical stuff for the army in wollongong. I love him so much, more than he realises, more than I realised myself! We are going to make more of an effort to help each other, to not get stuck in a rut and to enjoy for time together.


"After winter, comes the summer; after night comes the dawn; after every storm comes clear open skies" - Samuel Rutherford.

I fell like tonight I need to declutter my brain. So much has happened today. Em and C visited which was great and I had lunch with Nathan outside. Plus Joh visited this arvo. I also did the 2 group sessions on wellness and relaxation. I feel drained and worn out. But I didnt do much. Is it because my mind has 'hit the wall' that even doing this small amount of effort is hard? Is this what is going to happen every day? I just feel fatigued but just not sleepy. Ive got a headache from thinking, it feels.

Just used that apricot scrub on my face - took my time and enjoyed it and now just put a small amount of moisturiser  on my face too and it feels nice. Just concentrated on the strokes on my face. Might add that to my 'relax' list of things to do. feels nice when I feel really drained!

From J 8.38pm: You are so wonderful you know...just gone through today's mail and received a beautiful heartfelt letter....you have a real gift with words...you express yourself in a way I could only dream of doing...your honesty is heart warming and I feel privileged to have been able to walk this part of your journey with you. Not an easy journal by any step of the imagination, a rocky path, full of pot holes and at times bumps that seem insurmountable...you are more of a rock Laura than you know. I admire you for your extreme courage and bravery because you haven't given up. Thankyou for sharing your letter with us. I wish at times I could wave my magic wand and 'fix' you quickly, I feel helpless often. Thankyou for being you, for sharing you with us, the real Laura. J. xxx.

27/8/09 Day 10 Mirrabook

The hiding place
of her soul
is where the outback
yields to the ocean,
but not without a fight.
The red raw earth grasps
at the coast, only to
fall off the cliffs or
somersault into a beach
of windswept dunes.
She's taking the reins,
its in her blood to try
and rebuild a life
that has vanished
into thin air.

Today I feel good but tired. Why am I so tired all the time? Its actually a sunny day outside and the wind has died down.
Im feeling like I want to go home, I reckon Ive been here long enough hey! My kids and hubby need me at home but they also need me well.
How am I going to cope when I get home? How am I going to look after the kids and do the housework too?
I haven't heard from J or A today. I know Thursdays are busy for them and I think this happened last week too. I feel lost if I dont hear from them during the day. Its horrible them to message me all the time but I really do feel lost without them

I cannt seem to find my way
when I dont hear from you
throughout the day.
Like walking through the forest
in the dark,
like a child lost at the park.
Not knowing which way to turn
I can feel my soul,
it hurts as it burns.
You hold my hand along lifes path,
you hold me strong in the aftermath.
But for now Im lost without you
Not knowing what to do.

(This feeling I got, and still get, towards not hearing from them is a part of the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with. In a sense: I hate you, dont leave me)


Right now I feel:
at peace
bored shitless
lonely
like not talking but just sitting in silence with nath
seeing my kiddies!
tired, fatigued but not sleepy
like a hug
the urge to go camping! (might need to write myself a shopping list)


Camping shopping list:
10 nights:
4 sachet bread mix with yeast
4 rump steaks
2 chicken breast
2 sausage
1 mince
1 pasta

honey mustard chicken
sweet n sour chicken stir fry
sausages n mash
sausage stew
porcupine meatballs
pasta
stew
beef n black bean sauce
stir fry x 2

bacon
eggs
tin tom's
tin pineapple x 3
black bean sauce
honey mustard sauce
stir fry sauces x 3
pasta
sauce
rice


(This next part is a section of a book that Con was preaching.....its got some good points but its a pretty 'self' based book and seems a little too selfish for my liking but Ill put it in here anyway.....)

deep at the centre of my being there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. the more love I use and give, the more I have to give - the supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good. it is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself therefore I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy. I love myself therefore I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it. I love myself therefore I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, in that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and that love me, and earning a good income. I love myself therefore I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world for they are a mirror of what I am. I love myself therefore I forgive and totally release that past and all past experiences and I am free. I love myself therefore I love totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.
And so it is.


I managed to play 'Sarabande' tonight - twice. And the 2nd time was heaps better. For once I actually understood the music, which is so bizarre to say because I should have always been able to understand it! But for the past couple of months I haven't.
I even managed half of the Rachmaninoff Prelly but my brain hurts from think so much! Plus my fingers kind of lost what they had to do. But Im getting better I think.
Haven't heard from A for 2 days now, kinda feel REALLY lost now! I keep looking at my phone waiting for a message but there is nothing there. Maybe Im expecting too much! I feel like sending him a msg saying 'fuckin' answer me will ya!!'. I know he has tennis tonight so its ok, he has a life!!