May 2011 part 2

So there was a suicide in North nowra last night. He was a father of 2. But what would bring this man to do such a thing? How did things become so hard that he had to hang himself in the garage? Did his family know of his inner termoil? There are so many questions that I dont have the answer for, maybe his family cannt even answer these.

So what is your immediate thought of someone who suicides? Does your heart instantly sink? Do you think that they were weak doing such an horrendous act? Or do you think they weren't weak but something else? How does it make you feel knowing that someone took their own life? Does it challenge you to reassess yourself, your life, your problems?

So many people out there in this world will never know or experience the pain of someone suiciding. And even though this is a blessing, they are lacking so much in experience, in knowledge, in life! To have a new understanding of life, a new perspective on emotions, mental health and how life isn't really all that rosey is something that suicide brings to those left behind, as well as heart ache.

So is suicide selfish? How does it affect the ambulance officers? The police? The neighbours? What makes me so angry is when people dont listen to your story, your fight for survival. I didnt want to suicide yet I had to fight my body SO HARD not to. When you are in such deep dark horrendous depression you lose the concept of reality even though you think you've still got it. You lose insight. You lose good feelings. You feel anger, like death warmed up, worthless, like shit! You have no motivation, you cannt eat, you struggle with a simple task of cleaning your teeth, having a shower, changing your clothes. It became so hard for me to fight suicide that it wore me out so much that I just didnt have the energy to do it. I couldn't be stuffed!! Suicide required energy and I didnt have it. I didnt want to but .... I dunno, its hard to explain.

In the eyes of the people left behind, suicide can be seen as selfish, as the easy way out. They are the ones left to deal with the kids without a father or mother, they have to live with unanswered questions, why why why why why????????? Its the easy way out - but there are so many options. Is there?? When you are that depressed and overridden with the black dog...there is no other option. The option of waking up again and having the black dog at your heels, snapping, biting your energy out of you...thats not an option anymore. At some point you say 'enough is enough', 'Ive been strong enough for too long'.

Ive been strong enough for too long - have you ever thought of that? That someone who has suicided has been too strong for too long, that they cannt be the strong one anymore? I hope you do!

Its a fight, an inner fight with your deepest and darkest emotions. To fight takes everything you have and more. To die is gain!

To those of you out there living with depression, anxiety, BPD, chronic fatigue, PTSD and every other non visual illness, you dont need to be strong but you need to be real. Why be strong when you feel like its going to break you? You think people wont understand? Yeah, some wont but guess what - they can go jump for all I care cos the majority of people out there are compassionate and prefer real people. Fakeness sucks yet at the same time...being fake some days just to get through is ok!! If being fake helps get you through the day, then that is awesome, but be real at the same time.

May 2011

Oh what a month or so its been!! Our house has sold and we are pretty much all packed ot move to Toowoomba QLD this week. There are so many things Im going to miss but I dont think its going to hit me until a few weeks into being up there. Apart from family and Trina (who is like my bestest friend....she is my rock!!) there are things like:
Country music radio channel
Nick Reinberger on abc radio
The girls at Gloria Jeans who know what I order and tell me when Im walking in if Im not going to be able to get a chai latte.
Robyn, the check-out chick, from coles who knows my name and my kids names.
Getting Maja out of the shower on Fridays after the school drop off.
Walking down to Trina's in my pj's and making myself a cuppa.
The girls at IMB.
Our next door neighbours, Jim & Yvonne.
Driving out to Cambie along the mad-mile and checking out whats going on at the sale yards, seeing if Mr Taylors plane is in the hanger.
Driving over Good Dog Creek and seeing the tree that was uprooted in the 1988/9 flood that is still growing strong!
Driving past Jaspers paddock (the horse I use to ride as a kid. Nath bought me a professional photo of his paddock a few yrs back...!)

There are so many little things that Im constantly thinking of that Ill miss. I reckon Ill think of more once I press the 'post' button in a while.

My emotions have been all over the place lately. Im mostly excited about moving but missing my family will hit me in a few weeks once we've been up there for a bit. Wondering if my grandmother will be ok in the nursing home, and if the kids will ever see her again - or me, wondering who will mow Bill's lawn (my grandfather)...or who will eat lollies out of his lolly jar that has the kids names on it. I wonder what it will be like at mum and dads on Saturdays now that we wont be there anymore. Will the kids remember everyone when we come back for holidays??

