Joh is coming to visit today. So just have to fight through this morning and then I can see her. Em is visiting too.
Im still having thoughts of the trees out in the courtyard. Not action thoughts, just thoughts of me hanging there with no more breath. It's so bizzare thinking this cos I don't want to but maybe sub-consciously I do. I slept pretty good but felt like I was awake all night shivering.
I want the images of me to stop, I dont want to think of it anymore. I guess I gotta keep myself busy. Keep my mind busy but the more I fight the images the more they are there. Its a wicked circle!!
Im sitting on the lounge just watching telly. Ther verandah is unlocked but I haven't got the motivation to get up and sit in the sun.
My clothes are drying out there, hope they dry today.
My kids are at home
playing without me.
I am here without them
my beauties are at home,
laughing and smiling,
I am here without them.
My babies are at home
drawing and skipping,
I am here without them.
My offspring are at home
talking and crying,
I am here without them.
My family is at home
without me.
The pain is searing
Like a stab to the heart.
It hits fast bringing with
It isolation and fear.
The feeling of incompleteness
In my soul
Is like darkness in full sun.
It's an endless story
With no territory.
The searing is beauty
In the day of depression.
The deserving of nothing
Is an end to the pain.
For what is deserved
When you have nothing to give?
To give would mean there is something there
It's empty space but
who wants that?
Noone, never!
Searing is the pain like
A heart to be stabbed.
Its darkness in a day of depression.
"You are Laura the camper, the muso, the wife, the mum, the friend, the cook, the glue. the energy, the earth, the sun - in the sense of you are a special part of the universe for so many people" From A. 2.33pm
Took to the future she did with open arms,
eyes glissening in the sun.
Took to the future she did
with a heart filled with hope.
Voice of her Soul
Somewhere deep in her heart
is the courage to fight,
but haunted by echo's of
images past.
She will be vallient til the end!
The voice of her soul
is twisted in knots.
But like a dog with a bone
she refuses to give up.
To encounter the future,
to grasp in ones hands
is to embrace with ones
voice of the soul.
My Friend Joh
She's there for you when
you need it most,
holding your hand
and being your voice.
She feels you tears
when your eyes are dry
and shes strong
to carry you through.
She's a friend to have
when you down on your knees
and a friend to have
with a cup of tea.
She understands silence
when its needed most.
A friend to have and to hold
my friend Joh is the best!
Had an awesome day today! Em came just after lunch. Chels was at Christine's so we could have a real good sister to sister chat! We designed the tattoo Im gunna get. Its going to be the design on this diary with the kids names in it somehow. Clinton is going to finish off the design.
Joh came to visit too for a couple of hours. That was soo good cos I can talk to her like noone else. I can tell her my thoughts on God and prayer and she isn't all 'rosey' like someone else would have been. Joh is a realist and I love her for that - she is awesome! I laughed and smiled and I felt real today, not fake which is great!!
When I get home I need to be realistic with myself. If I dont feel like doing much, dont! If I dont want to be sociable, dont! If its a hard day, its ok to admit it!
Time for a shower I think. Might take me time too and enjoy it.
I feel good tonight. Might see how I go drug free. Actually I might take it. Why not!! Plus panadol for my headache!!
Bridie Girl
Her chubby cheeks,
her arms as wings,
She is a beauty in my eyes.
She smiles so hard her
eyes disappear.
She smooches and pulls
at my hair as if
Ive been gone forever.
Shes as cool as cool
and easy going,
as any of them have been.
My Bridie girl is one
to cherish foreva!!
24/8/09 DAY 7 Mirrabook
Wanted to be drug free last night but my mind was racing and I couldn't stop it. I really wanted to but I ended up going to get seroquel and tamaz to knock me out. It eventually worked.
Nathan is coming this arvo to talk to the psych team with me. He's bringing Bridie!!!!!!!! I cannt wait to kiss her chubby cheeks and play with her, its going to be the hi-light of my day!! I just hope I dont feel crap after they leave like I did the other day.
I want something to be proud of, like another step to tick off. Wonder what it could be? There are so many uncertainties at the moment, nothing is clear as to what is next. I want a list of achievements / goals to aim for , something to focus on. Maybe thats a bad idea, cos my entire like has been built around goals. Bring on 2pm hey!
(For some reason Ive written this next bit in point form....I think so I could tell the doctors at the meeting. This was insane this morning - Ill never forget it. it was like I was paralysed on the lounge - like I couldn't respond. Almost like a coma actually!! I was curled up on one of the lounges in from of the telly in the loungeroom.)
- haven't been able to keep my eyes open today but I cannt sleep
- I keep seeing a brown handled folding knife with a dirty blade cutting my left arm. I try to fold the knife away but it keeps opening up in my hand and it cuts me some more. There is no pain and no feeling of relief either. ive been putting all my energy into trying to close the knife but I cannt
- I have no motivation to get up in the mornings or to do anything
- If I was at I home I wouldn't be able to cope
- I all of a sudden have a fear of Bridie forgetting who I am
- I dont want to eat today either, got no energy.
