23 Oct. 2010......update on recent stuff
Well I rang Shellharbour Hospital yesturday and they are sending me the paperwork to receive my patient file. I wonder what they have written about me? Its kind of scary thinking that Im going to have it in my hot little hands soon but I love the idea too!! I should ring the Shoalhaven hospital too and get what they have written about me on the 2 times I was in casualty theres. Oh, I just thought - the community health centre too......
Would love to see what R has written about me too but Im not so interested in her report at the moment - just hospital.
Makes me wonder if Monique is still in Mirrabook, I would say she is. Kinda sad really that there is noone to take her and to show her how to look after herself - especially her diabetes. And all that extra cost to have her there, every day for 19mths atleast.....all because noone out there wants her.....sad really!!
This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
4-14/11/09
4/11/09
Anxiety has been a bit more under control today when Mum rang around 1pm and asked how I was going then it started. I had a cuppa in town with Em which was nice and then went for a run tonight.
Ive been making sure that each day I get some sort of time out, whether its when Im in town I go get a chai and most days I try to go for a walk down in the bush. Yesturday and today I have tried running for a bit. Im aiming to lost at least 5kg so Im back to 65kg or even less would be great.
I am going to try and find 5 positive things about tomorrow to look forward to but I also need to start writing the positives about each day.
1. Felt motivated to get some cleaning done, put clothes away
2. Had a cuppa in town
3. Helped Nath with basketball ring and had fun mucking around outside. (reminded me of all the time spent down at the Bryces house as a kid....!)
4. Felt under control with cooking dinner
5. Had a good run in the rain
Tomorrow's 5 to look forward to:
1. Kids will be at kindy so house will be quiet
2. Not much housework to do
3. Getting tatt finished off - bring it on!! Love that pain
4. Watching a movie or 2 in the morning
5. walk or run in the arvo
I need to start thinking positive, so here are some things I love about Nath:
* The way he shows the kids animals, like the blue tongue when he gets home after night shift
* builds them a basketball ring
* fixes their bikes
* today he unpacked and repacked the dishwasher without me having to ask
*gives them a bath so I can cook dinner in peace
* plays tackles with the kids and rumbles on the floor with them
Dusty Track
Its a moment in waiting
out on the horizon
with a dusty track
leading there.
Is there a pot of gold
at the end of the track?
For as far as the eye can see
near and far,
is a plain scattered
with trees and bush,
a river, clear and flowing.
The horizon is far
with many corners
in the track to follow.
Yet somehow that
track reaches the moment
in waiting,
with all disruptions along the way.
The dusty track is leading there,
the moment in waiting
out on the horizon.
5/11/09
Found this quote that applies to J as a friend:
Friends are like roses; they are beautiful and gentle, but will cause pain in the process of defending themselves.
6/11/09
Tatt is finished. We're going out to Hot Rocks for dinner (Stonegrill) for dinner with the girls, will be nice but not sure how I will cope with the anxiety - if it gets bad Ill just sink a few more reds.
....so dinner was good. I wasn't anxious at all which really surprised me, which makes me think that its the setting which sets off the anxiety, not the girls. I feel soooo different though, compared to them. I dont know how to explain it.
I feel so tired and I want to shut my eyes but I feel like I need peace, peace from my crap life. I feel so drained and I feel really guilty for being a person who needs help. I feel bad because I need Nath's support but he's only just had his own meltdown, so what if Im too much for him? What if he things Im being selfish because Im putting me first? What if we are doomed to fail at everything we do??
A thousand tongues
sing of your amazing grace,
of how their soul longs after you.
You may have knitted me in
my mothers womb
but in my despair
you left me, hanging
in the scorching sun rays.
My heart longs to be owned
not by you
but by someone who protects.
This wretched soul
is lost and not found,
you have poured lifes
contempt over my body,
filling my blood with
the iniquities of the lost souls.
Heaven forbid you keep a promise!
Heaven forbid you break a promise!
For if you so loved us all
you would not forsake us
as we were possessed
by your almighty enemy.
I look to my arm
the scars are fluorescent
in the nights light.
I feel like Ive won a battle,
have scars of proof.
Each one has a memory
etched into my mind;
the place, the time, the how.
My moments of hatred
are here to stay,
hatred of life, hatred of myself.
They dont ask, I dont think
they look, maybe they do,
I have no way of telling.
But they are my friends,
they understand what
Im going through,
They give me warmth,
strength, peace,
they were created when
I needed them most.
7/11/09
Its sooo bloody annoying, there is so much tension and even though its through a computer screen I KNOW its there....intuition!! I know A doesn't really want to reply to my messages, I spose he does out of kindness. J is avoiding my like the plague and if I didnt email them they certainly wouldn't email me - that I can guarantee. So my test is to not email them, reply to status updates, nothing! Then if they do write to me soon then cool, they still care. So much of me wants to yell at them, kick and scream, tell them how much it friggin' hurts being left like that. The other part of me understand their logic behind their fucked up actions.
Drunk lots last night. Feels good. Always does, thats why I either drink LOTS or not at all.
9/11/09
So far, my challenges this week have been pretty major. Dinner with the girls, then went to church yesturday - god knows why, it only causes anxiety to the max!! Ive survived so far but during church I had 3 MAJOR anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't cope being there. I got a little teary a few times and almost walked out but Gail held my hand, she knew what was going on. I was teary cos I couldn't shake the shit out of me. I wanted to kick and scream and fight anyone who looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. She is picking me up for dinner tonight.
I dont feel well today, gastro-ish, all I wanted to do was sleep! I could have slept forever!!
I love Nath so much! For the first time in a long time I feel connected with him, like we have fallen in love again. Its so blissful this feeling xx
Dinner with Gail was really good. She said that the anxiety attacks in church yesterday were some spiritual attack. She said as a teenager she knew something was up, she knew I was high. She thought it may have been attention seeking, said I always had to be the funny girl, the girl everyone liked, and its true and I was like this because I have no self esteem, everything I showed was the total opposite of what I felt. Even now I have no self esteem even though Im highly driven.
It was so good catching up because we haven't really caught up in the past 10yrs.
11/11/09
She has a house
She has a family
She has everything
A girl needs.
But she's tired
And she's desperate
But is she desperate enough?
She has an aching soul
She has tears
She has an uncomfortable heart
But she is content
And she is at peace,
But the demons still possess.
She is her family's smile.
She is their glue.
She is their strength
Yet for herself
She is weak, lost, frail.
To her, her family
Is her glue,
They are her glue and her strength
I have to have everyone like me, Im not outgoing and Im not as strong as what you may thing. Im not happy and easy going. I fear failure, I fear not being elite enough, I have to achieve the best in everything I do. I would rather sit quietly in the back of the room where no one notices me, I change my opinions depending who I talk to, my thoughts, character etc to suit those around me. I dont trust my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, I am not good enough for myself and Im not good enough for anyone else. I want to be able to solve other peoples problems and have someone recognise mine but leave it as that.
