28/8 - 1/9/09 Day 11 - 15

28/9/09 DAY 11

Had 3 visitors this morning: Sara, Maja and Em. Sara told me all the 'crap' I didnt want to hear - be strong, ask God for help, this will make you a better christian, keep praying, blah blah blah! Talking to Maja  was ok but I kept zoning out cos talking to Sara was so hard work and Em rocked up while Maja was here. Em's visit was good but I feel so drained mentally.
I woke up real early this morning, anxious as anything cos A hasn't sent me a message and I told J. She told me everything I already know - he is really busy at work! Dar! I know that, stupid me hey!
I hope I get to see the psych team this arvo, need to convince them I need to go home! Haven't eaten and Ive got a massive headache!

Cannt find the words for poetry today. Dunno why, just cannt think! It hurts too much hey.

3pm - just heard from A, he's had a shit week, will talk later.

Not going to do anger management this arvo with Amjat, dont have anger problem but I need to know whether or not Im gunna see a nurse or not!

ps. Sick of Kly asking if Ive got a lighter on me, or smokes! Get me outta here!!!

NOTE TO SELF: Drink plain old water!

Feeling pretty anxious about seeing the psych team - whats the bet I dont even get to see them hey! And Ill be stuck on 1/2hr break for the weekend! I just wanna get let out of here hey!

My room mate Peta is going home this arvo too, hope I dont get stuck with some strung out junkie.
Kly's going off again! Shit she's a nut case. Oooh Kelly is giving her a mouthful hey! Shut up you 2 will ya's!!

Notice how my handwriting changes?? depends on what mood Im in hey!
When I get home I wanna hug my kids so tight! And never let go!

NO MEETING WITH X NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"one thing I was told is to take baby steps...take it in my own time, dont rush  because others say get over this or that...all things take time to heal from  and we are all different and need the time we need....and it will be setbacks but you will rise and stand up again...I do have my back pack with memories that makes me cry, makes me miss....I guess it will follow me a long time and some things all my life....But the back pack with good things will grow bigger and bigger I hope. Ive found so many beautiful friends and you, yes you, on this way, Im blessed...all things we go through may not be the same but the feeling we get often are...hugs again and 'wow' to us.xxx Jo R.

X isn't going to be in until Tuesday apparently. NOT HAPPY!!!! I nearly spat it on the phone with Nath, he is really ticked off too!!

There is nothing I can do to change the situation so I must stay calm and not worry about it because worrying and getting cranky isnt going to do anything!

Kly's been put in lock up - squealing like mad she is!! Wish she would just shut up hey!! Now she's knocking on the door - uts her usual song and dance routine - noone answers her. She's gunna get sedated soon!!

29/8/09 DAY 12

Its raining today. I wish I was at home with my beauties! I cannt see the mountains today, so much for being 28 degrees!!
Been having really vivid dreams lately, must be the seroquel doing it to me.


Just got to see my kids over lunch time, they love playing with the pool table and giving me cuddles and kisses and I hate seeing them leave!! But they are coming back up in the morning with Mum. I hope Nath brings Bridie up cos I missed her kisses and cuddles just before. Gee, I cannt wait till I get home.
Yet another long night. Finished ANOTHER book this arvo, dunno what to read now. Cut my arm a little tonight to see how it felt. Was good hey!! I dont care if it hurts, Im kinda hurting already so this is just a visual, gives me something to focus on, something different. I just need to hide it from everyone thats all. long sleeves will do the trick.

Renewal
Rain rhythmically patters on the steps
as she looks out to the hills.
She wonders if its a sign
she cannot see into the distance
at what the day may bring.
Bit its the lure of the landscape
that keeps her holding on.
Its like something is there
that she cannot reach but can
vaguely see in the distance.
The fresh morning mist blends
with the harshness of the future
as it brings to her fear
of the unknown.
But there is hope, there is rain
may cleanse away and bring
renewal that is needed.

