That thing I dont want to talk about #2

Oh crikey, the anxiety that I have running through my heart right now is crazy. I'm not sure what I am going to write or how to write it. I'm not even sure if this is worth writing but I know I've got to get it out, it doesn't matter in what form but it has to be done, and I know there is that gap in my blog....something is missing.....something that doesn't cause my psychosis but certainly adds to it to a degree.

That time I spent with Josh was pretty down. P use to say to me that I had depression, that I was suicidal but I ignored him and blew some fine words back to him. I remember one day I had had a gutt-full of Josh and his control. I had wanted to get away from fixing his bloody car and go off riding for the day, but no, he even gave me jobs to do around the shed which was really pissing me off. We went back to the house for lunch (which always included hot pink quik (that nestles pink drinking powder) and bikkies), P and Josh were going to go back to the shed and I said I would be up in a few minutes. But I took off west, on foot, I had no idea where I was going - apart from Coolendel because I was walking on the track - or when I was going to stop. I walked about 5km when I heard the bike coming....remember we are out in the bush too....I wanted to hide, not let him find me, I wanted to be alone but I was hurting at the same time. I prepared myself to scream the shit out of Josh, he was being such a selfish, controlling mongral and I had had enough of it. But it got to neither option. He turned around and headed back - later he told me he didnt think I would walk that far. I remember getting pretty darn drunk that night. 

But P knew that I was pissed off at Josh and made out he was the angel of the farm and ripped the crap out of Josh....I looked to him like a bit of a saviour - finally someone understood me, I wasn't wrong - I was right to think Josh was being an ass.

P is my issue. Someone I trusted. Someone who stood up for me. Someone who pushed it too far. 

I dont think I can do this......I feel like I'm back with Ruth, my psychologist. Aaah!!! Ok....

I was strong within myself, I dont let anything destroy me, I dont let anyone know they have a hold of me, I dont let anyone know they are......I'm strong....I was strong. If something happened I would prove to them it didnt bother me, that I HAD CONTROL, that they couldn't do something that affected me and win. After Josh and I broke up I still went out to Burrier just to prove I didnt need him to be out there, that seeing him and being around him would not affect me, but then I would stop at a mutual friends house on the way home, curl up in a ball and scream how much I hated his control on me!

But then he would ring me and want to meet me in town, he would be drunk (and mostly not driving - Leith would be driving, or Butler), or I would find him drunk in town and get my friend to drive my car out to Burrier and I would drive Josh back in his car, then head home. But it would always end up with him trying to get back with me, and so many times I nearly fell for it. It was doing my head in. 

But one particular night, after a massive night on Friday with Potter and Berna and Saturday night too, Ali and I met at the pub after I had finished work on the Sunday. I lost my ability to be strong that night, I lost self respect, I lost everything. I ended up with a guy I didnt know his name, and then his friend was trying to crack onto me. At about 1am I collected my stuff, sat in the bathroom and tried to figure out an escape route, try to remember where I had left my shoes, my wallet....anything else.....they were on the lounge, but thee was someone sleeping there....but I got my stuff and went. I think I ran the first 1km. I got Berna to pick me up and take me out to work, Nath was working (yes, the man I eventually married!!) and I could have slept the night off in his car I didnt, I rang Josh's house number but he didnt answer, P did. 

Josh didnt give a hoot, he was asleep and told me to "f*** off out of here you slag". Ali had rung Butler and told him I was getting myself into a bit of a pickle and needed some help, so he rang Josh and MADE him come see me for himself, so he knew how the night was going to end, hence calling me a slag. 

I'm not going into detail, not every minute of the rest of the night. I had trusted P to keep me safe, but I wasn't safe, I tried getting out and I couldn't, my self respect was shattered, my will power was shattered, Josh even went to work leaving me there. I was gradually sobering up, knowing full well what was happening was wrong. I got out, picked my pay up from work and went home, sold my honda civic, and 4 weeks later was down in Adelaide for skating nationals. I still went out to Burrier because I wasn't letting P have control over me, I could have reported what he tried to do but I had control, he wasn't going to control me. 

Back to the latest news on him: You see, Josh back then, had little respect for anyone other than his mum.  The amount of times the local dirt bike copper would follow us all the way until the red brick house and then turn around was crazy (thats when the road turned to dirt! Go figure!!), not that we were doing anything wrong - that I knew of, apart from giving him grief because he was an ass of a cop!

Then there was the time we were fixing up the MR truck he had got, repainting it, fixing the motor up etc. I look back now and wonder if that truck was legitimate. There are things I know because I was there - the insider job on a tyre shop, knocking down the house frame because they owed money, the box trailer that had a wheel lock on it half way out there......it soon went! And what about the brand new clothes that appeared one day??