I use to wake during the night
to break the evil sight,
just to remind myself that
everything will be alright.
My life was at its height
thinking I could carry on
with all my might.
This was to be my plight
to carry myself through
and to continue the fight.
But the chains around my neck
were more than tight,
never to let its grip relax,
not even slight.
Going to catch up with Joh tomorrow, will be good to see how she is. Her Nathan has been in Melbourne for work. Wonder if she's had another afternoon of laying on the kitchen floor??
I feeling more like God is real today but Im not sure if I want to do something about it. it feels too hard to get my so called christian life in order when the rest of my life if just holding together. I know what I should be doing - reading the bible, praying, trusting, having faith, but really, its all just shit. Maybe Im just scared that Im wasting time..who would want to save my hell driven soul??
14/11/09
Okay day today. Just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am is a sleep in lately. It takes me soooo long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed. Plus seroquel is still kicking around in my system a little so that if I get up too early I feel side-swiped for another couple of hours. My eyes force themselves shut, literally!!
I feel calm with feelings lately, although yestuday was a bad day. I feel so content where i an and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of the ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay where I am and that will do me!!
I just feel like living a mundaine life with nothing to challenge me, puch me...Nothing!! If it was just me or if I could pick the perfect day I would stay in my house, lock all the doors and windows, keep teh curtains shut, take the phone off the hook and not even look out a window - not once. I would telly all day, lay on the lounge and only get up when I absolutely had to!!
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories.
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her DNA,
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on,
although the damage has
already been complete.
Engraved into her soul,
grooved into her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque,
the path slippery when wet.
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can be dealt
with one at a time.
A thousand tongues
sing of your amazing grace,
of how their soul longs after you.
You may have knitted me in
my mothers womb
but in my despair
you left me, hanging
in the scorching sun rays.
My heart longs to be owned
not by you
but by someone who protects.
This wretched soul
is lost and not found,
you have poured lifes
contempt over my body,
filling my blood with
the iniquities of the lost souls.
Heaven forbid you keep a promise!
Heaven forbid you break a promise!
For if you so loved us all
you would not forsake us
as we were possessed
by your almighty enemy.
I look to my arm
the scars are fluorescent
in the nights light.
I feel like Ive won a battle,
have scars of proof.
Each one has a memory
etched into my mind;
the place, the time, the how.
My moments of hatred
are here to stay,
hatred of life, hatred of myself.
They dont ask, I dont think
they look, maybe they do,
I have no way of telling.
But they are my friends,
they understand what
Im going through,
They give me warmth,
strength, peace,
they were created when
I needed them most.
7/11/09
Its sooo bloody annoying, there is so much tension and even though its through a computer screen I KNOW its there....intuition!! I know A doesn't really want to reply to my messages, I spose he does out of kindness. J is avoiding my like the plague and if I didnt email them they certainly wouldn't email me - that I can guarantee. So my test is to not email them, reply to status updates, nothing! Then if they do write to me soon then cool, they still care. So much of me wants to yell at them, kick and scream, tell them how much it friggin' hurts being left like that. The other part of me understand their logic behind their fucked up actions.
Drunk lots last night. Feels good. Always does, thats why I either drink LOTS or not at all.
9/11/09
So far, my challenges this week have been pretty major. Dinner with the girls, then went to church yesturday - god knows why, it only causes anxiety to the max!! Ive survived so far but during church I had 3 MAJOR anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't cope being there. I got a little teary a few times and almost walked out but Gail held my hand, she knew what was going on. I was teary cos I couldn't shake the shit out of me. I wanted to kick and scream and fight anyone who looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. She is picking me up for dinner tonight.
I dont feel well today, gastro-ish, all I wanted to do was sleep! I could have slept forever!!
I love Nath so much! For the first time in a long time I feel connected with him, like we have fallen in love again. Its so blissful this feeling xx
Dinner with Gail was really good. She said that the anxiety attacks in church yesterday were some spiritual attack. She said as a teenager she knew something was up, she knew I was high. She thought it may have been attention seeking, said I always had to be the funny girl, the girl everyone liked, and its true and I was like this because I have no self esteem, everything I showed was the total opposite of what I felt. Even now I have no self esteem even though Im highly driven.
It was so good catching up because we haven't really caught up in the past 10yrs.
11/11/09
She has a house
She has a family
She has everything
A girl needs.
But she's tired
And she's desperate
But is she desperate enough?
She has an aching soul
She has tears
She has an uncomfortable heart
But she is content
And she is at peace,
But the demons still possess.
She is her family's smile.
She is their glue.
She is their strength
Yet for herself
She is weak, lost, frail.
To her, her family
Is her glue,
They are her glue and her strength
I have to have everyone like me, Im not outgoing and Im not as strong as what you may thing. Im not happy and easy going. I fear failure, I fear not being elite enough, I have to achieve the best in everything I do. I would rather sit quietly in the back of the room where no one notices me, I change my opinions depending who I talk to, my thoughts, character etc to suit those around me. I dont trust my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, I am not good enough for myself and Im not good enough for anyone else. I want to be able to solve other peoples problems and have someone recognise mine but leave it as that.
I use to wake during the night
to break the evil sight,
just to remind myself that
everything will be alright.
My life was at its height
thinking I could carry on
with all my might.
This was to be my plight
to carry myself through
and to continue the fight.
But the chains around my neck
were more than tight,
never to let its grip relax,
not even slight.
Going to catch up with Joh tomorrow, will be good to see how she is. Her Nathan has been in Melbourne for work. Wonder if she's had another afternoon of laying on the kitchen floor??
I feeling more like God is real today but Im not sure if I want to do something about it. it feels too hard to get my so called christian life in order when the rest of my life if just holding together. I know what I should be doing - reading the bible, praying, trusting, having faith, but really, its all just shit. Maybe Im just scared that Im wasting time..who would want to save my hell driven soul??
14/11/09
Okay day today. Just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am is a sleep in lately. It takes me soooo long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed. Plus seroquel is still kicking around in my system a little so that if I get up too early I feel side-swiped for another couple of hours. My eyes force themselves shut, literally!!
I feel calm with feelings lately, although yestuday was a bad day. I feel so content where i an and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of the ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay where I am and that will do me!!
I just feel like living a mundaine life with nothing to challenge me, puch me...Nothing!! If it was just me or if I could pick the perfect day I would stay in my house, lock all the doors and windows, keep teh curtains shut, take the phone off the hook and not even look out a window - not once. I would telly all day, lay on the lounge and only get up when I absolutely had to!!
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories.
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her DNA,
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on,
although the damage has
already been complete.
Engraved into her soul,
grooved into her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque,
the path slippery when wet.
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can be dealt
with one at a time.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
14/10 - 3/11/09
14/10/09
never say never
Never will I ever feel like this
You say Im past the worst
but where were you
when I needed you most?
You never left me
You were always there.
