21/10/10
Feel like absolute crap hey! Finances suck ass! I hate October for finances!! Could seriously go back to renting - would be less stress for Nath, but really?? In this town, rent would cost us the same amount each week as the mortgage does. Ahh, we could rent and go camping more often, get away a lot easier. We could nick off for 12mths....do home schooling (or would it be tent schooling?)
If we dont hear from the army then I guess we just might have to sell up. Nath needs a decent job and get off night shift.
I hate feeling stressed. It feels like Im going to have a heart attack. The anxiety is insane. Its horrible!
Only a few more weeks to go for uni. I hope I do well, I dont expect fantastic marks but I hope I do better than just 'ok'. (Ok, so reality - Im still not happy unless its at the top. I will be soooooo disappointed if I get anything less than a D. Im trying to convince myself that I dont expect fantastic marks...but really, I DEMAND!!!! good marks!!)
Gee Im putting on weight hey. My stomach is soooo flabby, All I do is eat...lately anyway. Im back up to 74kg!! Thats pretty much 5kg that Ive put on in 12mths!! I look like an oompa loompa - short, fat, stocky...all I need is a bald head with a mini pony tail. Im back up to size 12-14 clothes too! Sucks! and my stomach is one of those 'hang over' ones. It looks horrible. I hate my body. I want to stop eating but its like Im eating for the hell of it, like Im bored or something. The last time my stomach grumbled was sooooo long ago that I cannt remember!! I am constantly having thoughts of anorexia-ism (is that a word??). I have these tiny little thoughts that pop up that I could do it...its like its my evil little angel sitting on my shoulder saying 'your fat, ugly, look at you you ugly rancid beast!' and I really struggle staying on the side of the good angel who says 'noone but dogs like bones'.
I have nooooo motivation whatsoever hey. Nath says I should be going for walks, getting outside and do something but that idea can just go to hell!! All I want to do is either sleep or lay on the lounge and watch movies.
Im worried about Trina, I just keep reminding her that she cannt just 'snap out of it' like she keeps saying that she will.
Depression sucks.
3/11/10
Had psych exam today. I think I did pretty well.
Ive been feeling good lately. Im rethinking my plan of coming off my medication. The chance of relapse is too high at this point in time.
Ally is still not well, there are so many things she has to sort through and with BPD - there is no 'cure' for it. DBT can help with the stressors and relationship problems, but that is no cure! It is soooo frustrating!!
Anyway, I feel kind of drained. Emotionally that is. We had a huge disagreement with bible study but that is all sorted, I think??
On Saturday at mum and dads (mum is in Zimbabwe with Rosina) I had a quick flick through mums little journal that she has sitting in the back room. It doesn't have much in it but 25th Aug '09 she wrote that she was very frightened for me and felt very sad. My entire body instantly felt different. It was like I all of a sudden felt what mum must have felt last year, and it was only a few short words that she wrote. As I read it I instantly put myself in her place - what if I was writing that about one of our girls, or Jonty?? It took a good 10min or more for that feeling to ease. It was like I was frozen and couldn't move. I felt different all day after that. The more I thought of it the more my body ached.
Am I glad I didnt go through with my suicides? Yeah, I think I am. Am I still angry with j & A? Yeah, but not as much. I still feel hurt and sometimes want to lash out at them but not as much. They did what they thought they had to do, even if I thought it was wrong. Im glad that I was friends with them but sometimes - many times - I wish I never got them involved. I wish I never spoke to A.
Why does life do this to us? Why do we get hurt and lied to?? Why do friends come and go? It sucks! Especially people who I thought I was connected with. I want to spend an entire forever with them. As much as I have wanted to push them away, all I have ever wanted was for them to apologise and to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok!
Im tired and Im wanting to go to bed, but I want to stay up and do nothing. Be still and know that everything will be ok!
I love my kids so much. I hope I can be there for them and never let them down. I hope that as they get older that I can help them grow into beautiful people and steer them in the right direction. This is one thing I refuse to fail at!! Im gunna do my utmost best to help them be strong, confident people, to help them realise their abilities and to encourage them to do their best. I want to be there for them. They are the reason why Im still alive today. I survived suicide for them and have got to the point where I can almost believe that I will be ok.
I love you guys. I hope you know deep in your hearts that you are precious and worthy of love! xoxox
10/11/10
Had BCSS exam today. Glad that one is over huh!! Was quite hard, if I pass Ill be happy - that is my honest thinking!!
Wonder how Ally is going? She hasn't been too good lately. They've been buying lost of furniture lately and painting too I think. Hope it gives her something to focus on, something good.
So glad I dont have uni any more. I can have normal nights now without sitting in front of the computer, without reading, doing assignments, having deadlines! Bring it on!!
Mum comes back from Zimbabwe tomorrow. Woohoo!!
I wish J and A would send me a message! Something personal! Our friendship is still nothing like it was but Im more relaxed with how it is now. I know I dont have to hear from them. But I still wish I did. Maybe I should send J something - ask her about uni, what she is in for next year, something like that.
27/11/10
Been going alright since uni has finished for the year. Early nights are awesome. I am sleeping sooo much. I think Ive worked it out that Im getting a D for bcss and a C for psych - would have thought it would be the other way round. Well I guess Ill fing out once the results are out.
Been meaning to write it for yonks but everytime I get over stressed, over pushed or emotionally pushed I get to the point where I want to hurt myself. And its a daily fight. I have for like, well, always just never thought much of it in the past year, I just ignore it cos I know the feeling goes away, eventually, plus Im busy - Ive got things to do. Ive just noticed it so much more lately and Im writing it now cos its finally a good time to remember it and write it out. I think of places where I could cut myself and where people wouldn't see, like my thigh, stomach. My arms would be too noticeable. Its a fight with the good and evil angels on my shoulders again....I know I shouldn't and that is mostly cos Nath gets upset. I imagine the process instead and its nowhere near as good as the physical job but its what i can do without arguments.
Haven't got much to write really. Ive been really questioning whether I should come off efexor or not. Looking at the stats I know that this is going to be an ongoing battle.
2/12/10
I seriously dont feel like moving today or doing anything. I have no motivation at all. I feel tired all the time, Im putting weight on so I feel fat and feral. I know if I tell R or Dr M they will tell me to get out and exercise. Its so hard cos I know it will make me feel better but I dont want to do anything.
I forgot about cooking dinner too, again. I cannt be stuffed doing any washing most days and Im losing all care about how I go about my day.
Im going deeper and deeper into depression. I can feel it. There is no thought of suicide or anything like that, I just do not want to deal with anyone or anything.
I think too now that uni has finished for the year that I have a void to fill. Its like Im back to nothing to keep me going everyday. No wonder i started feeling good at the end of the year when uni started.
I wish I had the motivation to get going everyday. Maybe I should see R again, I was suppose to see her a month ago when my exams were on but time has got away from me.
I feel like sleeping the entire day no matter how much sleep I get. I could seriously sleep the rest of my life away.
So do I go back to drinking again?? Sometimes I wish I could be drunk 24/7 and have no responsibilities, just to lose myself into oblivion for a while.
Been having some really violent dreams lately too. And they are all at night time - well, they are very dark 9its not day time) with rapes, suicide, murder and frustration with myself.
Ally is back in hospital. I haven't heard from her so Im not really sure on how she is going but she did send me a quick email saying she was on day leave. I really hope they sort something out for her. Cannt see why they couldn't try lithium - she really needs a mood stabiliser.
Anyway I feel like I have been writing in here for ages - more than the pages show. Im in a scribble mood. Just wanna scribble stuff and focus on something that takes me away to la la land.
Anyway, gotta go wake Nath up for work. Then its a cuppa, shower and bed time...Internet is super slow so haven't been on fb much.
(the next 2 pages are full of scribbles - half a face, eyes, a nose, lips, sharp lines, treble and bass clefs, a little piece of writing: "The hiding place of reality is within her body, within her soul; A place where noone can steal away the feeling of blah!", roller skates a love heart with sharp lines of different angles inside it and similar lines surrounding it)
3/12/10
Still feel like its a bad depression episode. My head is in an ok place but I have all the physical symptoms. Im tired and I dont care anymore. Fuck off world and leave me in peace.
This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
9/8/10 - 14/10/10 (end of journal #2)
9/8/10
Im coping ok so far, knowing that 2 days ago was when Joh took me to casualty last year. Remember the nurse? He was sincere, I wish I knew his name.
So Im going to get through another day, its mentally hard even though I feel like Im not fighting anything. Dreamt last night I met up with Rach in a park in Sydney, found her in a toilet block. I was trying clothes on and she was on leave from rehab that was on 'disability street'. She looked heaps skinnier and younger, then there was like a voice coming from a loud speaker commenting on a 4wd going up the road on the tram tracks without being in 4wd. Weird dream. My dreams are all weird!!
I quiver at the thought of Charmaine Dragun (ch 10 News reader who suicided at the Gap) - even writing her name is hard and its starts off an anxiety attack. Same goes with Mark Priestley ('Dan' from All Saints). I think of their high profile life and how they went about life on screen with noone 'out there' knowing what was really going on. Mark was fairly open about his depression and I remember him being on Sunrise once speaking about it......but that didnt help did it??!! And Charmaine was on Efexor.....same as me!
I need to make an appointment to see R again, but its my last one for the year, I think.
I want someone to tell me everything about last year - I want to see me from an outsiders point of view - I want to read my notes from hospital. I want to know everything.
10/8/10
Ally was discharged the other week - last week I think. Her, Grant and the kids are coming to visit on Sunday!!! I sooooo cannt wait!!!!
15/8/10
Ally, Grant and the kids visited today. Was really good :) but slightly awkward talking hospital stuff with nath & Grant there. I really hope Ally starts believing in herself, she is afraid to come good I think.....strike, I know I am.
I feel ok, drained from uni, but I feel good mentally, I think. I still have moments of crapness but I try to ignore it, not that I should be ignoring it but I just dont give it much thought. But really, I dont have time.....I just get on with what I have to do. Its what has brought me down, ignoring my reality but I seriously have better things to do than think.
27/8/10
I spent last weekend with Ally. She was sooo suicidal on Friday night and so Saturday I got Mum to look after the kids and I went up to see her. Community health rang me from her place to see if I was coming up - she refused to go with them to hospital. So Saturday we just hung out at her place and I left a bit before Grant got home. I told him that I would come back up in the morning and take her to cas and Al was ready to be admitted again with that plan. So I got up there a bit before lunch, her bag was packed and off to Shellharbour hospital we went. She is sooooooo much like me when Im suicidal - I go from hyper and talkative, laughing and then all of a sudden - blank, nothing! And the stupid friggin' doctor who came to do her obs was sooooo rude!!!!!!! I reckon I was this close to being kicked out!! She was giving her a lecture on contraception and how silly it was of her to have 5 kids. I gave it to this woman, who the fuck does she think she is???? And how dare she treat a patient that way!!!! We eventually saw the psychiatrist - he was nice and explained things. Al hated him but I explained it to her in non-med language and what it meant. He told me that Grant, me and everyone else cannt jump everytime she says she is going to suicide - that the responsibilty IS partly hers and that if she does suicide then we should not feel guilty because we couldn't stop it. And just cos she is suicidal doesn't mean she gets admitted either, that she needs to stop relying on everyone to do things for her, to make her better and that she needs to start helping herself get better too.
So going through all this, my depression is under control. Nath was sooooo worried it would drag me down....and it still might. But I feel good. I reckon I could stop taking efexor hey but Im on such a high dose I would have to do it slowly.
Going through last weekend with Ally has made me stronger and so thankful that Im not where she is at now. I just read a bit of my journal entries from hospital - all that suicide stuff. It feels like it wasn't real. doesn't even feel like a bad dream. All the emotions are there and I understand it but it doesn't feel like reality.
I heard some beautiful piano music the other day - wish I could play it but at the same time Im so glad that I dont play anymore. Its like it belongs to my old life and that I cannt have it as part of my 'new life'. I wonder why? I almost feel glad that I dont play anymore and even thought about selling it, but I wont, maybe the kids will wanna learn.
I dont want to ever feel like I did this time last year. Im thankful I didnt suicide 'cos even though all the cliched talk about it is crap - its true. The past year has seriously been life changing - for good :) Gee Im sounding like someone who is 'all better'.
Anyway bed is calling with my hot water bottle :)
1/9/10
Felt like curling up in bed and not moving at all today. I wish i had that luxury sometimes - although i reckon I would never get up lol. I feel down-ish tonight but I dont want to sleep or talk about it. I dont want to do anything. Shut-the-house-up kind of day :(
2/9/10
I wanna come off efexor. I hate it.
