14/1109 - 30/12/09

14/11/09

Okay day today, just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am has been a sleep in lately. It takes me so long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep.
I feel calm with my feelings lately even though yesturday was a bad day. I feel content where I am and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of he ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay here where I am and that will do me!!
I dont feel like challenging God on his existence, I know he is there and maybe cos Ive voiced my opinions and questions I now feel relaxed.
I just feel like living a mundane life with nothing to challenge me, push me etc. Nothing!!

The life to be
The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories,
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her dna
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on;
although the damage has been done.
Engraved in her soul,
grooved in her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque
the path is slippery when wet
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can
be dealt with one at a time.

18/11/09

Am I coping because I have to or because I can? I know Im not at my worse but am I good? Am I better than before or have I plateaued out? My memory is really bad - forget friends names, kids names, ph numbers, rego details. Its hard to concentrate on phone calls (like while organising insurance the other day). Im not interested in playing my piano even though Ive said I will teach as of Friday. I dont want to be around friends, would rather stay home and away from the public and if I do go into town I wanna be kid free, by myself! Only going for a walk when someone tells me to, not going because I feel like it. Ive managed to cook picklets and chocolate crackles - in the same day! That is huge for me lately!!
Anxiety has been good the past couple of weeks. Sleeping is ok, getting to sleep and staying asleep but its restless. Ive met up with friends once for dinner other than one on one with Joh. I feel like Im just holding on to everything like it wont take much for me to go backwards to hell again.

25/11/09

Ive been discharged for 2mths now. I dont feel like Ive got any better, not by lots anyway. Yesturday and today have been pretty bad days. All I wanted to do yesturday was to drive away or go for a walk and not go back home. I could have headed west and kept going. Went to the movies by myself and that still didnt give me that 'alone time' fix that Ive been craving. I woke up cranky this morning and Im so glad that mum has today off to look after Jonty and Amy. (Which worked out well cos Em has gone into labour with Chloe!!!!)
Well its nearly 11pm. Chloe Anna-Belle was born this arvo :)

Anyway, failed dinner and I failed making a pavlova. How on earth do I fail at a pav?? Couldn't cook tonight so had tea at macca's. Felt like running away again lately, sucks ass!!

26/11/09

Dr M asked today why I feel so bad towards myself. I have no idea hey! I always have I guess. I just want to escape from being me so I beat myself down to ruin what is there.
Im tired and worn out. Just want to escape for the rest of my days if I am to breath.

27/11/09

Picked up the really big knife in the kitchen this arvo and instantly went shaky and though of the knife going into my chest - through my skin, the breaking noise as it would go through my bones, the piercing feeling that I would get as it goes into my heart and severes the arteries in my heart. I quickly put it down before that 'urge' to do it forced itself through my veins.
And when we drove up to the hospital to see Em and little Chloe I got the instant thought and feeling of driving off the cliffs up there behind the hospital. I know one spot came to mind instantly.....Im still not well am I??

28/11/09

Had arguments with dad all day about why Kasey wasn't wearing a helmet when she stacked it and split her head open, we argued about my hair being black, why she didnt have a booster seat in the car. No matter what it was he picked on me and gave me the shits about everything. Nothing that Ive done lately is right according to him. He reckons that if I loved my daughter then I would have MADE her wear a helmet and made sure she was in her booster seat.
So Im drowning in wine tonight to try and soften the blow of the crap he gave me today. Doesn't he realise that I feel bad enough as it is...the only time she doesn't wear a helmet and she stacks it big time!!

I feel myself slipping once again, I know whats to come, Ive been here before. Loneliness and despair, just me and my thoughts, a private struggle. I dont want much, just to be free from this darkness, pain, fear. I wish people didnt judge , Im not 'weak'. I cannt just 'pull myself together'. I wish it were that easy. And if I was going to suicide I would have done it by now??? get fucked is all I can say!! I dont want to suicide and that is what I fight every day!! People fight it for 20yrs and then cave in....cannt take it anymore. I wish they understood, wish I didnt have to pretend, wish I didnt have to hide, wish I wasn't me.

