1/1/10 - 9/2/10

1/1/10

Well, 2010 is here...not even 1 minute into it the new year.
What a year 09 has been hey. The only good things for me were seeing Kasey off to school and Bridie joining our family a few days later. But from June / July onwards it just fell to pieces.
Am I brave enough to feel strong and show it? Im scared of what the year may bring, yet really, its just another day after another day isn't it?!
I love my kids !!

As we say goodbye
to a year that became
an enemy
we bring in a new one,
Its not far, its here.
The sky is clear
my heart feels heavy,
the wind has escaped
yet not my fears with it.
To stand firm in this
new year ahead
is something I know
I can do.
A tear is shed
not seen on my face,
for the lives lost in
the year that has past.
For mine was to be
one of them
in the stats.
Yet a friends stood
by me, brought me
through the night.
So heres to a new year
may you be kind for once.

I lay in my bed
with my baby next to me
and wonder why I was
nearly so stupid.
I dont understand
myself,
how I got so low
to nearly end it all.
But to still be breathing,
I ask myself
over and over, why, why, why.
Who would hold them
read to them
cuddle them
dry their tears
remind them of who they are.
They almost had a chance
to hate me,
to forget me.
Never again
shall I come that close again.


2/1/10

Felt a bit more with it today, but I still feel like fading away. I want this darkness to end now but still have my life - I want to be with my family but suicide the pain away.
Been doing lots of exercise on the wii. It feels good. Just need to go back to controlling the food so I can lose weight.

The clouds cover the stars
even the lightning has
limited energy to show
us her presence.
The tear drops fall
from the angels above
as the day yields to this night;
sun setting low.
There is a stillness to grasp
if you stretch out your hand.
But alas its just out of reach.
The mist up yonder
the haze that is near
smothers your soul,
making your walk harder to bare.
Its a night of darkness
reflecting my thoughts
as I reach for the low
setting sun.

3/1/10

Had a few tears tonight over feeling lost with J and A. Haven't had an email off them without me initiating one. i feel hurt still. Why does their opinion matter so much though? Why does their friendship matter so much?? Why cannt I move on?? Why cannt they just send me a message to say hi!?!

I want to do things that will put me at risk, I wish i had not lived, wish it wouldn't affect anyone if I died. Why did A have to intervene that night? Why????????

The embarrassment of not knowing.
The nervousness under my skin.
The awkward look in her eyes.
As she sees her reflection
in the water below.
A face so familiar
yet there appears to be
something amiss.
Nauseating silence conceals
her soul,
whispering secrets to
the few melodious sounds.
The dark, drab eyes,
no sparkle within
look beyond to the depths
of the water,
searching for that jewel
that was once looking back.
Puzzled and confused
she stands a trembling stance
to continue her search
until the jewel returns.

Quietly she mourns
Quietly she yells
As she looks through the screen
to look at her friends
Mumbling sounds
Mumbling silence
As she disturbs the peace

4/2/10

I think Ive found who I feel most comfortable being - the girl I use to be - the one who loved the music by Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana...all that depressing music! Maybe because I was that dark person for so long. But is that me? But Im the country souled girl, who loves the desert. The drinking, the not taking care of myself, being crazy! If I get dreads its like Im officially where I was as a teenager. Its confirmed. I comfortable being there because thats what I was for so long. I feel like Ive spent almost all of my known life in a dark place and its like i want to go back there but I know where that will lead - a very dark hell, just like I feel like I am now, really.

Who am I?
I wanna be:
lost and insecure,
found laying there,
wrapped like a baby.
There I was,
Here I am.
Theres no way of telling.
Telling theres no way.
The years come and go,
the hours pass
yest time stands still.
Who am I?
Who do I wanna be?
Its easier said than done
Its easier said than done.

I, Laura Barnes, declare that in the case of my death, for Dave Borg to receive my heart and both my lungs if viable.
Signed, Laura, Kate Barnes
Friday 8th January 2010.

My mate Dave needs a new heart and lungs. at the moment he has fluid build up around them and has had to have his fluid intake reduced to 1500mls per day because of it. And its a struggle in this heat that they are having right now.
He is my reminder of keeping my chin up and a smile on my dial.

I sit and breath
as a candle flickers its light.
As still as a mountain,
breathing like the gentle breeze,
I give myself up
I give in to the temptation.
I cannot fight this urge,
The floor boards creak
as foot steps approach,
and still the candle continues to burn.
Rising and falling
the breathing
is motionless.
the clock is ticking
reminding me to keep going.
The candle burns
as foot steps leave,
as an insect finds a new home.
Yet I sit and disappear
into the world so inviting.
The candle no longer burns
and the day goes on.
 
Today I feel:
unmotivated, anxious, jittery, wanting to hide, like Ive been faking it.

9/2/10

Ok today till this arvo and the shakeys kicked in. Was very quiet and not talking much to Nath. He knows Im anxious about going camping with everyone.
i know I need to take more care of myself and respect myself but I feel crap and dont think I deserve to feel good. I just want to be left alone and die in peace yet I want to be a great mum for my kids. I dont want them growing up without me and not remembering me.

'Our days are numbered'
the old man would say.
His hat seen many a summer,
his skin seen as many suns.
The gleem in his eyes
could tell a tale of two,
but rarely a word muttered
from the mouth that just spoke.
Wish and forgiving,
his wrinkled hands shook,
a sign of his age,
of a life that was once lived.
few had spoken to this man,
yet all knew about him,
his adventured with cattle,
road trains and deserts.
There was something in
these words he spoke,
a regret of his decisions,
a warning to us all.
He winked as he nodded.
Stood to his feet
as he said,
'our days are numbered,
dont every forget'.

(For the late Mr Reginald Murray Williams. A man I met at work one day - a day i will never forget!)