Anxiety has been a bit more under control today when Mum rang around 1pm and asked how I was going then it started. I had a cuppa in town with Em which was nice and then went for a run tonight.
Ive been making sure that each day I get some sort of time out, whether its when Im in town I go get a chai and most days I try to go for a walk down in the bush. Yesturday and today I have tried running for a bit. Im aiming to lost at least 5kg so Im back to 65kg or even less would be great.
I am going to try and find 5 positive things about tomorrow to look forward to but I also need to start writing the positives about each day.
1. Felt motivated to get some cleaning done, put clothes away
2. Had a cuppa in town
3. Helped Nath with basketball ring and had fun mucking around outside. (reminded me of all the time spent down at the Bryces house as a kid....!)
4. Felt under control with cooking dinner
5. Had a good run in the rain
Tomorrow's 5 to look forward to:
1. Kids will be at kindy so house will be quiet
2. Not much housework to do
3. Getting tatt finished off - bring it on!! Love that pain
4. Watching a movie or 2 in the morning
5. walk or run in the arvo
I need to start thinking positive, so here are some things I love about Nath:
* The way he shows the kids animals, like the blue tongue when he gets home after night shift
* builds them a basketball ring
* fixes their bikes
* today he unpacked and repacked the dishwasher without me having to ask
*gives them a bath so I can cook dinner in peace
* plays tackles with the kids and rumbles on the floor with them
Dusty Track
Its a moment in waiting
out on the horizon
with a dusty track
leading there.
Is there a pot of gold
at the end of the track?
For as far as the eye can see
near and far,
is a plain scattered
with trees and bush,
a river, clear and flowing.
The horizon is far
with many corners
in the track to follow.
Yet somehow that
track reaches the moment
in waiting,
with all disruptions along the way.
The dusty track is leading there,
the moment in waiting
out on the horizon.
5/11/09
Found this quote that applies to J as a friend:
Friends are like roses; they are beautiful and gentle, but will cause pain in the process of defending themselves.
6/11/09
Tatt is finished. We're going out to Hot Rocks for dinner (Stonegrill) for dinner with the girls, will be nice but not sure how I will cope with the anxiety - if it gets bad Ill just sink a few more reds.
....so dinner was good. I wasn't anxious at all which really surprised me, which makes me think that its the setting which sets off the anxiety, not the girls. I feel soooo different though, compared to them. I dont know how to explain it.
I feel so tired and I want to shut my eyes but I feel like I need peace, peace from my crap life. I feel so drained and I feel really guilty for being a person who needs help. I feel bad because I need Nath's support but he's only just had his own meltdown, so what if Im too much for him? What if he things Im being selfish because Im putting me first? What if we are doomed to fail at everything we do??
A thousand tongues
sing of your amazing grace,
of how their soul longs after you.
You may have knitted me in
my mothers womb
but in my despair
you left me, hanging
in the scorching sun rays.
My heart longs to be owned
not by you
but by someone who protects.
This wretched soul
is lost and not found,
you have poured lifes
contempt over my body,
filling my blood with
the iniquities of the lost souls.
Heaven forbid you keep a promise!
Heaven forbid you break a promise!
For if you so loved us all
you would not forsake us
as we were possessed
by your almighty enemy.
I look to my arm
the scars are fluorescent
in the nights light.
I feel like Ive won a battle,
have scars of proof.
Each one has a memory
etched into my mind;
the place, the time, the how.
My moments of hatred
are here to stay,
hatred of life, hatred of myself.
They dont ask, I dont think
they look, maybe they do,
I have no way of telling.
But they are my friends,
they understand what
Im going through,
They give me warmth,
strength, peace,
they were created when
I needed them most.
7/11/09
Its sooo bloody annoying, there is so much tension and even though its through a computer screen I KNOW its there....intuition!! I know A doesn't really want to reply to my messages, I spose he does out of kindness. J is avoiding my like the plague and if I didnt email them they certainly wouldn't email me - that I can guarantee. So my test is to not email them, reply to status updates, nothing! Then if they do write to me soon then cool, they still care. So much of me wants to yell at them, kick and scream, tell them how much it friggin' hurts being left like that. The other part of me understand their logic behind their fucked up actions.
Drunk lots last night. Feels good. Always does, thats why I either drink LOTS or not at all.