I feel scared to moce on without depression though. Its always been there so I might as well live with it. I know no better.

And when people say its unfair to those in your life, to say you wish you weren't yourself, makes you realise they dont understand. You want to be you but 'you' sucks to the bone. You are defined by depression and depression sucks and you dont want depression!!

I dont want to take my pills anymore. I dont want to deal with this anymore!!

I need to sleep. Had quite a few glasses of wine now. (and if you were looking at my journal...the writing tells it all - its very messy and Ive edited the horrendous grammar!)

Im still really annoyed at A and J and how they walked out when I needed them most. Why did they get involved in the first place if they knew they were too busy for my crap? I want to be able to talk to them! Fuck!!

2/12/09

Gee this year has gone fast. Kel rang, wanted to catch up, I said yes, stupid me! I emailed her and said no, cannt, not right now. I just wish people got it. Ill let them know when I want to talk to them.
Feel goodish today but thats cos Im at home and avoiding people!! Yay!!
They did ECT on someone in a show in telly last night - reminded me of how Dr X was going to do it on me at one stage.

3/12/09

for the past 18hrs Ive had THE biggest urge for drugs, Ive never had a drug ever, apart from a couple of cones, ciggies and grog. I feel flat, crap, depressed, not sad though. I want something to numb the pain, this crap feeling of depression. Sitting on the lounge with the huge urge to go buy some coke...why coke?? Not speed, goey or eccy. i told Nath too and he was quite shocked and stunned and just went funny on me. Im not going to but sheez, I tell ya what, that urge is friggin' huge!!
I feel like wiping myself out, numbing my life so I can have a break from reality. I think of Rach in hospital and how she loved her drugs, it made her feel great, it numbs her out. Thats what I want. The only thing stopping me from doing this are my beautiful kids. I dont want to drag them down into a world of drugs, and I know if I say 'oh its only a little bit and not very often' then I would be lying cos with drugs its either in it or your not. And Ive seen what happens to people who are taking drugs, Ive seen their psychotic states, losing custody of their kids, they love money and most of all family. Their skin is yuck and have that 'drug' look to them. And apart from that its illegal...but so is speeding in a car.

I can feel myself fall
into the abyss
of the known world of
my contemporaries.
the black hole is not
a force to be reckoned with.
The pit ends
with a pillow of nails
taking your fall
from the world
above the clouds,
as if its a reminder
re-embedding the
feeling of pain.
There you come to your
sense, knowing
your surroundings
are for eternity and a day.

What can I do to numb myself out?? I guess tonight I can have a wine or 4. I just want to wake up and all this be gone, not even have a memory of it.
I think Ive given up on God. I feel alone, like he abandoned me when I needed it most. I dont know!! I dont want to pray or read the bible, I dont want to hear about it, I dont want a bar of it!! But I still do for the kids, they cannt have their mum fall apart even more in their eyes.

I stand precariously
in a piece of solid ground
barely large enough
for both my feet.
around me, a cast expanse
of desolation and emptiness
for as far as I can tell.
It waits with extending arms
to engulf and surround me
in a permanent shadow.
I remain tenuously balanced
on this small bit of solid footing
providing me the last
vestiges of hope,
unsure where to turn
or how to find an escape.
No pain in sight
it has decayed into the abyss.
No light to guide my footsteps.
It has been withdrawn.

In complete darkness
I close my eyes
waiting to fall.
A light appears before  me,
no,
from within me.
I discover brilliance inside,
an internal source of
strength, power and illumination.
This force surges through my body
filling me with courage.