4/9/10
Ive been so easily pissed off with the kids lately. Everything is taking my energy and Im feeling really down. I was really quiet at mums today. I just want to be a wombat!! Nath thins its a bad idea for me to come off efexor and think I should see a psychiatrist instead of Dr M. Im so tired hey. I want peace around me. Not just the kids to be less full-on but I dont want anyone around me. There is sooo much noise and happenings that I feel like I cannt keep up.
I need to see R.
15/9/10
I saw Dr M the other day. he almost let me drop my dose, if I really wanted to but he wasn't happy for that and said there was too much chance of a relapse this early on. he also said the relapse would probably be worse too.
There was a massive crash on the bridge the other night with a car going over into the river - a 30yr old male died. It brought back massive memories of when i was going to drive off and drown. Its definitely another trigger!! And all the conversations people are having about it are slightly distressing. The talk of how horrible it would be to drown.....Then at bible study the talk about Christians and suicide, whether its a 'sin' or whatever and whether they would go to heaven or not brought on an anxiety attack. Thursdays give me anxiety attacks every week so it was no different.
I wanted to listen to 'Evanescence' the other day when i was feeling low but I knew it would make me worse so I only had them playing for 10min or so. Nothing like them, Korn, System of a Down, Linkin Park.....my old faves when I feel like shit!!
I started a blog too on my life as it relates to depression, suicide etc. I want people to read it and have it change theirs or someone Else's life in some sort of way. My story is sooooo not spesh!! Not is it unique but Im putting it out there on the internet hoping someone will stumble on it one day and be moved in any way, shape or form. Writing so much blog is what is causing the major anxiety attacks today I reckon. I haven't had them this bad for a long long long long time. They weren't too distressing but gee I feel like crap - as in fatigue and mentally dead!!
In my blog I did the beginning of my journal. Emotionally raw still hey. Had to stop a few times to catch my breath and stop myself from feeling like Im gunna have a heart attack.
Im aching to see R next Tuesday. I think after today Im in serious need of talking to her!!
20/9/10
There was something I was going to write in here and now I cannt think of it.
So until I remember Ill write gibbeldy goop!
Been going ok lately (Oh I remember now...hehe!!). Off to see R in the morning, finally!! Not sure what we will go through!
Friday night (this is what I had forgotten....she is gunna shoot me lol) was Trina's 30th! I sunk sooooooo many cowboys and bundy's and gee it felt soooooooooo good!!!!! Jenine and I were ripper drunks smashing that dance floor, stacking it and making fools of ourselves. Maja and I stitched Jo L up with a dbl turkey hehehehe.....had the asian eyes happening big time. We all had so much fun hey :) And as usual, I have the knack of drinking like Ive just come out of a desert and not have a hang over!!! I love my drinking style ;)
Wrote more blog tonight. Ive done up to day 10 so far. Haven't had anymore anxiety attacks which is great - although Friday I felt like I had one all day long.
Well, I wanna sleep, sorta! I wanna stay up all night doing uni and not pay for it...but thats uni with kids!
22/9/10
Ally is having her gall stones out today!! Hope she going ok!!
Had an awesome sesh with R yesturday. Going back beginning of November and talk about starting a mood diary so that in January I can go back to Dr M and so ' here look....I can do it'.
I feel fat hey!! Im sick of being 'fat' but I just cannt be stuffed doing anything about it. Its just another thing Ive gotta worry about. And I know exercise with depression is a good thing but I seriously wanna go curl up and not live!! In a way I care....seriously dont wanna be fat, but at the same time I dont care....im over it and dont need something else to piss me off!
Best go do some house work hey. All the washing is put away, just got another load to put out.
Uni lectures are calling too! Submitted research report the other night. Hope I do ok with it. I really want to do well, just gotta be careful I dont set unrealistic goals for myself.
Bridie is so cute hey! She's walking around with the dustpan and broom wiping things. Funny stuff :)
i wonder how many people are reading my blog hey. I left a stack out about how I was really pissed off with K, hope she doesn't read it either!!
Wonder if J or A have read anything and if they have, what do they think??? Do they still want to talk to me???? Wouldn't blame them if they never did....I have given them an absolute beating in these journals. J had 2 skin cancers removed lately. Hope it hasn't interfered with uni too much for her. She works so friggin' hard.
Anyway, its 9am - got stuff to do. Best get cracking.
Note to self: Steer clear of facebook today :/
8/10/10
Been writing lots on my blog lately. So many people are reading it hey and then telling me how wonderfully strong I am. Im not strong, god!!!! I just had patience for the meds to kick in (patience like a friggin' saint apparently hahahaha).
Every time one of the kids (and its mainly Jonty or Amy) say that they missed me, like if I go shopping or something, I feel soooooo relieved I didnt go through with the suicides. That would have really ruined them!! What was I thinking? I must have been pretty darn suicidal and depressed to convince myself that they would be ok.
I dont have much more to write tonight.
Im loving psych study too. Its so interesting.
Im getting rid of a LOT of my old piano music books too. Church is having a garage sale (fundraiser for the kids ward at hospital) and Im donating it ALL there....I still have lots in the 2 boxes in the cupboard which I should pull out too for them. I dont think Ill ever play again. Its been an entire year and I dont miss it one bit. The thought of selling the piano has crossed my mind but I will keep it for the kids, just in case they want to learn when they are older.
Nath and I have been good lately too but we clash in certain idea's on mental health, suicide, coping mechanisms etc. Im just wishing he understood what it feels like to go through it so that he isn't so, umm, i dunno...that he would realise that sometimes you just cannt 'man-up'. Same with others who tell me that you just have to tell yourself that you just have to cope with whats going on. But its not about 'not coping'. Why do people think that? Some try to tell me its cos I was trying to do too much and that really pisses me off. Its also got nothing to do with that, and with a mental health disorder!! Some people just have one way of thinking about stuff and dont change despite other information they are told.
Wow I reckon 1 or 2 more entries and this diary is finished! night night!! xoxox
The warmth of the sun
penetrates my skin
as I lay here.
The birds in the background
ring in my ears
as I lay here.
The peace within
my soul is refreshing,
knowing Im far from
where I was.
As I lay here I wonder,
I ponder and breath
knowing its meant to be.
The purpose of this
is my love of people.
The caring soul of this
girl wants to change someone.
I lay here, sun on my skin
Wind in my hair
and am blessed to have
made it this far.
Rolling into the night
down that red dirt road
Im leaving my troubles behind,
taking my millions of tears
that have fallen.
The despair has gone,
the fire in my eyes is back.
The lotus flower in my heart
has begun to blossom.
For the fire is flickering,
let the flame dance,
slow the fire down,
let it simmer,
may it burn forever and not go out.
My heart is warm
and my hope is alive
as I roll into the night down that
red dirt road.
14/10/10
Gee my anxiety's been high tonight. I know my heart isn't racing but it feels like it is. I feel kinda shaky, my head feels heavy and Im struggling to concentrate on uni which really sucks.
The urge to do it isn't there but I keep looking at my scars and wanting to add to them. Maybe of them are very faded and not there anymore....I WANT them visible.
I know if I let on to Nath and mum that they will say I shouldn't be doing uni, that Im doing too much. Amy is pulling her hair out again.
Ill come good. Worried about Ally. Im NOT going to feel guilty for her suicide, I cannt!!!! Its her choice, I understand her reasons :(
White and pale
you barely shine,
only I know you are there.
I like you,
reminding me of what you were
created for.
Small & round.
I see you there,
on the night
the history you give
what you were created for.
I want more,
to make you shine,
you feel the pain again.
It's so wrong
to think of you again,
to bring you
to life once more,
Im coping ok so far, knowing that 2 days ago was when Joh took me to casualty last year. Remember the nurse? He was sincere, I wish I knew his name.
So Im going to get through another day, its mentally hard even though I feel like Im not fighting anything. Dreamt last night I met up with Rach in a park in Sydney, found her in a toilet block. I was trying clothes on and she was on leave from rehab that was on 'disability street'. She looked heaps skinnier and younger, then there was like a voice coming from a loud speaker commenting on a 4wd going up the road on the tram tracks without being in 4wd. Weird dream. My dreams are all weird!!
I quiver at the thought of Charmaine Dragun (ch 10 News reader who suicided at the Gap) - even writing her name is hard and its starts off an anxiety attack. Same goes with Mark Priestley ('Dan' from All Saints). I think of their high profile life and how they went about life on screen with noone 'out there' knowing what was really going on. Mark was fairly open about his depression and I remember him being on Sunrise once speaking about it......but that didnt help did it??!! And Charmaine was on Efexor.....same as me!
I need to make an appointment to see R again, but its my last one for the year, I think.
I want someone to tell me everything about last year - I want to see me from an outsiders point of view - I want to read my notes from hospital. I want to know everything.
10/8/10
Ally was discharged the other week - last week I think. Her, Grant and the kids are coming to visit on Sunday!!! I sooooo cannt wait!!!!
15/8/10
Ally, Grant and the kids visited today. Was really good :) but slightly awkward talking hospital stuff with nath & Grant there. I really hope Ally starts believing in herself, she is afraid to come good I think.....strike, I know I am.
I feel ok, drained from uni, but I feel good mentally, I think. I still have moments of crapness but I try to ignore it, not that I should be ignoring it but I just dont give it much thought. But really, I dont have time.....I just get on with what I have to do. Its what has brought me down, ignoring my reality but I seriously have better things to do than think.
27/8/10
I spent last weekend with Ally. She was sooo suicidal on Friday night and so Saturday I got Mum to look after the kids and I went up to see her. Community health rang me from her place to see if I was coming up - she refused to go with them to hospital. So Saturday we just hung out at her place and I left a bit before Grant got home. I told him that I would come back up in the morning and take her to cas and Al was ready to be admitted again with that plan. So I got up there a bit before lunch, her bag was packed and off to Shellharbour hospital we went. She is sooooooo much like me when Im suicidal - I go from hyper and talkative, laughing and then all of a sudden - blank, nothing! And the stupid friggin' doctor who came to do her obs was sooooo rude!!!!!!! I reckon I was this close to being kicked out!! She was giving her a lecture on contraception and how silly it was of her to have 5 kids. I gave it to this woman, who the fuck does she think she is???? And how dare she treat a patient that way!!!! We eventually saw the psychiatrist - he was nice and explained things. Al hated him but I explained it to her in non-med language and what it meant. He told me that Grant, me and everyone else cannt jump everytime she says she is going to suicide - that the responsibilty IS partly hers and that if she does suicide then we should not feel guilty because we couldn't stop it. And just cos she is suicidal doesn't mean she gets admitted either, that she needs to stop relying on everyone to do things for her, to make her better and that she needs to start helping herself get better too.
So going through all this, my depression is under control. Nath was sooooo worried it would drag me down....and it still might. But I feel good. I reckon I could stop taking efexor hey but Im on such a high dose I would have to do it slowly.
Going through last weekend with Ally has made me stronger and so thankful that Im not where she is at now. I just read a bit of my journal entries from hospital - all that suicide stuff. It feels like it wasn't real. doesn't even feel like a bad dream. All the emotions are there and I understand it but it doesn't feel like reality.
I heard some beautiful piano music the other day - wish I could play it but at the same time Im so glad that I dont play anymore. Its like it belongs to my old life and that I cannt have it as part of my 'new life'. I wonder why? I almost feel glad that I dont play anymore and even thought about selling it, but I wont, maybe the kids will wanna learn.
I dont want to ever feel like I did this time last year. Im thankful I didnt suicide 'cos even though all the cliched talk about it is crap - its true. The past year has seriously been life changing - for good :) Gee Im sounding like someone who is 'all better'.
Anyway bed is calling with my hot water bottle :)
1/9/10
Felt like curling up in bed and not moving at all today. I wish i had that luxury sometimes - although i reckon I would never get up lol. I feel down-ish tonight but I dont want to sleep or talk about it. I dont want to do anything. Shut-the-house-up kind of day :(
2/9/10
I wanna come off efexor. I hate it.
4/9/10
Ive been so easily pissed off with the kids lately. Everything is taking my energy and Im feeling really down. I was really quiet at mums today. I just want to be a wombat!! Nath thins its a bad idea for me to come off efexor and think I should see a psychiatrist instead of Dr M. Im so tired hey. I want peace around me. Not just the kids to be less full-on but I dont want anyone around me. There is sooo much noise and happenings that I feel like I cannt keep up.
I need to see R.
15/9/10
I saw Dr M the other day. he almost let me drop my dose, if I really wanted to but he wasn't happy for that and said there was too much chance of a relapse this early on. he also said the relapse would probably be worse too.