You found me
surrounded by trees,
Never will I feel so lost again
You only put me through
what it is that I can handle.
But all you've done is leave me in shame.
Never will I trust someone
who says never,
Because what you promise
Hasn't happened under my sun.
Leave me in peace
As I ponder the dreary heart
And being of my soul.
Let those around me know
My love for them
But never say never.
Anxiety is high today. I went into town this morning and had a coffee and cake, read my book for 5min and all I did was shake the whole time. It felt like everyone was looking at me. I took a seroquel when I got home, put Bridie to bed and had some sleep on the lounge. Sleep definitely has something to do with how I feel, the less sleep I have the more anxious I am the next day.
Secret Valley
The thick fog settles low in the valley,
And the sun rises slowly over the mountain.
There's a hidden mystery about the day,
a secret hidden beneath the canopy.
The creature below, the bird of the sky
Have their lips sealed,
The key throw n away into abyss.
As the fog disappears
And as the sun rises further above,
Life's secret is slowly given
Piece by piece
to those who are willing to listen,
to feel, to obey and to choose.
The path through the forest
Lead to nowhere in particular
But along the way,
Life's mysteries unfold,
One by one the puzzle pieces
Are laid in place.
Its the end of another day
Here in the valley
Where the fog begins to grow,
Where the birds settle in their nests
And where life's mysteries lay
In waiting for another day.
2. No radio or books in bed, bed is for sleeping.
3. No nanna naps!
4. Never lay awake for longer than 30minutes
5. No telly / computer during the night if I get up.
A gift of freedom,
The unwanted gift of life
Is something a stranger
Would grasp in their fist.
This unwanted gift of breath
Is something some throw in the trash
While others beg, breath
And clutch onto for life.
Being shaken, the truth
Swallowed hard,
Forced into ones eyesight
Was like a slap to ones cheek.
The feeling was one
Not to forget
As my heart ached
To beat again as the fist
That held it tight
Tried to make sense
Of the selfishness that
Was almost brought forward.
To see the other side of an
Action almost brought on
Is to breath air, fresh and vibrant
And feet ready to move on.
The pain wasn't that bad, was like someone was cutting me with a knife. Some spots were a but on the nippy side, up the top mainly. The pain was awesome mentally....was being cut but with an outcome!! I love that pain, its friggin' awesome!!
Unknown Territory
(written while feeling good)
The numbness of life that
Shimmers through your blood
Squirms its way into you heart,
Translucent to those around you.
You heart is matter in knots,
You are fearful to unravel
The mess you feel.
But the velvety touch of
The depression you are in
Is like a roast on the fire
On a cold winter's night.
Safe and protected are you
From the fear of wellness
That you would rather rot
Then tread steps on
unknown territory.
How dare I be so selfish and think of taking my babies mummy away from them when so many babies dont have their mummy's with them when they didnt have a choice. How dare I take my husbands wife from him when so many wives have left their husbands, with no choice, distraught for the rest of their lives. How dare I make my parents bury their first daughter when that is a parents worst nightmare,
And you say not to be so harsh on myself! THE most selfish act someone can perform almost happened by me and you say to think about my life that lays ahead of me. Sorry, but I cannt. I dont deserve forgiveness or respect or even understanding for thinking such atrocities! GOOD NIGHT :/
24/10/09
A says I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. Everything Ive read says that guilt can be a great thing if it moves us forward but too much guilt can be debilitating. Also read that I have to forgive myself. I dont forgiveness for myself, that, I dont deserve! But somehow I have to make this guilt allow me to move on. Not sure how, maybe Ill ask R that Tuesday morning.
28/10/09
I found this the other week which describes depression really well.
Depression is:
Had a large amount of anxiety today after I got home from seeing Joh. Not sure what brought it on, Im still feeling a little on edge and its just past midnight. I really should have a shower and go to bed, but as usual I cannt be stuffed. I hate going to bed as much as I love my bed.
31/10/09
Anxiety has been getting worse and worse over the last few days. Didnt take any anti-d's yesterday and not today until 5pm, stress with organising our school reunion, this weeks stress between Nath and I. I feel the worse I have felt in a long time. Almost had one of those suicide urges driving home over the bridge this arvo but somehow kept everything under control.
Lately ive been reading up on whether a so-called christian would go to heaven if they suicided.
I think Ive gathered that it is a 'sin' but they would be forgiven. Forgiveness is not based on our acts but on our faith. Jesus either way saves completely or not at all. We dont have the 'right' to take our own lives, that belongs t o God. But what if that is Gods plan? Not that Im thinking about acting on my suicide ideations but I just want to know where someone would stand if they did.
Ive taken seroquel tonight - only 50mg.
A shattering sound
Quakes her ears into
An awakening that
Rocks the Stillness of time,
For her mind, her soul
Can take it no more.
The sun has set and the
Moon has risen,
Embedding the future into her eyes,
As she feels for the one
Who is to be there.
The peace and stillness in
This nights air
Is familiar to this one who
Knows no future.
Eyes are upon her
Looking and knowing
But do they know something
That she has no care for>
Her future they see
No future she sees
As that shattering quake
Awakens her nightly senses
From the sleep that is.
1/11/09
Took a couple of seroquels last night. Slept ok. Today was good, took kids out to Honeymoon Bay, Nath really enjoyed it. It certainly wasn't horrible - that place can never be horrible! Kids are pretty sunburnt now. I think the seroquel is still running round in my system.
I sat there for most of the day in the sun, I didnt want to do anything. I couldn't be stuffed going for a swim even though it was crystal clear. I just wanted to go and hide an d be by myself. If it was up to me I would be curled up in my house with curtains shut and have no contact with the outside world.
The words are strong but all mixed up,
Like they are in a blender
On full speed.
It makes no sense
No matter of their order
But somewhere in there
Are missing words
The silent , missing few
To finish off what I need
To make sense of my thoughts.
Somehow
Someday
hey will appear somewhere.T
But for now they
Are invisible to the eyes
Of whom they are wanted.
So for now Ill sit, Ill wait
Until they appear
My soul feels lost
homeless,
without a cause,
without a destination,
without a light.
There, the laughter surrounded me.
There, the sun shone with glistening sparkles.
There, the smiles never stopped.
In here, it was quiet,
peaceful and an atmosphere
of contentment.
In here, was silence, just like before, long before.
Surrounded by life
internally fighting my death.
Surrounded by sun
internally darkened.
Blackness stood its ground.
Its far as east is from west.
As north is from south
and so too is my strength
to put up a fight.
Its a game we play,
opposites.
But here, there is reality,
the external
and the internal,
a constant battle between
what is wanted and
what is expected.
How do I move on from feeling depression and down?
How do I feel normal and happy?
How do I star in bed all day or lay on the lounge all day when I cannt?
How so I keep going when my life is on pause but everyone else are going flat out?
How do I know who my real friends are?
