the beginning of journal #3 : 21/10/10 - 3/12/10

21/10/10

Feel like absolute crap hey! Finances suck ass! I hate October for finances!! Could seriously go back to renting - would be less stress for Nath, but really?? In this town, rent would cost us the same amount each week as the mortgage does. Ahh, we could rent and go camping more often, get away a lot easier. We could nick off for 12mths....do home schooling (or would it be tent schooling?)
If we dont hear from the army then I guess we just might have to sell up. Nath needs a decent job and get off night shift.

I hate feeling stressed. It feels like Im going to have a heart attack. The anxiety is insane. Its horrible!
Only a few more weeks to go for uni. I hope I do well, I dont expect fantastic marks but I hope I do better than just 'ok'. (Ok, so reality - Im still not happy unless its at the top. I will be soooooo disappointed if I get anything less than a D. Im trying to convince myself that I dont expect fantastic marks...but really, I DEMAND!!!! good marks!!)
Gee Im putting on weight hey. My stomach is soooo flabby, All I do is eat...lately anyway. Im back up to 74kg!! Thats pretty much 5kg that Ive put on in 12mths!! I look like an oompa loompa - short, fat, stocky...all I need is a bald head with a mini pony tail. Im back up to size 12-14 clothes too! Sucks! and my stomach is one of those 'hang over' ones. It looks horrible. I hate my body. I want to stop eating but its like Im eating for the hell of it, like Im bored or something. The last time my stomach grumbled was sooooo long ago that I cannt remember!! I am constantly having thoughts of anorexia-ism (is that a word??). I have these tiny little thoughts that pop up that I could do it...its like its my evil little angel sitting on my shoulder saying 'your fat, ugly, look at you you ugly rancid beast!' and I really struggle staying on the side of the good angel who says 'noone but dogs like bones'.

I have nooooo motivation whatsoever hey. Nath says I should be going for walks, getting outside and do something but that idea can just go to hell!! All I want to do is either sleep or lay on the lounge and watch movies.
Im worried about Trina, I just keep reminding her that she cannt just 'snap out of it' like she keeps saying that she will.
Depression sucks.

3/11/10

Had psych exam today. I think I did pretty well.
Ive been feeling good lately. Im rethinking my plan of coming off my medication. The chance of relapse is too high at this point in time.
Ally is still not well, there are so many things she has to sort through and with BPD - there is no 'cure' for it. DBT can help with the stressors and relationship problems, but that is no cure! It is soooo frustrating!!
Anyway, I feel kind of drained. Emotionally that is. We had a huge disagreement with bible study but that is all sorted, I think??
On Saturday at mum and dads (mum is in Zimbabwe with Rosina) I had a quick flick through mums little journal that she has sitting in the back room. It doesn't have much in it but 25th Aug '09 she wrote that she was very frightened for me and felt very sad. My entire body instantly felt different. It was like I all of a sudden felt what mum must have felt last year, and it was only a few short words that she wrote. As I read it I instantly put myself in her place - what if I was writing that about one of our girls, or Jonty?? It took a good 10min or more for that feeling to ease. It was like I was frozen and couldn't move. I felt different all day after that. The more I thought of it the more my body ached.

Am I glad I didnt go through with my suicides? Yeah, I think I am. Am I still angry with j & A? Yeah, but not as much. I still feel hurt and sometimes want to lash out at them but not as much. They did what they thought they had to do, even if I thought it was wrong. Im glad that I was friends with them but sometimes - many times - I wish I never got them involved. I wish I never spoke to A.
Why does life do this to us? Why do we get hurt and lied to?? Why do friends come and go? It sucks! Especially people who I thought I was connected with. I want to spend an entire forever with them. As much as I have wanted to push them away, all I have ever wanted was for them to apologise and to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok!

