2/9/10 Day 16
Slept ok during the night. I seem to wake up from 4am onwards. Had to go get a blood test done early this morning because I had to fast for it. D (the HASA - health and security assistant) took me up to the main part of shellharbour hospital. Was nice getting out for a while.
Its amazing, I cannt think through the thoughts of driving off the bridge or hanging myself, like that part of my brain is switched off. I can still picture it etc but its not intrusive like before.
Nath is bringing the kids up this morning - will have to put a flanny on so they dont see my arm.
....Im sitting in the sun at the moment and its really nice. Its quiet here today, nice and peaceful. The sun is shining, there isn't much wind for a change either. Theres lots of young people here at the moment - about 4 of them under 18yrs. They have to have toa nurse with them all the time and aren't allowed to interact with usl
I cannt wait till the kids turn up, going to go outside with them for half an hour. Kasey wont be coming though cos she is at school.
Days beginning are where the waters flow
trickling gently over the rocks
and down the gully to where
they join in the opening.
Birds singing and leaves rustling
Its peaceful there.
Down the fresh stream in
the opening waters,
where cattle are drenched
by the waters that flow.
Dry mouths, not here,
while it is fresh.
The cool morning mist
brings a breath of fresh air,
the wind carries whispers
to those that will hear.
the resting place
where the sandy dunes yield
to the ocean, with
windswept mountains,
where leaves carry whispers.
That is where the soul of her bring rests.
Its quiet down there down on the flats
where crystal clear waters
lat at the dunes.
Her soul is at rest
knowing the hard dark days are gone,
carried away on the last king tide,
with only the fear that they may return,
like a haunted echo from the
old lighthouse.
Leave me still in the
quiet mornings sun,
where I can ponder my
future with my loved one.
Where I can bask in
the cool mornings sun.
To wish upon the future
is to know what you want,
to ask for forgiveness
is to know what youve done.
leave me to be quiet
as I look at the view,
taking it in like a breath
of fresh air.
J tells me I have to want to get better not just for Nath and the kids and not just for them but also for myself. Doesn't she get it? I dont care about me! I only want to live for them, not me. I know I have to learn that Im precious and that I matter but I just dont care, Im only living for everyone elses sake, so that I can be their wife and their mother and a friend who doesn't break promises.
If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here 0 I would have nothing to live for.
There is no way that I can do what i use to do. Its draining to think of it! I have admitted defeat to myself. My body, my mind and my soul has had a meltdown - hit the wall so to speak.
The thought of having to cook, clean, do the washing and look after the kids is just too hard. My mind wouldn't be able to keep up with everyones demands. I dont have the love for cooking anymore, nor piano or uni. I dont even think Ive got the energy to play with the kids, its draining when they are here for a short time.
Ive let the team down, Ive failed at what I should be able to do best.
I really hope my anidepressants kick in soon and lifts my mood so that I can have the love again for my life.
The visit with Nath and the kids went well, got to go to the park down at the harbour and then went to Hungry Jacks for lunch. I got a little anxious - it was that feeling we get after being in the desert for 6wks and then having to come home to being around lots of people - where everything feels weird.
I haven't needed meds cos of the anxiety - just been listening to music.
Saw Dr Se and he is going to keep my Zyprexa the same for now. He will put it up if Im not getting 6 - 7hrs sleep which Im only JUST getting.
.....Just got head CT donw. Should get results tomorrow.
Been listening to country music on my ipod - been nice hey!
The doctor also said today that I should start going over to the shops to see how I go with getting back to being around people. Mum is going to take me shopping on Friday to buy some new clothes. I just hope my anxiety and nerves stay pretty calm. If Em comes over tomorrow I might be able to go with her - gotta get nath a fathers day pressy.
A day spent outside
was like a rainbow after a storm
-a promise of what is to come.
The waves lapped at the sand,
boats afloat waiting to sail.
While the birds chirped,
children played,
and the wind whispered.
The freedom came
and felt as soft oas sil
again the harsh emotions
that flow through her veins.
But as quickly as it came
it pulled up to a hault
but the memories remain
of the day that was.
A million tears fall
as I weep for my life
to bring it back again.
Now Im here
so lets drink to the
madness that made me
this way.
My eyes have cried
a million tears.
Take these tears of mine
and out them on
the box cart of an
ever-rolling train.
Im having trouble breathing
so carry my soul far away,
leave all my troubles behind.
I felt a little nervy tonight. I feel a bit anxious and figgety but Ive had my meds early and they haven't kicked in yet. I took them at 7pm so nearly and hour ago. Today I feel I had another successful step, and even though I did feel anxious outsude I wasn't a mess. Bring on Friday so mum can take me shopping.
Hopefully we can still go to St George, the plan is to get there - fingers crossed we do hey!! Everyone is looking forward to it!!
3/9/10 Day 17
I got to sleep last night really easily. The Zyprexa doesnt make me sleepy either. I slept really well but as usual my room mate Bec was really noisey from 6am onwards. Everything she does is really loud!! And she kept coming and going and not shutting the door quietly too.
I feel ok this morning! Im a little apprehensive about going to the shops with Em if she turns up. Not quite sure how I will go but I have to do it. The sooner I do it the better I will feel about doing things, and the sooner I get home the better it can get.
Em just rang - she is going to be here at 10.30. Ive got one of those flexi grip things over my arm so I can hide the cuts - Ill just tell her its to hide my hospital band.
a new beginning
clouds hang low
voering the mountain tops,
mist rises from the lake.
Its a new day
of a new beginning
as the horizon peaks
through in the distance.
A gentle breeze
offers fresh air of hope
as the blue bird sings
a song of praise for the day.
The beauty that is on the lake
escapes to the land
to spread her wings
over all that are near.
the sad house
the sun sets giving the moon a haze
surrounded by pink, purple and blue.
the house stands alone
no friend in site
as the eyes look upon the day that was.
Iron as a shelter and solid timber
for support.
It has noone to love,
to call a place home.
The trees stand out back and afar,
to far away to give shelter in the heat.
The long grass rustles in the breeze,
hiding any enemies that dare to come.
Its the sad house that noone loves,
only passers-by give it a glance.
For once upon a time it gave hope
to the few
that once call it their house, their home.
The down turned corner can only
hope that one day someone
will smile back.
Its hard to explain how I feel today, excited that I get to go out. Its good because I feel like this is a glimpse of the future but at the same time I do still feel very depressed and low in spirit, which I guess will star for a long time yet.
Its confusing me all these bizzare feelings. I still dont feel motivated to do a lot of things but feel liek I could hadnle a little outing. I feel like I can smile but still feel really low and its confusing me in what I really am.
I cannt believe Im feeling anxious already before Im even out the door. Its insane!! I just feel nervous. My ipod has been charging so might go listen to some music while I wait for the safe to open so I can get some money.
Just got back a while and Im so shakey, can you tell? (my handwriting, if you look at it is extremely shakey)
It went really well though, bought lots of things - 2 new tops, shorts, lots of head scalves and a silver ring each for Em and me. We are calling them our sister rings. I cannt wait to go shopping with Mum tomorrow.