10/12/09

Have had a really crap December so far! And not that Im admitting it but I think its mainly cos I keep forgetting to take efexor. I took it every second day I think, even missed 2 days in a row. The withdrawals are shit house!! I have looked like crap!! I felt filled with this fog. Ive been apathetic about EVERYTHING!
R is really concerned about me in our kast session on Tuesday, Im not feeling suicidal or like Im going to hurt myself - just couldnt be bothered going through with it hey!!
My dreams over the past couple of months give me an odd feeling when I do dream, not peaceful but on edge but like they are a different life. They aren't anything too weird but they include people that we camped with at St George or people from hospital. But its never in that actual place, its a different place and with different people too.
I cannt find the words for poetry anymore, like there is nothing in my head, like I cannt concentrate or think or find the words to express myself.
Went to Trina's baby shower last Friday. I was heaps anxious before hand and jittery driving up there but was even worse afterwards. It was fun though. I drank heaps at night over the last week because I felt myself sliding, I needed to escape.
R says that Im very caught up in other peoples opinions of me. Like being anxious after Trina's thingy; I was having a good time but Im so concerned that because people see me enjoying something that they will think that Im 'better'. She told me to remember that my moods are variable.
I need to remember that everything is not black and white but also in between. When I tell people how Ive been i dont have to say ive been 'really bad' but I can say 'ok but things have been tough'.
Im a perfectionist, I set goals that are unbelievably high and that I can admit that 4 kids is tough and trying. But I feel I cannt admit that - I feel weak if I admit that!
Anyway, should sleep while I can - Bridie has been teething. Argh!!!

12/12/09

Invited Joh and Kel over to watch a movie. I was a little nervous with just Kel there before and after Joh left but I coped really well I think. Im trying not to worry if Kel thinks that this will make me better. I told her when she left that just cos I coped tonight doesn't mean that I will cope tomorrow. I hope she gets it.
I soooo want dreads hey!! Just worried about what Nath, mum and dad etc will think and say to me. I know I shouldn't worry but their opinions matter, even if it looks like I dont listen!

24/12/09

Im feeling like the meds aren't working. Maybe they are just gradually working. There just hasn't been that 'magic fix'. I drive across the bridge and still remember, look at the spot when I felt like driving off, I still look at oncoming traffic, the bridge to nowra fair, poles, trees, cliffs. You name it, I think it and still go through the process of the event in my head!!
Ive become more and more socially phobic. I haven't gone for a walk for a month, I hate being outside and I hate being around people.
Got an anxiety attack at mums today for no reason at all. But that sort of thing happens all the time and every day.
I just feel like I dont care about anything other than the kids. Nath and I had another argument the other day. He is so stressed out. Wish it was me instead of him. Dont know who me is, I know that I want dreads though!! And every time I get stressed out over an argument, or the kids are getting to me that urge to hurt myself comes flooding back. But Im tough, I ignore it, fight through it and just pretend it doesn't happen. Although shit it would feel good to get that knife or scissors and slice my arms to bits!!

30/12/09

I wasn't going to see today. I wasn't going to see Christmas the other day either. I should be dead. I cannt stop thinking about it either. It feels like a whole life time ago. It feels like it wasn't real, like it was a bad dread and Im not fully awake.
I want to rest foreverm have a break forever from feeling so crap.
One good thing about having kids with depression is that they make you do things, you have to do it or they really really suffer. It makes you get out of bed in the morning, to have things under control, to get out there and take them places.
I told Nath not to get me anything for my birthday, apart from permission to get dreads, cos I dont want something physical to remind me I wasn't going to be here, it was the same for Christmas, as much as I love getting pressies.
I want it to be a normal day.

Patient Records

23 Oct. 2010......update on recent stuff
 Well I rang Shellharbour Hospital yesturday and they are sending me the paperwork to receive my patient file. I wonder what they have written about me? Its kind of scary thinking that Im going to have it in my hot little hands soon but I love the idea too!! I should ring the Shoalhaven hospital too and get what they have written about me on the 2 times I was in casualty theres. Oh, I just thought - the community health centre too......
Would love to see what R has written about me too but Im not so interested in her report at the moment - just hospital.

Makes me wonder if Monique is still in Mirrabook, I would say she is. Kinda sad really that there is noone to take her and to show her how to look after herself - especially her diabetes. And all that extra cost to have her there, every day for 19mths atleast.....all because noone out there wants her.....sad really!!

4-14/11/09

4/11/09

Anxiety has been a bit more under control today when Mum rang around 1pm and asked how I was going then it started. I had a cuppa in town with Em which was nice and then went for a run tonight.

