10/9/09 day 24

I have been struggling with writing this next post. It comes from a day where everything was falling apart. I still believe I lost 2 friends this day, I lost the connection we had. I grieved so much that even now I feel extremely angry. I spent many sessions with my psychologist talking about this particular day and the action that 2 friends took. I dont think I will ever get over this, ever! But here it is. Please, dont feel like you HAVE to read it if you feel you will be offended. Just understand that this day was huge for me. More than huge....I lost a piece of me this day.....




10/9/09 Day 24
Last night was worse than the night back when I first rang A. I was sitting here on my bed when that fog, that other thing, that urge took over my body and I wanted to hurt myself. Not that I wanted to hurt myself but thats what it felt like. I was scared - that know that feeling! I tried to do some breathing, I turned my music up but it got worse. But I remembered by promise to Ally, to J and A, to Joh and most of all to Nathan that I wouldn't do it. I got up and tried to find Marie but I couldn't so I went into the courtyard crying and pacing around out there. I kicked the brick wall and the trees (and now the top of my feet hurt and are bruised). I came inside and started pacing the corridors. After a few lap the brown haired uni student started walking with me knowing something was wrong. Then the blonde one took over. After a while he made me a cuppa and we sat down and chatted. I told him that either they give me something to kill my liver or I will kill myself or they can put me in seclusion. Eventually Marie came and told me she had organised seroquel and Tamaz for me because they are broken down by my kidneys and not my liver (or something like that).
I was so fatigued, so worn out from fighting the anxiety all day that I couldn't keep on top of it anymore. It got too much by the end of the day and I hadn't had a good night sleep last night.
I didn't even have a good sleep last night after the seroquel and tamaz. I woke at 2.30am  and eventually fell back to sleep at 6am for a while.
I feel like such a failure because of last night. I feel like Ive let myself down , but more so Nath and the kids. They are who I keep thinking about. Its them that this is effecting. I reckon we wont get to St. George after last night. Yeah, it was a set back but a huge one! Ive had to start all over again! I have failed my first day out! I had 2 suicidal moments with the 2nd being the worst ever!! Im drained today, I just want to be left alone in peace so I can somehow sort myself out. How on earth can I stop these urges?? My stupid liver!! I was doing really well until that blood test! What else can I take?? Seroquel is good as a PRN and thats about it. Largactil made me worse and zyprexa is screwing my liver up!!
I have let everyone down by last night and Ill have to stay here longer because of it. It means being longer away from recovery and longer stay here and longer till I get to be home where I belong. I just want to find something that doesn't nearly kill me and works!!
Im not going to eat much Ive decided. Just going to eat fruit and drink water - either cold or hot, no more sugar and no more coffee. Im going to focus on something else and its going to be losing weight. And seeing that Im eating healthy and still putting weight on - cos Im not exercising - Im going to slow my eating down. Dunno how long I will last doing this but I need to focus on something else!

Im back to thinking that the kids will get over it eventually if I die, trying to convince myself, or justify, suicide. I dont want to but its like your possessed with something evil. It takes over your body and you lose control of your normal thinking.
I feel tired from being awake so much last night. Not a good thing cos when I tired I lose the ability to fight the anxiety which brings on the urges.

I did ok yesterday driving over the bridge (well, Em was driving...then Nath on the way back) but it was worse in the arvo with Nath. I didnt feel like I wanted to drive off it, not that I was driving.
I've lost the want to write poetry too. Not that its an issue but in a funny way I feel like I can express myself in it, like the right words can come out more.


If God is there, why is he putting me through this?? So his character is better known to me?? So I can grow strong??  What crap!! His character isn't depressed, it isn't suicidal. he doesn't swear.
And strong?? I feel weak! Lost! I dont feel him guiding me! Maybe Im not letting him, maybe I dont want to let him. Ah who cares!?!

I feel like I have just lost a friend. I turn my phone on to have a look at facebook and there is a message from J. I feel like ive been left out in the desert without a map, without water. Im grieving because today I have lost 2 friends who dont realise their worth to me. They dont realise the pain and the tears that this is bringing me!