How do I know that this will never go away>
I dont fully understand what it feels like to be burdened by a friends troublesome times. I take it in my stride. How do I understand just how much I have burdened J? How do I know that letting A know what Im feeling and thinking is ok? Does he want to know? Am I just wasting his time? My time? I wish I knew where I stand with them - apart from J, she has walked out of this.
I want to wake up in the morning and get up when I want to. I want to be able to watch movies all day and not do anything else, just sit here with the curtains shut, no noise other than the telling and my unwanted d breathing. The front door will stay locked, it would be me, just me!
I dont know why I feel like this,m but I just dont want to do anything. I want to be left in peace not having to face anyone or anything.
But I cannt have this, Im going to be up at the crack of dawn with fighting kids, housework to do and places to go, people to be around me all day long.
But how do I get Nathan to understand the needs and wants that I have spoken of? How do I suggest it in a way he doesn't feel over whelmed ?
I know what I want and I know what I need and I cannt get any of it...that sucks ass!! How can I make life go on??
2/11/09
A's birthday today.
Can people be possessed by evil spirits? Ive seen it on telly, but thats telly. Does this mean that a christian cannt have that feeling of someone else taking over your body when fighting suicide and suicidal ideation?
I feel not good enough. Was I a christian in the first place ? Because if I was, I wouldn't have been left when I almost suicided all those times.
How much faith does it take to fight off the emotions, the wanting, the need to give up, get out and avoid God and anything linked to it?
With depression it feels as if God has packed up and left with no forwarding address. It feels like praying bounce off the ceiling and smack you in the head. Its as satisfying as praying to a piece of wood.
How do I know where I stand with God when I dont even know if God exists?
Maybe its just easier to believe that we die, there is no God to judge us and that they are here by accident and all those science involved in creation is just a nightmare. Maybe just ignore the thought of God as its one less thing I need on my plate right now. Maybe Im just wasting my time thinking that there is a God because if there was a God he wouldn't up and leave me and let Satan possess my body when those urges come. Maybe I should shut this journal before I get really frustrated with my thoughts and burn this thing to hell itself!!
Every time someone asks me if Im ok, its just a reminder that Im not. Im crying on the inside and no one knows but me.
Its sucks you in
like the black hole in the bath.
Gurgling, sucking
and pulling you in.
It never gives up
until your life is all gone.
The energy is zapped.
Like a blackout in the city,
nothing to get you up
and out of your hole.
Your mind is numb
like a patient with an epidural,
you know its there
somewhere in that deep
dark hole.
Your thoughts are jumbled
not yielding to sense
and as for who you are,
well that is gone,
gone a long time ago
without a map of where to look.
3/11/09
never say never
Never will I ever feel like this
You say Im past the worst
but where were you
when I needed you most?
You never left me
You were always there.
You found me
surrounded by trees,
Never will I feel so lost again
You only put me through
what it is that I can handle.
But all you've done is leave me in shame.
Never will I trust someone
who says never,
Because what you promise
Hasn't happened under my sun.
Leave me in peace
As I ponder the dreary heart
And being of my soul.
Let those around me know
My love for them
But never say never.
Anxiety is high today. I went into town this morning and had a coffee and cake, read my book for 5min and all I did was shake the whole time. It felt like everyone was looking at me. I took a seroquel when I got home, put Bridie to bed and had some sleep on the lounge. Sleep definitely has something to do with how I feel, the less sleep I have the more anxious I am the next day.
Secret Valley
The thick fog settles low in the valley,
And the sun rises slowly over the mountain.
There's a hidden mystery about the day,
a secret hidden beneath the canopy.
The creature below, the bird of the sky
Have their lips sealed,
The key throw n away into abyss.
As the fog disappears
And as the sun rises further above,
Life's secret is slowly given
Piece by piece
to those who are willing to listen,
to feel, to obey and to choose.
The path through the forest
Lead to nowhere in particular
But along the way,
Life's mysteries unfold,
One by one the puzzle pieces
Are laid in place.
Its the end of another day
Here in the valley
Where the fog begins to grow,
Where the birds settle in their nests
And where life's mysteries lay
In waiting for another day.
2/10/09
1. Get up at the same time every day2. No radio or books in bed, bed is for sleeping.
3. No nanna naps!
4. Never lay awake for longer than 30minutes
5. No telly / computer during the night if I get up.
A gift of freedom,
The unwanted gift of life
Is something a stranger
Would grasp in their fist.
This unwanted gift of breath
Is something some throw in the trash
While others beg, breath
And clutch onto for life.
Being shaken, the truth
Swallowed hard,
Forced into ones eyesight
Was like a slap to ones cheek.
The feeling was one
Not to forget
As my heart ached
To beat again as the fist
That held it tight
Tried to make sense
Of the selfishness that
Was almost brought forward.
To see the other side of an
Action almost brought on
Is to breath air, fresh and vibrant
And feet ready to move on.
23/10/09
Got my tattoo done today of these journal designs. Looks great even without the shading and kids names - that's next week or the week after.The pain wasn't that bad, was like someone was cutting me with a knife. Some spots were a but on the nippy side, up the top mainly. The pain was awesome mentally....was being cut but with an outcome!! I love that pain, its friggin' awesome!!
Unknown Territory
(written while feeling good)
The numbness of life that
Shimmers through your blood
Squirms its way into you heart,
Translucent to those around you.
You heart is matter in knots,
You are fearful to unravel
The mess you feel.
But the velvety touch of
The depression you are in
Is like a roast on the fire
On a cold winter's night.
Safe and protected are you
From the fear of wellness
That you would rather rot
Then tread steps on
unknown territory.
How dare I be so selfish and think of taking my babies mummy away from them when so many babies dont have their mummy's with them when they didnt have a choice. How dare I take my husbands wife from him when so many wives have left their husbands, with no choice, distraught for the rest of their lives. How dare I make my parents bury their first daughter when that is a parents worst nightmare,
And you say not to be so harsh on myself! THE most selfish act someone can perform almost happened by me and you say to think about my life that lays ahead of me. Sorry, but I cannt. I dont deserve forgiveness or respect or even understanding for thinking such atrocities! GOOD NIGHT :/
24/10/09
A says I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. Everything Ive read says that guilt can be a great thing if it moves us forward but too much guilt can be debilitating. Also read that I have to forgive myself. I dont forgiveness for myself, that, I dont deserve! But somehow I have to make this guilt allow me to move on. Not sure how, maybe Ill ask R that Tuesday morning.
28/10/09
I found this the other week which describes depression really well.
Depression is:
- being lonely in a room full of people
- being constantly tired but never able to sleep
- longing to be with others yet not being able to cope with company
- makes you lose your appetite and eat yourself fat
- smiling to hide the pain on the inside
- forgetting who you are to be
- not knowing you could survive without it
- being sad when nothing is wrong.