- I tried to go drug free last night but couldn't do it, my mind kept racing and it wouldn't shut up
- I just want to shut my eyes.
- Today is a bad day - I feel like Im on that slippery dip again. I thought I was feeling better!!
How am I going to cope if I'm like this at home? I cannt function today. What if I had the kids to look after and the house work to do? I'd just have to deal with it and power on but I just got no energy, nothing!
How am I going to feel if I have to go home and deal with fakeness? How am I going to feel afterwards? Like crap? Like Im on top of the slippery dip!!
I want the meds (efexor) to be increased from 75 to 150 and to continue being on seroquel (200mg) at night, and even tamaz to help me. Last night is proof that I cannt sleep without them.
Bring on 2pm when Nath gets here with Bridie girl. Gee, I cannt wait to give her a big cuddle and kiss and for her to smooch all over my face and grab my hair and smile at me. Gee I miss her terribly.
Nath will be here soon, kinda feeling anxious about this arvo! Not sure what to expect of Dr X meeting. I know Im not going home in a hurry, which is good but I just hope I can communicate just how Ive been - the rollercoaster ride.
I hate rollercoasters! Really hate them!!
......Meeting with X went well and especially afterwards with Manuel the social worker (Teena's hubby! Shes an awesome nurse!!!) - he had more time to talk and ask questions etc.
Basically it boils down to being very run down after I had the flu and also post traumatic stress from being depressed after ventolin issue as melbourne girl sucide resurfaced all that shit.
So in a sense:
PTSD and PND.....(for now)
My baby girl took 2 seconds to recognise me and then she was super happy and smiley. She kept giving me cuddles and kisses and snuggling into me. It made me sooo happy to be with her. I got to feed her a bottle and cuddle her to sleep, it was so nice!!
I niss her now that she has gone home but I know Nath is doing a wonderful job and that Ive got nothing to worry about. He is being so strong through all of this, the most unreal husband ever hey!! What did I do to deserve such a good man!?! Thumbs up Nath :)
ps..cannt believe how chubby Bridie has got over the past week! Shes like michelan man! Rolls everywhere!!
25/8/09 DAY 8
The exhaustion a breath gives
feels like your nearing the end.
To drag your feet is as hard as the breath
it takes to fill your lungs.
The energy is sucked out of you
as you sit and do nothing but
look out the window.
Its a headache to even think
of what is ahead.
The future seems bleek,
icy and unwelcoming,
like the wind that howls
through the glass.
Its tiring to let my heart beat
but it still works
even though I want it to stop.
Today feels like my life has been sucked from me. I feel tired and exhausted, run down, drained and sleepy. I dont want to fight this anymore. Its just too draining to be alive. I cannt wait to feel good, although that seems like a long way away.
The coffee machine was broken a while ago and it feels like there is nothing to do! lol. I am so bored but so drained so even if there was something to do I probably wouldn't do it. I feel like sitting, watching telly and zoning out - going to a place where my brain needs to stop thinking and not work but that is just so hard. I cannt make my mind switch off.
Em and C came to visit which was good but I lacked the energy to enjoy it.
Maybe its the wind sucking the life out of me today. Maybe Ive got a headache cos I had 200ml seroquel last night. I feel like crap hey!! I just want my brain to stop working and thinking so that I can have some peace!!
The Heart of Her Soul
A beating sound
like hooves on the ground,
rhythmic and constant
a reminder of what is.
It doesn't fade
nor slow down.
Infact, it never stops.
A pulse-feeling it
gives in ones chest,
a reminder to the woman
to give it her best.
Tired and worn is she
who withstands
the constant pressure
to be who she can.
The sound of hooves
are never off beat
not even in the moment,
not even in the heat.
She is worn like
a stallion on the cliff,
one who raced life
to the edge.
Left alone with The Ivory Keys,
like a cub in an open paddock,
vulnerable as a snake on a rock.
With fog in her eyes
as she glances down,
nothing makes sense anymore
for the girl with a crown.
It use to be said she had
beauty in her tips,
one who possessed a song
within her lips.
But now as though she were dead,
she feels nothing.
Not a single piece of music
could bring her alive for
the fire has taken over
in the landscape ahead.
Infant-like she asks a few
when help will begin to
put the fire out
and bring the fog to.
Somewhere deep in her heart
was the courage that
was needed to be
valient to the end.
The voice of her soul was
haunted by echo's of
the memories that rushed over
her like an ocean
at high tide.
The avalanche of emotion was
about to begin,
but was frozen by fear,
embraced what was about to be
encountered.
Her soul was about to unravel the tide of emotion.