9/11/09
So far, my challenges this week have been pretty major. Dinner with the girls, then went to church yesturday - god knows why, it only causes anxiety to the max!! Ive survived so far but during church I had 3 MAJOR anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't cope being there. I got a little teary a few times and almost walked out but Gail held my hand, she knew what was going on. I was teary cos I couldn't shake the shit out of me. I wanted to kick and scream and fight anyone who looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. She is picking me up for dinner tonight.
I dont feel well today, gastro-ish, all I wanted to do was sleep! I could have slept forever!!
I love Nath so much! For the first time in a long time I feel connected with him, like we have fallen in love again. Its so blissful this feeling xx
Dinner with Gail was really good. She said that the anxiety attacks in church yesterday were some spiritual attack. She said as a teenager she knew something was up, she knew I was high. She thought it may have been attention seeking, said I always had to be the funny girl, the girl everyone liked, and its true and I was like this because I have no self esteem, everything I showed was the total opposite of what I felt. Even now I have no self esteem even though Im highly driven.
It was so good catching up because we haven't really caught up in the past 10yrs.
11/11/09
She has a house
She has a family
She has everything
A girl needs.
But she's tired
And she's desperate
But is she desperate enough?
She has an aching soul
She has tears
She has an uncomfortable heart
But she is content
And she is at peace,
But the demons still possess.
She is her family's smile.
She is their glue.
She is their strength
Yet for herself
She is weak, lost, frail.
To her, her family
Is her glue,
They are her glue and her strength
I have to have everyone like me, Im not outgoing and Im not as strong as what you may thing. Im not happy and easy going. I fear failure, I fear not being elite enough, I have to achieve the best in everything I do. I would rather sit quietly in the back of the room where no one notices me, I change my opinions depending who I talk to, my thoughts, character etc to suit those around me. I dont trust my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, I am not good enough for myself and Im not good enough for anyone else. I want to be able to solve other peoples problems and have someone recognise mine but leave it as that.
I use to wake during the night
to break the evil sight,
just to remind myself that
everything will be alright.
My life was at its height
thinking I could carry on
with all my might.
This was to be my plight
to carry myself through
and to continue the fight.
But the chains around my neck
were more than tight,
never to let its grip relax,
not even slight.
Going to catch up with Joh tomorrow, will be good to see how she is. Her Nathan has been in Melbourne for work. Wonder if she's had another afternoon of laying on the kitchen floor??
I feeling more like God is real today but Im not sure if I want to do something about it. it feels too hard to get my so called christian life in order when the rest of my life if just holding together. I know what I should be doing - reading the bible, praying, trusting, having faith, but really, its all just shit. Maybe Im just scared that Im wasting time..who would want to save my hell driven soul??
14/11/09
Okay day today. Just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am is a sleep in lately. It takes me soooo long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed. Plus seroquel is still kicking around in my system a little so that if I get up too early I feel side-swiped for another couple of hours. My eyes force themselves shut, literally!!
I feel calm with feelings lately, although yestuday was a bad day. I feel so content where i an and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of the ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay where I am and that will do me!!
I just feel like living a mundaine life with nothing to challenge me, puch me...Nothing!! If it was just me or if I could pick the perfect day I would stay in my house, lock all the doors and windows, keep teh curtains shut, take the phone off the hook and not even look out a window - not once. I would telly all day, lay on the lounge and only get up when I absolutely had to!!
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories.
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her DNA,
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on,
although the damage has
already been complete.
Engraved into her soul,
grooved into her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque,
the path slippery when wet.
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can be dealt
with one at a time.
A thousand tongues
sing of your amazing grace,
of how their soul longs after you.
You may have knitted me in
my mothers womb
but in my despair
you left me, hanging
in the scorching sun rays.
My heart longs to be owned
not by you
but by someone who protects.
This wretched soul
is lost and not found,
you have poured lifes
contempt over my body,
filling my blood with
the iniquities of the lost souls.
Heaven forbid you keep a promise!
Heaven forbid you break a promise!
For if you so loved us all
you would not forsake us
as we were possessed
by your almighty enemy.
I look to my arm
the scars are fluorescent
in the nights light.
I feel like Ive won a battle,
have scars of proof.
Each one has a memory
etched into my mind;
the place, the time, the how.
My moments of hatred
are here to stay,
hatred of life, hatred of myself.
They dont ask, I dont think
they look, maybe they do,
I have no way of telling.
