At what point in time do you say enough is enough?? Our house has sold - it only took 2wks, so we are in the process of getting ready to move interstate, Im studying psychology part time and our little Bridie girl is pushing my buttons. She doesnt speak yet apart from the odd word or 2 and she is constantly needing me - she HAS to sit on my lap to eat her brekky, her lunch, dinner, anything in between, if I say no and try to make her sit at the bench or table with the other 3 kids she spits the dummy big time. She pushes her bowl or plate away so that it will land on the floor, she cannt go to sleep unless Im there with her and getting her to do as she is told is so flaming hard. Mind you, she isn't like this ALL the time, she is happy and is content but gee, is she clingy!!
Ive always had our kids in daycare from when they were around 2 for 1-2 days a week purely for their benefit but she isn't in one yet cos we're moving. I take them to a few kids activities during the week - playdate and mainly music, where there focus is on her and Jonty, we spend time doing things during the day today - its not always about me doing things, although some days its just them following me cos of errands that need doing. She is independent and fiesty! Mind you, she has 3 older siblings to deal with and because she cannt tell them 'no' or 'give it back' or 'stop' or anything like that, she screams and comes chasing me to do it for her. She tries sooooooo hard to stand up to them and I dont want them to be on egg shells around her and do everything she wants them to do but that is just such an easy way out of it. Its like when its brekky time and having to sit on my lap. Its just easier to give in.....but when do I say enough is enough??? Mornings are hectic, trying to get the older 2 girls off to school and Jonty, who just doesn't want to do anything for himself like getting dressed or even getting his clothes out of his draw....Just doing what Bridie wants makes life just that little bit easier.
So tomorrow I want to wake up feeling like I love her still. I want to wake up knowing how to deal with her for another day. I want to wake up knowing that Im strong enough to cope.
It feels like depression is biting at my heels again in a big way. Moving, studying, parenting....enough is enough...! Im just soooo thankful that I dont 'work'. I would be a serious mess if I did have to go to work as well. How can I tell the black dog is trying to make a come back?? I feel shaky, nervous, like my meds aren't working, lethargic, tired and sleepy, not wanting to face the world. Im looking for my hole again. I want to climb in it, Maybe I need a 'gone fishing' day or 2 again.
Do I need to go see R again to sort my head out over this?? Maybe I do, maybe I dont but I do know that patience is required, love is required and knowing how much stress Im under at the moment is NOT helping Bridie. Its amazing how kids sense how you are coping. I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass, just like everything else. Easier said than do though hey. What matters most is that I keep telling her (and the others) that I love her, show her that I love her and just be there for her. She 'knows' what is going on and its putting her out of sorts, but its so easy to forget that when she wakes up in one of those moods.
A friend told me not to burn out. When is burning out?? Can I recognise it before it happens??
And guess what else sucks!!??!! (And every other mum out there in NSW, Vic and SA will understand this....) the end of day light savings sucks big time!!!!! It was bad enough having to get up at 7.30ish but now its like 6am and all the kids are up and rearing to go for the day. Makes for a long day huh!!
Its raining at the moment, its cold and Im looking for my bed.
I need motivation, I need love, I need patience and I need space. One day these things will come but in the mean time, its having to do what I have to do and that is love my kids and be here for them.
But Im ok, just tired and drained from a 2yr old that is on edge, who knows something is up and is struggling how to deal with life itself.
Ive been thinking too of not having a journal .... just this blog, I write everything on here anyway. Im trying to cut down the amount of paper that Im using, all my uni notes are on here now....no more folders full of printed material, no A4 paper....except for my biology unit....havent figured out how to draw cells using microsoft word yet lol.
I thought too that Id dig out my 2 journals that I have left from when I was a kid and put them on here. I had kept every single one if them til my sister and I had a great big fight when I was pregga's with Kasey, now I only have 2 left. Ive always had journals. Maybe I just need to have the computerised type now.
I have the bestest hubby ever I reckon. Ever since my collapse with depression and admission to hospital he has become so supportive, our relationship has changed for the better. He recognises what Im feel lately and can see it before I admit it. Even the other day when I got a ripper of a cut off the tuna can that was left in the sink he was worried that I had done it with a knife, same with the other 3 cuts Ive managed to get lately. And they were accidents...and only 1 was from a knife....I still look at knives like I use to but in a different way. Ive come along way from then.
Even my dreams lately have been a sequel to ones Ive had before. Quite a while ago I had a dream that my family and I had gone on a trip past a great big dried up lake, turned left and done this really long walk - like we were walking the Great Wall of China. I would be constantly stopping and Mum was encouraging me to keep going. Well last night it was that dream again except that we didnt turn left, we kept going straight ahead, I looked up to where we had gone in my previous dream and recognised it and felt like I didnt have to be pushed to keep going. We ended up in some tunnel where there were people selling things, kind of like a market, I kept stopping to look at things people were selling. We never made it out of the tunnel though cos the tunnel turned into a great big stable with horses, I was cleaning the tackle and there was a bit of a party going on. Up on the wall were pictures of my past and everyone was saying 'remember when that happened'. My dreams are constantly about journeys and travelling, Im almost always in a train, or dealing with an airport, sometimes its been a cruise ship around Sydney Harbour - but not a relaxing one, its constantly stressful. My dreams are weird - aren't they all!! I know Ive come along way .....
