20-22/8/09 days 3 - 5 in Mirrabook

20/8/09 DAY 3
Today I will not feel guilty. I amgoing to be strong and fight those demons that tell me otherwise. Today I am going to be strong, I will not feel guilty about being here and I will not be guilty about either. Today is the day for laura to begin a journey to a destination beyond her wildest dreams. Its not out of reach, just slighty out of view. Today is the day to feel important, to know that I matter.
People care for me! That is what will get me through when all else fails. Today is a new day. A day to take on with less fog and more sunlight.

Her
She smiles a smile
only a thousand suns could understand.
her hair shimmers in the same thousand suns.
Its said shes a caring soul,
but who am I to scoff?
Who am I to betray?
As the coulds drift by
with drops of rain,
she praises the day in all of its pain.
Does she really know of the darkness that is,
for her its as if it
doesn't exist!
She smiles a smile
only a thousand suns could understand.
Her world knows no better.

My bad days I feel: guilt, failure, overwhelmed, running away, no way out, fearful, isolated, noone understands, cannt ask for help, cannt sleep, jittery, cannt comprehend anything, cannt concentrate, sad and teary, anxious, people are judging me

My good days I feel: strong, fighter, soneone special, cared for, loved, important, I matter, guilt free.

A letter that I wrote to Jen and Andrew.....I read it to them over the phone and eventually re-wrote it and posted to them. It made J cry.....

My dearest J and A,
You have held my hand through the darkest day of my life. You are my spine and held me up straight when my world was crumbling. You are my armour in the battles with my demons.
I still need your hand and I still need you to hold me up and I still need you as my armour. My battles are far from over, my demons are far from gone, but today I have fresh air, a glimpse of the future. Today I feel strong, I am a fighter, today I am a survivor.
Never let go of me, I need you. You've seen my dark days and I want you to see my sunshine. I want you to see me through this, for I am this far because of you.
I can feel your hands holding mine, I can feel you being my strength and my courage. For if it was not for you I would not see daylight another day. It was because of you that I feel strong, corageous. I am a fighter because of your love.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough to be your reward, except to know that I am breathing, maybe that could be close enough.
I look forward to a coffee, the farmers markets, catting and seeing you. May my days be quick so I can have this joy. If there is nothing else to live for then this is it.
You are my dear friend who I shall cherish for eternity. For eternity shall owe my life to you. Never shall I see the day without being greatful of your love, kindness, care and most of all support. My darkest days have gone, may my sun shine bright all the days of my life.
Love from a dear friend who loves you both deeply,
Laura xoxox

21/8/09 DAY 4

I have to see Dr X and her team again today. Its scary talking to her! Maybe today I wont be so jittery and such a mess. I have to stop worrying. I finally got to the point where I have to let go of the independance and now admit to needing some serious help and also allowing the help but Im scared of what to do next. Where do I go from here? Do I go home? I hope not! Not yet anyway. Im just uncertain of what I have to do and I dont want to back slide to a dark day, and what do I do if I do and how do I cope? Im not sure hey!
Today Im feeling strong, although its only 8.43am. Im feeling slightly nervous at the thought of today. I dont really want to leave my room. Would prefer to just sit here and look out my window and listen to the birds sing merrily.
......Well Ive just seen Dr R - he wanted to know how I was going, wanted to know about the anxiety and what I do to help control it - told him about the scratching so the plan is to walk the corridoes and keep my hands busy - drum 2 pens together, play with my hair elastic etc. He wants to meet nath on Monday around 2pmish so Ive gotta organise that.
I soooo dont feel motivated hey. I watched a movie this morning, had lunch, wrote in here but thats about it.
I might go for a smoke hey! Would really like one - I wonder what sort of leave I have - might be allowed to have 15 minutes or so. Wonder if Rach will give me a smoke!
....They weren't going to give me any seroquel!!! Im not game enough to go a night drug free, although I feel that I could, to be honest.
They've put Keely into lock-up too and have just given her a shot to shut her up. Shit shes loud!!
ps, I think Ive lost more weight :)

The 'Man'
There's a freshness in the air,
the kind you feel in August
where the sun shines bright
against the mane of the mare.
She trots as if not a care in the world,
with her head held high.
For today is a new day
for this beautiful girl.
The open paddocks, so bare, so homely
are like a haven for her
in the midst of dispair.
But wait,
is that not man she smells?
And is not that the bark of his wolf?
Its in the distance,
yet not far from this mare.
She feels the terror of what may come.
She hides not her face from the fear of this one.
For he took her life once before
and he can take it again.

