4yrs on

So here I am 4 years on from when I was admitted. Gee time goes fast. 

I had an intake interview with a group therapy coordinator through uni the other week, and, as all intake interviews go, we spoke about my past. 

We spoke about everything that happened as a teenager, then when I was admitted to Mirrabook. 

Her take on what the traumatic event that triggered / was at the start of all my depression (being the peanut in my lung incident) was that it wasn't too long after that (a few years) that the depressive thinking etc started.  So it doesn't have to be 'traumatic' as such but more of a negative 'memorable' event that occurs before the symptoms start.

And as I drew my timeline on the whiteboard for her I realised just how good it is to timeline things - I know it all in my head and when things happened, but seeing it in order was such an eye opener. 

I told her how every now and then I try to force myself out of my body (for those of you who have been there - been mentally ill - you will know what I mean.). I try to make myself 'grow', to float up to the ceiling but I just cannt get it to happen - although I managed to do it once about 12mths ago I think it was - but it didn't last too long and once I was back down into my body I couldn't do it again.  So when I was talking to the coordinator about it she was very impressed that I wasn't trying to avoid or ignore that sort of thing, but that I was actually trying to force it to happen.

The group therapy thing will be great, cannt wait for it to start. I should post about it when it gets started hey. And it is existentialist therapy - very interesting!!!

And I'm 4.7kg off what I weighed 4yrs ago too! How good is that!! I've been focusing so much lately on foods and exercise that I wonder if my perfectionism is going to get out of control or even if its starting to get out of control. I'm so focused on getting below 70kg, and determined to be below 65kg. The saying "exercise to be fit, not skinny' doesn't gell well in my head. Yes I want to be fit, but I want to be skinny (or skinnier), fitness is coming back as I get there :)

Anyway, I'm buggered, just finished a crazy case report.

From the worries of May 2011

From MAY 2011 I wrote in the purpley blue colour the week before we moved to QLD. Here I am 2yrs on and lets see how things have changed.

Oh what a month or so its been!! Our house has sold and we are pretty much all packed ot move to Toowoomba QLD this week. There are so many things Im going to miss but I dont think its going to hit me until a few weeks into being up there. Apart from family and Trina (who is like my bestest friend....she is my rock!!) there are things like:
  Country music radio channel - not out here, but in the city I can until I'm 15km from home, same with abc local radio  
Nick Reinberger on abc radio - my love of Tony delroy has increased - just a shame its so late at night for the quiz  
The girls at Gloria Jeans who know what I order and tell me when Im walking in if Im not going to be able to get a chai latte. - yeah, got nothing! Although Daryl and Anna know what pizza we like when they do them Saturday nights out here :)
Robyn, the check-out chick, from coles who knows my name and my kids names. - still got nothing like that!  
Getting Maja out of the shower on Fridays after the school drop off. Oh Maja, gee I miss knocking on your door and making you get out for a cuppa!  
Walking down to Trina's in my pj's and making myself a cuppa. - nothing can replace this, my beautiful Trina!  
The girls at IMB. - I don't go to a bank anymore, unless its vital like paperwork for a mortgage  
Our next door neighbours, Jim & Yvonne. - Our neighbours are cows, literally! Driving out to Cambie along the mad-mile and checking out whats going on at the sale yards, seeing if Mr Taylors plane is in the hanger. - we have the back road to Meringandan through the farms, I suppose its kind of a mad mile  
Driving over Good Dog Creek and seeing the tree that was uprooted in the 1988/9 flood that is still growing strong! Between here and town there are quite a few creeks and bridges to cross that quite often flood over when it rains enough. Nothing better than driving over Good Dog, I remember it felt like I was home then, now I drive over Cooby creek - 10km from home and that starts to feel like home  
Driving past Jaspers paddock (the horse I use to ride as a kid. Nath bought me a professional photo of his paddock a few yrs back...!) - we have our own paddock :)

Then theres the things like finding a solicitor (found one, but its not the same - we don't them personally and in fact I've never met her, just paid her), 
accountant (nope!), 
vets (love Dr Larry, he understands working dogs), 
pet shop (45min away!), 
doctors (Umesh!!) 
and dentists (well, not yet for me, but for Amy yes)
 ...the list goes on...and a bank...ok, a building society...I dont do the big banks...they would have to pay me to walk into their buildings lol. (Found a building society, but they were rude and very horrible, so now we are using Westpac - hiding my head in shame here!!)

