Alone and broken hearted, she slits her wrists and slowly fades away
poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them.
In 3 words I can sum up everything Ive learnt about life: It Goes On.
walls
no space around me
stifling walls
closing off my view
numbing thoughtaching soul
suffocating dreams
memory stirs
pain wells up
trapping me again.
nowhere to go
but inside myself
devoid of any aim
too scared to move
barriers raised
hearts freedom restrained
tentative
withdrawing hand
fear of hurt again
thick breath and clouds
within my head
oppressive atmosphere
numbing thoughts aching soul suffocating dream.
Today is a bad day. I feel lonely and isolated. I dont want anyone around me today. I want to be left alone, but I cannt, Im not in hospital anymore.
Maybe I feel like crap today cos I didnt take my efexor unil yesterday arvo. Im allowed to have bad days.
Got a letter off Ally today. She is back in hospital, but this time up at Easty (which is next to West opposite Mirrabook) I was I was with her to hold her down when that urges races through her body. I hope she's ok, she said after a week of being on a huge high of being at home she crashed big time. I reckon she's cutting herself and had a few suicide moments. It sucks - this feeling of suicide when it takes over your body. Its like you get possessed by demons.
The next entry is 8/10/09. During this weee break from writing as we had gone to St George, QLD, for a gathering with a stack of people we know. It was great fun. It was what I was forcing myself out of hospital for. And as much fun as I had, I didnt want to be around anyone. I actually dont remember much about the trip up but I think we stayed in little motels purely because there was no way I could think about trying to set up camp or cook food or anything like that. Maybe we did camp....I seriously dont remember. While camping at St. George it felt strange being around people who knew what had been going on. The first night while trying to cook dinner, Hairs came over and was yacking away and boy did we sink some rum then....I drank sooo much that after a while I couldn't stand up and was toppling all over the place. I hadn't taken seroquel because I knew I was gunna have a fair few. Everyone was going off to places and I wanted to go too but either Nath didnt want to go, or Hazel (mother-in-law) couldn't go or whatever so I did a lot of nothing which was good but I wanted to do stuff at the same time. I wanted to feel free and for some reason I didnt feel this. We spent a couple of days at the in-laws place then headed home. We did the motel thing on the way. I think we were gone for about 10 days all up. I had a few moments of that possessed urge. I was driving, almost home. Everyone wa asleep in the car and we drove over that great huge massive drop-off that the bridge goes over on the Hume Hwy....is it Menangle River/Bridge??? Anyway, that urge to drive off was big! (Not huge though!)I didnt though (as you can see....we are all still alive.) As I will discover, this thought / urge / ideation will probably never leave me....
9/10/10
Im so frightened every time the phone rings its going to be someone who I dont want to talk to. The last thing I feel like doing is catching up with people who piss me off.
Why is it that other people just think that being around me will help me? And why, just cos you've gone through something similar that you have all the answers and things to do?
Unless its on facebook I dont want to talk to people. I dont want to talk to people at all. I would prefer no human contact whatsoever, but I cannt have that, so just family is fine.
Ally is being discharged!! AND she's pregga's with bub #5!!! She is mad that girl!! I really hope she copes ok!
I so need to lose weight huh!! Im back up to 71kg so another 6lg and I would be stoked, more than that and it would be awesome!!
10/10/09
Finally had a good night sleep without seroquel. I had a bath for an hour while I read my book then had a 'nighty nighty' cuppa while I read my book some more in bed. I put lavender drops on my pillow and in the bath. I went for a walk too just before dinner.
But I cannt do this every night or I wont see Nath at night!!
My head feels less foggy today.
I know I need to make another appt to see R (my psychologist) but I just cannt be bothered! Im just wanting to do nothing!!
the pulse and throbbing
is a heart in trouble
as another breath is taken
into the lungs of the broken.
Seeing the future
knowing the past
makes the flightless bird
uncertain of what is to come.
She has travelled far
along the shores of
the forbidden world.
Tired of travelling
she wonders when the journey
will cease.
How will she get there
she thinks to her self
the only thought that
Not knowing is breaking me
and its no dream
maybe Im too far gone
maybe Im too weak for this
And this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength.
Thousands are gone
and I know there will be more
but the question remains
'Why, what for?'
Maybe its unexpected
I know Im unprotected
and this is the last place
I want to be.
There is so much we dont know
so little time,
so little strength
and either we stay of we go
I need to fight this on my own.
Im holding on
until the last day,
the day when the sun sets
and never rises again.
Im holding til theres nothing left.
I sometimes find Im drifting
through life without effect.
I wonder if Im truly
worth what I have been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard
to try and understand
the many trials that I have known.
The life that I have.
You see me in my daily grind,
so confident and strong
yet when Im alone, I question
just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find
to analyse and guess,
to scrutinise, investigate
my life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper,
there must be some meaning
some way to make a difference,
give a reason for this strife
is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found
a greater purpose waiting
if I care to hang around?
It teases and taunts me
always slightly out of sight.
A hazy vision out of reach
where darkness hides the light.
