4-6/9/09 day 18 - 20

4/9/09 Day 18
Im anxious already again this morning. My heart rate is 98 and Im quite shaky (although my hand writing is ok at this point). G (on of the RNs) suggested taking seroquel before I go out but I dont want to rely on it. Ill just take it when I get back.
I played the piano for a bit this morning to calm myself down but it didnt really work hey!
Im going to get them to put my ipod on charge while Im gone so i can listen to it when I get back.
Ive been sleeping ok at night. The last 2 mornings Ive woken up at 5am and eventually got back to sleep this morning. The zyprexa doesn't make me sleepy anymore at night like it use to the first time I had it. Ive been getting to sleep pretty well too. (although, this is all drug induced and no where near natural sleep). In the mornings I dont feel like crap like the seroquel made me feel. When I was taking that I wasn't getting out of bed til like 9am and now Im getting up at 7.30ish! Zyprexa is soooo much better than seroquel but seroquel is good for the nerves. I hope that when I do go home that Ill bee able to have a script for seroquel as well as zyprexa and efexor.
The world has got a little dizzy this morning just before so I did some breathing to relax and it has taken the edge off a little. Wish mum would hurry up and get here :)


....Shopping went ok with Mum. I felt pretty good when I got in the car but after all the shopping I was pretty anxious and it got worse when I got back here, so Ive had seroquel to calm me down. Mum bought me stacks of stuff. I got 3 nice tops from Rockmans, 2 dresses from Prototype, jeans from target (like I need more lol), 2 t-shirts and shoes frokm Colorado. For lunch we had a yummy spinach and ricotta sausage roll too . Oh and a handbag too from Colorado.
(I also had to go to IMB while I was there and do some transfering for the mortgage, which to Mums surprise, I was able to do - remember the access codes etc, knew what I was doing without a glitch - didnt think anything of it until I saw Mum looking at me quite suprised and when she told Sinclair about it - to which Sinclair thought that that was brilliant! A sign i was getting ready to go home - like Im going to forget numbers!! As if!! This is just one thing I DONT forget or fail at!!)
Im not as anxious as yesturday cos my handwriting isn't as bad and I had seroquel earlier into being back than I did yesturday.
Joh is coming up on Sunday and we are off to have a nice coffee - cannt wait!!
...Just had meeting with X, going to keep me on 2hrs escorted leave and she wants to see Mum on monday or tuesday arvo. She said my cholesterol was a little elevated but will check it again next week and if it has raised she will take me off zyprexa (damn!!) Hope my cholesterol is ok etc cos I dont wanna change meds hey, although zyprexa makes you crave carbs! (those little 2 pack of bikkies in the ice cream container next to the coffee machine never looked so good!)....so changing COULD be a good thing..

5/9/09 DAY 19

Have woken a little anxious again today. But Im sitting in the courtyard reading my new book.
....The nerves have gone for the time being and for the first time in a long time I feel happy and feel a lot less depressed. Today I feel like I can tackle whatever life has to offer. Today I feel like my smiles and my happiness is not a mask. Today I feel like I have conquered hell. I am strong and I am a fighter and I am a survivor. Ive put make up on and Im wearing a dress (OMG!!!!), my hair is a beautiful black (which X of course if analysing!! She is actually amazed I did it myself....I offered to do hers....and almost said yes lol). I wonder if being dressed up has helped??
I cannt believe Ive nearly filled this journal, must admit its used up 2 pens!! Ive managed to survive yet another bed strip!! They sooooooo cannt trust me hey!! They cannt trust us quiet, well behaved ones hey!! Dunno what I would do if I couldn't have full access to J and A. It would be an 'a' class nightmare!!
....The park was lots of fun and the kids really enjoyed it. I didnt even think about how I was feeling until mum asked me when we were getting ready to go - why did she have to do that for goodness sake!

Seed of hope
Somewhere deep in my heart
is a buried seed,
a seed of hope.
It isn't even a light,
I cannt see any light to
guide me out of this cruel
and unfair world.
But that seed of hope
has always existed,
and it implants itself
in my mind.
its power is strong,
it makes me feel that
one day everything will
be alright.
It is my escape
and my dream.

Ally and I have had a great afternoon laughing at Kly and stories of her, and Monik and my room mate Bc. who is noisy as all hell and a new patient, old bloke, who calls himself Harry Potter but he has managed to get himself into 'the bin' (seclusion, lock up, the bin.....) by S (HASA) so its been a really good and entertaining this arvo!
Mum didnt quiz me about having the arm flexi on today (or yesturday either). I told her it was to cover the hospital band; which it was too, but the cuts too.
My writing has got heaps messy lately huh! oh well!
Ive been heaps dizzy sort of lately, like the world is rocking and I get that moving feeling (like when your crossing the Tasman in massive swells!) when Ive been laying in bed with my eyes shut. So Ill need to tell the Dr's about that tomorrow. Mum is coming up too to see Sinclair - not tomorrow - Monday....