Bought Nath diesel aftershave for fathers day.
Im dyeing my hair at the moment - darkest brown its called.
I had such a good time with Em. It was great just us 2 (and chels of course).
Ive just had seroquel and feel less anxious and shakey.
my hair is almost black! looks alright though hey!!
....just did my music relaxation group with Amjat (our OT). I feel so light listening to rainforest bamboo flute music. I thought of things that i use to life, things that were fun, like special camping memories with Nath and the kids. I feel nice now - probably has a lot to do with seroquel too though.
(Just a thought momentarily - wonder why I was on zyprexa AND seroquel....I think the seroquel was my PRN and zyprexa was my 'all the time' one)
Its been a day of mixed emotions. Ive felt excited, happy, nervous, depressed and anxious all at the same time. I guess thats just how Im going to feel for a long time. I still feel very shakey in my arms and Im suprised my writing isn't worse than what it is. I feel very tired though and I think Ill be having an early night. I feel very drained and worn out!! Its doesn't seem much - going to the shopping centre for 2hrs but i reall am drained. It was a lot of effort to do it but I did it and it feels good to have done it. Whether I was successful of not I dunno. (Seeing that I was anxious by the time I got back and I couldn't make it go away 0 even seroquel is struggling to take the edge off).
just unstuck the ipod! Yay for figuring out that! Boo to technology being a bitch!!
my new routines
1) you cannot do 2 things at once and relax! Either enjoy your cuppa OR your tv show....
2) allow 30min to myself everyday. need to buy nice tea, teapot and cup for a daily 'teatime' routine.
3) perfume and makeup. make a small effort to feel girly (argh! no skirts please!!) even when you dont feel like it.
4) talk to nath. spend time together each day after kids go to bed with tv off.
every rolling train
the train pulls to a hault,
the passenger being fear
climbs aboard hoping
to carry the soul far away.
Roll on, into the dark night
carry the fear to the past;
past the dingo fence
and the red sand desert.
theres hope down the
line of the tracks
of the red desert.
Take these tears on the train;
the box car of that
forever rolling train.
let the sun set for ever
on the ever rolling train
of fears and tears.
today i feel stronger, I feel like I am an important person. I feel honoured to have friends who believe in me, love and are being strong for me.
I feel lucky to have the best familt ever, my sister rocks at shopping!!
I feel blessed to have the most beautiful husband who love me dearly and I love him with all my being. My kids are my life line and am honoured to have such well behaved kids that are gorgeous and adorable.
Today is a glimpse of what the future might be, or should I say will be (I can just imagine J shaking her head at me saying 'noooo not might be - WILL be!') I still feel very depressed but feel just a bit less foggy which is fantastic!
listening to some Enya at the moment.....'portrait'. Pure piano! love that one!!
This is the story of my fight with suicide and depression as a teenager and again as a mother of 4 who had convinced herself that her children would be 'fine' without her alive.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
28/8 - 1/9/09 Day 11 - 15
28/9/09 DAY 11
Had 3 visitors this morning: Sara, Maja and Em. Sara told me all the 'crap' I didnt want to hear - be strong, ask God for help, this will make you a better christian, keep praying, blah blah blah! Talking to Maja was ok but I kept zoning out cos talking to Sara was so hard work and Em rocked up while Maja was here. Em's visit was good but I feel so drained mentally.
I woke up real early this morning, anxious as anything cos A hasn't sent me a message and I told J. She told me everything I already know - he is really busy at work! Dar! I know that, stupid me hey!
I hope I get to see the psych team this arvo, need to convince them I need to go home! Haven't eaten and Ive got a massive headache!
Cannt find the words for poetry today. Dunno why, just cannt think! It hurts too much hey.
3pm - just heard from A, he's had a shit week, will talk later.
Not going to do anger management this arvo with Amjat, dont have anger problem but I need to know whether or not Im gunna see a nurse or not!
ps. Sick of Kly asking if Ive got a lighter on me, or smokes! Get me outta here!!!
NOTE TO SELF: Drink plain old water!
Feeling pretty anxious about seeing the psych team - whats the bet I dont even get to see them hey! And Ill be stuck on 1/2hr break for the weekend! I just wanna get let out of here hey!
My room mate Peta is going home this arvo too, hope I dont get stuck with some strung out junkie.
Kly's going off again! Shit she's a nut case. Oooh Kelly is giving her a mouthful hey! Shut up you 2 will ya's!!
Notice how my handwriting changes?? depends on what mood Im in hey!
When I get home I wanna hug my kids so tight! And never let go!
NO MEETING WITH X NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"one thing I was told is to take baby steps...take it in my own time, dont rush because others say get over this or that...all things take time to heal from and we are all different and need the time we need....and it will be setbacks but you will rise and stand up again...I do have my back pack with memories that makes me cry, makes me miss....I guess it will follow me a long time and some things all my life....But the back pack with good things will grow bigger and bigger I hope. Ive found so many beautiful friends and you, yes you, on this way, Im blessed...all things we go through may not be the same but the feeling we get often are...hugs again and 'wow' to us.xxx Jo R.
X isn't going to be in until Tuesday apparently. NOT HAPPY!!!! I nearly spat it on the phone with Nath, he is really ticked off too!!
There is nothing I can do to change the situation so I must stay calm and not worry about it because worrying and getting cranky isnt going to do anything!
Kly's been put in lock up - squealing like mad she is!! Wish she would just shut up hey!! Now she's knocking on the door - uts her usual song and dance routine - noone answers her. She's gunna get sedated soon!!
29/8/09 DAY 12
Its raining today. I wish I was at home with my beauties! I cannt see the mountains today, so much for being 28 degrees!!
Been having really vivid dreams lately, must be the seroquel doing it to me.
Just got to see my kids over lunch time, they love playing with the pool table and giving me cuddles and kisses and I hate seeing them leave!! But they are coming back up in the morning with Mum. I hope Nath brings Bridie up cos I missed her kisses and cuddles just before. Gee, I cannt wait till I get home.
Yet another long night. Finished ANOTHER book this arvo, dunno what to read now. Cut my arm a little tonight to see how it felt. Was good hey!! I dont care if it hurts, Im kinda hurting already so this is just a visual, gives me something to focus on, something different. I just need to hide it from everyone thats all. long sleeves will do the trick.
Renewal
Rain rhythmically patters on the steps
as she looks out to the hills.
She wonders if its a sign
she cannot see into the distance
at what the day may bring.
Bit its the lure of the landscape
that keeps her holding on.
Its like something is there
that she cannot reach but can
vaguely see in the distance.
The fresh morning mist blends
with the harshness of the future
as it brings to her fear
of the unknown.
But there is hope, there is rain
may cleanse away and bring
renewal that is needed.
The Meetings
She almost felt naked in
the room with their eyes,
the room seemed filled
with fear and hope.
But the two mixed together
gave off a hazy view,
like mist in the morning.
It almost frightened her
but not quite.
Desperate for a
familiar voice
she sat there with her heart
in her mouth.
Emotions were like a
kaleidoscope, constantly shifting
constantly changing
the colours and shapes
altered and moving.