Hi Laura
I have just read your message that Joh passed on to me. I am feeling very sorry that you are still not well and that last night was horrid for you. All I can do is strongly encourage you to speak to the nurses, even the ones you dont like, and let them know straight away what it is that you are feeling. I am feeling very powerless from here, you must be exhausted too.
A and I have been talking and we think that you need to really use the staff up there, the trained carers, to help you. It is in your best interest (although you wont see that yet) that we need to just reduce contact, because contact with me, with A, is possibly making you fly under the radar in hospital. They are the ones to help you get well....we can support you just like all your other friends and you know you are in our thoughts.
I have messaged Joh too 'cos she sent through the message at 4am with an upset 3yr old on her lap...Please, please allow the staff there to help you to get well again, so that you can go home with your family and friends, so you can get to St George. I know how much that means to you.
J xx

This is what I replied:

Dont you get it? I talk to the staff! They know whats going on!! Im NOT flying under the radar at all. It was a nurse that I hadn't met before and so she would have had to leave me to go read my notes or wait for me to finish my story! I talk J!! I TALK!!!!
So if I dont hear from you again best of luck with uni. Maybe one day we can chat again. Your love and support has been life saving
xoxoxox

And to A:

J has just sent me a message telling me what you have spoken about. I have lost 2 friends today who mean alot. Tear are pouring out of my eyes and they aren't stopping.
Thanks for your love, support and help A. I owe you more than what could ever be repaid.
Laura

He then messaged back:

Please dont say that you have lost 2 friends. We are friends. Why dont you ask J how she is doing with exam prep and coping with life in general. We have some really tough things at the moment that are nothing to do with you and you dont know about. We are friends but our life is very hard at the moment and J is trying to study for her exams so please be gentle with us.
A

So I messaged back:

I do ask her. Yes Im selfish I know at the best of times!! I understand you are busy!! And yest I feel Ive lost 2 friends!

A:

You may feel like you have lost 2 friends but you have not. We are friends for ever. You are not selfish. I have had a big staff issue at work that has traumatised me. I am not sleeping well. I have disturbed J's sleep. She is exhausted from study etc. We are trying to hang in there as in 1 month this should settle - exams over, holidays etc. This is not about contact - it is about us being a friend and not trying to be a therapist to you.

from me to A:

Im sorry I haven't given more conversation to you and J about your life. I wish I knew more about your life more so I could help you more,. I do more thinking of your life then I let on. I know all about uni. I know that holidays are coming up soon. I know its exam time because I should be doing my god-damn fucking exams. I have never wanted to think of you guys as my 'therapist'. Im sorry if I have come across that way. Yest Ive asked you medical questions and maybe I crossed the line doing that and Im sorry!! I can tell you guys everything 'cos you were there from the start of all this shit!! Yes Ive told you pretty much everything but I dont talk about EVERYTHING!! There is a lot that I don't talk to you about. Ive been too intrusive into you busy lives and trust me - Im kicking myself for being so rude!! Im lost for words right now so Im just going to let the tears toll a little longer. I feel like Im grieving.

from me to J:

Im sorry if I haven't given as much care to you as what I should have J. Hope you are going ok, really ok, and if your not then I hope you get through it ok.
xoxoxoxox

(But before all this happened......)

 I had a meeting with Dr Z this morning. he kept asking me to explain how I felt and what I remembered as a child. He made me remember Stephen, the boy in the bed next to me, who had cancer - he died. I remember his blue eyes and that his name was spelt with a 'ph' and not a 'v'. He made me explain my childhood, remembering when Kurt Cobain died -  I remember knowing what suicide was and I remember being proud of K.C. I had to explain my ventolin, the alcohol. He wanted to know what I remember about everything.
I cried and cried because he made me remember Stephen! He things that the ventolin, the alcohol, kids, uni, sport, everything has been my way of coping with death because I have stared it in the face as a child, not just me but Stephen. Why did he have to die??

Im still on care level 2 because of the thoughts I was having yesterday. DOH!
I feel so drained and tired! My head feels heavy and I dont have much energy.

...Ally just rocked up to get her meds. Im so glad I got to see her again. She is having a much better time at home, I can tell! She is smiling! I cannt wait til we catch up with the kids at the park or somewhere.

I have had to deal with so many things today. J and A have pulled the pin on me and Ive had to deal with Stephens memory. So many issues were brought up in the meeting. (X had wanted a second opinion on me).
Annie just came and said that she thought I had dome really well to talk about so many issues, to bring more memories out into the open, to cry uncontrollably. All that brought a tear to her eyes and she gave me a hug!
So has all this started with my memory of Stephen not being in his bed, my memory of death which I masked with my ventolin from yr 4 - yr  10. then 2yrs depressed, then masked with alcohol, then masked with baby after baby after baby after baby until now.
So much has happened today, unbelievably!!
Im not allowed out on leave so my chance to get home tomorrow and I reckon Sunday night might be a fizzer too!

