Yay, Lookout world.....I went through my journal entry from 3yrs ago....and managed to read it with no fear, no problems like I said I would last night.....gotta love moments like that. I really find it interesting....what I wrote...how I wrote it....all that.
So here it is for you to read:

4/9/09 Day 18
Im anxious already again this morning. My heart rate is 98 and Im quite shaky (although my hand writing is ok at this point). G (on of the RNs) suggested taking seroquel before I go out but I dont want to rely on it. Ill just take it when I get back.
I played the piano for a bit this morning to calm myself down but it didnt really work hey!
Im going to get them to put my ipod on charge while Im gone so i can listen to it when I get back.
Ive been sleeping ok at night. The last 2 mornings Ive woken up at 5am and eventually got back to sleep this morning. The zyprexa doesn't make me sleepy anymore at night like it use to the first time I had it. Ive been getting to sleep pretty well too. (although, this is all drug induced and no where near natural sleep). In the mornings I dont feel like crap like the seroquel made me feel. When I was taking that I wasn't getting out of bed til like 9am and now Im getting up at 7.30ish! Zyprexa is soooo much better than seroquel but seroquel is good for the nerves. I hope that when I do go home that Ill bee able to have a script for seroquel as well as zyprexa and efexor.
The world has got a little dizzy this morning just before so I did some breathing to relax and it has taken the edge off a little. Wish mum would hurry up and get here :)

....Shopping went ok with Mum. I felt pretty good when I got in the car but after all the shopping I was pretty anxious and it got worse when I got back here, so Ive had seroquel to calm me down. Mum bought me stacks of stuff. I got 3 nice tops from Rockmans, 2 dresses from Prototype, jeans from target (like I need more lol), 2 t-shirts and shoes frokm Colorado. For lunch we had a yummy spinach and ricotta sausage roll too . Oh and a handbag too from Colorado.
(I also had to go to IMB while I was there and do some transfering for the mortgage, which to Mums surprise, I was able to do - remember the access codes etc, knew what I was doing without a glitch - didnt think anything of it until I saw Mum looking at me quite suprised and when she told Sinclair about it - to which Sinclair thought that that was brilliant! A sign i was getting ready to go home - like Im going to forget numbers!! As if!! This is just one thing I DONT forget or fail at!!)
Im not as anxious as yesturday cos my handwriting isn't as bad and I had seroquel earlier into being back than I did yesturday.
Joh is coming up on Sunday and we are off to have a nice coffee - cannt wait!!
...Just had meeting with X, going to keep me on 2hrs escorted leave and she wants to see Mum on monday or tuesday arvo. She said my cholesterol was a little elevated but will check it again next week and if it has raised she will take me off zyprexa (damn!!) Hope my cholesterol is ok etc cos I dont wanna change meds hey, although zyprexa makes you crave carbs! (those little 2 pack of bikkies in the ice cream container next to the coffee machine never looked so good!)....so changing COULD be a good thing..

A quicky!

Well, today is 3rd September....wonder what my journal entry was 3yrs ago! I still cannt go back and read over it. I cannt even seperate myself from it and read it as if Im reading someone else's story. And no matter who it is, if I speak to someone of late how they are coping with depression, anxiety etc etc my heart starts racing like Im half way through a marathon, I get a lump in my throat and my head goes all foggy so I cannt think straight...well, its not as bad as it sounds, but thats what its like. And just as Ruth has taught me, its a physiological response to a memory (because mind and body are very much connected!!).....for whatever reason this happens I know that its not how I really feel, that its just like a smell triggering a memory....

Im coping pretty well on 225mg venlafaxine. I think that I really should have done a good month or more on a mood diary because I feel like I have more days of no motivation to do anything and get more headaches, but that could always be environmental events too....who knows lol.