6/9/09 day 20
 I woke up with MASSIVE chest pain during the night. It was like a stabbing pain! My Ob's were normal and my HR was 108BPM. I had an ECG which came back normal. They put it down to an anxiety attack! But in the middle of the night where I was in sheer excruciating pain??!!
This morning I just feel tired - maybe from a bad night sleep but its a different tired. I feel depressed tired. Ive only just become tight chested and I feel a little anxious. Its like Im worried about something, about going out in public this arvo with Joh. Im not sure what it is, I feel like curling up in my little hole and not coming out of it today. I just feel like shit!
Amanda (one of the patients) wants to me teach her some piano (god that girl can talk ya ear off hey!!) but I dont really want to, I dont want to think about piano or music or performance or teaching or even look at the piano! I just want to sit down and be able to play trouble free - not struggle and forget how a piece goes. Its frustrating and I hate it with a passion!!!!!
Im scared of going home and having to face reality. What if I cannt cope? what happens if I want to hurt myself, not that I want to but when the urge comes its so hard to hold back!
I want to cut my arm again and take the pain in my soul away and put it somewhere else. But Ive promised the psych's and J that I wont do it again. I hate making promises cos then I have to keep them, I hate breaking promises, HATE IT!!
I think I need to go talk to C or one of the other nurses. I just want this feeling to stop! I want to and need to focus on something else for a while.
I cannt cry still either. Its like my tears have gone on a holiday - Ive got no tears left it seems!!
....I cried!! All I want to do is die, I want to hang myself and end all this pain.
I want to use my bedsheets and jump from a balcony. Ive had to take a seroquel - Ally went and told one of the nurses. C asked if I have a plan, i said no, but I do - bed sheets and a balcony.
I just want all this pain to stop and depression to leave!! I want to be able to focus on something else. Ive picked at one of my scabs on my arm to make it bleed. I want to bleed, i want to die and I want to feel free.
But I dont want to hurt Nath and I dont want to hurt the kids. Suicide wont hurt me, it will hurt everyone else and that sucks!
I feel really weak today, like Ive got no muscle to help me walk. Even carrying this journal is hard work. I feel slightly dopey from the seroquel. Even writing is an effort right now. Lucky my body automatically breaths for me cos I wouldn't breath if I had to force myself.
Everything is taking all the energy that I have.

I cried a million tears
I cried with not only
with tears
but with my heart.
My tears came on
that box car of the
ever-rolling train.
The train that carries
my soul away.
Soaked in sadness
soaked in fear
drenched in depression
fails to bring hope
that the red dirt road
gives.
My heart bleeds
as my eyes cry
a million tears.


You made them do it
you twisted their minds,
you make my mind jolt
you twist my soul
so that it bleeds.
you wake me mid-night
you squeeze the life
out of me.
You wrap your barbed wire
hands around my soul
squeezing as tight
as you can.
You make me hate
you take my love
you have taken my life
no longer am I free
no longer can I breath.

The thoughts of killing myself are different to before. Im not laughing this time. Its like Ive become serious about it now and I wasn't before (although they will analyse this differently).
Im soooo tired from fighting my demons, I feel tired from having to live up to the expectation of being someone who 'should' be a fighter. I dont want to fight. I dont want to feel like crap!! Im only alive still because of my family. I know I should be foing htis for me but all I want to do is give up, not do this anymore!!
My body feels heavy, my arms weigh a tonne, and my head feels heavy. So are my eye lids, they just want to shut but my eyes sting when they shut.
Its sooo bizarre how I feel. One half of me is saying 'FIGHT' while the other half says 'GIVE IN' (these halves are not 50/50....more like 90/10 - bad/good). How is it possible to do one thing or think about it when you really dont want to ? How can I want to hang myself when I have a wonderful family - a beautiful hubby and gorgeous kids? Surely thats super wrong!!

I cannt wait til Joh gets here, maybe going out for a while will cheer me up a little, maybe not! I need to be safe and I am with Joh.
......Had a good time with joh. Had a coffee at the shops, went for a nice long walk for 30min and then nipped into coles quickly so I could get a few things. She came back here for a while.
I didnt eat dinner tonight. I dont feel like eating, I dont want to put weight on and Ive already put some one since being in here. Plus I wasn't all that hungry either.
N just said my whole look has changed - that I look worse than before, like Ive let my wall down and they can see whats really going on - they really can see the depression now. (Take note - we are VERY good at hiding depression us humans....so much that even the professionals struggle to pick it up unless words are spoken!).
Thats probably because Ive cried today and they have seen it, Im not being fake anymore.
But at the same time Joh said I looked really good and that you cannt tell whats going on on the inside.

I wish I was a train
carrying my troubles.
My tears and fears
to worlds end.
I wish I was a train
for a train cannt weep
and a train cannt feel.
I wish I was a train
so my heart is warm
and my hope is alive.
Let my spirit ride
on that ever-rolling train.
leave all my worries behind
in the fire,
let the flames dance
oh how I wish I was a train.


The sun rises and the sun sets
the clouds move across the sky
the stars glisten on the dark backdrop
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
The wind whispers the secrets of life
the flowers blossom
and the trees lose their leaves
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
Spring comes and goes,
the snow falls and melts,
the desert sun ripples across the
horizon as a mirage forms
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.
A baby is born and the elderly die
children play and daddy's work
the sun rises and the sun sets
and as the world spins day after day
I long for everything to come to a halt.