She felt triumphant that it
had gone well and would
now lie silent
and drained of energy.
In My Skin
She tears at it like
its not her own,
picking and scratching.
It turns red and she tears
some more,
line by line,
the pain starts to fade
but as it fades
another one starts.
It will heal,
its only wounds,
would rather that
than the other.
J's been doing uni today - got half her assignment done that is due on Wednesday. A has had a shit week at work, very long days by the sounds of it. They are off to a 60th tonight. I love their friendship and the care they give. I know no other couple like them. My life would not exist without them I believe. I owe them so much!
The wind whispers through the gap
a familiar voice but not the one longed for.
The stars sparkle - a sign of life
but not the life she can feel.
the darkness and wind are a comfort
to her soul like sand in the desert
is to a camels hoof.
A familiar voice she is longing for
as she sits and ponder the setting
sun's sign.
There is a mystery about the air
tonight,
she can feel it in her bones.
30/8/09 DAY 13
Got to see the kids again this morning. Dad brought them up - just not Bridie. Nathan is going to being her up tomorrow. He said he is trying to get a few things done at home today. I miss being at home, it really pulls at my heart to be there, but I just cannt. I need to be at home, I dont care about anything else, Ill get better but I need to be home!! I want to be at home....
...Im sick of that pen - it feels messy lol So Ill use a new pen.
I really feel like crap today. I want to escape away from my head and my pain, I want to feel free and not like this! The cuts on my arms aren't making me feel any better, they still hurt a little but I just feel like crap! Its like I cannt escape!
reflection
leave me alone here on my bed
its quiet and tranquil
as if Im sitting on the rocks
of a stream out west.
The water is trickling without
a care in the world,
the wind whispers through
the meadows' trees.
Its peaceful and less frantic
unlike the other place
where there is chatter about
anything that doesn't matter.
Its time to be still and reflect
on the life that is.
The words have escaped me today. The words to describe why I feel crap. I feel like curling up in a ball and being left to die a painful death. I feel like noone understands me, like Im struggling. I didnt sleep well and Im feeling slightly anxious. I feel like Im drowning!
J and A said I need to take care of myself because Im important, special and because I matter but how else do I get this pain to stop? My heart is aching to be home with my hubby and babies but Im not! Im here and I want the pain to stop but it cannt and it wont!!!!!
N, my favorite nurse (was the one who admitted me) just pulled me aside and asked me how Im really going. I told her how I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself. I seriously cannt get rid of the thoughts! They are always there and it is just to tiring trying to fight it.
She reckons its a bad idea if I go home - Im still quite suicidal in my thoughts although the risk has dropped.
an unwanted friend
You are there when i sleep
and when i rise,
you are there at dusk
and again at dawn.
there on the horizon you are
and again beside me
in lifes path.
You know when I sit
and you know when I stand
You never leave me
not even when ive company.
You withstand the test of time
and preserve through the thick.
I shrug my shoulders and you stay
I push you away and you bounce back.
My thoughts, you are unkind and unwanted
but I have no say,
you are something I cannt reach
although I see you.
31/8/09 DAY 14
Ive woken up feeling fairly good today. I feel happy cos Nath is coming up with Bridie girl. But i feel kinda scared too cos I have to tell Nath that because I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself that they may keep me here longer. But i need to be home, not here, I need to learn how to deal with this at home, I need to look into this CBT. I need to start the next chapter and that cannt happen here.
Joh, Maja and Kel visited last night..........It was a good visit.
It was like Sara visiting the other day, just had to be done and the polite things said. I dont want to know God is with me and how people in the bible struggled. I dont want people telling me this will make me a stronger christian - cos quite frankly I dont give a shit. I dont want anything to do with God or anything....I just wish people knew that without me having to tell them! ARGH!!
the secret
At days break there is a
mist of unwelcome fog,
this and heavy and burdensome.
It sits quietly in the open paddock.
The trees sway bringing a
whisper for all to hear,
but listen intently for its
quiet, soft and dolce.
The sun splits the clouds
and allows the mist to shimmer,
like diamonds in the sun
but its the serpent to watch for
like in the garden long before.
The wind begins to howl
longing for a tentative listener,
needing to release its secrets
to any who dare come.
Its the sun that brings warmth
for the day that is to come
for when the fog lifts is
when the winds secrets
shall be understood.
anticipation of a voice
Hearing his voice
will be like a gift,
to hear something familiar
will be soothing to one's soul.
A freshness will be brought
and the clean air will be clean.
There will be a mystery about
his voice, but no fear.
Life will feel all worthy
and all wonderful
when his words are spoken.
its 10.30am and nath with be here soon with Bridie. I cannt wait to see my baby girl. Its been a WHOLE week. I cannt wait to see how much she has grown, her big blue eyes, her smile that makes her eyes disappear, to have her cuddle me and suck all over my face, to feed her, play with her and make her smile, to have her in my arms. She warms my soul deep within me, she makes me smile from deep within, she brightens my day if nothing else will, she makes the future worth fighting for. Bridie girl makes me happy.
"no matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on"
"time for you to start treating yourself as precious and valuable rather than hurting yourself. You deserve to be treated well by everyone, particularly yourself" - A
"life is a series of problems, either your in one now, you just coming out of one or your just getting ready to go into another one"
Im here for another week!!
They are keeping me on care plan #3 because they are on edge especially during the night. And just to make sure they are sending me for a head scan and checking thyroid function.
Im not even being let home for a day or anything!!ARGH!!!
But I did get to see my Bridie girl and Jonty. Nath is really upset that Im not coming home, he is really angry! Im just over this shit hey! So over it! I dont care anymore!!!!
where my heart lies
My tears are falling
each drop is for
someone special at home.
Dont they understand
the need for babies
to have their mother?
dont they understand
that husbands need
their wives.
I dont need to be here
I need to be home
for that is where my heart lies;
that is where i belong.
I dont want to be here anymore
I want to be home
where my heart lies.
To be here and not there
to finally cry some tears
my heart, black, it will wear
as the future no longer nears.
To see nothing
on the horizon
to not have some light
is like standing on
the points edge,
balancing for life.
My heart longs for my home
to finally hold them
where I belong.
Just spoke to nath on the phone, he is searching for answers cos he wants to fully know what is going on and my actual diagnosis etc. He had a good chat to Maja which cleared up a lot of questions. Mum is going to take time off work to help with the kids while he is working, Bruce and Hazel have to go back home this week.
I feel really bad for nath, he is so stressed and worried sick and its all my fault!! He tells me not to worry. I feel like ive let him down by not getting any better. He tells me Im in the right place to get better, which kinda makes me feel better but i still worry!!
1/9/09 DAY 15
Took forever to go to sleep last night and I slept lightly for the rest of the night and woke about 5am. My mind feels blank today. Its feels like my head is empty which is a good thing I suppose.
Gran is coming to visit soon. She will have a coronary if Kly starts mouthing off!! She was a bit shocked when Em told her it was a drug rehab too!
Empty spaces fill my mind
as I sit and watch the sun shine.
I feel free to think
almost anything,
no fogginess in that space.
But its pounding
like hooves on the hard dirt.
