IN THE BEGINNING:
18/7/09
A's Facebook Status: "How can so many teens from the same school commit suicide?"
24/7/09
"Hey A - just a quick question. Do you think we ever get over the crap we sometimes go through? All those horrible emotions came back the last couple of days that I haven't felt in a long time which brought up more crap and more memories that shouldn't exist."
30/7/09
If suicide wasnt so final, if my beautiful babies wouldnt suffer for the rest if their lives, Id be on that train. I want it to end
31/7/09
I made a promise to you and J remember. Between that and my love for my kids nothing will happen.
Im itchy and making myself bleed from scratching so much, my arms are sore. Im scared Im going to fail you.
2/8/09 (Amys 4th birthday)
It feels like you are full of dark & heavy fog, like theres a tonne of bricks on your heart, theres demons in your head whispering things to you.
3/8/09/
Can you intentionally burn yourself
Im nothing at the moment.
4/8/09 (the day I go to see my gp and tell him what Ive been thinking and feeling....)
I almost didnt get out of the car. I almost drove home, its so hard asking for help.
5/8/09
I feel all alone going through this.
Asking for help is admitting Ive failed. Super-Laura is just that - super! Laura can take on anything - just at the moment wants to take on trucks and bullbars or drive off the bridge instead.
Everything Im doing & saying now feels fake as! Im existance with no purpose.
To J: Without you guys I would be a wreck
6/8/09
To J: I survived the visit from my perfect friend!
7/8/09
(The day after I had another appointment with Dr mike, my GP, who I blantently lied to when he asked if I was suicidal - I almost drove off the bridge on the way to the appointment - I was afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. On the way home I was milliseconds from driving off the bridge when I noticed Bridie was in the car - I looked in the rear vision mirror to make sure noone was coming up beside me when I saw her smiling back at me.....thats when I changed my mind and didnt do it. 9hrs later I almost stabbed myself with the largest kitchen knife we have after realising I had no idea how to get into the gun safes. I was joking around on facebook laughing at photos and status' while chatting to my friend Joh and laughed about almost driving off the bridge - irrational thinking and actions!! She soon realised that this was serious, was emailing A about what to do.......To stop myself from suiciding that night I had to force myself to believe that there was a tonne of bricks on my chest and picture the kids faces. I was screaming and holding the bed sheets so I wouldn't get up. A had told me in our phone call only 15min before this to ring him if I didnt feel safe. I eventually felt brave enough to grab my mobile and message him. He instantly rang. I dont remember much but I know I gave him Mums phone number and he rang her. Nathan was at work - he had no idea what had gone on that afternoon with the bridge, I had tried telling him that I thought I had depression but it was fobbed off. I hadn't let on to anyone other than A & J and Joh. It was about 1am when all this happened. A rang Mum, told her who he was and that she should go over and stay with me. Joh took me to casualty 7/8 where I was prescribed Zyprexa - an antipsychotic. The male nurse working in triage that day was so gentle and sensative. I remember he put his hand on me knee and said 'Dont worry love, we're going to help you'.)
My secret is out!!
I feel soooo drained.
To J: I have failed Nathan as a wife and the kids as a mother. Ive failed. Simple yet I know that I haven't and that Im sick.
I made a deal with Andrew that I would ring if I was going to do something nasty. I kept it.
(So many times recently I had gone into town to do the shopping, or go to the bank etc and almost driven in the other direction instead of going home - I could have soooo easily driven in the other direction and go missing for the rest of my life.)
9/8/09
I still cannt say to myself that I was suicidal.
10/8/09
It was all of a sudden you got to know the inside story of 'Laura'
To J: All I felt like doing was curling up in a ball to die. I didnt want to be around someone who was happy and smiley.
11/8/09
Faking it just makes me feel like Im lying to my friends, like Im not letting them in to my world. Its horrible, I hate being fake......HATE IT!!!!
To J: Its good knowing that you know how I feel and understand the fakeness that is in all of this.
Im extremely anxious today and have struggled doing much at all.
12/8/09
Im truely $#%!ed in the head hey.
I see the seriousness of suicide yet I dont feel it. I know the seriousness of depression but at the same time I dont care.
13/8/09
Im over talking about this &%#*
I could write so much stuff but I just dont care anymore. I just deleted everything I wrote. Who cares!! So over it!!
To J: Im sick of talking about me.
14/8/09
Whats wrong with me? I didnt cry. (My friends and I went and saw 'My Sister's Keeper')
To J: Your friendship Jen is one of the most important ones Ive ever had and treaure you care, support and love so very much.
15/8/09
I feel out of control today.
16/8/09
I wanna scream the whole *&%$ing $hi7 f*!% of a f*!%ing house down!!!!
17/8/09
Maja, my friend who has gone through depression herself, takes me to community health in town where they assess me and tell her to take me to emergency. She takes me home, I pack a bag with some clothes and toiletries etc and we head up to cas where they were waiting for us. That is where I was assessed and eventually that night taken to Mirrabook, Shellharbour Hospital at around 9pm. I would be going 'blank' where my mind and conciousness would disappear to la-la land. La-la land was where I was fantasising about suicide, convincing myself that Nathan and the kids would be fine without me, thinking new ways of a successful suicide etc. I couldn't concentrate on anything and struggled comprehending anything that was being said to me. It was like I was a 3yr old - simple and slow talking the better. I would go from being severely lethargic to being bright and churpy quite quickly....
The next part will be the start of my actual hospital admission entries into my journal.
But for now....something that I wrote about guilt.
19/8/09
It feels like a tonne of bricks weighing my soul,
It doesn't gel with what is right.
Ill just stay in my hole.
You say it will change,
like'd you'd know!
You had your hole, ive got mine
and now your sun will show me what to think.
Na, its my holw here, you were over there.
Im full of guilt and dispair.
The sun will shine you say.
Maybe for you, but not in my day.
It feels like a tonne of bricks,
weighing my soul
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