the beginning of journal #3 : 21/10/10 - 3/12/10

21/10/10

Feel like absolute crap hey! Finances suck ass! I hate October for finances!! Could seriously go back to renting - would be less stress for Nath, but really?? In this town, rent would cost us the same amount each week as the mortgage does. Ahh, we could rent and go camping more often, get away a lot easier. We could nick off for 12mths....do home schooling (or would it be tent schooling?)
If we dont hear from the army then I guess we just might have to sell up. Nath needs a decent job and get off night shift.

I hate feeling stressed. It feels like Im going to have a heart attack. The anxiety is insane. Its horrible!
Only a few more weeks to go for uni. I hope I do well, I dont expect fantastic marks but I hope I do better than just 'ok'. (Ok, so reality - Im still not happy unless its at the top. I will be soooooo disappointed if I get anything less than a D. Im trying to convince myself that I dont expect fantastic marks...but really, I DEMAND!!!! good marks!!)
Gee Im putting on weight hey. My stomach is soooo flabby, All I do is eat...lately anyway. Im back up to 74kg!! Thats pretty much 5kg that Ive put on in 12mths!! I look like an oompa loompa - short, fat, stocky...all I need is a bald head with a mini pony tail. Im back up to size 12-14 clothes too! Sucks! and my stomach is one of those 'hang over' ones. It looks horrible. I hate my body. I want to stop eating but its like Im eating for the hell of it, like Im bored or something. The last time my stomach grumbled was sooooo long ago that I cannt remember!! I am constantly having thoughts of anorexia-ism (is that a word??). I have these tiny little thoughts that pop up that I could do it...its like its my evil little angel sitting on my shoulder saying 'your fat, ugly, look at you you ugly rancid beast!' and I really struggle staying on the side of the good angel who says 'noone but dogs like bones'.

I have nooooo motivation whatsoever hey. Nath says I should be going for walks, getting outside and do something but that idea can just go to hell!! All I want to do is either sleep or lay on the lounge and watch movies.
Im worried about Trina, I just keep reminding her that she cannt just 'snap out of it' like she keeps saying that she will.
Depression sucks.

3/11/10

Had psych exam today. I think I did pretty well.
Ive been feeling good lately. Im rethinking my plan of coming off my medication. The chance of relapse is too high at this point in time.
Ally is still not well, there are so many things she has to sort through and with BPD - there is no 'cure' for it. DBT can help with the stressors and relationship problems, but that is no cure! It is soooo frustrating!!
Anyway, I feel kind of drained. Emotionally that is. We had a huge disagreement with bible study but that is all sorted, I think??
On Saturday at mum and dads (mum is in Zimbabwe with Rosina) I had a quick flick through mums little journal that she has sitting in the back room. It doesn't have much in it but 25th Aug '09 she wrote that she was very frightened for me and felt very sad. My entire body instantly felt different. It was like I all of a sudden felt what mum must have felt last year, and it was only a few short words that she wrote. As I read it I instantly put myself in her place - what if I was writing that about one of our girls, or Jonty?? It took a good 10min or more for that feeling to ease. It was like I was frozen and couldn't move. I felt different all day after that. The more I thought of it the more my body ached.

Am I glad I didnt go through with my suicides? Yeah, I think I am. Am I still angry with j & A? Yeah, but not as much. I still feel hurt and sometimes want to lash out at them but not as much. They did what they thought they had to do, even if I thought it was wrong. Im glad that I was friends with them but sometimes - many times - I wish I never got them involved. I wish I never spoke to A.
Why does life do this to us? Why do we get hurt and lied to?? Why do friends come and go? It sucks! Especially people who I thought I was connected with. I want to spend an entire forever with them. As much as I have wanted to push them away, all I have ever wanted was for them to apologise and to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok!