All the things I missed at the beginning have faded and life has completely changed for the good. But I cannt wait to go back to Nowra for a visit - one day!

Arrested Development

     If you had to explain what arrested development (AD) is, could you do it? Do you even know what it is?
If you google AD, the first thing that comes up is a link to wikipedia telling you its a tv series - seemed to be a bit of a flop of a show, but nonetheless, this is not the AD I was looking for. In fact, the entire page 1 of the google search is dedicated to the show, and most of page 2. Obviously, I needed to be more specific. 
Arrested development is a term psychologists and the like use to describe someone who has gone through some sort of trauma, drug abuse, alcohol abuse or something similar and at that point in time in their life is where their development has been arrested. It has been stopped in its tracks. Their development, their brains neurochemicals, their mind, behaviour, speech, responses, motivation and emotions have ceased to continue. 

     Your teenager starts drinking at 14, or drug use starts at 17, or becomes bullemic at 11, anorexic at 19. At that point in time, they cease to develop mentally and emotionally. When teens start using drugs or drinking alcohol during the developmental years, their social and emotional development stops. So a person who started taking drugs at age 14 stays at the social and emotional age of 14. This can manifest by continued risky behavior, poor judgment and not being able to adequately understand the consequences of actions.
You might come across someone at work, at the pub, at the shops, they may be another parent at the school your child/ren attend and you look at them and think "WTF?!". They look grown up, but mentally they have AD.

     The teenage brain  is still developing (personally from a health and psychologist perspective, I believe the brain is still developing right up to the age of 25, and I have medical information to back this up, but that is for another day), and if teens consume drugs or alcohol, they risk causing permanent intellectual and emotional damage, according to the Science and Management of Addictions Foundation. Alcohol consumed during early adolescence can disrupt endocrine development, which regulates mood and reproductive processes. 

     Teens who smoke marijuana performed worse on learning tests and their memory was affected, according to a January 2009 study published in Clinical EEG and Neuroscience. Stanton Glantz, director of the University of California at San Francisco’s Center for Tobacco Control Research and Education, told ABC News that psychoactive substances are “messing with the brain as it’s developing.” But we know this already, its not new news, its old, but one that still needs attention because there are just far too many parents out there who think its funny to offer their 13yr old daughter alcohol shots because "she needs to make her own choices in life, and if she is going to do it, I want to know".

     One out of four people who starts using drugs or alcohol as a teenager becomes addicted, according to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, reported ABC News. Teens don’t have positive life prospects if they become addicted. Because the brain is still developing during adolescence, it is more sensitive to substances, which increases the risk of addiction, and there we have it - arrested development.

Now, here comes the part where I start getting a little more technical. Remember, neuroscience is my love, amazingly facinating and something everyone should have some idea on how it all works. I've tried to make it interesting, less sciencey and boring, I hope you can understand it: 

 

•Although most of the brain material and size is in place at the start of adolescence, several important developmental processes continue .

•If all goes well, the brain will be a much more efficient organ at the end of a healthy adolescence.
 
•One process is myelination.  The axons connecting brain cells across which electrical impulses travel continue to become ensheathed in a fatty substance called myelin.  This compound  insulates axons and speeds the relay of electric impulses within the brain, helping thinking, decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation mature.
 
•Another process is synaptic refinement. At the start of adolescence, we have billions of brain cells, each with tens of thousands of connections to other brain cells.  Not all these connections are actually needed, and the unnecessary ones become  eliminated.  This elimination process is shaped by the young person’s activities and experiences, and, as with myelination, it helps the brain work more efficiently.
 
