Me at Yalwal... 

 My swag, hat, rum & journal



3 snags cooking away 

The girls bedroom that I painted

Me on the way out to Yalwal

14/12/10 - 14/2/11

14/12/10

Felt ok today although the past 10 days or so have been hard.
Not much to write hey! Well, not today anyway. I have wanted to write in here all week but have been too tired to.
Off to see R on Thursday, I think Ill need to take my journal so that I can remember what has been happening. Guess there is going to be no point starting a mood diary!

15/12/10

Worse anxiety this morning but feel mostly better now 'cos Im back from Trina's. Heaps tired hey, should have an early night I guess.

26/1/11

Australia Day!!!! My favorite day ever!!! I feel like lots has happened since Christmas. My moods have been up & down. But, I didnt take much noticed while we were in QLD. Although, I was having a few drinks in the arvo & a big night at the pub with Katherine and her friends.
I must have been on a super high when we got back though cos I was soooo busy doing things, painting the girls bedroom and taking the kids places. I stopped painting for a bit though - I crashed out for about a week and couldn't do anything, no motivation, no enthusiasm....nothing!! I was painting at night even though I was super tired. But the last few days Ive been dropping again - the anxiety is kicking in, and actually got to the point where I was struggling to have the kids around me tonight - the noises, the squeeking from the swings, every sort of noise was making my anxiety levels rise and I felt like hiding before I went mad.
Im so tired hey, but we've been really busy for 3 days.
I had what seems to be my last session with R last Thursday (pretty much a week ago, gee thats gone quick!) I told her about moving to QLD and then we worked on my hopes, fears, thoughts etc on the idea of it, how I would go about 're-inventing' myself in a new place, as I find new friends, how I would cope with not much support cos my friends wouldn't be around me, finding a new therapist and also my bi-polar tendancies. We both think that while my 'insight' is still happening then I shouldn't need medication to smooth things out. So while I can see what is going on with myself then Ill be ok.

So when I feel great:
lots of energy, motivation
do lots and lots and lots and lots
sleep only because I know I need to
plan lots to do

And when Im feeling depressed:
no energy, motivation
no self care - easy to go 3 days without a shower, or even longer!
stay at home and dont go anywhere
dont contact anyone
could sleep all day and all night
dont care about much
do the housework at a BARE minimum level only because someone has to do it!

So I should go see Dr M and tell him R's and my latest thoughts on this.
Im so tired!!! And there is a flaming yap yap dog out the back somewhere going off. Doesn't sounds like Macca.

27/1/11

I hate the bad crappy days :( I struggle doing anything. My head is in an ok place but everything else is just a struggle physically! I feel like I dont sleep enough even though I have had enough. If it wasn't that time of the month I wouldn't have had a shower, again. Sicko!! But its serious.....there is nothing in me to have one. the thought of looking after myself is sooo far from my mind. The idea of standing in the shower with water is just not what I feel like doing. I dont get it!!

And as much as I feel 'normal' I don't. Like at the Chemist today....I felt funny, dizzy, fuzzy...different, like life was spinning around me and I was watching everything happen.

Our kids are just so beautiful. On my crap days I remember the hell their life could have been. How dare I get like that!! Was I really going to be like that - dead?? So horrible to think hey!!

But, Im tired. I love my kids!! Kasey goes back to school in a few days and Amy, a week after that. xoxoxox

29/1/11

Felt like God was pulling at my heart strings today. I want to let go of the anger, resentment - what ever it is holding me back. Aaah its soo painful.
Want to go to church in the morning. I want to yell out and ask for help, for someone to give me the answers to the questions I have no idea I have. I want it all to make sense and fall into place. I wish I could tell which dreams were ones of the future and which were typical dreams. Maybe its just that feeling I get...that 'mooshy' feeling lol.

7/2/11

Why do I feel so anxiously sick?? Its horrible!!!!!

13/2/11

been drinking a bit lately, not alot, just one or 2 at night. The odd night is 3 or 4. Its great to unwind, but I just gotta be careful. Im not sure where I am on the wave of up's and down's. A part of me wants to go go go and get so much done but the other half of me wants to just fade away to nothing.

Ive had this huge urge to talk to people about my experience with mental health, especially people at NCofC.

