24/9/09

24/9/09

Went to Joh's this morning. We had a good chat. I put on facebook for my status that I was thankful for everyones well wishes but would not like to catch up with anyone at this point in time, that I just need to be left in peace. It was the easiest way to tell some people to leave me alone. Joh though that it was a good idea wording it like that.

Saw Dr M this arvo, got scripts although he wouldn't lie about my diagnosis to get seroquel on the PBS for me....not that its lying, but technically you have to be diagnosed with schizophrenia to be able to get it on the PBS, although psychiatrists can do it...He said he would really like to talk to me about my stay in Mirrabook etc. He also asked me about how I'm feeling. I'm not sure how I'm feeling, I just know I feel better than what I was. I still feel unmotivated, sleep deprived, like I could run away and hide from my life for ever and ever. But everything I'm feeling is nowhere near as bad as what I felt before. I feel like I'm coping but I cope on my bad days. I can see a future some of the time where before I couldn't see one at all and I had convinced myself the kids would cope without me. I still have a shocking memory but my concentration is heaps better. To get to Dr M I had to drive over the bridge - success. Although I looked at my 'aim points' and quivered and went through the motions of how I would do it - but it was not instrusive and I wasn't planning it. Dr M is awesome. He is alot like A in regards to being a doctor and character. Wonder what A is doing? Wish I would get a message, even if it says 'hi, we dont think of you anymore'. Angry feelings are coming out, think Ill stop hey!!

(Prior to being admitted I couldn't even concentrate on reversing out the driveway and wouldn't even stop for a car coming - just happened to be cranky woman down the road every day. I couldn't cook dinner - I would burn things because I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing, I would lose track of where I was up to, I couldn't do the shopping because I felt so frustrated and by the time I was in isle 2 I would walk out with what I had. I couldn't read with the kids - literally! Kasey would bring her home readers home and I couldn't even look at the pages without feeling overwhelmed, I couldn't do it!! I just couldn't. And as for head lice - since Kasey had managed to get them - I could not even think about putting a comb through her hair - not even 1 stroke. I would feel angry, overwhelmed, anxious and jittery. I couldn't understand the words I was looking at and I would have to read emails and messages about 20 times really slowly before anything sunk in - and I still struggle with this today! Something else that should have been a hint was not being able to understand anything that was happening in 'Underbelly'. I couldn't remember the names of the characters, who were the 'goodies' and who were the 'baddies. I cannot describe in words how hard all this is to deal with at the time. To be mentally unable to do anything was like telling me I might as well not be around - I couldn't do anything, I was becoming so useless at even the most simple things.

Another thing I should mention; the dreams I was having were extremely distressing. The main reoccurring dream was me being stuck behind a glass wall looking at the kids playing, I would be yelling out to them but I had no voice. The kids couldn't see me either. Each time I had this dream is became more distressing even though it was the same dream. I had other dreams that I would wake from in a sweat and was then unable to go back to sleep. The sleep I did have was awesome but there wasn't much of it happening. 2am was a sleep in and I would doze back off by 7am if I was lucky - only to be woken up by the kids a few minutes later. I was losing weight rapidly too, 4kg in 1 week.)

Got a message of J the other day, she is going on a self imposed facebook ban so she can get some uni done. I miss my chats with them. I wish they cared to know just how I'm going and just how much better I feel and that Ive had 2 weeks of no anxiety or suicidal ideation. I'm still so angry at them hey. I want to tell them to go to hell for what they did to me but I know why they did it and its so frustrating for me because my brain is split into 2 - a good and an evil...I hate my brain!! Angry!!!!
I want to sleep and not have Bridie wake up at 4am again but I think she will because she didn't want her bottle tonight. Ah well. Best sleep. Mum's staying over again. I could cope without her here but its good just in case it all falls apart and I freak out.


As I sit still
here in the quiet
where the birds sing
and the wind blows,
I ponder the life
that has recently been.
To wish it away
would be a sure way
of wishing my life
to be gone.
The wind brings secrets
of the future ahead,
the reasons why
and the freshness
of the present.
To say there is hope
to say there is peace
is like bringing
water to quench
the soul of the weary
just as a rainbow
is a promise of life.
The quiet, the stillness
is as refreshing
as the wind on
snow capped mountains.

Some poems Ive found that describe how I feel because I have seriously lost all ability to write anything that can express these emotions.

the bird that couldn't fly

You couldn't understand
even if you tried
the reason that she cries at night
the reason she tries to hide.

Don't try to come close
she'll push you away
there's something that you don't know
words she couldn't say.

She tries with all her might
to be herself around her friends
but something doesn't feel right
a broken heart that could not mend/

She pretends that she is strong
a tough outer shell
but there is something wrong
she's trapped in her cell.

She wants to speak
to tell you all the truth
but she is way too weak
broken without any glue.

Painfully shy;
the bird that couldn't fly
dying on the inside
a body without a mind.