Im tired and Im wanting to go to bed, but I want to stay up and do nothing. Be still and know that everything will be ok!
I love my kids so much. I hope I can be there for them and never let them down. I hope that as they get older that I can help them grow into beautiful people and steer them in the right direction. This is one thing I refuse to fail at!! Im gunna do my utmost best to help them be strong, confident people, to help them realise their abilities and to encourage them to do their best. I want to be there for them. They are the reason why Im still alive today. I survived suicide for them and have got to the point where I can almost believe that I will be ok.
I love you guys. I hope you know deep in your hearts that you are precious and worthy of love! xoxox

10/11/10

Had BCSS exam today. Glad that one is over huh!! Was quite hard, if I pass Ill be happy - that is my honest thinking!!
Wonder how Ally is going? She hasn't been too good lately. They've been buying lost of furniture lately and painting too I think. Hope it gives her something to focus on, something good.
So glad I dont have uni any more. I can have normal nights now without sitting in front of the computer, without reading, doing assignments, having deadlines! Bring it on!!

Mum comes back from Zimbabwe tomorrow. Woohoo!!
I wish J and A would send me a message! Something personal! Our friendship is still nothing like it was but Im more relaxed with how it is now. I know I dont have to hear from them. But I still wish I did. Maybe I should send J something - ask her about uni, what she is in for next year, something like that.

27/11/10

Been going alright since uni has finished for the year. Early nights are awesome. I am sleeping sooo much. I think Ive worked it out that Im getting a D for bcss and a C for psych - would have thought it would be the other way round. Well I guess Ill fing out once the results are out.
Been meaning to write it for yonks but everytime I get over stressed, over pushed or emotionally pushed I get to the point where I want to hurt myself. And its a daily fight. I have for like, well, always just never thought much of it in the past year, I just ignore it cos I know the feeling goes away, eventually, plus Im busy - Ive got things to do. Ive just noticed it so much more lately and Im writing it now cos its finally a good time to remember it and write it out. I think of places where I could cut myself and where people wouldn't see, like my thigh, stomach. My arms would be too noticeable. Its a fight with the good and evil angels on my shoulders again....I know I shouldn't and that is mostly cos Nath gets upset. I imagine the process instead and its nowhere near as good as the physical job but its what i can do without arguments.


Haven't got much to write really. Ive been really questioning whether I should come off efexor or not. Looking at the stats I know that this is going to be an ongoing battle.


2/12/10

I seriously dont feel like moving today or doing anything. I have no motivation at all. I feel tired all the time, Im putting weight on so I feel fat and feral. I know if I tell R or Dr M they will tell me to get out and exercise. Its so hard cos I know it will make me feel better but I dont want to do anything.
I forgot about cooking dinner too, again. I cannt be stuffed doing any washing most days and Im losing all care about how I go about my day.
Im going deeper and deeper into depression. I can feel it. There is no thought of suicide or anything like that, I just do not want to deal with anyone or anything.
I think too now that uni has finished for the year that I have a void to fill. Its like Im back to nothing to keep me going everyday. No wonder i started feeling good at the end of the year when uni started.
I wish I had the motivation to get going everyday. Maybe I should see R again, I was suppose to see her a month ago when my exams were on but time has got away from me.
I feel like sleeping the entire day no matter how much sleep I get. I could seriously sleep the rest of my life away.
So do I go back to drinking again?? Sometimes I wish I could be drunk 24/7 and have no responsibilities, just to lose myself into oblivion for a while.
Been having some really violent dreams lately too. And they are all at night time - well, they are very dark 9its not day time) with rapes, suicide, murder and frustration with myself.
Ally is back in hospital. I haven't heard from her so Im not really sure on how she is going but she did send me a quick email saying she was on day leave. I really hope they sort something out for her. Cannt see why they couldn't try lithium - she really needs a mood stabiliser.
Anyway I feel like I have been writing in here for ages - more than the pages show. Im in a scribble mood. Just wanna scribble stuff and focus on something that takes me away to la la land.
Anyway, gotta go wake Nath up for work. Then its a cuppa, shower and bed time...Internet is super slow so haven't been on fb much.

(the next 2 pages are full of scribbles - half a face, eyes, a nose, lips, sharp lines, treble and bass clefs, a little piece of writing: "The hiding place of reality is within her body, within her soul; A place where noone can steal away the feeling of blah!", roller skates a love heart with sharp lines of different angles inside it and similar lines surrounding it)

3/12/10

Still feel like its a bad depression episode. My head is in an ok place but I have all the physical symptoms. Im tired and I dont care anymore. Fuck off world and leave me in peace.

