I cannt believe what I did this arvo!! Did I really just do what I think I did?? I was in a tute (Im at an intensive/res school for uni til Monday arvo for my psyc206 cognitive psyc unit) and it was a debate on the validity of recovered memories.....basically, there is lots of evidence saying that recovered memories are valid - whether they are real or false memories is not the problem - they are real for that person and we need to respect that. Afterwards we had a discussion about it. I told them my memory of being in hospital getting the peanut out of my lung, how Stephen died and wasn't there when I got back....yada yada yada....(if you dont know the story go to one of my very first blogs - all the details are there) and how that session with Dr W (I think it was...well thats his initial anyway...) the psychiatrist probed me enough to talk about it. And this is something I never went through with Ruth, not sure why, I just didnt. My memory is warped. My memory is tricking me, or maybe its not. The problem is that I dont think Stephen died, I know he existed - I can clearly picture his name on top of his bed on the wall, and was in that bed....but I have no recollection of him after my operation. I dont know if he died, I dont know if we had brekky together again. Maybe he didnt exist and is a fabrication of my 'fantasy'. But I know he was real. Maybe its a classic trauma repressed memory that has been retrieved wrongly. I question anything and everything about memory now. But I cannt believe I did it - I said it out loud that I dont know....all that I know is that he is/was a real kid in that bed.
I feel like such a flipping idiot, that a false memory that was repressed for soooooo long was killing me on the inside. What is worse is that I have bottled it up for the last 18mths. I remember in a session with Ruth we were talking about something and I instantly knew my memory was warped about Stephen. It was a light bulb moment - aha! I got it - I was wrong all along!! Stupid!!
Maybe as a child we perceive things differently. They dont know what the right words are to use to explain things, they cannt see everything with the big picture in mind - they dont have that life experience us adults have (well, most have!). So Ive somehow made up this fabrication that I have told myself over and over and over and over again so many times that I believed it. Or is that what I really remember about hospital - friends and death???? Maybe it was the girl in the bed opposite to me that died, maybe not. And what about that ghostly figure I saw??? That nurse who looked as if her feet were through the floor and I could only see her from the ankles up - the one in the old style nurses uniform - hat and all. She came to my bed and told me everything would be alright. Was that a figment of my imagination???
Memories suck ass!! Is what we remember really real?? Is what we see real or is our brain tricking us?? Is what Im seeing out my window real?? Or is it what my brain knows to be real so its there for me to see?? Am I getting too deep?? I think I am :P
So where do I go from here?? Nowhere - to bed I guess!! I wish so very much that I could remember what 'really' happened when I was 8yrs old.
I feel like such a flipping idiot, that a false memory that was repressed for soooooo long was killing me on the inside. What is worse is that I have bottled it up for the last 18mths. I remember in a session with Ruth we were talking about something and I instantly knew my memory was warped about Stephen. It was a light bulb moment - aha! I got it - I was wrong all along!! Stupid!!
Maybe as a child we perceive things differently. They dont know what the right words are to use to explain things, they cannt see everything with the big picture in mind - they dont have that life experience us adults have (well, most have!). So Ive somehow made up this fabrication that I have told myself over and over and over and over again so many times that I believed it. Or is that what I really remember about hospital - friends and death???? Maybe it was the girl in the bed opposite to me that died, maybe not. And what about that ghostly figure I saw??? That nurse who looked as if her feet were through the floor and I could only see her from the ankles up - the one in the old style nurses uniform - hat and all. She came to my bed and told me everything would be alright. Was that a figment of my imagination???
Memories suck ass!! Is what we remember really real?? Is what we see real or is our brain tricking us?? Is what Im seeing out my window real?? Or is it what my brain knows to be real so its there for me to see?? Am I getting too deep?? I think I am :P
So where do I go from here?? Nowhere - to bed I guess!! I wish so very much that I could remember what 'really' happened when I was 8yrs old.
