music in my life

I thought I would do a quick post on piano and music. Ive grown up playing piano, as most of you know, Ive taught since I was in yr 4. Ive competed in eisteddfods both solo and as a conductor with a youth concert band. I have lived and breathed piano exams through AMEB, right from preliminary through to grade 8 and then C.Mus.A where I passed with flying colours with our graduation ceremony in Town Hall (Sydney). Being classically trained made for study at uni really easy. The idea of 14th century music and even earlier music having a huge impact on how I played and interpreted music was something that I easily grasped.
When I had exams to do (for ameb) I would be practising for 2hrs a day, then there was the musicianship exams that I breezed through as well. I could look at music and play it, I understood exactly what was going on in the chordal progressions, its form, the nature of the music and how the composer would have wanted it played.
As  I grew up I would delve into music and disappear - I could play something and not even know what I was playing, then I would 'wake up' at the end of it. It was my way out of the real world - i loved it.

But last year with depression kicking I all of a sudden lost my love for my piano. I found myself looking at my piano with absolute anger, frustration and fear. I found myself looking at music and not being able to read it, I couldn't remember how pieces went, ones that I had been playing for 10yrs were foreign. I found myself unable to remember the names of notes, chords, how to play a piece. I couldn't play scales. I was unable to understand how a piece was suppose to be played. It was like I was 'music illiterate'. I even looked at my piano many times and thought about burning it, wanting to put an axe through it, smashing it....anything that meant it was destroyed and I wouldn't have to look at it.

While in hospital I asked Nath to bring me my music. And the times that I did sit and play were VERY hard. Only 4 times did I manage to do it without feeling angry at myself. My fingers would lose where they were up to - as I was never able to 'concentrate' on pieces but would have to just let my fingers do their things and have my mind elsewhere....I was disgusted at the thought of Amanda wanting to be taught something....asking me to teach her??? Are you kidding, I just told her how much I hated it!!

Since being at home, I have quit teaching and I no longer play. I am still unable to fully understand the music and cannt even get my head around learning more pieces for uni for performance, there is just no way that is possible. When people ask me if I still teach I just say no, its pretty easy saying no. When people ask why I dont play anymore, depending on who it is, I say either 'I dont have enough time' or 'I dont enjoy it anymore'. Which both are true, its just that I am being nice towards my piano and I dont want to hurts its feelings - I hate my piano...or is it that I hate the idea of ever playing again.

Peter Sculthorpe, my most favoritest composer of all time - and still alive. (he's Australia and lives in melbourne - last time I heard.) I read an article on him once where he described how he suffered depression and thoughT the exact same things as me in regards to music, piano, composing etc. Eventually a few later he came good with his music and continued on with composing. Maybe I will come good, maybe I wont, either way I have transferred from music and teaching to psychology at UNI and  I couldn't be more happier with my decision.

So where is piano in my life now? There is only one thing my piano is good for - washing!! I fold all my clothes onto it. There has been plenty of times Ive thought of selling it, but I wont. If the kids want to learn Im sure I will teach them, even though when nath suggests it anger wells up and I want to scream 'NO!'

I still have my favorite pieces that I hear and want to play but I dont. The motivation has gone....I am motivated to avoid it though!!

Anyway....that was just a quick one...I was speaking to someone about it yesturday and thought I would put something up about it....