This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
A Massive Year Almost Complete!!
There has been so much going on this year and yet we survived. I can almost taste the freedom that a new year may bring. So what hasn't happened this year?
Amy started school and then the house went on the market which sold in a matter of weeks which meant moving sooner than we thought and missing out on our Cape York trip.
So we moved 1200km north into QLD and moved in with the inlaws which turned out to be chaotically and emotionally draining which saw us moved out weeks later into the house in the clouds.
Nath got a job almost instantly which was amazingly great!! What a change to Nowra where you couldn't get another job worthy of leaving such a stable one.
The girls settled into school without much of a drama. Amy settled in really well but Kasey took a little longer.
Amy's hair pulling continued to increase and eventually ended up with her being so stressed with everything that one particular day she was constipated, then had the runs....it was far too much for her coping with change that I had her assessed over the phone with the USQ psychology clinic. They accepted her a couple of days later and the weekly sessions with her psychologist started. She wasn't too sure at first and of course 'Red-Ted' came as he did everywhere. It started out with me staying in the session with her but we (her psyc and I) both realised that when she wasn't sure of how to answer she would look at me to help her. So that lead her to having sessions without me. Over the time, she learnt about emotions, calming and relaxation, stress, who she is, what makes her special but one thing I believe it has done is made her more susceptible to change. Her clothes, socks, shoes, hair, routine for brekky, bed....you name it, it cannot change! every single day its the same clothes for school and I have to either wash them at night and have them dry by the morning or buy 2 or 3 of everything (which works wonders!!!!!).
As for Kasey, she got sick, nothing intense but sick nonetheless and never seemed to get better so 3mths later I took her to the GP who thought her symptoms suggested glandular fever. The medications weren't relieving the symptoms, it didn't matter what we did so bloods were done and it came back saying that she did have GF but NOT within 2mths of the blood test.
So it was off to a paediatrician who charged a fortune to say "She doesn't exercise enough....don't know what it is so go see this guy...". How furious could that make me!!??!! So a 3wk wait saw us in Brisbane at The Wesley Medical Centre seeing a paediatric rheumatologist (who charged almost dbl of the paed back home). He was brilliant and tested her mobility.....she doesn't have the worse case of hyper extension but she has it along with weak muscles that are struggling as they work like normal muscles but also trying to keep her joints from over extending. She has rehab 6 times weekly where she has to be doing low impact exercise like walking, bike riding and swimming. We are not anal about it as she is super active, always chasing the dogs, climbing trees, running, playing....
It was during these months that she had almost every day off school. My aunt also had a blood test organised for her in regards to IgG food intolerance's which came back with a slightly impressive list. She still needs to bloods done to rule out Lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and to also check her connective tissue health. Poor kid has been pocked and prodded but its worth it despite the amount of "I hate you's" I get from her!
Her symptoms use to vary from headaches, earaches, sore throat, swollen glands, unreadable fever )feels very hot yet temp was in normal range), lethargy, fatigue, body aches particularly wrist and ankles.
She has been a hard case to deal with but we are starting to get answers.
Her food intolerance's are hard to remember.....this is some of them :)
Wheat, gluten, dairy, beetroot, peanuts, oranges, cane sugar, cocoa, yeast, pork......
Her diet is very restrictive and she is starting to get used to it, and so are we. Ive come off gluten, wheat, dairy etc to support her, as is the others just without knowing it. I'm making more and more things from scratch, the bikky and slice recipes are trial and error but we are getting there!
Then there has been my health. Just after glandular fever came into the diagnoses for Kasey, I got ripper sick with this cough. As normal I fought it with asthma meds which didn't help and because so much of my attention was focused on Amy, Kasey, uni and then just normal very day life I just figured I would let it go away.....but only a month ago I started getting seriously sharp pains in my chest - serious enough for me to go to the GP the next day. So to confirm my suspicion, he said it was Pleurisy. I was put on prednisone for 5 days which worked a treat! Until a week ago (I had been off prednisone for a week) when the coughing started and the phlegm was coming up every single time.....its only time for the sharp pains to come back so Ive put myself back on the prednisone. If it doesn't work for good this time, or the next time I will go back and organise a chest xray. And as usual its my right lung suffering the most 0 the lung which had the peanut in it as a kid.