The Meetings
She almost felt naked in
the room with their eyes,
the room seemed filled
with fear and hope.
But the two mixed together
gave off a hazy view,
like mist in the morning.
It almost frightened her
but not quite.
Desperate for a
familiar voice
she sat there with her heart
in her mouth.
Emotions were like a
kaleidoscope, constantly shifting
constantly changing
the colours and shapes
altered and moving.
She felt triumphant that it 
had gone well and would
now lie silent
and drained of energy.

In My Skin
She tears at it like 
its not her own, 
picking and scratching.
It turns red and she tears
some more, 
line by line, 
the pain starts to fade
but as it fades
another one starts.
It will heal, 
its only wounds, 
would rather that
than the other.

J's been doing uni today - got half her assignment done that is due on Wednesday. A has had a shit week at work, very long days by the sounds of it. They are off to a 60th tonight. I love their friendship and the care they give. I know no other couple like them. My life would not exist without them I believe. I owe them so much!

The wind whispers through the gap
a familiar voice but not the one longed for.
The stars sparkle - a sign of life
but not the life she can feel.
the darkness and wind are a comfort
to her soul like sand in the desert
is to a camels hoof.
A familiar voice she is longing for
as she sits and ponder the setting
sun's sign.
There is a mystery about the air
tonight, 
she can feel it in her bones.

30/8/09 DAY 13

Got to see the kids again this morning. Dad brought them up - just not Bridie. Nathan is going to being her up tomorrow. He said he is trying to get a few things done at home today. I miss being at home, it really pulls at my heart to be there, but I just cannt. I need to be at home, I dont care about anything else, Ill get better but I need to be home!! I want to be at home....

...Im sick of that pen - it feels messy lol So Ill use a new pen.

I really feel like crap today. I want to escape away from my head and my pain, I want to feel free and not like this! The cuts on my arms aren't making me feel any better, they still hurt a little but I just feel like crap! Its like I cannt escape!

reflection
leave me alone here on my bed
its quiet and tranquil
as if Im sitting on the rocks
of a stream out west.
The water is trickling without
a care in the world,
the wind whispers through
the meadows' trees.
Its peaceful and less frantic
unlike the other place
where there is chatter about
anything that doesn't matter.
Its time to be still and reflect
on the life that is.


The words have escaped me today. The words to describe why I feel crap. I feel like curling up in a ball and being left to die a painful death. I feel like noone understands me, like Im struggling. I didnt sleep well and Im feeling slightly anxious. I feel like Im drowning!


J and A said I need to take care of myself because Im important, special and because I matter but how else do I get this pain to stop? My heart is aching to be home with my hubby and babies but Im not! Im here and I want the pain to stop but it cannt and it wont!!!!!

N, my favorite nurse (was the one who admitted me) just pulled me aside and asked me how Im really going. I told her how I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself. I seriously cannt get rid of the thoughts! They are always there and it is just to tiring trying to fight it.
She reckons its a bad idea if I go home - Im still quite suicidal in my thoughts although the risk has dropped.

an unwanted friend
You are there when i sleep
and when i rise,
you are there at dusk
and again at dawn.
there on the horizon you are
and again beside me
in lifes path.
You know when I sit
and you know when I stand
You never leave me
not even when ive company.
You withstand the test of time
and preserve through the thick.
I shrug my shoulders and you stay
I push you away and you bounce back.
My thoughts, you are unkind and unwanted
but I have no say,
you are something I cannt reach
although I see you.