9/8/10 - 14/10/10 (end of journal #2)

9/8/10

Im coping ok so far, knowing that 2 days ago was when Joh took me to casualty last year. Remember the nurse? He was sincere, I wish I knew his name.
So Im going to get through another day, its mentally hard even though I feel like Im not fighting anything. Dreamt last night I met up with Rach in a park in Sydney, found her in a toilet block. I was trying clothes on and she was on leave from rehab that was on 'disability street'. She looked heaps skinnier and younger, then there was like a voice coming from a loud speaker commenting on a 4wd going up the road on the tram tracks without being in 4wd. Weird dream. My dreams are all weird!!

I quiver at the thought of Charmaine Dragun (ch 10 News reader who suicided at the Gap) - even writing her name is hard and its starts off an anxiety attack. Same goes with Mark Priestley ('Dan' from All Saints). I think of their high profile life and how they went about life on screen with noone 'out there' knowing what was really going on. Mark was fairly open about his depression and I remember him being on Sunrise once speaking about it......but that didnt help did it??!! And Charmaine was on Efexor.....same as me!

I need to make an appointment to see R again, but its my last one for the year, I think.

I want someone to tell me everything about last year - I want to see me from an outsiders point of view - I want to read my notes from hospital. I want to know everything.

10/8/10

Ally was discharged the other week - last week I think. Her, Grant and the kids are coming to visit on Sunday!!! I sooooo cannt wait!!!!

15/8/10

Ally, Grant and the kids visited today. Was really good :) but slightly awkward talking hospital stuff with nath & Grant there. I really hope Ally starts believing in herself, she is afraid to come good I think.....strike, I know I am.

I feel ok, drained from uni, but I feel good mentally, I think. I still have moments of crapness but I try to ignore it, not that I should be ignoring it but I just dont give it much thought. But really, I dont have time.....I just get on with what I have to do. Its what has brought me down, ignoring my reality but I seriously have better things to do than think.

27/8/10

I spent last weekend with Ally. She was sooo suicidal on Friday night and so Saturday I got Mum to look after the kids and I went up to see her. Community health rang me from her place to see if I was coming up - she refused to go with them to hospital. So Saturday we just hung out at her place and I left a bit before Grant got home. I told him that I would come back up in the morning and take her to cas and Al was ready to be admitted again with that plan. So I got up there a bit before lunch, her bag was packed and off to Shellharbour hospital we went. She is sooooooo much like me when Im suicidal - I go from hyper and talkative, laughing and then all of a sudden - blank, nothing! And the stupid friggin' doctor who came to do her obs was sooooo rude!!!!!!! I reckon I was this close to being kicked out!! She was giving her a lecture on contraception and how silly it was of her to have 5 kids. I gave it to this woman, who the fuck does she think she is???? And how dare she treat a patient that way!!!! We eventually saw the psychiatrist - he was nice and explained things. Al hated him but I explained it to her in non-med language and what it meant. He told me that Grant, me and everyone else cannt jump everytime she says she is going to suicide - that the responsibilty IS partly hers and that if she does suicide then we should not feel guilty because we couldn't stop it. And just cos she is suicidal doesn't mean she gets admitted either, that she needs to stop relying on everyone to do things for her, to make her better and that she needs to start helping herself get better too.

So going through all this, my depression is under control. Nath was sooooo worried it would drag me down....and it still might. But I feel good. I reckon I could stop taking efexor hey but Im on such a high dose I would have to do it slowly.

Going through last weekend with Ally has made me stronger and so thankful that Im not where she is at now. I just read a bit of my journal entries from hospital - all that suicide stuff. It feels like it wasn't real. doesn't even feel like a bad dream. All the emotions are there and I understand it but it doesn't feel like reality.

I heard some beautiful piano music the other day - wish I could play it but at the same time Im so glad that I dont play anymore. Its like it belongs to my old life and that I cannt have it as part of my 'new life'. I wonder why? I almost feel glad that I dont play anymore and even thought about selling it, but I wont, maybe the kids will wanna learn.