There was a massive crash on the bridge the other night with a car going over into the river - a 30yr old male died. It brought back massive memories of when i was going to drive off and drown. Its definitely another trigger!! And all the conversations people are having about it are slightly distressing. The talk of how horrible it would be to drown.....Then at bible study the talk about Christians and suicide, whether its a 'sin' or whatever and whether they would go to heaven or not brought on an anxiety attack. Thursdays give me anxiety attacks every week so it was no different.
I wanted to listen to 'Evanescence' the other day when i was feeling low but I knew it would make me worse so I only had them playing for 10min or so. Nothing like them, Korn, System of a Down, Linkin Park.....my old faves when I feel like shit!!
I started a blog too on my life as it relates to depression, suicide etc. I want people to read it and have it change theirs or someone Else's life in some sort of way. My story is sooooo not spesh!! Not is it unique but Im putting it out there on the internet hoping someone will stumble on it one day and be moved in any way, shape or form. Writing so much blog is what is causing the major anxiety attacks today I reckon. I haven't had them this bad for a long long long long time. They weren't too distressing but gee I feel like crap - as in fatigue and mentally dead!!
In my blog I did the beginning of my journal. Emotionally raw still hey. Had to stop a few times to catch my breath and stop myself from feeling like Im gunna have a heart attack.
Im aching to see R next Tuesday. I think after today Im in serious need of talking to her!!
20/9/10
There was something I was going to write in here and now I cannt think of it.
So until I remember Ill write gibbeldy goop!
Been going ok lately (Oh I remember now...hehe!!). Off to see R in the morning, finally!! Not sure what we will go through!
Friday night (this is what I had forgotten....she is gunna shoot me lol) was Trina's 30th! I sunk sooooooo many cowboys and bundy's and gee it felt soooooooooo good!!!!! Jenine and I were ripper drunks smashing that dance floor, stacking it and making fools of ourselves. Maja and I stitched Jo L up with a dbl turkey hehehehe.....had the asian eyes happening big time. We all had so much fun hey :) And as usual, I have the knack of drinking like Ive just come out of a desert and not have a hang over!!! I love my drinking style ;)
Wrote more blog tonight. Ive done up to day 10 so far. Haven't had anymore anxiety attacks which is great - although Friday I felt like I had one all day long.
Well, I wanna sleep, sorta! I wanna stay up all night doing uni and not pay for it...but thats uni with kids!
22/9/10
Ally is having her gall stones out today!! Hope she going ok!!
Had an awesome sesh with R yesturday. Going back beginning of November and talk about starting a mood diary so that in January I can go back to Dr M and so ' here look....I can do it'.
I feel fat hey!! Im sick of being 'fat' but I just cannt be stuffed doing anything about it. Its just another thing Ive gotta worry about. And I know exercise with depression is a good thing but I seriously wanna go curl up and not live!! In a way I care....seriously dont wanna be fat, but at the same time I dont care....im over it and dont need something else to piss me off!
Best go do some house work hey. All the washing is put away, just got another load to put out.
Uni lectures are calling too! Submitted research report the other night. Hope I do ok with it. I really want to do well, just gotta be careful I dont set unrealistic goals for myself.
Bridie is so cute hey! She's walking around with the dustpan and broom wiping things. Funny stuff :)
i wonder how many people are reading my blog hey. I left a stack out about how I was really pissed off with K, hope she doesn't read it either!!
Wonder if J or A have read anything and if they have, what do they think??? Do they still want to talk to me???? Wouldn't blame them if they never did....I have given them an absolute beating in these journals. J had 2 skin cancers removed lately. Hope it hasn't interfered with uni too much for her. She works so friggin' hard.
Anyway, its 9am - got stuff to do. Best get cracking.
Note to self: Steer clear of facebook today :/
8/10/10
Been writing lots on my blog lately. So many people are reading it hey and then telling me how wonderfully strong I am. Im not strong, god!!!! I just had patience for the meds to kick in (patience like a friggin' saint apparently hahahaha).
Every time one of the kids (and its mainly Jonty or Amy) say that they missed me, like if I go shopping or something, I feel soooooo relieved I didnt go through with the suicides. That would have really ruined them!! What was I thinking? I must have been pretty darn suicidal and depressed to convince myself that they would be ok.
I dont have much more to write tonight.
Im loving psych study too. Its so interesting.
Im getting rid of a LOT of my old piano music books too. Church is having a garage sale (fundraiser for the kids ward at hospital) and Im donating it ALL there....I still have lots in the 2 boxes in the cupboard which I should pull out too for them. I dont think Ill ever play again. Its been an entire year and I dont miss it one bit. The thought of selling the piano has crossed my mind but I will keep it for the kids, just in case they want to learn when they are older.
Nath and I have been good lately too but we clash in certain idea's on mental health, suicide, coping mechanisms etc. Im just wishing he understood what it feels like to go through it so that he isn't so, umm, i dunno...that he would realise that sometimes you just cannt 'man-up'. Same with others who tell me that you just have to tell yourself that you just have to cope with whats going on. But its not about 'not coping'. Why do people think that? Some try to tell me its cos I was trying to do too much and that really pisses me off. Its also got nothing to do with that, and with a mental health disorder!! Some people just have one way of thinking about stuff and dont change despite other information they are told.
Wow I reckon 1 or 2 more entries and this diary is finished! night night!! xoxox
The warmth of the sun
penetrates my skin
as I lay here.
The birds in the background
ring in my ears
as I lay here.
The peace within
my soul is refreshing,
knowing Im far from
where I was.
As I lay here I wonder,
I ponder and breath
knowing its meant to be.
The purpose of this
is my love of people.
The caring soul of this
girl wants to change someone.
I lay here, sun on my skin
Wind in my hair
and am blessed to have
made it this far.
Rolling into the night
down that red dirt road
Im leaving my troubles behind,
taking my millions of tears
that have fallen.
The despair has gone,
the fire in my eyes is back.
The lotus flower in my heart
has begun to blossom.
For the fire is flickering,
let the flame dance,
slow the fire down,
let it simmer,
may it burn forever and not go out.
My heart is warm
and my hope is alive
as I roll into the night down that
red dirt road.
14/10/10
Gee my anxiety's been high tonight. I know my heart isn't racing but it feels like it is. I feel kinda shaky, my head feels heavy and Im struggling to concentrate on uni which really sucks.
The urge to do it isn't there but I keep looking at my scars and wanting to add to them. Maybe of them are very faded and not there anymore....I WANT them visible.
I know if I let on to Nath and mum that they will say I shouldn't be doing uni, that Im doing too much. Amy is pulling her hair out again.
Ill come good. Worried about Ally. Im NOT going to feel guilty for her suicide, I cannt!!!! Its her choice, I understand her reasons :(
White and pale
you barely shine,
only I know you are there.
I like you,
reminding me of what you were
created for.
Small & round.
I see you there,
on the night
the history you give
what you were created for.
I want more,
to make you shine,
you feel the pain again.
It's so wrong
to think of you again,
to bring you
to life once more,
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Systematic Desensitisation
So I have 3 knifes that I talk about:
THE knife - the one I was going to use to stab myself that Thursday night, its huge!!
the OTHER knife - is the next one down in size in the knife set, I hate this one....its just like THE knife, just not as big
and my normal knife - is the next one down again in the knife set. Its my size...not too big, not too small, my favorite!
Day 1
11/5/10
Had a session with R this morning and she asked if there was anything I'd like to talk about or go through. I said that I should start dealing with THE knife. So as we spoke about it I started having a huge anxiety attack, I got all jittery, heart was racing, my thoughts were racing, I started shaking my head like I was trying to get the image of it out of my head. I started hitting my chest and scratching my neck. I eventually calmed down a little and we then continued talking about it. We made a 'no length' plan.
So my homework for the week was to put the knife somewhere where I see it all the time. So I had Nath put it on the magnetic strip up near the stove. I felt ok while cooking dinner but I was busy and didnt have time to think about it even being there. Later when noone was around though I was really anxious.
Day 2
12/5/10
Felt ok with the knife being there this morning when I was making a cuppa and toast but I didnt look at it. Later in the morning I looked at it and was tempted to pick it up. I used the OTHER knife to chop veggies - anxiety attack big time!! Felt spewy for hours afterwards. What a stupid idea that was, I should have just stuck to my normal knife. Put when I cleaned up the kitchen I managed to put it in the dishwasher, then shook my hands to get the feeling of it off my hands. I reckon I was a little too confident today, oh well.
Day 3
13/5/10
(Bible study pissed me off this morning to the point of anxiety attack - it was on God being our guardian and whether we know he is with us during hard times. If I write everything down Ill end up having another anxiety attack.). I held THE knife up to the computer screen tonight pretending to show Borgy. Felt quite squeamish but soon got my mind off it. I just feel so tired and drained from today's efforts at surviving and fights / arguments with A in my head. I just wanna give it to him, or is it J?
Day 4
14/5/10
I only looked at the knife once and got the shivers today. I made a cuppa easily and even stood there while the kettle boiled. By the end of the night though when Nath was having a sleep before work and all the kids were in bed, I couldn't even make a cuppa by myself or even walk past it. Actually come to think of it, I rarely walk through the kitchen now, I go the 'long way round'.
Day 5
15/5/10
Nath suggested that I could use THE knife to cut up the lettuce. I couldn't even answer him, I just kept shaking my head and saying 'nope nope nope nope nope nope nope'. There is just no way that I could use it. I had 'The Fray' playing in the car today - reminds me of being in Mirrabook, driving over the bridge today did too, everything I saw, heard, thought, smelt reminded me of hospital. Why??? Sitting in the sun did, just being in the car did, in the sun....everything!! Crazy!!
Day 6
16/5/10
I feel like Im ready for the next step today. I really wish I could just use either one of the knives and have no worries. Oh, Ally had a baby boy the other day - Samuel! Hope she is ok. gee I worry about her!!
Day 9
19/5/10
Feeling good at the moment. I picked THE knife up and put it in the dishwasher 'cos Nath had used it - Nath loves using it!! As soon as I picked it up I got a massive pain in my chest - right where i would have put it through too :(
Day 10
20/5/10
I held THE knife with no problems for about 10-15 seconds until I focused on the top - felt that pain in my chest again, same spot too - straight over my heart. I had to put it down, even now I feel the pain in my chest just from thinking about it. I know the whole idea of systematic desensitisation is to stay in that anxious moment until I can calm myself down - so I should have focused on the tip, had the anxiety attack and then once I had calmed down, put it down and be finished with it.
Day 11
21/5/10
This week has been such a shitty depression week. I have felt so down, so unmotivated. I have given up on all care of myself and things. I had no issues with THE knife there today. Didnt look at it either, or touch it lol. To tell you the truth, Nath put the washing up away and put it back in the knife block.....Im not moving it, no way!!
Day 12
22/5/10
THE knife is in the knife block so I haven't thought of it today, not one single bit - until i went to get the normal knife out to cut up veggies....then it was a quick removal as I didnt even want to accidentally touch it. Maybe I should get it out of the knife block. Its been 10mths since A's status about the teenage suicides in Melbourne. I wish I could talk to them. Im afraid of ringing them, messaging them, emailing them....anything them!
Day 17
27/5/10
I used the OTHER knife to cut the veggies tonight with no problems. Felt good! Also didnt get a massive chest pain looking at THE knife the last 2 days either.
Day 21
31/5/10
THE knife and the OTHER knife are still above the stove and I dont notice them that much. I can walk through the kitchen during the day without too much drama, but usually Im that busy that I dont even think about them until I go to make dinner or a cuppa once everyone is asleep. I saw Karen in IMB today, her eldest Thomas is being bullied at school, severely bullied!! He has lost all motivation for anything. He has to have depression and when it was brought with with the deputy principal his first question was why was his school work getting worse?? And not about the actual bullying. He sounds more interested in school work than dealing with the bullying - which is pretty darn normal for that school, or any school! So much for a no tolerance for bullying! I really hope he is ok!!
Day 23
2/6/10
I haven't used the knives, haven't had any ideations either. Felt good :) Still avoiding a certain person - like at the eisteddfod today, I saw her and hid before she could see me. Dont really wanna go to bible study 2mrw either. Ive felt like there has been a real harsh attitude towards me lately, Trina has noticed it too. I want to avoid them all!!!!! But I want to go and let them know in a slight way that a 'friend' hurt me with a few things that were said towards me....Wonder if anyone will switch on?? I just feel like I dont fit in with them anymore.