•MRI studies reveal ongoing brain maturation during late childhood and early adulthood. Early MRI studies suggest regionally varying volume decreases in gray matter of the cortex and subcortical nuclei). More recent studies provide more anatomical detail, emphasize the effects of ongoing myelination and employ mapping methods for visualizing the pattern of age-related change. 
 
•Exposure to alcohol and other drugs during adolescence may alter the function of frontal-striatal and limbic circuits to interact with this pattern of ongoing brain maturation during late adolescence and early adulthood.

So to avoid AD, remember this:

P = Promote activities that capitalise on the strengths of the developing brain.

A = Assist children with challenges that require planning.

R = Reinforce their seeking advice from adults; teach decision making.

E =  Encourage a lifestyle that promotes good brain development.

N = Never underestimate the effects of alcohol on the developing brain.

T = Tolerate the “oops” behaviors due to an immature brain.  

He escaped

Update (the same day, just 4hrs later): As I wrote this blog post this morning, Josh was being captured in Worrigee - not far from the prison. Good work LAC!!


Its not too often that the average person out there knows someone personally who has escaped from jail and is a fugitive on the run. But I'm that person. Joshua Leigh Duke escaped from the South Coast Correctional Facility on Saturday 8th June at around 2pm. Reports say that he has jumped over a wall, got in a car and driven off. So much for being an unescapable prison. 

When they first built the prison and the month prior to sending inmates, they opened it up to the public. Bus loads of people went through all the areas of prison, from maximum to minimum, males to female sections, seclusion, security areas - you name it, we got to see it. The majority of Nowra residents went through - publicity push or not, it was well worth the couple of hours. Seeing the walls I really wonder how it was possible for him to scale a fence and get over. Another report said that Josh was doing work in the minimum security area (why on earth he was in minimum security in the first place is beyond my comprehension and yet to be answered) and has escaped from there. He was found to be missing at 2pm and was reported  missing the the Shoalhaven LAC at 2.20pm. 

He is yet to be found.

The following information has come from various Shoalhaven newspapers:

In January he was finally arrested for holding up service stations at Albion Park, Tomerong and Batemans Bay between 2am on January 15 and 12.30am on January 16.

He faced a total of 54 charges and is considered to be highly dangerous.

Police warn he should not be approached.

With the assistance of Polair and the Dog Unit areas of Nowra were searched to no avail.

Police describe Duke as having a Caucasian appearance, 175cm tall with a medium build and a shaved head. At the time of his escape he was wearing green shorts, green T-shirt and green shoes. 

A possible sighting in Mittagong turned out to be someone else and at the time of going to press, Duke was still a wanted man.

Anyone who sees him or knows of his current whereabouts is urged to contact triple-0 immediately.

 

A part of me says he's not dangerous, but he is. A part of me feels sorry for him but he does not deserve sympathy. A part of me knows why and how he has come to this but he is an adult and MUST take full responsibility. Throw the book at him, throw the key away and keep him in seclusion for the rest of his rotten life!

That thing I dont want to talk about #2

Oh crikey, the anxiety that I have running through my heart right now is crazy. I'm not sure what I am going to write or how to write it. I'm not even sure if this is worth writing but I know I've got to get it out, it doesn't matter in what form but it has to be done, and I know there is that gap in my blog....something is missing.....something that doesn't cause my psychosis but certainly adds to it to a degree.

That time I spent with Josh was pretty down. P use to say to me that I had depression, that I was suicidal but I ignored him and blew some fine words back to him. I remember one day I had had a gutt-full of Josh and his control. I had wanted to get away from fixing his bloody car and go off riding for the day, but no, he even gave me jobs to do around the shed which was really pissing me off. We went back to the house for lunch (which always included hot pink quik (that nestles pink drinking powder) and bikkies), P and Josh were going to go back to the shed and I said I would be up in a few minutes. But I took off west, on foot, I had no idea where I was going - apart from Coolendel because I was walking on the track - or when I was going to stop. I walked about 5km when I heard the bike coming....remember we are out in the bush too....I wanted to hide, not let him find me, I wanted to be alone but I was hurting at the same time. I prepared myself to scream the shit out of Josh, he was being such a selfish, controlling mongral and I had had enough of it. But it got to neither option. He turned around and headed back - later he told me he didnt think I would walk that far. I remember getting pretty darn drunk that night. 

