So I have 3 knifes that I talk about:
THE knife - the one I was going to use to stab myself that Thursday night, its huge!!
the OTHER knife - is the next one down in size in the knife set, I hate this one....its just like THE knife, just not as big
and my normal knife - is the next one down again in the knife set. Its my size...not too big, not too small, my favorite!
Day 1
11/5/10
Had a session with R this morning and she asked if there was anything I'd like to talk about or go through. I said that I should start dealing with THE knife. So as we spoke about it I started having a huge anxiety attack, I got all jittery, heart was racing, my thoughts were racing, I started shaking my head like I was trying to get the image of it out of my head. I started hitting my chest and scratching my neck. I eventually calmed down a little and we then continued talking about it. We made a 'no length' plan.
So my homework for the week was to put the knife somewhere where I see it all the time. So I had Nath put it on the magnetic strip up near the stove. I felt ok while cooking dinner but I was busy and didnt have time to think about it even being there. Later when noone was around though I was really anxious.
Day 2
12/5/10
Felt ok with the knife being there this morning when I was making a cuppa and toast but I didnt look at it. Later in the morning I looked at it and was tempted to pick it up. I used the OTHER knife to chop veggies - anxiety attack big time!! Felt spewy for hours afterwards. What a stupid idea that was, I should have just stuck to my normal knife. Put when I cleaned up the kitchen I managed to put it in the dishwasher, then shook my hands to get the feeling of it off my hands. I reckon I was a little too confident today, oh well.
Day 3
13/5/10
(Bible study pissed me off this morning to the point of anxiety attack - it was on God being our guardian and whether we know he is with us during hard times. If I write everything down Ill end up having another anxiety attack.). I held THE knife up to the computer screen tonight pretending to show Borgy. Felt quite squeamish but soon got my mind off it. I just feel so tired and drained from today's efforts at surviving and fights / arguments with A in my head. I just wanna give it to him, or is it J?
Day 4
14/5/10
I only looked at the knife once and got the shivers today. I made a cuppa easily and even stood there while the kettle boiled. By the end of the night though when Nath was having a sleep before work and all the kids were in bed, I couldn't even make a cuppa by myself or even walk past it. Actually come to think of it, I rarely walk through the kitchen now, I go the 'long way round'.
Day 5
15/5/10
Nath suggested that I could use THE knife to cut up the lettuce. I couldn't even answer him, I just kept shaking my head and saying 'nope nope nope nope nope nope nope'. There is just no way that I could use it. I had 'The Fray' playing in the car today - reminds me of being in Mirrabook, driving over the bridge today did too, everything I saw, heard, thought, smelt reminded me of hospital. Why??? Sitting in the sun did, just being in the car did, in the sun....everything!! Crazy!!
Day 6
16/5/10
I feel like Im ready for the next step today. I really wish I could just use either one of the knives and have no worries. Oh, Ally had a baby boy the other day - Samuel! Hope she is ok. gee I worry about her!!
Day 9
19/5/10
Feeling good at the moment. I picked THE knife up and put it in the dishwasher 'cos Nath had used it - Nath loves using it!! As soon as I picked it up I got a massive pain in my chest - right where i would have put it through too :(
Day 10
20/5/10
I held THE knife with no problems for about 10-15 seconds until I focused on the top - felt that pain in my chest again, same spot too - straight over my heart. I had to put it down, even now I feel the pain in my chest just from thinking about it. I know the whole idea of systematic desensitisation is to stay in that anxious moment until I can calm myself down - so I should have focused on the tip, had the anxiety attack and then once I had calmed down, put it down and be finished with it.
Day 11
21/5/10
This week has been such a shitty depression week. I have felt so down, so unmotivated. I have given up on all care of myself and things. I had no issues with THE knife there today. Didnt look at it either, or touch it lol. To tell you the truth, Nath put the washing up away and put it back in the knife block.....Im not moving it, no way!!
Day 12
22/5/10
THE knife is in the knife block so I haven't thought of it today, not one single bit - until i went to get the normal knife out to cut up veggies....then it was a quick removal as I didnt even want to accidentally touch it. Maybe I should get it out of the knife block. Its been 10mths since A's status about the teenage suicides in Melbourne. I wish I could talk to them. Im afraid of ringing them, messaging them, emailing them....anything them!
Day 17
27/5/10
I used the OTHER knife to cut the veggies tonight with no problems. Felt good! Also didnt get a massive chest pain looking at THE knife the last 2 days either.
Day 21
31/5/10
THE knife and the OTHER knife are still above the stove and I dont notice them that much. I can walk through the kitchen during the day without too much drama, but usually Im that busy that I dont even think about them until I go to make dinner or a cuppa once everyone is asleep. I saw Karen in IMB today, her eldest Thomas is being bullied at school, severely bullied!! He has lost all motivation for anything. He has to have depression and when it was brought with with the deputy principal his first question was why was his school work getting worse?? And not about the actual bullying. He sounds more interested in school work than dealing with the bullying - which is pretty darn normal for that school, or any school! So much for a no tolerance for bullying! I really hope he is ok!!
Day 23
2/6/10
I haven't used the knives, haven't had any ideations either. Felt good :) Still avoiding a certain person - like at the eisteddfod today, I saw her and hid before she could see me. Dont really wanna go to bible study 2mrw either. Ive felt like there has been a real harsh attitude towards me lately, Trina has noticed it too. I want to avoid them all!!!!! But I want to go and let them know in a slight way that a 'friend' hurt me with a few things that were said towards me....Wonder if anyone will switch on?? I just feel like I dont fit in with them anymore.
Day 24
3/6/10
Well I went to bible study (I know!! Im a sucker for punishment hey!!) I just sat there....didnt say anything. I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling & Psychology. If I hook in Ill have it done by Christmas but seeing Im doing uni at the same time it will take a little longer, but I haven't up to 3yrs to complete it so Ill be fine. I know what my purpose is - teenagers with issues...will still do uni but this course will be good.
Day 31
10/6/10
The sound of the normal knife coming out of the block sent me into an anxiety attack today. Then talking about it to the girls made me all jittery! Shit!!!!!!
Day 34
13/6/10
Very anxious at Trina's this arvo, all those people around. Im in 'one of those moods' so dont piss me off!!
Day 35
14/6/10
Felt heaps shitty towards Nath again this morning. Dunno why, but I came good eventually. Walked across the bridge today - I was fine, didnt even think about it when we got to the section that I would drive off, although I did on the way home. But I was pretty busy with the kids - throwing sticks into the water.
Day whatever!
1/7/10
Well, Ive transferred to psychology. I went to enroll in my music and education units for the semester and once again got that 'what the hell am I thinking' thought. Im so sick of questioning my degree, so I thought bugger it!
Well, as you can tell, Ive kinda got over having to deal with THE and Other knives. To date (18/11/10) they are still on the magnetic strip above the stove. I can look at them but have only used the OTHER knife once or twice when my normal knife is in the wash. I have no need for THE knife....in reality, its soooo frigging big that its just a waste of a knife! I dont have any anxiety with them on the strip, actually its quite handy as there is no noise of them coming out against the wood of the knife block. Although, in saying that, the noise of them against metal / magnetic strip is a shocker!!
So Ill just keep on going with what I have in my journal.
7/8/10
Well today last year Joh took me up to casualty which means that last night 1yr ago I was going to stab myself with THE knife. What a year hey!! Im glad I didnt but I always wonder what if - what if I did go through with it - would I survive?? How would the kids and Nath be, my mum and dad, sister and brother, my grandparents, friends???? I feel ok knowing its been 1yr, actually I thought it was Monday but looked up the calendar for last year and it was today. I feel sleepy at the thought of it all and I dont want to let it get to me. I dont wanna get down cos I know I will plummet!! Life goes on!! Suck it up princess!!
Ally is out - she got discharged. They put her on efexor and seroquel, I intervened in her suicide plan! She wasn't swallowing her pills while she was in hospital and was storing them up so she could OD. Hope she is going ok at home. Im just about to go write her a letter.
I coped ok visiting her in Mirrabook. Everyone thought it would be a BAD idea for me to go up there and see her in person, especially in hospital but thats only cos they are all worried that it was going to drag me down into hell again. But it hasn't, Ive been so strong. her problem is not my problem in that regard. Yes she is my friend, yes Im her friend - and one of the only ones she has she can trust - but Im strong. Im bred tough mate :)
So talking to Colin about her stashing her pills was ok. I told her that as much as I understand her pain and agony, that I want it to stop for her, that I know suicide feels like the right thing to do that I am so far on the other side of it all and know that she is a fighter and a survivor (so far). She knew she shouldn't be storing them up but its something to focus on that might stop the pain. Plus, seriously, seroquel?? You need a damn good amount of it to have a successful suicidal OD.
The sun has set on another day
but today isn't just any day.
For a year ago my life
changed dramatically.
The dark clouds had swept
through my body,
and brought with it
the demons of hell.
The piercing that was to be,
the heavy chest that
was to bleed,
never occurred as destiny
had planned.
Predestination took me
to the wards.
The horizon is stronger
in light
the sun will rise
on another day
where I enter another
year of survival.
This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
update
17/11/10 ......Ive doing a fair amount of this blog lately huh!! Its only because uni has finished for the year so Im now study free, to a point - still have my diploma to finish off over summer. I have filled out my form to get a copy of my patient files but its been hiding under my massive washing pile. Its been raining for weeks on end so I haven't got to the end of it. Plus, I never go to the post office....Ill get there, promise.
I cannt wait to read it, would love to see what they say about me!! I wonder if Dr....um what letter did I give him??.....Dr Z Im pretty sure, yeah him, I wonder if his notes are in there too???? Hope so!
Anyway, Im soooo sick of waking up feeling like crap!! Seriously!! It takes like 3hrs for me to come good, I wake up each morning convinced its Sunday but then moments later I figure it out, damn! Its hump day today :( I hate hump day!!
So the next lot of blogs I do are from when I start dealing with THE knife with R. Might be able to put it up in 1 post here maybe 2 or 3. I was running out of pages in my journal so what I wrote was very minimal so Ill ellaborate on what the original. the only shop I can get my journal from is up at Shellharbour - an hour away - and because I cannt deal with having an odd coloured journal (even though it would have the same pattern on it), I wait til Im up there to get a new one.....or remind Em to get for me.