I dont want to ever feel like I did this time last year. Im thankful I didnt suicide 'cos even though all the cliched talk about it is crap - its true.  The past year has seriously been life changing - for good :) Gee Im sounding like someone who is 'all better'.
Anyway bed is calling with my hot water bottle :)

1/9/10

Felt like curling up in bed and not moving at all today. I wish i had that luxury sometimes - although i reckon I would never get up lol. I feel down-ish tonight but I dont want to sleep or talk about it. I dont want to do anything. Shut-the-house-up kind of day :(

2/9/10

I wanna come off efexor. I hate it.

4/9/10

Ive been so easily pissed off with the kids lately. Everything is taking my energy and Im feeling really down. I was really quiet at mums today. I just want to be a wombat!! Nath thins its a bad idea for me to come off efexor and think I should see a psychiatrist instead of Dr M. Im so tired hey. I want peace around me. Not just the kids to be less full-on but I dont want anyone around me. There is sooo much noise and happenings that I feel like I cannt keep up.
I need to see R.

15/9/10

I saw Dr M the other day. he almost let me drop my dose, if I really wanted to but he wasn't happy for that and said there was too much chance of a relapse this early on. he also said the relapse would probably be worse too.
There was a massive crash on the bridge the other night with a car going over into the river - a 30yr old male died. It brought back massive memories of when i was going to drive off and drown. Its definitely another trigger!! And all the conversations people are having about it are slightly distressing. The talk of how horrible it would be to drown.....Then at bible study the talk about Christians and suicide, whether its a 'sin' or whatever and whether they would go to heaven or not brought on an anxiety attack. Thursdays give me anxiety attacks every week so it was no different.

I wanted to listen to 'Evanescence' the other day when i was feeling low but I knew it would make me worse so I only had them playing for 10min or so. Nothing like them, Korn, System of a Down, Linkin Park.....my old faves when I feel like shit!!

I started a blog too on my life as it relates to depression, suicide etc. I want people to read it and have it change theirs or someone Else's life in some sort of way. My story is sooooo not spesh!! Not is it unique but Im putting it out there on the internet hoping someone will stumble on it one day and be moved in any way, shape or form. Writing so much blog is what is causing the major anxiety attacks today I reckon. I haven't had them this bad for a long long long long time. They weren't too distressing but gee I feel like crap - as in fatigue and mentally dead!!
In my blog I did the beginning of my journal. Emotionally raw still hey. Had to stop a few times to catch my breath and stop myself from feeling like Im gunna have a heart attack.

Im aching to see R next Tuesday. I think after today Im in serious need of talking to her!!

20/9/10

There was something I was going to write in here and now I cannt think of it.
So until I remember Ill write gibbeldy goop!

Been going ok lately (Oh I remember now...hehe!!). Off to see R in the morning, finally!! Not sure what we will go through!

Friday night (this is what I had forgotten....she is gunna shoot me lol) was Trina's 30th! I sunk sooooooo many cowboys and bundy's and gee it felt soooooooooo good!!!!! Jenine and I were ripper drunks smashing that dance floor, stacking it and making fools of ourselves. Maja and I stitched Jo L up with a dbl turkey hehehehe.....had the asian eyes happening big time. We all had so much fun hey :) And as usual, I have the knack of drinking like Ive just come out of a desert and not have a hang over!!! I love my drinking style ;)
Wrote more blog tonight. Ive done up to day 10 so far. Haven't had anymore anxiety attacks which is great - although Friday I felt like I had one all day long.
Well, I wanna sleep, sorta! I wanna stay up all night doing uni and not pay for it...but thats uni with kids!

22/9/10

Ally is having her gall stones out today!! Hope she going ok!!
Had an awesome sesh with R yesturday. Going back beginning of November and talk about starting a mood diary so that in January I can go back to Dr M and so ' here look....I can do it'.
I feel fat hey!! Im sick of being 'fat' but I just cannt be stuffed doing anything about it. Its just another thing Ive gotta worry about. And I know exercise with depression is a good thing but I seriously wanna go curl up and not live!! In a way I care....seriously dont wanna be fat, but at the same time I dont care....im over it and dont need something else to piss me off!