But P knew that I was pissed off at Josh and made out he was the angel of the farm and ripped the crap out of Josh....I looked to him like a bit of a saviour - finally someone understood me, I wasn't wrong - I was right to think Josh was being an ass.

P is my issue. Someone I trusted. Someone who stood up for me. Someone who pushed it too far. 

I dont think I can do this......I feel like I'm back with Ruth, my psychologist. Aaah!!! Ok....

I was strong within myself, I dont let anything destroy me, I dont let anyone know they have a hold of me, I dont let anyone know they are......I'm strong....I was strong. If something happened I would prove to them it didnt bother me, that I HAD CONTROL, that they couldn't do something that affected me and win. After Josh and I broke up I still went out to Burrier just to prove I didnt need him to be out there, that seeing him and being around him would not affect me, but then I would stop at a mutual friends house on the way home, curl up in a ball and scream how much I hated his control on me!

But then he would ring me and want to meet me in town, he would be drunk (and mostly not driving - Leith would be driving, or Butler), or I would find him drunk in town and get my friend to drive my car out to Burrier and I would drive Josh back in his car, then head home. But it would always end up with him trying to get back with me, and so many times I nearly fell for it. It was doing my head in. 

But one particular night, after a massive night on Friday with Potter and Berna and Saturday night too, Ali and I met at the pub after I had finished work on the Sunday. I lost my ability to be strong that night, I lost self respect, I lost everything. I ended up with a guy I didnt know his name, and then his friend was trying to crack onto me. At about 1am I collected my stuff, sat in the bathroom and tried to figure out an escape route, try to remember where I had left my shoes, my wallet....anything else.....they were on the lounge, but thee was someone sleeping there....but I got my stuff and went. I think I ran the first 1km. I got Berna to pick me up and take me out to work, Nath was working (yes, the man I eventually married!!) and I could have slept the night off in his car I didnt, I rang Josh's house number but he didnt answer, P did. 

Josh didnt give a hoot, he was asleep and told me to "f*** off out of here you slag". Ali had rung Butler and told him I was getting myself into a bit of a pickle and needed some help, so he rang Josh and MADE him come see me for himself, so he knew how the night was going to end, hence calling me a slag. 

I'm not going into detail, not every minute of the rest of the night. I had trusted P to keep me safe, but I wasn't safe, I tried getting out and I couldn't, my self respect was shattered, my will power was shattered, Josh even went to work leaving me there. I was gradually sobering up, knowing full well what was happening was wrong. I got out, picked my pay up from work and went home, sold my honda civic, and 4 weeks later was down in Adelaide for skating nationals. I still went out to Burrier because I wasn't letting P have control over me, I could have reported what he tried to do but I had control, he wasn't going to control me. 

Back to the latest news on him: You see, Josh back then, had little respect for anyone other than his mum.  The amount of times the local dirt bike copper would follow us all the way until the red brick house and then turn around was crazy (thats when the road turned to dirt! Go figure!!), not that we were doing anything wrong - that I knew of, apart from giving him grief because he was an ass of a cop!

Then there was the time we were fixing up the MR truck he had got, repainting it, fixing the motor up etc. I look back now and wonder if that truck was legitimate. There are things I know because I was there - the insider job on a tyre shop, knocking down the house frame because they owed money, the box trailer that had a wheel lock on it half way out there......it soon went! And what about the brand new clothes that appeared one day??

I feel like I have still left out so much info, but this is as much as I can cope with right now. The details aren't necessary anyway. It's the effect on me that is important. That particular night took my strength, took my self respect, took everything I had.

Even 2yrs ago when I went out to Yalwal for the night - by myself, I spent the next morning in the shed with P - just to prove after all this time that he didnt have control over me. Why? Why did I have to prove to myself?? Noone ever takes control of me.....NEVER!! But it had, it controlled everything I had. And even now as I feel rocked by the news of Josh it controls my emotional response......but Josh isn't the issue - remember that.