Then theres the things like finding a solicitor, accountant, vets, pet shop, doctors and dentists...the list goes on...and a bank...ok, a building society...I dont do the big banks...they would have to pay me to walk into their buildings lol.

But lately, ive been going to church on a regular basis, its great and I feel so accepted, not judged, safe, relaxed and welcomed. Ive had my moments where I just dont want to go, cannt be stuffed going and just get lazy, but the church ive started going to has been a real wake up call. With being soooo suicidal and having severe depression I seriously hated God with a passion, I was angry....why would the Bible say he is with us always when the times where you needed him most he wasn't there? I would constantly think of that footprints story but that wouldn't help, I'd just get more angry. But going to this church has softened my heart, broken down that brick wall and resentment and I have started to accept things that I just couldn't get passed before. Even now I struggle with the reality that God is out there but studying biology at uni makes me remember just how amazing our bodies are and that is a reminder in itself. I dont need anything else - just a chapter of my bio textbook and Im back into thinking its ok. I haven't read my Bible (yes I have one....somewhere!) in over 5yrs...even at bible study I wouldn't take it. But now, its different. Just because I cannt 'feel' that he's there doesn't mean he's not. It just means that I have a long way to go and that my depression is still deep - with depression you lose all concept of what is good, God is good and therefore I cannt feel that goodness. I just 'know' he's there. Im not huge on telling people Im a christian....I find that most people ive come across are really put off by it, that they become closed to you like they are scared you are going to 'bible bash' them. And at the same time, I want them to know....

When little Chloe Abbott died in January, it was an even more of a wake up call. How dare I want to die when she fought so hard to live. Seeing Grant and Olly’s response to her death was even more of a wake up call. They were so amazingly strong (and Im sure they have their moments) and they were trusting in God so easily....geez, I would be curled up in a ball hiding in my room in an absolute mess screaming all sorts of colourful words at God. Even though He doesn’t seem real at the best of times, all I need to do is look at how our bodies are designed and I know he’s real. I struggle with handing everything over to God when it comes to me, like I cant let go of the controls, but when it comes to the house being up for sale – no worries with handing that over to God, no worries at all. I have spent my entire life coming and going from God and I wonder how long he will put up with that before he says, ‘enough is enough’. So when I look back to that Thursday afternoon in Aug ‘09 when I was heading to the doctors and about to drive off the bridge, when I was driving home again only 40 min later and almost driving off the bridge again, then that night when I was fighting so hard not to put that knife through my heart – he was with me, whether I felt it or not. I know he put Bridie in the car with me that day, that he made sure it was her face that I saw in the rear vision mirror as I checked to see if a car was coming up behind me so I didn’t hit them when I turned the steering wheel. I know he put my friend A in Melbourne on facebook that night so that I would be safe – that he put my friend Joh on facebook at the same time so that, even though we were all 1000km apart – I could be safe and action could be taken about my state of mind and that even though they had never met they could organise a plan of action. I know that God gave us Bridie (who was a week short of 6mths old at the time) so that I would live.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I just hope that if I ever relapse again that I will be able to remind myself of all these realities.

Anyway.....I need a cuppa, want one?? Ill go put the billy on!


Ive also cut my dreads off!!!! Why??? I dunno, maybe its like another part of me is ready to start a new chapter in my life and starting all over again. But Ive still dyed my hair black...I almost went a reddy brown colour but maybe next time. I feel different, but the same. Nath loves it, he hated cuddling me and feeling my 'toilet brush' hair. I miss them, they were my way of saying 'Im different'. Everyone thinks i look great with short hair but I feel like I look like a typical mum lol. Not that that is a bad thing, but I hate the 'typical' look. People saw me with dreads and knew I had a story to tell. Now, Im just normal.

Ive been fairly stressed too with the moving thing, dealing with my family's reaction to it, friends reactions....and my own feelings and thoughts. ive had a fair few moments lately that have stressed me out like driving over the bridge where I think of driving off - or the memory of it and that feeling comes rushing back of what I felt back then. Normally it wouldn't bother me but lately it has - I saw Ruth the other day and she said its cos my emotions are stretched at the moment and its becoming easier to feel those emotions. But Im ok, dont worry!! Its just bothered me more than usual.

Anyway, I have a bubble bath ready for me. Time to relax.....Nath leaves for QLD in the morning and he will be home in 25min from his last ever shift at work :)


Ill write more another time when I dont feel so tired, maybe when I feel like I can express my thoughts and feelings a little easier......