There are 4 or 5 new patients here and this arvo has been chaotic with one bloke yelling abuse at the staff all arvo, and Kly too I think, cos I heard a yelling match this arvo with her involved. Its so quiet here now. R's not here (rehab) and Ally now gone. Its like I all of a sudden have noone to sit with, talk to etc. Just me and my tears!
I cannt wait to go to sleep tonight. I feel so drained, so tired. Ive had enough of today. I want to sleep and stay asleep.  I dont want to wake up, not for a long time!!
Got a message from J tonight

 Hey, sorry to hear of your friend, memories are good things to have.
I am struggling at the moment with heaps of stuff...uni is draining me completely, I am not sleeping or eating much and am trying to sort through some of my own unresolved grief...so I am exhausted....A has issues at work, I am really just wanting to 'hop on a slow boat to China' as my mum use to say. I will be ok though and get through it.

So I replied:
Ill buy you a ticket hey :) A slow boat to China sounds like good medicine.
Now Im the one feeling helpless. I wish i could fix A's staff problems, fix that hole in your heart called grief. I wish I was doing uni for you, the sleep that I do get is yours for the taking! I wish you weren't hurting physically, I wish you weren't in such a need for a break so desperately. You are strong J. Maybe not what you want to hear but you are a survivor and you will keep on going. I understand the drowning feeling but that is a thing called love that is a life rope. Remember you are loved, appreciated, wanted and needed. Just a little longer and you can rest. And if your a perfectionist like me with uni remember "P's get degrees".....easier said then done though hey!

I feel so bad for taking up so much of their time. I know they are busy and worn out. They mean so much to me and Ive pushed them away even though they say we are still friends - I can read between the lines, I know they are just being nice. They might as well say "bugger off leave me alone". But a true friend knows when to back off so that is what I will do. back off!! It is one thing though that makes my day exciting - finding I have a message from them and getting a phone call., I have nothing else in my day to look forward to in here. I love getting a message full stop!! Doesn't matter who its from!!
I cannt believe how much Ive cried today!! K (nurse) would ask me how Im going and I would tear up, I would think of J and A and I would tear up. Anything got me crying today! I cannt wait til bed time, till I can go to sleep!!

I cannt stop the tears anymore...I just want to let my tears flow and someone to talk to.
My head is sore and my eyes are red, my foot is sore from kicking the tree last night and I want someone I know here. Its so lonely here, I wish Joh was here to talk to.
I wish I was asleep forever!! I want to be somewhere quiet where noone will bother me, somewhere so I can see the stars, see the sky without anyone to pester me!

Ive spent most of today writing it seems, apart from the long time with the psychiatrists. I just cannt get over how much Ive cried. I thought I was all cried out til now. Maybe they are tears of exhaustion now!
Just got a message off A:

Hi Laura, 
J's gone to bed - hope she sleeps tonight. She is not practised at switching off. She hears that you are thinking of killing yourself and it sticks in her head where I see lots of people like that and I dont dwell on it. we do value your friendship but I think she needs just to hear the lighter stuff as being as student the heavy suicidal traumatic stuff is weighing her down and doing her head in. We really want to be your friend though....Take care,

from me to A:
Im glad she has font to bed early, hope she sleeps! I get what your saying, it was too much. Im sorry ok! really sorry. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Staff issues are always there I guess but this sounds like a real doozy for you to be losing sleep over. I see what mum goes through with staff issues there and it sure does her damage. Im always thinking of you guys during the day, hoping that your coping ok. From now on I will only tell you guys about my day in minor detail and only when you really want to know. Im sorry A I really am and wish i never dragged you guys into this and can understand your wanting to pull out. So I will only tell you if you ask and will keep it simple. Sorry.

from A, who replied very quickly:
Arrrghhh!! We dont wanna pull out!! J identifies with your pain too deeply and she takes on board your feelings and is getting dragged down herself. If you feel suicidal, she is feeling weighed down the whole day. For me, I can switch to my next 'patient' and focus on them. We think and talk about you morning, noon and night and if we didnt hear anything we would stress but I hope for J so she can study and not to worry so much...take care!

I feel slightly better now talking to A but I feel so bad that my suicidalness really plays on J's mind. If I had realised that earlier then I wouldn't have dont so. The last think I want to do is ruin her life!!

(not that I wrote it in my journal but I remember the feeling well because I still feel it now. All I wanted to do was yell at them and tell them how dare they do this to me!! Of all days to do it too!! I wanted to tell them 'I hate you!!!' even though I didnt really....I hated their action. I hate how they made me feel, I hate how I made them feel, I hate everything about that day and what they said. I feel like it started off as a lie....contact according to J, not according to A.....J busy lots on, A says she gets weighed down - I KNOW its from the time when she lost *baby girl* at 26wks in the car accident. i was soooooo angry at them. How dare they!! Yet, I know exactly why and can totally understand their reasoning.....which sucks cos all I wanted to do was tell them to go to hell)