31/8/09 DAY 14

Ive woken up feeling fairly good today. I feel happy cos Nath is coming up with Bridie girl. But i feel kinda scared too cos I have to tell Nath that because I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself that they may keep me here longer. But i need to be home, not here, I need to learn how to deal with this at home, I need to look into this CBT. I need to start the next chapter and that cannt happen here.
Joh, Maja and Kel visited last night..........It was a good visit.
It was like Sara visiting the other day, just had to be done and the polite things said. I dont want to know God is with me and how people in the bible struggled. I dont want people telling me this will make me a stronger christian - cos quite frankly I dont give a shit. I dont want anything to do with God or anything....I just wish people knew that without me having to tell them! ARGH!!

the secret
At days break there is a
mist of unwelcome fog,
this and heavy and burdensome.
It sits quietly in the open paddock.
The trees sway bringing a
whisper for all to hear,
but listen intently for its
quiet, soft and dolce.
The sun splits the clouds
and allows the mist to shimmer,
like diamonds in the sun
but its the serpent to watch for
like in the garden long before.
The wind begins to howl
longing for a tentative listener,
needing to release its secrets
to any who dare come.
Its the sun that brings warmth
for the day that is to come
for when the fog lifts is
when the winds secrets
shall be understood.

anticipation of a voice
Hearing his voice
will be like a gift,
to hear something familiar
will be soothing to one's soul.
A freshness will be brought
and the clean air will be clean.
There will be a mystery about
his voice, but no fear.
Life will feel all worthy
and all wonderful
when his words are spoken.

its 10.30am and nath with be here soon with Bridie. I cannt wait to see my baby girl. Its been a WHOLE week. I cannt wait to see how much she has grown, her big blue eyes, her smile that makes her eyes disappear, to have her cuddle me and suck all over my face, to feed her, play with her and make her smile, to have her in my arms. She warms my soul deep within me, she makes me smile from deep within, she brightens my day if nothing else will, she makes the future worth fighting for. Bridie girl makes me happy.

"no matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on"
"time for you to start treating yourself as precious and valuable rather than hurting yourself. You deserve to be treated well by everyone, particularly yourself" - A
"life is a series of problems, either your in one now, you just coming out of one or your just getting ready to go into another one"



Im here for another week!!
They are keeping me on care plan #3 because they are on edge especially during the night. And just to make sure they are sending me for a head scan and checking thyroid function.
Im not even being let home for a day or anything!!ARGH!!!
But I did get to see my Bridie girl and Jonty. Nath is really upset that Im not coming home, he is really angry! Im just over this shit hey! So over it! I dont care anymore!!!!

where my heart lies
My tears are falling
each drop is for
someone special at home.
Dont they understand
the need for babies
to have their mother?
dont they understand
that husbands need
their wives.
I dont need to be here
I need to be home
for that is where my heart lies;
that is where i belong.
I dont want to be here anymore
I want to be home
where my heart lies.


To be here and not there
to finally cry some tears
my heart, black, it will wear
as the future no longer nears.
To see nothing
on the horizon
to not have some light
is like standing on
the points edge,
balancing for life.
My heart longs for my home
to finally hold them
where I belong.


Just spoke to nath on the phone, he is searching for answers cos he wants to fully know what is going on and my actual diagnosis etc. He had a good chat to Maja which cleared up a lot of questions. Mum is going to take time off work to help with the kids while he is working, Bruce and Hazel have to go back home this week.
I feel really bad for nath, he is so stressed and worried sick and its all my fault!! He tells me not to worry. I feel like ive let him down by not getting any better. He tells me Im in the right place to get better, which kinda makes me feel better but i still worry!!

1/9/09 DAY 15
Took forever to go to sleep last night and I slept lightly for the rest of the night and woke about 5am. My mind feels blank today. Its feels like my head is empty which is a good thing I suppose.
Gran is coming to visit soon. She will have a coronary if Kly starts mouthing off!! She was a bit shocked when Em told her it was a drug rehab too!

Empty spaces fill my mind
as I sit and watch the sun shine.
I feel free to think
almost anything,
no fogginess in that space.
But its pounding
like hooves on the hard dirt.
It really does hurt
i feel free to think
almost anything.
I feel its been accomplished
to rid of the thoughts of hell.
I think I might be well,
but there on the horizon is mist
of the next morning
for what tomorrow may bring
is what satan can sing.
Oh rid of my mind of tomorrow
and let the space be
free of sorrow.