Ive been making sure that each day I get some sort of time out, whether its when Im in town I go get a chai and most days I try to go for a walk down in the bush. Yesturday and today I have tried running for a bit. Im aiming to lost at least 5kg so Im back to 65kg or even less would be great.

I am going to try and find 5 positive things about tomorrow to look forward to but I also need to start writing the positives about each day.

1. Felt motivated to get some cleaning done, put clothes away

2. Had a cuppa in town

3. Helped Nath with basketball ring and had fun mucking around outside. (reminded me of all the time spent down at the Bryces house as a kid....!)

4. Felt under control with cooking dinner

5. Had a good run in the rain

Tomorrow's 5 to look forward to:

1. Kids will be at kindy so house will be quiet

2. Not much housework to do

3. Getting tatt finished off - bring it on!! Love that pain

4. Watching a movie or 2 in the morning

5. walk or run in the arvo

I need to start thinking positive, so here are some things I love about Nath:

* The way he shows the kids animals, like the blue tongue when he gets home after night shift

* builds them a basketball ring

* fixes their bikes

* today he unpacked and repacked the dishwasher without me having to ask

*gives them a bath so I can cook dinner in peace

* plays tackles with the kids and rumbles on the floor with them

Dusty Track

Its a moment in waiting

out on the horizon

with a dusty track

leading there.

Is there a pot of gold

at the end of the track?

For as far as the eye can see

near and far,

is a plain scattered

with trees and bush,

a river, clear and flowing.

The horizon is far

with many corners

in the track to follow.

Yet somehow that

track reaches the moment 

in waiting,

with all disruptions along the way.

The dusty track is leading there,

the moment in waiting

out on the horizon.

5/11/09

Found this quote that applies to J as a friend:

Friends are like roses; they are beautiful and gentle, but will cause pain in the process of defending themselves.

6/11/09

Tatt is finished. We're going out to Hot Rocks for dinner (Stonegrill) for dinner with the girls, will be nice but not sure how I will cope with the anxiety - if it gets bad Ill just sink a few more reds.

....so dinner was good. I wasn't anxious at all which really surprised me, which makes me think that its the setting which sets off the anxiety, not the girls. I feel soooo different though, compared to them. I dont know how to explain it.

I feel so tired and I want to shut my eyes but I feel like I need peace, peace from my crap life. I feel so drained and I feel really guilty for being a person who needs help. I feel bad because I need Nath's support but he's only just had his own meltdown, so what if Im too much for him? What if he things Im being selfish because Im putting me first? What if we are doomed to fail at everything we do??

A thousand tongues
sing of your amazing grace,
of how their soul longs after you.
You may have knitted me in 
my mothers womb
but in my despair
you left me, hanging
in the scorching sun rays.
My heart longs to be owned
not by you
but by someone who protects.
This wretched soul
is lost and not found,
you have poured lifes
contempt over my body,
filling my blood with
the iniquities of the lost souls.
Heaven forbid you keep a promise!
Heaven forbid you break a promise!
For if you so loved us all
you would not forsake us
as we were possessed
by your almighty enemy.


I look to my arm
the scars are fluorescent
in the nights light.
I feel like Ive won a battle,
have scars of proof.
Each one has a memory
etched into my mind;
the place, the time, the how.
My moments of hatred
are here to stay,
hatred of life, hatred of myself.
They dont ask, I dont think
they look, maybe they do,
I have no way of telling.
But they are my friends,
they understand what
Im going through,
They give me warmth,
strength, peace,
they were created when
I needed them most.

7/11/09
Its sooo bloody annoying, there is so much tension and even though its through a computer screen I KNOW its there....intuition!! I know A doesn't really want to reply to my messages, I spose he does out of kindness. J is avoiding my like the plague and if I didnt email them they certainly wouldn't email me - that I can guarantee. So my test is to not email them, reply to status updates, nothing! Then if they do write to me soon then cool, they still care. So much of me wants to yell at them, kick and scream, tell them how much it friggin' hurts being left like that. The other part of me understand their logic behind their fucked up actions.
Drunk lots last night. Feels good. Always does, thats why I either drink LOTS or not at all.

