My heart had stopped beating.

My heart has sunk, it feels like there is a lump in my throat, I swear my heart has actually stopped for a few moments only to start beating again. Ive felt sick and Ive felt lost. Ive wondered and questioned what has happened in this past week. You see, last Tuesday night I was on facebook and saw that a friend from school hadn't returned home. He had left Sydney that morning, a few hours later he sent a message saying that he was an hour away from being home (which if you look at the map, he was about 6hrs). Snowy was a friend from school, from yr 4 - yr 10. It was a small school which meant a small class, everyone knew everyone. We may be 13yrs on in our lives since we were all together but when the time comes we band together like it was only yesturday we were at school.

Anyway, this isn't about details. This is about someone's life, his family, friends, old school mates, people who didnt know him or only knew who he was. Its about how a life that ended so tragically that noone suspected!! Its about a facebook page that had over 2400 followers, all supporting his family over Tuesday -  Sunday. Some knew Snowy, some didn't. But one thing they all had in common was their eagerness to find him, to bring him home, to know that he was safe, to make aware his disappearance. With 1000's of kilometers between them, they posted on their walls links, new info, and anything else that could be passed on to others.  And one thing all these wall posts had in common - 'pass it on' - the need to get his information out. When times get tough, us Aussie's come together, the racism, hate, religion, work, and anything else that stops people from getting along cease to exist for those short moments in time. Those who didnt know Snowy were passing the message on, people who knew Snowy were letting people know. Truckie's were being told which means the info was being passed along the UHF channels, journo's, radio stations - by people who wanted to bring a man home. Noone was giving up searching, noone was giving up on getting the message out there. Websites for travellers, mums n bubs, footy clubs and many more were getting the message out there that he had not returned home.

It's not my place to speculate on his relationship with his ex-wife, its not my place, but one thing I know is that their 2 children now have the rest of their lives without 'daddy' there.

So how does one come to the point in life where suicide is planned, becomes the only option and is carried out? How does one feel to know that this could have been intervened? How does one feel when they read that this disappearance is out of character and that there were no mental health issues?

What would go through your mind if you heard an old friend that you hadn't seen in 10yrs had suicided?? That noone suspected it?? That it was completely out of character?? Seriously - think about it - what is the first thing you think of?? Do you feel ashamed? Sad? Angry? Or do you feel like saying 'what a selfish thing to do'?

So to be found on his 30th birthday, imagine what his mother would be feeling? If you are not a mother, you probably wont understand the relationship that a mother has with her child - no matter of the childs age. Its a different relationship to a father/child relationship. She grew him in her womb, gave birth to him, fed him as a new born and nurtured him to become an independant human being. My heart bleeds for her loss. I cann't and will not ever imagine what they are feeling and thinking. But I do know the pain and agony that Snowy would have felt to get to such a point in time to end it. I dont know their side of the story but I can feel his. I relive it every time something like this happens.

And Im a female....Snowy, being a male, would have found it so much harder than I did to reach out, to get the help he needed. Its the male mentality that needs to be broken in this situation. Why is it that men feel like a poonce if they say they aren't coping? Why do they always have to be the 'strong ones'?

And in a country where there is more and more emphasis being put on the need to reach out and help someone with depression, things like this still happen. I just hope that the message is getting through to some people, that suicidal awareness is being made known.

Depression is a silent cancer - it eats at you, tries to kill you and eventually it can. You cannt just look at someone and say 'oh they have depression' like you can with someone who has crutches for a broken leg or a sling for a broken arm. But there are symptoms, slight hints in people's lives that there could be something going on that needs to be looked at by a professional. Its like cancer or something else that is internal - it radiates and, you get symptoms, you know something is wrong but you keep going on with your life thinking it will go away, but it doesn't, it gets worse, so bad that eventually there is nothing that can be done to help you.

But that is where depression and cancer differ - even at the very end of the line, someone who is only seconds away from suicide can be helped - their life can be turned around. Death can be held down and stopped. At any point in the cycle of depression can someone get help, it doesn't matter how depressed they are - there is help and there is hope. They may not feel it, think it or believe you but its true. You need to win their trust, just like I learnt to trust A & J. I didnt believe a word they said but I implicitly knew they knew what they were talking about and I trusted them.

So where do we go from here? How can friends support someone through such a week like this? How do we be real with each other how WE are feeling? Does such an event hit a raw spot that needs some vital attention? How do we move on in life while his family's and closest friends comes to a stand-still, to a place of isolation, loneliness, sadness and heartache? How do we learn from this? How do we ........ ???

Maybe instead of asking the why questions that go with such a tragic thing, we should ask ourselves the how?? How is this going to affect his family and friends? How can I support them? How can I get help? How can I offer help? How does someone get to the point of acting on suicide without anyone noticing something was wrong? How can I stop this from happening to myself, a family member, a friend, a stranger? How can I learn from this?

When I rushed out to Nath last night to tell him the news of Snows body being found, one thing he said was 'its such a waste of a life'. What does that mean? Is that suppose to mean that his life was a waste, or the rest of his life was wasted and his life should have been someone elses?? What does one mean when they say that?? I dont understand. A part of me wants to say 'no, its not a waste of a life'. His life had meaning, it had a purpose and just because it ended just shy of his 30th birthday doesn't mean that it was wasted. Or does it?

During the past week Ive visited the missing persons website (Australian) and also the missing persons register. There are so many people who have just 'vanished'. Reading the background of so many of the missing persons really hit home that anyone we know can just all of a sudden not be here anymore. I wonder just how many 'missing persons' we have in our lives. Surely we've come across someone who is declared missing and we just dont know about it. So from this moment on I intend to be more aware of those who are declared missing and be 'on the lookout' for anyone that looks familiar from the profile pictures. Its not much, only 10 minutes a week it will take, just to read through some of the stories and really look at the pictures. And you know what, as I did this yesturday some of the faces were actually familiar but I just cannt pin it on a particular thing. Some are familiar because tv shows and missing person posters etc, but some just seem a little too familiar and if I think of where these people have come from then I will follow up on it. Maybe more of us should be doing this too.

So as I sit here trying to rid the pain in my heart, the constant thoughts of the past week, I realise just how lucky I am. Lucky because I have survived the hell that suicide can give. I fought it so many times. I feel lucky because I can still look at my children's father. I sit here in the dark trying to think of what to write and the words I have written I question. Im trying to 'get on with life' so that I can study for my exams next week.

I dont know how to end this post. Do I say 'hooroo'?? I like hooroo but its not appropriate for this one. So Ill say this: Offer you heart and let the lost find their way back home. To help means to love and trust will bring peace. Hold close those who are near to your heart and never let a moment go by where you are truly in awe of the people in your lives. Never let a day go by where wrongs aren't forgiven and relationships aren't healed. Never go to bed with an angry heart. Ill leave it there.....