- not caring whether you live or die
- having no interest in the things you use to love
- cannt be bothered
Had a large amount of anxiety today after I got home from seeing Joh. Not sure what brought it on, Im still feeling a little on edge and its just past midnight. I really should have a shower and go to bed, but as usual I cannt be stuffed. I hate going to bed as much as I love my bed.
31/10/09
Anxiety has been getting worse and worse over the last few days. Didnt take any anti-d's yesterday and not today until 5pm, stress with organising our school reunion, this weeks stress between Nath and I. I feel the worse I have felt in a long time. Almost had one of those suicide urges driving home over the bridge this arvo but somehow kept everything under control.
Lately ive been reading up on whether a so-called christian would go to heaven if they suicided.
I think Ive gathered that it is a 'sin' but they would be forgiven. Forgiveness is not based on our acts but on our faith. Jesus either way saves completely or not at all. We dont have the 'right' to take our own lives, that belongs t o God. But what if that is Gods plan? Not that Im thinking about acting on my suicide ideations but I just want to know where someone would stand if they did.
Ive taken seroquel tonight - only 50mg.
A shattering sound
Quakes her ears into
An awakening that
Rocks the Stillness of time,
For her mind, her soul
Can take it no more.
The sun has set and the
Moon has risen,
Embedding the future into her eyes,
As she feels for the one
Who is to be there.
The peace and stillness in
This nights air
Is familiar to this one who
Knows no future.
Eyes are upon her
Looking and knowing
But do they know something
That she has no care for>
Her future they see
No future she sees
As that shattering quake
Awakens her nightly senses
From the sleep that is.
1/11/09
Took a couple of seroquels last night. Slept ok. Today was good, took kids out to Honeymoon Bay, Nath really enjoyed it. It certainly wasn't horrible - that place can never be horrible! Kids are pretty sunburnt now. I think the seroquel is still running round in my system.
I sat there for most of the day in the sun, I didnt want to do anything. I couldn't be stuffed going for a swim even though it was crystal clear. I just wanted to go and hide an d be by myself. If it was up to me I would be curled up in my house with curtains shut and have no contact with the outside world.
The words are strong but all mixed up,
Like they are in a blender
On full speed.
It makes no sense
No matter of their order
But somewhere in there
Are missing words
The silent , missing few
To finish off what I need
To make sense of my thoughts.
Somehow
Someday
hey will appear somewhere.T
But for now they
Are invisible to the eyes
Of whom they are wanted.
So for now Ill sit, Ill wait
Until they appear
My soul feels lost
homeless,
without a cause,
without a destination,
without a light.
There, the laughter surrounded me.
There, the sun shone with glistening sparkles.
There, the smiles never stopped.
In here, it was quiet,
peaceful and an atmosphere
of contentment.
In here, was silence, just like before, long before.
Surrounded by life
internally fighting my death.
Surrounded by sun
internally darkened.
Blackness stood its ground.
Its far as east is from west.
As north is from south
and so too is my strength
to put up a fight.
Its a game we play,
opposites.
But here, there is reality,
the external
and the internal,
a constant battle between
what is wanted and
what is expected.
How do I move on from feeling depression and down?
How do I feel normal and happy?
How do I star in bed all day or lay on the lounge all day when I cannt?
How so I keep going when my life is on pause but everyone else are going flat out?
How do I know who my real friends are?
How do I know that this will never go away>
I dont fully understand what it feels like to be burdened by a friends troublesome times. I take it in my stride. How do I understand just how much I have burdened J? How do I know that letting A know what Im feeling and thinking is ok? Does he want to know? Am I just wasting his time? My time? I wish I knew where I stand with them - apart from J, she has walked out of this.
I want to wake up in the morning and get up when I want to. I want to be able to watch movies all day and not do anything else, just sit here with the curtains shut, no noise other than the telling and my unwanted d breathing. The front door will stay locked, it would be me, just me!
I dont know why I feel like this,m but I just dont want to do anything. I want to be left in peace not having to face anyone or anything.
But I cannt have this, Im going to be up at the crack of dawn with fighting kids, housework to do and places to go, people to be around me all day long.
But how do I get Nathan to understand the needs and wants that I have spoken of? How do I suggest it in a way he doesn't feel over whelmed ?
I know what I want and I know what I need and I cannt get any of it...that sucks ass!! How can I make life go on??
2/11/09
A's birthday today.
Can people be possessed by evil spirits? Ive seen it on telly, but thats telly. Does this mean that a christian cannt have that feeling of someone else taking over your body when fighting suicide and suicidal ideation?
I feel not good enough. Was I a christian in the first place ? Because if I was, I wouldn't have been left when I almost suicided all those times.
How much faith does it take to fight off the emotions, the wanting, the need to give up, get out and avoid God and anything linked to it?
With depression it feels as if God has packed up and left with no forwarding address. It feels like praying bounce off the ceiling and smack you in the head. Its as satisfying as praying to a piece of wood.
How do I know where I stand with God when I dont even know if God exists?
Maybe its just easier to believe that we die, there is no God to judge us and that they are here by accident and all those science involved in creation is just a nightmare. Maybe just ignore the thought of God as its one less thing I need on my plate right now. Maybe Im just wasting my time thinking that there is a God because if there was a God he wouldn't up and leave me and let Satan possess my body when those urges come. Maybe I should shut this journal before I get really frustrated with my thoughts and burn this thing to hell itself!!
Every time someone asks me if Im ok, its just a reminder that Im not. Im crying on the inside and no one knows but me.
Its sucks you in
like the black hole in the bath.
Gurgling, sucking
and pulling you in.
It never gives up
until your life is all gone.
The energy is zapped.
Like a blackout in the city,
nothing to get you up
and out of your hole.
Your mind is numb
like a patient with an epidural,
you know its there
somewhere in that deep
dark hole.
Your thoughts are jumbled
not yielding to sense
and as for who you are,
well that is gone,
gone a long time ago
without a map of where to look.
3/11/09
I have learnt to be fearless and have become accustomed to fear, danger and pain. Im not intimidated by injury or dangerous situations which makes suicidal thought easier to pursue.
Ive found my new 'thing' to idealise over - the overpass to the fair. I drive over and wonder what i ts like to drive off. I want to see the damage it would cause to not only me, but the car, the others underneath me, I want to know what sort of fuss would be made over me. I struggle here more than the bridge over the river, probably because I drive over it more often. I didnt even plan on thinking of this overpass bridge - the thought just came to me as I neared the top one day. I panicked!! But I kept going - I had the kids in the car....I had to! Why cannt these idea's come to me when its just me in the car? That friggin' sucks but no one understands!!
So just reading what I wrote on 11th September where Dr Z asked me why I didnt question myself, why I thought what I was feeling was normal when I was a kid. Is this where not trusting my judgements begin? Being so young yet feeling that of an adult world? I was 13 and thinking and feeling proud of Kurt Cobain, for Korn, Sepultura etc - the songs were death based, depression based and I related to them, they described how I felt, same with the lyrics of Silverchairs Freak Show album.