COmputer is going flat :))

Gender Identity Disorder

Gender Identity Disorder: A Literature Review of Children and Adolescents from a

Developmental Perspective

Gender Identity Disorder (GID) is one of the most belligerent diagnoses of the DSMIV

(Shechner, 2010). For the diagnosis of GID, according to DSM-IV (American Psychiatric

Association [APA], 1994), the criteria includes: strong and persistent cross-gender

identification, preference for cross dressing and wearing typical clothing of the other sex,

strong preference for cross-sex role play, intense desire to participate in stereotypical games

of the other sex, and a strong preference for playmates of the other sex. For adolescents,

cross-sex identification is conveyed by a continual statement of the person’s aspiration to be,

live as, and be treated as the other sex. There is also persistent discomfort with one’s

assigned gender of a sense of inappropriateness in that gender role. Meyenburg (1999) added

to this definition for adolescents to include attempts to pass as the other sex or the belief that

one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex. Shechner (2010) confirmed the

view that many researchers in this field have – that mental health professionals working with

GID children and adolescent’s clinical experience is limited, as not many children meet the

complete diagnostic criteria. However, what is well-known is that parents are seeking

counselling about their child’s gender variant behaviour. The intention of this paper is to

briefly review literature on gender developmental theories, what constitutes a diagnosis, the

available research data, and cross-gender behaviour in children and adolescents.

Gender plays a major role in which people define themselves and experience their

social world. Research into understanding gender development have occurred through

extensive theoretical and empirical work (Shechner, 2010). Theories of gender development

have emerged over the past 50 years or so, and can be divided into four types. First, is the

psychoanalytical theory based on Freud’s early works. According to Freud, a child’s gender

development occurs during the phallic stage (ages 4 – 6 years) with fear of castration

motivating the child to identify with the same-sex parent. Secondly, gender essentialism

focuses on genetics, biological differences, hormones, and neurological factors (Liben et al.,

2002). Thirdly, cognitive theories claim that gender development is shaped by children’s

cognitive abilities (Kohlberg, 1966) as being self-driven, and not only environmental

experience, interests, knowledge, and other personal characteristics. This may also occur in

the form of direct learning (Bussey and Bandura, 1999). Fourthly, environmental theories

explain gender development according to the stimulus, the response to the stimulus, and the

resulting behaviour. Reinforcement increases the probability that the behaviour will recur,

whereas punishment decreases the probability. According to this theory, children learn

expectations about social gender by the reactions to their behaviour of parents, teachers, and

other people with whom the child associates (Mischel, 1970).

As with other DSM diagnoses and assessments, systematic clinical interviews serve

as the most comprehensive tool. Normative samples in the United States (Zucker, Cohen-

Kettenis, 2008), and Israel (Shechner, Liben, Bigler, 2007) have shown that using The

Occupational, Activity, and Trait Personal Interest and Attitude Measure Scales for children

(COAT-PM/AM) and pre-schoolers (POAT-PM/AM) can offer insight into a child ’s play

preference and toy preference when the child has been referred for concerns about their

gender development (Fridell, Anderson, Johnson, Bradley, Zucker, 1996). The assessment of

a child referred for this concern should include the child and their parents, and if considered

necessary, the child’s teacher and/or other relevant social agents involved in the child’s life

(Shachner, 2010). The involvement of parents in therapy is crucial for preventing or

alleviating problems in the child-parent relationship that has been brought on by the gender

variant behaviour. Zucker (2006) suggested that parents be trained in setting limits to the

child’s gender variant behaviour by encouraging gender-neutral activities and to find

activities that are seen as more gender appropriate, such as same-sex peer interaction. Langer

and Martin (2004) proposed that when a child is brought in for therapy by the parents who

fear their child will be homosexually-orientated, the therapy should in fact target the parents

rather than the child with the appropriate change-orientation intervention, while Zucker

recommended parents to be warned about the difference between empathetic encouragement

and harsh imposition. Bem (1993) suggested treating a child with gender variant behaviour

to help the child conform to the more stereotypical gender role behaviours in which they have

been physically assigned. Another view of dealing with treatment of children and

adolescents with GID was Steensma et al. (2010) who suggested that clinicians should focus

clearly on what happens within the ages of 10 – 13 years and to explicitly address the child’s

feelings concerning the factors that frequently come up as relevant in sessions. Parents and

caregivers ought to realise the unpredictability of their child’s psychosexual outcome, and

that they may help their child to cope with their gender variance in an empathetic way, but

without taking social steps long before puberty, which are hard to reverse. A dichotomy view

of gender was reflected in Rekers and Lovaas (1974) where parents and teachers were

encouraged to use behaviour modification techniques in an attempt to eradicate all

incongruous gender behaviours.

