2002 - 2009

So, where was I??

I guess I continue on from Nathan and I starting to go out with each other - July 2002. There was no way in the world that in 12mths time I would have thought I was going to have a baby. Nathan settled me down, slowed me down. Being nearly 7yrs older than me he was over the partying stage. There was more to life for him than just drinking and more drinking. He had never been a huge drinker anyway so for the fist few months he was my DD (designated driver). We had awesome fun together - 4wding on days off, mucking around with both our 4wds, going bush just to find where tracks ended up - we had fun (and still do!).

I was travelling to sydney every second Monday to train with the Oceanic Precision team for skating plus doing my normal training in Nowra. So I was REALLY busy with sport. But then, in late November I fell pregnant. It was a shock to the system but welcomed nonetheless. I stopped everything - the partying, drinking, sport - you name it, it stopped. My 21st birthday party sucked - my friends were all getting drunk and here I was drinking lemonade.

Ask Nath what I was like being pregnant....and he will tell you I was angry. I know I was angry, my whole world had changed and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, I could have continued the partying and drinking but there was no way I was going to do that to our precious little baby.

July 2003 Kasey was born, my life was back to being busy and I was occupied by organising our wedding. I wasn't living with Nathan, I stayed at Mum and Dads.....I dont know why I didnt move out with Nath. I guess I didnt want to for the sake of doing it, I wanted to make sure that I was REALLY wanting to. Does that make sense?? I didnt want to and then stuff it up, I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing first. I knew I didnt want to lose Nathan and there was no way in the world I was going to put that at risk. Once kasey was born, the anger went away and I knew that Nath and I were meant to be together, I hated leaving his place and taking Kasey away from him. But I guess one good thing about all this was being able to save a stack of money for our wedding etc. What a bonus!!

Over the next few years (2003 - 2008) lots of things happened. It was our wedding ('04), then I was pregnant with Amy and she was born in '05. We did a central Australia trip for 6wks through the deserts and then bought a house in '06 and then Jonty came along in '07.

Jonty's first 6mths are a sign of the beginning of falling apart for me. I dont remember ANYTHING about his first 6mths apart from buying a dummy for him when he was 5wks old. The next thing I can recall is the girls joint birthday party at the park on 29th July. I 'know' certain things happened, like Nathans sister coming to visit because I wrote it in his journal. But other than that I actually dont remember it. I believe it happened because I wrote it.

So between stopping breastfeeding with one and falling pregnant with the next one was only a few months, apart from Amy & Jonty - Amy was almost 10mth when I fell pregnant with Jonty. Each time I wasn't breastfeeding or pregnant I started drinking lots at home. Would have several shots at night, or a bottle of wine or sink a stack of rum. But once I was pregnant I was back to being good. Not even a drink while I was prega's and maybe only 1 or 2 while breastfeeding when they were a little older if we went out for our anniversary or something.

Jonty was 13mths when I stopped breastfeeding as I had a uni res school to go to in Armidale. I had just started uni - bachelor of music and teaching - was great keeping busy. The week away was great and even drank lots as we ate dinner out every night at one of the many pubs (and to my delight most of them had Bundy on tap - $6 a scooner!!!!! I was in heaven!!!!). Coming back home was fine, I got back into the normal 'mum' routine. Within 2mths I was pregnant with Bridie - WOW!! Holy bugger me!! That was a slight surprise!! But great!! I had an awesome pregnancy this time round.

I loved being pregnant with Bridie, I got the typical aches and pains but it was that good that a few days before she was born Nath and I left the other 3 at Mum and Dads for the weekend and took off to Taralga rodeo - ie, sleeping in a swag on the ground! It was soooooo good. I was happy, and even though people were drinking like crazy around me, I didnt care nor jealous!! Its quite funny watching drunk cowboys.....its definetly a sight to see :)

So we're up to 2009. The last 6yrs had been filled with babies and the beginning of uni to keep my busy.
The first few months of '09 were pretty normal with a new born....and being the 4th there was no time to rest - Life went on as normal.....

....Until it was around the end of May or the beginning of June, I cannt remember but there was yet another suicide at a Melbourne high school where a 14yr old girl suicided and I think she was the 4th from that school in just a few months. It was sending shock waves through everyone that it had happened soooooo many times. It was in the media and huge amount of emphasis was being put on mental health in teenagers.

This was the beginning of a very fast roller coaster ride into hell. I had met A and his wife J at Innamincka in 2008 on a camping trip with a stack of friends. We had all moved off this 4wd / camping forum onto facebook by now where we could freely chat with each other (and hasn't it been awesome!!). Friendships has grown, we get to see into each others daily lives. And even though many of us have either never met or only met once, we are a very close knit bunch of people. How good is it to have friends that you can trust with your whole heart that you have never met!?!

A's status at this time on facebook was how he couldn't believe that teenagers could get to the point that they would end their life. I replied back to his status saying that I could, that I knew what it was like. This was the first of many triggers. It brought back memories that I had suppressed and forgotten about. A few days after this I sent him a message asking him if he believed that memories like mine would never be overcome (or something like that anyway). And being a doctor he was very smart with his reply. Over the next few days or more we exchanged emails. I was starting to be engrossed by my memories, it was flooding back.  Eventually he said 'Its hard to tell from here but I think you have depression'.




So, this is where I leave this. Im going to leave you hanging, wanting more :) From now on I will be posting what is in my journal. I warn you though.....its not pretty.