I havent written much about depression or anything like that in ages, so I thought I'd better do something huh!
I cannt believe its been nearly 2yrs since my life turned upside down. I think back at when A and J would say to me that this would pass, that I would survive. I never believed them and even to this day I still hate hearing those words ' this too shall pass'. Am I passed it?? Yeah i think I am, I dont classify myself anymore as having depression. I classify myself as a healthy, non-depression sufferer who is still on her original medication. I have survived. Or am I still surviving? I dont have days anymore where I just want to curl up and not face the day in a depression kind of way, I do just out of pure tiredness though. Depression is something that will always be apart of me whether Im 'suffering' from it or not. But I will not let it define me nor will I ever let it own me. Like dr m said to me last week, Ive come a loooong way. Its funny though, because for sooooo long I would not let myself think or even believe that I would get passed it, I didnt want to get passed it because I was scared of being free from it. Looking back over my life, Ive had massive bouts of depression, just undiagnosed at the time. I was so scared because I wasn't sure what it was like to live without depression or a feeling of absolute self hatred. But even though I dont want depression to own me a part of me wants people to see me and think 'hey she's the one who had depression so bad that she was suicidal and ended up in hospital for 5wks because of it'. Weird or what hey??!! As much as I like people not knowing that part of me, I like it at the same time. I want people to know my story and tell me that they know it. I want people to tell me they are reading this, that they are telling others about my story. I want people to understand what its like to be so close to death without having to live through it.
Im moving to QLD this time next month, to a place where I know one person other than the inlaws (or outlaws as I sometimes call them lol ....!). My family wont be there - my mum, dad, my sister or my brother. I have become so close to my mum, dad and sister in the last 10 yrs or so....more so in the last (almost) 2yrs. Im going to miss seeing them every Saturday. I started the Saturday ritual just after Nath and I got married, Kasey was only 15mths old and each Saturday I would take her over to mum and dads, and although at first I think they were looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing on Saturday mornings, they now looove it and everyone looks forward to it. I look forward to it...its my day out. The kids love being at 'close nan and pops' and playing with Dessy and Belle (Chelsea and Chloe, my sisters 2 girls). Although we dont always see each other during the week, we are always there for each other when we need it. Having them close by is great. And even though Im excited about moving, Im also a 'little' sad that Im going - as anyone would be. I wont have them there to see, to have d&m's with (deep and meaningfuls), to debrief, to chat with, to 'take tea' with using mums china cups with her dajeeling teas. Im trying really hard to not be excited about moving in front of them because I know they are taking it really hard that we're gunna be moving so far away, that Ill be taking the grandkiddies away from them. My sister told me the other day that I should just move now instead of in a months time so that she doesn't get any more attached to our kids....that made me sad :( I know they are hurting but Im hurting too, just in a different kind of way....
And my friends, my lovely Trina! We have become soooo close, her kids are like my kids, my kids are like her kids. I can walk down to her's in my pj's and walk in the back door, make myself a cuppa and sit in front of her fire before she is even out of bed. She can walk into our place and do the same. We can drop our kids off to each other without a minutes notice and know that it will be ok. Our kids play together so well. She makes sure she has some long life cows milk around and I always make sure Ive got soy milk (or soil milk if you ask our kids). I cook using dairy free butter, most times soy milk and make sure there are no nuts about when I know she is coming or the kids are coming up. When we had our bbq last weekend I made sure that people knew not to bring nuts so that she would be safe. I get annoyed when people forget...it will kill her!!
And Maja, who will I harrass to get out of the shower on Friday mornings after the school run?? I wont be able to rock up to her place unexpected and demand a coffee lol.
Im going to miss all my friends, they know who they are! But Trina and Maja the most I reckon! And Jenine, Megan....Christine, who Ive become quite close to. Thank goodness for facebook! Ive said it 1000 times but Ill say it again.....facebook is the best invention ever! Thanks Zuckerberg, you little champion!!
so who is going to look after my friends for me?? Who will I make friends with up there?? I tell ya what though...my future friends have high expectations to meet thats for sure lol. Noone will ever replace my friends, noone! Noone will get close to me like my friends here!!
And school teachers too....Ive known 2 of Kaseys 3 teachers prior to school. I wont have that luxury up there. And apart from that, bloody backwards queenslanders have a different school system....aaaagh!!!
I am soooo going to miss friends and especially family but that is life and this is what we have to do, and you know what....its just going to mean a knew way of communicating. Instead of rocking up to Maj's on Friday mornings Im just gunna have to get skype working and bombard her on that instead lol.
friends come and go. Some become closer and others drift apart a little, but that is life. We take so much for granted with people in our lives that when the time comes you look back and think 'wow, Ive got some awesome people in my life'.
There is so much on my list of things to do before I leave that may never happen but in reality....Im not going forever, I WILL be back, and boy are those times when I do come back going to be busy!!
And my grandfather, bill. Im going to miss him. He is my only grandfather (well, technically not, but I have nothing to do with the other one). I worry about his health and never get over to see him as much as I should and I now wish that I had, but I will do it even more over the next few weeks. Seeing kasey curled up on his lap this morning was precious as gold and neither of them wanted it to end (but thanks to Bridie being cranky it had to!).
I could dribble on forever but there is a mopoke owl in the tree in front of me and I think its time for a cuppa.