As GID did not become a psychiatric category until 1980 in DSM-III, as a possible

take-over of homosexuality (Bem, 1993; Bayer, 1981), suggests that the pathology

accompanying gender identity dysphoria should be the focus of clinical work rather than

treating gender role behaviour (Wilson, Griffith and Wren, 2002). Zucker (2009) reviewed

GID diagnostic criteria in children as they were formulated for DSM-III, DSM-III R, and

DSM-IV, and concluded that the persistent desire to be the other gender should, in contrast to

DSM-IV, be a necessary symptom for diagnosis. This would then result in a tightening of the

criteria and may result in a better separation of children with GID from the children who

display marked gender variance but without the desire to be of the other gender.

What is known about the prevalence of GID is hard to determine as there are no

reported epidemiological studies in children or adolescents (Shechner, 2010). However, what

is known, from samples of adults attending gender clinics for hormonal or surgical

treatments, who in turn represent only a very specific segment of the population with crossgender

identification and behaviour’s, is that GID varies by age (Zucker, 2006). Zucker and

Cohen – Kettenis (2008) point to consistent findings indicating significantly higher referral

rates for boys from age 3 to 12, than for girls. With age, however, this dramatically declines

to virtually no sex differences in referral rates for adolescents. This difference in preadolescent

boys and girls has been suggested by Zucker and Cohen – Kettenis as the ‘relative

tolerance (society has) for gender nonconformity in girls during childhood but not in

adolescence, when gender roles intensify’. Steensma et al. (2010) confirmed literature

findings on gender dysphoric children does not always result in gender dysphoria in

adolescence and adulthood, finding that both boys and girls showed that their changing

interests and friendships, and the physical changes during puberty made the gender distress

reduce and eventually disappear. However, their first experience of falling in love and

consciousness of sexual attraction were aspects that ensued in the withdrawal of their gender

dysphoria. Along with puberty, Steensma et al. suggested that adolescents regarded the

growing distance between the sexes in social settings (between the ages of 10 and 13 years)

they experienced seemed to create a desire to add gender-typical interests to their activities.

What are less clear for researchers and clinicians are the developmental trajectories of

GID as whether this leads to bi- or homosexuality. The prevalence rates vary (Steensma et al.,

2010). Green (1987) carried out a follow-up study of 66 gender dysphoric children and

reported a bi- or homosexual orientation of 75% of the boys in fantasy and 80% in behaviour.

Zucker and Bradley (1995) found lower prevalence rates with 31% (of 41 children) reporting

a bi- or homosexual orientation in fantasy and 18% (of 19 children) reported bi- or

homosexual orientation in behaviour, while 58% of the participants reported no sexual

experience at follow up. Drummond et al. (2008) studying 25 girls reported bi- or

homosexual orientation in fantasy for 32% and 24% for bi- or homosexual orientation in

behaviour.

The body of research that has been reviewed in this paper suggest that GID frequently

fades from childhood to adolescence and adulthood. Furthermore, cross-gender fantasies and

behaviours in childhood appear to be largely predictive of a homosexual orientation in

adulthood. It is hoped that during the 90 minute lesson parents and/or caregiver’s of children

with gender-variant behaviours become more aware of developmental views of GID,

treatments and how to help with a child who possibly fits the GID diagnosis criteria, and

what the future may hold for their child .

 

American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental        disorders (4th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Bayer, R. (1918). Homosexuality and American psychiatry.  New York: Basic Books.

Bem, S. L. (1993).  The lenses of gender: Transforming the debate on sexual inequality.     New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Bussey, K., & Bandura, A. (1999).  Social cognitive theory of gender development and                differentiation.  Psychological Review, 106, 676 – 713.

Drummond, K. D., Bradley, S. J., Peterson - Badali, M., & Zucker, K. J. (2008).  A follow up      of girls with gender identity disorder.  Developmental Psychology, 44, 34-45.

Freud, S. Three essays on the theory of sexuality (1905).  Standard Edition.  London:         Hogarth, 1953.

Fridell, S. R, Owen-Anderson, A., Johnson, L. L., Bradley, S. J., & Zucker, K. J. (2006).  The      playmate and play style preferences structured interview:  A comparison of children    with gender identity disorder and controls.  Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 35, 729-          737.

Green, R. (1987). The “sissy boy syndrome” and the development of homosexuality.  New           Haven. Yale University Press.