Im tired and Im wanting to go to bed, but I want to stay up and do nothing. Be still and know that everything will be ok!
I love my kids so much. I hope I can be there for them and never let them down. I hope that as they get older that I can help them grow into beautiful people and steer them in the right direction. This is one thing I refuse to fail at!! Im gunna do my utmost best to help them be strong, confident people, to help them realise their abilities and to encourage them to do their best. I want to be there for them. They are the reason why Im still alive today. I survived suicide for them and have got to the point where I can almost believe that I will be ok.
I love you guys. I hope you know deep in your hearts that you are precious and worthy of love! xoxox

10/11/10

Had BCSS exam today. Glad that one is over huh!! Was quite hard, if I pass Ill be happy - that is my honest thinking!!
Wonder how Ally is going? She hasn't been too good lately. They've been buying lost of furniture lately and painting too I think. Hope it gives her something to focus on, something good.
So glad I dont have uni any more. I can have normal nights now without sitting in front of the computer, without reading, doing assignments, having deadlines! Bring it on!!

Mum comes back from Zimbabwe tomorrow. Woohoo!!
I wish J and A would send me a message! Something personal! Our friendship is still nothing like it was but Im more relaxed with how it is now. I know I dont have to hear from them. But I still wish I did. Maybe I should send J something - ask her about uni, what she is in for next year, something like that.

27/11/10

Been going alright since uni has finished for the year. Early nights are awesome. I am sleeping sooo much. I think Ive worked it out that Im getting a D for bcss and a C for psych - would have thought it would be the other way round. Well I guess Ill fing out once the results are out.
Been meaning to write it for yonks but everytime I get over stressed, over pushed or emotionally pushed I get to the point where I want to hurt myself. And its a daily fight. I have for like, well, always just never thought much of it in the past year, I just ignore it cos I know the feeling goes away, eventually, plus Im busy - Ive got things to do. Ive just noticed it so much more lately and Im writing it now cos its finally a good time to remember it and write it out. I think of places where I could cut myself and where people wouldn't see, like my thigh, stomach. My arms would be too noticeable. Its a fight with the good and evil angels on my shoulders again....I know I shouldn't and that is mostly cos Nath gets upset. I imagine the process instead and its nowhere near as good as the physical job but its what i can do without arguments.


Haven't got much to write really. Ive been really questioning whether I should come off efexor or not. Looking at the stats I know that this is going to be an ongoing battle.


2/12/10

I seriously dont feel like moving today or doing anything. I have no motivation at all. I feel tired all the time, Im putting weight on so I feel fat and feral. I know if I tell R or Dr M they will tell me to get out and exercise. Its so hard cos I know it will make me feel better but I dont want to do anything.
I forgot about cooking dinner too, again. I cannt be stuffed doing any washing most days and Im losing all care about how I go about my day.
Im going deeper and deeper into depression. I can feel it. There is no thought of suicide or anything like that, I just do not want to deal with anyone or anything.
I think too now that uni has finished for the year that I have a void to fill. Its like Im back to nothing to keep me going everyday. No wonder i started feeling good at the end of the year when uni started.
I wish I had the motivation to get going everyday. Maybe I should see R again, I was suppose to see her a month ago when my exams were on but time has got away from me.
I feel like sleeping the entire day no matter how much sleep I get. I could seriously sleep the rest of my life away.
So do I go back to drinking again?? Sometimes I wish I could be drunk 24/7 and have no responsibilities, just to lose myself into oblivion for a while.
Been having some really violent dreams lately too. And they are all at night time - well, they are very dark 9its not day time) with rapes, suicide, murder and frustration with myself.
Ally is back in hospital. I haven't heard from her so Im not really sure on how she is going but she did send me a quick email saying she was on day leave. I really hope they sort something out for her. Cannt see why they couldn't try lithium - she really needs a mood stabiliser.
Anyway I feel like I have been writing in here for ages - more than the pages show. Im in a scribble mood. Just wanna scribble stuff and focus on something that takes me away to la la land.
Anyway, gotta go wake Nath up for work. Then its a cuppa, shower and bed time...Internet is super slow so haven't been on fb much.

(the next 2 pages are full of scribbles - half a face, eyes, a nose, lips, sharp lines, treble and bass clefs, a little piece of writing: "The hiding place of reality is within her body, within her soul; A place where noone can steal away the feeling of blah!", roller skates a love heart with sharp lines of different angles inside it and similar lines surrounding it)

3/12/10

Still feel like its a bad depression episode. My head is in an ok place but I have all the physical symptoms. Im tired and I dont care anymore. Fuck off world and leave me in peace.