Bottle on the Shelf

Its empty again
like a bottle on the shelf.
For if life is what was,
then take it far from one's self.
Ther is no rest, no rest!
As if one must go on,
for there is no rest!
The sun may shine,
may shine for another
but for her its like death,
like death warmed up.
The feeling is there
like its printed in skin.
It's there for all to see.
Not once does it hide from all,
it stays as if nothing
will takes it fall.
'Goodbye' you say but it doe not
know the way.
Not even a push can make the pain sway.
It returns as if its empty again
like a bottle on the shelf.


This supermum is scared of the future, scared of the force behind her fear. To know what is ahead of me is like looking under water in the middle of a rip. You cannt see anything, you cannt see past your nose but you can feel the grit which gets into every crease of skin. You know whats coming up ahead but you cannt see it. Its hard work trying to grasp a lungful of air. Its frightening not knowing whether I am going to make it, frightening not knowing what to do next. Can this supermum go home bigger and better? What is bigger and better anyway?

I haven't had a message from J or A today. I need their input in my day. I need to know off them that Im doing ok. I need their address so I can send them their letter. Ive scratched my right hand today out of feeling anxious. Its hurts a little and ive stopped feeling so worried about seeing the psych team. As much as I miss my hubby and my babies Im trying not to think of them too much because I dont want the guilty feelings coming back. My family, I hope, will always be there. What a couple of weeks out of a life time really?? I miss them so much but I cannt focus on them! I have to focus on me which is sooo selfish!!
-ps. Just checked facebook and A has gastro bug! haha!

(Just so that you know, when I was admitted they check my gear - as they do - but didnt find my mobile...so I kept it hidden out of sight and used it !!!! When Nath came to visit he brough my charger in and knowing that they would check what he brough in for me he had it wrapped up in some clothing....)

Take me Home

 Take me home while you can
for to stay means nothing.
Its like hearing the Last Post,
a passing of a ghost.
Take me home to a place where
I belong,
for to stay means untouched territory,
the passing of one desert to another.
To be still is enough,
to be breathless is more,
To be scared is closer
To be at peace is further.
Like sands of the Simpson
I feel so far away
so take me home
to a place where I belong.


Simpson
As red as the Simpson
as far as east is from west
as sparse as the lake
so my soul feels fake.
As high as the rock
as colourful as the rainbow
as gem filled is the camp
so I long for some rest.
No longer do I feel
My eyes are like the Simpson,
The Simpson is my soul.
Far, wide, dry.
Nothing there but quietness.
Nothing but a soaring eagle.
The quenching need of peace
is what my soul shall be.no longer do I cry
No longer do I see
my eyes are forever dry.


Recovery is a journey and more than a destination.
Recovery is a process and more than an outcome.

you sau there is a light
but its nowhere in sight.
You say this will end
and that my heart will mend.
Im frightened and scared,
Im thankful you cared.
Im not sure what comes after this
so scared I am I could give this a miss.
Tell me, tell me what to feel
put it in pen and give it a seel.
I want to feel safe
I want to feel free
but noone can give me
what it is that Im looking for.

What is life, a meaningful life? Is it a positiveness that never losses grip? Self determination is potential as long as one is flourishing! Ha! For real?? I think Im still moratorium or atleast aware. Its not all a loss and there is finally no guilt but what can I see? Its uncertain and I haven't a choice. Theres meaning and purpose yet to be explored, its psychological recovery so they say, for me its mumbo jumbo and not anything else.


Another day has been, no sun in sight. I think it was hiding! A glimpse of the future I saw again today. The future is looking bright. yet something so bright so sparkely and clear is frightening to one who is living in fear. To take that step forward for this troubled soul is like standing on edge at 'hanging rock'. So cheers to the many who have taken that step, those who brave the fear of the future. To do so will be so great to do so i will defeat the fear.


22/8/09 DAY 5 Mirrabook

Who am I? I feel like Ive been stripped of my image. Im afraid of trying to find out who I am. I know who I am with all the achievements but what else is there other than that? can I be someone with no achievements? Its scary and Im not sure what to think.
Opening my eyes for a new day is frightening in itself, let alone thinking of the future.
its Saturday so just have to bum through today and tomorrow with the odd visitor. How can I spend 2 days soul seatching when i dont know what Im searching for? Am I looking for me? But who is me? How can I be someone without achievements? I wish I had the answers.