Anyway, I need sleep but first stop is a nice hot shower. I need to feel revived so that I can continue on for another day. Isn't life oh so monotenous!!
Ive always had our kids in daycare from when they were around 2 for 1-2 days a week purely for their benefit but she isn't in one yet cos we're moving. I take them to a few kids activities during the week - playdate and mainly music, where there focus is on her and Jonty, we spend time doing things during the day today - its not always about me doing things, although some days its just them following me cos of errands that need doing. She is independent and fiesty! Mind you, she has 3 older siblings to deal with and because she cannt tell them 'no' or 'give it back' or 'stop' or anything like that, she screams and comes chasing me to do it for her. She tries sooooooo hard to stand up to them and I dont want them to be on egg shells around her and do everything she wants them to do but that is just such an easy way out of it. Its like when its brekky time and having to sit on my lap. Its just easier to give in.....but when do I say enough is enough??? Mornings are hectic, trying to get the older 2 girls off to school and Jonty, who just doesn't want to do anything for himself like getting dressed or even getting his clothes out of his draw....Just doing what Bridie wants makes life just that little bit easier.
So tomorrow I want to wake up feeling like I love her still. I want to wake up knowing how to deal with her for another day. I want to wake up knowing that Im strong enough to cope.
It feels like depression is biting at my heels again in a big way. Moving, studying, parenting....enough is enough...! Im just soooo thankful that I dont 'work'. I would be a serious mess if I did have to go to work as well. How can I tell the black dog is trying to make a come back?? I feel shaky, nervous, like my meds aren't working, lethargic, tired and sleepy, not wanting to face the world. Im looking for my hole again. I want to climb in it, Maybe I need a 'gone fishing' day or 2 again.
Do I need to go see R again to sort my head out over this?? Maybe I do, maybe I dont but I do know that patience is required, love is required and knowing how much stress Im under at the moment is NOT helping Bridie. Its amazing how kids sense how you are coping. I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass, just like everything else. Easier said than do though hey. What matters most is that I keep telling her (and the others) that I love her, show her that I love her and just be there for her. She 'knows' what is going on and its putting her out of sorts, but its so easy to forget that when she wakes up in one of those moods.
A friend told me not to burn out. When is burning out?? Can I recognise it before it happens??
And guess what else sucks!!??!! (And every other mum out there in NSW, Vic and SA will understand this....) the end of day light savings sucks big time!!!!! It was bad enough having to get up at 7.30ish but now its like 6am and all the kids are up and rearing to go for the day. Makes for a long day huh!!
Its raining at the moment, its cold and Im looking for my bed.
I need motivation, I need love, I need patience and I need space. One day these things will come but in the mean time, its having to do what I have to do and that is love my kids and be here for them.
But Im ok, just tired and drained from a 2yr old that is on edge, who knows something is up and is struggling how to deal with life itself.
Ive been thinking too of not having a journal .... just this blog, I write everything on here anyway. Im trying to cut down the amount of paper that Im using, all my uni notes are on here now....no more folders full of printed material, no A4 paper....except for my biology unit....havent figured out how to draw cells using microsoft word yet lol.
I thought too that Id dig out my 2 journals that I have left from when I was a kid and put them on here. I had kept every single one if them til my sister and I had a great big fight when I was pregga's with Kasey, now I only have 2 left. Ive always had journals. Maybe I just need to have the computerised type now.
I have the bestest hubby ever I reckon. Ever since my collapse with depression and admission to hospital he has become so supportive, our relationship has changed for the better. He recognises what Im feel lately and can see it before I admit it. Even the other day when I got a ripper of a cut off the tuna can that was left in the sink he was worried that I had done it with a knife, same with the other 3 cuts Ive managed to get lately. And they were accidents...and only 1 was from a knife....I still look at knives like I use to but in a different way. Ive come along way from then.
Even my dreams lately have been a sequel to ones Ive had before. Quite a while ago I had a dream that my family and I had gone on a trip past a great big dried up lake, turned left and done this really long walk - like we were walking the Great Wall of China. I would be constantly stopping and Mum was encouraging me to keep going. Well last night it was that dream again except that we didnt turn left, we kept going straight ahead, I looked up to where we had gone in my previous dream and recognised it and felt like I didnt have to be pushed to keep going. We ended up in some tunnel where there were people selling things, kind of like a market, I kept stopping to look at things people were selling. We never made it out of the tunnel though cos the tunnel turned into a great big stable with horses, I was cleaning the tackle and there was a bit of a party going on. Up on the wall were pictures of my past and everyone was saying 'remember when that happened'. My dreams are constantly about journeys and travelling, Im almost always in a train, or dealing with an airport, sometimes its been a cruise ship around Sydney Harbour - but not a relaxing one, its constantly stressful. My dreams are weird - aren't they all!! I know Ive come along way .....
Anyway, I need sleep but first stop is a nice hot shower. I need to feel revived so that I can continue on for another day. Isn't life oh so monotenous!!
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