Friendships are funny things aren't they. Even without actually hearing their voice, you can tell if someone isn't their normal self. Its like they have a second voice, their typed voice and you soon learn to 'read' their accents, tone etc in their writing. I deliberatlydeliberatly had a dig at a friend but I really should have realised there was a reason for her 'ignoring' me.
I spent so much time talking to R about my friendships, especially how K just dumps all us girls in the deep end with BS. Its seriously not like her at all to be like that....and it hurts! But, seriously, who gives a shit. Her loss!

Guess what really sucks about having a really bad cold? I cannt rest!! I cannt sleep all day long!! Kids dont let that happen!! Sometimes I really want to go to hide away somewhere. But I tell ya what, I do need a holiday - just me, no kids, no hubby, nothing - a retreat just for me!! Somewhere where I can sleep, watch the sunrise, the sun set, have no technology around me, I could read, drink, go for walks, be waited on and all those luxuries for a week. I want a sign that says 'Gone Fishing'.

14/2/11

Ive just arrived out at Yalwal - all by myself!! Not even out of the car yet. There is noone else here - the roo's have just skipped off. The only thing I can hear are the crickets.

Might set my swag up and go for a wander.

Aaaaah, the serenity!! :o)

Well I've gone for a short walk, collected some fire wood, got a rum and now Im sitting on my swag.
There's a few grey clouds around but I dont think its gunna rain, cos there is still blue sky around. wonder if Ill be able to light a fire?

There is seriously noone here hey :)

I have wanted to do this for soooooo long. I asked Nath if it was alright with him if I took off for the night by myself. He wasn't sure but said yeah.....he seriously didnt think I was the type of girl to do it ..... I just laughed! Are you kidding!!

So, laying here on my swag, what am I seeing? Well i think Im facing west, there is 'little red' (the Zook) in front of me, to my left is the fire place, the toilets not too far away (I know!! flushable toilets!! hahaha), Im in the main camping area so there is bush around this cleared spot. To my right is Yalwal Dam (real name is Danjerra)

Im laying here thinking of Nath and the kids. Jonty and Kasey really wanted to come, they cried when I told them they had to stay home. I hope Nath is ok at home with them knowing Im out here. not able to contact me.

Im at peace you know. That is the only way to explain it. So here's to a night of me and the bush - my 'Gone Fishing' sign is up....do not disturb.

I am able to lay down, not think, shut my eyes, not be interupted, not do anything. Its nice. Its kinda lovely! And even though its not boring, it kinda is and that is great!

I haven't got music on, Ive turned the scanner off so its just me and you, my ever loving journal.

Well time for a doodle. I dont feel like reading yet. I just doodle. (only doodled on half a page!)

Sharon brought Tiff over for a quick hello this arvo after school. They asked me to teach her again but I said no. Its nice knowing Ive said no and I dont feel anxious about it. I didnt feel like I had to say yes. Nath said I should start teaching again so he doesn't have to work so much but to make it worth while I have to get around 10 students and that is just soooo full on. I dont need that many, I dont want that many. I haven't played in over 2yrs!

So, my 'Gone Fishing' policy is this:
leave me alone
dont contact me, Ill contact you!!

I got the idea out of the book Im reading. One of the characters does it. Although she does it for weeks and months on end....but she is single and kidless!

Its funny you know, people with kids are envious of those without, and those without are envious of those with kids. Its not that we (those with kids) dont like the life we have chosen, but its just, I dunno, its like the grass is always greener on the other side. You want the freedom, the peace, the clean house, no busy scheduled life.

But having kids is such a blessing. They smile each day and make your heart skip a beat, they learn to do something new and they ask questions to figure things out. They are fascinated so easily. They make life worth while.

Ok, there is a plane going over. Looks like its heading towards the base.

Man oh man! I need to wee! Can I be stuffed walking to the toilets?? That whole entire 20-30mt.?? Na, bush wee is more my style ;)

Nath is such a fantastic hubby!! Even if we get on each others nerves!! He was happy for me to go tonight. He even got stuff out of the shed for me. Sleeping bag and put it in the swag for me....Ive packed a few snags, some chips for later and some museli for brekky. Drink bottle with milk and a few ice bricks to keep it cold.

