So there was a suicide in North nowra last night. He was a father of 2. But what would bring this man to do such a thing? How did things become so hard that he had to hang himself in the garage? Did his family know of his inner termoil? There are so many questions that I dont have the answer for, maybe his family cannt even answer these.
So what is your immediate thought of someone who suicides? Does your heart instantly sink? Do you think that they were weak doing such an horrendous act? Or do you think they weren't weak but something else? How does it make you feel knowing that someone took their own life? Does it challenge you to reassess yourself, your life, your problems?
So many people out there in this world will never know or experience the pain of someone suiciding. And even though this is a blessing, they are lacking so much in experience, in knowledge, in life! To have a new understanding of life, a new perspective on emotions, mental health and how life isn't really all that rosey is something that suicide brings to those left behind, as well as heart ache.
So is suicide selfish? How does it affect the ambulance officers? The police? The neighbours? What makes me so angry is when people dont listen to your story, your fight for survival. I didnt want to suicide yet I had to fight my body SO HARD not to. When you are in such deep dark horrendous depression you lose the concept of reality even though you think you've still got it. You lose insight. You lose good feelings. You feel anger, like death warmed up, worthless, like shit! You have no motivation, you cannt eat, you struggle with a simple task of cleaning your teeth, having a shower, changing your clothes. It became so hard for me to fight suicide that it wore me out so much that I just didnt have the energy to do it. I couldn't be stuffed!! Suicide required energy and I didnt have it. I didnt want to but .... I dunno, its hard to explain.
In the eyes of the people left behind, suicide can be seen as selfish, as the easy way out. They are the ones left to deal with the kids without a father or mother, they have to live with unanswered questions, why why why why why????????? Its the easy way out - but there are so many options. Is there?? When you are that depressed and overridden with the black dog...there is no other option. The option of waking up again and having the black dog at your heels, snapping, biting your energy out of you...thats not an option anymore. At some point you say 'enough is enough', 'Ive been strong enough for too long'.
Ive been strong enough for too long - have you ever thought of that? That someone who has suicided has been too strong for too long, that they cannt be the strong one anymore? I hope you do!
Its a fight, an inner fight with your deepest and darkest emotions. To fight takes everything you have and more. To die is gain!
To those of you out there living with depression, anxiety, BPD, chronic fatigue, PTSD and every other non visual illness, you dont need to be strong but you need to be real. Why be strong when you feel like its going to break you? You think people wont understand? Yeah, some wont but guess what - they can go jump for all I care cos the majority of people out there are compassionate and prefer real people. Fakeness sucks yet at the same time...being fake some days just to get through is ok!! If being fake helps get you through the day, then that is awesome, but be real at the same time.
So what is your immediate thought of someone who suicides? Does your heart instantly sink? Do you think that they were weak doing such an horrendous act? Or do you think they weren't weak but something else? How does it make you feel knowing that someone took their own life? Does it challenge you to reassess yourself, your life, your problems?
So many people out there in this world will never know or experience the pain of someone suiciding. And even though this is a blessing, they are lacking so much in experience, in knowledge, in life! To have a new understanding of life, a new perspective on emotions, mental health and how life isn't really all that rosey is something that suicide brings to those left behind, as well as heart ache.
So is suicide selfish? How does it affect the ambulance officers? The police? The neighbours? What makes me so angry is when people dont listen to your story, your fight for survival. I didnt want to suicide yet I had to fight my body SO HARD not to. When you are in such deep dark horrendous depression you lose the concept of reality even though you think you've still got it. You lose insight. You lose good feelings. You feel anger, like death warmed up, worthless, like shit! You have no motivation, you cannt eat, you struggle with a simple task of cleaning your teeth, having a shower, changing your clothes. It became so hard for me to fight suicide that it wore me out so much that I just didnt have the energy to do it. I couldn't be stuffed!! Suicide required energy and I didnt have it. I didnt want to but .... I dunno, its hard to explain.
In the eyes of the people left behind, suicide can be seen as selfish, as the easy way out. They are the ones left to deal with the kids without a father or mother, they have to live with unanswered questions, why why why why why????????? Its the easy way out - but there are so many options. Is there?? When you are that depressed and overridden with the black dog...there is no other option. The option of waking up again and having the black dog at your heels, snapping, biting your energy out of you...thats not an option anymore. At some point you say 'enough is enough', 'Ive been strong enough for too long'.
Ive been strong enough for too long - have you ever thought of that? That someone who has suicided has been too strong for too long, that they cannt be the strong one anymore? I hope you do!
Its a fight, an inner fight with your deepest and darkest emotions. To fight takes everything you have and more. To die is gain!
To those of you out there living with depression, anxiety, BPD, chronic fatigue, PTSD and every other non visual illness, you dont need to be strong but you need to be real. Why be strong when you feel like its going to break you? You think people wont understand? Yeah, some wont but guess what - they can go jump for all I care cos the majority of people out there are compassionate and prefer real people. Fakeness sucks yet at the same time...being fake some days just to get through is ok!! If being fake helps get you through the day, then that is awesome, but be real at the same time.
Still here, and still reading!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou always raise good points Laura and believe that people need understanding. You help deliver that!!! So many people wont talk freely about their mental illnesses, but people need to hear the story...
I really hope the move goes well and you all settle in quickly!!!!
Laura,
ReplyDeleteAll you have said is absolutely true and very real. I ache inside every time I hear of a suicide because I feel so sad that the person was not able to get the help to help and they ended up doing the only thing they thought they could do to end their unbearable pain.That pain is all encompassing and you feel like everyone would be better off without you as you make their lives a misery. Even though that isn't true, it is certainly how you feel when your are enveloped in that huge, black cloud.It is so very sad and that "appearing strong" as you have put it is so what we have to be even when we feel horrible. But you are right..... we should be able to be real and express how much of a struggle it all is without the guilt. Again, thank you for your honesty and your insight.