Day 24
3/6/10
Well I went to bible study (I know!! Im a sucker for punishment hey!!) I just sat there....didnt say anything. I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling & Psychology. If I hook in Ill have it done by Christmas but seeing Im doing uni at the same time it will take a little longer, but I haven't up to 3yrs to complete it so Ill be fine. I know what my purpose is - teenagers with issues...will still do uni but this course will be good.
Day 31
10/6/10
The sound of the normal knife coming out of the block sent me into an anxiety attack today. Then talking about it to the girls made me all jittery! Shit!!!!!!
Day 34
13/6/10
Very anxious at Trina's this arvo, all those people around. Im in 'one of those moods' so dont piss me off!!
Day 35
14/6/10
Felt heaps shitty towards Nath again this morning. Dunno why, but I came good eventually. Walked across the bridge today - I was fine, didnt even think about it when we got to the section that I would drive off, although I did on the way home. But I was pretty busy with the kids - throwing sticks into the water.
Day whatever!
1/7/10
Well, Ive transferred to psychology. I went to enroll in my music and education units for the semester and once again got that 'what the hell am I thinking' thought. Im so sick of questioning my degree, so I thought bugger it!
Well, as you can tell, Ive kinda got over having to deal with THE and Other knives. To date (18/11/10) they are still on the magnetic strip above the stove. I can look at them but have only used the OTHER knife once or twice when my normal knife is in the wash. I have no need for THE knife....in reality, its soooo frigging big that its just a waste of a knife! I dont have any anxiety with them on the strip, actually its quite handy as there is no noise of them coming out against the wood of the knife block. Although, in saying that, the noise of them against metal / magnetic strip is a shocker!!
So Ill just keep on going with what I have in my journal.
7/8/10
Well today last year Joh took me up to casualty which means that last night 1yr ago I was going to stab myself with THE knife. What a year hey!! Im glad I didnt but I always wonder what if - what if I did go through with it - would I survive?? How would the kids and Nath be, my mum and dad, sister and brother, my grandparents, friends???? I feel ok knowing its been 1yr, actually I thought it was Monday but looked up the calendar for last year and it was today. I feel sleepy at the thought of it all and I dont want to let it get to me. I dont wanna get down cos I know I will plummet!! Life goes on!! Suck it up princess!!
Ally is out - she got discharged. They put her on efexor and seroquel, I intervened in her suicide plan! She wasn't swallowing her pills while she was in hospital and was storing them up so she could OD. Hope she is going ok at home. Im just about to go write her a letter.
I coped ok visiting her in Mirrabook. Everyone thought it would be a BAD idea for me to go up there and see her in person, especially in hospital but thats only cos they are all worried that it was going to drag me down into hell again. But it hasn't, Ive been so strong. her problem is not my problem in that regard. Yes she is my friend, yes Im her friend - and one of the only ones she has she can trust - but Im strong. Im bred tough mate :)
So talking to Colin about her stashing her pills was ok. I told her that as much as I understand her pain and agony, that I want it to stop for her, that I know suicide feels like the right thing to do that I am so far on the other side of it all and know that she is a fighter and a survivor (so far). She knew she shouldn't be storing them up but its something to focus on that might stop the pain. Plus, seriously, seroquel?? You need a damn good amount of it to have a successful suicidal OD.
The sun has set on another day
but today isn't just any day.
For a year ago my life
changed dramatically.
The dark clouds had swept
through my body,
and brought with it
the demons of hell.
The piercing that was to be,
the heavy chest that
was to bleed,
never occurred as destiny
had planned.
Predestination took me
to the wards.
The horizon is stronger
in light
the sun will rise
on another day
where I enter another
year of survival.
THE knife - the one I was going to use to stab myself that Thursday night, its huge!!
the OTHER knife - is the next one down in size in the knife set, I hate this one....its just like THE knife, just not as big
and my normal knife - is the next one down again in the knife set. Its my size...not too big, not too small, my favorite!
Day 1
11/5/10
Had a session with R this morning and she asked if there was anything I'd like to talk about or go through. I said that I should start dealing with THE knife. So as we spoke about it I started having a huge anxiety attack, I got all jittery, heart was racing, my thoughts were racing, I started shaking my head like I was trying to get the image of it out of my head. I started hitting my chest and scratching my neck. I eventually calmed down a little and we then continued talking about it. We made a 'no length' plan.
So my homework for the week was to put the knife somewhere where I see it all the time. So I had Nath put it on the magnetic strip up near the stove. I felt ok while cooking dinner but I was busy and didnt have time to think about it even being there. Later when noone was around though I was really anxious.
Day 2
12/5/10
Felt ok with the knife being there this morning when I was making a cuppa and toast but I didnt look at it. Later in the morning I looked at it and was tempted to pick it up. I used the OTHER knife to chop veggies - anxiety attack big time!! Felt spewy for hours afterwards. What a stupid idea that was, I should have just stuck to my normal knife. Put when I cleaned up the kitchen I managed to put it in the dishwasher, then shook my hands to get the feeling of it off my hands. I reckon I was a little too confident today, oh well.
Day 3
13/5/10
(Bible study pissed me off this morning to the point of anxiety attack - it was on God being our guardian and whether we know he is with us during hard times. If I write everything down Ill end up having another anxiety attack.). I held THE knife up to the computer screen tonight pretending to show Borgy. Felt quite squeamish but soon got my mind off it. I just feel so tired and drained from today's efforts at surviving and fights / arguments with A in my head. I just wanna give it to him, or is it J?
Day 4
14/5/10
I only looked at the knife once and got the shivers today. I made a cuppa easily and even stood there while the kettle boiled. By the end of the night though when Nath was having a sleep before work and all the kids were in bed, I couldn't even make a cuppa by myself or even walk past it. Actually come to think of it, I rarely walk through the kitchen now, I go the 'long way round'.
Day 5
15/5/10
Nath suggested that I could use THE knife to cut up the lettuce. I couldn't even answer him, I just kept shaking my head and saying 'nope nope nope nope nope nope nope'. There is just no way that I could use it. I had 'The Fray' playing in the car today - reminds me of being in Mirrabook, driving over the bridge today did too, everything I saw, heard, thought, smelt reminded me of hospital. Why??? Sitting in the sun did, just being in the car did, in the sun....everything!! Crazy!!
Day 6
16/5/10
I feel like Im ready for the next step today. I really wish I could just use either one of the knives and have no worries. Oh, Ally had a baby boy the other day - Samuel! Hope she is ok. gee I worry about her!!
Day 9
19/5/10
Feeling good at the moment. I picked THE knife up and put it in the dishwasher 'cos Nath had used it - Nath loves using it!! As soon as I picked it up I got a massive pain in my chest - right where i would have put it through too :(
Day 10
20/5/10
I held THE knife with no problems for about 10-15 seconds until I focused on the top - felt that pain in my chest again, same spot too - straight over my heart. I had to put it down, even now I feel the pain in my chest just from thinking about it. I know the whole idea of systematic desensitisation is to stay in that anxious moment until I can calm myself down - so I should have focused on the tip, had the anxiety attack and then once I had calmed down, put it down and be finished with it.
Day 11
21/5/10
This week has been such a shitty depression week. I have felt so down, so unmotivated. I have given up on all care of myself and things. I had no issues with THE knife there today. Didnt look at it either, or touch it lol. To tell you the truth, Nath put the washing up away and put it back in the knife block.....Im not moving it, no way!!
Day 12
22/5/10
THE knife is in the knife block so I haven't thought of it today, not one single bit - until i went to get the normal knife out to cut up veggies....then it was a quick removal as I didnt even want to accidentally touch it. Maybe I should get it out of the knife block. Its been 10mths since A's status about the teenage suicides in Melbourne. I wish I could talk to them. Im afraid of ringing them, messaging them, emailing them....anything them!
Day 17
27/5/10
I used the OTHER knife to cut the veggies tonight with no problems. Felt good! Also didnt get a massive chest pain looking at THE knife the last 2 days either.
Day 21
31/5/10
THE knife and the OTHER knife are still above the stove and I dont notice them that much. I can walk through the kitchen during the day without too much drama, but usually Im that busy that I dont even think about them until I go to make dinner or a cuppa once everyone is asleep. I saw Karen in IMB today, her eldest Thomas is being bullied at school, severely bullied!! He has lost all motivation for anything. He has to have depression and when it was brought with with the deputy principal his first question was why was his school work getting worse?? And not about the actual bullying. He sounds more interested in school work than dealing with the bullying - which is pretty darn normal for that school, or any school! So much for a no tolerance for bullying! I really hope he is ok!!
Day 23
2/6/10
I haven't used the knives, haven't had any ideations either. Felt good :) Still avoiding a certain person - like at the eisteddfod today, I saw her and hid before she could see me. Dont really wanna go to bible study 2mrw either. Ive felt like there has been a real harsh attitude towards me lately, Trina has noticed it too. I want to avoid them all!!!!! But I want to go and let them know in a slight way that a 'friend' hurt me with a few things that were said towards me....Wonder if anyone will switch on?? I just feel like I dont fit in with them anymore.
Day 24
3/6/10
Well I went to bible study (I know!! Im a sucker for punishment hey!!) I just sat there....didnt say anything. I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling & Psychology. If I hook in Ill have it done by Christmas but seeing Im doing uni at the same time it will take a little longer, but I haven't up to 3yrs to complete it so Ill be fine. I know what my purpose is - teenagers with issues...will still do uni but this course will be good.
Day 31
10/6/10
The sound of the normal knife coming out of the block sent me into an anxiety attack today. Then talking about it to the girls made me all jittery! Shit!!!!!!
Day 34
13/6/10
Very anxious at Trina's this arvo, all those people around. Im in 'one of those moods' so dont piss me off!!
Day 35
14/6/10
Felt heaps shitty towards Nath again this morning. Dunno why, but I came good eventually. Walked across the bridge today - I was fine, didnt even think about it when we got to the section that I would drive off, although I did on the way home. But I was pretty busy with the kids - throwing sticks into the water.
Day whatever!
1/7/10
Well, Ive transferred to psychology. I went to enroll in my music and education units for the semester and once again got that 'what the hell am I thinking' thought. Im so sick of questioning my degree, so I thought bugger it!
Well, as you can tell, Ive kinda got over having to deal with THE and Other knives. To date (18/11/10) they are still on the magnetic strip above the stove. I can look at them but have only used the OTHER knife once or twice when my normal knife is in the wash. I have no need for THE knife....in reality, its soooo frigging big that its just a waste of a knife! I dont have any anxiety with them on the strip, actually its quite handy as there is no noise of them coming out against the wood of the knife block. Although, in saying that, the noise of them against metal / magnetic strip is a shocker!!
So Ill just keep on going with what I have in my journal.
7/8/10
Well today last year Joh took me up to casualty which means that last night 1yr ago I was going to stab myself with THE knife. What a year hey!! Im glad I didnt but I always wonder what if - what if I did go through with it - would I survive?? How would the kids and Nath be, my mum and dad, sister and brother, my grandparents, friends???? I feel ok knowing its been 1yr, actually I thought it was Monday but looked up the calendar for last year and it was today. I feel sleepy at the thought of it all and I dont want to let it get to me. I dont wanna get down cos I know I will plummet!! Life goes on!! Suck it up princess!!
Ally is out - she got discharged. They put her on efexor and seroquel, I intervened in her suicide plan! She wasn't swallowing her pills while she was in hospital and was storing them up so she could OD. Hope she is going ok at home. Im just about to go write her a letter.
I coped ok visiting her in Mirrabook. Everyone thought it would be a BAD idea for me to go up there and see her in person, especially in hospital but thats only cos they are all worried that it was going to drag me down into hell again. But it hasn't, Ive been so strong. her problem is not my problem in that regard. Yes she is my friend, yes Im her friend - and one of the only ones she has she can trust - but Im strong. Im bred tough mate :)
So talking to Colin about her stashing her pills was ok. I told her that as much as I understand her pain and agony, that I want it to stop for her, that I know suicide feels like the right thing to do that I am so far on the other side of it all and know that she is a fighter and a survivor (so far). She knew she shouldn't be storing them up but its something to focus on that might stop the pain. Plus, seriously, seroquel?? You need a damn good amount of it to have a successful suicidal OD.
The sun has set on another day
but today isn't just any day.
For a year ago my life
changed dramatically.
The dark clouds had swept
through my body,
and brought with it
the demons of hell.
The piercing that was to be,
the heavy chest that
was to bleed,
never occurred as destiny
had planned.
Predestination took me
to the wards.