Best go do some house work hey. All the washing is put away, just got another load to put out.

Uni lectures are calling too! Submitted research report the other night. Hope I do ok with it. I really want to do well, just gotta be careful I dont set unrealistic goals for myself.

Bridie is so cute hey! She's walking around with the dustpan and broom wiping things. Funny stuff :)

i wonder how many people are reading my blog hey. I left a stack out about how I was really pissed off with K, hope she doesn't read it either!!
Wonder if J or A have read anything and if they have, what do they think??? Do they still want to talk to me???? Wouldn't blame them if they never did....I have given them an absolute beating in these journals. J had 2 skin cancers removed lately. Hope it hasn't interfered with uni too much for her. She works so friggin' hard.

Anyway, its 9am - got stuff to do. Best get cracking.

Note to self: Steer clear of facebook today :/

8/10/10

Been writing lots on my blog lately. So many people are reading it hey and then telling me how wonderfully strong I am. Im not strong, god!!!! I just had patience for the meds to kick in (patience like a friggin' saint apparently hahahaha).
Every time one of the kids (and its mainly Jonty or Amy) say that they missed me, like if I go shopping or something, I feel soooooo relieved I didnt go through with the suicides. That would have really ruined them!! What was I thinking? I must have been pretty darn suicidal and depressed to convince myself that they would be ok.
I dont have much more to write tonight.

Im loving psych study too. Its so interesting.

Im getting rid of a LOT of my old piano music books too. Church is having a garage sale (fundraiser for the kids ward at hospital) and Im donating it ALL there....I still have lots in the 2 boxes in the cupboard which I should pull out too for them. I dont think Ill ever play again. Its been an entire year and I dont miss it one bit. The thought of selling the piano has crossed my mind but I will keep it for the kids, just in case they want to learn when they are older.

Nath and I have been good lately too but we clash in certain idea's on mental health, suicide, coping mechanisms etc. Im just wishing he understood what it feels like to go through it so that he isn't so, umm, i dunno...that he would realise that sometimes you just cannt 'man-up'. Same with others who tell me that you just have to tell yourself that you just have to cope with whats going on. But its not about 'not coping'. Why do people think that? Some try to tell me its cos I was trying to do too much and that really pisses me off. Its also got nothing to do with that, and with a mental health disorder!! Some people just have one way of thinking about stuff and dont change despite other information they are told.

Wow I reckon 1 or 2 more entries and this diary is finished! night night!! xoxox

The warmth of the sun
penetrates my skin
as I lay here.
The birds in the background
ring in my ears
as I lay here.
The peace within
my soul is refreshing,
knowing Im far from
where I was.
As I lay here I wonder,
I ponder and breath
knowing its meant to be.
The purpose of this
is my love of people.
The caring soul of this
girl wants to change someone.
I lay here, sun on my skin
Wind in my hair
and am blessed to have
made it this far.

Rolling into the night
down that red dirt road
Im leaving my troubles behind,
taking my millions of tears
that have fallen.
The despair has gone,
the fire in my eyes is back.
The lotus flower in my heart
has begun to blossom.
For the fire is flickering,
let the flame dance,
slow the fire down,
let it simmer,
may it burn forever and not go out.
My heart is warm
and my hope is alive
as I roll into the night down that
red dirt road.

14/10/10

Gee my anxiety's been high tonight. I know my heart isn't racing but it feels like it is. I feel kinda shaky, my head feels heavy and Im struggling to concentrate on uni which really sucks.

The urge to do it isn't there but I keep looking at my scars and wanting to add to them. Maybe of them are very faded and not there anymore....I WANT them visible.

I know if I let on to Nath and mum that they will say I shouldn't be doing uni, that Im doing too much. Amy is pulling her hair out again.

Ill come good. Worried about Ally. Im NOT going to feel guilty for her suicide, I cannt!!!! Its her choice, I understand her reasons :(

White and pale
you barely shine,
only I know you are there.
I like you,
reminding me of what you were
created for.
Small & round.
I see you there,
on the night
the history you give
what you were created for.
I want more,
to make you shine,
you feel the pain again.
It's so wrong
to think of you again,
to bring you
to life once more,