Watched 'My Sisters Keeper' tonight. Didnt cry, again! But what ticks me off now is that its acceptable for people to die from cancer etc but not from depression. Sure, people with cancer try to treat it but if they die then people can understand it, its a reason why but depression isn't like that. Why does death have to affect everyone that is left behind? Why do I have kids? Why cannt I have no family or friends? Why do I have people here that care? Or need me? Why??
5/2/10
Seroquel has been changed to a slow release which I loooove!! It takes about 4hrs to kick in and it kicks in slowly and I wake up less train - wrecked the next day! I still feel sedated but I can still function, not like the normal one where its spot on 60min after taking it that I hit a wall and collapse in a sedated heap. Remember the day Zeke came up and I passed out on the lounge?? Nath said to not worry about me....Ill come good in 8hrs. What a crack up!!
Psychiatrist said efexor has done a lot but not everything as I still have suicidal thoughts but they are intrusive now and not intentional like they were before.
I wanna know where I stand with BPD. How bad do I have it? How do I have it - is it my view on relationships? Is it my perception on things? Is it the compulsive thoughts? How do I distinguish between BPD, depression and PTSD??
8/3/10
Well, I started uni again which feels good. I sat and managed to play Rachmaninoff (well, most of it anyway) so the next day I enrolled. I haven't felt like I need to pull out, so that is a good sign. I haven't played the piano since hospital those few times and before that was October 08.
Psychiatrist has said I have OCD as well, not badly that it affects my life every day, but its definitely there and probably exacerbated by the depression (which she said I still have severely)
And Ive got dreads!!! Yay!! And the AC/DC concert rocked!!!!!
I went to bible study last week and it was on the holy spirit. I could have really given to them hey! They have no idea what its like to be suicidal and not feel 'His presence' like you are possessed by satan or something. I had THE biggest anxiety attack all day. I was nervous with going and then all the wishy washy chitchat shit. i couldn't shake it afterwards. Friday and Saturday were shockers and I still feel like shit and anxious!! How the fuck does an anxiety attack last for 3 days without rest??? So Ive emailed Joh and told her just how hard it was and that I dont think Ill go again, not for a long time anyway. I cannt do that to myself every week just because someone thinks I should go! Just for appearance sake!! Until I can sort it out myself in my head I cannt listen to all the talk like 'oh all we have to do is read the bible and pray and everything will be ok' - what a load of fucking bullshit!!
Bridie and Jonty both have had their birthdays. I still cannt believe that I was going to top myself and not be here for them. I cannt understand it! Even though its me!! How selfish was I going to be huh!! I had talked myself into believing that they would be ok, but they wouldn't be would they?? I talk to Borgy most nights on fb - his mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was little. it almost ruined his life, made his childhood extremely difficult. And I know its different circumstances but hearing how he talks not having his mother around really makes me wanna kill myself for being such a selfish little shit!! go figure!! I hate myself for it, HATE MYSELF!!!!! I couldn't do that to my kids!! My kids are everything to me, they are what is keeping my alive and have kept me alive. All those times where suicide was only seconds away, it was THEM I was thinking of...they are what got me through!!!! I must have been in a very dark deep and horrid depression stage to think what I had! I had told myself enough that they would be ok, I imagined their birthdays, school events, weddings, their babies and all along I KNEW they were going to be ok, eventually. I look back and think that for whatever reason Bridie was in the car that day, she saved my life! If I had not looked in the rear vision mirror to see if a car was coming up the side of me, if I had not seen her smiling back at me, then i would have gone over the bridge and suicided!! That night on fb talking to Joh and A and then on the phone to A, for whatever reason he was online that night instead of sleeping on his night off, he saved my life too. And joh taking me to casualty the next day and then Maja taking me to Comm Health and then casualty as well. I look back and wish nath and I had a better relationship that he understood me and that I could talk to him, but its made our relationship sooooo much better!! But then, how can I wish that with Nath when I didnt even 'go there' with myself??
28/3/10
Been having all these dreams of wanting to buy grog but getting really angry because I have to keep the money for bills or to pay for Kasey's swimming lessons. R said its me wanting to do stuff for me but have to deal with sensibilities and the constant fight I have within myself. So over the next few weeks (cos now I see her every 3 weeks instead of weekly or fortnightly!!!) I have to make some time for stuff that gives me that feeling of 'freedom' - a slice of time of independence, a little bit more 'Laura time'.
On a day to day basis I feel pretty good lately. the anxiety has dropped a bit and I can cope heaps better than 3mths ago. I wonder if uni has anything to do with it?? Im so busy with that I have no time to think, to sit and analyse, to contemplate.
Ive been doing lots of talking with R on friendships and especially about Sarah**. She made me realise that the way Sarah responds to me is the same way she responds to pretty much everyone else. So my project 3wks ago was to go to bible study and just observe how everyone interacted with each other - not judge them, just observe. Shit it was fun!! If you just sit back and watch how people react to different stimuli its hilariously great viewing!!
The week before I had gone to bible study and Sarah had said a few comments that really pissed me off. And I know Im not smart in all this stuff but I know when something is wrong theologically! Then trying to explain that when you are about to commit suicide that the 'spirit' of god is not in you because you really feel like you are possessed by some evil dark force. I know it sounds all wishy shit from a far off land but its seriously true. Your being is taken over by something dark and possessive, something not right! It felt like they all ganged up on me and were trying to tell me that I was wrong - fuck the lotta ya's hey! How dare they! How would they know what its like to be in that position?? How would they know unless they have been there before??? I vowed to NOT return! But R convinced me otherwise, that I should catch up with them and observe, so I did.