With you I feel inadequate,
one who has let me down.
One who you are not proud of.
You are in the impossible catch,
one who cannot be equal,
yet you say to try.
How can I if Im in a hell
of an unwanted life?
There will never be a time
where your happy
with ones goal.
How dare you hole me in this time,
Im unworthy of your car.
Just leave me to rot
just leave me to die.
Where is the love, the
protection you give?
And where are the footsteps
you asked me to follow?
There will never be a time
more painful as this
So leave me be
Leave me to die an
inadequate death.


Once a mighty stallion
with a family of great
stood proud of his place,
His offspring down below.
Many years it took for him ti know
just how to stand his ground.
With every decision as great
as the one before.
He was triumphant and stood
with head held high,
mane flowing in the wind
as if it gave the secret to his life.
He was free, unbound to
the life that was taken by
so many more.
Never before had he stood
on the edge of that cliff
with the pride of his herd.


The sand swept dunes stand
tall above the ocean
where they give way to the
blue of the water below.
Its a place of silence and peace
where noone else goes
The red dunes cannot
be weakened
for they are there through
the storms of the harsh sky.
They stand proud, stand strong
never giving in to the world below.
They are haunted by echoes
of a familiar voice
but the dunes are valiant to the end
even when memories of past
rush towards them.
But somewhere deep in the heart
is the voice of her soul
waiting to capture the future,
to re-write history,
to rebuild the life
that vanished into thin air,
that vanished into the tides
of the ocean.

rape victim
it rapes you in the middle of the night,
it takes over your day
like the storm clouds that
block out the sun.
The feeling engulfs your being
like the waves over
a sunken ship.
Fighting that urge takes
you through hell,
being dragged by chains
wrapped around your feet,
cutting you, piercing you,
as you are taken against
your will.
the fighter tries to shine
like the sun in a storm
like the moon on
an overcast night.
You cry out loud,
'why me?'
Yet it does not care,
for you are its prey
Its claws come for the kill.
A wave of darkness
a fog of terror
assist the devil with his calling.
A tear at your soul
a shiver of fear
gives the signal
the prey is here.
For no matter what
noone cares
is the answer he gives
as you scream out in pain.
The wave of terror
and the white-wash of agony
is predestined before
the age of time.

outback station
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the fences are worn
and the grass is brown.
The rolling hills are
a landscape longed for
where the cattle are calm;
where the air is clear.
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the windmills spin
to bring life to the land
and where the bales show
that all is not lost.
The landscape is triumphant
through the drought thats been
giving her courage
that all is not lost.

I feel ok today but still full of fog. I haven't had thoughts of self harm and haven't re-thought things through. I feel kinda spacey which I good I suppose. I miss my chats with A even though Ive been chatting with J. I cannot wait to see them, whenever that shall be. I promised them I would fight this and I dont want to fight this forever either!
Im scared that one day it will get the better of me and will give in, I will stop fighting and I will hurt myself more than what i have.
What do I have a hubby and kids to live for? A family that loves me? and why did I promise J and A?? I wish I had nothing so that it was easier to give in to death.
I need to go get my washing off the line.

finale
images of knives
rock the foundation of her mind.
the stabbing, the cutting
is hurting one who was kind.
The tree, the bridge,
the falling, the drowning,
the sorrow, the tears
will all fade away
when she closes her eyes
one last time, with
one last breath.
Images cease
Pain ceases
and the fear of the future
is stopped in the dead
of the night.
Then freedom comes
is it in sight.
The tunnel to the end holds
a mysterious mist to travel through.
The end is in sight
the end is in reach.
It is here at last.

"Australia is the worlds largest sand pit. Wanna play?


Ive had an ok kind of day - no anxiety and no thoughts or re-thinking. I had a bit of a meeting with 3 wanna be doctors cos they have to so case studies and I told them about the cuts on my arms. they told the nurses so now N knows and asked to see them and wont let me use a razor (i soooo need to shave my legs!!) and has also taken my earing off me - cos they are awesome tools to make blood.