Uni exams are over and I managed credits!! Which part of me is a little disappointed despite knowing I did what I could. The other bit of me is knowing that despite all that has been going on Ive done good and should be happy!!
Naths had a rough time with work always on strike or having stand down days cos they cannt get the stock in with road closures etc from all the rain. He starts a new job tomorrow at a farm equipment welding mob out there. Starts off as full time and is being paid for his time off over Chrissy despite not having holidays, so it sounds good - fingers crossed it stays good. He will get paid more and there is plenty of overtime....wooooohoooo!!
My mind is feeling great, I dont feel lost, lonely or anything. So many people wanted it to not work out for me just to prove a point that it was a bad decision moving, but its been great. Bloody hard yakka, but great. I live on a mountain with the best view!! Surrounded by farms....its cool!! Yeah Im still on antidepressants but life has been that chaordic (chaotic/orderly) that it would be silly to even think of coming off them.
Ive come across some hard times with friends some old school friends and new friends. One went missing only to be found to have suicided, another in a serious case of trouble in the supreme court system on some serious charges, and also domestic violence. Its opened my eyes and really hit me the reality of shit out there.
Its been a tough year, its seriously been tough, but Ive fought through with no drama's really. My kids are on the mend, both girls have long term health problems/issues that will always need attending to and then the mental stability as I deal with the rest that life has thrown us.
I miss my dreads but this is a new chapter with a new hair style. Maybe I need a new tattoo to symbolise a new start somewhere too.....what a shame that would be :) Would love the southern cross, the boxing kangaroo, fed flag.....rm williams horns would be the ultimate I reckon.....or all of them....!!
So cheers to 2011, you my dear friend have been a test of true character. May 2012 be little less crazy and testing!!
Amy started school and then the house went on the market which sold in a matter of weeks which meant moving sooner than we thought and missing out on our Cape York trip.
So we moved 1200km north into QLD and moved in with the inlaws which turned out to be chaotically and emotionally draining which saw us moved out weeks later into the house in the clouds.
Nath got a job almost instantly which was amazingly great!! What a change to Nowra where you couldn't get another job worthy of leaving such a stable one.
The girls settled into school without much of a drama. Amy settled in really well but Kasey took a little longer.
Amy's hair pulling continued to increase and eventually ended up with her being so stressed with everything that one particular day she was constipated, then had the runs....it was far too much for her coping with change that I had her assessed over the phone with the USQ psychology clinic. They accepted her a couple of days later and the weekly sessions with her psychologist started. She wasn't too sure at first and of course 'Red-Ted' came as he did everywhere. It started out with me staying in the session with her but we (her psyc and I) both realised that when she wasn't sure of how to answer she would look at me to help her. So that lead her to having sessions without me. Over the time, she learnt about emotions, calming and relaxation, stress, who she is, what makes her special but one thing I believe it has done is made her more susceptible to change. Her clothes, socks, shoes, hair, routine for brekky, bed....you name it, it cannot change! every single day its the same clothes for school and I have to either wash them at night and have them dry by the morning or buy 2 or 3 of everything (which works wonders!!!!!).
As for Kasey, she got sick, nothing intense but sick nonetheless and never seemed to get better so 3mths later I took her to the GP who thought her symptoms suggested glandular fever. The medications weren't relieving the symptoms, it didn't matter what we did so bloods were done and it came back saying that she did have GF but NOT within 2mths of the blood test.
