never say never
Never will I ever feel like this
You say Im past the worst
but where were you
when I needed you most?
You never left me
You were always there.
You found me
surrounded by trees,
Never will I feel so lost again
You only put me through
what it is that I can handle.
But all you've done is leave me in shame.
Never will I trust someone
who says never,
Because what you promise
Hasn't happened under my sun.
Leave me in peace
As I ponder the dreary heart
And being of my soul.
Let those around me know
My love for them
But never say never.
Anxiety is high today. I went into town this morning and had a coffee and cake, read my book for 5min and all I did was shake the whole time. It felt like everyone was looking at me. I took a seroquel when I got home, put Bridie to bed and had some sleep on the lounge. Sleep definitely has something to do with how I feel, the less sleep I have the more anxious I am the next day.
Secret Valley
The thick fog settles low in the valley,
And the sun rises slowly over the mountain.
There's a hidden mystery about the day,
a secret hidden beneath the canopy.
The creature below, the bird of the sky
Have their lips sealed,
The key throw n away into abyss.
As the fog disappears
And as the sun rises further above,
Life's secret is slowly given
Piece by piece
to those who are willing to listen,
to feel, to obey and to choose.
The path through the forest
Lead to nowhere in particular
But along the way,
Life's mysteries unfold,
One by one the puzzle pieces
Are laid in place.
Its the end of another day
Here in the valley
Where the fog begins to grow,
Where the birds settle in their nests
And where life's mysteries lay
In waiting for another day.
2/10/09
1. Get up at the same time every day2. No radio or books in bed, bed is for sleeping.
3. No nanna naps!
4. Never lay awake for longer than 30minutes
5. No telly / computer during the night if I get up.
A gift of freedom,
The unwanted gift of life
Is something a stranger
Would grasp in their fist.
This unwanted gift of breath
Is something some throw in the trash
While others beg, breath
And clutch onto for life.
Being shaken, the truth
Swallowed hard,
Forced into ones eyesight
Was like a slap to ones cheek.
The feeling was one
Not to forget
As my heart ached
To beat again as the fist
That held it tight
Tried to make sense
Of the selfishness that
Was almost brought forward.
To see the other side of an
Action almost brought on
Is to breath air, fresh and vibrant
And feet ready to move on.
23/10/09
Got my tattoo done today of these journal designs. Looks great even without the shading and kids names - that's next week or the week after.The pain wasn't that bad, was like someone was cutting me with a knife. Some spots were a but on the nippy side, up the top mainly. The pain was awesome mentally....was being cut but with an outcome!! I love that pain, its friggin' awesome!!
Unknown Territory
(written while feeling good)
The numbness of life that
Shimmers through your blood
Squirms its way into you heart,
Translucent to those around you.
You heart is matter in knots,
You are fearful to unravel
The mess you feel.
But the velvety touch of
The depression you are in
Is like a roast on the fire
On a cold winter's night.
Safe and protected are you
From the fear of wellness
That you would rather rot
Then tread steps on
unknown territory.
How dare I be so selfish and think of taking my babies mummy away from them when so many babies dont have their mummy's with them when they didnt have a choice. How dare I take my husbands wife from him when so many wives have left their husbands, with no choice, distraught for the rest of their lives. How dare I make my parents bury their first daughter when that is a parents worst nightmare,
And you say not to be so harsh on myself! THE most selfish act someone can perform almost happened by me and you say to think about my life that lays ahead of me. Sorry, but I cannt. I dont deserve forgiveness or respect or even understanding for thinking such atrocities! GOOD NIGHT :/
24/10/09
A says I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. Everything Ive read says that guilt can be a great thing if it moves us forward but too much guilt can be debilitating. Also read that I have to forgive myself. I dont forgiveness for myself, that, I dont deserve! But somehow I have to make this guilt allow me to move on. Not sure how, maybe Ill ask R that Tuesday morning.
28/10/09
I found this the other week which describes depression really well.
Depression is:
- being lonely in a room full of people
- being constantly tired but never able to sleep
- longing to be with others yet not being able to cope with company
- makes you lose your appetite and eat yourself fat
- smiling to hide the pain on the inside
- forgetting who you are to be
- not knowing you could survive without it
- being sad when nothing is wrong.
