There are some things that we do in our late teens / early adult life that are just some beyond stupidity. Sometimes, these 'things' are boyfriends (or for guys, its girlfriends). But in the moment it is fun, thrilling and goes deep into making us who we are.
Sometimes we even know that what we are doing isn't the smartest thing to be involved with and sometimes we go through with it anyway. Noone is immuned to stupidity and those who think they are pretty darn smart and haven't done anything stupid haven't had a good look at themselves (or have lived a very sheltered life).
I wasn't immuned and I caught the stupidity disease in a big way.
This guy I went out with was part of the stupidity. I remember telling a friend, Geoff, that I didnt want to go out with him really but if it meant getting back at Trent, then so be it, so thats how it started. Josh had that smell that I can still smell - a mix of sweat, dirt, oil, cattle - that farmer smell. It wasn't until Saturday just gone when he made the news that my smell memory was reactivated.
He has made the news because he was an 'armed and dangerous fugitive' and there was a state wide search in nsw for him. The police eventually found him after several police chases, and arrested him for armed robberies, resisting arrest, stolen vehicles and the like. The newspaper article said he was aggitated when arrested and taken back to the police station - I can picture it. I can picture him swearing his head off at the police. This wasn't the Josh I knew. Was it??
He use to get aggitated when someone would give him grief about the way he is - didnt have a good enough job, treating me better than what he did, work harder on the farm, do this, do that "ya lazy fkn cunt". He took his aggression out in his ute while drunk, or on the bikes and we'd ride through the fire trails. He knew Burrier better than the back of his hand. (And luckily when the police caught him he was in South Nowra. If he had made it to Burrier, they would NEVER be able to find him).
We did the rodeo's, musters....but mostly work on the farm. He use to tell me I couldn't fix the tractor, but P had other ideas and blow the crap out of Josh for telling me what I could and couldn't do. If I wanted to go do the fencing because it needed fixing then he wouldn't let me....I had to stay fix something else but then give the guilt trip "fine, go if you want". It's only as I'm writing this that his guilt trips actually happened. So many times I would sit up at the shed in the ute twiddling my fingers wanting to help but no, that job wasn't for me to do. And people who know me would know I would not cope in that situation. If I want to do it (especially hands on, getting dirty kind of stuff) I would do it. It would be great when I could get into it.
I really wanted to get into the heavier stuff on that farm but he kept stopping me. P would say to me "you wanna then go do it, fuck the cunt of a bastard!" (sorry about the language but it use to get used every second word so unless I use it, you will not get a full idea of the conversations that were spoken as you imagine it). P use to scream obscenities at Josh all the time (well, to anyone really. And screaming means screaming until he was blue!). I was being pulled away from Josh by the things I wanted to do, things that I saw needing to be done, but then pulled towards Josh because he was my boyfriend, I 'loved' him and wanted to spend every minute with him. He use to spend money on me like crazy - phone credit, fuel, rum, you name it.....always made sure I had phone credit so if something happened I could ring him, fuel so I could get in and out of burrier (I was always low on fuel - pretty funny considering I use to work for caltex!!). He would follow me home to make sure I got there safe, drove out to my place and follow me back to Burrier so that he was there if anything happened, I had to be safe. I stopped going to the pubs with my best friends, I drank out there instead because it was safer (according to Josh), everything I did he had to be there so that it was safer....except for this: "If you get pregnant dont come chasing me, I've got nothing to do with
it"......righteo....lets make sure that doesn't happen then!! He was concerned about everything else except for that!!
It wasn't until a cuppa with a friend yesturday that I actually 'know' this behaviour from him to be controlling, and so was P's. They were both preying on someone who was out of control and needed that little bit of control in a situation that was inviting......
But since seeing him in newspaper articles and hearing about his latest lifestyle choice, my issues don't lie with Josh in actual fact. Throughout the time I was with him he was someone I hated to love.
......to be continued......
No comments:
Post a Comment