So til then....hooroo!
I cannt wait to read it, would love to see what they say about me!! I wonder if Dr....um what letter did I give him??.....Dr Z Im pretty sure, yeah him, I wonder if his notes are in there too???? Hope so!
Anyway, Im soooo sick of waking up feeling like crap!! Seriously!! It takes like 3hrs for me to come good, I wake up each morning convinced its Sunday but then moments later I figure it out, damn! Its hump day today :( I hate hump day!!
So the next lot of blogs I do are from when I start dealing with THE knife with R. Might be able to put it up in 1 post here maybe 2 or 3. I was running out of pages in my journal so what I wrote was very minimal so Ill ellaborate on what the original. the only shop I can get my journal from is up at Shellharbour - an hour away - and because I cannt deal with having an odd coloured journal (even though it would have the same pattern on it), I wait til Im up there to get a new one.....or remind Em to get for me.
So til then....hooroo!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
13/4/10 - 10/5/10
13/4/10
Felt better the last couple of days other than feeling run down - have a cold and feel like sleep hasn't happened.
Been getting back into looking at recipes for dinner and cooking bikkies, slices etc. Spose that is another past of me that is getting better.
22/4/10
Been having lots of anxiety attacks - the ones where my heart feels like it does crazy things.
Head has been in good places. Read that I need to fight the 'quick sand' feeling of depression. I think I can but not sure just how much I want to.
29/4/10
Dreams have been giving me the shits!! They constantly revolve around me struggling to choose between Nath and the kids and something I really want to do. They are seriously getting me down. I know R said I need to find something for me that I use to do, like go horse riding regularly. She said Ill end up going backwards big time if I dont start to do something. And it needs to be more than just having a cuppa by myself or with friends. I need to find a hobby.
I feel so drained from these dreams, I always choose Nath and the kids and eventually Im happy with the choice but its an emotional warfare and I wake up emotionally drained. I would never choose something instead of them. Strike, I chose life over suicide in reality. These dreams are seriously killing me! They are really giving me the heebeegeebee's!!
30/4/10
I work my ass off for uni and I only just pass!! WTF?? 16.5/30 I got for that assignment on epics vs ballads. I work so friggin' hard and I only just pass!!!! Seriously feel like absolute crap now. I want to give up everything. And not just uni, give up trying on everything. Life seriously sucks ass!!
5/5/10
Went for a massive walk into town today. There would have been no way I could have done that yesturday! I was so unmotivated yesturday. No energy, nothing!! I was struggling to do the bare minimum. Even today I could easily have done nothing but Bridie needed entertaining so she enjoyed the trip into town in the pram. I could have slept this arvo though and I fell asleep on the lounge at 9pm.
Im still avoiding Sarah huh! She rang this morning and I wish I hadn't answered as soon as I heard her voice! I couldn't get off the phone quick enough. Haven't caught up with Joh for a while. Bible study is still uneasy and I dont talk about depression or anything. I just nod and agree, dont bother voicing my opinion anymore! Whats the point?? I get shot down!!
Anyway, Im stuffed. Nighty night. xoxox
10/5/10
Went to the christian Equip conference on saturday. Was good to get out, be kid free. But sheez, Sydney - who on earth would want to live in that hell hole, stuck up moles everywhere ya turn hey!! I need to remember to escape into Gods word instead of fairy tale quick fixes. I need to be able to let god have control of my life but that big part of me doesn't want to. Part of me still wants to be angry at God and still is very much so, not feel god in my life or anything. I saw this book about not going through depression alone, that God is with you but thats the LAST thing I felt like hearing or reading. It was good going but so much of me is still so angry and not wanting to give God any satisfaction!!
I noticed tonight that A isn't on fb anymore. Wonder why? Has J been in his ear again cos she's deleted her profile too??
Felt better the last couple of days other than feeling run down - have a cold and feel like sleep hasn't happened.
Been getting back into looking at recipes for dinner and cooking bikkies, slices etc. Spose that is another past of me that is getting better.
22/4/10
Been having lots of anxiety attacks - the ones where my heart feels like it does crazy things.
Head has been in good places. Read that I need to fight the 'quick sand' feeling of depression. I think I can but not sure just how much I want to.
29/4/10
Dreams have been giving me the shits!! They constantly revolve around me struggling to choose between Nath and the kids and something I really want to do. They are seriously getting me down. I know R said I need to find something for me that I use to do, like go horse riding regularly. She said Ill end up going backwards big time if I dont start to do something. And it needs to be more than just having a cuppa by myself or with friends. I need to find a hobby.
I feel so drained from these dreams, I always choose Nath and the kids and eventually Im happy with the choice but its an emotional warfare and I wake up emotionally drained. I would never choose something instead of them. Strike, I chose life over suicide in reality. These dreams are seriously killing me! They are really giving me the heebeegeebee's!!
30/4/10
I work my ass off for uni and I only just pass!! WTF?? 16.5/30 I got for that assignment on epics vs ballads. I work so friggin' hard and I only just pass!!!! Seriously feel like absolute crap now. I want to give up everything. And not just uni, give up trying on everything. Life seriously sucks ass!!
5/5/10
Went for a massive walk into town today. There would have been no way I could have done that yesturday! I was so unmotivated yesturday. No energy, nothing!! I was struggling to do the bare minimum. Even today I could easily have done nothing but Bridie needed entertaining so she enjoyed the trip into town in the pram. I could have slept this arvo though and I fell asleep on the lounge at 9pm.
Im still avoiding Sarah huh! She rang this morning and I wish I hadn't answered as soon as I heard her voice! I couldn't get off the phone quick enough. Haven't caught up with Joh for a while. Bible study is still uneasy and I dont talk about depression or anything. I just nod and agree, dont bother voicing my opinion anymore! Whats the point?? I get shot down!!
Anyway, Im stuffed. Nighty night. xoxox
10/5/10
Went to the christian Equip conference on saturday. Was good to get out, be kid free. But sheez, Sydney - who on earth would want to live in that hell hole, stuck up moles everywhere ya turn hey!! I need to remember to escape into Gods word instead of fairy tale quick fixes. I need to be able to let god have control of my life but that big part of me doesn't want to. Part of me still wants to be angry at God and still is very much so, not feel god in my life or anything. I saw this book about not going through depression alone, that God is with you but thats the LAST thing I felt like hearing or reading. It was good going but so much of me is still so angry and not wanting to give God any satisfaction!!
I noticed tonight that A isn't on fb anymore. Wonder why? Has J been in his ear again cos she's deleted her profile too??
Monday, November 15, 2010
30/1/10 - 9/4/10
30/1/10
Watched 'My Sisters Keeper' tonight. Didnt cry, again! But what ticks me off now is that its acceptable for people to die from cancer etc but not from depression. Sure, people with cancer try to treat it but if they die then people can understand it, its a reason why but depression isn't like that. Why does death have to affect everyone that is left behind? Why do I have kids? Why cannt I have no family or friends? Why do I have people here that care? Or need me? Why??
5/2/10
Seroquel has been changed to a slow release which I loooove!! It takes about 4hrs to kick in and it kicks in slowly and I wake up less train - wrecked the next day! I still feel sedated but I can still function, not like the normal one where its spot on 60min after taking it that I hit a wall and collapse in a sedated heap. Remember the day Zeke came up and I passed out on the lounge?? Nath said to not worry about me....Ill come good in 8hrs. What a crack up!!
Psychiatrist said efexor has done a lot but not everything as I still have suicidal thoughts but they are intrusive now and not intentional like they were before.
I wanna know where I stand with BPD. How bad do I have it? How do I have it - is it my view on relationships? Is it my perception on things? Is it the compulsive thoughts? How do I distinguish between BPD, depression and PTSD??
8/3/10
Well, I started uni again which feels good. I sat and managed to play Rachmaninoff (well, most of it anyway) so the next day I enrolled. I haven't felt like I need to pull out, so that is a good sign. I haven't played the piano since hospital those few times and before that was October 08.
Psychiatrist has said I have OCD as well, not badly that it affects my life every day, but its definitely there and probably exacerbated by the depression (which she said I still have severely)
And Ive got dreads!!! Yay!! And the AC/DC concert rocked!!!!!
I went to bible study last week and it was on the holy spirit. I could have really given to them hey! They have no idea what its like to be suicidal and not feel 'His presence' like you are possessed by satan or something. I had THE biggest anxiety attack all day. I was nervous with going and then all the wishy washy chitchat shit. i couldn't shake it afterwards. Friday and Saturday were shockers and I still feel like shit and anxious!! How the fuck does an anxiety attack last for 3 days without rest??? So Ive emailed Joh and told her just how hard it was and that I dont think Ill go again, not for a long time anyway. I cannt do that to myself every week just because someone thinks I should go! Just for appearance sake!! Until I can sort it out myself in my head I cannt listen to all the talk like 'oh all we have to do is read the bible and pray and everything will be ok' - what a load of fucking bullshit!!
Bridie and Jonty both have had their birthdays. I still cannt believe that I was going to top myself and not be here for them. I cannt understand it! Even though its me!! How selfish was I going to be huh!! I had talked myself into believing that they would be ok, but they wouldn't be would they?? I talk to Borgy most nights on fb - his mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was little. it almost ruined his life, made his childhood extremely difficult. And I know its different circumstances but hearing how he talks not having his mother around really makes me wanna kill myself for being such a selfish little shit!! go figure!! I hate myself for it, HATE MYSELF!!!!! I couldn't do that to my kids!! My kids are everything to me, they are what is keeping my alive and have kept me alive. All those times where suicide was only seconds away, it was THEM I was thinking of...they are what got me through!!!! I must have been in a very dark deep and horrid depression stage to think what I had! I had told myself enough that they would be ok, I imagined their birthdays, school events, weddings, their babies and all along I KNEW they were going to be ok, eventually. I look back and think that for whatever reason Bridie was in the car that day, she saved my life! If I had not looked in the rear vision mirror to see if a car was coming up the side of me, if I had not seen her smiling back at me, then i would have gone over the bridge and suicided!! That night on fb talking to Joh and A and then on the phone to A, for whatever reason he was online that night instead of sleeping on his night off, he saved my life too. And joh taking me to casualty the next day and then Maja taking me to Comm Health and then casualty as well. I look back and wish nath and I had a better relationship that he understood me and that I could talk to him, but its made our relationship sooooo much better!! But then, how can I wish that with Nath when I didnt even 'go there' with myself??