Maybe if you took the time
find the person she tries to be
maybe if you looked inside
you'd realise she is me.

prison without bars
you lie in bed
you tremble and sweat
its your very existence
you've come to regret.
you know the result
you know the stats
every joint hurts
your whole body aches
your breathing is heavy
your coughing and wheezing
your stomach's in a knot
and you feel like your freezing.
You feel like your dying
your whole body is sore.
One thing is for sure
you're a prisoner of war.
your emotions run high
the fear is so real
you don't have enough strength
not even to cry.

(this one continued on further and went into more detail. Although this is about a heroin addiction, so much of this rings true what I felt in so many times of my life, not just lately, but when there was no ventolin around to help me through an 'attack'. - legit or not)


She goes about her day to day
and does her duties to perfection.
She cries alone and works her
way through fears and self rejection.
No one knows this angel is carrying
around such grief.
If they only saw a glimpse of things
they'd sigh in such disbelief.
She seems to be perfect
not one single flaw.
Everyone looks at her with envy,
if only they knew it all.
Her heart aches with loneliness
and her tears disguised the pride.
Why does she care what they think.
Its becoming too much for her to hide.

Diagnosis

I never wrote what my official diagnosis was in my journal. Dr Z had given Dr X his opinion on my diagnosis as they both have very different styles of assessing patients. They both agreed that this was depression, although at first it was post natal with a question mark. They came to the conclusion that it was in fact not post natal, although the timing of it suggested it could have been (because Bridie was 6mths old), but because of previous hints of it and undiagnosed episodes, they weren't quite content for it to be PND. Infact, Dr Z said he is comfortable in diagnosing my depression as a 10yr old. Dr X wasn't so certain on that (but she never delved into that part of my life like he did to such intensity) and was comfortable with the age of my depressioh starting at 16yrs old. So take your pick on the age. I would say that I was definitely depressed by the time I was 13.

They also diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. If your not sure what this is, or never heard of it, its not a personality as such. BPD is characterised by distressing emotional states, difficulty relating to other people and self-harming behaviour. People with BPD may have extreme behaviour - repeated self-mutilation or taking overdoses of medication. There may be a variety of reasons for such behaviour - The person with BPD may feel that they are dependent on others for their identity or may be afraid of being abandoned. The extreme behaviours are frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Such behaviour is often dismissed as ‘attention-seeking’ or manipulation. However, the behaviour is a symptom of the disorder and requires professional help, as well as education and support for family and other carers.
Although I did not show ALL symptoms of BPD, they do believe I have this personality disorder.

The next was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The trauma's that I went through as a child with my lungs, Stephens death etc were all classed as trauma. Ive always thought of PTSD to be given to war veterans and the like but there are so many causes of this....almost anything can be a trauma.

And Anxiety....well, just like BPD this goes along with depression.

My therapy was to treat the depression - the medicine (efexor 300mg, the antidepressant and seroquel - eventually at 100mg, the antipsychotic.) first while starting counselling.

So, in a nut shell, Im not special, Im just one of many but one of a lot less that actually tell their story. There have been many causes to my down fall and also having some predisposition to depression.

Any questions? Dont be afriad to ask.....there are never silly questions.

Just something quick to help you understand depression:

Depression is when your tired and you cannt sleep
Depression is not wanting to live anymore but you still take another breath
Depression is not always suicide
Depression is wanting to be left alone in peace but scared of your own space

Laura

14-15/9/09 Day 28-29 - 28/9/09 Discharge date!

14/9/09 Day 28
Had a better night sleep last night but I just cannt seem to switch my brain off! I woke at 2am again but managed to go back to sleep pretty quickly and woke again at 4am. I tossed and turned until Bc woke up at 5.45 then we opened the curtains and made our beds.
So to fill in time between now (6.15am) and 12.30ish when Nath and Bridie gets here. Cannt wait to get some 'suck face' off Bridie!! Gee I miss her so much hey! I imagine me holding her and how much she weighs, I think of her beautiful blue eyes and then 'suck face' - her kisses are heart meltingly beautiful!!
I feel good again. To be honest, slightly anxious about what the day will bring. Im tired too which doesn't help but Ill fight through.
Well, I think its going to be cold today, feels like last night was hotter than it is right now. Cold - I mean 22 degrees, and compared to yesterday it is cold! Still tossing up what to wear today, still might wear shorts and a shirt.
Cannt wait to cuddle up to Bridie. Guess what Nath and Bruce have built? They played with the kitchen cupboards and put a washing machine in for me!! That will be so good instead of all that washing up.
...Just spoke to Joh - she did go to the psych on Friday and have been put on anti-depressants so Im really glad she went. I nev
er want any of my friends to suffer like I have, noone deserves such pain. And to think that Trina and Maja have had something similar to me really drums in that its so flaming common!!
Im doing more story telling now and less poetry / song writing aren't I? I cannt seem to get into that frame of mind anymore, like its not natural to me like it was just a few days ago. Im struggling to think of words that describe me and new idea's of how to express what is going on.
Ive been doing so much thinking about J and how she is going with her uni and with life. I wonder if she has cut back on her coffee?? Ive been wondering when it was that she had the accident, about 14yrs ago I think she said. Wonder if A's staff problems have calmed down? Staff problems suck! I see it here and Im a patient!!
I hate being known or labelled as mentally sick, its horrible!! Im not sick!! I not NOT sick, but I still hate it. I know Im 'unwell' and thats why Im still here but I hate that label.
Its been nearly 2yrs since Viv's mum died in the car accident. Wonder how her dad is coping? Wonder how Viv and Ray, Bucky and Lyn's trip is going too and where they are right now? They were going to the Bungles last Thursday or Wednesday, I think.
I had a fantastic visit with Nath and Brides. We eventually saw Dr X and she wasn't prepared for me to go home tonight for a visit but will do her risk assessment tomorrow arvo and then I get to go home for the night. Thn come back up on Wednesday arvo to see Dr Se to be reviewed and then home again. If all goes well and then return on next Tuesday to be DISCHARGED!!!!
Im so excited!! And she reckons keeping a diary isn't a good thing because there is a huge chance of re-reading it and getting caught up in all the emotional dregs and being dragged back down again. Well for no, I think its a good thing.
I cannt wait to go home tomorrow and be home!! So I just have to get a good night sleep tonight and even if I have a bad sleep, Im not letting on).