But most importantly I have rum and the bush!! Thats all I need hey!!!! Wonder if I packed the last couple of slices of bread? Oh well.

nath didnt think I was the type to swag it by myself in the bush! I was like 'what tha??' !! Just cos I haven't done it since we've been together doesn't mean I dont have it in me....!! What a load of bullony!! There is nothing better than being alone in the bush. Its been too long!! I dont do enough of it....but thats 4 pregnancies in 8yrs for you!! The days of me and Josh throwing the swags in the ute and heading off for a day or 2 are some of the best memories....get rid of him from the memories and it would be perfect lol. Its the memory of the ute, the swags, knicking off!! I love it! Grabbing a pie from a servo for brekky, no showers, nothing!! Thats what I love and one day Nath and I will be able to do it out of the back of my black AU ford ute. Yep, Ill have one of those....with a 5 posta and some aerials and a stack of stickers, and a big spotty of course.....all of which WOULD get used!!!! Yep...that would be me!!

This is soooo good huh! One day it will be me in the desert like this, but with Nath. We're a good team, him & me! We have our moments like every other couple that has existed! But he really is my rock! Life would truly suck without him!!

And...no facebook! OMG!! How will I survive!! lol If I had my laptop here, I wonder what my status would be?? "Eat ya heart out, the fire is lit!"

I keep thinking I can hear a car in the distance but its usually a plane out there.

The sun is setting
and the moon is soon to rise.
The birds are nesting
and the fire is crackling.
Not a soul in sight
or a voice heard
even though I can hear
the conversations at home.
The canvas beneath,
soft & cosy
will be home for the night
giving warmth & shelter
for the night ahead.
At peace with the bush
being one and only one,
a soul who rests.
My time here with this
is a tyres and the road.
They are joined but not intertwined,
one leading the other
with freedom of choices.
The crackling & the smoke,
the breath of wind
is pleasing & refreshing.
Not a life for all
but it brings a simple peace
that is only offered to
those willing to hold
out their hand.
The clouds drift
as so does life
but its the peace
that will bring me back home.

My snags cann't be too far off from ready. Pretty proud of my fire. Woohoo! See I dont have to rely on you blokes!! If only I had marshmallows!! Atleast I have rum :)

mmmmm.....Snags are good!! Nothing better than snags turned with a stick! Perfect! 

Might read my book for a while, might even find the torch soon before it gets too dark.

Have you ever wondered where you will be in 50yrs time? I'd be 79yrs old! I wonder what will happen between now and then?? Lots, I imagine! Or even the next 5yrs??

I guess uni for me will be finishing up, all the kids will be at school. Nath will have a better job, I hope, Kasey will be turning 13, Amy 11, Jonty will be almost 9 and Bridie just 7. Life will be full of adventure, stress, happiness, love, loss (I hope not, but reality...)

So looking back over the past 18mths or so, Im much further in my journey, but not where I want to be? Or am I? Am I content with how I am? I guess in a way I am but in another way Im not. I want to make an impact on peoples lives. I dont want to go through life being just another human on this planet waiting for death, (well its gunna happen eventually isn't it!), or for life to just keep turning its pages on me. How DO we live life to the fullest? What does that mean anyway? Do we, like A says, grow old because we stop playing? And everyone is going to answer that differently.

What makes us who we are? Is it our family? Our job? Our salary? I hope not!! They add a bit to who we are. But who we are should come from our soul - our spirit. Our personality, our experiences. That heading in the right direction! Its not the tangible things but the intangible.
Who do we portray ourselves to be? What do people think when they meet you? What gut feeling do people get when they meet us? Are you prepared to ask them? Hear their perception of you?

Ive got philosophical haven't I??!!

The sun has set and now Im going off the head lamp Nath packed for me. Ive been reading my book.
Kinda nice sitting here in the dark, kinda scary too....in a funny way! oooooh blair witch is out there....she might come and get me ....aaaaargh!! hahahahahaha......the bush doesn't scare me. Ive got an imagination but dont let it get the better of me.

but lets get me mind off that sort of thing before it does get the better of me.....remember the fun I use to have out at Alf's at Burrier?? They were good times. Fixing cars, trucks, tractors, mending fences, putting new fence posts in, nicking off on the motorbikes especially when the fires were on (and all this had already been burnt out where I am and 'georgia peach' and 'elvis' were at this very dam). Rabbit runs at night with Ann's choccy chip cookies for when we got home, Mav's dinner's every night, sunday pizza night. Aah those were the days...oh and how can I forget.....horse riding, chasing cattle back from across the river, chasing cattle with the bikes, horses and the chopper.

