Here we go again!!!

2 days in to the new year and I cannt believe Im here to see another year. Ive turned 30 (4 days ago), spent NYE with some great friends and family, eaten way too much, sunk some rum and been to the beach. (We've been back in Nowra for the past week). Each christmas day, birthday. NYE, and pretty much every other day I think "I wasn't going to be here" or "Didnt think I'd live to see my 30th" -  things along the line that reminds me of depression and suicide. Im far past living that hellish shite but I think of it so often. And then there is the times of handling knives, lighters, trees, the local bridge down here in Nowra, or the Menangle Bridge on the Hume Hwy. All those seemingly meaningless, piddley, every day items and places that give me that flash back.

Flash backs are nothing sinister, they are just a trigger for that memory that has been encoded deep down into my soul, just like the smell of lobster reminds me of birthdays camping at the beach, or the smell of damper reminding me of the outback, its a trigger and thats all there is to it. My memories don't get me down, they dont make me stop and reminisce, but it doesn't mean I dont remember - I just don't let it have a grasp on me.

But there are some triggers that really get to me - dreadlocks!! Oh I really want them back. I spot them out a mile away on someone. I see them and feel different instantly. They make me feel somewhat sad (ok, maybe not sad....thats not the right word), but free. I see dreads and think of them as being like artwork - they expressed something only the painter knew - everyone else's reaction were based on their experience.  I dont know why I cut them off - I do - but what possessed me to get rid of them??!! I know they were a symbol and getting rid of them just before we moved was another symbol of a fresh start from a sub/unconscious position but why did I do it?? I want them back!! I've done some seriously stupid things in my life, but this tops the lot!! I know its just hair but....what can be my next symbol of life as it is??

Another crazy, stupid thing Ive done is dye my hair red!! Oh gee I hate it.....gimme black again!!!! It doesn't look bad but what on earth is going on with me??!! I have been thinking red for a while, but what tha??!! I actually did it, very much annoyed at myself! Thank goodness that my hair was already quite dark and it didn't show up too much.

There are some things that I'm struggling to let go of what I know. Everything that represents depression/suicide/hospital etc is gradually disappearing but by bit, one thing at a time - just thankful that my tattoo is permanent and not going anywhere!! Everything that Ive known my entire life is rapidly moving out of my memory where it feels like it wasn't real - I know it was real but it just doesn't feel like it.  I'm not scared of the future, I'm scared of losing the past.

I heard the other day that us women are really good at holding on to the past - things like anniversaries are important to us. I couldn't agree more. We hold on to the past - I don't want to admit to myself that I don't have the body of a pre-baby/20yr old Laura so I keep going to buy a bra that I 'think' fits when I know it wont - but only just wont, but then reality kicks in. Its like having the pre-baby /skinny-you photo out to look at, to remind you of what you used to be. We get pissed off at wedding anniversaries being forgotten by a certain person, we love birthdays, love chatting about stuff that has happened in the past..things of the past are important to me. I feel like the past is who I am. I know the past doesn't make me who I am, but in a way we aren't who we are without living what we have. I guess its the same with this blog. Part of me wants to write and write and write about depression, suicide, the in's and out's of emotions but what else can I write?? What if I stop writing about what I have gone through and someone out there doesn't read my posts which have those  bits in them?? Oh dear....
Oh boy am I blubbering on and rambling. Time to post this and go to bed. We're heading back to QLD tomorrow :)

some funny truths about me.

Just because I can and its a little bit silly, funny and you get to know me a little more!

 Last song you listened to? Lady Antebellum "Kiss goodnight" (only because Im singing it in my head!)

 Last kiss? Tonight from Bridie
 Last phone call? This arvo to Mum
 Last text message? To Kirsty, From Kirsty...

 Last time you cried? Last week, kinda last night.

HAVE YOU EVER:

 Dated someone twice? Oh yeah and wasn't that a mistake

 Been cheated on? Yep!

 Kissed someone and regretted it? Oh yeah!

 Lost someone special? Yeah, robbie vaughn from school and Gando a little later, then a friend just this week to cancer.

 Been depressed? yep

 Been drunk and threw up? is the pope catholic?

 

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:(somehow 12-14 are MIA!!)

 

Made a new friend? yep, lots - moving 1200km will do that!

 Laughed until you cried? yep, when my neighbours burmese mountain dog jumped on Kase the other week and tried humping her!!

 Met someone who changed you? mmmm.....well, not over night....but it did happen

 Found out who your true friends were? still finding out

 Found out someone was talking about you? oh yeah...isn't that awkward!

RANDOM QUESTIONS:

 What did you do for your last Birthday? I was at the beach with my family!

 What time did you wake up today? 7am...serious sleep in!

