13/4/10 - 10/5/10

13/4/10

Felt better the last couple of days other than feeling run down - have a cold and feel like sleep hasn't happened.
Been getting back into looking at recipes for dinner and cooking bikkies, slices etc. Spose that is another past of me that is getting better.

22/4/10

Been having lots of anxiety attacks - the ones where my heart feels like it does crazy things.
Head has been in good places. Read that I need to fight the 'quick sand' feeling of depression. I think I can but not sure just how much I want to.

29/4/10

Dreams have been giving me the shits!! They constantly revolve around me struggling to choose between Nath and the kids and something I really want to do. They are seriously getting me down. I know R said I need to find something for me that I use to do, like go horse riding regularly. She said Ill end up going backwards big time if I dont start to do something. And it needs to be more than just having a cuppa by myself or with friends. I need to find a hobby.
I feel so drained from these dreams, I always choose Nath and the kids and eventually Im happy with the choice but its an emotional warfare and I wake up emotionally drained. I would never choose something instead of them. Strike, I chose life over suicide in reality. These dreams are seriously killing me! They are really giving me the heebeegeebee's!!

30/4/10

I work my ass off for uni and I only just pass!! WTF?? 16.5/30 I got for that assignment on epics vs ballads. I work so friggin' hard and I only just pass!!!! Seriously feel like absolute crap now. I want to give up everything. And not just uni, give up trying on everything. Life seriously sucks ass!!

5/5/10

Went for a massive walk into town today. There would have been no way I could have done that yesturday! I was so unmotivated yesturday. No energy, nothing!! I was struggling to do the bare minimum. Even today I could easily have done nothing but Bridie needed entertaining so she enjoyed the trip into town in the pram. I could have slept this arvo though and I fell asleep on the lounge at 9pm.
Im still avoiding Sarah huh! She rang this morning and I wish I hadn't answered as soon as I heard her voice! I couldn't get off the phone quick enough. Haven't caught up with Joh for a while. Bible study is still uneasy and I dont talk about depression or anything. I just nod and agree, dont bother voicing my opinion anymore! Whats the point?? I get shot down!!
Anyway, Im stuffed. Nighty night. xoxox

10/5/10

Went to the christian Equip conference on saturday. Was good to get out, be kid free. But sheez, Sydney - who on earth would want to live in that hell hole, stuck up moles everywhere ya turn hey!! I need to remember to escape into Gods word instead of fairy tale quick fixes. I need to be able to let god have control of my life but that big part of me doesn't want to. Part of me still wants to be angry at God and still is very much so, not feel god in my life or anything. I saw this book about not going through depression alone, that God is with you but thats the LAST thing I felt like hearing or reading. It was good going but so much of me is still so angry and not wanting to give God any satisfaction!!
I noticed tonight that A isn't on fb anymore. Wonder why? Has J been in his ear again cos she's deleted her profile too??