I wish life was still like that in a way, where you didnt have a care in the world, where you weren't strapped to a house! How times have changed.

But now I have a man who love me, and I love him, who wants to spend eternity with me. Its funny how you get so use to someone and you take them for granted. Its funny how you become complacent with your life partner. I just wish I could stay in the 'honeymoon' period forever! You know, that feeling you get when you see them, smell them, kiss them - when your falling head over heels in love with them!!??!!

I wish I had a friend here to keep me company, or nath, but he is looking after the kids and all we would talk about is the same old shit. So a friend it would be, someone to drink with, chat about 'stuff' and someone who is great for a laugh.

But the peace is oh so nice!! Its tranquil laying here listening to the insects. The fire is pretty dull now and I guess Ill be in bed before you know it.

Im enjoying it out here, drinking and thinking. Love it :o)

So, its quiet...have I said how good that is?? The moon is rising and trying its hardest to shine through the clouds. Kinda mysterious!! Its hard to believe this was all burnt out 10yrs ago, that the sky cranes were filling up from here and dumping it on the fires. It seems only like yesturday that was all happening. Josh and I would ride the old DT up the fire trail and sit on the cliff for hours watching the fire on the next ridge across. I remember feeling the heat, the smell....love that smell. A year later the fire went through there again!!!! I would sit there, on the same cliff except this time the fire had made it through to this ridge and all the trees were still smoldering.

Its seriously dark here now. Not sure what the time is, guess its after 9ish. Its always 1/2hr later here for the sun to set than in town. Funny that!

I could so easily go to sleep right now but I dont want to ruin the fun of being awake, in the bush, by myself. I dont wanna sleep the fun away!!

These rums are going down so well. Im only on my third but its nice! Ill have another this one. Unless I fall asleep first!
Ive gotta not concentrate on my imagination as I lay here. Its funny how your mind things up things when it get the chance. Remember the man with the hat that I use to see at my bedroom door as a kid? He only once made it around the corner because my imagination forced him. I can still picture him hey. hope he doesn't bother me tonight. Or the wild dogs lol. Hope none come out and eat me while I sleep. Where the shot gun when ya need it...?!! Oh I think  I just heard a drop bear.....lucky Im not camping under a tree ;)

Wonder what the hell Ill do in the morning? Thinking I might head over to Alf's and see what he's up to.  Hope Jess isn't out there, the little princess!! Cannt believe Josh broke up with me for her.....then nearly killed her - mongrel!!
I cannt believe I went out with that dickhead, just to get back at Trent....who was to get back at Andrew....aaah! lol....
And then to be jealous of the 1 date Nath had with Tina.....he bought her a rose! How dare he! hahaha. And when he was dating Tanaya....she was sooo wrong for him....she is still just wrong! Everything about her is just wrong! Sooo glad when they broke up and Nath & I started talking more outside work. And then...well...you know the rest. What if I did move to Wagga with Ali?? I didnt move cos Nath & I had just started dating.

There are so many 'what if's' in life isn't there.

The ipod is saying its 9.18pm. Looks like its gunna be an early night hey. Back to late nights too when I get back him. Uni starts today. Lectures begin next week.

Wow. Ive written 17 pages....holy bugger me! lol

To my beautiful friends.
You know who you are. The ones I talk to all the time. You have been with me through thick and thin, my good times and have seen me at my worse....my most vulnerable times, yet you still call me your friend. I thank you for that.
You really get to know the true meaning of friendship when you go through severe depression. To be pretty much on the other side of it has taken its toll on so many people in my life, and for those still standing I want to give you the biggest hug ever! Nothing  I do or say will show enough appreciation.
To those who have either walked away, or been pushed away, I want to say this: if you cannt handle me at my worse, you dont deserve me at my best but I love you anyway for being apart of my life. You deserve a better friend.