It really does hurt
i feel free to think
almost anything.
I feel its been accomplished
to rid of the thoughts of hell.
I think I might be well,
but there on the horizon is mist
of the next morning
for what tomorrow may bring
is what satan can sing.
Oh rid of my mind of tomorrow
and let the space be
free of sorrow.
With you I feel inadequate,
one who has let me down.
One who you are not proud of.
You are in the impossible catch,
one who cannot be equal,
yet you say to try.
How can I if Im in a hell
of an unwanted life?
There will never be a time
where your happy
with ones goal.
How dare you hole me in this time,
Im unworthy of your car.
Just leave me to rot
just leave me to die.
Where is the love, the
protection you give?
And where are the footsteps
you asked me to follow?
There will never be a time
more painful as this
So leave me be
Leave me to die an
inadequate death.
Once a mighty stallion
with a family of great
stood proud of his place,
His offspring down below.
Many years it took for him ti know
just how to stand his ground.
With every decision as great
as the one before.
He was triumphant and stood
with head held high,
mane flowing in the wind
as if it gave the secret to his life.
He was free, unbound to
the life that was taken by
so many more.
Never before had he stood
on the edge of that cliff
with the pride of his herd.
The sand swept dunes stand
tall above the ocean
where they give way to the
blue of the water below.
Its a place of silence and peace
where noone else goes
The red dunes cannot
be weakened
for they are there through
the storms of the harsh sky.
They stand proud, stand strong
never giving in to the world below.
They are haunted by echoes
of a familiar voice
but the dunes are valiant to the end
even when memories of past
rush towards them.
But somewhere deep in the heart
is the voice of her soul
waiting to capture the future,
to re-write history,
to rebuild the life
that vanished into thin air,
that vanished into the tides
of the ocean.
rape victim
it rapes you in the middle of the night,
it takes over your day
like the storm clouds that
block out the sun.
The feeling engulfs your being
like the waves over
a sunken ship.
Fighting that urge takes
you through hell,
being dragged by chains
wrapped around your feet,
cutting you, piercing you,
as you are taken against
your will.
the fighter tries to shine
like the sun in a storm
like the moon on
an overcast night.
You cry out loud,
'why me?'
Yet it does not care,
for you are its prey
Its claws come for the kill.
A wave of darkness
a fog of terror
assist the devil with his calling.
A tear at your soul
a shiver of fear
gives the signal
the prey is here.
For no matter what
noone cares
is the answer he gives
as you scream out in pain.
The wave of terror
and the white-wash of agony
is predestined before
the age of time.
outback station
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the fences are worn
and the grass is brown.
The rolling hills are
a landscape longed for
where the cattle are calm;
where the air is clear.
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the windmills spin
to bring life to the land
and where the bales show
that all is not lost.
The landscape is triumphant
through the drought thats been
giving her courage
that all is not lost.
I feel ok today but still full of fog. I haven't had thoughts of self harm and haven't re-thought things through. I feel kinda spacey which I good I suppose. I miss my chats with A even though Ive been chatting with J. I cannot wait to see them, whenever that shall be. I promised them I would fight this and I dont want to fight this forever either!
Im scared that one day it will get the better of me and will give in, I will stop fighting and I will hurt myself more than what i have.
What do I have a hubby and kids to live for? A family that loves me? and why did I promise J and A?? I wish I had nothing so that it was easier to give in to death.
I need to go get my washing off the line.
finale
images of knives
rock the foundation of her mind.
the stabbing, the cutting
is hurting one who was kind.
The tree, the bridge,
the falling, the drowning,
the sorrow, the tears
will all fade away
when she closes her eyes
one last time, with
one last breath.
Images cease
Pain ceases
and the fear of the future
is stopped in the dead
of the night.
Then freedom comes
is it in sight.
The tunnel to the end holds
a mysterious mist to travel through.
The end is in sight
the end is in reach.
It is here at last.
"Australia is the worlds largest sand pit. Wanna play?
Ive had an ok kind of day - no anxiety and no thoughts or re-thinking. I had a bit of a meeting with 3 wanna be doctors cos they have to so case studies and I told them about the cuts on my arms. they told the nurses so now N knows and asked to see them and wont let me use a razor (i soooo need to shave my legs!!) and has also taken my earing off me - cos they are awesome tools to make blood.
Had 3 visitors this morning: Sara, Maja and Em. Sara told me all the 'crap' I didnt want to hear - be strong, ask God for help, this will make you a better christian, keep praying, blah blah blah! Talking to Maja was ok but I kept zoning out cos talking to Sara was so hard work and Em rocked up while Maja was here. Em's visit was good but I feel so drained mentally.
I woke up real early this morning, anxious as anything cos A hasn't sent me a message and I told J. She told me everything I already know - he is really busy at work! Dar! I know that, stupid me hey!
I hope I get to see the psych team this arvo, need to convince them I need to go home! Haven't eaten and Ive got a massive headache!
Cannt find the words for poetry today. Dunno why, just cannt think! It hurts too much hey.
3pm - just heard from A, he's had a shit week, will talk later.
Not going to do anger management this arvo with Amjat, dont have anger problem but I need to know whether or not Im gunna see a nurse or not!
ps. Sick of Kly asking if Ive got a lighter on me, or smokes! Get me outta here!!!
NOTE TO SELF: Drink plain old water!
Feeling pretty anxious about seeing the psych team - whats the bet I dont even get to see them hey! And Ill be stuck on 1/2hr break for the weekend! I just wanna get let out of here hey!
My room mate Peta is going home this arvo too, hope I dont get stuck with some strung out junkie.
Kly's going off again! Shit she's a nut case. Oooh Kelly is giving her a mouthful hey! Shut up you 2 will ya's!!
Notice how my handwriting changes?? depends on what mood Im in hey!
When I get home I wanna hug my kids so tight! And never let go!
NO MEETING WITH X NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"one thing I was told is to take baby steps...take it in my own time, dont rush because others say get over this or that...all things take time to heal from and we are all different and need the time we need....and it will be setbacks but you will rise and stand up again...I do have my back pack with memories that makes me cry, makes me miss....I guess it will follow me a long time and some things all my life....But the back pack with good things will grow bigger and bigger I hope. Ive found so many beautiful friends and you, yes you, on this way, Im blessed...all things we go through may not be the same but the feeling we get often are...hugs again and 'wow' to us.xxx Jo R.
X isn't going to be in until Tuesday apparently. NOT HAPPY!!!! I nearly spat it on the phone with Nath, he is really ticked off too!!
There is nothing I can do to change the situation so I must stay calm and not worry about it because worrying and getting cranky isnt going to do anything!
Kly's been put in lock up - squealing like mad she is!! Wish she would just shut up hey!! Now she's knocking on the door - uts her usual song and dance routine - noone answers her. She's gunna get sedated soon!!
29/8/09 DAY 12
Its raining today. I wish I was at home with my beauties! I cannt see the mountains today, so much for being 28 degrees!!
Been having really vivid dreams lately, must be the seroquel doing it to me.