- not caring whether you live or die
- having no interest in the things you use to love
- cannt be bothered
Had a large amount of anxiety today after I got home from seeing Joh. Not sure what brought it on, Im still feeling a little on edge and its just past midnight. I really should have a shower and go to bed, but as usual I cannt be stuffed. I hate going to bed as much as I love my bed.
31/10/09
Anxiety has been getting worse and worse over the last few days. Didnt take any anti-d's yesterday and not today until 5pm, stress with organising our school reunion, this weeks stress between Nath and I. I feel the worse I have felt in a long time. Almost had one of those suicide urges driving home over the bridge this arvo but somehow kept everything under control.
Lately ive been reading up on whether a so-called christian would go to heaven if they suicided.
I think Ive gathered that it is a 'sin' but they would be forgiven. Forgiveness is not based on our acts but on our faith. Jesus either way saves completely or not at all. We dont have the 'right' to take our own lives, that belongs t o God. But what if that is Gods plan? Not that Im thinking about acting on my suicide ideations but I just want to know where someone would stand if they did.
Ive taken seroquel tonight - only 50mg.
A shattering sound
Quakes her ears into
An awakening that
Rocks the Stillness of time,
For her mind, her soul
Can take it no more.
The sun has set and the
Moon has risen,
Embedding the future into her eyes,
As she feels for the one
Who is to be there.
The peace and stillness in
This nights air
Is familiar to this one who
Knows no future.
Eyes are upon her
Looking and knowing
But do they know something
That she has no care for>
Her future they see
No future she sees
As that shattering quake
Awakens her nightly senses
From the sleep that is.
1/11/09
Took a couple of seroquels last night. Slept ok. Today was good, took kids out to Honeymoon Bay, Nath really enjoyed it. It certainly wasn't horrible - that place can never be horrible! Kids are pretty sunburnt now. I think the seroquel is still running round in my system.
I sat there for most of the day in the sun, I didnt want to do anything. I couldn't be stuffed going for a swim even though it was crystal clear. I just wanted to go and hide an d be by myself. If it was up to me I would be curled up in my house with curtains shut and have no contact with the outside world.
The words are strong but all mixed up,
Like they are in a blender
On full speed.
It makes no sense
No matter of their order
But somewhere in there
Are missing words
The silent , missing few
To finish off what I need
To make sense of my thoughts.
Somehow
Someday
hey will appear somewhere.T
But for now they
Are invisible to the eyes
Of whom they are wanted.
So for now Ill sit, Ill wait
Until they appear
My soul feels lost
homeless,
without a cause,
without a destination,
without a light.
There, the laughter surrounded me.
There, the sun shone with glistening sparkles.
There, the smiles never stopped.
In here, it was quiet,
peaceful and an atmosphere
of contentment.
In here, was silence, just like before, long before.
Surrounded by life
internally fighting my death.
Surrounded by sun
internally darkened.
Blackness stood its ground.
Its far as east is from west.
As north is from south
and so too is my strength
to put up a fight.
Its a game we play,
opposites.
But here, there is reality,
the external
and the internal,
a constant battle between
what is wanted and
what is expected.
How do I move on from feeling depression and down?
How do I feel normal and happy?
How do I star in bed all day or lay on the lounge all day when I cannt?
How so I keep going when my life is on pause but everyone else are going flat out?
How do I know who my real friends are?
How do I know that this will never go away>
I dont fully understand what it feels like to be burdened by a friends troublesome times. I take it in my stride. How do I understand just how much I have burdened J? How do I know that letting A know what Im feeling and thinking is ok? Does he want to know? Am I just wasting his time? My time? I wish I knew where I stand with them - apart from J, she has walked out of this.
I want to wake up in the morning and get up when I want to. I want to be able to watch movies all day and not do anything else, just sit here with the curtains shut, no noise other than the telling and my unwanted d breathing. The front door will stay locked, it would be me, just me!
I dont know why I feel like this,m but I just dont want to do anything. I want to be left in peace not having to face anyone or anything.
But I cannt have this, Im going to be up at the crack of dawn with fighting kids, housework to do and places to go, people to be around me all day long.
But how do I get Nathan to understand the needs and wants that I have spoken of? How do I suggest it in a way he doesn't feel over whelmed ?
I know what I want and I know what I need and I cannt get any of it...that sucks ass!! How can I make life go on??
2/11/09
A's birthday today.
Can people be possessed by evil spirits? Ive seen it on telly, but thats telly. Does this mean that a christian cannt have that feeling of someone else taking over your body when fighting suicide and suicidal ideation?