<3 Laura xoxox

Aaaargh bush noises! Go away imagination. Its not that bad. Ill just climb into my swag now and listen to my music.
good night xoxoxox

the beginning of journal #3 : 21/10/10 - 3/12/10

21/10/10

Feel like absolute crap hey! Finances suck ass! I hate October for finances!! Could seriously go back to renting - would be less stress for Nath, but really?? In this town, rent would cost us the same amount each week as the mortgage does. Ahh, we could rent and go camping more often, get away a lot easier. We could nick off for 12mths....do home schooling (or would it be tent schooling?)
If we dont hear from the army then I guess we just might have to sell up. Nath needs a decent job and get off night shift.

I hate feeling stressed. It feels like Im going to have a heart attack. The anxiety is insane. Its horrible!
Only a few more weeks to go for uni. I hope I do well, I dont expect fantastic marks but I hope I do better than just 'ok'. (Ok, so reality - Im still not happy unless its at the top. I will be soooooo disappointed if I get anything less than a D. Im trying to convince myself that I dont expect fantastic marks...but really, I DEMAND!!!! good marks!!)
Gee Im putting on weight hey. My stomach is soooo flabby, All I do is eat...lately anyway. Im back up to 74kg!! Thats pretty much 5kg that Ive put on in 12mths!! I look like an oompa loompa - short, fat, stocky...all I need is a bald head with a mini pony tail. Im back up to size 12-14 clothes too! Sucks! and my stomach is one of those 'hang over' ones. It looks horrible. I hate my body. I want to stop eating but its like Im eating for the hell of it, like Im bored or something. The last time my stomach grumbled was sooooo long ago that I cannt remember!! I am constantly having thoughts of anorexia-ism (is that a word??). I have these tiny little thoughts that pop up that I could do it...its like its my evil little angel sitting on my shoulder saying 'your fat, ugly, look at you you ugly rancid beast!' and I really struggle staying on the side of the good angel who says 'noone but dogs like bones'.

I have nooooo motivation whatsoever hey. Nath says I should be going for walks, getting outside and do something but that idea can just go to hell!! All I want to do is either sleep or lay on the lounge and watch movies.
Im worried about Trina, I just keep reminding her that she cannt just 'snap out of it' like she keeps saying that she will.
Depression sucks.

3/11/10

Had psych exam today. I think I did pretty well.
Ive been feeling good lately. Im rethinking my plan of coming off my medication. The chance of relapse is too high at this point in time.
Ally is still not well, there are so many things she has to sort through and with BPD - there is no 'cure' for it. DBT can help with the stressors and relationship problems, but that is no cure! It is soooo frustrating!!
Anyway, I feel kind of drained. Emotionally that is. We had a huge disagreement with bible study but that is all sorted, I think??
On Saturday at mum and dads (mum is in Zimbabwe with Rosina) I had a quick flick through mums little journal that she has sitting in the back room. It doesn't have much in it but 25th Aug '09 she wrote that she was very frightened for me and felt very sad. My entire body instantly felt different. It was like I all of a sudden felt what mum must have felt last year, and it was only a few short words that she wrote. As I read it I instantly put myself in her place - what if I was writing that about one of our girls, or Jonty?? It took a good 10min or more for that feeling to ease. It was like I was frozen and couldn't move. I felt different all day after that. The more I thought of it the more my body ached.

Am I glad I didnt go through with my suicides? Yeah, I think I am. Am I still angry with j & A? Yeah, but not as much. I still feel hurt and sometimes want to lash out at them but not as much. They did what they thought they had to do, even if I thought it was wrong. Im glad that I was friends with them but sometimes - many times - I wish I never got them involved. I wish I never spoke to A.
Why does life do this to us? Why do we get hurt and lied to?? Why do friends come and go? It sucks! Especially people who I thought I was connected with. I want to spend an entire forever with them. As much as I have wanted to push them away, all I have ever wanted was for them to apologise and to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok!