Kohlberg, L. (1966).  A cognitive-developmental analysis of children's sex- role concepts              and attitudes.  In E. E. Maccody , editor.  The development of sex differences.             Stanford, CA:             Stanford University Press.

Lander, S. J., & Marin, J. I. (2004).  How dresses can make you mentally ill:  Examining   gender identity disorder in children.  Child Adolescent Social Work Journal, 21, 5-        23.

Liben, L., Susman, E., Finkelstein, J., Chinchilli, V., Kunselman, S., Schwab, J., . . .Kulin, H.       (2002).  The effects of sex steroids on special performance:  A review and an      experimental clinical   investigation. Developmental Psychology, 38, 236-253.

Mischel, W. (1970). Sex typing and socialisation.  In: Mussen PH, editor.  Carmicharl’s    handbook of child psychology,  2. New York: Wiley, 1970: pp. 3-72.

Meyenburg, B. (1999).  Gender identity disorder in adolescence:  Outcomes of      psychotherapy.  Adolescence, 34, 134.

Shechner, T. (2010).  Gender identity disorder:  A literature review from a developmental             perspective.  Israel Journal of Psychiatry Related Sciences, 47, 2.

Shechner, T., Liben, L., & Bigler, R. (2010).  Extending sex-typing measures across           languages and cultures:  An empirical example and methodological guidelines.  In     Shechner, T. (2010).  Gender identity disorder: A literature review from a           developmental perspective.  Israel Journal of Psychiatry Related Sciences, 47, 2.

Steensma, T. D., Biemond, R., de Boer, F., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2010).  Desisting and           persisting gender dysphoria after childhood:  A qualitative follow-up study.  Clinical             Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 16 (4), 499-516.

Wilson, I., Griffin, C., & Wren (2002).  The validity of the diagnosis of gender identity    disorder (Child and adolescent criteria).  Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 7,    335.

Zucker, K. J. (2006). Gender identity disorder. In: Rutter, M., Taylor, E.A., editors. Child and     Adolescent Psychiatry, 4th ed.  Malden, Mass.:  Blackwell, 2006: pp. 737-753.

Zucker, K. J. (2009). The DSM diagnostic criteria for gender identity disorder in children.            Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 39, 477-498.

Zucker, K. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2005).  Gender identity disorder in children and   adolescence.  Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 2005; 1, 467-492.

Zucker, K. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P. T. (2008).  Gender identity disorder in children and   adolescents.  In Rowland, D.L., Incronni L., editors.  Handbook of Sexual and Gender            Identity Disorders.  Hoboken, N.J.: Wiley, 2008: pp. 376-422.



 

 

One Year On

One Year On

Anniversaries are those things we either absolutely love to celebrate or we dread them coming and do all we can to avoid anything to do with them. They can either heighten our excitement or anxiety, stimulate our desire for happiness or crush all we have for life to go on.

How is it that as we get older time seems to fly by without us realising? One year ago we moved up here to 'sunny' QLD. So much has happened since then. Nath and I have had some down and horrible moments but they are far outweighed by the good things!

Recently, Good Friday to be exact, we moved into a house we bought. Not just any old house, but an old secret maternity hospital thats about 100yrs old. Its huge! 5 bedrooms, plus a dining room, storeroom off the kitchen, massive bathroom, 2 loungerooms, a bar and the old verandah which has been enclosed. Its just what we've always wanted, plus its on 3 1/2 acres in a tiny town 40km N/W ot Toowoomba with just over 100 students at the school (yep, kids have had to change schools! Again!) and 700 people in the town. We're half an hour away from any shops which I looooooove!!

Anyway, the 'anniversary' of us moving up here has been good. Im so glad we've moved up here, not once have I questioned the reason why we did, nor have I said to myself 'grrrrr, why why why!!???!!!!"

Its also coming up to 3yrs since hospital. Blah! Lets leave that there where it belongs! I already feel tired and drained, I dont need that memory to play on me. Oh hey, I reckon I still have atleast one visual memory of it a day!!

But its also the anniversary of Snowy's death. Not so happy :( Gunna be one of those ones that will stick in my mind forever as 1st of June 2011 is also the day that 'Bung' went missing in Boronia, Victoria. Ill never forget how it worked out that Snow was found on his 30th birthday - 5th June. Suicide only passes the pain from yourself to your family and friends and everyone that knew you. It never leaves those left behind. Im kinda feeling frazzled tonight and not even sure why Im writing, maybe Ill change the subject.