The horizon is stronger
in light
the sun will rise
on another day
where I enter another
year of survival.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
update
17/11/10 ......Ive doing a fair amount of this blog lately huh!! Its only because uni has finished for the year so Im now study free, to a point - still have my diploma to finish off over summer. I have filled out my form to get a copy of my patient files but its been hiding under my massive washing pile. Its been raining for weeks on end so I haven't got to the end of it. Plus, I never go to the post office....Ill get there, promise.
I cannt wait to read it, would love to see what they say about me!! I wonder if Dr....um what letter did I give him??.....Dr Z Im pretty sure, yeah him, I wonder if his notes are in there too???? Hope so!
Anyway, Im soooo sick of waking up feeling like crap!! Seriously!! It takes like 3hrs for me to come good, I wake up each morning convinced its Sunday but then moments later I figure it out, damn! Its hump day today :( I hate hump day!!
So the next lot of blogs I do are from when I start dealing with THE knife with R. Might be able to put it up in 1 post here maybe 2 or 3. I was running out of pages in my journal so what I wrote was very minimal so Ill ellaborate on what the original. the only shop I can get my journal from is up at Shellharbour - an hour away - and because I cannt deal with having an odd coloured journal (even though it would have the same pattern on it), I wait til Im up there to get a new one.....or remind Em to get for me.
So til then....hooroo!
I cannt wait to read it, would love to see what they say about me!! I wonder if Dr....um what letter did I give him??.....Dr Z Im pretty sure, yeah him, I wonder if his notes are in there too???? Hope so!
Anyway, Im soooo sick of waking up feeling like crap!! Seriously!! It takes like 3hrs for me to come good, I wake up each morning convinced its Sunday but then moments later I figure it out, damn! Its hump day today :( I hate hump day!!
So the next lot of blogs I do are from when I start dealing with THE knife with R. Might be able to put it up in 1 post here maybe 2 or 3. I was running out of pages in my journal so what I wrote was very minimal so Ill ellaborate on what the original. the only shop I can get my journal from is up at Shellharbour - an hour away - and because I cannt deal with having an odd coloured journal (even though it would have the same pattern on it), I wait til Im up there to get a new one.....or remind Em to get for me.
So til then....hooroo!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
13/4/10 - 10/5/10
13/4/10
Felt better the last couple of days other than feeling run down - have a cold and feel like sleep hasn't happened.
Been getting back into looking at recipes for dinner and cooking bikkies, slices etc. Spose that is another past of me that is getting better.
22/4/10
Been having lots of anxiety attacks - the ones where my heart feels like it does crazy things.
Head has been in good places. Read that I need to fight the 'quick sand' feeling of depression. I think I can but not sure just how much I want to.
29/4/10
Dreams have been giving me the shits!! They constantly revolve around me struggling to choose between Nath and the kids and something I really want to do. They are seriously getting me down. I know R said I need to find something for me that I use to do, like go horse riding regularly. She said Ill end up going backwards big time if I dont start to do something. And it needs to be more than just having a cuppa by myself or with friends. I need to find a hobby.
I feel so drained from these dreams, I always choose Nath and the kids and eventually Im happy with the choice but its an emotional warfare and I wake up emotionally drained. I would never choose something instead of them. Strike, I chose life over suicide in reality. These dreams are seriously killing me! They are really giving me the heebeegeebee's!!
30/4/10
I work my ass off for uni and I only just pass!! WTF?? 16.5/30 I got for that assignment on epics vs ballads. I work so friggin' hard and I only just pass!!!! Seriously feel like absolute crap now. I want to give up everything. And not just uni, give up trying on everything. Life seriously sucks ass!!
5/5/10
Went for a massive walk into town today. There would have been no way I could have done that yesturday! I was so unmotivated yesturday. No energy, nothing!! I was struggling to do the bare minimum. Even today I could easily have done nothing but Bridie needed entertaining so she enjoyed the trip into town in the pram. I could have slept this arvo though and I fell asleep on the lounge at 9pm.
Im still avoiding Sarah huh! She rang this morning and I wish I hadn't answered as soon as I heard her voice! I couldn't get off the phone quick enough. Haven't caught up with Joh for a while. Bible study is still uneasy and I dont talk about depression or anything. I just nod and agree, dont bother voicing my opinion anymore! Whats the point?? I get shot down!!
Anyway, Im stuffed. Nighty night. xoxox
10/5/10
Went to the christian Equip conference on saturday. Was good to get out, be kid free. But sheez, Sydney - who on earth would want to live in that hell hole, stuck up moles everywhere ya turn hey!! I need to remember to escape into Gods word instead of fairy tale quick fixes. I need to be able to let god have control of my life but that big part of me doesn't want to. Part of me still wants to be angry at God and still is very much so, not feel god in my life or anything. I saw this book about not going through depression alone, that God is with you but thats the LAST thing I felt like hearing or reading. It was good going but so much of me is still so angry and not wanting to give God any satisfaction!!
I noticed tonight that A isn't on fb anymore. Wonder why? Has J been in his ear again cos she's deleted her profile too??
Felt better the last couple of days other than feeling run down - have a cold and feel like sleep hasn't happened.
Been getting back into looking at recipes for dinner and cooking bikkies, slices etc. Spose that is another past of me that is getting better.
22/4/10
Been having lots of anxiety attacks - the ones where my heart feels like it does crazy things.
Head has been in good places. Read that I need to fight the 'quick sand' feeling of depression. I think I can but not sure just how much I want to.
29/4/10
Dreams have been giving me the shits!! They constantly revolve around me struggling to choose between Nath and the kids and something I really want to do. They are seriously getting me down. I know R said I need to find something for me that I use to do, like go horse riding regularly. She said Ill end up going backwards big time if I dont start to do something. And it needs to be more than just having a cuppa by myself or with friends. I need to find a hobby.
I feel so drained from these dreams, I always choose Nath and the kids and eventually Im happy with the choice but its an emotional warfare and I wake up emotionally drained. I would never choose something instead of them. Strike, I chose life over suicide in reality. These dreams are seriously killing me! They are really giving me the heebeegeebee's!!
30/4/10
I work my ass off for uni and I only just pass!! WTF?? 16.5/30 I got for that assignment on epics vs ballads. I work so friggin' hard and I only just pass!!!! Seriously feel like absolute crap now. I want to give up everything. And not just uni, give up trying on everything. Life seriously sucks ass!!
5/5/10
Went for a massive walk into town today. There would have been no way I could have done that yesturday! I was so unmotivated yesturday. No energy, nothing!! I was struggling to do the bare minimum. Even today I could easily have done nothing but Bridie needed entertaining so she enjoyed the trip into town in the pram. I could have slept this arvo though and I fell asleep on the lounge at 9pm.
Im still avoiding Sarah huh! She rang this morning and I wish I hadn't answered as soon as I heard her voice! I couldn't get off the phone quick enough. Haven't caught up with Joh for a while. Bible study is still uneasy and I dont talk about depression or anything. I just nod and agree, dont bother voicing my opinion anymore! Whats the point?? I get shot down!!
Anyway, Im stuffed. Nighty night. xoxox
10/5/10
Went to the christian Equip conference on saturday. Was good to get out, be kid free. But sheez, Sydney - who on earth would want to live in that hell hole, stuck up moles everywhere ya turn hey!! I need to remember to escape into Gods word instead of fairy tale quick fixes. I need to be able to let god have control of my life but that big part of me doesn't want to. Part of me still wants to be angry at God and still is very much so, not feel god in my life or anything. I saw this book about not going through depression alone, that God is with you but thats the LAST thing I felt like hearing or reading. It was good going but so much of me is still so angry and not wanting to give God any satisfaction!!
I noticed tonight that A isn't on fb anymore. Wonder why? Has J been in his ear again cos she's deleted her profile too??
Monday, November 15, 2010
30/1/10 - 9/4/10
30/1/10
Watched 'My Sisters Keeper' tonight. Didnt cry, again! But what ticks me off now is that its acceptable for people to die from cancer etc but not from depression. Sure, people with cancer try to treat it but if they die then people can understand it, its a reason why but depression isn't like that. Why does death have to affect everyone that is left behind? Why do I have kids? Why cannt I have no family or friends? Why do I have people here that care? Or need me? Why??
5/2/10
Seroquel has been changed to a slow release which I loooove!! It takes about 4hrs to kick in and it kicks in slowly and I wake up less train - wrecked the next day! I still feel sedated but I can still function, not like the normal one where its spot on 60min after taking it that I hit a wall and collapse in a sedated heap. Remember the day Zeke came up and I passed out on the lounge?? Nath said to not worry about me....Ill come good in 8hrs. What a crack up!!
Psychiatrist said efexor has done a lot but not everything as I still have suicidal thoughts but they are intrusive now and not intentional like they were before.
I wanna know where I stand with BPD. How bad do I have it? How do I have it - is it my view on relationships? Is it my perception on things? Is it the compulsive thoughts? How do I distinguish between BPD, depression and PTSD??
8/3/10
Well, I started uni again which feels good. I sat and managed to play Rachmaninoff (well, most of it anyway) so the next day I enrolled. I haven't felt like I need to pull out, so that is a good sign. I haven't played the piano since hospital those few times and before that was October 08.
Psychiatrist has said I have OCD as well, not badly that it affects my life every day, but its definitely there and probably exacerbated by the depression (which she said I still have severely)
And Ive got dreads!!! Yay!! And the AC/DC concert rocked!!!!!
I went to bible study last week and it was on the holy spirit. I could have really given to them hey! They have no idea what its like to be suicidal and not feel 'His presence' like you are possessed by satan or something. I had THE biggest anxiety attack all day. I was nervous with going and then all the wishy washy chitchat shit. i couldn't shake it afterwards. Friday and Saturday were shockers and I still feel like shit and anxious!! How the fuck does an anxiety attack last for 3 days without rest??? So Ive emailed Joh and told her just how hard it was and that I dont think Ill go again, not for a long time anyway. I cannt do that to myself every week just because someone thinks I should go! Just for appearance sake!! Until I can sort it out myself in my head I cannt listen to all the talk like 'oh all we have to do is read the bible and pray and everything will be ok' - what a load of fucking bullshit!!
Bridie and Jonty both have had their birthdays. I still cannt believe that I was going to top myself and not be here for them. I cannt understand it! Even though its me!! How selfish was I going to be huh!! I had talked myself into believing that they would be ok, but they wouldn't be would they?? I talk to Borgy most nights on fb - his mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was little. it almost ruined his life, made his childhood extremely difficult. And I know its different circumstances but hearing how he talks not having his mother around really makes me wanna kill myself for being such a selfish little shit!! go figure!! I hate myself for it, HATE MYSELF!!!!! I couldn't do that to my kids!! My kids are everything to me, they are what is keeping my alive and have kept me alive. All those times where suicide was only seconds away, it was THEM I was thinking of...they are what got me through!!!! I must have been in a very dark deep and horrid depression stage to think what I had! I had told myself enough that they would be ok, I imagined their birthdays, school events, weddings, their babies and all along I KNEW they were going to be ok, eventually. I look back and think that for whatever reason Bridie was in the car that day, she saved my life! If I had not looked in the rear vision mirror to see if a car was coming up the side of me, if I had not seen her smiling back at me, then i would have gone over the bridge and suicided!! That night on fb talking to Joh and A and then on the phone to A, for whatever reason he was online that night instead of sleeping on his night off, he saved my life too. And joh taking me to casualty the next day and then Maja taking me to Comm Health and then casualty as well. I look back and wish nath and I had a better relationship that he understood me and that I could talk to him, but its made our relationship sooooo much better!! But then, how can I wish that with Nath when I didnt even 'go there' with myself??
28/3/10
7/4/10
Been camping the past week around the snowies. It was good but wasn't the greatest. I had to stretch efexor to last the week cos I forgot to fill my script! I feel really tired though - I dream of sleeping, thats how tired I am! I dream of dreaming....
I think its cos Im so tired that I feel so anxious, could also be that my body is withdrawing from efexor. Should be taking seroquel too but its been atleast a week, I cannt go that long without it....the only reason why I haven't been taking it is cos we've been camping and camping means rum and rum means lotsa rum at night once the kids are in bed. Ive even had thoughts of scratching my arm tonight with the tweezers. I just want to do ANYTHING that will hurt me!! I dont know why, I just want to and Im pissed off cos I cannt. If I do that means lectures off Nath and Mum and Em....seriously cannt handle another lecture off them. If I do it then dont tell me...I know I shouldn't but I just dont care!!
9/4/10
Im sooo over fighting my weight. Ive worked my butt off knowing that my meds will make me put it on and crave carbs and Ive got nowhere!! So since Ive stopped doing so much exercise Ive put on 2.5kg. I want to lose weight but Im so over fighting it and not getting anywhere. Ive been fighting so hard and Im just losing an impossible battle.