28/3/10
7/4/10
Been camping the past week around the snowies. It was good but wasn't the greatest. I had to stretch efexor to last the week cos I forgot to fill my script! I feel really tired though - I dream of sleeping, thats how tired I am! I dream of dreaming....
I think its cos Im so tired that I feel so anxious, could also be that my body is withdrawing from efexor. Should be taking seroquel too but its been atleast a week, I cannt go that long without it....the only reason why I haven't been taking it is cos we've been camping and camping means rum and rum means lotsa rum at night once the kids are in bed. Ive even had thoughts of scratching my arm tonight with the tweezers. I just want to do ANYTHING that will hurt me!! I dont know why, I just want to and Im pissed off cos I cannt. If I do that means lectures off Nath and Mum and Em....seriously cannt handle another lecture off them. If I do it then dont tell me...I know I shouldn't but I just dont care!!
9/4/10
Im sooo over fighting my weight. Ive worked my butt off knowing that my meds will make me put it on and crave carbs and Ive got nowhere!! So since Ive stopped doing so much exercise Ive put on 2.5kg. I want to lose weight but Im so over fighting it and not getting anywhere. Ive been fighting so hard and Im just losing an impossible battle.
I feel so frustrated and upset. I hate my body. I dont want to be far but Ive no fight left in me!
10/4/10
Haven't taken too much efexor lately. Mostly every 2nd day. Ive been thinking lately of taking lots of ventolin to ease my anxiety. I know its bad for me...yada yada yada...but i dont care in a way. I keep trying to tell nath Im ok and in a way I am - I think mostly its the whole weight issues that is bugging me. He keeps telling me not to worry about it but I am! he would rather me fat and happy then skinny and unwell.
Am I suicidal? Im always suicidal. Is there intent? No, no planning anyway. The thoughts are intrusive but in a way I do want them there, I dunno, I dont get it. Maybe its cos I like thinking it. I feel safe with those thoughts. I feel 'normal'. Its almost like its a fantasy, dreaming it up but knowing its not real. Kinda like a day dream, just never get the chance to think deeply about it, except tonight. Im tired as hey! And Im thinking heaps about just crap that I think of but part of my brain has gone into protective mode and not letting me fully process things. I just wanna get it out of my system - stupid brain!!
And why is it that Ive always felt a connection to people who have suicided or had such bad depression?? Like that guy from church, Mark Priestly ('Dan' from All Saints tv show) and Charmaine Dragun. She was on efexor too at the time of her suicide. Ive ALWAYS felt close in a way to people who suffer severe depression and loooooove reading over and over and over and over again the stories of peoples suicides.
Well. turning lights off now. Fingers crossed I sleep. Must be due for a seroquel one of these nights when i remember to take it. Thats the only problem with the slow release - i cannt take it this late at night, otherwise ill still be smashed at lunchtime tomorrow!! Might suck a normal one down...might not....just og to bed and cross my fingers hey!!
Watched 'My Sisters Keeper' tonight. Didnt cry, again! But what ticks me off now is that its acceptable for people to die from cancer etc but not from depression. Sure, people with cancer try to treat it but if they die then people can understand it, its a reason why but depression isn't like that. Why does death have to affect everyone that is left behind? Why do I have kids? Why cannt I have no family or friends? Why do I have people here that care? Or need me? Why??
5/2/10
Seroquel has been changed to a slow release which I loooove!! It takes about 4hrs to kick in and it kicks in slowly and I wake up less train - wrecked the next day! I still feel sedated but I can still function, not like the normal one where its spot on 60min after taking it that I hit a wall and collapse in a sedated heap. Remember the day Zeke came up and I passed out on the lounge?? Nath said to not worry about me....Ill come good in 8hrs. What a crack up!!
Psychiatrist said efexor has done a lot but not everything as I still have suicidal thoughts but they are intrusive now and not intentional like they were before.
I wanna know where I stand with BPD. How bad do I have it? How do I have it - is it my view on relationships? Is it my perception on things? Is it the compulsive thoughts? How do I distinguish between BPD, depression and PTSD??
8/3/10
Well, I started uni again which feels good. I sat and managed to play Rachmaninoff (well, most of it anyway) so the next day I enrolled. I haven't felt like I need to pull out, so that is a good sign. I haven't played the piano since hospital those few times and before that was October 08.
Psychiatrist has said I have OCD as well, not badly that it affects my life every day, but its definitely there and probably exacerbated by the depression (which she said I still have severely)
And Ive got dreads!!! Yay!! And the AC/DC concert rocked!!!!!
I went to bible study last week and it was on the holy spirit. I could have really given to them hey! They have no idea what its like to be suicidal and not feel 'His presence' like you are possessed by satan or something. I had THE biggest anxiety attack all day. I was nervous with going and then all the wishy washy chitchat shit. i couldn't shake it afterwards. Friday and Saturday were shockers and I still feel like shit and anxious!! How the fuck does an anxiety attack last for 3 days without rest??? So Ive emailed Joh and told her just how hard it was and that I dont think Ill go again, not for a long time anyway. I cannt do that to myself every week just because someone thinks I should go! Just for appearance sake!! Until I can sort it out myself in my head I cannt listen to all the talk like 'oh all we have to do is read the bible and pray and everything will be ok' - what a load of fucking bullshit!!
Bridie and Jonty both have had their birthdays. I still cannt believe that I was going to top myself and not be here for them. I cannt understand it! Even though its me!! How selfish was I going to be huh!! I had talked myself into believing that they would be ok, but they wouldn't be would they?? I talk to Borgy most nights on fb - his mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was little. it almost ruined his life, made his childhood extremely difficult. And I know its different circumstances but hearing how he talks not having his mother around really makes me wanna kill myself for being such a selfish little shit!! go figure!! I hate myself for it, HATE MYSELF!!!!! I couldn't do that to my kids!! My kids are everything to me, they are what is keeping my alive and have kept me alive. All those times where suicide was only seconds away, it was THEM I was thinking of...they are what got me through!!!! I must have been in a very dark deep and horrid depression stage to think what I had! I had told myself enough that they would be ok, I imagined their birthdays, school events, weddings, their babies and all along I KNEW they were going to be ok, eventually. I look back and think that for whatever reason Bridie was in the car that day, she saved my life! If I had not looked in the rear vision mirror to see if a car was coming up the side of me, if I had not seen her smiling back at me, then i would have gone over the bridge and suicided!! That night on fb talking to Joh and A and then on the phone to A, for whatever reason he was online that night instead of sleeping on his night off, he saved my life too. And joh taking me to casualty the next day and then Maja taking me to Comm Health and then casualty as well. I look back and wish nath and I had a better relationship that he understood me and that I could talk to him, but its made our relationship sooooo much better!! But then, how can I wish that with Nath when I didnt even 'go there' with myself??
28/3/10
Been having all these dreams of wanting to buy grog but getting really angry because I have to keep the money for bills or to pay for Kasey's swimming lessons. R said its me wanting to do stuff for me but have to deal with sensibilities and the constant fight I have within myself. So over the next few weeks (cos now I see her every 3 weeks instead of weekly or fortnightly!!!) I have to make some time for stuff that gives me that feeling of 'freedom' - a slice of time of independence, a little bit more 'Laura time'.
On a day to day basis I feel pretty good lately. the anxiety has dropped a bit and I can cope heaps better than 3mths ago. I wonder if uni has anything to do with it?? Im so busy with that I have no time to think, to sit and analyse, to contemplate.
Ive been doing lots of talking with R on friendships and especially about Sarah**. She made me realise that the way Sarah responds to me is the same way she responds to pretty much everyone else. So my project 3wks ago was to go to bible study and just observe how everyone interacted with each other - not judge them, just observe. Shit it was fun!! If you just sit back and watch how people react to different stimuli its hilariously great viewing!!
The week before I had gone to bible study and Sarah had said a few comments that really pissed me off. And I know Im not smart in all this stuff but I know when something is wrong theologically! Then trying to explain that when you are about to commit suicide that the 'spirit' of god is not in you because you really feel like you are possessed by some evil dark force. I know it sounds all wishy shit from a far off land but its seriously true. Your being is taken over by something dark and possessive, something not right! It felt like they all ganged up on me and were trying to tell me that I was wrong - fuck the lotta ya's hey! How dare they! How would they know what its like to be in that position?? How would they know unless they have been there before??? I vowed to NOT return! But R convinced me otherwise, that I should catch up with them and observe, so I did.
Maja and I were talking about it the next week so the next day at bible study (yes, this stupid low life returned!) we gave real sly hints to Sarah (and to the others) that she doesn't understand depression and life with addictions and issues. People with no life experience should NOT tell others what they should or should not be thinking and feeling about things.
I could quite easily not talk to her ever ever ever again. I could quite easily not see her again, but why do I?? Maybe 'cos I dont have to heart to treat a 'friend' like that.
Been wondering too lately what J and A have been up to. Do they still talk about me like they said they did 8mths ago?? Do they still think we have that connectedness A said we had because of his hand in helping me and me talking ot him??? I think about them DAILY! What they are up to, where J would be up to with uni work, what the kids are doing today - is it tennis day, not cricket now I guess, or little missy's piano lessons???
I still think about hospital too - daily! I look at the clock and remember what I would have been doing back then. And even though I remember it daily, it feels like a distant memory. Like a dream that never happened in reality, it feels fake, a nightmare etc.
I question myself about just how bad I was, how deep I got into depression. Was I really THAT suicidal? And I feel like I dont undersand how hard it was to keep living each day when I read back through my journals. I can remember where I was when I wrote stuff too, what song I was listening to, the clothes I was wearing, the weather, whether it was the day i was going to kick the living shit out of that guy that pissed me off.
