Systematic Desensitisation

So I have 3 knifes that I talk about:

THE knife - the one I was going to use to stab myself that Thursday night, its huge!!

the OTHER knife - is the next one down in size in the knife set, I hate this one....its just like THE knife, just not as big

and my normal knife - is the next one down again in the knife set. Its my size...not too big, not too small, my favorite!

Day 1
11/5/10

Had a session with R this morning and she asked if there was anything I'd like to talk about or go through. I said that I should start dealing with THE knife. So as we spoke about it I started having a huge anxiety attack, I got all jittery, heart was racing, my thoughts were racing, I started shaking my head like I was trying to get the image of it out of my head. I started hitting my chest and scratching my neck. I eventually calmed down a little and we then continued talking about it. We made a 'no length' plan.

So my homework for the week was to put the knife somewhere where I see it all the time. So I had Nath put it on the magnetic strip up near the stove. I felt ok while cooking dinner but I was busy and didnt have time to think about it even being there. Later when noone was around though I was really anxious.

Day 2
12/5/10

Felt ok with the knife being there this morning when I was making a cuppa and toast but I didnt look at it. Later in the morning I looked at it and was tempted to pick it up. I used the OTHER knife to chop veggies - anxiety attack big time!! Felt spewy for hours afterwards. What a stupid idea that was, I should have just stuck to my normal knife. Put when I cleaned up the kitchen I managed to put it in the dishwasher, then shook my hands to get the feeling of it off my hands. I reckon I was a little too confident today, oh well.

Day 3
13/5/10

(Bible study pissed me off this morning to the point of anxiety attack - it was on God being our guardian and whether we know he is with us during hard times. If I write everything down Ill end up having another anxiety attack.). I held THE knife up to the computer screen tonight pretending to show Borgy. Felt quite squeamish but soon got my mind off it. I just feel so tired and drained from today's efforts at surviving and fights / arguments with A in my head. I just wanna give it to him,  or is it J?

Day 4
14/5/10

I only looked at the knife once and got the shivers today. I made a cuppa easily and even stood there while the kettle boiled. By the end of the night though when Nath was having a sleep before work and all the kids were in bed, I couldn't even make a cuppa by myself or even walk past it. Actually come to think of it, I rarely walk through the kitchen now, I go the 'long way round'.

Day 5
15/5/10

Nath suggested that I could use THE knife to cut up the lettuce. I couldn't even answer him, I just kept shaking my head and saying 'nope nope nope nope nope nope nope'.  There is just no way that I could use it. I had 'The Fray' playing in the car today - reminds me of being in Mirrabook, driving over the bridge today did too, everything I saw, heard, thought, smelt reminded me of hospital. Why??? Sitting in the sun did, just being in the car did, in the sun....everything!! Crazy!!

Day 6
16/5/10

I feel like Im ready for the next step today. I really wish I could just use either one of the knives and have no worries. Oh, Ally had a baby boy the other day - Samuel! Hope she is ok. gee I worry about her!!

Day 9
19/5/10

Feeling good at the moment. I picked THE knife up and put it in the dishwasher 'cos Nath had used it - Nath loves using it!! As soon as I picked it up I got a massive pain in my chest - right where i would have put it through too :(

Day 10
20/5/10

I held THE knife with no problems for about 10-15 seconds until I focused on the top - felt that pain in my chest again, same spot too - straight over my heart. I had to put it down, even now I feel the pain in my chest just from thinking about it. I know the whole idea of systematic desensitisation is to stay in that anxious moment until I can calm myself down - so I should have focused on the tip, had the anxiety attack and then once I had calmed down, put it down and be finished with it.

Day 11
21/5/10

This week has been such a shitty depression week. I have felt so down, so unmotivated. I have given up on all care of myself and things. I had no issues with THE knife there today. Didnt look at it either, or touch it lol. To tell you the truth, Nath put the washing up away and put it back in the knife block.....Im not moving it, no way!!

Day 12
22/5/10

THE knife is in the knife block so I haven't thought of it today, not one single bit - until i went to get the normal knife out to cut up veggies....then it was a quick removal as I didnt even want to accidentally touch it. Maybe I should get it out of the knife block. Its been 10mths since A's status about the teenage suicides in Melbourne. I wish I could talk to them. Im afraid of ringing them, messaging them, emailing them....anything them!

Day 17
27/5/10

I used the OTHER knife to cut the veggies tonight with no problems. Felt good! Also didnt get a massive chest pain looking at THE knife the last 2 days either.