I feel like I have still left out so much info, but this is as much as I can cope with right now. The details aren't necessary anyway. It's the effect on me that is important. That particular night took my strength, took my self respect, took everything I had.

Even 2yrs ago when I went out to Yalwal for the night - by myself, I spent the next morning in the shed with P - just to prove after all this time that he didnt have control over me. Why? Why did I have to prove to myself?? Noone ever takes control of me.....NEVER!! But it had, it controlled everything I had. And even now as I feel rocked by the news of Josh it controls my emotional response......but Josh isn't the issue - remember that.

That thing I dont want to talk about

There are some things that we do in our late teens / early adult life that are just some beyond stupidity.  Sometimes, these 'things' are boyfriends (or for guys, its girlfriends). But in the moment it is fun, thrilling and goes deep into making us who we are.

 
Sometimes we even know that what we are doing isn't the smartest thing to be involved with and sometimes we go through with it anyway. Noone is immuned to stupidity and those who think they are pretty darn smart and haven't done anything stupid haven't had a good look at themselves (or have lived a very sheltered life). 

 
I wasn't immuned and I caught the stupidity disease in a big way.
This guy I went out with was part of the stupidity. I remember telling a friend, Geoff, that I didnt want to go out with him really but if it meant getting back at Trent, then so be it, so thats how it started.  Josh had that smell that I can still smell - a mix of sweat, dirt, oil, cattle - that farmer smell. It wasn't until Saturday just gone when he made the news that my smell memory was reactivated.

 

 He has made the news because he was an 'armed and dangerous fugitive' and there was a state wide search in nsw for him. The police eventually found him after several police chases, and arrested him for armed robberies, resisting arrest, stolen vehicles and the like. The newspaper article said he was aggitated when arrested and taken back to the police station - I can picture it. I can picture him swearing his head off at the police. This wasn't the Josh I knew. Was it??

 
He use to get aggitated when someone would give him grief about the way he is - didnt have a good enough job, treating me better than what he did, work harder on the farm, do this, do that "ya lazy fkn cunt". He took his aggression out in his ute while drunk, or on the bikes and we'd ride through the fire trails.  He knew Burrier better than the back of his hand. (And luckily when the police caught him he was in South Nowra. If he had made it to Burrier, they would NEVER be able to find him).  
We did the rodeo's, musters....but mostly work on the farm.  He use to tell me I couldn't fix the tractor, but P had other ideas and blow the crap out of Josh for telling me what I could and couldn't do. If I wanted to go do the fencing because it needed fixing then he wouldn't let me....I had to stay fix something else but then give the guilt trip "fine, go if you want". It's only as I'm writing this that his guilt trips actually happened. So many times I would sit up at the shed in the ute twiddling my fingers wanting to help but no, that job wasn't for me to do. And people who know me would know I would not cope in that situation. If I want to do it (especially hands on, getting dirty kind of stuff) I would do it. It would be great when I could get into it.
I really wanted to get into the heavier stuff on that farm but he kept stopping me. P would say to me "you wanna then go do it, fuck the cunt of a bastard!" (sorry about the language but it use to get used every second word so unless I use it, you will not get a full idea of the conversations that were spoken as you imagine it). P use to scream obscenities at Josh all the time (well, to anyone really. And screaming means screaming until he was blue!). I was being pulled away from Josh by the things I wanted to do, things that I saw needing to be done, but then pulled towards Josh because he was my boyfriend, I 'loved' him and wanted to spend every minute with him. He use to spend money on me like crazy - phone credit, fuel, rum, you name it.....always made sure I had phone credit so if something happened I could ring him, fuel so I could get in and out of burrier (I was always low on fuel - pretty funny considering I use to work for caltex!!). He would follow me home to make sure I got there safe, drove out to my place and follow me back to Burrier so that he was there if anything happened, I had to be safe. I stopped going to the pubs with my best friends, I drank out there instead because it was safer (according to Josh), everything I did he had to be there so that it was safer....except for this: "If you get pregnant dont come chasing me, I've got nothing to do with it"......righteo....lets make sure that doesn't happen then!! He was concerned about everything else except for that!!

 
It wasn't until a cuppa with a friend yesturday that I actually 'know' this behaviour from him to be controlling, and so was P's. They were both preying on someone who was out of control and needed that little bit of control in a situation that was inviting......
But since seeing him in newspaper articles and hearing about his latest lifestyle choice,  my issues don't lie with Josh in actual fact.  Throughout the time I was with him he was someone I hated to love.

 ......to be continued......