Have re-visited stuff about Stephen too with R. It was a very indepth sesh, lots of memories brought up, lots of anger. It was good, I realised that since I was about 10 or so yrs old ive used a substance to control my moods, from ventolin, then nothing (yr 11 & 12 - 1998/9) where I was VERY suicidal and depressed, then alcohol for a few yrs (oh how blissful that was, god I miss it!!) then while prega's and breastfeeding Ive been depressed or just coping in a majorly fake way. And everytime I haven't been prega's Ive drunk like crazy for a couple of weeks / months and then...wammo....prega's again so back to the straight and narrow I go!!
My dreads are going ok, starting to look like proper dreads, finally.
Uni has stressed me out this week, trying to get the animation assignment to work properly, but Ive stayed strong and not let it ruin me or bring me down. Ive looked at my arm and had the passing though of cutting but its more like a memory of what it feels like to do it. I go through the motion of cutting, imagine every little bit of movement the scissors would do. And its good in a way - could do through with it physically, but Im not....thee is no action. Nice! (So they say!)
Went to 'boat harbour' up at Em's today - I kinda felt weird being there and it wasn't until I got outta the car that I realised why it felt weird. We went there the day before I got admitted. i knew I had been there before, just couldn't remember when !! I got the biggest flash backs, the suicidal feeling racing through my body again and then I got flashbacks of being at the boast harbour in shellharbour that I would visit with the kids if I had some sort of leave. The whole time down there today I felt like I was clouded with a black fog. I didnt want to swim, I wanted to go hide. But I didnt give the feelings much time or thought - just got on with what I had to do with the kids, just kept on looking after them, making sure they were safe, having fun etc....all that sorta mum stuff :)
** name change.
7/4/10
Been camping the past week around the snowies. It was good but wasn't the greatest. I had to stretch efexor to last the week cos I forgot to fill my script! I feel really tired though - I dream of sleeping, thats how tired I am! I dream of dreaming....
I think its cos Im so tired that I feel so anxious, could also be that my body is withdrawing from efexor. Should be taking seroquel too but its been atleast a week, I cannt go that long without it....the only reason why I haven't been taking it is cos we've been camping and camping means rum and rum means lotsa rum at night once the kids are in bed. Ive even had thoughts of scratching my arm tonight with the tweezers. I just want to do ANYTHING that will hurt me!! I dont know why, I just want to and Im pissed off cos I cannt. If I do that means lectures off Nath and Mum and Em....seriously cannt handle another lecture off them. If I do it then dont tell me...I know I shouldn't but I just dont care!!
9/4/10
Im sooo over fighting my weight. Ive worked my butt off knowing that my meds will make me put it on and crave carbs and Ive got nowhere!! So since Ive stopped doing so much exercise Ive put on 2.5kg. I want to lose weight but Im so over fighting it and not getting anywhere. Ive been fighting so hard and Im just losing an impossible battle.
I feel so frustrated and upset. I hate my body. I dont want to be far but Ive no fight left in me!
10/4/10
Haven't taken too much efexor lately. Mostly every 2nd day. Ive been thinking lately of taking lots of ventolin to ease my anxiety. I know its bad for me...yada yada yada...but i dont care in a way. I keep trying to tell nath Im ok and in a way I am - I think mostly its the whole weight issues that is bugging me. He keeps telling me not to worry about it but I am! he would rather me fat and happy then skinny and unwell.
Am I suicidal? Im always suicidal. Is there intent? No, no planning anyway. The thoughts are intrusive but in a way I do want them there, I dunno, I dont get it. Maybe its cos I like thinking it. I feel safe with those thoughts. I feel 'normal'. Its almost like its a fantasy, dreaming it up but knowing its not real. Kinda like a day dream, just never get the chance to think deeply about it, except tonight. Im tired as hey! And Im thinking heaps about just crap that I think of but part of my brain has gone into protective mode and not letting me fully process things. I just wanna get it out of my system - stupid brain!!
And why is it that Ive always felt a connection to people who have suicided or had such bad depression?? Like that guy from church, Mark Priestly ('Dan' from All Saints tv show) and Charmaine Dragun. She was on efexor too at the time of her suicide. Ive ALWAYS felt close in a way to people who suffer severe depression and loooooove reading over and over and over and over again the stories of peoples suicides.
Well. turning lights off now. Fingers crossed I sleep. Must be due for a seroquel one of these nights when i remember to take it. Thats the only problem with the slow release - i cannt take it this late at night, otherwise ill still be smashed at lunchtime tomorrow!! Might suck a normal one down...might not....just og to bed and cross my fingers hey!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
21 - 23 /1/10
21/1/10
Survived camping - wasn't too bad, so all those sessions with R were either for nothing or helped me calm my nerves. I had a few panicky moments but got through them as usual. Drank heaps the first few days. I hid at our camp site a fair bit. Only came out when i felt like it, although i would venture down to Joh's more than the others. Heaven forbid I actually go camping be miraculously 'cured'!!
Reading a book on BPD - I know Im searching for me, wanting dreads, getting a tatt, not knowing who I am etc. I want to know who I am. And the last few weeks of minimal eating and stack of exercise then for a while camping - eating like a pig - the excessive compulsions contribute to my discontinuity of my identity.
But what about the cutting I use to do? It wasn't remove tension like they say it is, although I guess it does - just that wasn't my motivation - it was to hurt myself and now all I want to do is hurt myself even more, I identify with myself by my scars on my arms.
22/1/10
Tonight while on facebook I saw J update her status - they are back from holidays - at bermagui! they didnt even let me know they were going there - its only a few hrs down the road from here! I woulda gone down for a day trip and met them somewhere, its not that far away - us country people are use to travelling long distances to get anywhere!! When I saw her status I had such a huge anxiety attack. Fair enough they may not have had the time but they could have atleast let me know they were going there...I feel so betrayed!! I feel like if they really did wanna catch up then they would have told me and maybe thought about catching up but there was nothing! NOTHING!! I replied to her and said that bermi isn't that far away from here. She said they were there for only 4 days! It hurts....really hurts!! Like really really fucking hurts!! All that talk about wanting to catch up etc is a load of bull shit!! Fuck off!! If I was that close to them then I would have told them I was close by. far out!! So I now understand why A responded the way he did when I got Noreen in hospital to ring him and talk to him about my day. He said he couldn't understand why I would ring him at all - wasn't questioning why Noreen was talking to him and not me....but WHY I would get in contact on the phone with him in the first place! Go firgure!! Messages etc were fine but a phone call to talk wasn't right??? Sure fire way of telling me to fuck off hey. He did something someone would do if they knew someone was suicidal but then he wanted to leave it there - nothing else!! and when he said we were friends for life was just all bull shit to make me feel good and special. It did make me feel that so it worked, but to then back off and not follow it through??!! And then to say 'we're busy, we have a lot on' is just the polite way of saying 'we're done with you please leave us alone'. Well fuck you both to hell!! I want to delete them from my life! Like I never knew them. Ive told them how much its hurts me but they dont care at all!! I meant all my words to them and would never treat anyone like they ended up treating me. How dare they screw me up like this!! They abandoned our friendship - thats what hurts the most. I thought sooooo highly of them, and I still do, they are the most unbelievable people I know but as friends....well, thats just wrong! Yeah we all get busy, fuck, we dont have to be a doctor and a mother of 3 studying full time to be busy!! And we all have our difficulties but sheez man, get over ya selves!! And if you take all my problems on board then how are you going to cope with clients telling you their problems all the time.....you had only met me once for goodness sake, its not as if Im a long life friend.
I was getting use to the idea of being abandoned until tonight......thanks! Funny how it only takes 1 sentence to bring someone crashing back down again. Now back to R to start all that therapy about them all over again!!
Secrets were told
in the depths of depression.
You were there when
I needed support
but when the time
came you pulled out,
without guilt or despair
of what your words
did to my already
sunken being.
So stay there in your
saddle, hope the
view is good.
Your so high you cannt
see the shattered heart
you left behind.
The friendship that was
is a friendship no more
to the shattered and failed
one left behind.
I still wonder how far Ive come from being discharged. I can cope because I have to cope. I breath because I have breath. Should I be taking something like seroquel to numb me out right now?? I reckon i should hey - to help stop the feeling that I some times get but I cannt, I wish that I could - Do I need to be admitted again?? No!! But I want to be normal, actually, I feel normal because this is normal for me!!
I dont deserve to feel any other way, for if I did then I wouldn't feel like this. i feel abandoned but the 2 people that I cherish the most. Friends are people who you invert in, not pull out of because it just gets too hard or it hits a little too close to home. Do they do this to their other friends who live close by?? I wonder!! Do they just not get it?? here I am going on and on and on about them again. they take up my entire journal!! I wanna go inside and delete her off my fb friends list and give her one last piece of my mind and just say 'fuck you'. Oh heaven forbid the doctors wife does something wrong! Oh no! cannt have that can we!!
If life is just sooo busy that you cannt make time for your friends then maybe you should look at yourself deep down and reassess things. Either that, or you were never a friend in the first place.
(Im not going to write anymore on this for it goes for another 2 pages and its causing huge anxiety for me as its just all too real still and feelings haven't changed all that much, but you get the idea of how pissed I was / am!! But I will write the last paragraph....)
Fuck you to hell, actually, no! Dont go to hell, I live there and I dont want you there every day to make me feel so incomplete!! So stay on your high horse princess and continue your lavish life! While I struggle with this they probably dont even give it a second thought - for him Im probably 'just another patient' and he has forgotten about me who he now doesn't have to deal with.
No stars no moon
only the street light
and the sounds of a
summers night
here on the concrete of
this haven called home.
Cars in the distance,
a purpose in their journey
but for some its a
mindless drive.
Not knowing where to go.
Some dance the night away.
Some let the night go
all on its own.
Rhythmic pulses
back and forth
yep, life itself is just that.
Theres no feeling for
some who have plenty
to live for
while the heart beats in
time with the clock.
Not a sound in the space
that has now been vacated.
I wish I never replied back to A's status back in July. I wish I didnt have though feeling re-emerge to remind me of just how satanic I use to feel back at Bomo high. Noone wanted to help me back them and now when someone does help, they dont continue the help through to the end. I could have continued life without the pain, the numbness, the ignorance to my being. Life was fine and now it has been shattered.
I still have my beautiful family and thats all I need but i also need to be respected by friends.
Why am i so hung up on them?????? Why cannt I just forget them???? I want to but theres that uncertainty - I want them to start caring! To say sorry for the pain they made me feel that day when J said no more - that would be a start!!