So it was off to a paediatrician who charged a fortune to say "She doesn't exercise enough....don't know what it is so go see this guy...". How furious could that make me!!??!! So a 3wk wait saw us in Brisbane at The Wesley Medical Centre seeing a paediatric rheumatologist (who charged almost dbl of the paed back home). He was brilliant and tested her mobility.....she doesn't have the worse case of hyper extension but she has it along with weak muscles that are struggling as they work like normal muscles but also trying to keep her joints from over extending. She has rehab 6 times weekly where she has to be doing low impact exercise like walking, bike riding and swimming. We are not anal about it as she is super active, always chasing the dogs, climbing trees, running, playing....
It was during these months that she had almost every day off school. My aunt also had a blood test organised for her in regards to IgG food intolerance's which came back with a slightly impressive list. She still needs to bloods done to rule out Lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and to also check her connective tissue health. Poor kid has been pocked and prodded but its worth it despite the amount of "I hate you's" I get from her!
Her symptoms use to vary from headaches, earaches, sore throat, swollen glands, unreadable fever )feels very hot yet temp was in normal range), lethargy, fatigue, body aches particularly wrist and ankles.
She has been a hard case to deal with but we are starting to get answers.
Her food intolerance's are hard to remember.....this is some of them :)
Wheat, gluten, dairy, beetroot, peanuts, oranges, cane sugar, cocoa, yeast, pork......
Her diet is very restrictive and she is starting to get used to it, and so are we. Ive come off gluten, wheat, dairy etc to support her, as is the others just without knowing it. I'm making more and more things from scratch, the bikky and slice recipes are trial and error but we are getting there!
Then there has been my health. Just after glandular fever came into the diagnoses for Kasey, I got ripper sick with this cough. As normal I fought it with asthma meds which didn't help and because so much of my attention was focused on Amy, Kasey, uni and then just normal very day life I just figured I would let it go away.....but only a month ago I started getting seriously sharp pains in my chest - serious enough for me to go to the GP the next day. So to confirm my suspicion, he said it was Pleurisy. I was put on prednisone for 5 days which worked a treat! Until a week ago (I had been off prednisone for a week) when the coughing started and the phlegm was coming up every single time.....its only time for the sharp pains to come back so Ive put myself back on the prednisone. If it doesn't work for good this time, or the next time I will go back and organise a chest xray. And as usual its my right lung suffering the most 0 the lung which had the peanut in it as a kid.
Uni exams are over and I managed credits!! Which part of me is a little disappointed despite knowing I did what I could. The other bit of me is knowing that despite all that has been going on Ive done good and should be happy!!
Naths had a rough time with work always on strike or having stand down days cos they cannt get the stock in with road closures etc from all the rain. He starts a new job tomorrow at a farm equipment welding mob out there. Starts off as full time and is being paid for his time off over Chrissy despite not having holidays, so it sounds good - fingers crossed it stays good. He will get paid more and there is plenty of overtime....wooooohoooo!!
My mind is feeling great, I dont feel lost, lonely or anything. So many people wanted it to not work out for me just to prove a point that it was a bad decision moving, but its been great. Bloody hard yakka, but great. I live on a mountain with the best view!! Surrounded by farms....its cool!! Yeah Im still on antidepressants but life has been that chaordic (chaotic/orderly) that it would be silly to even think of coming off them.
Ive come across some hard times with friends some old school friends and new friends. One went missing only to be found to have suicided, another in a serious case of trouble in the supreme court system on some serious charges, and also domestic violence. Its opened my eyes and really hit me the reality of shit out there.
Its been a tough year, its seriously been tough, but Ive fought through with no drama's really. My kids are on the mend, both girls have long term health problems/issues that will always need attending to and then the mental stability as I deal with the rest that life has thrown us.
I miss my dreads but this is a new chapter with a new hair style. Maybe I need a new tattoo to symbolise a new start somewhere too.....what a shame that would be :) Would love the southern cross, the boxing kangaroo, fed flag.....rm williams horns would be the ultimate I reckon.....or all of them....!!
So cheers to 2011, you my dear friend have been a test of true character. May 2012 be little less crazy and testing!!
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