5 Positive things that happened on my big crappy day
1) shepherds pie at lunch ws yummy
2) spoke to Nathan today, he is going to visit tomorrow
3) J sent a message to see how I was going
4) Teej sent me a message too...!
5) Spoke to Jonty quickly on the phone - was a quick "hello mummy"
Daydream
The sun sets over mountain tops,
a star twinkles in the north
and the wind howls yet again.
Its been a day of toil and sweat
yet not a finger lifted
in the place of pain.
To breath a lungful of air,
to sit in the sun and stare
is to daydream of a beach
with crystal blue waters
and whales beneath.
There's a rock pool with mermaids
and a shipwreck south,
mountains with view of what lies ahead.
The wind howls and awakens
the one who is worn
from a day of reflection
of a life that has been
and one that is to come.
The sunset has gone,
the moon is out light,
to sleep will be like
peace with the one.
Joh might be visiting with Maja tomorrow Not sure if I want that. Im not sure of anything anymore. I love seeing Joh, she makes me smile. I can be real with her and Maja too.
What I really look forward too is going home and having anormal life, feeling on top of the world again, being and mummy and a wife again at home.
I look forward to a trip to melbourne. Im busting to see J and A. I hope we can get down there in january before school goes back. We could catch up with Bucky and Lyn too, Lyn and Al, Viv and Ray, John and Heather - heck, we could have a mini gathering!!
The days and nights here are soooo boring, there is nothing to do. But usually after lunch either keely or Con go off their dial cos they aren't allowed out for a smoke. Im just keeping myself quiet., I dont need their shit too you know!! I talk to most of the people but the select few I mostly ignore.
My heart feels like its aching tonight. Maybe Im starting to feel really home sick. I want my hubby and I want my kids. I could just discharge myself and go home (even though its not that easy even when your here voluntarily). I need to be home but I need to be well and Im not very well yet. Im still all over the place but one day I will get better, I will be a new Laura, a better one who will allow herself time just to be Laura, to do things that she wants to do by herself.
Im not certain who 'Laura' is right now, but I will find her, shes in there, somewhere!!
Im just not certain of anything, not the future, not me, nothing!! I know I cannt control the future but I can control what happens how which will effect the future. Does that make sense??
Some of the 'characters' of Mirrabook:
Con - the loud mouth and very angry at the world. Wants to go home
Kevin - alco, lost his wife to cancer.
Bill - Schizophrenic. Grinds his teeth.
Daniel - 22yr old alco and drugs. Wants a pet bird.
Michael - watched his dad murder someone when he was 10yrs old, been in and out of foster homes since then, been in jail. Mum is in jail. He's 21yrs old.
Monique - aaah, there is noone like monique!
Rachel - 29yrs old, hard drugs, has to go to rehab or jail. works at no. 10
Keely - loud mouth, angry. knocked a nurse out last week. wears wigs.
Emma - obnoxious, rude, 17yrs old. drug psychosis??
Lisa - mostly deaf, always talking!! alco and cocaine, anger management
Amanda - psychosis PND...
Peta - my roomy, everything she wears is stripy!! And I mean EVERYTHING!
Girty - Austrian. Drinks too much coffee.
Tony - alco, nice bloke. has the flu.
the asian girl - chinese, VERY little english
Steve - coated in tatts
Audry - reminds me of Aunty Jean - loves the sound of her own voice.
Kelly - 22mth old daughter. smokes too much pot.
Ally - mum of 4, looks like me...we have soooo much in common its crazy. love her to bits.
Right now I feel like:
I could curl up and sleep forever
Life has been sucked out of me
Like I need peace & quiet
My kids and hubby need me at home
I want to be left alone
Relieved that another day is over
Dont want to wake up to a day of nothing again
Having a cuppa with a friend while we sit in the sun and watch the kids play
Like a shower, even though I had one this morning - just to kill the time
Like chocolate
A hug from my hubby and kids, Jen and Andrew too because to me, they are my life line.
From J 7.25pm: You gotta start believing the things we have said to you and eventually you wont have to read them, you will be able to see it all in your mind whenever you need to. You are all the things we have said you are Laura. Brave, strong, a fighter, a great mum, wife, daughter, sister, friend. Lots of roles that I dont even know about too :) you know though. You;kk get through this but I hear in the things you say and the things you dont say, that it is just so tough, tiringdraining and overwhelming. Stick with it my friend. xxxxxx J.
The dash on your tombstone - How would you spend it? Is that dash something to be proud of??
10.01pm from A: "You are a great friend too Laura. Just wish I could run into your painful world and drag you out of it so you didnt have to work your own way out. Would love to pull you out but only think I can do is keep pointing directions and hold your hand and walk with you. When you are in lonely remember us holding your hand and we will be there for you. Place does sound lonely - think you need some hugs....xxoo
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