Here I am
living in a prison
but the prison is kind.
the prison is my life line,
It contains my creations,
mu love and my will to go on.
But the walls are too high
to get to the exercise yard.
To stretch my being
to find who I am,
to relieve myself of
the torture within.
It is invisible like
snow under an avalanches
destruction.
I love my prison
but want to escape from
my barricaded cell.
There's no need to keep writing tonight....
23/1/10
I was interrupted by Jonty last night - probably a good thing though...i could have kept on whinging! Checked fb before going to bed. A messaged me, told me they were home from holidays. He didnt realise I had been diagnosed with BPD as well as the depression and told me that he had NOT abandoned me - that he was still there.
I went to bed feeling relieved and calm. I'd told him that I had given my journal an absolute thrashing.
Survived camping - wasn't too bad, so all those sessions with R were either for nothing or helped me calm my nerves. I had a few panicky moments but got through them as usual. Drank heaps the first few days. I hid at our camp site a fair bit. Only came out when i felt like it, although i would venture down to Joh's more than the others. Heaven forbid I actually go camping be miraculously 'cured'!!
Reading a book on BPD - I know Im searching for me, wanting dreads, getting a tatt, not knowing who I am etc. I want to know who I am. And the last few weeks of minimal eating and stack of exercise then for a while camping - eating like a pig - the excessive compulsions contribute to my discontinuity of my identity.
But what about the cutting I use to do? It wasn't remove tension like they say it is, although I guess it does - just that wasn't my motivation - it was to hurt myself and now all I want to do is hurt myself even more, I identify with myself by my scars on my arms.
22/1/10
Tonight while on facebook I saw J update her status - they are back from holidays - at bermagui! they didnt even let me know they were going there - its only a few hrs down the road from here! I woulda gone down for a day trip and met them somewhere, its not that far away - us country people are use to travelling long distances to get anywhere!! When I saw her status I had such a huge anxiety attack. Fair enough they may not have had the time but they could have atleast let me know they were going there...I feel so betrayed!! I feel like if they really did wanna catch up then they would have told me and maybe thought about catching up but there was nothing! NOTHING!! I replied to her and said that bermi isn't that far away from here. She said they were there for only 4 days! It hurts....really hurts!! Like really really fucking hurts!! All that talk about wanting to catch up etc is a load of bull shit!! Fuck off!! If I was that close to them then I would have told them I was close by. far out!! So I now understand why A responded the way he did when I got Noreen in hospital to ring him and talk to him about my day. He said he couldn't understand why I would ring him at all - wasn't questioning why Noreen was talking to him and not me....but WHY I would get in contact on the phone with him in the first place! Go firgure!! Messages etc were fine but a phone call to talk wasn't right??? Sure fire way of telling me to fuck off hey. He did something someone would do if they knew someone was suicidal but then he wanted to leave it there - nothing else!! and when he said we were friends for life was just all bull shit to make me feel good and special. It did make me feel that so it worked, but to then back off and not follow it through??!! And then to say 'we're busy, we have a lot on' is just the polite way of saying 'we're done with you please leave us alone'. Well fuck you both to hell!! I want to delete them from my life! Like I never knew them. Ive told them how much its hurts me but they dont care at all!! I meant all my words to them and would never treat anyone like they ended up treating me. How dare they screw me up like this!! They abandoned our friendship - thats what hurts the most. I thought sooooo highly of them, and I still do, they are the most unbelievable people I know but as friends....well, thats just wrong! Yeah we all get busy, fuck, we dont have to be a doctor and a mother of 3 studying full time to be busy!! And we all have our difficulties but sheez man, get over ya selves!! And if you take all my problems on board then how are you going to cope with clients telling you their problems all the time.....you had only met me once for goodness sake, its not as if Im a long life friend.
I was getting use to the idea of being abandoned until tonight......thanks! Funny how it only takes 1 sentence to bring someone crashing back down again. Now back to R to start all that therapy about them all over again!!
Secrets were told
in the depths of depression.
You were there when
I needed support
but when the time
came you pulled out,
without guilt or despair
of what your words
did to my already
sunken being.
So stay there in your
saddle, hope the
view is good.
Your so high you cannt
see the shattered heart
you left behind.
The friendship that was
is a friendship no more
to the shattered and failed
one left behind.
I still wonder how far Ive come from being discharged. I can cope because I have to cope. I breath because I have breath. Should I be taking something like seroquel to numb me out right now?? I reckon i should hey - to help stop the feeling that I some times get but I cannt, I wish that I could - Do I need to be admitted again?? No!! But I want to be normal, actually, I feel normal because this is normal for me!!
I dont deserve to feel any other way, for if I did then I wouldn't feel like this. i feel abandoned but the 2 people that I cherish the most. Friends are people who you invert in, not pull out of because it just gets too hard or it hits a little too close to home. Do they do this to their other friends who live close by?? I wonder!! Do they just not get it?? here I am going on and on and on about them again. they take up my entire journal!! I wanna go inside and delete her off my fb friends list and give her one last piece of my mind and just say 'fuck you'. Oh heaven forbid the doctors wife does something wrong! Oh no! cannt have that can we!!
If life is just sooo busy that you cannt make time for your friends then maybe you should look at yourself deep down and reassess things. Either that, or you were never a friend in the first place.
(Im not going to write anymore on this for it goes for another 2 pages and its causing huge anxiety for me as its just all too real still and feelings haven't changed all that much, but you get the idea of how pissed I was / am!! But I will write the last paragraph....)
Fuck you to hell, actually, no! Dont go to hell, I live there and I dont want you there every day to make me feel so incomplete!! So stay on your high horse princess and continue your lavish life! While I struggle with this they probably dont even give it a second thought - for him Im probably 'just another patient' and he has forgotten about me who he now doesn't have to deal with.
No stars no moon
only the street light
and the sounds of a
summers night
here on the concrete of
this haven called home.
Cars in the distance,
a purpose in their journey
but for some its a
mindless drive.
Not knowing where to go.
Some dance the night away.
Some let the night go
all on its own.
Rhythmic pulses
back and forth
yep, life itself is just that.
Theres no feeling for
some who have plenty
to live for
while the heart beats in
time with the clock.
Not a sound in the space
that has now been vacated.
I wish I never replied back to A's status back in July. I wish I didnt have though feeling re-emerge to remind me of just how satanic I use to feel back at Bomo high. Noone wanted to help me back them and now when someone does help, they dont continue the help through to the end. I could have continued life without the pain, the numbness, the ignorance to my being. Life was fine and now it has been shattered.
I still have my beautiful family and thats all I need but i also need to be respected by friends.
Why am i so hung up on them?????? Why cannt I just forget them???? I want to but theres that uncertainty - I want them to start caring! To say sorry for the pain they made me feel that day when J said no more - that would be a start!!
Here I am
living in a prison
but the prison is kind.
the prison is my life line,
It contains my creations,
mu love and my will to go on.
But the walls are too high
to get to the exercise yard.
To stretch my being
to find who I am,
to relieve myself of
the torture within.
It is invisible like
snow under an avalanches
destruction.
I love my prison
but want to escape from
my barricaded cell.
There's no need to keep writing tonight....
23/1/10
I was interrupted by Jonty last night - probably a good thing though...i could have kept on whinging! Checked fb before going to bed. A messaged me, told me they were home from holidays. He didnt realise I had been diagnosed with BPD as well as the depression and told me that he had NOT abandoned me - that he was still there.
I went to bed feeling relieved and calm. I'd told him that I had given my journal an absolute thrashing.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
1/1/10 - 9/2/10
1/1/10
Well, 2010 is here...not even 1 minute into it the new year.
What a year 09 has been hey. The only good things for me were seeing Kasey off to school and Bridie joining our family a few days later. But from June / July onwards it just fell to pieces.
Am I brave enough to feel strong and show it? Im scared of what the year may bring, yet really, its just another day after another day isn't it?!
I love my kids !!
As we say goodbye
to a year that became
an enemy
we bring in a new one,
Its not far, its here.
The sky is clear
my heart feels heavy,
the wind has escaped
yet not my fears with it.
To stand firm in this
new year ahead
is something I know
I can do.
A tear is shed
not seen on my face,
for the lives lost in
the year that has past.
For mine was to be
one of them
in the stats.
Yet a friends stood
by me, brought me
through the night.
So heres to a new year
may you be kind for once.
I lay in my bed
with my baby next to me
and wonder why I was
nearly so stupid.
I dont understand
myself,
how I got so low
to nearly end it all.
But to still be breathing,
I ask myself
over and over, why, why, why.
Who would hold them
read to them
cuddle them
dry their tears
remind them of who they are.
They almost had a chance
to hate me,
to forget me.
Never again
shall I come that close again.
2/1/10
Felt a bit more with it today, but I still feel like fading away. I want this darkness to end now but still have my life - I want to be with my family but suicide the pain away.
Been doing lots of exercise on the wii. It feels good. Just need to go back to controlling the food so I can lose weight.
The clouds cover the stars
even the lightning has
limited energy to show
us her presence.
The tear drops fall
from the angels above
as the day yields to this night;
sun setting low.
There is a stillness to grasp
if you stretch out your hand.
But alas its just out of reach.
The mist up yonder
the haze that is near
smothers your soul,
making your walk harder to bare.
Its a night of darkness
reflecting my thoughts
as I reach for the low
setting sun.
3/1/10
Had a few tears tonight over feeling lost with J and A. Haven't had an email off them without me initiating one. i feel hurt still. Why does their opinion matter so much though? Why does their friendship matter so much?? Why cannt I move on?? Why cannt they just send me a message to say hi!?!
I want to do things that will put me at risk, I wish i had not lived, wish it wouldn't affect anyone if I died. Why did A have to intervene that night? Why????????
The embarrassment of not knowing.
The nervousness under my skin.
The awkward look in her eyes.
As she sees her reflection
in the water below.
A face so familiar
yet there appears to be
something amiss.
Nauseating silence conceals
her soul,
whispering secrets to
the few melodious sounds.
The dark, drab eyes,
no sparkle within
look beyond to the depths
of the water,
searching for that jewel
that was once looking back.
Puzzled and confused
she stands a trembling stance
to continue her search
until the jewel returns.
