14-15/9/09 Day 28-29 - 28/9/09 Discharge date!

14/9/09 Day 28
Had a better night sleep last night but I just cannt seem to switch my brain off! I woke at 2am again but managed to go back to sleep pretty quickly and woke again at 4am. I tossed and turned until Bc woke up at 5.45 then we opened the curtains and made our beds.
So to fill in time between now (6.15am) and 12.30ish when Nath and Bridie gets here. Cannt wait to get some 'suck face' off Bridie!! Gee I miss her so much hey! I imagine me holding her and how much she weighs, I think of her beautiful blue eyes and then 'suck face' - her kisses are heart meltingly beautiful!!
I feel good again. To be honest, slightly anxious about what the day will bring. Im tired too which doesn't help but Ill fight through.
Well, I think its going to be cold today, feels like last night was hotter than it is right now. Cold - I mean 22 degrees, and compared to yesterday it is cold! Still tossing up what to wear today, still might wear shorts and a shirt.
Cannt wait to cuddle up to Bridie. Guess what Nath and Bruce have built? They played with the kitchen cupboards and put a washing machine in for me!! That will be so good instead of all that washing up.
...Just spoke to Joh - she did go to the psych on Friday and have been put on anti-depressants so Im really glad she went. I nev
er want any of my friends to suffer like I have, noone deserves such pain. And to think that Trina and Maja have had something similar to me really drums in that its so flaming common!!
Im doing more story telling now and less poetry / song writing aren't I? I cannt seem to get into that frame of mind anymore, like its not natural to me like it was just a few days ago. Im struggling to think of words that describe me and new idea's of how to express what is going on.
Ive been doing so much thinking about J and how she is going with her uni and with life. I wonder if she has cut back on her coffee?? Ive been wondering when it was that she had the accident, about 14yrs ago I think she said. Wonder if A's staff problems have calmed down? Staff problems suck! I see it here and Im a patient!!
I hate being known or labelled as mentally sick, its horrible!! Im not sick!! I not NOT sick, but I still hate it. I know Im 'unwell' and thats why Im still here but I hate that label.
Its been nearly 2yrs since Viv's mum died in the car accident. Wonder how her dad is coping? Wonder how Viv and Ray, Bucky and Lyn's trip is going too and where they are right now? They were going to the Bungles last Thursday or Wednesday, I think.
I had a fantastic visit with Nath and Brides. We eventually saw Dr X and she wasn't prepared for me to go home tonight for a visit but will do her risk assessment tomorrow arvo and then I get to go home for the night. Thn come back up on Wednesday arvo to see Dr Se to be reviewed and then home again. If all goes well and then return on next Tuesday to be DISCHARGED!!!!
Im so excited!! And she reckons keeping a diary isn't a good thing because there is a huge chance of re-reading it and getting caught up in all the emotional dregs and being dragged back down again. Well for no, I think its a good thing.
I cannt wait to go home tomorrow and be home!! So I just have to get a good night sleep tonight and even if I have a bad sleep, Im not letting on).

YAY IM SO HAPPY!!!!!

Tuesday 15/9/09 Day 29
I slept from 8.30ish til 2am last night but I couldn't get back to sleep this time. I was thinking of several things at once. I eventually dozed off at 4am but fought it the whole time til 6am. I figured when I get home and see my GP (Dr M) Ill say something to him, I didnt say anything to Dr X just in case it jeopardised me coming home. Valium sounds good - she was going to put me on that in the beginning anyway lol.
Cannt wait til after lunch time. Nath's taking me out for lunch and then we're coming back to have my risk assessment done then its home for a TRIAL (X keeps reminding me its a trial, not for good...). The kids are going to be so happy tonight!

Saturday 19th September '09
Well, I have been home now since Tuesday. Ive been coping ok being here with everyone. All I feel like doing though is sitting down and being by myself. I feel like Im in culture shock where Im wondering if all this has really happened or if its been a nasty dream.
Bridie has just woken up, better go deal with her.
.....Well, its now 12hrs later (10pm). I think I feel sluggish because of the seroquel so tonight Im only having 1 tablet instead of 2. (I think from memory my dose was 200mg). Got a message off Joh today. She is really struggling with her anxiety. I feel so helpless, I cant even deal with my own anxiety and there is my firnd needing help.
I haven't heard from J or A. I miss their messages and talking to them. I miss them caring, them wanting to know how Ive been going. I want to tell them how ive been going but I cannt and that sucks. They mean so much to me, I just got too hard to deal with so I was pushed aside.
There is no way I'd be able to look after the kids by myself all day. I just wouldn't be able to cope at all. Going into town for a while with Mum yesterday was really hard and tiring and I didnt last long at all. Just a little while with them being demanding is doing my head in.
Anyway, Im feeling a tad sleepy. Nath wants to go out tomorrow, I dont but I probably need to. I dont want to be around anyone!!!

Wednesday 23rd September '09
Been going ok at home, been sleepy alright but its only because of the seroquel.
I went to bible study yesterday and as expected, everyone was like 'Oh Laura its great to have you back' and 'oh wow laura's here'. There was all the questions of what the food was like, what were the doctors like, did you have anything to do, did they do therapy with you, whether I spoke to others about things. I just gave them 1 worded answers. I didnt talk much and hated making eye contact. Im not sure why I even went? (I still ask this question 12mths on!) I hated being there, so why did I go??
Lots of people are ringing and talking to me wanting to catch up but I just dont want to. I either tell them that Im actually quite busy and ask if they can ring back at a certain time tomorrow - then when that time comes I dont answer the phone. Our family have a system of pranking each other - let the phone ring twice then ring back, so thats what we've been doing. If the phone rings longer than 2 rings I dont answer it. (Ok, there goes my secret to all the unanswered calls, Ill have to think of something new now!) I dont even feel like being nice to certain people on the phone, I want to tell them to piss off out of my life and never return but seeing that is 'inappropriate' I am polite and just ignore phone calls. I only want to catch up with a certain few, they know who they are. And just because Im home doesn't mean Im better!!
I've had the odd message off J since Ive been home. She has asked how Ive been going. I miss our chats, I miss chatting with A too. I really thought they cared but ah well. They are busy and have their own stresses, they dont need to be worrying about me, so I dont blame them.
Almost packed to go to St George. Dunno how I will go being around everyone when Im trying to ignore my friends here! I just hope I can handle everything. Ive had quite a few good days at home, hope I dont get a bad day while we're away!!

(I never wrote about it, but I this was the day I was officially discharged. Why I didnt write about it Im not sure, but I know that when I got home, life went back to being the normal busy one that 4 kids gives you.)