But they are my friends,
they understand what
Im going through,
They give me warmth,
strength, peace,
they were created when
I needed them most.
7/11/09
Its sooo bloody annoying, there is so much tension and even though its through a computer screen I KNOW its there....intuition!! I know A doesn't really want to reply to my messages, I spose he does out of kindness. J is avoiding my like the plague and if I didnt email them they certainly wouldn't email me - that I can guarantee. So my test is to not email them, reply to status updates, nothing! Then if they do write to me soon then cool, they still care. So much of me wants to yell at them, kick and scream, tell them how much it friggin' hurts being left like that. The other part of me understand their logic behind their fucked up actions.
Drunk lots last night. Feels good. Always does, thats why I either drink LOTS or not at all.
9/11/09
So far, my challenges this week have been pretty major. Dinner with the girls, then went to church yesturday - god knows why, it only causes anxiety to the max!! Ive survived so far but during church I had 3 MAJOR anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't cope being there. I got a little teary a few times and almost walked out but Gail held my hand, she knew what was going on. I was teary cos I couldn't shake the shit out of me. I wanted to kick and scream and fight anyone who looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. She is picking me up for dinner tonight.
I dont feel well today, gastro-ish, all I wanted to do was sleep! I could have slept forever!!
I love Nath so much! For the first time in a long time I feel connected with him, like we have fallen in love again. Its so blissful this feeling xx
Dinner with Gail was really good. She said that the anxiety attacks in church yesterday were some spiritual attack. She said as a teenager she knew something was up, she knew I was high. She thought it may have been attention seeking, said I always had to be the funny girl, the girl everyone liked, and its true and I was like this because I have no self esteem, everything I showed was the total opposite of what I felt. Even now I have no self esteem even though Im highly driven.
It was so good catching up because we haven't really caught up in the past 10yrs.
11/11/09
She has a house
She has a family
She has everything
A girl needs.
But she's tired
And she's desperate
But is she desperate enough?
She has an aching soul
She has tears
She has an uncomfortable heart
But she is content
And she is at peace,
But the demons still possess.
She is her family's smile.
She is their glue.
She is their strength
Yet for herself
She is weak, lost, frail.
To her, her family
Is her glue,
They are her glue and her strength
I have to have everyone like me, Im not outgoing and Im not as strong as what you may thing. Im not happy and easy going. I fear failure, I fear not being elite enough, I have to achieve the best in everything I do. I would rather sit quietly in the back of the room where no one notices me, I change my opinions depending who I talk to, my thoughts, character etc to suit those around me. I dont trust my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, I am not good enough for myself and Im not good enough for anyone else. I want to be able to solve other peoples problems and have someone recognise mine but leave it as that.
I use to wake during the night
to break the evil sight,
just to remind myself that
everything will be alright.
My life was at its height
thinking I could carry on
with all my might.
This was to be my plight
to carry myself through
and to continue the fight.
But the chains around my neck
were more than tight,
never to let its grip relax,
not even slight.
Going to catch up with Joh tomorrow, will be good to see how she is. Her Nathan has been in Melbourne for work. Wonder if she's had another afternoon of laying on the kitchen floor??
I feeling more like God is real today but Im not sure if I want to do something about it. it feels too hard to get my so called christian life in order when the rest of my life if just holding together. I know what I should be doing - reading the bible, praying, trusting, having faith, but really, its all just shit. Maybe Im just scared that Im wasting time..who would want to save my hell driven soul??
14/11/09
Okay day today. Just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am is a sleep in lately. It takes me soooo long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed. Plus seroquel is still kicking around in my system a little so that if I get up too early I feel side-swiped for another couple of hours. My eyes force themselves shut, literally!!
I feel calm with feelings lately, although yestuday was a bad day. I feel so content where i an and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of the ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay where I am and that will do me!!
I just feel like living a mundaine life with nothing to challenge me, puch me...Nothing!! If it was just me or if I could pick the perfect day I would stay in my house, lock all the doors and windows, keep teh curtains shut, take the phone off the hook and not even look out a window - not once. I would telly all day, lay on the lounge and only get up when I absolutely had to!!
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories.
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her DNA,
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on,
although the damage has
already been complete.
Engraved into her soul,
grooved into her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque,
the path slippery when wet.
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can be dealt
with one at a time.
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