YAY IM SO HAPPY!!!!!

Tuesday 15/9/09 Day 29
I slept from 8.30ish til 2am last night but I couldn't get back to sleep this time. I was thinking of several things at once. I eventually dozed off at 4am but fought it the whole time til 6am. I figured when I get home and see my GP (Dr M) Ill say something to him, I didnt say anything to Dr X just in case it jeopardised me coming home. Valium sounds good - she was going to put me on that in the beginning anyway lol.
Cannt wait til after lunch time. Nath's taking me out for lunch and then we're coming back to have my risk assessment done then its home for a TRIAL (X keeps reminding me its a trial, not for good...). The kids are going to be so happy tonight!

Saturday 19th September '09
Well, I have been home now since Tuesday. Ive been coping ok being here with everyone. All I feel like doing though is sitting down and being by myself. I feel like Im in culture shock where Im wondering if all this has really happened or if its been a nasty dream.
Bridie has just woken up, better go deal with her.
.....Well, its now 12hrs later (10pm). I think I feel sluggish because of the seroquel so tonight Im only having 1 tablet instead of 2. (I think from memory my dose was 200mg). Got a message off Joh today. She is really struggling with her anxiety. I feel so helpless, I cant even deal with my own anxiety and there is my firnd needing help.
I haven't heard from J or A. I miss their messages and talking to them. I miss them caring, them wanting to know how Ive been going. I want to tell them how ive been going but I cannt and that sucks. They mean so much to me, I just got too hard to deal with so I was pushed aside.
There is no way I'd be able to look after the kids by myself all day. I just wouldn't be able to cope at all. Going into town for a while with Mum yesterday was really hard and tiring and I didnt last long at all. Just a little while with them being demanding is doing my head in.
Anyway, Im feeling a tad sleepy. Nath wants to go out tomorrow, I dont but I probably need to. I dont want to be around anyone!!!

Wednesday 23rd September '09
Been going ok at home, been sleepy alright but its only because of the seroquel.
I went to bible study yesterday and as expected, everyone was like 'Oh Laura its great to have you back' and 'oh wow laura's here'. There was all the questions of what the food was like, what were the doctors like, did you have anything to do, did they do therapy with you, whether I spoke to others about things. I just gave them 1 worded answers. I didnt talk much and hated making eye contact. Im not sure why I even went? (I still ask this question 12mths on!) I hated being there, so why did I go??
Lots of people are ringing and talking to me wanting to catch up but I just dont want to. I either tell them that Im actually quite busy and ask if they can ring back at a certain time tomorrow - then when that time comes I dont answer the phone. Our family have a system of pranking each other - let the phone ring twice then ring back, so thats what we've been doing. If the phone rings longer than 2 rings I dont answer it. (Ok, there goes my secret to all the unanswered calls, Ill have to think of something new now!) I dont even feel like being nice to certain people on the phone, I want to tell them to piss off out of my life and never return but seeing that is 'inappropriate' I am polite and just ignore phone calls. I only want to catch up with a certain few, they know who they are. And just because Im home doesn't mean Im better!!
I've had the odd message off J since Ive been home. She has asked how Ive been going. I miss our chats, I miss chatting with A too. I really thought they cared but ah well. They are busy and have their own stresses, they dont need to be worrying about me, so I dont blame them.
Almost packed to go to St George. Dunno how I will go being around everyone when Im trying to ignore my friends here! I just hope I can handle everything. Ive had quite a few good days at home, hope I dont get a bad day while we're away!!

(I never wrote about it, but I this was the day I was officially discharged. Why I didnt write about it Im not sure, but I know that when I got home, life went back to being the normal busy one that 4 kids gives you.)