Quietly she mourns
Quietly she yells
As she looks through the screen
to look at her friends
Mumbling sounds
Mumbling silence
As she disturbs the peace
4/2/10
I think Ive found who I feel most comfortable being - the girl I use to be - the one who loved the music by Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana...all that depressing music! Maybe because I was that dark person for so long. But is that me? But Im the country souled girl, who loves the desert. The drinking, the not taking care of myself, being crazy! If I get dreads its like Im officially where I was as a teenager. Its confirmed. I comfortable being there because thats what I was for so long. I feel like Ive spent almost all of my known life in a dark place and its like i want to go back there but I know where that will lead - a very dark hell, just like I feel like I am now, really.
Who am I?
I wanna be:
lost and insecure,
found laying there,
wrapped like a baby.
There I was,
Here I am.
Theres no way of telling.
Telling theres no way.
The years come and go,
the hours pass
yest time stands still.
Who am I?
Who do I wanna be?
Its easier said than done
Its easier said than done.
I, Laura Barnes, declare that in the case of my death, for Dave Borg to receive my heart and both my lungs if viable.
Signed, Laura, Kate Barnes
Friday 8th January 2010.
My mate Dave needs a new heart and lungs. at the moment he has fluid build up around them and has had to have his fluid intake reduced to 1500mls per day because of it. And its a struggle in this heat that they are having right now.
He is my reminder of keeping my chin up and a smile on my dial.
I sit and breath
as a candle flickers its light.
As still as a mountain,
breathing like the gentle breeze,
I give myself up
I give in to the temptation.
I cannot fight this urge,
The floor boards creak
as foot steps approach,
and still the candle continues to burn.
Rising and falling
the breathing
is motionless.
the clock is ticking
reminding me to keep going.
The candle burns
as foot steps leave,
as an insect finds a new home.
Yet I sit and disappear
into the world so inviting.
The candle no longer burns
and the day goes on.
Today I feel:
unmotivated, anxious, jittery, wanting to hide, like Ive been faking it.
9/2/10
Ok today till this arvo and the shakeys kicked in. Was very quiet and not talking much to Nath. He knows Im anxious about going camping with everyone.
i know I need to take more care of myself and respect myself but I feel crap and dont think I deserve to feel good. I just want to be left alone and die in peace yet I want to be a great mum for my kids. I dont want them growing up without me and not remembering me.
'Our days are numbered'
the old man would say.
His hat seen many a summer,
his skin seen as many suns.
The gleem in his eyes
could tell a tale of two,
but rarely a word muttered
from the mouth that just spoke.
Wish and forgiving,
his wrinkled hands shook,
a sign of his age,
of a life that was once lived.
few had spoken to this man,
yet all knew about him,
his adventured with cattle,
road trains and deserts.
There was something in
these words he spoke,
a regret of his decisions,
a warning to us all.
He winked as he nodded.
Stood to his feet
as he said,
'our days are numbered,
dont every forget'.
(For the late Mr Reginald Murray Williams. A man I met at work one day - a day i will never forget!)
Well, 2010 is here...not even 1 minute into it the new year.
What a year 09 has been hey. The only good things for me were seeing Kasey off to school and Bridie joining our family a few days later. But from June / July onwards it just fell to pieces.
Am I brave enough to feel strong and show it? Im scared of what the year may bring, yet really, its just another day after another day isn't it?!
I love my kids !!
As we say goodbye
to a year that became
an enemy
we bring in a new one,
Its not far, its here.
The sky is clear
my heart feels heavy,
the wind has escaped
yet not my fears with it.
To stand firm in this
new year ahead
is something I know
I can do.
A tear is shed
not seen on my face,
for the lives lost in
the year that has past.
For mine was to be
one of them
in the stats.
Yet a friends stood
by me, brought me
through the night.
So heres to a new year
may you be kind for once.
I lay in my bed
with my baby next to me
and wonder why I was
nearly so stupid.
I dont understand
myself,
how I got so low
to nearly end it all.
But to still be breathing,
I ask myself
over and over, why, why, why.
Who would hold them
read to them
cuddle them
dry their tears
remind them of who they are.
They almost had a chance
to hate me,
to forget me.
Never again
shall I come that close again.
2/1/10
Felt a bit more with it today, but I still feel like fading away. I want this darkness to end now but still have my life - I want to be with my family but suicide the pain away.
Been doing lots of exercise on the wii. It feels good. Just need to go back to controlling the food so I can lose weight.
The clouds cover the stars
even the lightning has
limited energy to show
us her presence.
The tear drops fall
from the angels above
as the day yields to this night;
sun setting low.
There is a stillness to grasp
if you stretch out your hand.
But alas its just out of reach.
The mist up yonder
the haze that is near
smothers your soul,
making your walk harder to bare.
Its a night of darkness
reflecting my thoughts
as I reach for the low
setting sun.
3/1/10
Had a few tears tonight over feeling lost with J and A. Haven't had an email off them without me initiating one. i feel hurt still. Why does their opinion matter so much though? Why does their friendship matter so much?? Why cannt I move on?? Why cannt they just send me a message to say hi!?!
I want to do things that will put me at risk, I wish i had not lived, wish it wouldn't affect anyone if I died. Why did A have to intervene that night? Why????????
The embarrassment of not knowing.
The nervousness under my skin.
The awkward look in her eyes.
As she sees her reflection
in the water below.
A face so familiar
yet there appears to be
something amiss.
Nauseating silence conceals
her soul,
whispering secrets to
the few melodious sounds.
The dark, drab eyes,
no sparkle within
look beyond to the depths
of the water,
searching for that jewel
that was once looking back.
Puzzled and confused
she stands a trembling stance
to continue her search
until the jewel returns.
Quietly she mourns
Quietly she yells
As she looks through the screen
to look at her friends
Mumbling sounds
Mumbling silence
As she disturbs the peace
4/2/10
I think Ive found who I feel most comfortable being - the girl I use to be - the one who loved the music by Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana...all that depressing music! Maybe because I was that dark person for so long. But is that me? But Im the country souled girl, who loves the desert. The drinking, the not taking care of myself, being crazy! If I get dreads its like Im officially where I was as a teenager. Its confirmed. I comfortable being there because thats what I was for so long. I feel like Ive spent almost all of my known life in a dark place and its like i want to go back there but I know where that will lead - a very dark hell, just like I feel like I am now, really.
Who am I?
I wanna be:
lost and insecure,
found laying there,
wrapped like a baby.
There I was,
Here I am.
Theres no way of telling.
Telling theres no way.
The years come and go,
the hours pass
yest time stands still.
Who am I?
Who do I wanna be?
Its easier said than done
Its easier said than done.
I, Laura Barnes, declare that in the case of my death, for Dave Borg to receive my heart and both my lungs if viable.
Signed, Laura, Kate Barnes
Friday 8th January 2010.
My mate Dave needs a new heart and lungs. at the moment he has fluid build up around them and has had to have his fluid intake reduced to 1500mls per day because of it. And its a struggle in this heat that they are having right now.
He is my reminder of keeping my chin up and a smile on my dial.
I sit and breath
as a candle flickers its light.
As still as a mountain,
breathing like the gentle breeze,
I give myself up
I give in to the temptation.
I cannot fight this urge,
The floor boards creak
as foot steps approach,
and still the candle continues to burn.
Rising and falling
the breathing
is motionless.
the clock is ticking
reminding me to keep going.
The candle burns
as foot steps leave,
as an insect finds a new home.
Yet I sit and disappear
into the world so inviting.
The candle no longer burns
and the day goes on.
Today I feel:
unmotivated, anxious, jittery, wanting to hide, like Ive been faking it.
9/2/10
Ok today till this arvo and the shakeys kicked in. Was very quiet and not talking much to Nath. He knows Im anxious about going camping with everyone.
i know I need to take more care of myself and respect myself but I feel crap and dont think I deserve to feel good. I just want to be left alone and die in peace yet I want to be a great mum for my kids. I dont want them growing up without me and not remembering me.
'Our days are numbered'
the old man would say.
His hat seen many a summer,
his skin seen as many suns.
The gleem in his eyes
could tell a tale of two,
but rarely a word muttered
from the mouth that just spoke.
Wish and forgiving,
his wrinkled hands shook,
a sign of his age,
of a life that was once lived.
few had spoken to this man,
yet all knew about him,
his adventured with cattle,
road trains and deserts.
There was something in
these words he spoke,
a regret of his decisions,
a warning to us all.
He winked as he nodded.
Stood to his feet
as he said,
'our days are numbered,
dont every forget'.
(For the late Mr Reginald Murray Williams. A man I met at work one day - a day i will never forget!)
14/1109 - 30/12/09
14/11/09
Okay day today, just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am has been a sleep in lately. It takes me so long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep.
I feel calm with my feelings lately even though yesturday was a bad day. I feel content where I am and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of he ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay here where I am and that will do me!!
I dont feel like challenging God on his existence, I know he is there and maybe cos Ive voiced my opinions and questions I now feel relaxed.
I just feel like living a mundane life with nothing to challenge me, push me etc. Nothing!!
The life to be
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories,
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her dna
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on;
although the damage has been done.
Engraved in her soul,
grooved in her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque
the path is slippery when wet
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can
be dealt with one at a time.
18/11/09
Am I coping because I have to or because I can? I know Im not at my worse but am I good? Am I better than before or have I plateaued out? My memory is really bad - forget friends names, kids names, ph numbers, rego details. Its hard to concentrate on phone calls (like while organising insurance the other day). Im not interested in playing my piano even though Ive said I will teach as of Friday. I dont want to be around friends, would rather stay home and away from the public and if I do go into town I wanna be kid free, by myself! Only going for a walk when someone tells me to, not going because I feel like it. Ive managed to cook picklets and chocolate crackles - in the same day! That is huge for me lately!!
Anxiety has been good the past couple of weeks. Sleeping is ok, getting to sleep and staying asleep but its restless. Ive met up with friends once for dinner other than one on one with Joh. I feel like Im just holding on to everything like it wont take much for me to go backwards to hell again.