Being 10yrs old and becoming addicted to feeling high instead of talking how I was feeling because I was scared of Mums response to me, she would have thought I was being silly. I felt I would never have got her to understand but how I could I when I didnt understand or really know myself?
Been reading back over the messages from when J and A pulled the pin on me. I cried again. I still feel like I have lost 2 friends forever. I feel like they are ignoring me, yest they are busy, but like J said - its all about the contact. A said its about being a 'therapist' to me. I get the odd response from him but it will only a line or 2 and from J it will be something simple like 'Im glad you had a good chat with R". I know she doesn't need my shit too but when all I want to do is send them message and say something but know you cannt 'cos they dont have the ability to care to respond anymore, it just reminds me of the saying something like this: When the rest of the world walks out, a friend will walk in. They walked out, Joh is a friend, she walked in and stayed. I feel getting the feeling that A and J have thought "Ok, she is now in hospital, she is safe, we'll leave her to it". I still feel sooo hurt and sorrow with them. I wonder if I will ever catch up with them. I wonder if they are really thinking about me like they said or are they over it now and Im just a passing thought? I think about them daily, if not hourly. It hurts to feel like you have failed someone. Like you have pushed them away. Why am I trying to be friends with someone who I have hurt ??!!
Why do I even care? Because I just do!! I cherish their friendship, their support but now I get nothing off them and I feel lost.
I cannt get myself to delete their emails on facebook, if I do I lose the conversations to what we had.
I spend so much time every week talking about J and A to R. She thinks I feel so upset and hurt by their actions because I would never be able to do that someone, a friend. She thinks I look up to them and have been let down, like a betrayal and feel unsupported. I hate my thinking, my emotions, this BPD....its seriously doing relationships in all over the place.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
24/9/09 continued - 13/10/09
24/9/09 continued......
Alone and broken hearted, she slits her wrists and slowly fades away
poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them.
In 3 words I can sum up everything Ive learnt about life: It Goes On.
walls
no space around me
aching soul
suffocating dreams
memory stirs
pain wells up
trapping me again.
nowhere to go
but inside myself
devoid of any aim
too scared to move
barriers raised
hearts freedom restrained
tentative
withdrawing hand
fear of hurt again
thick breath and clouds
within my head
oppressive atmosphere
numbing thoughts aching soul suffocating dream.
Maybe I feel like crap today cos I didnt take my efexor unil yesterday arvo. Im allowed to have bad days.
Got a letter off Ally today. She is back in hospital, but this time up at Easty (which is next to West opposite Mirrabook) I was I was with her to hold her down when that urges races through her body. I hope she's ok, she said after a week of being on a huge high of being at home she crashed big time. I reckon she's cutting herself and had a few suicide moments. It sucks - this feeling of suicide when it takes over your body. Its like you get possessed by demons.
The next entry is 8/10/09. During this weee break from writing as we had gone to St George, QLD, for a gathering with a stack of people we know. It was great fun. It was what I was forcing myself out of hospital for. And as much fun as I had, I didnt want to be around anyone. I actually dont remember much about the trip up but I think we stayed in little motels purely because there was no way I could think about trying to set up camp or cook food or anything like that. Maybe we did camp....I seriously dont remember. While camping at St. George it felt strange being around people who knew what had been going on. The first night while trying to cook dinner, Hairs came over and was yacking away and boy did we sink some rum then....I drank sooo much that after a while I couldn't stand up and was toppling all over the place. I hadn't taken seroquel because I knew I was gunna have a fair few. Everyone was going off to places and I wanted to go too but either Nath didnt want to go, or Hazel (mother-in-law) couldn't go or whatever so I did a lot of nothing which was good but I wanted to do stuff at the same time. I wanted to feel free and for some reason I didnt feel this. We spent a couple of days at the in-laws place then headed home. We did the motel thing on the way. I think we were gone for about 10 days all up. I had a few moments of that possessed urge. I was driving, almost home. Everyone wa asleep in the car and we drove over that great huge massive drop-off that the bridge goes over on the Hume Hwy....is it Menangle River/Bridge??? Anyway, that urge to drive off was big! (Not huge though!)I didnt though (as you can see....we are all still alive.) As I will discover, this thought / urge / ideation will probably never leave me....
9/10/10
Im so frightened every time the phone rings its going to be someone who I dont want to talk to. The last thing I feel like doing is catching up with people who piss me off.
Why is it that other people just think that being around me will help me? And why, just cos you've gone through something similar that you have all the answers and things to do?
Unless its on facebook I dont want to talk to people. I dont want to talk to people at all. I would prefer no human contact whatsoever, but I cannt have that, so just family is fine.
Ally is being discharged!! AND she's pregga's with bub #5!!! She is mad that girl!! I really hope she copes ok!
I so need to lose weight huh!! Im back up to 71kg so another 6lg and I would be stoked, more than that and it would be awesome!!
10/10/09
Finally had a good night sleep without seroquel. I had a bath for an hour while I read my book then had a 'nighty nighty' cuppa while I read my book some more in bed. I put lavender drops on my pillow and in the bath. I went for a walk too just before dinner.
But I cannt do this every night or I wont see Nath at night!!
My head feels less foggy today.
I know I need to make another appt to see R (my psychologist) but I just cannt be bothered! Im just wanting to do nothing!!
the pulse and throbbing
is a heart in trouble
as another breath is taken
into the lungs of the broken.
Seeing the future
knowing the past
makes the flightless bird
uncertain of what is to come.
She has travelled far
along the shores of
the forbidden world.
Tired of travelling
she wonders when the journey
will cease.
How will she get there
she thinks to her self
the only thought that
Not knowing is breaking me
and its no dream
maybe Im too far gone
maybe Im too weak for this
And this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength.
Thousands are gone
and I know there will be more
but the question remains
'Why, what for?'
Maybe its unexpected
I know Im unprotected
and this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength
and either we stay of we go
I need to fight this on my own.
Im holding on
until the last day,
the day when the sun sets
and never rises again.
Im holding til theres nothing left.
I sometimes find Im drifting
through life without effect.
I wonder if Im truly
worth what I have been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard
to try and understand
the many trials that I have known.
The life that I have.
You see me in my daily grind,
so confident and strong
yet when Im alone, I question
just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find
to analyse and guess,
to scrutinise, investigate
my life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper,
there must be some meaning
some way to make a difference,
give a reason for this strife
is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found
a greater purpose waiting
if I care to hang around?
It teases and taunts me
always slightly out of sight.
A hazy vision out of reach
where darkness hides the light.
It seems the harder I try
to focus through the haze
just serves to add more questions
through my endless tired gaze.
Perhaps Im trying too hard
to understand it all
for can we ever truly know
just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed
just adds upon the next
but in the end
will I find truth
or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
than it has to be sometimes.
But will my searching bring to me
my meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken
and confused as I feel now?
While questions bring no solitude
to this, my wrinkled brow.