Just got to see my kids over lunch time, they love playing with the pool table and giving me cuddles and kisses and I hate seeing them leave!! But they are coming back up in the morning with Mum. I hope Nath brings Bridie up cos I missed her kisses and cuddles just before. Gee, I cannt wait till I get home.
Yet another long night. Finished ANOTHER book this arvo, dunno what to read now. Cut my arm a little tonight to see how it felt. Was good hey!! I dont care if it hurts, Im kinda hurting already so this is just a visual, gives me something to focus on, something different. I just need to hide it from everyone thats all. long sleeves will do the trick.
Renewal
Rain rhythmically patters on the steps
as she looks out to the hills.
She wonders if its a sign
she cannot see into the distance
at what the day may bring.
Bit its the lure of the landscape
that keeps her holding on.
Its like something is there
that she cannot reach but can
vaguely see in the distance.
The fresh morning mist blends
with the harshness of the future
as it brings to her fear
of the unknown.
But there is hope, there is rain
may cleanse away and bring
renewal that is needed.
The Meetings
She almost felt naked in
the room with their eyes,
the room seemed filled
with fear and hope.
But the two mixed together
gave off a hazy view,
like mist in the morning.
It almost frightened her
but not quite.
Desperate for a
familiar voice
she sat there with her heart
in her mouth.
Emotions were like a
kaleidoscope, constantly shifting
constantly changing
the colours and shapes
altered and moving.
She felt triumphant that it
had gone well and would
now lie silent
and drained of energy.
In My Skin
She tears at it like
its not her own,
picking and scratching.
It turns red and she tears
some more,
line by line,
the pain starts to fade
but as it fades
another one starts.
It will heal,
its only wounds,
would rather that
than the other.
J's been doing uni today - got half her assignment done that is due on Wednesday. A has had a shit week at work, very long days by the sounds of it. They are off to a 60th tonight. I love their friendship and the care they give. I know no other couple like them. My life would not exist without them I believe. I owe them so much!
The wind whispers through the gap
a familiar voice but not the one longed for.
The stars sparkle - a sign of life
but not the life she can feel.
the darkness and wind are a comfort
to her soul like sand in the desert
is to a camels hoof.
A familiar voice she is longing for
as she sits and ponder the setting
sun's sign.
There is a mystery about the air
tonight,
she can feel it in her bones.
30/8/09 DAY 13
Got to see the kids again this morning. Dad brought them up - just not Bridie. Nathan is going to being her up tomorrow. He said he is trying to get a few things done at home today. I miss being at home, it really pulls at my heart to be there, but I just cannt. I need to be at home, I dont care about anything else, Ill get better but I need to be home!! I want to be at home....
...Im sick of that pen - it feels messy lol So Ill use a new pen.
I really feel like crap today. I want to escape away from my head and my pain, I want to feel free and not like this! The cuts on my arms aren't making me feel any better, they still hurt a little but I just feel like crap! Its like I cannt escape!
reflection
leave me alone here on my bed
its quiet and tranquil
as if Im sitting on the rocks
of a stream out west.
The water is trickling without
a care in the world,
the wind whispers through
the meadows' trees.
Its peaceful and less frantic
unlike the other place
where there is chatter about
anything that doesn't matter.
Its time to be still and reflect
on the life that is.
The words have escaped me today. The words to describe why I feel crap. I feel like curling up in a ball and being left to die a painful death. I feel like noone understands me, like Im struggling. I didnt sleep well and Im feeling slightly anxious. I feel like Im drowning!
J and A said I need to take care of myself because Im important, special and because I matter but how else do I get this pain to stop? My heart is aching to be home with my hubby and babies but Im not! Im here and I want the pain to stop but it cannt and it wont!!!!!
N, my favorite nurse (was the one who admitted me) just pulled me aside and asked me how Im really going. I told her how I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself. I seriously cannt get rid of the thoughts! They are always there and it is just to tiring trying to fight it.
She reckons its a bad idea if I go home - Im still quite suicidal in my thoughts although the risk has dropped.
an unwanted friend
You are there when i sleep
and when i rise,
you are there at dusk
and again at dawn.
there on the horizon you are
and again beside me
in lifes path.
You know when I sit
and you know when I stand
You never leave me
not even when ive company.
You withstand the test of time
and preserve through the thick.
I shrug my shoulders and you stay
I push you away and you bounce back.
My thoughts, you are unkind and unwanted
but I have no say,
you are something I cannt reach
although I see you.
31/8/09 DAY 14
Ive woken up feeling fairly good today. I feel happy cos Nath is coming up with Bridie girl. But i feel kinda scared too cos I have to tell Nath that because I cannt shake the thoughts of harming myself that they may keep me here longer. But i need to be home, not here, I need to learn how to deal with this at home, I need to look into this CBT. I need to start the next chapter and that cannt happen here.
Joh, Maja and Kel visited last night..........It was a good visit.
It was like Sara visiting the other day, just had to be done and the polite things said. I dont want to know God is with me and how people in the bible struggled. I dont want people telling me this will make me a stronger christian - cos quite frankly I dont give a shit. I dont want anything to do with God or anything....I just wish people knew that without me having to tell them! ARGH!!
the secret
At days break there is a
mist of unwelcome fog,
this and heavy and burdensome.
It sits quietly in the open paddock.
The trees sway bringing a
whisper for all to hear,
but listen intently for its
quiet, soft and dolce.
The sun splits the clouds
and allows the mist to shimmer,
like diamonds in the sun
but its the serpent to watch for
like in the garden long before.
The wind begins to howl
longing for a tentative listener,
needing to release its secrets
to any who dare come.
Its the sun that brings warmth
for the day that is to come
for when the fog lifts is
when the winds secrets
shall be understood.
anticipation of a voice
Hearing his voice
will be like a gift,
to hear something familiar
will be soothing to one's soul.
A freshness will be brought
and the clean air will be clean.
There will be a mystery about
his voice, but no fear.
Life will feel all worthy
and all wonderful
when his words are spoken.
its 10.30am and nath with be here soon with Bridie. I cannt wait to see my baby girl. Its been a WHOLE week. I cannt wait to see how much she has grown, her big blue eyes, her smile that makes her eyes disappear, to have her cuddle me and suck all over my face, to feed her, play with her and make her smile, to have her in my arms. She warms my soul deep within me, she makes me smile from deep within, she brightens my day if nothing else will, she makes the future worth fighting for. Bridie girl makes me happy.
"no matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on"
"time for you to start treating yourself as precious and valuable rather than hurting yourself. You deserve to be treated well by everyone, particularly yourself" - A
"life is a series of problems, either your in one now, you just coming out of one or your just getting ready to go into another one"
Im here for another week!!
They are keeping me on care plan #3 because they are on edge especially during the night. And just to make sure they are sending me for a head scan and checking thyroid function.
Im not even being let home for a day or anything!!ARGH!!!
But I did get to see my Bridie girl and Jonty. Nath is really upset that Im not coming home, he is really angry! Im just over this shit hey! So over it! I dont care anymore!!!!
where my heart lies
My tears are falling
each drop is for
someone special at home.
Dont they understand
the need for babies
to have their mother?
dont they understand
that husbands need
their wives.