I found a brown snake's skin in the garden this morning. It wasn't very big, probably 50cm but it wasn't all of it either. So that garden got a full clean out today so he would have nowhere to hide, Ive only got 2 more gardens to clean out, I bet he's in the flag pole garden cos that is full of weeds and is very overgrown! Thank goodness its winter and if I do come across him he'll be sleepy!! That garden is going to become my herb garden, Ive found rocks/pavers that look a little like sandstone so Ive scattered them through the garden. They will kind of seperate the herbies a little and give you somewhere to put ya feet instead of all over the plants.

Im going to start a new blog, my living simply blog....keeping life simple stuff :)

From 300mg to 150mg

I'm in the process of dropping my dose of antidepressant (effexor xr)! Its been 2 1/2yrs and until a couple of weeks ago I was on 300mg - the dose prescribed to me in hospital. There is never a good time to come off them, there is always something going on that could trigger a bad patch, a slump in mood, more anxiety....you know, uni has started back, we've bought a house so we have to move, the kids are having to change schools....but hey, why not?! Because I can and I want to and I will. I wanted 12mths ago but Dr M wouldn't let me - it was too early. Fair enough I thought even though I was disappointed. So now that we have moved and I have a new GP I thought I would try him out and see if he would be willing - he was!! But instead of dropping ever so slowly from 300 to 150mg by going to 225mg for a few weeks, Ive cut it in half instantly....not sure if that was a good idea but its done. Before I even went to see him about it I had started taking 300mg every 28hrs instead of 24hrs (because even after 25hrs I could feel the effects of not having those magic pills), and then increased it to 30hrs and then 36hrs for 5 days or so. I was mucking around big time knowing it would hit big time once I did the 150mg dose. The days leading up to doing 150mg I took 300mg in the morning, 150mg that night, 150mg the next mid day, 150mg the following morning, 150mg that night and then strung it out to take 150mg the following night.

I had made it.

 Those few days or so - I cant even think how many days it was - not even looking at what Ive just written - I felt like a drunk! My body was shaking (and still is, well certainly feels like it!!), my eyes were (and still are) jumpy with my vision being a little fuzzy white on the edges, the mild diarrhea/constipation started kicking in (and still is), my heart rate is a little nuts and feels like it flutters. I have a constant headache at the back of my head. Every now and then it shoots round to the front of my head and then Ive noticed my 'todds paralysis' headaches are occurring more too which makes half my body go slightly limp and weird!

And don't ask me about cooking! Cakes, biscuits, slices - they turn out crap! I swear I'm not doing anything differently!! And concentrating on conversations is so hard at times - I feel like I'm there but I'm not and I float in and out of concentration. For the first time ever I got done for speeding - a lack of concentration....or was it just good old tiredness at the end of the day with fighting kids in the car? Maybe a combination of both. Either way and letter was written and sent off....wonder if my awesome driving record will still be awesome?? ;)

So, I think its about 10 days now at being at 150mg, maybe less....maybe more. Cant remember, the last few weeks are a slight blur!

So that's all the physical symptoms of coming off an SSRI (selective seretonin reuptake inhibitor). Basically, seretonin is a neurotransmitter in the neural synapses between brain cells. Seretonin crosses the synapse but in mood disorders, anxiety disorders, sleep dep and the like the seretonin isn't taken up enough by the receiving neuron and it then goes back to the neuron it came which causes lower seretonin levels. SSRIs make sure the seretonin cant go backwards and only gets pushed forward which increases its levels. Make sense?

BUT my head is fine. My unconscious is behaving itself like it should and wouldn't expect anything else, but I'm realistic and know that a relapse is possible and that going back up to 300mg is possible also. The other night I tested myself - I was saying "I'm suicidal....(no physical shivers, urges etc)....no I'm not....." and I kept saying it for a while. I know how my unconscious works, I know how to get into it and there is nothing sinister there. I know my triggers and I know that Ive dealt with stuff that I needed to, my chance of relapse is lower than the stats say. Knowing how my brain works, how stimulus works and that my coping mechanisms are all in tact then I know I'm safe. I have a friend who Ive known only a short time and she is great.....she sees through me, shes done psych. Its all good mate!