25/11/09
Ive been discharged for 2mths now. I dont feel like Ive got any better, not by lots anyway. Yesturday and today have been pretty bad days. All I wanted to do yesturday was to drive away or go for a walk and not go back home. I could have headed west and kept going. Went to the movies by myself and that still didnt give me that 'alone time' fix that Ive been craving. I woke up cranky this morning and Im so glad that mum has today off to look after Jonty and Amy. (Which worked out well cos Em has gone into labour with Chloe!!!!)
Well its nearly 11pm. Chloe Anna-Belle was born this arvo :)
Anyway, failed dinner and I failed making a pavlova. How on earth do I fail at a pav?? Couldn't cook tonight so had tea at macca's. Felt like running away again lately, sucks ass!!
26/11/09
Dr M asked today why I feel so bad towards myself. I have no idea hey! I always have I guess. I just want to escape from being me so I beat myself down to ruin what is there.
Im tired and worn out. Just want to escape for the rest of my days if I am to breath.
27/11/09
Picked up the really big knife in the kitchen this arvo and instantly went shaky and though of the knife going into my chest - through my skin, the breaking noise as it would go through my bones, the piercing feeling that I would get as it goes into my heart and severes the arteries in my heart. I quickly put it down before that 'urge' to do it forced itself through my veins.
And when we drove up to the hospital to see Em and little Chloe I got the instant thought and feeling of driving off the cliffs up there behind the hospital. I know one spot came to mind instantly.....Im still not well am I??
28/11/09
Had arguments with dad all day about why Kasey wasn't wearing a helmet when she stacked it and split her head open, we argued about my hair being black, why she didnt have a booster seat in the car. No matter what it was he picked on me and gave me the shits about everything. Nothing that Ive done lately is right according to him. He reckons that if I loved my daughter then I would have MADE her wear a helmet and made sure she was in her booster seat.
So Im drowning in wine tonight to try and soften the blow of the crap he gave me today. Doesn't he realise that I feel bad enough as it is...the only time she doesn't wear a helmet and she stacks it big time!!
I feel myself slipping once again, I know whats to come, Ive been here before. Loneliness and despair, just me and my thoughts, a private struggle. I dont want much, just to be free from this darkness, pain, fear. I wish people didnt judge , Im not 'weak'. I cannt just 'pull myself together'. I wish it were that easy. And if I was going to suicide I would have done it by now??? get fucked is all I can say!! I dont want to suicide and that is what I fight every day!! People fight it for 20yrs and then cave in....cannt take it anymore. I wish they understood, wish I didnt have to pretend, wish I didnt have to hide, wish I wasn't me.
I feel scared to moce on without depression though. Its always been there so I might as well live with it. I know no better.
And when people say its unfair to those in your life, to say you wish you weren't yourself, makes you realise they dont understand. You want to be you but 'you' sucks to the bone. You are defined by depression and depression sucks and you dont want depression!!
I dont want to take my pills anymore. I dont want to deal with this anymore!!
I need to sleep. Had quite a few glasses of wine now. (and if you were looking at my journal...the writing tells it all - its very messy and Ive edited the horrendous grammar!)
Im still really annoyed at A and J and how they walked out when I needed them most. Why did they get involved in the first place if they knew they were too busy for my crap? I want to be able to talk to them! Fuck!!
2/12/09
Gee this year has gone fast. Kel rang, wanted to catch up, I said yes, stupid me! I emailed her and said no, cannt, not right now. I just wish people got it. Ill let them know when I want to talk to them.
Feel goodish today but thats cos Im at home and avoiding people!! Yay!!
They did ECT on someone in a show in telly last night - reminded me of how Dr X was going to do it on me at one stage.
3/12/09
for the past 18hrs Ive had THE biggest urge for drugs, Ive never had a drug ever, apart from a couple of cones, ciggies and grog. I feel flat, crap, depressed, not sad though. I want something to numb the pain, this crap feeling of depression. Sitting on the lounge with the huge urge to go buy some coke...why coke?? Not speed, goey or eccy. i told Nath too and he was quite shocked and stunned and just went funny on me. Im not going to but sheez, I tell ya what, that urge is friggin' huge!!
I feel like wiping myself out, numbing my life so I can have a break from reality. I think of Rach in hospital and how she loved her drugs, it made her feel great, it numbs her out. Thats what I want. The only thing stopping me from doing this are my beautiful kids. I dont want to drag them down into a world of drugs, and I know if I say 'oh its only a little bit and not very often' then I would be lying cos with drugs its either in it or your not. And Ive seen what happens to people who are taking drugs, Ive seen their psychotic states, losing custody of their kids, they love money and most of all family. Their skin is yuck and have that 'drug' look to them. And apart from that its illegal...but so is speeding in a car.
I can feel myself fall
into the abyss
of the known world of
my contemporaries.
the black hole is not
a force to be reckoned with.
The pit ends
with a pillow of nails
taking your fall
from the world
above the clouds,
as if its a reminder
re-embedding the
feeling of pain.
There you come to your
sense, knowing
your surroundings
are for eternity and a day.
What can I do to numb myself out?? I guess tonight I can have a wine or 4. I just want to wake up and all this be gone, not even have a memory of it.
I think Ive given up on God. I feel alone, like he abandoned me when I needed it most. I dont know!! I dont want to pray or read the bible, I dont want to hear about it, I dont want a bar of it!! But I still do for the kids, they cannt have their mum fall apart even more in their eyes.
I stand precariously
in a piece of solid ground
barely large enough
for both my feet.
around me, a cast expanse
of desolation and emptiness
for as far as I can tell.
It waits with extending arms
to engulf and surround me
in a permanent shadow.
I remain tenuously balanced
on this small bit of solid footing
providing me the last
vestiges of hope,
unsure where to turn
or how to find an escape.
No pain in sight
it has decayed into the abyss.
No light to guide my footsteps.
It has been withdrawn.
In complete darkness
I close my eyes
waiting to fall.
A light appears before me,
no,
from within me.
I discover brilliance inside,
an internal source of
strength, power and illumination.
This force surges through my body
filling me with courage.
10/12/09
Have had a really crap December so far! And not that Im admitting it but I think its mainly cos I keep forgetting to take efexor. I took it every second day I think, even missed 2 days in a row. The withdrawals are shit house!! I have looked like crap!! I felt filled with this fog. Ive been apathetic about EVERYTHING!
R is really concerned about me in our kast session on Tuesday, Im not feeling suicidal or like Im going to hurt myself - just couldnt be bothered going through with it hey!!
My dreams over the past couple of months give me an odd feeling when I do dream, not peaceful but on edge but like they are a different life. They aren't anything too weird but they include people that we camped with at St George or people from hospital. But its never in that actual place, its a different place and with different people too.
I cannt find the words for poetry anymore, like there is nothing in my head, like I cannt concentrate or think or find the words to express myself.
Went to Trina's baby shower last Friday. I was heaps anxious before hand and jittery driving up there but was even worse afterwards. It was fun though. I drank heaps at night over the last week because I felt myself sliding, I needed to escape.
R says that Im very caught up in other peoples opinions of me. Like being anxious after Trina's thingy; I was having a good time but Im so concerned that because people see me enjoying something that they will think that Im 'better'. She told me to remember that my moods are variable.
I need to remember that everything is not black and white but also in between. When I tell people how Ive been i dont have to say ive been 'really bad' but I can say 'ok but things have been tough'.
Im a perfectionist, I set goals that are unbelievably high and that I can admit that 4 kids is tough and trying. But I feel I cannt admit that - I feel weak if I admit that!
Anyway, should sleep while I can - Bridie has been teething. Argh!!!
12/12/09
Invited Joh and Kel over to watch a movie. I was a little nervous with just Kel there before and after Joh left but I coped really well I think. Im trying not to worry if Kel thinks that this will make me better. I told her when she left that just cos I coped tonight doesn't mean that I will cope tomorrow. I hope she gets it.
I soooo want dreads hey!! Just worried about what Nath, mum and dad etc will think and say to me. I know I shouldn't worry but their opinions matter, even if it looks like I dont listen!
24/12/09
Im feeling like the meds aren't working. Maybe they are just gradually working. There just hasn't been that 'magic fix'. I drive across the bridge and still remember, look at the spot when I felt like driving off, I still look at oncoming traffic, the bridge to nowra fair, poles, trees, cliffs. You name it, I think it and still go through the process of the event in my head!!
Ive become more and more socially phobic. I haven't gone for a walk for a month, I hate being outside and I hate being around people.
Got an anxiety attack at mums today for no reason at all. But that sort of thing happens all the time and every day.
I just feel like I dont care about anything other than the kids. Nath and I had another argument the other day. He is so stressed out. Wish it was me instead of him. Dont know who me is, I know that I want dreads though!! And every time I get stressed out over an argument, or the kids are getting to me that urge to hurt myself comes flooding back. But Im tough, I ignore it, fight through it and just pretend it doesn't happen. Although shit it would feel good to get that knife or scissors and slice my arms to bits!!
30/12/09
I wasn't going to see today. I wasn't going to see Christmas the other day either. I should be dead. I cannt stop thinking about it either. It feels like a whole life time ago. It feels like it wasn't real, like it was a bad dread and Im not fully awake.
I want to rest foreverm have a break forever from feeling so crap.
One good thing about having kids with depression is that they make you do things, you have to do it or they really really suffer. It makes you get out of bed in the morning, to have things under control, to get out there and take them places.
I told Nath not to get me anything for my birthday, apart from permission to get dreads, cos I dont want something physical to remind me I wasn't going to be here, it was the same for Christmas, as much as I love getting pressies.
I want it to be a normal day.
Okay day today, just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am has been a sleep in lately. It takes me so long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep.
I feel calm with my feelings lately even though yesturday was a bad day. I feel content where I am and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of he ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay here where I am and that will do me!!
I dont feel like challenging God on his existence, I know he is there and maybe cos Ive voiced my opinions and questions I now feel relaxed.
I just feel like living a mundane life with nothing to challenge me, push me etc. Nothing!!
The life to be
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories,
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her dna
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on;
although the damage has been done.
Engraved in her soul,
grooved in her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque
the path is slippery when wet
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can
be dealt with one at a time.