Im tired and Im wanting to go to bed, but I want to stay up and do nothing. Be still and know that everything will be ok!
I love my kids so much. I hope I can be there for them and never let them down. I hope that as they get older that I can help them grow into beautiful people and steer them in the right direction. This is one thing I refuse to fail at!! Im gunna do my utmost best to help them be strong, confident people, to help them realise their abilities and to encourage them to do their best. I want to be there for them. They are the reason why Im still alive today. I survived suicide for them and have got to the point where I can almost believe that I will be ok.
I love you guys. I hope you know deep in your hearts that you are precious and worthy of love! xoxox

10/11/10

Had BCSS exam today. Glad that one is over huh!! Was quite hard, if I pass Ill be happy - that is my honest thinking!!
Wonder how Ally is going? She hasn't been too good lately. They've been buying lost of furniture lately and painting too I think. Hope it gives her something to focus on, something good.
So glad I dont have uni any more. I can have normal nights now without sitting in front of the computer, without reading, doing assignments, having deadlines! Bring it on!!

Mum comes back from Zimbabwe tomorrow. Woohoo!!
I wish J and A would send me a message! Something personal! Our friendship is still nothing like it was but Im more relaxed with how it is now. I know I dont have to hear from them. But I still wish I did. Maybe I should send J something - ask her about uni, what she is in for next year, something like that.

27/11/10

Been going alright since uni has finished for the year. Early nights are awesome. I am sleeping sooo much. I think Ive worked it out that Im getting a D for bcss and a C for psych - would have thought it would be the other way round. Well I guess Ill fing out once the results are out.
Been meaning to write it for yonks but everytime I get over stressed, over pushed or emotionally pushed I get to the point where I want to hurt myself. And its a daily fight. I have for like, well, always just never thought much of it in the past year, I just ignore it cos I know the feeling goes away, eventually, plus Im busy - Ive got things to do. Ive just noticed it so much more lately and Im writing it now cos its finally a good time to remember it and write it out. I think of places where I could cut myself and where people wouldn't see, like my thigh, stomach. My arms would be too noticeable. Its a fight with the good and evil angels on my shoulders again....I know I shouldn't and that is mostly cos Nath gets upset. I imagine the process instead and its nowhere near as good as the physical job but its what i can do without arguments.


Haven't got much to write really. Ive been really questioning whether I should come off efexor or not. Looking at the stats I know that this is going to be an ongoing battle.


2/12/10

I seriously dont feel like moving today or doing anything. I have no motivation at all. I feel tired all the time, Im putting weight on so I feel fat and feral. I know if I tell R or Dr M they will tell me to get out and exercise. Its so hard cos I know it will make me feel better but I dont want to do anything.
I forgot about cooking dinner too, again. I cannt be stuffed doing any washing most days and Im losing all care about how I go about my day.
Im going deeper and deeper into depression. I can feel it. There is no thought of suicide or anything like that, I just do not want to deal with anyone or anything.
I think too now that uni has finished for the year that I have a void to fill. Its like Im back to nothing to keep me going everyday. No wonder i started feeling good at the end of the year when uni started.
I wish I had the motivation to get going everyday. Maybe I should see R again, I was suppose to see her a month ago when my exams were on but time has got away from me.
I feel like sleeping the entire day no matter how much sleep I get. I could seriously sleep the rest of my life away.
So do I go back to drinking again?? Sometimes I wish I could be drunk 24/7 and have no responsibilities, just to lose myself into oblivion for a while.
Been having some really violent dreams lately too. And they are all at night time - well, they are very dark 9its not day time) with rapes, suicide, murder and frustration with myself.
Ally is back in hospital. I haven't heard from her so Im not really sure on how she is going but she did send me a quick email saying she was on day leave. I really hope they sort something out for her. Cannt see why they couldn't try lithium - she really needs a mood stabiliser.
Anyway I feel like I have been writing in here for ages - more than the pages show. Im in a scribble mood. Just wanna scribble stuff and focus on something that takes me away to la la land.
Anyway, gotta go wake Nath up for work. Then its a cuppa, shower and bed time...Internet is super slow so haven't been on fb much.

(the next 2 pages are full of scribbles - half a face, eyes, a nose, lips, sharp lines, treble and bass clefs, a little piece of writing: "The hiding place of reality is within her body, within her soul; A place where noone can steal away the feeling of blah!", roller skates a love heart with sharp lines of different angles inside it and similar lines surrounding it)

3/12/10

Still feel like its a bad depression episode. My head is in an ok place but I have all the physical symptoms. Im tired and I dont care anymore. Fuck off world and leave me in peace.