I dont need to be here
I need to be home
for that is where my heart lies;
that is where i belong.
I dont want to be here anymore
I want to be home
where my heart lies.
To be here and not there
to finally cry some tears
my heart, black, it will wear
as the future no longer nears.
To see nothing
on the horizon
to not have some light
is like standing on
the points edge,
balancing for life.
My heart longs for my home
to finally hold them
where I belong.
Just spoke to nath on the phone, he is searching for answers cos he wants to fully know what is going on and my actual diagnosis etc. He had a good chat to Maja which cleared up a lot of questions. Mum is going to take time off work to help with the kids while he is working, Bruce and Hazel have to go back home this week.
I feel really bad for nath, he is so stressed and worried sick and its all my fault!! He tells me not to worry. I feel like ive let him down by not getting any better. He tells me Im in the right place to get better, which kinda makes me feel better but i still worry!!
1/9/09 DAY 15
Took forever to go to sleep last night and I slept lightly for the rest of the night and woke about 5am. My mind feels blank today. Its feels like my head is empty which is a good thing I suppose.
Gran is coming to visit soon. She will have a coronary if Kly starts mouthing off!! She was a bit shocked when Em told her it was a drug rehab too!
Empty spaces fill my mind
as I sit and watch the sun shine.
I feel free to think
almost anything,
no fogginess in that space.
But its pounding
like hooves on the hard dirt.
It really does hurt
i feel free to think
almost anything.
I feel its been accomplished
to rid of the thoughts of hell.
I think I might be well,
but there on the horizon is mist
of the next morning
for what tomorrow may bring
is what satan can sing.
Oh rid of my mind of tomorrow
and let the space be
free of sorrow.
With you I feel inadequate,
one who has let me down.
One who you are not proud of.
You are in the impossible catch,
one who cannot be equal,
yet you say to try.
How can I if Im in a hell
of an unwanted life?
There will never be a time
where your happy
with ones goal.
How dare you hole me in this time,
Im unworthy of your car.
Just leave me to rot
just leave me to die.
Where is the love, the
protection you give?
And where are the footsteps
you asked me to follow?
There will never be a time
more painful as this
So leave me be
Leave me to die an
inadequate death.
Once a mighty stallion
with a family of great
stood proud of his place,
His offspring down below.
Many years it took for him ti know
just how to stand his ground.
With every decision as great
as the one before.
He was triumphant and stood
with head held high,
mane flowing in the wind
as if it gave the secret to his life.
He was free, unbound to
the life that was taken by
so many more.
Never before had he stood
on the edge of that cliff
with the pride of his herd.
The sand swept dunes stand
tall above the ocean
where they give way to the
blue of the water below.
Its a place of silence and peace
where noone else goes
The red dunes cannot
be weakened
for they are there through
the storms of the harsh sky.
They stand proud, stand strong
never giving in to the world below.
They are haunted by echoes
of a familiar voice
but the dunes are valiant to the end
even when memories of past
rush towards them.
But somewhere deep in the heart
is the voice of her soul
waiting to capture the future,
to re-write history,
to rebuild the life
that vanished into thin air,
that vanished into the tides
of the ocean.
rape victim
it rapes you in the middle of the night,
it takes over your day
like the storm clouds that
block out the sun.
The feeling engulfs your being
like the waves over
a sunken ship.
Fighting that urge takes
you through hell,
being dragged by chains
wrapped around your feet,
cutting you, piercing you,
as you are taken against
your will.
the fighter tries to shine
like the sun in a storm
like the moon on
an overcast night.
You cry out loud,
'why me?'
Yet it does not care,
for you are its prey
Its claws come for the kill.
A wave of darkness
a fog of terror
assist the devil with his calling.
A tear at your soul
a shiver of fear
gives the signal
the prey is here.
For no matter what
noone cares
is the answer he gives
as you scream out in pain.
The wave of terror
and the white-wash of agony
is predestined before
the age of time.
outback station
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the fences are worn
and the grass is brown.
The rolling hills are
a landscape longed for
where the cattle are calm;
where the air is clear.
her soul needs to lie
in the pastures out back
where the windmills spin
to bring life to the land
and where the bales show
that all is not lost.
The landscape is triumphant
through the drought thats been
giving her courage
that all is not lost.
I feel ok today but still full of fog. I haven't had thoughts of self harm and haven't re-thought things through. I feel kinda spacey which I good I suppose. I miss my chats with A even though Ive been chatting with J. I cannot wait to see them, whenever that shall be. I promised them I would fight this and I dont want to fight this forever either!
Im scared that one day it will get the better of me and will give in, I will stop fighting and I will hurt myself more than what i have.
What do I have a hubby and kids to live for? A family that loves me? and why did I promise J and A?? I wish I had nothing so that it was easier to give in to death.
I need to go get my washing off the line.
finale
images of knives
rock the foundation of her mind.
the stabbing, the cutting
is hurting one who was kind.
The tree, the bridge,
the falling, the drowning,
the sorrow, the tears
will all fade away
when she closes her eyes
one last time, with
one last breath.
Images cease
Pain ceases
and the fear of the future
is stopped in the dead
of the night.
Then freedom comes
is it in sight.
The tunnel to the end holds
a mysterious mist to travel through.
The end is in sight
the end is in reach.
It is here at last.
"Australia is the worlds largest sand pit. Wanna play?
Ive had an ok kind of day - no anxiety and no thoughts or re-thinking. I had a bit of a meeting with 3 wanna be doctors cos they have to so case studies and I told them about the cuts on my arms. they told the nurses so now N knows and asked to see them and wont let me use a razor (i soooo need to shave my legs!!) and has also taken my earing off me - cos they are awesome tools to make blood.
26-27/9/09 Day 9-10
26/9/09 Day 9 Mirrabook
Today I see less fog,
Today I see less smoke.
In the distance I can see
Happiness, the future
of the person within.
Its not absolute
and its not crystal clear
but the outline is there,
its clearer than the day before.
On the horizon is hope,
and the dust cloud is small.
There's a long way to go
but its there,
in the distance.
Long hair,
flowing.
Its glistening in the sun.
Smiling
she sees
the future that is to come,
No one
can tell
what she will embrace.
For there
is one
that can tell her the whole truth.
But dont give in to the fear,
dont hold back on the sheer
agony you are in.
There is
a future,
out there, its out there,
out there.
Dust clouds will settle
on the horizon
which is hope.
There were
empty
spaces
within her soul.
Darkness
takes her
into a world of the unknown.
Its a pain that
no one else knows,
not even the closest love.
Its loneliness
that no one
else can see.
She breathes in
taking
a freshness that is clear
of fog.
For once
she feels
free from guilt and shame.
Dust clouds will settle
will settle
on the horizon
that is hope.
Dust clouds
will give way
to the future that
is in her.
there is a future out there
and she can
see through the dust
of the future to be embraced.
There is a future out there,
its out there,
out there
where dust clouds will
settle on the horizon
which is hope.
Strong and brave
and willing to fight,
no one can hold this
brave girl down.
She's like a dog with a bone
never going to give up.
Embracing and encountering
the future is her aim.
Happy and smiling
and willing to fight.