 Name something you CANNOT wait for? My kids to realise they are NOT slaves!

 Last time you saw all of your siblings at the same time? Easter this year (2011)...or was it September?? mmm, now Im not sure!

 What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Change?? Would make it so I wasn't always broke!

 What are you listening to right now? Nothing....I think I can hear the bubbles in the fish tank

 Who's getting on your nerves right now? Certain people

 Most visited webpage? facebook, none other!

 Favourite colour? blue

 Nicknames? kiwi, lauz

 Relationship Status? married with 4 children, 2 dogs, 2 bearded dragons and 6 fish

 Zodiac sign? capricorn

 Male or female? female, of course!

 Primary school? Coowerwull Public, Cambewarra public, Nowra Christian Community.

 Secondary School? NCCS, Bomaderry High

 High school/college? AMEB, ICI, UNE

 Write w/e you want here? I had to frown at the "w/e" and figure out what it meant. Im usually good on these things....tonight Im a little on the slow side!

 Height? 162cm

 Do you have a crush on someone? According to my dream last night it was a police officer.....haha

 What do you like about yourself? that I can go to sleep and wake up every morning not knowing what day it is EVERY day!

 Piercings? yep, 3 lobes, 1 cartledge up high, 1 tragus on right, 2 lobes on left, 1 belly piercing

 Tattoos? 1 massive one between shoulders

 Righty or lefty? righty

FIRSTS:

 

 First piercing: ears at 11yrs

 First best friend:kate mcnally

 First hookup:daniel button...aged 4yrs

 First sexual encounter:lets not go there, mum will be reading this!

RIGHT NOW:

 

 Eating:nothing, but hankering for water!

 Drinking: nothing either

 I'm about to: clean teeth and choof off to bed

 Listening to: the same bubbles popping in the fish tank that were popping not long ago!

 

 Waiting for:my bladder to burst!

YOUR FUTURE:

 

 Want kids? got kids!\

 Get married? got married!

 Career? psyc would be nice....!

WHICH IS BETTER:

 

 Lips or eyes? eyes

 Hugs or kisses? hugs

 Shorter or taller? taller

 Older or Younger? older

 Romantic or spontaneous? spontaneous....either though....

 Nice stomach or nice arms? arms!

 Sensitive or loud? inbetween possible??

 Hook-up or relationship? hook ups were always fun, no strings attached kinda thing! But then things change and the r'ship is soo much more stable!

HAVE YOU EVER:

 

 Kissed a stranger? yep
 Drank hard liquor? always!

 Lost glasses/contacts? nup

 Sex on first date? mmmmm

 Broken someone's heart? oh yeah!

 Been arrested? nup

 Turned someone down? yep

 Cried when someone died? oh yeah!

 Fallen for a friend? yeah, you get that!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

 

 Yourself? to a point

 Miracles? yep!

 Love at first sight? possible

 Heaven? yep

 Santa Clause? Im the big fat guy in this house!

 Kiss on the first date? oh yeah, nothing like a smackaroony on da choppa!!

 Angels? yep

AND FINALLY:

 

 What was your favourite kiddys show? humphrey

 Did you sing today? yep

 Who from all your ex's have you cared the most about? andrew
 If you could go back in time, how far would you go? about 2hrs and go to bed

 Out of everything in the world what do you wish for? my kids to live in a bubble so they are safe

 Are you afraid of falling in love? nope.....falling outta love, yes!

Do you like the way you look? hell no!

A Massive Year Almost Complete!!