Day 21
31/5/10

THE knife and the OTHER knife are still above the stove and I dont notice them that much. I can walk through the kitchen during the day without too much drama, but usually Im that busy that I dont even think about them until I go to make dinner or a cuppa once everyone is asleep. I saw Karen in IMB today, her eldest Thomas is being bullied at school, severely bullied!! He has lost all motivation for anything. He has to have depression and when it was brought with with the deputy principal his first question was  why was his school work getting worse?? And not about the actual bullying. He sounds more interested in school work than dealing with the bullying - which is pretty darn normal for that school, or any school! So much for a no tolerance for bullying! I really hope he is ok!!

Day 23
2/6/10

I haven't used the knives, haven't had any ideations either. Felt good :) Still avoiding a certain person - like at the eisteddfod today, I saw her and hid before she could see me. Dont really wanna go to bible study 2mrw either. Ive felt like there has been a real harsh attitude towards me lately, Trina has noticed it too. I want to avoid them all!!!!! But I want to go and let them know in a slight way that a 'friend' hurt me with a few things that were said towards me....Wonder if anyone will switch on?? I just feel like I dont fit in with them anymore.

Day 24
3/6/10

Well I went to bible study (I know!! Im a sucker for punishment hey!!) I just sat there....didnt say anything. I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling & Psychology. If I hook in Ill have it done by Christmas but seeing Im doing uni at the same time it will take a little longer, but I haven't up to 3yrs to complete it so Ill be fine. I know what my purpose is - teenagers with issues...will still do uni but this course will be good.

Day 31
10/6/10

The sound of the normal knife coming out of the block sent me into an anxiety attack today. Then talking about it to the girls made me all jittery! Shit!!!!!!

Day 34
13/6/10

Very anxious at Trina's this arvo, all those people around. Im in 'one of those moods' so dont piss me off!!

Day 35
14/6/10

Felt heaps shitty towards Nath again this morning. Dunno why, but I came good eventually. Walked across the bridge today - I was fine, didnt even think about it when we got to the section that I would drive off, although I did on the way home. But I was pretty busy with the kids - throwing sticks into the water.

Day whatever!
1/7/10

Well, Ive transferred to psychology. I went to enroll in my music and education units for the semester and once again got that 'what the hell am I thinking' thought. Im so sick of questioning my degree, so I thought bugger it!


Well, as you can tell, Ive kinda got over having to deal with THE and Other knives. To date (18/11/10) they are still on the magnetic strip above the stove. I can look at them but have only used the OTHER knife once or twice when my normal knife is in the wash. I have no need for THE knife....in reality, its soooo frigging big that its just a waste of a knife! I dont have any anxiety with them on the strip, actually its quite handy as there is no noise of them coming out against the wood of the knife block. Although, in saying that, the noise of them against metal / magnetic strip is a shocker!!

So Ill just keep on going with what I have in my journal.

7/8/10

Well today last year Joh took me up to casualty which means that last night 1yr ago I was going to stab myself with THE knife. What a year hey!! Im glad I didnt but I always wonder what if - what if I did go through with it - would I survive?? How would the kids and Nath be, my mum and dad, sister and brother, my grandparents, friends???? I feel ok knowing its been 1yr, actually I thought it was Monday but looked up the calendar for last year and it was today. I feel sleepy at the thought of it all and I dont want to let it get to me. I dont wanna get down cos I know I will plummet!! Life goes on!! Suck it up princess!!
Ally is out - she got discharged. They put her on efexor and seroquel, I intervened in her suicide plan! She wasn't swallowing her pills while she was in hospital and was storing them up so she could OD. Hope she is going ok at home. Im just about to go write her a letter.
I coped ok visiting her in Mirrabook. Everyone thought it would be a BAD idea for me to go up there and see her in person, especially in hospital but thats only cos they are all worried that it was going to drag me down into hell again. But it hasn't, Ive been so strong. her problem is not my problem in that regard. Yes she is my friend, yes Im her friend - and one of the only ones she has she can trust - but Im strong. Im bred tough mate :)
So talking to Colin about her stashing her pills was ok. I told her that as much as I understand her pain and agony, that I want it to stop for her, that I know suicide feels like the right thing to do that I am so far on the other side of it all and know that she is a fighter and a survivor (so far). She knew she shouldn't be storing them up but its something to focus on that might stop the pain. Plus, seriously, seroquel?? You need a damn good amount of it to have a successful suicidal OD.

The sun has set on another day
but today isn't just any day.
For a year ago my life
changed dramatically.
The dark clouds had swept
through my body,
and brought with it
the demons of hell.
The piercing that was to be,
the heavy chest that
was to bleed,
never occurred as destiny
had planned.
Predestination took me
to the wards.
The horizon is stronger
in light
the sun will rise
on another day
where I enter another
year of survival.