That thing I dont want to talk about

There are some things that we do in our late teens / early adult life that are just some beyond stupidity.  Sometimes, these 'things' are boyfriends (or for guys, its girlfriends). But in the moment it is fun, thrilling and goes deep into making us who we are.

 
Sometimes we even know that what we are doing isn't the smartest thing to be involved with and sometimes we go through with it anyway. Noone is immuned to stupidity and those who think they are pretty darn smart and haven't done anything stupid haven't had a good look at themselves (or have lived a very sheltered life). 

 
I wasn't immuned and I caught the stupidity disease in a big way.
This guy I went out with was part of the stupidity. I remember telling a friend, Geoff, that I didnt want to go out with him really but if it meant getting back at Trent, then so be it, so thats how it started.  Josh had that smell that I can still smell - a mix of sweat, dirt, oil, cattle - that farmer smell. It wasn't until Saturday just gone when he made the news that my smell memory was reactivated.

 

 He has made the news because he was an 'armed and dangerous fugitive' and there was a state wide search in nsw for him. The police eventually found him after several police chases, and arrested him for armed robberies, resisting arrest, stolen vehicles and the like. The newspaper article said he was aggitated when arrested and taken back to the police station - I can picture it. I can picture him swearing his head off at the police. This wasn't the Josh I knew. Was it??

 
He use to get aggitated when someone would give him grief about the way he is - didnt have a good enough job, treating me better than what he did, work harder on the farm, do this, do that "ya lazy fkn cunt". He took his aggression out in his ute while drunk, or on the bikes and we'd ride through the fire trails.  He knew Burrier better than the back of his hand. (And luckily when the police caught him he was in South Nowra. If he had made it to Burrier, they would NEVER be able to find him).  
We did the rodeo's, musters....but mostly work on the farm.  He use to tell me I couldn't fix the tractor, but P had other ideas and blow the crap out of Josh for telling me what I could and couldn't do. If I wanted to go do the fencing because it needed fixing then he wouldn't let me....I had to stay fix something else but then give the guilt trip "fine, go if you want". It's only as I'm writing this that his guilt trips actually happened. So many times I would sit up at the shed in the ute twiddling my fingers wanting to help but no, that job wasn't for me to do. And people who know me would know I would not cope in that situation. If I want to do it (especially hands on, getting dirty kind of stuff) I would do it. It would be great when I could get into it.
I really wanted to get into the heavier stuff on that farm but he kept stopping me. P would say to me "you wanna then go do it, fuck the cunt of a bastard!" (sorry about the language but it use to get used every second word so unless I use it, you will not get a full idea of the conversations that were spoken as you imagine it). P use to scream obscenities at Josh all the time (well, to anyone really. And screaming means screaming until he was blue!). I was being pulled away from Josh by the things I wanted to do, things that I saw needing to be done, but then pulled towards Josh because he was my boyfriend, I 'loved' him and wanted to spend every minute with him. He use to spend money on me like crazy - phone credit, fuel, rum, you name it.....always made sure I had phone credit so if something happened I could ring him, fuel so I could get in and out of burrier (I was always low on fuel - pretty funny considering I use to work for caltex!!). He would follow me home to make sure I got there safe, drove out to my place and follow me back to Burrier so that he was there if anything happened, I had to be safe. I stopped going to the pubs with my best friends, I drank out there instead because it was safer (according to Josh), everything I did he had to be there so that it was safer....except for this: "If you get pregnant dont come chasing me, I've got nothing to do with it"......righteo....lets make sure that doesn't happen then!! He was concerned about everything else except for that!!

 
It wasn't until a cuppa with a friend yesturday that I actually 'know' this behaviour from him to be controlling, and so was P's. They were both preying on someone who was out of control and needed that little bit of control in a situation that was inviting......
But since seeing him in newspaper articles and hearing about his latest lifestyle choice,  my issues don't lie with Josh in actual fact.  Throughout the time I was with him he was someone I hated to love.

 ......to be continued......