Talking to Nath on the phone last night was so good! For ages he knew something was wrong, he thinks even after Jonty was born was where this may have started. I kept saying back then that nothing was wrong, that I was ok, because deep down I knew I wasn't ok but did not want to admit it, for admitting it would be disaster! Admitting to him that something was wrong would mean admitting to myself that some thing and I didnt want to do that.
But here I am with it out in the open. Im glad I did but fee I wish I hadn't. I should be at home cooking and cleaning for my family. I should be kissing them and holding them and telling them 'I love you'.
But Im here instead being stripped of the laura that was. What to do next? I haben't a clue!! Atleast the sun is shining today. Maybe today can be day 3 of feeling good, like life is worth living. Im alive and that is a great thing!


leave me here in the basking sun for today is another with uncertain future. As I sit and ponder again I see a day of nothing once more. Everyone there is smiling and chatting while I sit here writing. I wonder whats next in the day of depression for the guilt has fone so what is next?

The Verandah
A dog barks
a plane hums
as I sit here and ponder

the sun shines
the wind whispers
as I sit here and talk to the few.

a coffee is drunk
a few words are spoke
as I sit here and look at the view.

as the clock ticks
as the time foes
as the sun shines
I site here and feel better for it.
I can smile once more.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of dispair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of gried and bereavementm who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our pwerlessness, that is a friend who cares" - Henri Nouwen.

"You'd wish the world would grind to a halt, but it doesn't , you have to go on and you have to find your own peace with it"

The Sword
To walk through that door
to the world of the unknown
is a fear I have that I want no more.
What will it be like to go for a shop
or even to go home for a cuddle and kiss.
Then to return to my sanctuary
where safety within,
will be like sitting in front of a fire
 on a cold winters night.
But to tuck in my beauties
into their beds
will be a luxury away from this place.
its a double edged sword,
one or the other,
its a hard choice.


Today I have hope that my mood will be better. Ive rid of the guilt but I have no idea what is ahead. Am I better? I feel better, but Im still not quite sure. Im afraid to go home not knowing who I am, Im afraid to go home and to return to what I felt. If I have to stand still for the next 100yrs, then so be it, as long as I dont take a step backwards.
I dont know who I am! I cannt wait til Joh visits tomorrow, I hope she can help me discover me! Who am I without the achievements? I should like a bloody broken record hey! But what is next in the life of my depression? Am I depressed still? I sound happier! I feel happier! But thats because I feel safe in here, Im scared of what I will feel out there.

Not Again!
I thought the fantasies would stop
I thought I had taken a step foward
but then it slams you in the face.
A kiss goodbye with a squeeze
was all it took to smack me down.
I thought I was strong
but ive been proven wrong.
As I sat there I pondered the trees as i sat there I cried some tears.
Whats wrong with me?
I thought I was coming good!?!
Well obviously not
as I sit here and wish I was there.

(I remember writing this - I was sitting out in the courtyard. It was dark and I looked at one of the trees in there and wondered how long it would take for a nurse to notice me hanging there. I wondered how far I would get through hanging myself before I would be stopped. All I could see was me in that tree - hanging, lifeless, pale and noone around.)

The Promise
To think your coming good
to know that your not
is like a knife to the heart.
its to be breathless
to not be able to grasp reality.
Its as if you come up for ait,
to ne pushed uner again, held there!
Pushing you down, holding you there!
To know your a long way from home,
to think you are almost there
is like rain clouds in the desert.
The clouds offer a promise of hope,
a promise of life,
yet as usual the rain does not fall,
only threatens.
The clouds hover above the vast scape, promising
yet not delivering.
To come good is to dream
to dream is to come good.


Filled with empty spaces with holes so cannt be filled, theres distance between me and the other me. Feeling incomplete is as natural as the air. The distance is wide, its filled with nothing. The nothing is incomplete. The nothing is darkness wrapped in empty space.

J
Your voice I can not hear,
what are you saying?
I need your comfort
your acknowledgement of my day.
I am feeling crap and I want you
to know it hasn't gone away!
I need your help and cannt feel your hand.
Where oh where are you?
I need you, you are my life support.



Been having some nasty thoughts tonight. So much for trying to go drug free huh! I dont feel like a failure even though ive taken seroquel and a sleeping tablet. So here to a night of sleeping!

The best thing about today was playing with my babies and seeing their happy smiley faces, but I miss Bridie, she was at home. The worse part about today was the sinking feeling I had as they left. What a horrible few hours afterwards I tell you!! But for now its goodnight and try again tomorrow. Joh is coming in the arvo! Yay!! That will put a smile on my face!!