Maja and I were talking about it the next week so the next day at bible study (yes, this stupid low life returned!) we gave real sly hints to Sarah (and to the others) that she doesn't understand depression and life with addictions and issues. People with no life experience should NOT tell others what they should or should not be thinking and feeling about things.
I could quite easily not talk to her ever ever ever again. I could quite easily not see her again, but why do I?? Maybe 'cos I dont have to heart to treat a 'friend' like that.
Been wondering too lately what J and A have been up to. Do they still talk about me like they said they did 8mths ago?? Do they still think we have that connectedness A said we had because of his hand in helping me and me talking ot him??? I think about them DAILY! What they are up to, where J would be up to with uni work, what the kids are doing today - is it tennis day, not cricket now I guess, or little missy's piano lessons???
I still think about hospital too - daily! I look at the clock and remember what I would have been doing back then. And even though I remember it daily, it feels like a distant memory. Like a dream that never happened in reality, it feels fake, a nightmare etc.
I question myself about just how bad I was, how deep I got into depression. Was I really THAT suicidal? And I feel like I dont undersand how hard it was to keep living each day when I read back through my journals. I can remember where I was when I wrote stuff too, what song I was listening to, the clothes I was wearing, the weather, whether it was the day i was going to kick the living shit out of that guy that pissed me off.
Have re-visited stuff about Stephen too with R. It was a very indepth sesh, lots of memories brought up, lots of anger. It was good, I realised that since I was about 10 or so yrs old ive used a substance to control my moods, from ventolin, then nothing (yr 11 & 12 - 1998/9) where I was VERY suicidal and depressed, then alcohol for a few yrs (oh how blissful that was, god I miss it!!) then while prega's and breastfeeding Ive been depressed or just coping in a majorly fake way. And everytime I haven't been prega's Ive drunk like crazy for a couple of weeks / months and then...wammo....prega's again so back to the straight and narrow I go!!
My dreads are going ok, starting to look like proper dreads, finally.
Uni has stressed me out this week, trying to get the animation assignment to work properly, but Ive stayed strong and not let it ruin me or bring me down. Ive looked at my arm and had the passing though of cutting but its more like a memory of what it feels like to do it. I go through the motion of cutting, imagine every little bit of movement the scissors would do. And its good in a way - could do through with it physically, but Im not....thee is no action. Nice! (So they say!)
Went to 'boat harbour' up at Em's today - I kinda felt weird being there and it wasn't until I got outta the car that I realised why it felt weird. We went there the day before I got admitted. i knew I had been there before, just couldn't remember when !! I got the biggest flash backs, the suicidal feeling racing through my body again and then I got flashbacks of being at the boast harbour in shellharbour that I would visit with the kids if I had some sort of leave. The whole time down there today I felt like I was clouded with a black fog. I didnt want to swim, I wanted to go hide. But I didnt give the feelings much time or thought - just got on with what I had to do with the kids, just kept on looking after them, making sure they were safe, having fun etc....all that sorta mum stuff :)
** name change.
7/4/10
Been camping the past week around the snowies. It was good but wasn't the greatest. I had to stretch efexor to last the week cos I forgot to fill my script! I feel really tired though - I dream of sleeping, thats how tired I am! I dream of dreaming....
I think its cos Im so tired that I feel so anxious, could also be that my body is withdrawing from efexor. Should be taking seroquel too but its been atleast a week, I cannt go that long without it....the only reason why I haven't been taking it is cos we've been camping and camping means rum and rum means lotsa rum at night once the kids are in bed. Ive even had thoughts of scratching my arm tonight with the tweezers. I just want to do ANYTHING that will hurt me!! I dont know why, I just want to and Im pissed off cos I cannt. If I do that means lectures off Nath and Mum and Em....seriously cannt handle another lecture off them. If I do it then dont tell me...I know I shouldn't but I just dont care!!
9/4/10
Im sooo over fighting my weight. Ive worked my butt off knowing that my meds will make me put it on and crave carbs and Ive got nowhere!! So since Ive stopped doing so much exercise Ive put on 2.5kg. I want to lose weight but Im so over fighting it and not getting anywhere. Ive been fighting so hard and Im just losing an impossible battle.
I feel so frustrated and upset. I hate my body. I dont want to be far but Ive no fight left in me!
10/4/10
Haven't taken too much efexor lately. Mostly every 2nd day. Ive been thinking lately of taking lots of ventolin to ease my anxiety. I know its bad for me...yada yada yada...but i dont care in a way. I keep trying to tell nath Im ok and in a way I am - I think mostly its the whole weight issues that is bugging me. He keeps telling me not to worry about it but I am! he would rather me fat and happy then skinny and unwell.
Am I suicidal? Im always suicidal. Is there intent? No, no planning anyway. The thoughts are intrusive but in a way I do want them there, I dunno, I dont get it. Maybe its cos I like thinking it. I feel safe with those thoughts. I feel 'normal'. Its almost like its a fantasy, dreaming it up but knowing its not real. Kinda like a day dream, just never get the chance to think deeply about it, except tonight. Im tired as hey! And Im thinking heaps about just crap that I think of but part of my brain has gone into protective mode and not letting me fully process things. I just wanna get it out of my system - stupid brain!!
And why is it that Ive always felt a connection to people who have suicided or had such bad depression?? Like that guy from church, Mark Priestly ('Dan' from All Saints tv show) and Charmaine Dragun. She was on efexor too at the time of her suicide. Ive ALWAYS felt close in a way to people who suffer severe depression and loooooove reading over and over and over and over again the stories of peoples suicides.
Well. turning lights off now. Fingers crossed I sleep. Must be due for a seroquel one of these nights when i remember to take it. Thats the only problem with the slow release - i cannt take it this late at night, otherwise ill still be smashed at lunchtime tomorrow!! Might suck a normal one down...might not....just og to bed and cross my fingers hey!!
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