I feel so frustrated and upset. I hate my body. I dont want to be far but Ive no fight left in me!
10/4/10
Haven't taken too much efexor lately. Mostly every 2nd day. Ive been thinking lately of taking lots of ventolin to ease my anxiety. I know its bad for me...yada yada yada...but i dont care in a way. I keep trying to tell nath Im ok and in a way I am - I think mostly its the whole weight issues that is bugging me. He keeps telling me not to worry about it but I am! he would rather me fat and happy then skinny and unwell.
Am I suicidal? Im always suicidal. Is there intent? No, no planning anyway. The thoughts are intrusive but in a way I do want them there, I dunno, I dont get it. Maybe its cos I like thinking it. I feel safe with those thoughts. I feel 'normal'. Its almost like its a fantasy, dreaming it up but knowing its not real. Kinda like a day dream, just never get the chance to think deeply about it, except tonight. Im tired as hey! And Im thinking heaps about just crap that I think of but part of my brain has gone into protective mode and not letting me fully process things. I just wanna get it out of my system - stupid brain!!
And why is it that Ive always felt a connection to people who have suicided or had such bad depression?? Like that guy from church, Mark Priestly ('Dan' from All Saints tv show) and Charmaine Dragun. She was on efexor too at the time of her suicide. Ive ALWAYS felt close in a way to people who suffer severe depression and loooooove reading over and over and over and over again the stories of peoples suicides.
Well. turning lights off now. Fingers crossed I sleep. Must be due for a seroquel one of these nights when i remember to take it. Thats the only problem with the slow release - i cannt take it this late at night, otherwise ill still be smashed at lunchtime tomorrow!! Might suck a normal one down...might not....just og to bed and cross my fingers hey!!
Watched 'My Sisters Keeper' tonight. Didnt cry, again! But what ticks me off now is that its acceptable for people to die from cancer etc but not from depression. Sure, people with cancer try to treat it but if they die then people can understand it, its a reason why but depression isn't like that. Why does death have to affect everyone that is left behind? Why do I have kids? Why cannt I have no family or friends? Why do I have people here that care? Or need me? Why??
5/2/10
Seroquel has been changed to a slow release which I loooove!! It takes about 4hrs to kick in and it kicks in slowly and I wake up less train - wrecked the next day! I still feel sedated but I can still function, not like the normal one where its spot on 60min after taking it that I hit a wall and collapse in a sedated heap. Remember the day Zeke came up and I passed out on the lounge?? Nath said to not worry about me....Ill come good in 8hrs. What a crack up!!
Psychiatrist said efexor has done a lot but not everything as I still have suicidal thoughts but they are intrusive now and not intentional like they were before.
I wanna know where I stand with BPD. How bad do I have it? How do I have it - is it my view on relationships? Is it my perception on things? Is it the compulsive thoughts? How do I distinguish between BPD, depression and PTSD??
8/3/10
Well, I started uni again which feels good. I sat and managed to play Rachmaninoff (well, most of it anyway) so the next day I enrolled. I haven't felt like I need to pull out, so that is a good sign. I haven't played the piano since hospital those few times and before that was October 08.
Psychiatrist has said I have OCD as well, not badly that it affects my life every day, but its definitely there and probably exacerbated by the depression (which she said I still have severely)
And Ive got dreads!!! Yay!! And the AC/DC concert rocked!!!!!
I went to bible study last week and it was on the holy spirit. I could have really given to them hey! They have no idea what its like to be suicidal and not feel 'His presence' like you are possessed by satan or something. I had THE biggest anxiety attack all day. I was nervous with going and then all the wishy washy chitchat shit. i couldn't shake it afterwards. Friday and Saturday were shockers and I still feel like shit and anxious!! How the fuck does an anxiety attack last for 3 days without rest??? So Ive emailed Joh and told her just how hard it was and that I dont think Ill go again, not for a long time anyway. I cannt do that to myself every week just because someone thinks I should go! Just for appearance sake!! Until I can sort it out myself in my head I cannt listen to all the talk like 'oh all we have to do is read the bible and pray and everything will be ok' - what a load of fucking bullshit!!
Bridie and Jonty both have had their birthdays. I still cannt believe that I was going to top myself and not be here for them. I cannt understand it! Even though its me!! How selfish was I going to be huh!! I had talked myself into believing that they would be ok, but they wouldn't be would they?? I talk to Borgy most nights on fb - his mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was little. it almost ruined his life, made his childhood extremely difficult. And I know its different circumstances but hearing how he talks not having his mother around really makes me wanna kill myself for being such a selfish little shit!! go figure!! I hate myself for it, HATE MYSELF!!!!! I couldn't do that to my kids!! My kids are everything to me, they are what is keeping my alive and have kept me alive. All those times where suicide was only seconds away, it was THEM I was thinking of...they are what got me through!!!! I must have been in a very dark deep and horrid depression stage to think what I had! I had told myself enough that they would be ok, I imagined their birthdays, school events, weddings, their babies and all along I KNEW they were going to be ok, eventually. I look back and think that for whatever reason Bridie was in the car that day, she saved my life! If I had not looked in the rear vision mirror to see if a car was coming up the side of me, if I had not seen her smiling back at me, then i would have gone over the bridge and suicided!! That night on fb talking to Joh and A and then on the phone to A, for whatever reason he was online that night instead of sleeping on his night off, he saved my life too. And joh taking me to casualty the next day and then Maja taking me to Comm Health and then casualty as well. I look back and wish nath and I had a better relationship that he understood me and that I could talk to him, but its made our relationship sooooo much better!! But then, how can I wish that with Nath when I didnt even 'go there' with myself??
28/3/10
Been having all these dreams of wanting to buy grog but getting really angry because I have to keep the money for bills or to pay for Kasey's swimming lessons. R said its me wanting to do stuff for me but have to deal with sensibilities and the constant fight I have within myself. So over the next few weeks (cos now I see her every 3 weeks instead of weekly or fortnightly!!!) I have to make some time for stuff that gives me that feeling of 'freedom' - a slice of time of independence, a little bit more 'Laura time'.
On a day to day basis I feel pretty good lately. the anxiety has dropped a bit and I can cope heaps better than 3mths ago. I wonder if uni has anything to do with it?? Im so busy with that I have no time to think, to sit and analyse, to contemplate.
Ive been doing lots of talking with R on friendships and especially about Sarah**. She made me realise that the way Sarah responds to me is the same way she responds to pretty much everyone else. So my project 3wks ago was to go to bible study and just observe how everyone interacted with each other - not judge them, just observe. Shit it was fun!! If you just sit back and watch how people react to different stimuli its hilariously great viewing!!
The week before I had gone to bible study and Sarah had said a few comments that really pissed me off. And I know Im not smart in all this stuff but I know when something is wrong theologically! Then trying to explain that when you are about to commit suicide that the 'spirit' of god is not in you because you really feel like you are possessed by some evil dark force. I know it sounds all wishy shit from a far off land but its seriously true. Your being is taken over by something dark and possessive, something not right! It felt like they all ganged up on me and were trying to tell me that I was wrong - fuck the lotta ya's hey! How dare they! How would they know what its like to be in that position?? How would they know unless they have been there before??? I vowed to NOT return! But R convinced me otherwise, that I should catch up with them and observe, so I did.
Maja and I were talking about it the next week so the next day at bible study (yes, this stupid low life returned!) we gave real sly hints to Sarah (and to the others) that she doesn't understand depression and life with addictions and issues. People with no life experience should NOT tell others what they should or should not be thinking and feeling about things.
I could quite easily not talk to her ever ever ever again. I could quite easily not see her again, but why do I?? Maybe 'cos I dont have to heart to treat a 'friend' like that.
Been wondering too lately what J and A have been up to. Do they still talk about me like they said they did 8mths ago?? Do they still think we have that connectedness A said we had because of his hand in helping me and me talking ot him??? I think about them DAILY! What they are up to, where J would be up to with uni work, what the kids are doing today - is it tennis day, not cricket now I guess, or little missy's piano lessons???
I still think about hospital too - daily! I look at the clock and remember what I would have been doing back then. And even though I remember it daily, it feels like a distant memory. Like a dream that never happened in reality, it feels fake, a nightmare etc.
I question myself about just how bad I was, how deep I got into depression. Was I really THAT suicidal? And I feel like I dont undersand how hard it was to keep living each day when I read back through my journals. I can remember where I was when I wrote stuff too, what song I was listening to, the clothes I was wearing, the weather, whether it was the day i was going to kick the living shit out of that guy that pissed me off.
Have re-visited stuff about Stephen too with R. It was a very indepth sesh, lots of memories brought up, lots of anger. It was good, I realised that since I was about 10 or so yrs old ive used a substance to control my moods, from ventolin, then nothing (yr 11 & 12 - 1998/9) where I was VERY suicidal and depressed, then alcohol for a few yrs (oh how blissful that was, god I miss it!!) then while prega's and breastfeeding Ive been depressed or just coping in a majorly fake way. And everytime I haven't been prega's Ive drunk like crazy for a couple of weeks / months and then...wammo....prega's again so back to the straight and narrow I go!!
My dreads are going ok, starting to look like proper dreads, finally.
Uni has stressed me out this week, trying to get the animation assignment to work properly, but Ive stayed strong and not let it ruin me or bring me down. Ive looked at my arm and had the passing though of cutting but its more like a memory of what it feels like to do it. I go through the motion of cutting, imagine every little bit of movement the scissors would do. And its good in a way - could do through with it physically, but Im not....thee is no action. Nice! (So they say!)
Went to 'boat harbour' up at Em's today - I kinda felt weird being there and it wasn't until I got outta the car that I realised why it felt weird. We went there the day before I got admitted. i knew I had been there before, just couldn't remember when !! I got the biggest flash backs, the suicidal feeling racing through my body again and then I got flashbacks of being at the boast harbour in shellharbour that I would visit with the kids if I had some sort of leave. The whole time down there today I felt like I was clouded with a black fog. I didnt want to swim, I wanted to go hide. But I didnt give the feelings much time or thought - just got on with what I had to do with the kids, just kept on looking after them, making sure they were safe, having fun etc....all that sorta mum stuff :)
** name change.
7/4/10
Been camping the past week around the snowies. It was good but wasn't the greatest. I had to stretch efexor to last the week cos I forgot to fill my script! I feel really tired though - I dream of sleeping, thats how tired I am! I dream of dreaming....
I think its cos Im so tired that I feel so anxious, could also be that my body is withdrawing from efexor. Should be taking seroquel too but its been atleast a week, I cannt go that long without it....the only reason why I haven't been taking it is cos we've been camping and camping means rum and rum means lotsa rum at night once the kids are in bed. Ive even had thoughts of scratching my arm tonight with the tweezers. I just want to do ANYTHING that will hurt me!! I dont know why, I just want to and Im pissed off cos I cannt. If I do that means lectures off Nath and Mum and Em....seriously cannt handle another lecture off them. If I do it then dont tell me...I know I shouldn't but I just dont care!!
9/4/10
Im sooo over fighting my weight. Ive worked my butt off knowing that my meds will make me put it on and crave carbs and Ive got nowhere!! So since Ive stopped doing so much exercise Ive put on 2.5kg. I want to lose weight but Im so over fighting it and not getting anywhere. Ive been fighting so hard and Im just losing an impossible battle.
I feel so frustrated and upset. I hate my body. I dont want to be far but Ive no fight left in me!
10/4/10
Haven't taken too much efexor lately. Mostly every 2nd day. Ive been thinking lately of taking lots of ventolin to ease my anxiety. I know its bad for me...yada yada yada...but i dont care in a way. I keep trying to tell nath Im ok and in a way I am - I think mostly its the whole weight issues that is bugging me. He keeps telling me not to worry about it but I am! he would rather me fat and happy then skinny and unwell.
Am I suicidal? Im always suicidal. Is there intent? No, no planning anyway. The thoughts are intrusive but in a way I do want them there, I dunno, I dont get it. Maybe its cos I like thinking it. I feel safe with those thoughts. I feel 'normal'. Its almost like its a fantasy, dreaming it up but knowing its not real. Kinda like a day dream, just never get the chance to think deeply about it, except tonight. Im tired as hey! And Im thinking heaps about just crap that I think of but part of my brain has gone into protective mode and not letting me fully process things. I just wanna get it out of my system - stupid brain!!
And why is it that Ive always felt a connection to people who have suicided or had such bad depression?? Like that guy from church, Mark Priestly ('Dan' from All Saints tv show) and Charmaine Dragun. She was on efexor too at the time of her suicide. Ive ALWAYS felt close in a way to people who suffer severe depression and loooooove reading over and over and over and over again the stories of peoples suicides.