I love my friends and I love my family, I just hope they know just how much.
xoxoxox
I cannt believe its been nearly 2yrs since my life turned upside down. I think back at when A and J would say to me that this would pass, that I would survive. I never believed them and even to this day I still hate hearing those words ' this too shall pass'. Am I passed it?? Yeah i think I am, I dont classify myself anymore as having depression. I classify myself as a healthy, non-depression sufferer who is still on her original medication. I have survived. Or am I still surviving? I dont have days anymore where I just want to curl up and not face the day in a depression kind of way, I do just out of pure tiredness though. Depression is something that will always be apart of me whether Im 'suffering' from it or not. But I will not let it define me nor will I ever let it own me. Like dr m said to me last week, Ive come a loooong way. Its funny though, because for sooooo long I would not let myself think or even believe that I would get passed it, I didnt want to get passed it because I was scared of being free from it. Looking back over my life, Ive had massive bouts of depression, just undiagnosed at the time. I was so scared because I wasn't sure what it was like to live without depression or a feeling of absolute self hatred. But even though I dont want depression to own me a part of me wants people to see me and think 'hey she's the one who had depression so bad that she was suicidal and ended up in hospital for 5wks because of it'. Weird or what hey??!! As much as I like people not knowing that part of me, I like it at the same time. I want people to know my story and tell me that they know it. I want people to tell me they are reading this, that they are telling others about my story. I want people to understand what its like to be so close to death without having to live through it.
Im moving to QLD this time next month, to a place where I know one person other than the inlaws (or outlaws as I sometimes call them lol ....!). My family wont be there - my mum, dad, my sister or my brother. I have become so close to my mum, dad and sister in the last 10 yrs or so....more so in the last (almost) 2yrs. Im going to miss seeing them every Saturday. I started the Saturday ritual just after Nath and I got married, Kasey was only 15mths old and each Saturday I would take her over to mum and dads, and although at first I think they were looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing on Saturday mornings, they now looove it and everyone looks forward to it. I look forward to it...its my day out. The kids love being at 'close nan and pops' and playing with Dessy and Belle (Chelsea and Chloe, my sisters 2 girls). Although we dont always see each other during the week, we are always there for each other when we need it. Having them close by is great. And even though Im excited about moving, Im also a 'little' sad that Im going - as anyone would be. I wont have them there to see, to have d&m's with (deep and meaningfuls), to debrief, to chat with, to 'take tea' with using mums china cups with her dajeeling teas. Im trying really hard to not be excited about moving in front of them because I know they are taking it really hard that we're gunna be moving so far away, that Ill be taking the grandkiddies away from them. My sister told me the other day that I should just move now instead of in a months time so that she doesn't get any more attached to our kids....that made me sad :( I know they are hurting but Im hurting too, just in a different kind of way....
And my friends, my lovely Trina! We have become soooo close, her kids are like my kids, my kids are like her kids. I can walk down to her's in my pj's and walk in the back door, make myself a cuppa and sit in front of her fire before she is even out of bed. She can walk into our place and do the same. We can drop our kids off to each other without a minutes notice and know that it will be ok. Our kids play together so well. She makes sure she has some long life cows milk around and I always make sure Ive got soy milk (or soil milk if you ask our kids). I cook using dairy free butter, most times soy milk and make sure there are no nuts about when I know she is coming or the kids are coming up. When we had our bbq last weekend I made sure that people knew not to bring nuts so that she would be safe. I get annoyed when people forget...it will kill her!!
And Maja, who will I harrass to get out of the shower on Friday mornings after the school run?? I wont be able to rock up to her place unexpected and demand a coffee lol.
Im going to miss all my friends, they know who they are! But Trina and Maja the most I reckon! And Jenine, Megan....Christine, who Ive become quite close to. Thank goodness for facebook! Ive said it 1000 times but Ill say it again.....facebook is the best invention ever! Thanks Zuckerberg, you little champion!!
so who is going to look after my friends for me?? Who will I make friends with up there?? I tell ya what though...my future friends have high expectations to meet thats for sure lol. Noone will ever replace my friends, noone! Noone will get close to me like my friends here!!
And school teachers too....Ive known 2 of Kaseys 3 teachers prior to school. I wont have that luxury up there. And apart from that, bloody backwards queenslanders have a different school system....aaaagh!!!
I am soooo going to miss friends and especially family but that is life and this is what we have to do, and you know what....its just going to mean a knew way of communicating. Instead of rocking up to Maj's on Friday mornings Im just gunna have to get skype working and bombard her on that instead lol.
friends come and go. Some become closer and others drift apart a little, but that is life. We take so much for granted with people in our lives that when the time comes you look back and think 'wow, Ive got some awesome people in my life'.
There is so much on my list of things to do before I leave that may never happen but in reality....Im not going forever, I WILL be back, and boy are those times when I do come back going to be busy!!
And my grandfather, bill. Im going to miss him. He is my only grandfather (well, technically not, but I have nothing to do with the other one). I worry about his health and never get over to see him as much as I should and I now wish that I had, but I will do it even more over the next few weeks. Seeing kasey curled up on his lap this morning was precious as gold and neither of them wanted it to end (but thanks to Bridie being cranky it had to!).
I could dribble on forever but there is a mopoke owl in the tree in front of me and I think its time for a cuppa.
I love my friends and I love my family, I just hope they know just how much.
xoxoxox
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