If I can endure this moment
whatever is happening to me
no matter how heavy my heart
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep believing
what I know in my heart to be true,
then darkness will fade into morning
and with this dawn a new day , too.
Why cannt this stop?
You know Im fed up
fed up with all this shit
this loneliness.
I dont feel like picking
myself up anymore.
I cannt shrug my shoulders
anymore and say that its ok.
I cannt hear people saying
it anymore.
Damn it, Ive had enough.
You know when people say if you
want it bad enough
it will happen,
thats a load of shit.
I haven't wanted something more
that I want this.
I cannt stand it any longer
I want this to end.
I cannt keep on this face
this face of being being fine,
keeping up my spirits.
I just want to break down and cry
stop keeping it together
I dont know what I want anymore
I just dont want this.
11/10/09
I will not die an unlived life, I will not live in fear of falling or catching on fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me making me less afraid, more accessible to loosen my heart, so that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.I choose to risk my significance, to live so that that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom. And that which comes to me as blossom goes on as fruit.
belonging
noone but me by the fire
my hands burning
red in the palms while the
night wind carries
everything away outside.
All this petty worry
while the great cloak
of the sky grows dark
and intense
round everything living.
What is precious
inside us does not
care to be known
by the mind
in ways that diminish
its presence.
What we strive for
in perfection
is not what turns us
into the lit angel we desire,
what disturbs
and then nourishes
has everything we need.
What we hate in ourselves
is what we cannt know in ourselves
what is true to the
pattern does not need to be
explained.
Inside everyone is a great shout for joy
waiting to be heard.
Even with summer so far off
I feel it grown in me
now and ready
to arrive in the world.
All those years forgetting
how everything has its voice
to make itself heard.
All those years forgetting
how easily you can belong
to everything
simply by listening
and the slow difficult of remembering
how everything is born from an opposite
and miraculous otherness.
So let this winter
of listening be enough
for the new life
I must call my own.
time was
Time was
when I had hope,
hope for the future,
a simple life,
free from trouble and pain,
with someone to love and care,
And a houseful of children
to share our joy.
And a God who was gentle and kind
watching over me.
Time was
when I believed that hope was enough.
Time is
a life of heart sickness
and sorrow
and loneliness.
A life where all my hopes
have been gradually torn apart.
A life with no love
no joy
no hope
no God.
Who has turned his back on me
if he was ever there.
Time will be
more pain
and loneliness
and sorrow.
As much as I can bear
and then some.
Thats what ive had so far
and Ive no reason to believe
that will change.
Time was
when I had hope.
Time is when I know better.
Time will be.
J has her exams this week. Ive sent her some chair tea. Hope she likes it, if not, oh well.
I feel ok today. Slept alright last night without seroquel but was on and off from 2am. I feel like I have to keep myself busy to be able to survive.
I feel like talking to someone about how I feel and my thoughts.
Scratched my arm a bit yesterday. I wanna cut it heaps, I want chunky scars, I want it to hurt, something to keep my focused.
Im so glad Im not in hospital today - its sunday - boring day there! But I'd be able to relax and watch bathurst without being interrupted!!
Wish I was there for the peace and rest though.
13/10/09
Did ok yesterday seeing Dr Y (one of Dr X's offsiders while I ws in hospital). Told me the more I face bridges, cilffs, the better I will be. He said I have to face it!! Or it will get the better of me. Maybe its the same with my friends, just have to face it even if I dont want to.
Had a really busy day today - vacuumed, did some washing, took the kids to the park, groceries, cleaned bathroom and cooked dinner. Now I feel emotionally down even after a bath.
I feel so convinced that Im going to be one of these sufferers of depression where. after many year, its going to get the better of me and I will suicide. I feel soooo convinced that I am going to die from depression - maybe cos Im still suffering from it and they say that Ill have it for another 12yrs at least, although its only been diagnosed a couple of months ago.
Im off to bed but I dont feel like sleeping. Might just read my book instead.
Alone and broken hearted, she slits her wrists and slowly fades away
poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them.
In 3 words I can sum up everything Ive learnt about life: It Goes On.
walls
no space around me
stifling walls
closing off my view
numbing thoughtaching soul
suffocating dreams
memory stirs
pain wells up
trapping me again.
nowhere to go
but inside myself
devoid of any aim
too scared to move
barriers raised
hearts freedom restrained
tentative
withdrawing hand
fear of hurt again
thick breath and clouds
within my head
oppressive atmosphere
numbing thoughts aching soul suffocating dream.
Today is a bad day. I feel lonely and isolated. I dont want anyone around me today. I want to be left alone, but I cannt, Im not in hospital anymore.
Maybe I feel like crap today cos I didnt take my efexor unil yesterday arvo. Im allowed to have bad days.
Got a letter off Ally today. She is back in hospital, but this time up at Easty (which is next to West opposite Mirrabook) I was I was with her to hold her down when that urges races through her body. I hope she's ok, she said after a week of being on a huge high of being at home she crashed big time. I reckon she's cutting herself and had a few suicide moments. It sucks - this feeling of suicide when it takes over your body. Its like you get possessed by demons.
The next entry is 8/10/09. During this weee break from writing as we had gone to St George, QLD, for a gathering with a stack of people we know. It was great fun. It was what I was forcing myself out of hospital for. And as much fun as I had, I didnt want to be around anyone. I actually dont remember much about the trip up but I think we stayed in little motels purely because there was no way I could think about trying to set up camp or cook food or anything like that. Maybe we did camp....I seriously dont remember. While camping at St. George it felt strange being around people who knew what had been going on. The first night while trying to cook dinner, Hairs came over and was yacking away and boy did we sink some rum then....I drank sooo much that after a while I couldn't stand up and was toppling all over the place. I hadn't taken seroquel because I knew I was gunna have a fair few. Everyone was going off to places and I wanted to go too but either Nath didnt want to go, or Hazel (mother-in-law) couldn't go or whatever so I did a lot of nothing which was good but I wanted to do stuff at the same time. I wanted to feel free and for some reason I didnt feel this. We spent a couple of days at the in-laws place then headed home. We did the motel thing on the way. I think we were gone for about 10 days all up. I had a few moments of that possessed urge. I was driving, almost home. Everyone wa asleep in the car and we drove over that great huge massive drop-off that the bridge goes over on the Hume Hwy....is it Menangle River/Bridge??? Anyway, that urge to drive off was big! (Not huge though!)I didnt though (as you can see....we are all still alive.) As I will discover, this thought / urge / ideation will probably never leave me....
9/10/10
Im so frightened every time the phone rings its going to be someone who I dont want to talk to. The last thing I feel like doing is catching up with people who piss me off.
Why is it that other people just think that being around me will help me? And why, just cos you've gone through something similar that you have all the answers and things to do?
Unless its on facebook I dont want to talk to people. I dont want to talk to people at all. I would prefer no human contact whatsoever, but I cannt have that, so just family is fine.