It seems the harder I try
to focus through the haze
just serves to add more questions
through my endless tired gaze.
Perhaps Im trying too hard
to understand it all
for can we ever truly know
just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed
just adds upon the next
but in the end
will I find truth
or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
than it has to be sometimes.
But will my searching bring to me
my meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken
and confused as I feel now?
While questions bring no solitude
to this, my wrinkled brow.
If I can endure this moment
whatever is happening to me
no matter how heavy my heart
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep believing
what I know in my heart to be true,
then darkness will fade into morning
and with this dawn a new day , too.
Why cannt this stop?
You know Im fed up
fed up with all this shit
this loneliness.
I dont feel like picking
myself up anymore.
I cannt shrug my shoulders
anymore and say that its ok.
I cannt hear people saying
it anymore.
Damn it, Ive had enough.
You know when people say if you
want it bad enough
it will happen,
thats a load of shit.
I haven't wanted something more
that I want this.
I cannt stand it any longer
I want this to end.
I cannt keep on this face
this face of being being fine,
keeping up my spirits.
I just want to break down and cry
stop keeping it together
I dont know what I want anymore
I just dont want this.
11/10/09
I will not die an unlived life, I will not live in fear of falling or catching on fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me making me less afraid, more accessible to loosen my heart, so that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.I choose to risk my significance, to live so that that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom. And that which comes to me as blossom goes on as fruit.
belonging
noone but me by the fire
my hands burning
red in the palms while the
night wind carries
everything away outside.
All this petty worry
while the great cloak
of the sky grows dark
and intense
round everything living.
What is precious
inside us does not
care to be known
by the mind
in ways that diminish
its presence.
What we strive for
in perfection
is not what turns us
into the lit angel we desire,
what disturbs
and then nourishes
has everything we need.
What we hate in ourselves
is what we cannt know in ourselves
what is true to the
pattern does not need to be
explained.
Inside everyone is a great shout for joy
waiting to be heard.
Even with summer so far off
I feel it grown in me
now and ready
to arrive in the world.
All those years forgetting
how everything has its voice
to make itself heard.
All those years forgetting
how easily you can belong
to everything
simply by listening
and the slow difficult of remembering
how everything is born from an opposite
and miraculous otherness.
So let this winter
of listening be enough
for the new life
I must call my own.
time was
Time was
when I had hope,
hope for the future,
a simple life,
free from trouble and pain,
with someone to love and care,
And a houseful of children
to share our joy.
And a God who was gentle and kind
watching over me.
Time was
when I believed that hope was enough.
Time is
a life of heart sickness
and sorrow
and loneliness.
A life where all my hopes
have been gradually torn apart.
A life with no love
no joy
no hope
no God.
Who has turned his back on me
if he was ever there.
Time will be
more pain
and loneliness
and sorrow.
As much as I can bear
and then some.
Thats what ive had so far
and Ive no reason to believe
that will change.
Time was
when I had hope.
Time is when I know better.
Time will be.
J has her exams this week. Ive sent her some chair tea. Hope she likes it, if not, oh well.
I feel ok today. Slept alright last night without seroquel but was on and off from 2am. I feel like I have to keep myself busy to be able to survive.
I feel like talking to someone about how I feel and my thoughts.
Scratched my arm a bit yesterday. I wanna cut it heaps, I want chunky scars, I want it to hurt, something to keep my focused.
Im so glad Im not in hospital today - its sunday - boring day there! But I'd be able to relax and watch bathurst without being interrupted!!
Wish I was there for the peace and rest though.
13/10/09
Did ok yesterday seeing Dr Y (one of Dr X's offsiders while I ws in hospital). Told me the more I face bridges, cilffs, the better I will be. He said I have to face it!! Or it will get the better of me. Maybe its the same with my friends, just have to face it even if I dont want to.
Had a really busy day today - vacuumed, did some washing, took the kids to the park, groceries, cleaned bathroom and cooked dinner. Now I feel emotionally down even after a bath.
I feel so convinced that Im going to be one of these sufferers of depression where. after many year, its going to get the better of me and I will suicide. I feel soooo convinced that I am going to die from depression - maybe cos Im still suffering from it and they say that Ill have it for another 12yrs at least, although its only been diagnosed a couple of months ago.
Im off to bed but I dont feel like sleeping. Might just read my book instead.
ON Monday: (not sure which monday....lol...could be the 12th october I would say and Ive added it on a spare page...)
* not wanting anything to do with friends
*always rethinking through driving off the bridge
when Im driving and even when Im not, same with knives but not as much. I look at trees and poles too now.
*really hard to get to sleep but sick of seroquels 'knocked out' feeling.
take to the street
and look to the heavens
seeing the rain fall
is feeling tears of the angels.
The angels are those loved and lost
those fallen from the arms of the ones
who held them dear.
The drops are heavy
burden with pain
of that felt of those left behind.
But do not fear for these
unforgotten souls,
they are at rest
where they need to be.
Take to the streets
and look and the heavens
for they will always be there
but not always smiling.
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