2 days in to the new year and I cannt believe Im here to see another year. Ive turned 30 (4 days ago), spent NYE with some great friends and family, eaten way too much, sunk some rum and been to the beach. (We've been back in Nowra for the past week). Each christmas day, birthday. NYE, and pretty much every other day I think "I wasn't going to be here" or "Didnt think I'd live to see my 30th" - things along the line that reminds me of depression and suicide. Im far past living that hellish shite but I think of it so often. And then there is the times of handling knives, lighters, trees, the local bridge down here in Nowra, or the Menangle Bridge on the Hume Hwy. All those seemingly meaningless, piddley, every day items and places that give me that flash back.
Flash backs are nothing sinister, they are just a trigger for that memory that has been encoded deep down into my soul, just like the smell of lobster reminds me of birthdays camping at the beach, or the smell of damper reminding me of the outback, its a trigger and thats all there is to it. My memories don't get me down, they dont make me stop and reminisce, but it doesn't mean I dont remember - I just don't let it have a grasp on me.
But there are some triggers that really get to me - dreadlocks!! Oh I really want them back. I spot them out a mile away on someone. I see them and feel different instantly. They make me feel somewhat sad (ok, maybe not sad....thats not the right word), but free. I see dreads and think of them as being like artwork - they expressed something only the painter knew - everyone else's reaction were based on their experience. I dont know why I cut them off - I do - but what possessed me to get rid of them??!! I know they were a symbol and getting rid of them just before we moved was another symbol of a fresh start from a sub/unconscious position but why did I do it?? I want them back!! I've done some seriously stupid things in my life, but this tops the lot!! I know its just hair but....what can be my next symbol of life as it is??
Another crazy, stupid thing Ive done is dye my hair red!! Oh gee I hate it.....gimme black again!!!! It doesn't look bad but what on earth is going on with me??!! I have been thinking red for a while, but what tha??!! I actually did it, very much annoyed at myself! Thank goodness that my hair was already quite dark and it didn't show up too much.
There are some things that I'm struggling to let go of what I know. Everything that represents depression/suicide/hospital etc is gradually disappearing but by bit, one thing at a time - just thankful that my tattoo is permanent and not going anywhere!! Everything that Ive known my entire life is rapidly moving out of my memory where it feels like it wasn't real - I know it was real but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not scared of the future, I'm scared of losing the past.
I heard the other day that us women are really good at holding on to the past - things like anniversaries are important to us. I couldn't agree more. We hold on to the past - I don't want to admit to myself that I don't have the body of a pre-baby/20yr old Laura so I keep going to buy a bra that I 'think' fits when I know it wont - but only just wont, but then reality kicks in. Its like having the pre-baby /skinny-you photo out to look at, to remind you of what you used to be. We get pissed off at wedding anniversaries being forgotten by a certain person, we love birthdays, love chatting about stuff that has happened in the past..things of the past are important to me. I feel like the past is who I am. I know the past doesn't make me who I am, but in a way we aren't who we are without living what we have. I guess its the same with this blog. Part of me wants to write and write and write about depression, suicide, the in's and out's of emotions but what else can I write?? What if I stop writing about what I have gone through and someone out there doesn't read my posts which have those bits in them?? Oh dear....
Oh boy am I blubbering on and rambling. Time to post this and go to bed. We're heading back to QLD tomorrow :)
Flash backs are nothing sinister, they are just a trigger for that memory that has been encoded deep down into my soul, just like the smell of lobster reminds me of birthdays camping at the beach, or the smell of damper reminding me of the outback, its a trigger and thats all there is to it. My memories don't get me down, they dont make me stop and reminisce, but it doesn't mean I dont remember - I just don't let it have a grasp on me.
But there are some triggers that really get to me - dreadlocks!! Oh I really want them back. I spot them out a mile away on someone. I see them and feel different instantly. They make me feel somewhat sad (ok, maybe not sad....thats not the right word), but free. I see dreads and think of them as being like artwork - they expressed something only the painter knew - everyone else's reaction were based on their experience. I dont know why I cut them off - I do - but what possessed me to get rid of them??!! I know they were a symbol and getting rid of them just before we moved was another symbol of a fresh start from a sub/unconscious position but why did I do it?? I want them back!! I've done some seriously stupid things in my life, but this tops the lot!! I know its just hair but....what can be my next symbol of life as it is??
Another crazy, stupid thing Ive done is dye my hair red!! Oh gee I hate it.....gimme black again!!!! It doesn't look bad but what on earth is going on with me??!! I have been thinking red for a while, but what tha??!! I actually did it, very much annoyed at myself! Thank goodness that my hair was already quite dark and it didn't show up too much.
There are some things that I'm struggling to let go of what I know. Everything that represents depression/suicide/hospital etc is gradually disappearing but by bit, one thing at a time - just thankful that my tattoo is permanent and not going anywhere!! Everything that Ive known my entire life is rapidly moving out of my memory where it feels like it wasn't real - I know it was real but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not scared of the future, I'm scared of losing the past.
I heard the other day that us women are really good at holding on to the past - things like anniversaries are important to us. I couldn't agree more. We hold on to the past - I don't want to admit to myself that I don't have the body of a pre-baby/20yr old Laura so I keep going to buy a bra that I 'think' fits when I know it wont - but only just wont, but then reality kicks in. Its like having the pre-baby /skinny-you photo out to look at, to remind you of what you used to be. We get pissed off at wedding anniversaries being forgotten by a certain person, we love birthdays, love chatting about stuff that has happened in the past..things of the past are important to me. I feel like the past is who I am. I know the past doesn't make me who I am, but in a way we aren't who we are without living what we have. I guess its the same with this blog. Part of me wants to write and write and write about depression, suicide, the in's and out's of emotions but what else can I write?? What if I stop writing about what I have gone through and someone out there doesn't read my posts which have those bits in them?? Oh dear....
Oh boy am I blubbering on and rambling. Time to post this and go to bed. We're heading back to QLD tomorrow :)
Love you Laura...and dont worry so much! you are doing so well and your so strong. You can get through anything! oxoxox-Ally
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about people not seeing the posts you feel will be important and helpful, Laura, because people who are searching for that shared experience will feed keywords into the search engine that will take them there. And who knows, they might even read forward from there to find the person you are now, who is the same honest woman in a better place, and may find hope and help in that.
ReplyDeleteYou won't lose your past, and the experience and wisdom you have gained from it will inform and shape your present and your future, and lead you to wise choices and intelligent listening to the struggles of others.