There has been so much going on this year and yet we survived. I can almost taste the freedom that a new year may bring. So what hasn't happened this year?
Amy started school and then the house went on the market which sold in a matter of weeks which meant moving sooner than we thought and missing out on our Cape York trip.
So we moved 1200km north into QLD and moved in with the inlaws which turned out to be chaotically and emotionally draining which saw us moved out weeks later into the house in the clouds.
Nath got a job almost instantly which was amazingly great!! What a change to Nowra where you couldn't get another job worthy of leaving such a stable one.
The girls settled into school without much of a drama. Amy settled in really well but Kasey took a little longer.
Amy's hair pulling continued to increase and eventually ended up with her being so stressed with everything that one particular day she was constipated, then had the runs....it was far too much for her coping with change that I had her assessed over the phone with the USQ psychology clinic. They accepted her a couple of days later and the weekly sessions with her psychologist started. She wasn't too sure at first and of course 'Red-Ted' came as he did everywhere. It started out with me staying in the session with her but we (her psyc and I) both realised that when she wasn't sure of how to answer she would look at me to help her. So that lead her to having sessions without me. Over the time, she learnt about emotions, calming and relaxation, stress, who she is, what makes her special but one thing I believe it has done is made her more susceptible to change. Her clothes, socks, shoes, hair, routine for brekky, bed....you name it, it cannot change! every single day its the same clothes for school and I have to either wash them at night and have them dry by the morning or buy 2 or 3 of everything (which works wonders!!!!!).
As for Kasey, she got sick, nothing intense but sick nonetheless and never seemed to get better so 3mths later I took her to the GP who thought her symptoms suggested glandular fever. The medications weren't relieving the symptoms, it didn't matter what we did so bloods were done and it came back saying that she did have GF but NOT within 2mths of the blood test.
So it was off to a paediatrician who charged a fortune to say "She doesn't exercise enough....don't know what it is so go see this guy...". How furious could that make me!!??!! So a 3wk wait saw us in Brisbane at The Wesley Medical Centre seeing a paediatric rheumatologist (who charged almost dbl of the paed back home). He was brilliant and tested her mobility.....she doesn't have the worse case of hyper extension but she has it along with weak muscles that are struggling as they work like normal muscles but also trying to keep her joints from over extending. She has rehab 6 times weekly where she has to be doing low impact exercise like walking, bike riding and swimming. We are not anal about it as she is super active, always chasing the dogs, climbing trees, running, playing....
It was during these months that she had almost every day off school. My aunt also had a blood test organised for her in regards to IgG food intolerance's which came back with a slightly impressive list. She still needs to bloods done to rule out Lupus and other autoimmune diseases, and to also check her connective tissue health. Poor kid has been pocked and prodded but its worth it despite the amount of "I hate you's" I get from her!
Her symptoms use to vary from headaches, earaches, sore throat, swollen glands, unreadable fever )feels very hot yet temp was in normal range), lethargy, fatigue, body aches particularly wrist and ankles.
She has been a hard case to deal with but we are starting to get answers.
Her food intolerance's are hard to remember.....this is some of them :)
Wheat, gluten, dairy, beetroot, peanuts, oranges, cane sugar, cocoa, yeast, pork......

Her diet is very restrictive and she is starting to get used to it, and so are we. Ive come off gluten, wheat, dairy etc to support her, as is the others just without knowing it. I'm making more and more things from scratch, the bikky and slice recipes are trial and error but we are getting there!

Then there has been my health. Just after glandular fever came into the diagnoses for Kasey, I got ripper sick with this cough. As normal I fought it with asthma meds which didn't help and because so much of my attention was focused on Amy, Kasey, uni and then just normal very day life I just figured I would let it go away.....but only a month ago I started getting seriously sharp pains in my chest - serious enough for me to go to the GP the next day. So to confirm my suspicion, he said it was Pleurisy. I was put on prednisone for 5 days which worked a treat! Until a week ago (I had been off prednisone for a week) when the coughing started and the phlegm was coming up every single time.....its only time for the sharp pains to come back so Ive put myself back on the prednisone. If it doesn't work for good this time, or the next time I will go back and organise a chest xray. And as usual its my right lung suffering the most 0 the lung which had the peanut in it as a kid.

Uni exams are over and I managed credits!! Which part of me is a little disappointed despite knowing I did what I could. The other bit of me is knowing that despite all that has been going on Ive done good and should be happy!!

Naths had a rough time with work always on strike or having stand down days cos they cannt get the stock in with road closures etc from all the rain. He starts a new job tomorrow at a farm equipment welding mob out there. Starts off as full time and is being paid for his time off over Chrissy despite not having holidays, so it sounds good - fingers crossed it stays good. He will get paid more and there is plenty of overtime....wooooohoooo!!

My mind is feeling great, I dont feel lost, lonely or anything. So many people wanted it to not work out for me just to prove a point that it was a bad decision moving, but its been great. Bloody hard yakka, but great. I live on a mountain with the best view!! Surrounded by farms....its cool!! Yeah Im still on antidepressants but life has been that chaordic (chaotic/orderly) that it would be silly to even think of coming off them.

Ive come across some hard times with friends some old school friends and new friends. One went missing only to be found to have suicided, another in a serious case of trouble in the supreme court system on some serious charges, and also domestic violence. Its opened my eyes and really hit me the reality of shit out there.

Its been a tough year, its seriously been tough, but Ive fought through with no drama's really. My kids are on the mend, both girls have long term health problems/issues that will always need attending to and then the mental stability as I deal with the rest that life has thrown us.

I miss my dreads but this is a new chapter with a new hair style. Maybe I need a new tattoo to symbolise a new start somewhere too.....what a shame that would be :) Would love the southern cross, the boxing kangaroo, fed flag.....rm williams horns would be the ultimate I reckon.....or all of them....!!

So cheers to 2011, you my dear friend have been a test of true character. May 2012 be little less crazy and testing!!