Seeing the end of school.

Yr 12, 1999, wasn't as bad as the year before, it was definitely less dark but still nonetheless very dark compared to what is acceptable. The year went on without too many hitches. I did my 8th grade exam in between my HSC exams and got a B+. 
January 2000 brought on our trip to USA with a competition in Vegas and training in Seattle over 3wks. It was the age that I discovered alcohol on a more regular basis. And like everything else, I went to the limit. I was never happy with just a few, it had to be more than just a few. I soon learnt techniques to avoid hangovers.

I had my P licence this year so skating competitions meant I could drive myself there. We would have a blast, drink lots, compete lots, drink some more.....

Between 2000 and July 2002 lots happened.
I was working, competing, training, workouts at the gym, piano practise (as I was doing my certificate in performance through AMEB now) and partying in between. I was addicted to being busy, not stopping for anything. I would spend a few hours a day training, a couple of hours every second day at the gym, playing 2 indoor netball comps and inline hockey for some fun on the side. I loved it!!

But if I wasn't doing any of that I was drinking. My 2 best friends were crazy!! Potter and Berna. Gee we got up to some crazy stuff and thankful for the guys who would take turns in saving from some pretty awful stuff...Scotty in particular. He would make sure we got home safe every night....and I mean EVERY night. Sundays after work we would go to the pub for a few or if I wasn't working we would go to Posties at 12pm and build our tab up til closing and then pay. Tuesday night we would go down to the Bomo Bowlo and drink some more. Thursday night was Tav night....those nights rocked!! We were stupid, funny drunks. We would buy every colour of cruisers EACH and then mix them up to make the most horrid colours and then we would have sculling competitions. Friday nights I actually dont remember what we did but I know it involved alcohol and as for Saturday nights....well, look out ex-servo's!!!

I knew my drinking was getting out of control when I would have a drink or 2 before competing, or straight after work before I got to the pub. Potter, Berna and I would spend an absolute motza on grog and smokes. We would pile our money together, usually on a week it would be around $700 - $800 between us and it would all go to the cause of drunken behaviour.

2002 was another eventful year. I had just recently cheated on a boyfriend I had been with for 2yrs, those flings ended quickly and then went out with another guy for a couple of months. We were drinking like crazy, he drank more than I did.....and about 12mths later nearly killed his then girlfriend because of his drunk driving. Somehow I wasn't killed in the first half of '02. There were heaps of rodeo's to go to which meant LOTS of rum!! Potter was getting into pills and Berna was always tired and never ventured far. Potter was bulimic by this stage and living in Wollongong so our little group was starting to fall apart.

There is a weekend that I need to insert in here but not now. Im not ready to, not sure how to write what happened. It was near the peak of my excessive drinking. It involved something that even Nathan doesn't know the full story so to tell it on here would be inappropriate. It involved a stranger, an escape, a trusted person and a loss of respect for myself.

Only a month after this event I was coaching at Nationals (skating) in Adelaide, where Im told I disappeared for 3 days. I knew where I was....but didnt know I was missing for 3 days....I thought it was only 1 night. Oh well. And then a few weeks later I start dating Nathan - my eventual hubby!! Potter and I drunk an entire bottle of bundy (me!) and vodka (her!) between his place - which was up near the hospital and ex-servo's....we were walking, dont worry!!! And silly me decided to see what I would blow in the breathalyser..... 0.149. Cookie, our favorite bouncer, kicked me out - he sat with me outside for 10min, I then had to blow again and make it go under 0.1. I was spot on so he let me back in. We then proceeded to spend the night having CS cowboy shots, more rum and my favorite new mix - vodka, orange & blue curacao.....goes a vibrant green!! Wicked!!

I had lost total respect for myself. I didnt care about myself. I was driving my body into the ground physically with all the exercise and then with the drinking. A lot of young people are like this at this stage in life and I was no exception. I thought I would be numb to reality forever. I was so caught up in keeping busy that everything that I had felt and thought in 1998/9 was obsolete. I was drinking so much that I didnt get my period for 2mths - fantastic!! I was losing weight too but the 'ego' in me was telling me where I was heading and I could see it happening. But my 'id' was telling me to not care, that I didnt deserve to be healthy.

By this stage I had also convinced my doctor to put me back onto ventolin but I never overdosed. But now it was more etched in my mind that I couldn't live without it by my side and when I did need to use it for a legit reason I would question myself, question my attack and would rather live with the attack than take it just in case I was taking it for the wrong reason. (When my over-using had come out, Mum took me to the doctor and he took me off ventolin and put me on bricanyl so that I wouldn't be able to overdose - and trust me I tried. It was sooo frustrating....I would take a whole one of these and would feel nothing. So I stopped doing it.)

Anyway....this is suppose to be about me in hospital last year and all this is suppose to be a bit of a background. Lots of background writing hey! Im getting there, promise, this is all back ground stuff and it does paint the picture of what happened, why it happened and what caused it.

Im procrastinating about my research report for uni now. Im going to do it tomorrow, promise ;)
Im going to write in my journal tonight which I haven't done for a week, got a bit of updating to do.....you'll read it eventually, promise.

Hooroo.