Well. turning lights off now. Fingers crossed I sleep. Must be due for a seroquel one of these nights when i remember to take it. Thats the only problem with the slow release - i cannt take it this late at night, otherwise ill still be smashed at lunchtime tomorrow!! Might suck a normal one down...might not....just og to bed and cross my fingers hey!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
21 - 23 /1/10
21/1/10
Survived camping - wasn't too bad, so all those sessions with R were either for nothing or helped me calm my nerves. I had a few panicky moments but got through them as usual. Drank heaps the first few days. I hid at our camp site a fair bit. Only came out when i felt like it, although i would venture down to Joh's more than the others. Heaven forbid I actually go camping be miraculously 'cured'!!
Reading a book on BPD - I know Im searching for me, wanting dreads, getting a tatt, not knowing who I am etc. I want to know who I am. And the last few weeks of minimal eating and stack of exercise then for a while camping - eating like a pig - the excessive compulsions contribute to my discontinuity of my identity.
But what about the cutting I use to do? It wasn't remove tension like they say it is, although I guess it does - just that wasn't my motivation - it was to hurt myself and now all I want to do is hurt myself even more, I identify with myself by my scars on my arms.
22/1/10
Tonight while on facebook I saw J update her status - they are back from holidays - at bermagui! they didnt even let me know they were going there - its only a few hrs down the road from here! I woulda gone down for a day trip and met them somewhere, its not that far away - us country people are use to travelling long distances to get anywhere!! When I saw her status I had such a huge anxiety attack. Fair enough they may not have had the time but they could have atleast let me know they were going there...I feel so betrayed!! I feel like if they really did wanna catch up then they would have told me and maybe thought about catching up but there was nothing! NOTHING!! I replied to her and said that bermi isn't that far away from here. She said they were there for only 4 days! It hurts....really hurts!! Like really really fucking hurts!! All that talk about wanting to catch up etc is a load of bull shit!! Fuck off!! If I was that close to them then I would have told them I was close by. far out!! So I now understand why A responded the way he did when I got Noreen in hospital to ring him and talk to him about my day. He said he couldn't understand why I would ring him at all - wasn't questioning why Noreen was talking to him and not me....but WHY I would get in contact on the phone with him in the first place! Go firgure!! Messages etc were fine but a phone call to talk wasn't right??? Sure fire way of telling me to fuck off hey. He did something someone would do if they knew someone was suicidal but then he wanted to leave it there - nothing else!! and when he said we were friends for life was just all bull shit to make me feel good and special. It did make me feel that so it worked, but to then back off and not follow it through??!! And then to say 'we're busy, we have a lot on' is just the polite way of saying 'we're done with you please leave us alone'. Well fuck you both to hell!! I want to delete them from my life! Like I never knew them. Ive told them how much its hurts me but they dont care at all!! I meant all my words to them and would never treat anyone like they ended up treating me. How dare they screw me up like this!! They abandoned our friendship - thats what hurts the most. I thought sooooo highly of them, and I still do, they are the most unbelievable people I know but as friends....well, thats just wrong! Yeah we all get busy, fuck, we dont have to be a doctor and a mother of 3 studying full time to be busy!! And we all have our difficulties but sheez man, get over ya selves!! And if you take all my problems on board then how are you going to cope with clients telling you their problems all the time.....you had only met me once for goodness sake, its not as if Im a long life friend.
I was getting use to the idea of being abandoned until tonight......thanks! Funny how it only takes 1 sentence to bring someone crashing back down again. Now back to R to start all that therapy about them all over again!!
Secrets were told
in the depths of depression.
You were there when
I needed support
but when the time
came you pulled out,
without guilt or despair
of what your words
did to my already
sunken being.
So stay there in your
saddle, hope the
view is good.
Your so high you cannt
see the shattered heart
you left behind.
The friendship that was
is a friendship no more
to the shattered and failed
one left behind.
I still wonder how far Ive come from being discharged. I can cope because I have to cope. I breath because I have breath. Should I be taking something like seroquel to numb me out right now?? I reckon i should hey - to help stop the feeling that I some times get but I cannt, I wish that I could - Do I need to be admitted again?? No!! But I want to be normal, actually, I feel normal because this is normal for me!!
I dont deserve to feel any other way, for if I did then I wouldn't feel like this. i feel abandoned but the 2 people that I cherish the most. Friends are people who you invert in, not pull out of because it just gets too hard or it hits a little too close to home. Do they do this to their other friends who live close by?? I wonder!! Do they just not get it?? here I am going on and on and on about them again. they take up my entire journal!! I wanna go inside and delete her off my fb friends list and give her one last piece of my mind and just say 'fuck you'. Oh heaven forbid the doctors wife does something wrong! Oh no! cannt have that can we!!
If life is just sooo busy that you cannt make time for your friends then maybe you should look at yourself deep down and reassess things. Either that, or you were never a friend in the first place.
(Im not going to write anymore on this for it goes for another 2 pages and its causing huge anxiety for me as its just all too real still and feelings haven't changed all that much, but you get the idea of how pissed I was / am!! But I will write the last paragraph....)
Fuck you to hell, actually, no! Dont go to hell, I live there and I dont want you there every day to make me feel so incomplete!! So stay on your high horse princess and continue your lavish life! While I struggle with this they probably dont even give it a second thought - for him Im probably 'just another patient' and he has forgotten about me who he now doesn't have to deal with.
No stars no moon
only the street light
and the sounds of a
summers night
here on the concrete of
this haven called home.
Cars in the distance,
a purpose in their journey
but for some its a
mindless drive.
Not knowing where to go.
Some dance the night away.
Some let the night go
all on its own.
Rhythmic pulses
back and forth
yep, life itself is just that.
Theres no feeling for
some who have plenty
to live for
while the heart beats in
time with the clock.
Not a sound in the space
that has now been vacated.
I wish I never replied back to A's status back in July. I wish I didnt have though feeling re-emerge to remind me of just how satanic I use to feel back at Bomo high. Noone wanted to help me back them and now when someone does help, they dont continue the help through to the end. I could have continued life without the pain, the numbness, the ignorance to my being. Life was fine and now it has been shattered.
I still have my beautiful family and thats all I need but i also need to be respected by friends.
Why am i so hung up on them?????? Why cannt I just forget them???? I want to but theres that uncertainty - I want them to start caring! To say sorry for the pain they made me feel that day when J said no more - that would be a start!!
Here I am
living in a prison
but the prison is kind.
the prison is my life line,
It contains my creations,
mu love and my will to go on.
But the walls are too high
to get to the exercise yard.
To stretch my being
to find who I am,
to relieve myself of
the torture within.
It is invisible like
snow under an avalanches
destruction.
I love my prison
but want to escape from
my barricaded cell.
There's no need to keep writing tonight....
23/1/10
I was interrupted by Jonty last night - probably a good thing though...i could have kept on whinging! Checked fb before going to bed. A messaged me, told me they were home from holidays. He didnt realise I had been diagnosed with BPD as well as the depression and told me that he had NOT abandoned me - that he was still there.
I went to bed feeling relieved and calm. I'd told him that I had given my journal an absolute thrashing.
Survived camping - wasn't too bad, so all those sessions with R were either for nothing or helped me calm my nerves. I had a few panicky moments but got through them as usual. Drank heaps the first few days. I hid at our camp site a fair bit. Only came out when i felt like it, although i would venture down to Joh's more than the others. Heaven forbid I actually go camping be miraculously 'cured'!!
Reading a book on BPD - I know Im searching for me, wanting dreads, getting a tatt, not knowing who I am etc. I want to know who I am. And the last few weeks of minimal eating and stack of exercise then for a while camping - eating like a pig - the excessive compulsions contribute to my discontinuity of my identity.
But what about the cutting I use to do? It wasn't remove tension like they say it is, although I guess it does - just that wasn't my motivation - it was to hurt myself and now all I want to do is hurt myself even more, I identify with myself by my scars on my arms.
22/1/10
Tonight while on facebook I saw J update her status - they are back from holidays - at bermagui! they didnt even let me know they were going there - its only a few hrs down the road from here! I woulda gone down for a day trip and met them somewhere, its not that far away - us country people are use to travelling long distances to get anywhere!! When I saw her status I had such a huge anxiety attack. Fair enough they may not have had the time but they could have atleast let me know they were going there...I feel so betrayed!! I feel like if they really did wanna catch up then they would have told me and maybe thought about catching up but there was nothing! NOTHING!! I replied to her and said that bermi isn't that far away from here. She said they were there for only 4 days! It hurts....really hurts!! Like really really fucking hurts!! All that talk about wanting to catch up etc is a load of bull shit!! Fuck off!! If I was that close to them then I would have told them I was close by. far out!! So I now understand why A responded the way he did when I got Noreen in hospital to ring him and talk to him about my day. He said he couldn't understand why I would ring him at all - wasn't questioning why Noreen was talking to him and not me....but WHY I would get in contact on the phone with him in the first place! Go firgure!! Messages etc were fine but a phone call to talk wasn't right??? Sure fire way of telling me to fuck off hey. He did something someone would do if they knew someone was suicidal but then he wanted to leave it there - nothing else!! and when he said we were friends for life was just all bull shit to make me feel good and special. It did make me feel that so it worked, but to then back off and not follow it through??!! And then to say 'we're busy, we have a lot on' is just the polite way of saying 'we're done with you please leave us alone'. Well fuck you both to hell!! I want to delete them from my life! Like I never knew them. Ive told them how much its hurts me but they dont care at all!! I meant all my words to them and would never treat anyone like they ended up treating me. How dare they screw me up like this!! They abandoned our friendship - thats what hurts the most. I thought sooooo highly of them, and I still do, they are the most unbelievable people I know but as friends....well, thats just wrong! Yeah we all get busy, fuck, we dont have to be a doctor and a mother of 3 studying full time to be busy!! And we all have our difficulties but sheez man, get over ya selves!! And if you take all my problems on board then how are you going to cope with clients telling you their problems all the time.....you had only met me once for goodness sake, its not as if Im a long life friend.
I was getting use to the idea of being abandoned until tonight......thanks! Funny how it only takes 1 sentence to bring someone crashing back down again. Now back to R to start all that therapy about them all over again!!
Secrets were told
in the depths of depression.
You were there when
I needed support
but when the time
came you pulled out,
without guilt or despair
of what your words
did to my already
sunken being.
So stay there in your
saddle, hope the
view is good.
Your so high you cannt
see the shattered heart
you left behind.
The friendship that was
is a friendship no more
to the shattered and failed
one left behind.
I still wonder how far Ive come from being discharged. I can cope because I have to cope. I breath because I have breath. Should I be taking something like seroquel to numb me out right now?? I reckon i should hey - to help stop the feeling that I some times get but I cannt, I wish that I could - Do I need to be admitted again?? No!! But I want to be normal, actually, I feel normal because this is normal for me!!
I dont deserve to feel any other way, for if I did then I wouldn't feel like this. i feel abandoned but the 2 people that I cherish the most. Friends are people who you invert in, not pull out of because it just gets too hard or it hits a little too close to home. Do they do this to their other friends who live close by?? I wonder!! Do they just not get it?? here I am going on and on and on about them again. they take up my entire journal!! I wanna go inside and delete her off my fb friends list and give her one last piece of my mind and just say 'fuck you'. Oh heaven forbid the doctors wife does something wrong! Oh no! cannt have that can we!!
If life is just sooo busy that you cannt make time for your friends then maybe you should look at yourself deep down and reassess things. Either that, or you were never a friend in the first place.
(Im not going to write anymore on this for it goes for another 2 pages and its causing huge anxiety for me as its just all too real still and feelings haven't changed all that much, but you get the idea of how pissed I was / am!! But I will write the last paragraph....)
Fuck you to hell, actually, no! Dont go to hell, I live there and I dont want you there every day to make me feel so incomplete!! So stay on your high horse princess and continue your lavish life! While I struggle with this they probably dont even give it a second thought - for him Im probably 'just another patient' and he has forgotten about me who he now doesn't have to deal with.
No stars no moon
only the street light
and the sounds of a
summers night
here on the concrete of
this haven called home.
Cars in the distance,
a purpose in their journey
but for some its a
mindless drive.
Not knowing where to go.
Some dance the night away.
Some let the night go
all on its own.
Rhythmic pulses
back and forth
yep, life itself is just that.
Theres no feeling for
some who have plenty
to live for
while the heart beats in
time with the clock.
Not a sound in the space
that has now been vacated.
