21 - 23 /1/10

21/1/10

Survived camping - wasn't too bad, so all those sessions with R were either for nothing or helped me calm my nerves. I had a few panicky moments but got through them as usual. Drank heaps the first few days. I hid at our camp site a fair bit. Only came out when i felt like it, although i would venture down to Joh's more than the others. Heaven forbid I actually go camping be miraculously 'cured'!!
Reading a book on BPD  - I know Im searching for me, wanting dreads, getting a tatt, not knowing who I am etc. I want to know who I am. And the last few weeks of minimal eating and stack of exercise then for a while camping - eating like a pig - the excessive compulsions contribute to my discontinuity of my identity.
But what about the cutting I use to do? It wasn't remove tension like they say it is, although I guess it does - just that wasn't my motivation - it was to hurt myself and now all I want to do is hurt myself even more, I identify with myself by my scars on my arms.

22/1/10

Tonight while on facebook I saw J update her status - they are back from holidays - at bermagui! they didnt even let me know they were going there - its only a few hrs down the road from here! I woulda gone down for a day trip and met them somewhere, its not that far away - us country people are use to travelling long distances to get anywhere!! When I saw her status I had such a huge anxiety attack. Fair enough they may not have had the time but they could have atleast let me know they were going there...I feel so betrayed!! I feel like if they really did wanna catch up then they would have told me and maybe thought about catching up but there was nothing! NOTHING!! I replied to her and said that bermi isn't that far away from here. She said they were there for only 4 days! It hurts....really hurts!! Like really really fucking hurts!! All that talk about wanting to catch up etc is a load of bull shit!! Fuck off!! If I was that close to them then I would have told them I was close by. far out!! So I now understand why A responded the way he did when I got Noreen in hospital to ring him and talk to him about my day. He said he couldn't understand why I would ring him at all - wasn't questioning why Noreen was talking to him and not me....but WHY I would get in contact on the phone with him in the first place! Go firgure!! Messages etc were fine but a phone call to talk wasn't right??? Sure fire way of telling me to fuck off hey. He did something someone would do if they knew someone was suicidal but then he wanted to leave it there - nothing else!! and when he said we were friends for life was just all bull shit to make me feel good and special. It did make me feel that so it worked, but to then back off and not follow it through??!! And then to say 'we're busy, we have a lot on' is just the polite way of saying 'we're done with you please leave us alone'. Well fuck you both to hell!! I want to delete them from my life! Like I never knew them. Ive told them how much its hurts me but they dont care at all!! I meant all my words to them and would never treat anyone like they ended up treating me. How dare they screw me up like this!! They abandoned our friendship - thats what hurts the most. I thought sooooo highly of them, and I still do, they are the most unbelievable people I know but as friends....well, thats just wrong! Yeah we all get busy, fuck, we dont have to be a doctor and a mother of 3 studying full time to be busy!! And we all have our difficulties but sheez man, get over ya selves!! And if you take all my problems on board then how are you going to cope with clients telling you their problems all the time.....you had only met me once for goodness sake, its not as if Im a long life friend.
I was getting use to the idea of being abandoned until tonight......thanks! Funny how it only takes 1 sentence to bring someone crashing back down again. Now back to R to start all that therapy about them all over again!!

Secrets were told
in the depths of depression.
You were there when
I needed support
but when the time
came you pulled out,
without guilt or despair
of what your words
did to my already
sunken being.
So stay there in your
saddle, hope the
view is good.
Your so high you cannt
see the shattered heart
you left behind.
The friendship that was
is a friendship no more
to the shattered and failed
one left behind.

I still wonder how far Ive come from being discharged. I can cope because I have to cope. I breath because I have breath. Should I be taking something like seroquel to numb me out right now?? I reckon i should hey - to help stop the feeling that I some times get but I cannt, I wish that I could - Do I need to be admitted again?? No!! But I want to be normal, actually, I feel normal because this is normal for me!!
I dont deserve to feel any other way, for if I did then I wouldn't feel like this. i feel abandoned but the 2 people that I cherish the most. Friends are people who you invert in, not pull out of because it just gets too hard or it hits a little too close to home. Do they do this to their other friends who live close by?? I wonder!! Do they just not get it?? here I am going on and on and on about them again. they take up my entire journal!! I wanna go inside and delete her off my fb friends list and give her one last piece of my mind and just say 'fuck you'. Oh heaven forbid the doctors wife does something wrong! Oh no! cannt have that can we!!
If life is just sooo busy that you cannt make time for your friends then maybe you should look at yourself deep down and reassess things. Either that, or you were never a friend in the first place.
(Im not going to write anymore on this for it goes for another 2 pages and its causing huge anxiety for me as its just all too real still and feelings haven't changed all that much, but you get the idea of how pissed I was / am!! But I will write the last paragraph....)
Fuck you to hell, actually, no! Dont go to hell, I live there and I dont want you there every day to make me feel so incomplete!! So stay on your high horse princess and continue your lavish life! While I struggle with this they probably dont even give it a second thought - for him Im probably 'just another patient' and he has forgotten about me who he now doesn't have to deal with.

No stars no moon
only the street light
and the sounds of a
summers night
here on the concrete of
this haven called home.
Cars in the distance,
a purpose in their journey
but for some its a
mindless drive.
Not knowing where to go.
Some dance the night away.
Some let the night go
all on its own.
Rhythmic pulses
back and forth
yep, life itself is just that.
Theres no feeling for
some who have plenty
to live for
while the heart beats in
time with the clock.
Not a sound in the space
that has now been vacated.

I wish I never replied back to A's status back in July. I wish I didnt have though feeling re-emerge to remind me of just how satanic I use to feel back at Bomo high. Noone wanted to help me back them and now when someone does help, they dont continue the help through to the end. I could have continued life without the pain, the numbness, the ignorance to my being. Life was fine and now it has been shattered.
I still have my beautiful family and thats all I need but i also need to be respected by friends.
Why am i so hung up on them?????? Why cannt I just forget them???? I want to but theres that uncertainty - I want them to start caring! To say sorry for the pain they made me feel that day when J said no more - that would be a start!!

Here I am
living in a prison
but the prison is kind.
the prison is my life line,
It contains my creations,
mu love and my will to go on.
But the walls are too high
to get to the exercise yard.
To stretch my being
to find who I am,
to relieve myself of
the torture within.
It is invisible like
snow under an avalanches
destruction.
I love my prison
but want to escape from
my barricaded cell.

There's no need to keep writing tonight....

23/1/10

I was interrupted by Jonty last night - probably a good thing though...i could have kept on whinging! Checked fb before going to bed. A messaged me, told me they were home from holidays. He didnt realise I had been diagnosed with BPD as well as the depression and told me that he had NOT abandoned me - that he was still there.
I went to bed feeling relieved and calm. I'd told him that I had given my journal an absolute thrashing.