Everyone can see
this glow she has within.
Courageous and empowered
and willing to fight,
she will rebuild
that life that vanished
into thin air.
Yet she is haunted by echo's
of memories of the day
where she felt
powerless, weakened
by the breath that she took.
Its a train ride, an avalanche
of emotion that is here.
She wont be paralysed
by the fear of the
memories that come in
a tidal wave and quickly retreat.
I feel stronger today, like that fog has cleared a little. I feel like I can fight this, like it wont get the better of me. I can almost believe all the things that Jen has said to me. I do feel brave and I do feel strong but the fear of going backwards is so in my face its terrifying. I wish my hardest that I wouldn't have another bad day. I cannt handle bad days, what if they get the better of me? What if I give up fighting? Its so hard to fight on bad days, its so hard to think that it isn't the end. I dont want anymore bad days but I know Im going to have them which sucks!!
But for today at least Im going to just enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the day. I feel less foggy, less depressed and a little more brighter.
I just have to allow myself to feel bad on bad days and remember that the sun will shine and my soul will sing again. I have to believe everything that Jen and Andrew say to me. Apparently its true.
The doctors said the other day that Im a very self driven person and for whatever reason its like my body has hit the wall. My body cannt take it anymore, it wants me to have down time, to rest.
Just cos Ive got kids doesn't mean that I cannot rest, I cannot have 'Laura' time. I have to not feel guilty about not doing housework and doing things for myself. Ive got to stop feeling guilty about that!
Had lunch with my beautiful hubby today out on the grass. What a fantastic half hour that was! Sitting in the sun, talking about me and us and the kids. It was so invigorating, so refreshing to think that we can talk about 'stuff'. He came inside and we had a cuppa before he left. He's doing medical stuff for the army in wollongong. I love him so much, more than he realises, more than I realised myself! We are going to make more of an effort to help each other, to not get stuck in a rut and to enjoy for time together.
"After winter, comes the summer; after night comes the dawn; after every storm comes clear open skies" - Samuel Rutherford.
I fell like tonight I need to declutter my brain. So much has happened today. Em and C visited which was great and I had lunch with Nathan outside. Plus Joh visited this arvo. I also did the 2 group sessions on wellness and relaxation. I feel drained and worn out. But I didnt do much. Is it because my mind has 'hit the wall' that even doing this small amount of effort is hard? Is this what is going to happen every day? I just feel fatigued but just not sleepy. Ive got a headache from thinking, it feels.
Just used that apricot scrub on my face - took my time and enjoyed it and now just put a small amount of moisturiser on my face too and it feels nice. Just concentrated on the strokes on my face. Might add that to my 'relax' list of things to do. feels nice when I feel really drained!
From J 8.38pm: You are so wonderful you know...just gone through today's mail and received a beautiful heartfelt letter....you have a real gift with words...you express yourself in a way I could only dream of doing...your honesty is heart warming and I feel privileged to have been able to walk this part of your journey with you. Not an easy journal by any step of the imagination, a rocky path, full of pot holes and at times bumps that seem insurmountable...you are more of a rock Laura than you know. I admire you for your extreme courage and bravery because you haven't given up. Thankyou for sharing your letter with us. I wish at times I could wave my magic wand and 'fix' you quickly, I feel helpless often. Thankyou for being you, for sharing you with us, the real Laura. J. xxx.
27/8/09 Day 10 Mirrabook
The hiding place
of her soul
is where the outback
yields to the ocean,
but not without a fight.
The red raw earth grasps
at the coast, only to
fall off the cliffs or
somersault into a beach
of windswept dunes.
She's taking the reins,
its in her blood to try
and rebuild a life
that has vanished
into thin air.
Today I feel good but tired. Why am I so tired all the time? Its actually a sunny day outside and the wind has died down.
Im feeling like I want to go home, I reckon Ive been here long enough hey! My kids and hubby need me at home but they also need me well.
How am I going to cope when I get home? How am I going to look after the kids and do the housework too?
I haven't heard from J or A today. I know Thursdays are busy for them and I think this happened last week too. I feel lost if I dont hear from them during the day. Its horrible them to message me all the time but I really do feel lost without them
I cannt seem to find my way
when I dont hear from you
throughout the day.
Like walking through the forest
in the dark,
like a child lost at the park.
Not knowing which way to turn
I can feel my soul,
it hurts as it burns.
You hold my hand along lifes path,
you hold me strong in the aftermath.
But for now Im lost without you
Not knowing what to do.
(This feeling I got, and still get, towards not hearing from them is a part of the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with. In a sense: I hate you, dont leave me)
Right now I feel:
at peace
bored shitless
lonely
like not talking but just sitting in silence with nath
seeing my kiddies!
tired, fatigued but not sleepy
like a hug
the urge to go camping! (might need to write myself a shopping list)
Camping shopping list:
10 nights:
4 sachet bread mix with yeast
4 rump steaks
2 chicken breast
2 sausage
1 mince
1 pasta
honey mustard chicken
sweet n sour chicken stir fry
sausages n mash
sausage stew
porcupine meatballs
pasta
stew
beef n black bean sauce
stir fry x 2
bacon
eggs
tin tom's
tin pineapple x 3
black bean sauce
honey mustard sauce
stir fry sauces x 3
pasta
sauce
rice
(This next part is a section of a book that Con was preaching.....its got some good points but its a pretty 'self' based book and seems a little too selfish for my liking but Ill put it in here anyway.....)
deep at the centre of my being there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. the more love I use and give, the more I have to give - the supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good. it is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself therefore I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy. I love myself therefore I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it. I love myself therefore I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, in that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and that love me, and earning a good income. I love myself therefore I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world for they are a mirror of what I am. I love myself therefore I forgive and totally release that past and all past experiences and I am free. I love myself therefore I love totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.
And so it is.
I managed to play 'Sarabande' tonight - twice. And the 2nd time was heaps better. For once I actually understood the music, which is so bizarre to say because I should have always been able to understand it! But for the past couple of months I haven't.
I even managed half of the Rachmaninoff Prelly but my brain hurts from think so much! Plus my fingers kind of lost what they had to do. But Im getting better I think.
Haven't heard from A for 2 days now, kinda feel REALLY lost now! I keep looking at my phone waiting for a message but there is nothing there. Maybe Im expecting too much! I feel like sending him a msg saying 'fuckin' answer me will ya!!'. I know he has tennis tonight so its ok, he has a life!!
Today I see less fog,
Today I see less smoke.
In the distance I can see
Happiness, the future
of the person within.
Its not absolute
and its not crystal clear
but the outline is there,
its clearer than the day before.
On the horizon is hope,
and the dust cloud is small.
There's a long way to go
but its there,
in the distance.
Long hair,
flowing.
Its glistening in the sun.
Smiling
she sees
the future that is to come,
No one
can tell
what she will embrace.
For there
is one
that can tell her the whole truth.
But dont give in to the fear,
dont hold back on the sheer
agony you are in.
There is
a future,
out there, its out there,
out there.
Dust clouds will settle
on the horizon
which is hope.
There were
empty
spaces
within her soul.