I wish I never replied back to A's status back in July. I wish I didnt have though feeling re-emerge to remind me of just how satanic I use to feel back at Bomo high. Noone wanted to help me back them and now when someone does help, they dont continue the help through to the end. I could have continued life without the pain, the numbness, the ignorance to my being. Life was fine and now it has been shattered.
I still have my beautiful family and thats all I need but i also need to be respected by friends.
Why am i so hung up on them?????? Why cannt I just forget them???? I want to but theres that uncertainty - I want them to start caring! To say sorry for the pain they made me feel that day when J said no more - that would be a start!!
Here I am
living in a prison
but the prison is kind.
the prison is my life line,
It contains my creations,
mu love and my will to go on.
But the walls are too high
to get to the exercise yard.
To stretch my being
to find who I am,
to relieve myself of
the torture within.
It is invisible like
snow under an avalanches
destruction.
I love my prison
but want to escape from
my barricaded cell.
There's no need to keep writing tonight....
23/1/10
I was interrupted by Jonty last night - probably a good thing though...i could have kept on whinging! Checked fb before going to bed. A messaged me, told me they were home from holidays. He didnt realise I had been diagnosed with BPD as well as the depression and told me that he had NOT abandoned me - that he was still there.
I went to bed feeling relieved and calm. I'd told him that I had given my journal an absolute thrashing.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
1/1/10 - 9/2/10
1/1/10
Well, 2010 is here...not even 1 minute into it the new year.
What a year 09 has been hey. The only good things for me were seeing Kasey off to school and Bridie joining our family a few days later. But from June / July onwards it just fell to pieces.
Am I brave enough to feel strong and show it? Im scared of what the year may bring, yet really, its just another day after another day isn't it?!
I love my kids !!
As we say goodbye
to a year that became
an enemy
we bring in a new one,
Its not far, its here.
The sky is clear
my heart feels heavy,
the wind has escaped
yet not my fears with it.
To stand firm in this
new year ahead
is something I know
I can do.
A tear is shed
not seen on my face,
for the lives lost in
the year that has past.
For mine was to be
one of them
in the stats.
Yet a friends stood
by me, brought me
through the night.
So heres to a new year
may you be kind for once.
I lay in my bed
with my baby next to me
and wonder why I was
nearly so stupid.
I dont understand
myself,
how I got so low
to nearly end it all.
But to still be breathing,
I ask myself
over and over, why, why, why.
Who would hold them
read to them
cuddle them
dry their tears
remind them of who they are.
They almost had a chance
to hate me,
to forget me.
Never again
shall I come that close again.
2/1/10
Felt a bit more with it today, but I still feel like fading away. I want this darkness to end now but still have my life - I want to be with my family but suicide the pain away.
Been doing lots of exercise on the wii. It feels good. Just need to go back to controlling the food so I can lose weight.
The clouds cover the stars
even the lightning has
limited energy to show
us her presence.
The tear drops fall
from the angels above
as the day yields to this night;
sun setting low.
There is a stillness to grasp
if you stretch out your hand.
But alas its just out of reach.
The mist up yonder
the haze that is near
smothers your soul,
making your walk harder to bare.
Its a night of darkness
reflecting my thoughts
as I reach for the low
setting sun.
3/1/10
Had a few tears tonight over feeling lost with J and A. Haven't had an email off them without me initiating one. i feel hurt still. Why does their opinion matter so much though? Why does their friendship matter so much?? Why cannt I move on?? Why cannt they just send me a message to say hi!?!
I want to do things that will put me at risk, I wish i had not lived, wish it wouldn't affect anyone if I died. Why did A have to intervene that night? Why????????
The embarrassment of not knowing.
The nervousness under my skin.
The awkward look in her eyes.
As she sees her reflection
in the water below.
A face so familiar
yet there appears to be
something amiss.
Nauseating silence conceals
her soul,
whispering secrets to
the few melodious sounds.
The dark, drab eyes,
no sparkle within
look beyond to the depths
of the water,
searching for that jewel
that was once looking back.
Puzzled and confused
she stands a trembling stance
to continue her search
until the jewel returns.
Quietly she mourns
Quietly she yells
As she looks through the screen
to look at her friends
Mumbling sounds
Mumbling silence
As she disturbs the peace
4/2/10
I think Ive found who I feel most comfortable being - the girl I use to be - the one who loved the music by Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana...all that depressing music! Maybe because I was that dark person for so long. But is that me? But Im the country souled girl, who loves the desert. The drinking, the not taking care of myself, being crazy! If I get dreads its like Im officially where I was as a teenager. Its confirmed. I comfortable being there because thats what I was for so long. I feel like Ive spent almost all of my known life in a dark place and its like i want to go back there but I know where that will lead - a very dark hell, just like I feel like I am now, really.
Who am I?
I wanna be:
lost and insecure,
found laying there,
wrapped like a baby.
There I was,
Here I am.
Theres no way of telling.
Telling theres no way.
The years come and go,
the hours pass
yest time stands still.
Who am I?
Who do I wanna be?
Its easier said than done
Its easier said than done.
I, Laura Barnes, declare that in the case of my death, for Dave Borg to receive my heart and both my lungs if viable.
Signed, Laura, Kate Barnes
Friday 8th January 2010.
My mate Dave needs a new heart and lungs. at the moment he has fluid build up around them and has had to have his fluid intake reduced to 1500mls per day because of it. And its a struggle in this heat that they are having right now.
He is my reminder of keeping my chin up and a smile on my dial.
I sit and breath
as a candle flickers its light.
As still as a mountain,
breathing like the gentle breeze,
I give myself up
I give in to the temptation.
I cannot fight this urge,
The floor boards creak
as foot steps approach,
and still the candle continues to burn.
Rising and falling
the breathing
is motionless.
the clock is ticking
reminding me to keep going.
The candle burns
as foot steps leave,
as an insect finds a new home.
Yet I sit and disappear
into the world so inviting.
The candle no longer burns
and the day goes on.
Today I feel:
unmotivated, anxious, jittery, wanting to hide, like Ive been faking it.
9/2/10
Ok today till this arvo and the shakeys kicked in. Was very quiet and not talking much to Nath. He knows Im anxious about going camping with everyone.
i know I need to take more care of myself and respect myself but I feel crap and dont think I deserve to feel good. I just want to be left alone and die in peace yet I want to be a great mum for my kids. I dont want them growing up without me and not remembering me.
'Our days are numbered'
the old man would say.
His hat seen many a summer,
his skin seen as many suns.
The gleem in his eyes
could tell a tale of two,
but rarely a word muttered
from the mouth that just spoke.
Wish and forgiving,
his wrinkled hands shook,
a sign of his age,
of a life that was once lived.
few had spoken to this man,
yet all knew about him,
his adventured with cattle,
road trains and deserts.
There was something in
these words he spoke,
a regret of his decisions,
a warning to us all.
He winked as he nodded.
Stood to his feet
as he said,
'our days are numbered,
dont every forget'.
(For the late Mr Reginald Murray Williams. A man I met at work one day - a day i will never forget!)
Well, 2010 is here...not even 1 minute into it the new year.
What a year 09 has been hey. The only good things for me were seeing Kasey off to school and Bridie joining our family a few days later. But from June / July onwards it just fell to pieces.
Am I brave enough to feel strong and show it? Im scared of what the year may bring, yet really, its just another day after another day isn't it?!
I love my kids !!
As we say goodbye
to a year that became
an enemy
we bring in a new one,
Its not far, its here.
The sky is clear
my heart feels heavy,
the wind has escaped
yet not my fears with it.
To stand firm in this
new year ahead
is something I know
I can do.
A tear is shed
not seen on my face,
for the lives lost in
the year that has past.
For mine was to be
one of them
in the stats.
Yet a friends stood
by me, brought me
through the night.
So heres to a new year
may you be kind for once.
I lay in my bed
with my baby next to me
and wonder why I was
nearly so stupid.
I dont understand
myself,
how I got so low
to nearly end it all.
But to still be breathing,
I ask myself
over and over, why, why, why.
Who would hold them
read to them
cuddle them
dry their tears
remind them of who they are.
They almost had a chance
to hate me,
to forget me.
Never again
shall I come that close again.
2/1/10
Felt a bit more with it today, but I still feel like fading away. I want this darkness to end now but still have my life - I want to be with my family but suicide the pain away.
Been doing lots of exercise on the wii. It feels good. Just need to go back to controlling the food so I can lose weight.
The clouds cover the stars
even the lightning has
limited energy to show
us her presence.
The tear drops fall
from the angels above
as the day yields to this night;
sun setting low.
There is a stillness to grasp
if you stretch out your hand.
But alas its just out of reach.
The mist up yonder
the haze that is near
smothers your soul,
making your walk harder to bare.
Its a night of darkness
reflecting my thoughts
as I reach for the low
setting sun.
3/1/10
Had a few tears tonight over feeling lost with J and A. Haven't had an email off them without me initiating one. i feel hurt still. Why does their opinion matter so much though? Why does their friendship matter so much?? Why cannt I move on?? Why cannt they just send me a message to say hi!?!
I want to do things that will put me at risk, I wish i had not lived, wish it wouldn't affect anyone if I died. Why did A have to intervene that night? Why????????
The embarrassment of not knowing.
The nervousness under my skin.
The awkward look in her eyes.
As she sees her reflection
in the water below.
A face so familiar
yet there appears to be
something amiss.
Nauseating silence conceals
her soul,
whispering secrets to
the few melodious sounds.
The dark, drab eyes,
no sparkle within
look beyond to the depths
of the water,
searching for that jewel
that was once looking back.
Puzzled and confused
she stands a trembling stance
to continue her search
until the jewel returns.
Quietly she mourns
Quietly she yells
As she looks through the screen
to look at her friends
Mumbling sounds
Mumbling silence
As she disturbs the peace
4/2/10
I think Ive found who I feel most comfortable being - the girl I use to be - the one who loved the music by Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana...all that depressing music! Maybe because I was that dark person for so long. But is that me? But Im the country souled girl, who loves the desert. The drinking, the not taking care of myself, being crazy! If I get dreads its like Im officially where I was as a teenager. Its confirmed. I comfortable being there because thats what I was for so long. I feel like Ive spent almost all of my known life in a dark place and its like i want to go back there but I know where that will lead - a very dark hell, just like I feel like I am now, really.
Who am I?
I wanna be:
lost and insecure,
found laying there,
wrapped like a baby.
There I was,
Here I am.
Theres no way of telling.
Telling theres no way.
The years come and go,
the hours pass
yest time stands still.
Who am I?
Who do I wanna be?
Its easier said than done
Its easier said than done.
I, Laura Barnes, declare that in the case of my death, for Dave Borg to receive my heart and both my lungs if viable.
Signed, Laura, Kate Barnes
Friday 8th January 2010.
My mate Dave needs a new heart and lungs. at the moment he has fluid build up around them and has had to have his fluid intake reduced to 1500mls per day because of it. And its a struggle in this heat that they are having right now.
He is my reminder of keeping my chin up and a smile on my dial.
I sit and breath
as a candle flickers its light.
As still as a mountain,
breathing like the gentle breeze,
I give myself up
I give in to the temptation.
I cannot fight this urge,
The floor boards creak
as foot steps approach,
and still the candle continues to burn.
Rising and falling
the breathing
is motionless.
the clock is ticking
reminding me to keep going.
The candle burns
as foot steps leave,
as an insect finds a new home.
Yet I sit and disappear
into the world so inviting.
The candle no longer burns
and the day goes on.
Today I feel:
unmotivated, anxious, jittery, wanting to hide, like Ive been faking it.
9/2/10
Ok today till this arvo and the shakeys kicked in. Was very quiet and not talking much to Nath. He knows Im anxious about going camping with everyone.
i know I need to take more care of myself and respect myself but I feel crap and dont think I deserve to feel good. I just want to be left alone and die in peace yet I want to be a great mum for my kids. I dont want them growing up without me and not remembering me.
'Our days are numbered'
the old man would say.
His hat seen many a summer,
his skin seen as many suns.
The gleem in his eyes
could tell a tale of two,
but rarely a word muttered
from the mouth that just spoke.
Wish and forgiving,
his wrinkled hands shook,
a sign of his age,
of a life that was once lived.
few had spoken to this man,
yet all knew about him,
his adventured with cattle,
road trains and deserts.
There was something in
these words he spoke,
a regret of his decisions,
a warning to us all.
He winked as he nodded.
Stood to his feet
as he said,
'our days are numbered,
dont every forget'.
(For the late Mr Reginald Murray Williams. A man I met at work one day - a day i will never forget!)
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