ITS ALL GOOD!

The blog in my head

We just went camping for a couple of nights down at Murphy's Creek. It was awesome. Just us (us plus Nath's cousin, her hubby and their daughter and her partner) and the bush. For as far as the eye could see there was bush surrounding us. It wasn't green and lushious. It wasn't like fields with wild flowers everywhere. It was dirty, scrub bush, gum trees, it was sunny, then it was cloudy and almost rained, it was hot, yet sitting in front of the fire was the best place to be. Not only was there a fire but we cooked up some damper (albeit yellow, tasting like custard and a little feral - I ran out of gluten free flour so used gluten free custard powder cos it was too runny which increased the yellowness of the besan flour!) and bambi stew.

Camp Fire

I look at this particular photo and all of a sudden I feel at ease, at home, where I belong, something about that setting is in my blood, its natural, there is something about it that Im connected with. There is freedom in this photo, a sense of calmness and silence. I instantly feel at rest the moment I look into the fire, the bush. I feel like the dirt in that photo is in my veins, in my blood, making me alive the more I look at it. People who really know me will understand exactly what I mean. They know Im at home in the bush, in the dirt, with noone else around. People who know me best will know.....
I cannt remember where my love of the bush came from.

Llanthony aka The Dolls House, Cambewarra NSW

 Some of my first memories are of being in dad's 2 stroke suzuki sierra and driving past a black snake in the bush. The first time I ever laid eyes on my dream home was in early primary school - Llanthony, in Cambewarra. That feeling of being absolutely awe-struck when looking at the giant staircase is still really vivid. I dont remember a lot of being in the 'dolls house' as its known to the locals but I remember that exact feeling, that exact emotion of being in there like it was yesturday. Every now and then the beautiful house appears in my dreams, last time was only a few months ago with me huddling in the laundry outside and around the corner near the driveway with some children trying to hide from the 'baddies'. If I had $800k I would buy the dolls house! Its beauty resonates through Cambewarra despite it being tucked away. One of my best friends during high school lived across the road from the dolls house. Back then you could see it through the garden and if we weren't out riding horses (which was most of the time) we would lay there in her bedroom looking at horse magazines and staring at the dolls house. Oh she is a stunning home!! If only she could be mine!!

Llanthony

Then there is the other house in Nowra, Meroogal, built by the relatives of those who built Llanthony. Meroogal is a story in itself with women running the household for many generations. Imagine being on the balcony watching the tall ships sail up the river!! I swear I was born in the wrong century!!

Meroogal

No matter how I look at it, Im a country girl. Whether its boots, jeans, flanny, rmw hat, shorts, singlet....whatever....its my love of the dirt, the solemness, the peace, the stillness and freedom of the bush that makes me who I am. I may enjoy a skinny soy chai latte but I love my rum & coke. I may enjoy a meal at a restaurant, but I love my camp oven. I may enjoy sleeping in my bed but I love my swag. I may enjoy having a bubble bath, a facial scrub and a massage but I love sitting in my $20 camping chair in front of the fire coated in dirt cos I haven't had a wash for 2 or more days.

Rain, hail or shine, the bush is there to be enjoyed, there to be in. Its there that I feel home and thats all there is to it.

So I thought to add this about my favourite poem ever: The Man From Snowy River as it is arguably Australia’s most famous poem. Us Aussies can at least recite the first sentence if not the whole opening stanza. But this little piece of beauty is less about the poetry than it is about the way many urbanised Australians would like to see themselves: showing that grit and determination of the Man from Snowy River, with his willingness to have a go against the odds. It also captures a barracking for the underdog which is an enduring part of the Aussie make up. Even if you know it, read it again. I bet most of us have never read the entire poem despite knowing the first stanza off-by-heart, then 3 of my favourite photos. I have 1000's of favourite photos, I can never pin point just 1 or 2 or 3, not even my top 3. All I know is that these 3 are on my list!!

There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around
That the colt from old Regret had got away,
And had joined the wild bush horses - he was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far
Had mustered at the homestead overnight,
For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are,
And the stock-horse snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Harrison, who made his pile when Pardon won the cup,
The old man with his hair as white as snow;
But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up-
He would go wherever horse and man could go.
And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better horseman ever held the reins;
For never horse could throw him while the saddle girths would stand,
He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.