Darkness
takes her
into a world of the unknown.
Its a pain that
no one else knows,
not even the closest love.
Its loneliness
that no one
else can see.
She breathes in
taking
a freshness that is clear
of fog.
For once
she feels
free from guilt and shame.
Dust clouds will settle
will settle
on the horizon
that is hope.
Dust clouds
will give way
to the future that
is in her.
there is a future out there
and she can
see through the dust
of the future to be embraced.
There is a future out there,
its out there,
out there
where dust clouds will
settle on the horizon
which is hope.
Strong and brave
and willing to fight,
no one can hold this
brave girl down.
She's like a dog with a bone
never going to give up.
Embracing and encountering
the future is her aim.
Happy and smiling
and willing to fight.
Everyone can see
this glow she has within.
Courageous and empowered
and willing to fight,
she will rebuild
that life that vanished
into thin air.
Yet she is haunted by echo's
of memories of the day
where she felt
powerless, weakened
by the breath that she took.
Its a train ride, an avalanche
of emotion that is here.
She wont be paralysed
by the fear of the
memories that come in
a tidal wave and quickly retreat.
I feel stronger today, like that fog has cleared a little. I feel like I can fight this, like it wont get the better of me. I can almost believe all the things that Jen has said to me. I do feel brave and I do feel strong but the fear of going backwards is so in my face its terrifying. I wish my hardest that I wouldn't have another bad day. I cannt handle bad days, what if they get the better of me? What if I give up fighting? Its so hard to fight on bad days, its so hard to think that it isn't the end. I dont want anymore bad days but I know Im going to have them which sucks!!
But for today at least Im going to just enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the day. I feel less foggy, less depressed and a little more brighter.
I just have to allow myself to feel bad on bad days and remember that the sun will shine and my soul will sing again. I have to believe everything that Jen and Andrew say to me. Apparently its true.
The doctors said the other day that Im a very self driven person and for whatever reason its like my body has hit the wall. My body cannt take it anymore, it wants me to have down time, to rest.
Just cos Ive got kids doesn't mean that I cannot rest, I cannot have 'Laura' time. I have to not feel guilty about not doing housework and doing things for myself. Ive got to stop feeling guilty about that!
Had lunch with my beautiful hubby today out on the grass. What a fantastic half hour that was! Sitting in the sun, talking about me and us and the kids. It was so invigorating, so refreshing to think that we can talk about 'stuff'. He came inside and we had a cuppa before he left. He's doing medical stuff for the army in wollongong. I love him so much, more than he realises, more than I realised myself! We are going to make more of an effort to help each other, to not get stuck in a rut and to enjoy for time together.
"After winter, comes the summer; after night comes the dawn; after every storm comes clear open skies" - Samuel Rutherford.
I fell like tonight I need to declutter my brain. So much has happened today. Em and C visited which was great and I had lunch with Nathan outside. Plus Joh visited this arvo. I also did the 2 group sessions on wellness and relaxation. I feel drained and worn out. But I didnt do much. Is it because my mind has 'hit the wall' that even doing this small amount of effort is hard? Is this what is going to happen every day? I just feel fatigued but just not sleepy. Ive got a headache from thinking, it feels.
Just used that apricot scrub on my face - took my time and enjoyed it and now just put a small amount of moisturiser on my face too and it feels nice. Just concentrated on the strokes on my face. Might add that to my 'relax' list of things to do. feels nice when I feel really drained!
From J 8.38pm: You are so wonderful you know...just gone through today's mail and received a beautiful heartfelt letter....you have a real gift with words...you express yourself in a way I could only dream of doing...your honesty is heart warming and I feel privileged to have been able to walk this part of your journey with you. Not an easy journal by any step of the imagination, a rocky path, full of pot holes and at times bumps that seem insurmountable...you are more of a rock Laura than you know. I admire you for your extreme courage and bravery because you haven't given up. Thankyou for sharing your letter with us. I wish at times I could wave my magic wand and 'fix' you quickly, I feel helpless often. Thankyou for being you, for sharing you with us, the real Laura. J. xxx.
27/8/09 Day 10 Mirrabook
The hiding place
of her soul
is where the outback
yields to the ocean,
but not without a fight.
The red raw earth grasps
at the coast, only to
fall off the cliffs or
somersault into a beach
of windswept dunes.
She's taking the reins,
its in her blood to try
and rebuild a life
that has vanished
into thin air.
Today I feel good but tired. Why am I so tired all the time? Its actually a sunny day outside and the wind has died down.
Im feeling like I want to go home, I reckon Ive been here long enough hey! My kids and hubby need me at home but they also need me well.
How am I going to cope when I get home? How am I going to look after the kids and do the housework too?
I haven't heard from J or A today. I know Thursdays are busy for them and I think this happened last week too. I feel lost if I dont hear from them during the day. Its horrible them to message me all the time but I really do feel lost without them
I cannt seem to find my way
when I dont hear from you
throughout the day.
Like walking through the forest
in the dark,
like a child lost at the park.
Not knowing which way to turn
I can feel my soul,
it hurts as it burns.
You hold my hand along lifes path,
you hold me strong in the aftermath.
But for now Im lost without you
Not knowing what to do.
(This feeling I got, and still get, towards not hearing from them is a part of the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with. In a sense: I hate you, dont leave me)
Right now I feel:
at peace
bored shitless
lonely
like not talking but just sitting in silence with nath
seeing my kiddies!
tired, fatigued but not sleepy
like a hug
the urge to go camping! (might need to write myself a shopping list)
Camping shopping list:
10 nights:
4 sachet bread mix with yeast
4 rump steaks
2 chicken breast
2 sausage
1 mince
1 pasta
honey mustard chicken
sweet n sour chicken stir fry
sausages n mash
sausage stew
porcupine meatballs
pasta
stew
beef n black bean sauce
stir fry x 2
bacon
eggs
tin tom's
tin pineapple x 3
black bean sauce
honey mustard sauce
stir fry sauces x 3
pasta
sauce
rice
(This next part is a section of a book that Con was preaching.....its got some good points but its a pretty 'self' based book and seems a little too selfish for my liking but Ill put it in here anyway.....)
deep at the centre of my being there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. the more love I use and give, the more I have to give - the supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good. it is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself therefore I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy. I love myself therefore I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it. I love myself therefore I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, in that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and that love me, and earning a good income. I love myself therefore I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world for they are a mirror of what I am. I love myself therefore I forgive and totally release that past and all past experiences and I am free. I love myself therefore I love totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.
And so it is.
I managed to play 'Sarabande' tonight - twice. And the 2nd time was heaps better. For once I actually understood the music, which is so bizarre to say because I should have always been able to understand it! But for the past couple of months I haven't.
I even managed half of the Rachmaninoff Prelly but my brain hurts from think so much! Plus my fingers kind of lost what they had to do. But Im getting better I think.
Haven't heard from A for 2 days now, kinda feel REALLY lost now! I keep looking at my phone waiting for a message but there is nothing there. Maybe Im expecting too much! I feel like sending him a msg saying 'fuckin' answer me will ya!!'. I know he has tennis tonight so its ok, he has a life!!
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