Ally is being discharged!! AND she's pregga's with bub #5!!! She is mad that girl!! I really hope she copes ok!
I so need to lose weight huh!! Im back up to 71kg so another 6lg and I would be stoked, more than that and it would be awesome!!
10/10/09
Finally had a good night sleep without seroquel. I had a bath for an hour while I read my book then had a 'nighty nighty' cuppa while I read my book some more in bed. I put lavender drops on my pillow and in the bath. I went for a walk too just before dinner.
But I cannt do this every night or I wont see Nath at night!!
My head feels less foggy today.
I know I need to make another appt to see R (my psychologist) but I just cannt be bothered! Im just wanting to do nothing!!
the pulse and throbbing
is a heart in trouble
as another breath is taken
into the lungs of the broken.
Seeing the future
knowing the past
makes the flightless bird
uncertain of what is to come.
She has travelled far
along the shores of
the forbidden world.
Tired of travelling
she wonders when the journey
will cease.
How will she get there
she thinks to her self
the only thought that
Not knowing is breaking me
and its no dream
maybe Im too far gone
maybe Im too weak for this
And this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength.
Thousands are gone
and I know there will be more
but the question remains
'Why, what for?'
Maybe its unexpected
I know Im unprotected
and this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength
and either we stay of we go
I need to fight this on my own.
Im holding on
until the last day,
the day when the sun sets
and never rises again.
Im holding til theres nothing left.
I sometimes find Im drifting
through life without effect.
I wonder if Im truly
worth what I have been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard
to try and understand
the many trials that I have known.
The life that I have.
You see me in my daily grind,
so confident and strong
yet when Im alone, I question
just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find
to analyse and guess,
to scrutinise, investigate
my life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper,
there must be some meaning
some way to make a difference,
give a reason for this strife
is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found
a greater purpose waiting
if I care to hang around?
It teases and taunts me
always slightly out of sight.
A hazy vision out of reach
where darkness hides the light.
It seems the harder I try
to focus through the haze
just serves to add more questions
through my endless tired gaze.
Perhaps Im trying too hard
to understand it all
for can we ever truly know
just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed
just adds upon the next
but in the end
will I find truth
or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
than it has to be sometimes.
But will my searching bring to me
my meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken
and confused as I feel now?
While questions bring no solitude
to this, my wrinkled brow.
If I can endure this moment
whatever is happening to me
no matter how heavy my heart
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep believing
what I know in my heart to be true,
then darkness will fade into morning
and with this dawn a new day , too.
Why cannt this stop?
You know Im fed up
fed up with all this shit
this loneliness.
I dont feel like picking
myself up anymore.
I cannt shrug my shoulders
anymore and say that its ok.
I cannt hear people saying
it anymore.
Damn it, Ive had enough.
You know when people say if you
want it bad enough
it will happen,
thats a load of shit.
I haven't wanted something more
that I want this.
I cannt stand it any longer
I want this to end.
I cannt keep on this face
this face of being being fine,
keeping up my spirits.
I just want to break down and cry
stop keeping it together
I dont know what I want anymore
I just dont want this.
11/10/09
I will not die an unlived life, I will not live in fear of falling or catching on fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me making me less afraid, more accessible to loosen my heart, so that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.I choose to risk my significance, to live so that that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom. And that which comes to me as blossom goes on as fruit.
belonging
noone but me by the fire
my hands burning
red in the palms while the
night wind carries
everything away outside.
All this petty worry
while the great cloak
of the sky grows dark
and intense
round everything living.
What is precious
inside us does not
care to be known
by the mind
in ways that diminish
its presence.
What we strive for
in perfection
is not what turns us
into the lit angel we desire,
what disturbs
and then nourishes
has everything we need.
What we hate in ourselves
is what we cannt know in ourselves
what is true to the
pattern does not need to be
explained.
Inside everyone is a great shout for joy
waiting to be heard.
Even with summer so far off
I feel it grown in me
now and ready
to arrive in the world.
All those years forgetting
how everything has its voice
to make itself heard.
All those years forgetting
how easily you can belong
to everything
simply by listening
and the slow difficult of remembering
how everything is born from an opposite
and miraculous otherness.
So let this winter
of listening be enough
for the new life
I must call my own.
time was
Time was
when I had hope,
hope for the future,
a simple life,
free from trouble and pain,
with someone to love and care,
And a houseful of children
to share our joy.
And a God who was gentle and kind
watching over me.
Time was
when I believed that hope was enough.
Time is
a life of heart sickness
and sorrow
and loneliness.
A life where all my hopes
have been gradually torn apart.
A life with no love
no joy
no hope
no God.
Who has turned his back on me
if he was ever there.
Time will be
more pain
and loneliness
and sorrow.
As much as I can bear
and then some.
Thats what ive had so far
and Ive no reason to believe
that will change.
Time was
when I had hope.
Time is when I know better.
Time will be.
J has her exams this week. Ive sent her some chair tea. Hope she likes it, if not, oh well.
I feel ok today. Slept alright last night without seroquel but was on and off from 2am. I feel like I have to keep myself busy to be able to survive.
I feel like talking to someone about how I feel and my thoughts.
Scratched my arm a bit yesterday. I wanna cut it heaps, I want chunky scars, I want it to hurt, something to keep my focused.
Im so glad Im not in hospital today - its sunday - boring day there! But I'd be able to relax and watch bathurst without being interrupted!!
Wish I was there for the peace and rest though.
13/10/09
Did ok yesterday seeing Dr Y (one of Dr X's offsiders while I ws in hospital). Told me the more I face bridges, cilffs, the better I will be. He said I have to face it!! Or it will get the better of me. Maybe its the same with my friends, just have to face it even if I dont want to.
Had a really busy day today - vacuumed, did some washing, took the kids to the park, groceries, cleaned bathroom and cooked dinner. Now I feel emotionally down even after a bath.
I feel so convinced that Im going to be one of these sufferers of depression where. after many year, its going to get the better of me and I will suicide. I feel soooo convinced that I am going to die from depression - maybe cos Im still suffering from it and they say that Ill have it for another 12yrs at least, although its only been diagnosed a couple of months ago.
Im off to bed but I dont feel like sleeping. Might just read my book instead.
ON Monday: (not sure which monday....lol...could be the 12th october I would say and Ive added it on a spare page...)
* not wanting anything to do with friends
*always rethinking through driving off the bridge
when Im driving and even when Im not, same with knives but not as much. I look at trees and poles too now.
*really hard to get to sleep but sick of seroquels 'knocked out' feeling.
take to the street
and look to the heavens
seeing the rain fall
is feeling tears of the angels.
The angels are those loved and lost
those fallen from the arms of the ones
who held them dear.
The drops are heavy
burden with pain
of that felt of those left behind.
But do not fear for these
unforgotten souls,
they are at rest
where they need to be.
Take to the streets
and look and the heavens
for they will always be there
but not always smiling.
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