And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast,
He was something like a racehorse undersized,
With a touch of Timor pony - three parts thoroughbred at least -
And such as are by mountain horsemen prized.
He was hard and tough and wiry - just the sort that won't say die -
There was courage in his quick impatient tread;
And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye,
And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.

But so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay,
And the old man said, "That horse will never do
For a long and tiring gallop-lad, you'd better stop away,
Those hills are far too rough for such as you."
So he waited sad and wistful - only Clancy stood his friend -
"I think we ought to let him come," he said;
"I warrant he'll be with us when he's wanted at the end,
For both his horse and he are mountain bred."

"He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko's side,
Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough,
Where a horse's hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride,
The man that holds his own is good enough.
And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home,
Where the river runs those giant hills between;
I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam,
But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen."

So he went - they found the horses by the big mimosa clump -
They raced away towards the mountain's brow,
And the old man gave his orders, "Boys, go at them from the jump,
No use to try for fancy riding now.
And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.
Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,
For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,
If once they gain the shelter of those hills."

So Clancy rode to wheel them - he was racing on the wing
Where the best and boldest riders take their place,
And he raced his stockhorse past them, and he made the ranges ring
With stockwhip, as he met them face to face.
Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,
But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,
And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,
And off into the mountain scrub they flew.

Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black
Resounded to the thunder of their tread,
And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back
From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.
And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their sway,
Were mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;
And the old man muttered fiercely, "We may bid the mob good day,
No man can hold them down the other side."
When they reached the mountain's summit, even Clancy took a pull,
It well might make the boldest hold their breath,
The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full
Of wombat holes, and any slip was death.
But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head,
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,
And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,
While the others stood and watched in very fear.
He sent the flint stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,
He cleared the fallen timbers in his stride,
And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat -
It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.
Through the stringybarks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,
Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;
And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,
At the bottom of that terrible descent.

He was right among the horses as they climbed the further hill
And the watchers on the mountain standing mute,
Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely, he was right among them still,
As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.

Then they lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met
In the ranges, but a final glimpse reveals
On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,
With the man from Snowy River at their heels.

And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam.
He followed like a bloodhound in their track,
Till they halted cowed and beaten, then he turned their heads for home,
And alone and unassisted brought them back.
But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,
He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;
But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,
For never yet was mountain horse a cur.

And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around The Overflow the reed beds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word today,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

Cattle in the Snowy Country

 Riders in the Snowy Country

The iconic Craig's Hut which was made famous in The Man From Snowy River movies.

Just pretend we're sitting down havin' a rum!

There is one thing that really ticks me off lately. Its when you start to talk to someone about what has been going on (well, they did ask in a sincere kind of way) and then turn the conversation right around back on to them in one sentence. If you've had a headache, they've had a bigger headache, if you've had the flu then they had the flu twice as bad, if you've had a broken leg then theirs was broken in more places. If your not feeling the best its because your stressed and unhappy because thats what they are feeling....

You get my drift right? Quite a few times lately Ive felt like pulling a certain person up on it by saying 'Oi, the conversation is about me, not you!' but really where would that get me? Into another argument Im not interested in. But when they do ask 'why aren't you feeling good' and I just happen to say 'Dunno' then they get the shits at me for not talking. I go to talk and you butt in and talk about your problems but when I dont talk about it then you get the shits.....does anyone else notice this or is it just me?

And, whats with having an argument and then thinking of all the good shit to say afterwards? Im so going to do my thesis on this hey! The emotional blockage on argumentative and self-defensive language and the disgruntled person! Why cannt we think of all that good stuff to say then and there? Why is it so hard to say to someone "be interested in me please". "Im having issues, I want you to listen and care!!". There comes a point when you become scared of coming back home because of what may be said or pointed out, there comes a point where you feel like not wanted or needed but useless, there comes a time where you wonder what the hell happened because you cannt talk anymore!

Its so darn easy to be caught up in our own world that we forget that other's issues (particularly our hubby/wife/partner etc) are just as important as ours and we should give attention to that. Why is it that when everything is turning to mud that we lose our global focus and can only see ourselves and how everything affects us.

Its one of those little human needs - to feel like someone is interested, especially from the person who should be the most interested - your partner!