I feel not good enough. Was I a christian in the first place ? Because if I was, I wouldn't have been left when I almost suicided all those times.
How much faith does it take to fight off the emotions, the wanting, the need to give up, get out and avoid God and anything linked to it?
With depression it feels as if God has packed up and left with no forwarding address. It feels like praying bounce off the ceiling and smack you in the head. Its as satisfying as praying to a piece of wood.
How do I know where I stand with God when I dont even know if God exists?
Maybe its just easier to believe that we die, there is no God to judge us and that they are here by accident and all those science involved in creation is just a nightmare. Maybe just ignore the thought of God as its one less thing I need on my plate right now. Maybe Im just wasting my time thinking that there is a God because if there was a God he wouldn't up and leave me and let Satan possess my body when those urges come. Maybe I should shut this journal before I get really frustrated with my thoughts and burn this thing to hell itself!!
Every time someone asks me if Im ok, its just a reminder that Im not. Im crying on the inside and no one knows but me.
Its sucks you in
like the black hole in the bath.
Gurgling, sucking
and pulling you in.
It never gives up
until your life is all gone.
The energy is zapped.
Like a blackout in the city,
nothing to get you up
and out of your hole.
Your mind is numb
like a patient with an epidural,
you know its there
somewhere in that deep
dark hole.
Your thoughts are jumbled
not yielding to sense
and as for who you are,
well that is gone,
gone a long time ago
without a map of where to look.
3/11/09
I have learnt to be fearless and have become accustomed to fear, danger and pain. Im not intimidated by injury or dangerous situations which makes suicidal thought easier to pursue.
Ive found my new 'thing' to idealise over - the overpass to the fair. I drive over and wonder what i ts like to drive off. I want to see the damage it would cause to not only me, but the car, the others underneath me, I want to know what sort of fuss would be made over me. I struggle here more than the bridge over the river, probably because I drive over it more often. I didnt even plan on thinking of this overpass bridge - the thought just came to me as I neared the top one day. I panicked!! But I kept going - I had the kids in the car....I had to! Why cannt these idea's come to me when its just me in the car? That friggin' sucks but no one understands!!
So just reading what I wrote on 11th September where Dr Z asked me why I didnt question myself, why I thought what I was feeling was normal when I was a kid. Is this where not trusting my judgements begin? Being so young yet feeling that of an adult world? I was 13 and thinking and feeling proud of Kurt Cobain, for Korn, Sepultura etc - the songs were death based, depression based and I related to them, they described how I felt, same with the lyrics of Silverchairs Freak Show album.
Being 10yrs old and becoming addicted to feeling high instead of talking how I was feeling because I was scared of Mums response to me, she would have thought I was being silly. I felt I would never have got her to understand but how I could I when I didnt understand or really know myself?
Been reading back over the messages from when J and A pulled the pin on me. I cried again. I still feel like I have lost 2 friends forever. I feel like they are ignoring me, yest they are busy, but like J said - its all about the contact. A said its about being a 'therapist' to me. I get the odd response from him but it will only a line or 2 and from J it will be something simple like 'Im glad you had a good chat with R". I know she doesn't need my shit too but when all I want to do is send them message and say something but know you cannt 'cos they dont have the ability to care to respond anymore, it just reminds me of the saying something like this: When the rest of the world walks out, a friend will walk in. They walked out, Joh is a friend, she walked in and stayed. I feel getting the feeling that A and J have thought "Ok, she is now in hospital, she is safe, we'll leave her to it". I still feel sooo hurt and sorrow with them. I wonder if I will ever catch up with them. I wonder if they are really thinking about me like they said or are they over it now and Im just a passing thought? I think about them daily, if not hourly. It hurts to feel like you have failed someone. Like you have pushed them away. Why am I trying to be friends with someone who I have hurt ??!!
Why do I even care? Because I just do!! I cherish their friendship, their support but now I get nothing off them and I feel lost.
I cannt get myself to delete their emails on facebook, if I do I lose the conversations to what we had.
I spend so much time every week talking about J and A to R. She thinks I feel so upset and hurt by their actions because I would never be able to do that someone, a friend. She thinks I look up to them and have been let down, like a betrayal and feel unsupported. I hate my thinking, my emotions, this BPD....its seriously doing relationships in all over the place.
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