18/11/09
Am I coping because I have to or because I can? I know Im not at my worse but am I good? Am I better than before or have I plateaued out? My memory is really bad - forget friends names, kids names, ph numbers, rego details. Its hard to concentrate on phone calls (like while organising insurance the other day). Im not interested in playing my piano even though Ive said I will teach as of Friday. I dont want to be around friends, would rather stay home and away from the public and if I do go into town I wanna be kid free, by myself! Only going for a walk when someone tells me to, not going because I feel like it. Ive managed to cook picklets and chocolate crackles - in the same day! That is huge for me lately!!
Anxiety has been good the past couple of weeks. Sleeping is ok, getting to sleep and staying asleep but its restless. Ive met up with friends once for dinner other than one on one with Joh. I feel like Im just holding on to everything like it wont take much for me to go backwards to hell again.
25/11/09
Ive been discharged for 2mths now. I dont feel like Ive got any better, not by lots anyway. Yesturday and today have been pretty bad days. All I wanted to do yesturday was to drive away or go for a walk and not go back home. I could have headed west and kept going. Went to the movies by myself and that still didnt give me that 'alone time' fix that Ive been craving. I woke up cranky this morning and Im so glad that mum has today off to look after Jonty and Amy. (Which worked out well cos Em has gone into labour with Chloe!!!!)
Well its nearly 11pm. Chloe Anna-Belle was born this arvo :)
Anyway, failed dinner and I failed making a pavlova. How on earth do I fail at a pav?? Couldn't cook tonight so had tea at macca's. Felt like running away again lately, sucks ass!!
26/11/09
Dr M asked today why I feel so bad towards myself. I have no idea hey! I always have I guess. I just want to escape from being me so I beat myself down to ruin what is there.
Im tired and worn out. Just want to escape for the rest of my days if I am to breath.
27/11/09
Picked up the really big knife in the kitchen this arvo and instantly went shaky and though of the knife going into my chest - through my skin, the breaking noise as it would go through my bones, the piercing feeling that I would get as it goes into my heart and severes the arteries in my heart. I quickly put it down before that 'urge' to do it forced itself through my veins.
And when we drove up to the hospital to see Em and little Chloe I got the instant thought and feeling of driving off the cliffs up there behind the hospital. I know one spot came to mind instantly.....Im still not well am I??
28/11/09
Had arguments with dad all day about why Kasey wasn't wearing a helmet when she stacked it and split her head open, we argued about my hair being black, why she didnt have a booster seat in the car. No matter what it was he picked on me and gave me the shits about everything. Nothing that Ive done lately is right according to him. He reckons that if I loved my daughter then I would have MADE her wear a helmet and made sure she was in her booster seat.
So Im drowning in wine tonight to try and soften the blow of the crap he gave me today. Doesn't he realise that I feel bad enough as it is...the only time she doesn't wear a helmet and she stacks it big time!!
I feel myself slipping once again, I know whats to come, Ive been here before. Loneliness and despair, just me and my thoughts, a private struggle. I dont want much, just to be free from this darkness, pain, fear. I wish people didnt judge , Im not 'weak'. I cannt just 'pull myself together'. I wish it were that easy. And if I was going to suicide I would have done it by now??? get fucked is all I can say!! I dont want to suicide and that is what I fight every day!! People fight it for 20yrs and then cave in....cannt take it anymore. I wish they understood, wish I didnt have to pretend, wish I didnt have to hide, wish I wasn't me.
I feel scared to moce on without depression though. Its always been there so I might as well live with it. I know no better.
And when people say its unfair to those in your life, to say you wish you weren't yourself, makes you realise they dont understand. You want to be you but 'you' sucks to the bone. You are defined by depression and depression sucks and you dont want depression!!
I dont want to take my pills anymore. I dont want to deal with this anymore!!
I need to sleep. Had quite a few glasses of wine now. (and if you were looking at my journal...the writing tells it all - its very messy and Ive edited the horrendous grammar!)
Im still really annoyed at A and J and how they walked out when I needed them most. Why did they get involved in the first place if they knew they were too busy for my crap? I want to be able to talk to them! Fuck!!
2/12/09
Gee this year has gone fast. Kel rang, wanted to catch up, I said yes, stupid me! I emailed her and said no, cannt, not right now. I just wish people got it. Ill let them know when I want to talk to them.
Feel goodish today but thats cos Im at home and avoiding people!! Yay!!
They did ECT on someone in a show in telly last night - reminded me of how Dr X was going to do it on me at one stage.
3/12/09
for the past 18hrs Ive had THE biggest urge for drugs, Ive never had a drug ever, apart from a couple of cones, ciggies and grog. I feel flat, crap, depressed, not sad though. I want something to numb the pain, this crap feeling of depression. Sitting on the lounge with the huge urge to go buy some coke...why coke?? Not speed, goey or eccy. i told Nath too and he was quite shocked and stunned and just went funny on me. Im not going to but sheez, I tell ya what, that urge is friggin' huge!!
I feel like wiping myself out, numbing my life so I can have a break from reality. I think of Rach in hospital and how she loved her drugs, it made her feel great, it numbs her out. Thats what I want. The only thing stopping me from doing this are my beautiful kids. I dont want to drag them down into a world of drugs, and I know if I say 'oh its only a little bit and not very often' then I would be lying cos with drugs its either in it or your not. And Ive seen what happens to people who are taking drugs, Ive seen their psychotic states, losing custody of their kids, they love money and most of all family. Their skin is yuck and have that 'drug' look to them. And apart from that its illegal...but so is speeding in a car.
I can feel myself fall
into the abyss
of the known world of
my contemporaries.
the black hole is not
a force to be reckoned with.
The pit ends
with a pillow of nails
taking your fall
from the world
above the clouds,
as if its a reminder
re-embedding the
feeling of pain.
There you come to your
sense, knowing
your surroundings
are for eternity and a day.
What can I do to numb myself out?? I guess tonight I can have a wine or 4. I just want to wake up and all this be gone, not even have a memory of it.
I think Ive given up on God. I feel alone, like he abandoned me when I needed it most. I dont know!! I dont want to pray or read the bible, I dont want to hear about it, I dont want a bar of it!! But I still do for the kids, they cannt have their mum fall apart even more in their eyes.
I stand precariously
in a piece of solid ground
barely large enough
for both my feet.
around me, a cast expanse
of desolation and emptiness
for as far as I can tell.
It waits with extending arms
to engulf and surround me
in a permanent shadow.
I remain tenuously balanced
on this small bit of solid footing
providing me the last
vestiges of hope,
unsure where to turn
or how to find an escape.
No pain in sight
it has decayed into the abyss.
No light to guide my footsteps.
It has been withdrawn.
In complete darkness
I close my eyes
waiting to fall.
A light appears before me,
no,
from within me.
I discover brilliance inside,
an internal source of
strength, power and illumination.
This force surges through my body
filling me with courage.
10/12/09
Have had a really crap December so far! And not that Im admitting it but I think its mainly cos I keep forgetting to take efexor. I took it every second day I think, even missed 2 days in a row. The withdrawals are shit house!! I have looked like crap!! I felt filled with this fog. Ive been apathetic about EVERYTHING!
R is really concerned about me in our kast session on Tuesday, Im not feeling suicidal or like Im going to hurt myself - just couldnt be bothered going through with it hey!!
My dreams over the past couple of months give me an odd feeling when I do dream, not peaceful but on edge but like they are a different life. They aren't anything too weird but they include people that we camped with at St George or people from hospital. But its never in that actual place, its a different place and with different people too.
I cannt find the words for poetry anymore, like there is nothing in my head, like I cannt concentrate or think or find the words to express myself.
Went to Trina's baby shower last Friday. I was heaps anxious before hand and jittery driving up there but was even worse afterwards. It was fun though. I drank heaps at night over the last week because I felt myself sliding, I needed to escape.
R says that Im very caught up in other peoples opinions of me. Like being anxious after Trina's thingy; I was having a good time but Im so concerned that because people see me enjoying something that they will think that Im 'better'. She told me to remember that my moods are variable.
I need to remember that everything is not black and white but also in between. When I tell people how Ive been i dont have to say ive been 'really bad' but I can say 'ok but things have been tough'.
Im a perfectionist, I set goals that are unbelievably high and that I can admit that 4 kids is tough and trying. But I feel I cannt admit that - I feel weak if I admit that!
Anyway, should sleep while I can - Bridie has been teething. Argh!!!
12/12/09
Invited Joh and Kel over to watch a movie. I was a little nervous with just Kel there before and after Joh left but I coped really well I think. Im trying not to worry if Kel thinks that this will make me better. I told her when she left that just cos I coped tonight doesn't mean that I will cope tomorrow. I hope she gets it.
I soooo want dreads hey!! Just worried about what Nath, mum and dad etc will think and say to me. I know I shouldn't worry but their opinions matter, even if it looks like I dont listen!
24/12/09
Im feeling like the meds aren't working. Maybe they are just gradually working. There just hasn't been that 'magic fix'. I drive across the bridge and still remember, look at the spot when I felt like driving off, I still look at oncoming traffic, the bridge to nowra fair, poles, trees, cliffs. You name it, I think it and still go through the process of the event in my head!!
Ive become more and more socially phobic. I haven't gone for a walk for a month, I hate being outside and I hate being around people.
Got an anxiety attack at mums today for no reason at all. But that sort of thing happens all the time and every day.
I just feel like I dont care about anything other than the kids. Nath and I had another argument the other day. He is so stressed out. Wish it was me instead of him. Dont know who me is, I know that I want dreads though!! And every time I get stressed out over an argument, or the kids are getting to me that urge to hurt myself comes flooding back. But Im tough, I ignore it, fight through it and just pretend it doesn't happen. Although shit it would feel good to get that knife or scissors and slice my arms to bits!!
30/12/09
I wasn't going to see today. I wasn't going to see Christmas the other day either. I should be dead. I cannt stop thinking about it either. It feels like a whole life time ago. It feels like it wasn't real, like it was a bad dread and Im not fully awake.
I want to rest foreverm have a break forever from feeling so crap.
One good thing about having kids with depression is that they make you do things, you have to do it or they really really suffer. It makes you get out of bed in the morning, to have things under control, to get out there and take them places.
I told Nath not to get me anything for my birthday, apart from permission to get dreads, cos I dont want something physical to remind me I wasn't going to be here, it was the same for Christmas, as much as I love getting pressies.
I want it to be a normal day.
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