People just really tick me off. Im wanting to hide from the world and never venture out. I want my own secluded little place and not deal with anyone other than a select few. I wanna tell the world to get fudged! But I dont want to be home, I do...but I dont. I dont want to judged or put down because of something I have or haven't done. I dont want to .....just leave me the hell alone. I hate people saying that they love you, they are your friend, or that they are interested and then to just turn around and give ya nothing....its not that Im being selfish, Im just sick of being ignored. And I wish I could say what I really want to say but I cannt and that sucks even more. I need my Ruthy!!!!!!

Laura's Story: 2002 - 2009

Laura's Story: 2002 - 2009: So, where was I?? I guess I continue on from Nathan and I starting to go out with each other - July 2002. There was no way in the world th...

Laura's Story: Here we go again!!!

Laura's Story: Here we go again!!!: 2 days in to the new year and I cannt believe Im here to see another year. Ive turned 30 (4 days ago), spent NYE with some great friends and...

Here we go again!!!

2 days in to the new year and I cannt believe Im here to see another year. Ive turned 30 (4 days ago), spent NYE with some great friends and family, eaten way too much, sunk some rum and been to the beach. (We've been back in Nowra for the past week). Each christmas day, birthday. NYE, and pretty much every other day I think "I wasn't going to be here" or "Didnt think I'd live to see my 30th" -  things along the line that reminds me of depression and suicide. Im far past living that hellish shite but I think of it so often. And then there is the times of handling knives, lighters, trees, the local bridge down here in Nowra, or the Menangle Bridge on the Hume Hwy. All those seemingly meaningless, piddley, every day items and places that give me that flash back.

Flash backs are nothing sinister, they are just a trigger for that memory that has been encoded deep down into my soul, just like the smell of lobster reminds me of birthdays camping at the beach, or the smell of damper reminding me of the outback, its a trigger and thats all there is to it. My memories don't get me down, they dont make me stop and reminisce, but it doesn't mean I dont remember - I just don't let it have a grasp on me.

But there are some triggers that really get to me - dreadlocks!! Oh I really want them back. I spot them out a mile away on someone. I see them and feel different instantly. They make me feel somewhat sad (ok, maybe not sad....thats not the right word), but free. I see dreads and think of them as being like artwork - they expressed something only the painter knew - everyone else's reaction were based on their experience.  I dont know why I cut them off - I do - but what possessed me to get rid of them??!! I know they were a symbol and getting rid of them just before we moved was another symbol of a fresh start from a sub/unconscious position but why did I do it?? I want them back!! I've done some seriously stupid things in my life, but this tops the lot!! I know its just hair but....what can be my next symbol of life as it is??

Another crazy, stupid thing Ive done is dye my hair red!! Oh gee I hate it.....gimme black again!!!! It doesn't look bad but what on earth is going on with me??!! I have been thinking red for a while, but what tha??!! I actually did it, very much annoyed at myself! Thank goodness that my hair was already quite dark and it didn't show up too much.

There are some things that I'm struggling to let go of what I know. Everything that represents depression/suicide/hospital etc is gradually disappearing but by bit, one thing at a time - just thankful that my tattoo is permanent and not going anywhere!! Everything that Ive known my entire life is rapidly moving out of my memory where it feels like it wasn't real - I know it was real but it just doesn't feel like it.  I'm not scared of the future, I'm scared of losing the past.

I heard the other day that us women are really good at holding on to the past - things like anniversaries are important to us. I couldn't agree more. We hold on to the past - I don't want to admit to myself that I don't have the body of a pre-baby/20yr old Laura so I keep going to buy a bra that I 'think' fits when I know it wont - but only just wont, but then reality kicks in. Its like having the pre-baby /skinny-you photo out to look at, to remind you of what you used to be. We get pissed off at wedding anniversaries being forgotten by a certain person, we love birthdays, love chatting about stuff that has happened in the past..things of the past are important to me. I feel like the past is who I am. I know the past doesn't make me who I am, but in a way we aren't who we are without living what we have. I guess its the same with this blog. Part of me wants to write and write and write about depression, suicide, the in's and out's of emotions but what else can I write?? What if I stop writing about what I have gone through and someone out there doesn't read my posts which have those  bits in them?? Oh dear....
Oh boy am I blubbering on and rambling. Time to post this and go to bed. We're heading back to QLD tomorrow :)