9/11/09
So far, my challenges this week have been pretty major. Dinner with the girls, then went to church yesturday - god knows why, it only causes anxiety to the max!! Ive survived so far but during church I had 3 MAJOR anxiety attacks where I felt I couldn't cope being there. I got a little teary a few times and almost walked out but Gail held my hand, she knew what was going on. I was teary cos I couldn't shake the shit out of me. I wanted to kick and scream and fight anyone who looked at me. It was absolutely terrible. She is picking me up for dinner tonight.
I dont feel well today, gastro-ish, all I wanted to do was sleep! I could have slept forever!!
I love Nath so much! For the first time in a long time I feel connected with him, like we have fallen in love again. Its so blissful this feeling xx

Dinner with Gail was really good. She said that the anxiety attacks in church yesterday were some spiritual attack. She said as a teenager she knew something was up, she knew I was high. She thought it may have been attention seeking, said I always had to be the funny girl, the girl everyone liked, and its true and I was like this because I have no self esteem, everything I showed was the total opposite of what I felt. Even now I have no self esteem even though Im highly driven.
It was so good catching up because we haven't really caught up in the past 10yrs.

11/11/09

She has a house
She has a family
She has everything
A girl needs.
But she's tired
And she's desperate
But is she desperate enough?
She has an aching soul
She has tears
She has an uncomfortable heart
But she is content
And she is at peace,
But the demons still possess.
She is her family's smile.
She is their glue.
She is their strength
Yet for herself
She is weak, lost, frail.
To her, her family
Is her glue,
They are her glue and her strength

I have to have everyone like me, Im not outgoing and Im not as strong as what you may thing. Im not happy and easy going. I fear failure, I fear not being elite enough, I have to achieve the best in everything I do. I would rather sit quietly in the back of the room where no one notices me, I change my opinions depending who I talk to, my thoughts, character etc to suit those around me. I dont trust my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, I am not good enough for myself and Im not good enough for anyone else. I want to be able to solve other peoples problems and have someone recognise mine but leave it as that.

I use to wake during the night
to break the evil sight,
just to remind myself that
everything will be alright.
My life was at its height
thinking I could carry on
with all my might.
This was to be my plight
to carry myself through
and to continue the fight.
But the chains around my neck
were more than tight,
never to let its grip relax,
not even slight.

Going to catch up with Joh tomorrow, will be good to see how she is. Her Nathan has been in Melbourne for work. Wonder if she's had another afternoon of laying on the kitchen floor??
I feeling more like God is real today but Im not sure if I want to do something about it. it feels too hard to get my so called christian life in order when the rest of my life if just holding together. I know what I should be doing - reading the bible, praying, trusting, having faith, but really, its all just shit. Maybe Im just scared that Im wasting time..who would want to save my hell driven soul??

14/11/09
Okay day today. Just feel so drained from Bridie getting up so early every morning. 6am is a sleep in lately. It takes me soooo long to get going, all I want to do is stay in bed. Plus seroquel is still kicking around in my system a little so that if I get up too early I feel side-swiped for another couple of hours. My eyes force themselves shut, literally!!
I feel calm with feelings lately, although yestuday was a bad day. I feel so content where i an and I dont feel like changing anything else in my life. I dont want challenges, even though Im proud of the ones Ive overcome. I dont want to feel pressured with anything anymore. Just let me stay where I am and that will do me!!
I just feel like living a mundaine life with nothing to challenge me, puch me...Nothing!! If it was just me or if I could pick the perfect day I would stay in my house, lock all the doors and windows, keep teh curtains shut, take the phone off the hook and not even look out a window - not once. I would telly all day, lay on the lounge and only get up when I absolutely had to!!

The constant preoccupation
of her inner thoughts,
timpanic in their continuous
drumming of images,
smells and memories.
Like her thoughts
were sculpted into her DNA,
melodious in pitch
and terrain of the west,
so to is her will to go on,
although the damage has
already been complete.
Engraved into her soul,
grooved into her spine
is the bewildered
emotion of fear of change.
Life is opaque,
the path slippery when wet.
but with scattered help
along the path
lifes mysteries can be dealt
with one at a time.