Went to Joh's this morning. We had a good chat. I put on facebook for my status that I was thankful for everyones well wishes but would not like to catch up with anyone at this point in time, that I just need to be left in peace. It was the easiest way to tell some people to leave me alone. Joh though that it was a good idea wording it like that.
Saw Dr M this arvo, got scripts although he wouldn't lie about my diagnosis to get seroquel on the PBS for me....not that its lying, but technically you have to be diagnosed with schizophrenia to be able to get it on the PBS, although psychiatrists can do it...He said he would really like to talk to me about my stay in Mirrabook etc. He also asked me about how I'm feeling. I'm not sure how I'm feeling, I just know I feel better than what I was. I still feel unmotivated, sleep deprived, like I could run away and hide from my life for ever and ever. But everything I'm feeling is nowhere near as bad as what I felt before. I feel like I'm coping but I cope on my bad days. I can see a future some of the time where before I couldn't see one at all and I had convinced myself the kids would cope without me. I still have a shocking memory but my concentration is heaps better. To get to Dr M I had to drive over the bridge - success. Although I looked at my 'aim points' and quivered and went through the motions of how I would do it - but it was not instrusive and I wasn't planning it. Dr M is awesome. He is alot like A in regards to being a doctor and character. Wonder what A is doing? Wish I would get a message, even if it says 'hi, we dont think of you anymore'. Angry feelings are coming out, think Ill stop hey!!
(Prior to being admitted I couldn't even concentrate on reversing out the driveway and wouldn't even stop for a car coming - just happened to be cranky woman down the road every day. I couldn't cook dinner - I would burn things because I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing, I would lose track of where I was up to, I couldn't do the shopping because I felt so frustrated and by the time I was in isle 2 I would walk out with what I had. I couldn't read with the kids - literally! Kasey would bring her home readers home and I couldn't even look at the pages without feeling overwhelmed, I couldn't do it!! I just couldn't. And as for head lice - since Kasey had managed to get them - I could not even think about putting a comb through her hair - not even 1 stroke. I would feel angry, overwhelmed, anxious and jittery. I couldn't understand the words I was looking at and I would have to read emails and messages about 20 times really slowly before anything sunk in - and I still struggle with this today! Something else that should have been a hint was not being able to understand anything that was happening in 'Underbelly'. I couldn't remember the names of the characters, who were the 'goodies' and who were the 'baddies. I cannot describe in words how hard all this is to deal with at the time. To be mentally unable to do anything was like telling me I might as well not be around - I couldn't do anything, I was becoming so useless at even the most simple things.
Another thing I should mention; the dreams I was having were extremely distressing. The main reoccurring dream was me being stuck behind a glass wall looking at the kids playing, I would be yelling out to them but I had no voice. The kids couldn't see me either. Each time I had this dream is became more distressing even though it was the same dream. I had other dreams that I would wake from in a sweat and was then unable to go back to sleep. The sleep I did have was awesome but there wasn't much of it happening. 2am was a sleep in and I would doze back off by 7am if I was lucky - only to be woken up by the kids a few minutes later. I was losing weight rapidly too, 4kg in 1 week.)
Got a message of J the other day, she is going on a self imposed facebook ban so she can get some uni done. I miss my chats with them. I wish they cared to know just how I'm going and just how much better I feel and that Ive had 2 weeks of no anxiety or suicidal ideation. I'm still so angry at them hey. I want to tell them to go to hell for what they did to me but I know why they did it and its so frustrating for me because my brain is split into 2 - a good and an evil...I hate my brain!! Angry!!!!
I want to sleep and not have Bridie wake up at 4am again but I think she will because she didn't want her bottle tonight. Ah well. Best sleep. Mum's staying over again. I could cope without her here but its good just in case it all falls apart and I freak out.
As I sit still
here in the quiet
where the birds sing
and the wind blows,
I ponder the life
that has recently been.
To wish it away
would be a sure way
of wishing my life
to be gone.
The wind brings secrets
of the future ahead,
the reasons why
and the freshness
of the present.
To say there is hope
to say there is peace
is like bringing
water to quench
the soul of the weary
just as a rainbow
is a promise of life.
The quiet, the stillness
is as refreshing
as the wind on
snow capped mountains.
Some poems Ive found that describe how I feel because I have seriously lost all ability to write anything that can express these emotions.
the bird that couldn't fly
You couldn't understand
even if you tried
the reason that she cries at night
the reason she tries to hide.
Don't try to come close
she'll push you away
there's something that you don't know
words she couldn't say.
She tries with all her might
to be herself around her friends
but something doesn't feel right
a broken heart that could not mend/
She pretends that she is strong
a tough outer shell
but there is something wrong
she's trapped in her cell.
She wants to speak
to tell you all the truth
but she is way too weak
broken without any glue.
Painfully shy;
the bird that couldn't fly
dying on the inside
a body without a mind.
Maybe if you took the time
find the person she tries to be
maybe if you looked inside
you'd realise she is me.
prison without bars
you lie in bed
you tremble and sweat
its your very existence
you've come to regret.
you know the result
you know the stats
every joint hurts
your whole body aches
your breathing is heavy
your coughing and wheezing
your stomach's in a knot
and you feel like your freezing.
You feel like your dying
your whole body is sore.
One thing is for sure
you're a prisoner of war.
your emotions run high
the fear is so real
you don't have enough strength
not even to cry.
(this one continued on further and went into more detail. Although this is about a heroin addiction, so much of this rings true what I felt in so many times of my life, not just lately, but when there was no ventolin around to help me through an 'attack'. - legit or not)
She goes about her day to day
and does her duties to perfection.
She cries alone and works her
way through fears and self rejection.
No one knows this angel is carrying
around such grief.
If they only saw a glimpse of things
they'd sigh in such disbelief.
She seems to be perfect
not one single flaw.
Everyone looks at her with envy,
if only they knew it all.
Her heart aches with loneliness
and her tears disguised the pride.
Why does she care what they think.
Its becoming too much for her to hide.
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